Back to Normal

After eight sessions of physical therapy, I feel great... a few pounds lighter and pretty much back to normal. Which reminds me of femulating at work seven years ago.

When my boss arrived that day, I made a bee-line to her cubicle, saying "Happy Halloween" as I entered.

I took about a half minute before she recognized me and she was ecstatic. She checked me out and gushed over my appearance.

"He shaved his legs."

"He even did his nails."

"I hate him --- he looks better than me."

"I want your dress when you are done with it."

She took my photo and e-mailed it to some of our colleagues in our other facility. Throughout the morning, she brought people to my cubicle to show me off.

I never saw her act like this before. She was enjoying my femulation as much as I was.

Next day, my boss saw me back in boy mode and remarked, "Thank, God, you're dressed normal today."

I responded, "What's normal?"

Wearing Venus

Vince Gatton femulating Candy Darling in the 2006 stage production of Candy and Dorothy.

It's the Little Things

By Sally Stone

Last week when I was out as Sally, I stopped by a local coffee shop to satisfy my caffeine craving. I ordered a cappuccino and the young girl who waited on me asked my name for the order. She was extremely pleasant and I could tell by her demeanor that she liked my presentation. It’s always nice to be acknowledged for my efforts, even when the acknowledgement is as simple as a smile and a nod.

Anyway, flash forward to last night, when I stopped at the same coffee shop after a dinner outing. This time a young man took my drink order; the girl that had waited on me the last time was working drive-through. Yet despite her being quite busy, she took the time to walk over and say, “Hi, Sally.”

It was a little thing, I know, but sometimes it’s those little things that leave the most lasting impressions. I was flattered by her making the effort to come say hello to me and it was even more meaningful that she remembered my name. Up to that point, I’d had a wonderful day expressing my femininity, but her simple act of seeking me out and calling me by my feminine name was the absolute best part of it.

Wearing Venus

Femulators Annica Springmann and Patricia Wester

Peggy Sue Got Married

Peggy Sue is a Southern girl and a ham radio operator like myself and we regularly exchange e-mails about being girls and being hams. She wrote the following in a recent e-mail.

I pray your personal situation is not overwhelming you. My wife is balancing numerous medical issues, but we are managing to keep everything under control. I have combined some of my crossdressing days with taking her to her medical appointments. Although her doctors have known her for years, they never knew I was a crossdresser.

I wrote back.

How did your wife's doctor react to your revelation?

Peggy Sue replied.

There was very little reaction from my wife's doctors. However, the female staff was very approving and very vocal in their approval, even to the point of asking questions as to how I do makeup, purchase clothes, what does Lucy (my wife) think of it, how often to I femulate, etc.

The doctor reaction reminded me of my own physician the first time he saw my painted toes and shaved chest, which was very little reaction, other than yeah, he commented his understanding was that most crossdressers are married heterosexual men.

Wearing Ann Taylor

The evening gown competition in the 1968 documentary The Queen.

Close Call

By Sally Stone

My wife and I were planning to meet friends for drinks at a favorite watering hole in a town about 50 miles away from where we live. The location was ideal because it was equidistant from us and our friends and it afforded my wife and I a certain level of anonymity or so we thought.

When it comes to my feminine persona, I kind of lead a double life. I’m very social on one hand; on the other, our family and most of our friends don’t know anything about Sally. And while I know it is always a possible to encounter someone who knows my male persona, I feel fairly confident that mitigating such an encounter wouldn’t be too difficult. My confidence stems from the fact that when I’m presenting as Sally, I look significantly different than when I’m in male mode. I think even close acquaintances would have to get up close and personal to recognize the male me.

That’s me though. As for my poor wife, she is never in disguise, making her obviously recognizable. I think it’s the primary reason she’s not as comfortable as I when we are out as girlfriends. Such was the case on a recent Saturday outing when our plan was to rendezvous with friends who know Sally.,

We parked after paying the lot attendant, got out of the car and began to make our way across the street towards the restaurant. From the parking lot we had to climb steps up to street level and just as I reached the top of the steps two of our close friends, who don’t know anything about Sally, were walking down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. Jane, the wife, actually looked in our direction and I panicked a bit at the thought of her seeing my wife, who was just behind me still coming up the steps.

