You Are Not Alone… Far From It

 Crossdressing is more common than many people think. While exact numbers are hard to pin down due to the private nature of the practice, various studies and surveys suggest that a significant number of men engage in crossdressing at some point in their lives.

Here are a few points to consider:

Prevalence – Estimates vary, but some studies suggest that around 5% of men in Western countries have crossdressed at least once.

Cultural Acceptance – In some cultures and communities, crossdressing is more openly accepted and visible, which can influence how common it appears to be.

Online Communities – The rise of the Internet has allowed people who crossdress to connect with others more easily, creating supportive communities and making the practice more visible.

Media Representation – Increased representation in media and entertainment has also contributed to greater awareness and acceptance of crossdressing.

5% of the USA male population is 8.3 million. That’s equal to the population of New York City. So we have a lot of company. However, starting out, most of us thought we were the only person in the world who crossdressed, but as we explored our good fortune, we discovered that there are many others similarly blessed.

Back when I was slipping into my mother’s wardrobe, there were no “crossdressers;” there were only “transvestites.” I don’t recall how or when I learned that term (“There’s a ‘term’ for me!”), but when I learned it, I immediately began researching it and quickly concluded that I was not alone, but I had no idea how much company I had.

Joining a support group expanded my education. I was active in that group for about 15 years and I probably saw 200 different members come and go. 

Amazingly, two sisters in my support group were members of the same local ham radio club that I belonged to! One, in particular, I spoke with via ham radio quite frequently – long before we knew we were sisters. That made me wonder how many other sisters did I already know only in boy mode!

After I started this blog and mentioned a few times that I was a ham radio operator, the closet doors were flung open and I lost count how many other crossdressing hams came out to me… well over 100 in all.

And then there’s the Internet. Crossdressers are well-represented to say the least! Young and old, not just old ladies like me.

I even discovered that two close relatives also crossdressed!

We will never know how many sisters we have, but you can be sure that we are not alone... far from it!

Wearing Venus

Gale Gordon, Richard Crenna and Robert Rockwell femulating on a 1953 episode of television’s Our Miss Brooks.

Wrong Season

Wearing Pyramid Collection

Terry, circa 1961

Stuff: The Day After

By J.J. Atwell

How do you feel the day after?

One of my dear crossdresser friends, Kathryn, asked me that question. Picture this: you were all dressed and out with the girls, but are now back home and your glass carriage has turned back into a pumpkin. How are you feeling? 

It’s a mixture – mostly up

For me, it’s mostly positive. I’m happy to have been out. Most of my thoughts are about how much fun I had. I’ll also be thinking about the next event and what to do to improve my femme presentation. 

For example, this past weekend (well it would be a month ago by the time you read this) I was out with a group of friends. There were ten of us and we dined at a new (to us) restaurant and saw a play. The entire evening was just wonderful. We were accepted at face value and referred to with the female pronouns by the restaurant staff and the ushers at the playhouse. I didn’t notice anyone looking askance at us the whole evening. A wonderful evening. 

The next few days were filled with thoughts how nice it was at this restaurant or that play. I mentally relive the highlights of the outing. I can almost still feel the gentle hug of the bra. Pushing back my hair. The flash of color on my nails. Noticing the shoulder harness of the seatbelt between the boobs. All those unique sensations. 

It’s a mixture – a little down

I’m not one to get depressed, but there is the realization that it’s over. Then I check the calendar to see when our next outing is scheduled. With that in mind my thoughts turn to what I’m going to wear then. Do I have everything I need? Do I need to shop for something in particular?

Because of schedule conflicts, I know I’m going to miss the next group outing so I’m focusing on our October meeting which has a Halloween theme. Deciding on an outfit for that night puts me in a whole different mindset. Time to get creative!. 

So basically, I use the looking-ahead method of dealing with the sense of loss that the end of the night brings. I know others in our group have similar up/down feelings after a night out. I’d love to hear from some of you.

I’ll be back

Up or down, I’ll be back with more Stuff in the next installment. Comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more stuff so let me know what you would like to read about.

Wearing Bebe

Bernard Zette femulating in the 1998 film Last Exit to Brooklyn.

A Good Day at Work

I have been retired for seven years. (Where did the time go?) I don’t miss the commute, but I do miss certain aspects of the job. I especially miss my co-workers. We were like a big family and like any family, we had good days and not so good days.

One of my very good days at work occurred back in 2012 – a day that reminds me what I miss about work.

Here is the story of that day.

