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Sunday, November 30, 2008
Angie Harmon
![](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/STMLEtT9aVI/AAAAAAAADbo/ucmw5zIwNSM/s320/aharmon.jpg)
Don't you want to be part of the experience?
![](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/STIlj2iGuhI/AAAAAAAADbg/h0RykwgOuy4/s320/duck_soup.jpg)
One day, a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe I didn't want to go on living.
I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded and pressed to my forehead.
I thought, "I'm gonna kill myself."
Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows."
Then I thought, "No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing."
I remember clearly, the clock was ticking and I was sitting there frozen debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much the gun slid off my forehead and missed me.
Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused.
My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing: I had to get out of that house. I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me.
I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding. I went into a movie. Didn't know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective.
I went up to the balcony and I sat down. The movie* was one I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching the screen and I started getting hooked on the film.
And I started to feel: "How can you think of killing yourself? Isn't it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."
And I'm thinking, "I should stop ruining my life searching for answers and just enjoy it while it lasts."
And after, who knows? Maybe there is something.
I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.
* Duck Soup starring The Marx Brothers
Saturday, November 29, 2008
all bundled up
![](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/STFNCkyYqOI/AAAAAAAADbQ/TcPosOb821U/s320/missusa.jpg)
Last year when I wrote about my trip to The City to view the parade, I noted that half the woman I saw "wearing skirts or dresses were also wearing black tights with black patent high heels." This year, the weather was a lot cooler and most women were bundled up to stay warm.
One woman in our group wore an incredibly short skirt, with black tights and black patent heels despite the weather (something I would do), but she was the exception. Most women were dressed appropriately for the weather including Miss USA (pictured here), who looked beautiful. Click on the photo to magnify the image and check out her boots!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
bras for boys
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According to the Reuters article, "A Japanese online lingerie retailer is selling bras for cross-dressing men and they've quickly become one of its most popular items.
"Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men's bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. The shop also stocks men's panties, as well as lingerie for women."
The mixed message is whether the retailer is targeting its boy bras for crossdressers or non-crossdresser, although I am sure they will accept anybody's money!
The beginning of the Reuters article indicates that crossdressers are the target customers, then the article seems to contradict itself by quoting the Executive Director of the retailer, "I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. Since we launched the men's bra, we've been getting feedback from customers saying, 'Wow, we'd been waiting for this for such a long time.'"
Other reports (like this one from Wallet Pop and this one from Inventor Spot) indicate that non-crossdressing males and metrosexuals are the target customers.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
boys' names into girls' names
![](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SSwgJZ0l1JI/AAAAAAAADZo/0aXFMXQQSaI/s400/namesign.jpg)
The easy way out is to use the feminine version of your boy name, for example, Andrew becomes Andrea, Jack becomes Jacqueline, and Pat becomes Pat.
If you don't know the feminine version of your boy name, here is a short list of boy names and their feminine equivalents.
evening gown out of the blue
Peaches and her SO bought the gown during a sale at the Jessica McClintock warehouse in San Francisco. Peach's SO wore the gown for one occasion and since then, she has downsized and has no use for the gown.
Peaches was going to sell it on eBay, but before doing so, asked me if I wanted it gratis. How could I refuse such a generous offer!
The gown arrived and when I opened the box, I found a gorgeous white tea-length gown. I crossed my fingers that it would fit and when I slipped it over my head, it fit perfectly. Now I just have to wait for the right occasion to wear it.
Peaches and your SO, thank you both for the lovely gift!
(By the way, the photo depicts a different, but just as lovely Jessica McClintock gown.)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday musings
![](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SSqy4CFxONI/AAAAAAAADZQ/Ez2ek35T4rQ/s320/rihanna08112302.jpg)
I watch awards shows to see the fashions worn by the female attendees and the rare male attendees, who show up in female attire. So, when I saw that a music awards show was on television last night. I watched it, but after about 15 minutes, I switched to a movie titled Passed Away.
I almost changed the channel as soon as the announcer announced that Jimmy Kimmel was the master of ceremonies (I
I switched back during commercials and I did catch the gorgeous Rihanna looking gorgeous as she collected an award, but that was about the extent my good catches during commercials.
***
I received my latest Spiegel clearance find and was surprised that it fit.
I had no doubt that the skirt would fit because it was in my size, but I was not so sure about the jacket. Spiegel did not have the jacket in my size, so I took a chance and ordered one size smaller. I was very surprised that it fit like a glove! I guess my weight loss made the difference.
The skirt also fit like a glove. It was a little shorter than I expected, but that won't prevent me from wearing it!
***
I plan to wear my new outfit on my next outing en femme, which will be next Tuesday, when I participate in outreach at two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University.
