Man of the House

The following Ask Me Anything questions are about my relationship with my wife. There are a lot of questions, so I will be brief and to the point in my answers.

Emily: Are you the husband at home in a conventional role?

Yes, I am the “conventional” man of the house.

Dani: Assuming you and your wife still make love together, do you do it as a man and a woman? Or as two women?

Physically, as a man and a woman. Mentally, as a woman in my mind. I have no idea what is going on in my wife's mind.

Pat: Does your wife completely accept you as a femulator?

Rhonda: How much does your spouse accept Stana in her life?  In other words, does she go out with Stana, buy Stana gender appropriate gifts, and do you (as Stana) and she socialize with other TG/CDs?

My wife accepts the fact that I am a femulator, but she does not embrace it completely. She does not go out with Stana, does not buy Stana gender-appropriate gifts, and does not socialize with my trans acquaintances.

However, if she sees something trans-related in the newspaper or on television that she thinks might be of interest, she will call my attention to it. Also, whenever we go shopping, she encourages me to shop for Stana, too.

Rhonda: As a follow-on question, have you and she agreed on limits to Stana's activities? If so, please share.

We have not agreed to limits, but I have put my own limits on Stana's activities; instead of being en femme full-time, I am en femme much less often.

Rhonda: Also, if so, does she waiver and occasionally want less Stana in your and her relationship?

My wife would be happy if Stana was completely eliminated from our lives.   

Lisa: I am wondering if it is concern for your entire family's feelings that motivates you not to go full time.

Absolutely. My wife married a man. I am committed to her and my marriage and try to fulfill that role as a husband as best as I can.

Lisa: I always put my wife and family first, so my second question is whether you think some TG people are being self-centered for failing to take into account the needs and feelings of their loved ones.

Again, absolutely. The spouse is often forgotten and left behind in the dust.

 

A femulating boy and her girlfriend.

 

Wearing ABS by Allen Schwartz.

Mechanics Femulated

Beth sent me the photo above which she took while vacationing in Burlington, Vermont, last week. The sign was in the window of a bicycle shop.

It is a little difficult to read because of the reflection on the window, so here is the information of interest:

	WTF!
	Women - Trans – Femme
	Bike Repair Nights
	Open bike shop for non-male identified folks interested in bike mechanics...

By the way, Burlington is a very diverse city, rated one of the best places to live and Beth noticed a few transwomen during her stay in the area.

The subject of bicycle mechanics is a perfect lead-in to today's “Ask Me Anything” question, which is on the topic of femulation mechanics.

Allison asked, "What do you use for breast forms and hip and rear padding, if anything?"
I don't use anything.

Topside, I am naturally endowed. A combination of too many female hormones and/or a touch of gynecomastia has "blessed" me with a pair of breasts that nearly fill a B-cup. I usually wear a padded bra from Victoria's to fill out the rest of the cup.

Below, I use no padding. I cinch my waist with some kind of foundation garment and my narrowed cinched waist creates the appearance of having hips and a feminine figure.

Viewing my photos, I see instances that adding hip and rear padding would improve my appearance, but it is not a deal-breaker, so I have not done anything about it.

By the way, my boobs were the source of a lot of abuse growing up. Combined with my natural feminine mannerisms, my life was hell at times. Luckily, it all worked out in my favor as I grew older and realized I was a woman.

 

A young man femulating circa 1900.

 

Wearing a “Charlie Brown dress” from La Redoute.

At Home

"Ask and you shall receive" as I found out when I wrote, "Ask me anything." The questions are still trickling in and I always welcome more as I slowly try to answer them all.

Emily and Sheila asked related questions, so I will answer them in the same blog posting. 

Sheila wrote, "When you go out en femme locally (outreach, group meetings, shopping, etc.) and have dressed at home and return home dressed, does your wife or daughter ever see you en femme?"

My wife and daughter often see me en femme when I go out.

Typically, my wife will give me the once over and note any issues with my outfit. In the colder weather, she invariably comments that I will be very cold because my outfits are skimpy.

On the other hand, my daughter always compliments me on the way I look.

Their reactions reflect their fashion sense. My wife is very practical in the way she dresses, whereas my daughter is a fashionista. Like father, like daughter.