After Hurricane Sandy exited, I was relieved that power was restored and I spent the evening getting things back in order. (It’s amazing how quickly things get out of order when you lose electricity.)

It was bedtime when I finished and as I lay in bed, I realized that the next day was Halloween (and what was I going to do about it).

I had assumed that we would be without power for days. As a result, I did not prepare anything in advance for dressing up Halloween morning. But I wondered if I could I do it all in the morning and be out the door in time for work?

Considering everything I had to do, I determined that I could do it all if I got up early enough. I set my alarm clock for 4:30 AM and I beat the clock waking at 4:15.

It had not occurred to me that making up every morning for a week at Fantasia Fair had accelerated my makeup routine. As a result, I was ready to go almost 30 minutes before I had to hoped for.

My wig was “Stacie” by Noriko, “a flirty hairstyle that has a wispy layered cut with flipped ends and swoop bangs.” My dress was a “Ponte Heart” print dress from Julian Taylor (via ideeli.com). Shoes were my old reliable black patent sling-back open-toe platforms; they are beginning to show their age, so it is time to find a new “old reliable.” “City beige” thigh-highs, black watch and bag and silver necklace and earrings completed my outfit.

To kill time, I styled my wig, then I decided to leave even though it was too early. It was raining hard and still dark, so I thought I could use the extra time to drive slower and safer.

When I arrived at work, there were two cars in the parking lot. I knew they belonged to co-workers who worked on the east side of our complex. That meant I would be the first person on the west side (first person turns on the lights and makes the first pot of coffee).

I did not have to run far (in heels) to dodge the rain because I was able to park in the closest spot to the entrance.

After I dropped my computer bag and purse in my cubicle, I used the ladies' room to check my makeup, then I took a deep breath to face the day.

The kitchen is next to the restrooms, so I decided to start a pot of coffee first, then turn on the lights. Coffee brewing, I left the kitchen and the lights turned on; somebody beat me to it.

That somebody came around the corner, saw me, and greeted me as one would greet a stranger.

I said, “Happy Halloween,” but he was still clueless and continued on to his office.

As other people filed in, I greeted them and most figured out who I was because I was in or near my cubicle. Nonetheless, they were amazed at my appearance.

By the way, I went all out. I did not hold back in order to cling to any shred of my male self. I was certainly not a “man in a dress.”

When my boss arrived, I made a bee-line to her cubicle, saying “Happy Halloween” as I entered.

It took about a half minute before she recognized me and she was ecstatic. She checked me out and gushed over my appearance.

“He shaved his legs.”

“He even did his nails.”

“I hate him – he looks better than me.”

“I want your dress when you are done with it.”

She took my photo and e-mailed it to some of our colleagues in our other facility. Throughout the morning, she brought people to my cubicle to show me off.

My boss is pretty straight-laced and I never saw her act like this before. She was enjoying my femulation as much as I was.

My boss suggested I play a trick on our president’s administrative assistant, so when she showed up, I went into her office and said, “I am the new receptionist and you are supposed to train me.”

She was completely fooled. She said that no one had informed her of my training, but she was ready to have at it.

Before it went any farther, I asked, “Do you know who I am?”

She shook her head “no,” so I confessed and she was absolutely floored! She confessed that she really had no idea who I was nor that I was a male!

Returning to my cubicle, I heard the voice of a female co-worker who I have known for 16 years, so I paid her a visit.

“Happy Halloween,” I said as she looked up without any sign of recognition, then she recognized me. After she stopped gushing over me, she said that when she first saw me, she thought I was a former female co-worker. She said the resemblance was striking.

At 10 AM, I had to attend a meeting (a “gemba”) concerning a new product. I walked into the middle of ten engineers standing in a circular fashion for the gemba, said “Happy Halloween” and they all smiled and took my appearance in stride except one engineer, who was shocked. A couple of the guys admitted afterword that until they heard my voice, they had no idea who I was.

Another friend asked if he could take my photo sitting in his cubicle. I gladly agreed. He took it with his smart phone and sent it to his wife claiming I was his new administrator.

After his wife learned the truth, she replied, “OMG!!!!!!! That is soooooo funny! He looks really good as a woman. I don’t want her sitting in your cubicle.”

Five co-workers took my photo throughout the day and graciously e-mailed me copies.

One co-worker said he was “speechless,” then added, “You missed your calling... you should have been a female impersonator.”