***
UPDATE: Regarding my first musing above, "hate" is a strong word. I don't hate Jimmy Kimmel. I just don't find him amusing or talented and sometimes I find him offensive, so I avoid him whenever possible.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
imaginary portrait of Diane Arbus
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In addition to the story, I enjoyed the 1950's fashions worn by the women in the film. Some of the dresses were like the title of another Kidman film, to die for.
Also, there was a trans-moment in the film. About half way through, Arbus attends a party where there are men in various stages of getting crossdressed. (Transpeople were occasionally the subject of Arbus' work.)
Friday, November 21, 2008
going out en femme with less peril
![](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SSbDFsn0G9I/AAAAAAAADYo/870rrv6IsR8/s320/keys.jpg)
"I didn't think much about it until she explained that you should have the keys ready and out where the lighting is good rather than a block away in the dark. Plus, you can use the key to defend yourself if it comes to it."
I have been using this key strategy for awhile... even in daylight. For example, whenever I am finished shopping en femme, whether it is day or night, I remove my keys from my purse before I leave the store or mall and head out to my parked car.
Also, you might consider adding pepper spray to your arsenal. They sell small cannisters specifically designed to attach to your keychain.
You can never be too safe!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
the REAL perils of going out en femme
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Being outed at work is a real peril of going out en femme. It could result in the loss of your job and could negatively effect any future employment. However, there are worse real perils of going out en femme like the loss of your life.
Years ago, a bunch of girls decided to go to a gay bar after the conclusion of our support group meeting. I had never been, so I agreed to go to see what it was like.
As it turned out, I didn't like it. Smokey dim-lit bars are not my cup of tea, so I had one drink and hung around just long enough so that my clothes and wig stunk from the cigarette smoke.
The bar was not in the best neighborhood. The streets were not well lit and my car was parked a long block away. As I left the bar, another patron exited after me, followed me, and began accosting me. He thought I was one of the girls performing in the bar's drag show and he wanted a "date."
I was scared, so I ignored him, and walked to my car as fast as possible. (In retrospect, I should have returned to the bar and asked for an escort to my car.) He finally gave up pursuit, I assume, because I would pay him no mind. I escaped unharmed, although a little unnerved, but others have not been so lucky.
There are a lot of girls, who have turned up dead after being in similar situations and today we memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice.
For more information, visit the International Transgender Day of Remembrance Web site and find a Transgender Day of Remembrance event near you.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
the perils of going out en femme
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I did my makeup the way the Sephora representative suggested during my makeover and I was very pleased with the results. I love the new powder foundation; being a powder, it is very lightweight, but it does an excellent job as a foundation.
I tried to replicate what the Sephora rep did and I thought I did a decent job, but after looking at my photos from last night, I don't think I did my eyes correctly. Well, practice makes perfect and I will have another go at it real soon now.
Out the door and on the road, my first stop was Dress Barn to pick out and try on outfits to model at my support group's in-store party.
The Dress Barn saleswoman, who I have been working with organizing the party, accompanied me through the store and we picked out a large handful of items to try on.
While we were looking through the racks, a new customer walked in, who happens to be a woman I worked with for ten years or more. She left my company two years ago, but I thought she might recognize me because she had seen me in drag when I went to work en femme on Halloween a few years ago. Then, I wore an auburn pageboy wig and was about 15 pounds heavier, so she might have not put two and two together seeing me last night in my short blond wig, but I was still very concerned because she still has friends at my workplace and if she had any suspicions, I am sure it would get back to work because she is a "gossip."
I told the Dress Barn saleswoman about my concerns. Luckily, we had already picked out a load of outfits to try on, so she escorted me to a dressing room in the Women's section of the store far away from my former co-worker, who was shopping in the Misses section of the store.
I began trying on clothes. First, I tried on the three holiday party dresses we selected. The one I liked the best did not fit in the bust area. The other two fit perfectly and I chose one to model at our party.
Next, I tried on the daytime "office girl drag" outfits we selected. The first outfit I tried on was my favorite: a clingy multi-colored top and a black skirt with a black patent belt.
I had my doubts about the outfit. I just don't look good in outfits like that (skirts and tight tops) and the only way to make them work is to wear a jacket or cardigan to cover up what needs covering up.
But I was pleasantly surprised! Just as I was buttoning up the skirt, my saleswoman returned to see how I was doing and she said the top and skirt looked great. I had to agree. I love my new weight! A girlish figure with no bulges where there shouldn't be bulges. (Nine pounds down and I plan to lose more.)