Emily asked, "How do you maintain your relationship with your wife; she seems to be aware of Stana or do you have to keep it away from her? It seems from your blog that you do not dress at home, but you do have a huge closet of clothes; how does it work out?"

I do dress at home (to go out, not to hang around the house en femme), so my wife is very aware that I femulate. She would prefer that I did not, but she knows what I am and accepts it.

We three share the same walk-in closet; my girl and boy clothes share one rack in the closet with some spillage of my eveningwear to a second rack. My wife uses the other four racks.

Stana needs more space, but I do not want to encroach on my wife's territory. As a result, my boy wardrobe keeps getting smaller and smaller!

 

Actor Garrit Guadan (left) femulating on stage in Twist, 2007.

 

Wearing DailyLook.

Still Learning After All These Years

Cosmetic queen and makeup maven that I am, I still learned something when I read "101 Ways To Make Your Eyes Pop" on Daily Makeover.

Dustin Hoffman learned something when he played Dorothy Michaels in Tootsie, according to a recent interview.

I learned a lot that maybe I did not want to know when I read "Counterpunch and the War on Transgender People" on Jacobin.

Some good news: Friday the 13th falls on a Saturday this month! Also, I will get back to answering your Ask Me Anything questions next time we meet.

 

The blue brothers, circa 1960.

 

Wearing Alberta Ferretti.

Conferencing and Femulating in Boy Mode

Rhonda asked, "Have you ever thought of coming down to the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, PA? You should. I went first time to a conference this year and loved it. What T-girl conferences have you gone to?"

Since Harrisburg is nearby (about 4.5 hours on the Interstates), I have considered attending the Keystone Conference.

In the past, I attended Fantasia Fair three times in Provincetown, First Event three times in various locations north of Boston, IFGE Convention twice in Philadelphia, and Transgender Lives Conference once in Connecticut.

My first First Event was memorable because it was the first time I attended a trans conference. Fantasia Fair is the best because of the location (I love P-Town) and because of the friends I see and make attending the Fair.

Pat asked, "Do you wear women’s clothes even when you’re in boy mode? Such as jeans, shorts, shoes, etc. Oh, and panties!"

Occasionally, I dress androgynously, but usually my boy mode attire is strictly from the guy's aisles of Walmart. On those days that I do include girl attire in my boy mode outfit, nobody has ever said anything about my wardrobe.

Funny story: One day when I was en femme leaving home in my car, I passed one of my neighbors coming from the opposite direction in her SUV. She knows my car and I am 99% sure that she saw me behind the wheel that day.

A few days later, I was walking the dogs and I ran into her walking her dog. We chatted for a few minutes and then she remarked that I was wearing women's nylon hosiery.

“Not today," I replied as I hiked up the cuff of one of my jeans legs so she could see that I was wearing beige-colored socks that could be mistaken for nylons if you do not look too closely.

"Oh," she said and we went our separate ways.

 

  Professional femulator, Harry S. Franklyn, circa 1928.

 

Wearing it very well.

I’m So Tired

I misunderstood Emily's question Do you ever tire of femulating? when I answered it on Saturday.

So she wrote back, "My real question was do you ever just yearn to not have these feelings that attract you to femulating? In other words, for me... sometimes after sex, sometimes after a nice time with friends and my wife, sometimes when I've obsessed about femulating, I suddenly get this feeling of 'I wish the desires would go away forever.' Have you ever felt that way?"

Yes, but in a different way than you.

I spend too much time thinking about femulating and thinking about living my life as a woman. I feel it is time wasted and negatively effects my productivity. If I am doing something I don't like doing or if I am doing something, but feeling lazy, thinking about femulating provides a distraction from what I should be doing.

I believe that if I transitioned, I would not think about femulating as much as I do now and that I would be a more productive person as a woman.

So, yes, I am very tired of femulating and should just transition and be done with it.

Comments please?

 

This purported femulator appears in the music video for
Tom Petty’s You Don’t Know How It Feels in 1994.

 

Wearing Brahmin (bag).

Sales Alert!

Ultimate Outlet has a 75% off sale today. Some very nice items at bargain basement prices. Check it out here.