During lunch, I drove to the nearby Lowe’s home improvement store to get a replacement part for a piece of plumbing that failed due to the storm. I had no trepidation about going to Lowe’s and I found my trip very revealing.

Whenever I go to Lowe’s or Home Depot in male mode, I have to find and ask a store employee when I need help. Today, I had a male Lowe's employee practically at my beck and call. When he saw me looking lost in the plumbing department, he asked what I needed and directed me to the exact location where the part was displayed. After I found what I needed, he came over and compared it to the old part I had brought along to make sure I got the right part.

That’s the power of a short skirt and high heels!    

Speaking of high heels, I wore them all day long (over 9 hours) and my feet felt fine. I guess sitting about two-thirds of the day helped. I did bring flats just in case, but I only put them on when I drove home.

After Lowe’s, I visited Walmart to buy some pet food and coffee. I noticed a few gents checking me out, otherwise, the Walmart trip was uneventful.

I also stopped at Dress Barn and bought nothing after perusing the racks.

I returned to work, ate lunch and felt tired; the 4:15 AM wakeup was beginning to take its toll.

I visited the two women in Human Resources who I informed about me being transgender. The HR woman, who is approximately my age, was enthusiastic and said I looked “great,” while the 30-something HR woman acted as if nothing was unusual and said nothing about my appearance.

Another female co-worker I have known forever stopped by my cubicle in the afternoon and said I looked “sparkling.” She also commented that I looked better than she ever did even when she went to the prom. She wondered if anyone at work had busted “my chops” and I happily admitted that no one had.

Except for folks stopping by to look and/or take photos, the afternoon was quieter than the morning.

Overall, I had a great day at work en femme. Not a discouraging word was heard; instead, I received a lot of compliments.

This was my third Halloween at work en femme. The first two times were in 2000 and 2003. About one-third of my co-workers were with the company back then, so they are aware of my penchant for womenswear on Halloween.

I assume a few co-workers suspect that there is more to it than Halloween, but no one has broached the topic with me. If they did, I would tell them the truth.   

Next morning, my boss saw me and remarked, “Thank, God, you're dressed normal today.”

I responded, “What's normal?”

Wearing Elágia

Bobbie Kimber, femulating British ventriloquist

Progress

Wearing Bebe

Kamil Bijos femulated Sylwia Grzeszczak on Polish television’s Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo (Your Face Sounds Familiar).

Brenda’s Travel Tips for Business Trips

By Brenda

Traveling for business while embracing your crossdressing identity can be both exciting and challenging. With the right strategies, you can ensure your trip is smooth and enjoyable. Here’s a guide to help you navigate packing, managing your wardrobe, and checking in with confidence. With these tips in mind, you’ll be well-prepared to handle your business trip with both professionalism and personal flair. Enjoy the experience of balancing your professional responsibilities with your unique style.

Brian's Journey to Becoming Lena: Embracing Personal Identity on the Road

Brian was no stranger to the world of business travel. As a seasoned consultant strategizing for big-name clients across various industries, he was to travel to New York for a crucial business presentation. Used to the usual business attire—a crisp suit, polished shoes, and a neatly tied tie—Brian also had a special tradition he looked forward to on his trips. When the workday ended, he would embrace his love for crossdressing, slipping into outfits that allowed him to express his personal style. His transformation into Lena, an iconic persona of an international business woman on the move, was both a personal ritual and a moment of self-expression. She wanted to make sure her wardrobe choices matched both her professional style needs and her personal comfort.

As Lena packed her bags, she thought of her top tips for blending style with practicality while on the road. She knew these could benefit others as well.

1. Pack Smart with Versatility

Lena knew that packing light yet versatile was key. She chose outfits that could seamlessly transition from day to night. Her wardrobe consisted of a classic blazer, chic trousers, a pencil skirt, and a selection of blouses in neutral colors. Each piece could be mixed and matched, creating multiple outfits without the bulk of extra clothing. She knew she would be a tourist for two days and have two evenings free. She drafted a quick list of clothing based on the planned weather conditions, aiming to present as a successful, middle-aged business professional when out and about. She considered bringing a little black dress (LBD) paired with a unisex-style trench coat as well. "Hmm, I doubt I can do carry-on this trip," she mused. "Most likely, I'll need to check baggage, which saves me from seeing what high heels and bras look like on the X-ray scanner."

What to Pack

Clothing

Business Attire: Pack a versatile selection of business outfits, including a well-fitted suit, blouses, skirts, trousers, and blazers. Opt for items that mix and match easily.