I was done, so I got dressed, and escaped without encountering my woman friend. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to do more browsing and take my time in Dress Barn. But it worked out anyway because I did what I went there to do despite my unexpected encounter.
My next stop was the first meeting of the Non Conforming Gender Variant Group(s). Since I exited Dress Barn so early, I was too early for the meeting, so I stopped at the Payless shoe store, where I have shopped numerous times for women's shoes while in boy mode. It would be my first time shopping in that store en femme and as I walked into the store, I noticed that the two saleswomen were the same saleswomen I had dealt with in boy mode.
I tried on a lot of shoes, but did not buy anything. I was just killing time and really did not intend to buy anything unless something really moved me and the only pair of shoes that moved me to make a purchase, did not fit.
I exited the store and the saleswomen bid me adieu. I don't know if they figured me out. They might have realized I was male, but I doubt that they realized I was the male who had shopped there for women's shoes in the past.
I arrived right on time for group meeting. Thirteen people showed up including five significant others (SO's). I knew everyone except two (a tranwoman and the SO of another transwoman).
Each of us told the group about ourselves and conversations were spun off from what different people said. I spoke first because no one else wanted to speak first and I gave my bio in a nutshell. There was no spin off from what I said.
Two hours flew by and it was very interesting, but with five couples in attendance, the conversations were more couples-oriented and not too pertinent to me. It's not that I don't have issues with my SO, but these conversations did not deal with my issues. And so it goes.
Thirty minutes later, I was back home and back in boy mode already looking forward to my next time out en femme.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
out tonight
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First stop is Dress Barn to pick out and try on outfits to model at my support group's in-store party.
Second stop is the first meeting of the Non Conforming Gender Variant Group(s).
I will have a full report and photos for you here tomorrow.
Monday, November 17, 2008
clip-on comeback
Since I am in boy mode most of the time, I have resisted getting my ears pierced for those few hours each month when I am in girl mode. So I wear clip-on earrings.
These days, clip-ons are hard to find. Some stores don't carry clip-ons at all and the ones that do, have a very limited selection compared to the array of pierced earring they have for sale.
I am happy to learn this morning that clip-ons are making a comeback according to this article by Lindsay Mannering on The Huffington Post. Even our First Lady Elect was recently seen wearing a pair of vintage clip-ons.
I don't know how long it will take for the local retailers to begin stocking up on clip-ons, but as soon as they do, I will be buying them up before they go out of style again.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
humor in an en femme vein
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One of my all time favorite Web sites for humor in an en femme vein is Transgender Graphics and Fiction Archive. Problem is that the site's last update was in March 2002, so I am always on the lookout for something more current.
A few days ago, I discovered "something more current," i.e., the TG Comics (and Stories) Web site. I have been perusing the site off and on since discovering it and I have had a few laughs (the toon accompanying this post came from that site; click on the image to enlarge it).
If you enjoy the lighter side of being en femme, I recommend that you visit TG Comics (and Stories) Web site.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
next outing
![](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SR7X98YkIgI/AAAAAAAADVo/_fe0Z98Bxfw/s320/081115.jpg)
First stop will be the Dress Barn where I am hosting a Very Indulgent Party for my support group next month.
I volunteered to model outfits at the party (like they had to twist my arm to do it), so Tuesday, I am going to work with a saleswoman to put together the outfits I will be modeling. One will be a daytime office girl ensemble and the second will be a glam holiday party ensemble.
Next stop will be the inaugural meeting of my friend Patty's Non Conforming Gender Variant Group(s). It will be a get acquainted meeting, so I don't expect to have any great ephiphany, but I do look forward to seeing some new and old faces. (If you are interested, e-mail me and I will provide contact information for the group and meeting, which will take place in central Connecticut.)
Oh... what am I wearing Tuesday evening?
Since I will be trying on clothes at Dress Barn, I will wear something I can slip in and out of easily, so I plan to wear the black babydoll dress that I bought at JCPenney last week. I promise to take photos.
Friday, November 14, 2008
just rewards
![](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SR2bd9hKH0I/AAAAAAAADVY/aebLGkMg3ds/s320/tweedsuit.jpg)
Anyway, it was slow going, but I did it (and I plan to lose a few more pounds).
To reward myself, I bought this tweed bouclé jacket and skirt that Spiegel has for sale. Their original price was $79 and $49 respectively; their sale price is $14.99 and $12.99!
How can I resist?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
passable vs. presentable
![](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SRyBU_9BGhI/AAAAAAAADVI/vrDAekEEfHE/s320/passing.jpg)
I like to think that I pass. Just today, I received an e-mail from a dear friend who wrote, "You pass so well."
But who am I kidding?