Taking a Break

Today, I am taking a break from answering your Ask Me Anything questions, but I promise to resume replying tomorrow.

I found this great cartoon on the Internet and pass it along for your enjoyment.

Also, Andee Werthman sent along a link to a very interesting article, "Traces of a Man Who Disappeared," which appeared in The New York Times on Monday. I invite you to read it; I think you will enjoy it and I thank Andee for passing it along.

By the way, I collected presidential campaign buttons in the late 1960s peaking with the 1968 election and I have a box of buttons that looks just like the drawer of buttons pictured in the article.

 

Professional femulator, Harry S. Franklyn, circa 1928.

 

 

Wearing 4.Collective (dress) and Stevens (shoes).

Men is a Three-Lettered Word

I received questions about men, sex, and mixing the two.

Emily asked, “As Stana are you attracted to guys? Are you asexual?”

Pat inquired, “Do you ever feel like having sex with a real man when dressed?”

I am not asexual and I am not attracted to men, but I am attracted to women. (Does that make me a lesbian?)

I have never had the desire to have sex with a man, however, I often think about having sex with a woman with me playing the submissive role in that encounter.

That being said, I am happily married and I have no plans of breaking my marriage vows.

Beth wondered, “What you think about men, being with them when you are dressed, etc?”

I have thought about going on a date with a man using a man as a beard to see how it feels to be treated as a lady. It would be very interesting to dance backwards in heels. 

Paula queried, “Why does sex not appear or exist in any of your postings?”

I strive to keep the blog as family-oriented as possible.

 

Doing the tango, circa 1925.

 

Wearing Daily Look.

Never on a Sunday

Anita asked, "Do you dress en femme when you go to church?"

My answer is a mash-up of two past blog posts: June 16, 2009 and January 21, 2010.

In June 2008, when I spent a long weekend in New York City en femme, I visited Saint Patrick’s Cathedral.
This was a big deal for me. I was raised a Roman Catholic and my religion was the source of much needless guilt about crossdressing throughout my life. I overcame the guilt years ago and now I was entering the church for the first time en femme.

I thought that my visit would be like spitting in the eye of the Church of Rome. "Take that for all the pain and suffering you brought down upon me for so long."

Instead of feeling vengeful, I felt wonderful. Your prodigal son has returned, but your son is now your daughter!

I decided to attend the Mass. I remembered and recited all the prayers and when it was time for the Sign of Peace, I exchange handshakes and "peace be with you's" with all the folks around me, or so I thought.

From behind me came an anxious voice, "Peace be with you, Ma'am. Peace be with you, Ma'am."

I realized I missed someone, so I turned around and exchanged another handshake and "peace be with you" with a fellow two rows behind me.

During the Mass, I noticed a reproduction of the famous painting, the Black Madonna of Częstochowa in one of the side altars of the cathedral.

Being a Pole, I checked it out and discovered that that side altar was dedicated to the saints of Poland. It included biographies, paintings, and sculptures of all the saints. After saying a prayer for all my deceased relatives at the side altar, I exited the cathedral.

I stopped attending church about ten years ago. I began doubting the existence of a God about that time and about a year ago, switched from being an agnostic to an atheist.

“You’re too scientific,” my daughter said upon hearing that news.

I don’t know about being “too” scientific, but I do hold science in a much higher regard than religion.

So, why did I feel “wonderful” when I attended Mass en femme at Saint Pat’s?

Do I have some doubts about atheism like I do about religion?

Did I feel spiritual because I was in such a spiritual place?

Was it nostalgia for something that had previously been part of my weekly routine?

Was it simply the thrill of being out en femme in a new venue?

Anita also asked, "Do you know what other girls do?

I don't know about all the other girls, but Barbara, one of the girls I have known for over 20 years, has been attending a local Episcopal church en femme for quite awhile. The church community has accepted her feminine persona wholeheartedly and she not only attends services, but is very active in other church activities.

Hair and HRT

When I volunteered, "Ask me anything," Stef, Karen and Emily asked different questions, but my answers are all related.

Stef asked, "I know you have no plans to transition; does that also mean you've ruled out ever trying HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)?"