For several seconds I was certain that my wife’s biggest fear was about to be realized, that she’d be recognized and because we were together, I’d be outed. I have played scenarios like this over and over in my head, wondering how I would deal with such an eventuality and I have thought the best answer would be frank honesty. Certainly, there would have been shock on the acquaintance’s part and I would probably feel a little embarrassed, but my poor wife’s embarrassment would certainly be much worse than mine.

Fortunately, there was no recognition of either of us and our friends passed by continuing down the sidewalk. I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing I had dodged a bullet. For my wife’s part, she had no idea the close encounter had just taken place. I thought about telling her, but knowing how the revelation would have rattled her, I chose not to.

And to be honest, my decision was for the most part, a selfish one. Had I told her, I’m certain the gravity of the near incident would have damaged her already fragile resolve making here even more apprehensive about accompanying me out in public.

Even with such a close call, I kept telling myself that a repeat occurrence was quite unlikely. But that really isn’t true. I can no more control situations like this than I can the weather and being honest with myself, I know I can’t fully protect my wife no matter how carefully I plan our outings.

So, I ask myself, “Is it just a matter of time before the inevitable happens? Is it a forgone conclusion that at some point, I'll have to face reality and reveal my feminine persona to a circle of friends that have no idea Sally exists?” I know I could weather the turbulence that would certainly follow, but I worry it won't be so easy for my wife. The selfless thing to do would be to put Sally back in the closet, but no matter how noble such a decision might be, I would be subjecting myself to eternal pain and misery. I can't and  I won't do that. I need my feminine self-expression to stay sane.

A compromise, the best I can hope for, is to minimize my wife's exposure to such threats. To do that we need to limit our girlfriend outings. That's sad and I'll miss her company, but it is a sacrifice that works to achieve two important objectives. The first is I retain the trans balance in my life that gives me my joy and my sanity and the second is I don't expose my wife to situations where her presence would serve to out me and ultimately embarrass her.

Wearing Venus (Stana likes this dress so much that she ordered it for herself.)

Kazik Mazur femulates Zdzisława Sośnicka on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo.

Perhaps…

By Paula Gaikowski, Femulate Contributing Editor

The other day while driving through Natick, Massachusetts, I saw a rainbow flag hanging outside one of the town’s churches, not that unusual nowadays. However, next to it flew the transgender flag. A few days later while cruising down 495, there was a pink, blue and white transgender support ribbon on the back of someone’s car.

In addition, I see mentions of gender identity in organization and corporate mission statements. Teachers I know tell me that most high schools have transgender students these days. All these things would have been unthinkable when I was younger.

Viewing this all as a baby boomer makes one reflect about growing up in a time where being gay was literally a crime, the word transgender did not exist and doctors and therapists didn’t know about, nor did they treat transgender people.

Many Femulate readers remember those days when the only information available were magazines in adult books stores and the occasional story on television shows like Donahue or Sally Jesse Raphael. As a teenager, there weren’t any adults that I could confide my feelings to. Teacher, clergy, doctor, parent or sibling all would have condemned me. It was no different in college.

I now read accounts all the time of young people coming out as transgender to their parents. When I first signed onto the Internet in 1995, our community seemed small. Today on trans websites, thousands of young transgender persons are coming out and transitioning while getting support from family, medical professionals and work.

One young woman named Gabi is able to crossdress a few days a week at her bank. I compare that the good old days when people were fired because they were gay or crossdressed on their own time. We’ve come a long way,  but we still have more progress to make.

Although Caitlynn Jenner is a controversial figure in the transgender community, I believe it was her coming out that served as the tipping point in 2015. That to me struck a sea change when the word transgender entered the lexicon and corporations, churches, schools and insurance companies all came on board.

When Caitlynn won the decathlon she was viewed as the personification of masculinity. So many people in powerful positions knew her. This made her coming out so much more of an impact and helped define being transgender. So I respect and applaud her bravery; she made it easier for the many who followed.