I am six feet, two inches tall (or a more dainty five feet, 14 inches tall) and I always wear heels of some height when I am out en femme (OEF). There are not too many women out there who are six-feet-two. (I list the famous ones here.) So, when I am OEF, my height is my biggest giveaway.
I can hear some of you saying to yourself, "Well, Girl, don't wear heels, then you will be shorter."
My response to that is even without heels, my height is still my biggest giveaway and adding three or four inches will not make much difference.
Last Friday at the mall, I passed some of the time.
While I was walking through the mall, I passed a few women walking in the opposite direction, who looked me in the eye and smiled. Of course, I returned the smile. When a woman smiles at another woman, it is a sign of camaraderie, so when a woman smiles at you when you are OEF, it is a good sign that they have accepted you into the club.
On the other hand, I have also passed women in the mall, whose smiles indicate that they have read me as a male. Their smiles (or smirks) indicate that they are mildly amused by my attempt to pass. Go OEF for awhile and you will begin to recognize the difference between smirks and genuine smiles.
At the mall last Friday, there were times when I did not pass.
For example, the saleswoman at Sephora referred to me as "he," then quickly corrected herself and referred to me as "she." I was not offended. When you are up close in another person's face, as when you are dealing with a salesperson, it is more difficult to pass because they are concentrating on you and therefore, are more likely to pick up telltale signs that you are male.
I have gone OEF enough to resign myself to the fact that sometimes I pass and sometimes I do not pass. There is not much I can do about my ability to pass because I believe I have pushed the envelope about as far as I can to emulate a woman without undergoing surgery.
Admittedly, my ultimate goal is to be passable, but since that is not always possible, I always try to make myself look presentable. If I present as the best woman I can be, then I will be less likely to attract attention and will blend in with the real women out there.
On the other hand, if I go to the mall wearing my highest heels, shortest skirt, largest breasts, biggest hair, and thickest makeup, I am going to attract a lot of attention. Dressed so, more people will check me out and thus increase the chances that people will recognize my birth gender.
So, I try to present myself as a real woman would present herself in a similar situation. Last Friday, I even wore dress slacks instead of a skirt in order to be more presentable and I believe that helped.
While I was at Sephora perched on the makeover seat at the front of the store, I did attract the attention of a lot of passerbys, but none of them gave any indication that they recognized me as a male. All they saw was a woman getting a makeover, so they gave me an interested passing glance and went on their way.
It probably helped that I was seated, so that my height was hidden, but I think more important was the fact that I looked presentable in that situation. I really looked like a woman who had been shopping in the mall and stopped at Sephora for a makeover.
One more thing: if you are presentable, other people are more likely to respect you and treat you like a lady even if they know you are not really a lady. If I dress like a teen queen, I am not going to get much respect, but if I dress like a middle-aged woman (with impeccable taste, by the way), I have found that I get respect because I am trying to be a female clone, not a clown.
So, the bottom line is that, of course, you want to be passable, but before you can be passable, you must be presentable. And once you hone your presentation, you may or may not pass, but at least you know you did your best come what may.
(Thank you, Michelia, for suggesting this topic.)
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... NOT
(updated below)
I am mad!
While browsing the Internet this morning, I discovered that someone plagiarized my July 28 posting titled "men in skirts." They did not even bother to change the name of the article or its content. Their plagiarized version is almost word for word what I wrote back in July.
If you are interested, you can see the thief's handiwork here.
'Nuf said.
UPDATE: After I pointed out the error, they added a link at the end of the article indicating the original source.
I am mad!
While browsing the Internet this morning, I discovered that someone plagiarized my July 28 posting titled "men in skirts." They did not even bother to change the name of the article or its content. Their plagiarized version is almost word for word what I wrote back in July.
If you are interested, you can see the thief's handiwork here.
'Nuf said.
UPDATE: After I pointed out the error, they added a link at the end of the article indicating the original source.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Obama transition team is transgender-inclusive
![](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EE_8WZK1okE/SRsjGkUVWUI/AAAAAAAADUc/GNS43wuZzY8/s320/libra.jpg)
In what is being viewed as a strong signal to activists nationwide, the transition office of President-elect Barack Obama has issued a non-discrimination policy including sexual orientation and gender identity.
The Obama-Biden Transition Project does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, or any other basis of discrimination prohibited by law," says the website of the Office of the President-elect, Change.gov.
While Executive Order 13087, signed by President Clinton in 1998 to amend President Nixon's Executive Order 11478, prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation in hiring for the federal civilian workforce, it does not mention gender identity. "The inclusion of gender identity is a bold departure from the past," said ACLU Senior Legislative Counsel Christopher E. Anders, "and it sends a clear message."
Read the rest of the story here.
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