Karen asked, "A number of times in the past you've mentioned your routine for shaving your face. I've always wondered why you don't look into something like electrolysis for your beard."

If I femulated full-time, I would definitely seek some form of permanent hair removal and I would seriously consider HRT. Since I do not femulate full-time, I consider both to be a luxury that I cannot honestly afford.

HRT is an interesting prospect. I have never had my hormone levels tested, but a therapist suspects my hormone levels may already be on the feminine side. (I will not bore you with all the evidence why this may be so; you can read about some of the evidence here if you are interested.)

If I already tip the scales on the estrogen side, would I need even more estrogen that HRT would provide? I have no idea.

I am hairy.

Besides facial hair, I have a generous amount of body hair, although after years of depilitating, the hair regrowth on my legs is noticeably thinner; the rest of my body, not so much. So, permanent hair removal would be at the top of my to-do list if I femulated full-time.

Which brings me to Emily's question:

Do you ever tire of femulating?

No, I never tire of femulating. However, sometimes I do not look forward to femulating because of the amount of body hair removal that is required.

I try to maintain a hairless body (at least the parts that are most likely to show when I femulate) and I do so by shaving those parts after I shave my face in the morning. For example, one morning I may touch up my arms, another morning my boobs, next morning my right leg, following morning my left leg, etc., etc.

But sometimes, I am not as conscientious as I should be about the maintenance and I face a major hair removal session before I can become the Amazon.

It is time-consuming, messy, and certainly no fun; I never look forward to those sessions.

 

Actor Brian Charles Rooney (left) femulating as Candy Darling in Pop!
a 2010 musical performed at the Yale Repertory Theatre, New Haven.

 

Wearing Adrianna Papell.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Julia and Rhonda asked almost identical questions when I suggested that Femulate readers "ask me anything."

How do people who don't know Stana react when they first hear your voice? In other words, how female do you think you sound to strangers you interact with?

I am soft-spoken. I do not have anything approaching a deep, manly voice.

More importantly, I have a feminine vocabulary. I use phrases and words that females are more likely to use than males. And I use them in a feminine manner.

For example, a man placing an order at a coffee shop will typically say, "I want a large coffee with cream and sugar."

A woman placing an order will typically say, "I would like a medium coffee with cream, no sugar" or "May I please have a medium coffee with cream, no sugar."

The man is demanding ("I want"); he is being aggressive, assertive, whereas the woman is asking politely ("I would like" or "May I please"); she is deferential, unassuming.

I have always been soft-spoken, deferential and unassuming in the way I speak. As a result, my voice often "passes" without further feminization.

When I am out, civilians address me as a woman without balking. Usually, they call me "Ma'am" and occasionally "Miss." I can count on two fingers the number of times I have heard "Sir."

I am sure that some of the time the civilians are just being accommodating. They see a man or perhaps they are not sure if they see a man or a woman, but since I am presenting as a woman, they treat me as a woman.

Other times I am sure that my voice passes. Admittedly, my voice is along for the ride with the rest of my presentation, but I have seldom had situations in which I think I am passing until I open my mouth.        

What voice training, if any, did you do and how long did it take?

I am never satisfied and always want to do better, so I looked into voice training and bought Melanie Anne Phillip's How to Develop a Female Voice videotape.

I copied the audio from the videotape to a cassette tape and took Melanie's course in my car during my half-hour commute to and from work every day for weeks.

One day during week three, everything clicked and a voice I had never heard before came out of my mouth. Wow! It was actually a little scary to hear that woman's voice --- was that really my voice?

To maintain the voice, I have to practice using it, so I recently purchased Melanie's course in MP3 format to load into my iPod.

The only problem is that since my naturally feminine voice seems to work for me most of the time, I am loathe to practice. But I am trying to be more conscientious and have been practicing more often. As they say, "Practice makes perfect" and I always strive for perfection.

 

Femulate reader Rhondasocks at the VooDoo Lounge in Las Vegas during WildSide week. She is wearing a dress, JB by Julie Brown, that I posted here earlier this year and challenged readers to femulate the model wearing it. Good job, Rhondasocks!

 

Wearing DressBarn.