All of this makes me wonder what a different path my life would have taken. So many times under draconian circumstances, I described how I almost came out and pursued transition. With the resources and acceptance available today, I surely would have transitioned.

After 60 years of intense self-examination, there is no doubt that I am a woman deep down inside. I could have contributed so much to my gender, my community, a husband and family.

Transitioning in the 1980’s would have meant a loss of livelihood, while transgender medical procedures were nascent and experimental. My family would have shunned me and society at large would have marginalized me.

What I see happening now with many transgender women would not have been the experience for me in 1982. Medically advanced procedures such as HRT, FFS and SRS paid for by medical insurance was not the norm in 1982. HR departments fired transgender persons rather than sending them flowers on their first day as a woman. Parents and friends, who might be able to adjust and support their transgender daughter, weren’t there. And today, dating a transgender woman doesn’t carry the social stigma it once did.

That’s the conundrum; perhaps what appears to be the incorrect decision may in actuality be what was best decision for me under the circumstances at the time.

Wearing Stylewe

Veit Alex

Status

People are asking, so here is my status health-wise. (Thank you for asking!)

My health is improving and I figure to be out and about after Labor Day unless I have a setback.

I lost more weight and I am now down to a weight I have not seen since I was in grammar school!

As a result, a lot of my clothing no longer fits. Even the items I use for my male disguise are swimming on me. (I guess that means I will have to go shopping!)

On the other hand, dresses that were too tight a few months ago, fit perfectly now. I also noticed that some of my high heels that were on the tight side are just right now.

And so it goes!

Wearing Ann Taylor

Gary Burghoff femulates on a 1975 episode of television's M*A*S*H.
(Thank you, Velma, for the memory.)

Caught

By Paula Gaikowski, Femulate Contributing Editor

Back in 1968, I was 9 years old. The style at the time amongst my third-grade classmates was mini-dresses, fishnet stockings and go-go boots. I became captivated by my female classmates and what they wore. Each day I wondered what pretty or cute outfit they would wear. So was it curiosity or envy that led me to my sister’s bedroom that morning?

To this day, I am not sure. I just remember wanting to wear dresses like the girls in school did. I also remember being jealous on days when they all went to Maywood School of Dance. I would see them afterwards going home in their tutus and leotards. I remember thinking, “Gosh, it would be fun doing ballet.” However, I knew to keep that thought to myself.

It was a Saturday, my parents were gone somewhere and my sister was out, too. There in the closet it hung, an above-the-knee brightly colored paisley dress. Just like the one the girls in my school wore. A hasty search turned up black fishnet pantyhose, panties and a slip.

I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to wear these clothes, I was so happy.

I threw off the pajamas that I had been wearing and next put on the stockings.

Thinking back, I wonder how I knew how to do that, I mean how does a 9-year-old boy know how to put on a pair of stockings? Well, not surprisingly it seemed to come very naturally.

Rummaging through her closet I found black go-go boots just like the ones Irene Barusso got for Christmas!

Wow, so this is what it feels like. Girls are so lucky!

Somewhere in the room I found a wiglet, a bun that my sister used for a wedding she was in.
The wig let led me to the vanity and then the makeup, lipstick, mascara, then eyelash curler.
I would sit and watch my sister and Mom put there makeup --- now it was my turn.

Spellbound and absorbed, it took a moment for me to hear the car in the driveway.

My sister.

Panicked, I ran down into the basement as the back door opened.

My sister, called for me and I answered, “Down here, I’m playing ping-pong.”

Who plays ping-pong alone besides a terrified 9-year-old transgender girl?

Meanwhile, in a frenzy I had stripped off all of the clothes and was rubbing off my lipstick the best I could.

I heard my sister go into the kitchen. I covertly made my way into her bedroom. In a panic I threw the dress, fishnets and panties on the floor of her closet.

I wandered into the kitchen trying my best to appear calm and innocent, “What were your doing?” she asked in a snippy tone.

I opted for the stock answer of guilt-ridden children everywhere, “Nothing.”

I ran away hoping to escape further questioning, I don’t remember much else about that day, however it remains a pivotal day in my mind. It was the first time I dressed up as a girl and it ignited something deep down inside me.

The next morning, I went to my closet to get dressed and there on the floor just as I had left them in my sister’s closet were the dress, pantyhose, panties and slip thrown in a heap on the floor of my closet.

I felt my face flush red and fear run through my body. “What now?” I thought. She knows, I’m caught what will happen to me?

I hid the clothes and later when the house was empty again I went down to my sister’s room and put everything neatly away.

She never said anything to me about that afterwards. I wonder what she thought and why she put the clothes there. Was it a way to admonish me? Or was it an olive branch of acceptance?

I’ll never know. My sister died one year ago this week.

Wearing Venus

Benjamin Koldyke emulating in the 2012 television series Work It!

Someday Funnies

Wearing Boston Proper

Amaury Nolasco femulating in the 2012 television series Work It!

I have a hunch

You may wonder why I am posting so often these days after announcing that I was reducing my blogging schedule.

The reason is that I have more free time on my hands than usual and that's because my back pain got worse and is preventing me from doing much of anything.

After receiving a clean bill of health regarding my annual physical, I complained about my back to my doctor, so he sent me for x-rays. They showed no problems, so he sent me for physical therapy.

The therapist says that my back problems are due to Kyphosis. Good news is that she believes that therapy will help me.

After two sessions of physical therapy, I feel much better. The backache is greatly reduced and I will continue going to therapy for eight more sessions to work on my Kyphosis.

Meanwhile, I am cooling my high heels until I am finished with therapy.

The outfit I ordered from JustFab arrived in the mail today and I tried it on without my usual shapewear. The skirt fits, but the sweater may be too big, so sooner or later, I need to try it on over shapewear to determine whether to return the sweater for a smaller size.

And so it goes.

Margot Robbie in the film Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood. (I saw the film last week and loved it!)

Liev Schreiber (right) in the 2009 film Taking Woodstock.

Woodstock

Fifty years ago, I convinced two friends to take a short drive with me to upstate New York to attend a rock concert. That rock concert was called "Woodstock" and the rest is history.

I took my Kodak Super 8 movie camera along for the ride and shot a roll of film. Actually, I only shot a half roll of film that weekend, but about six weeks later, I made the trip a second time and shot the rest of the roll.

After the film was developed, I cut and spliced the film to compare scenes of Woodstock during and six weeks after the event.

I recently digitized the film and uploaded it to YouTube where you can see for yourself what I saw at Yasgur's farm in 1969.

Enjoy!

Hard Work

Being a woman is hard work.

Being a man being a woman is hard work, too... maybe even harder than a woman being a woman.

Women have a head start with regards to looking like a woman. Their prep time is nothing compared to my prep time. If I was a man being a woman 24/7, my prep time would not be as bad, but it still would be worse than a real woman's prep time.

There's the hair. My prep involves removing a lot and adding not so much. And even a close shave with a new razor still finds me smearing on foundation to camouflage my face.

There's the body. How many real women have to squeeze into a girdle and long-line bra to achieve some semblance of a female body? If I want a figure that is at all feminine, I need all that equipment and then there's the matter of hiding some equipment, too.

And there is no equipment that will reduce my Amazonian 6'2" to a Venusian 5'7". Yeah, I know if I didn't wear high heels that might help, but would it? At 6'2", I am taller than 99% of the female population, so what difference will another 3 or 4 inches make (other than make me feel less gorgeous)!

Being a man being a woman is definitely hard work, but I would not give it up for anything! As Oscar Hammerstein II once wrote, "I enjoy being a girl."

Wearing Paige

Artur Chamski, Barbara Melzer and Krzysztof Szczepaniak perform "The Ketchup Song" on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo. Femulators Arthur and Krzysztof are the blonde and redhead, respectively, while Barbara is the brunette. Niesamowity!

Someday Funnies

Some Things Never Change...

Wearing Boston Proper

Harvey Korman femulating on The Carol Burnett Show.