Casual Wear: Choose a few casual outfits for downtime, such as comfortable dresses, leggings, or jeans paired with stylish tops.

Accessories: Lena packed a few versatile accessories—scarves, a red belt, statement necklaces, and classic earrings—that could elevate any outfit without taking up much space. She also included a stylish, lightweight unisex trench coat suitable for New York weather, adding a polished touch to her look. A clutch is easier to pack than a purse.

Shoes

Pack a pair of black pumps with a block heel, a stiletto open-toed sandal, and flats.

Pack Shoes Wisely: Place shoes in separate dust bags or plastic covers to keep them from scuffing your clothes. Stuff them with socks or other soft items to help them retain their shape.

Grooming and Makeup

Grooming Kit: Pack a compact grooming kit with essential items like razors, tweezers, nail clippers, and a hairbrush.

Makeup: Include your favorite makeup products in travel-sized containers to save space. Don’t forget essentials like foundation, mascara, lipstick, and any specific products you use. A clean, light look is preferred to heavy makeup.

2. How to Pack

Use Packing Cubes

Organize by Category: Separate business attire, casual wear, and accessories using packing cubes or pouches. This will make it easier to find what you need quickly. I use a yellow ribbon to denote femme attire.

Protect Delicate Items: Use garment bags for delicate or easily wrinkled clothing, such as dresses or blouses.

Roll vs. Fold

Roll Clothes: Rolling clothes can save space and reduce wrinkles, especially for casual wear.

Fold Carefully: For business attire, folding neatly and placing them in garment bags can help maintain a crisp appearance.

3. Prioritize Comfort and Fit

Comfort was non-negotiable for Lena, especially when traveling. She selected breathable fabrics and well-fitting garments that allowed for movement and didn’t require constant adjustment. Her chosen heels were stylish but low enough to avoid foot fatigue. "Choose a bigger heel base, as stilettos will not work for long walks along 5th Avenue," she advised. "As a middle-aged woman experiencing menopause, comfort and fit are very important. I don’t want to get too hot and worry about my makeup or sweating profusely on humid days. This is probably why I enjoy the fall season... cool and crisp."

Tip: Choose fabrics like cotton blends or stretchy materials that provide comfort and flexibility. Well-fitted shoes and accessories that don’t pinch or dig in are essential for long days on the go.

4. Master the Art of Grooming on the Go

For Lena, grooming was a critical part of her travel routine. She packed a compact grooming kit with essential items like makeup, a travel-size hairbrush, and a lint roller. In fact, she had both a male and female grooming kit.

Tip: A well-organized grooming kit can save you time and stress. Keep your routine simple but effective, and ensure you have all the basics for quick touch-ups.

5. Checking in En Femme

Lena had only checked in en femme twice, and the second time, the experience was incredibly nerve-wracking due to an anti-LGBTQ+ motel manager causing a scene. However, she had left many hotels as Lena and returned as Lena multiple times, feeling safe. Even with the elevator apprehension causing anxiety, it usually wasn’t a problem. Now, smartphone check-in allows you to go directly to your room without any front desk intervention. I personally do not present as a female in any Hotel lobby bar to avoid followers, well actually those men who then decide to follow me to my room or trying to hit on me hard.

Confidence is Key: When checking in, approach the front desk with confidence. Your attire is a personal choice and should be respected by the staff.

Be Prepared for Questions: While most hotel staff are accustomed to diverse guests, be prepared to answer any questions with professionalism and composure.

Room Privacy: Use "Do Not Disturb" signs to avoid unexpected interruptions.

Research hotel policies regarding room reservations and dress code. Most hotels are LGBTQ+ friendly, but it’s good to be informed.

Bring identification that matches your travel documents.

Research local LGBTQ+ friendly spots or communities in your destination. It can be helpful to know where to find supportive environments or shopping options. Lena once attended a local "Gurlz" dinner from a forum invite and enjoyed it because she knew there were 12 other "Gurlz" attending.

By the end of her trip, Lena had not only achieved her business goals but had also embraced her personal style with grace. Her journey was a testament to the power of thoughtful preparation, proving that with the right approach, crossdressing while traveling for business could be both stylish and effortless.

Conclusion: A Journey of Balance and Self-Expression

As Brian arrived in New York and took a yellow taxi to his hotel, he began becoming himself as Lena and his mood shifted, feeling confident and ready. Her meticulous planning was going to pay off. During the week, Lena planned to attend museums, art galleries, window shop with poise and elegance and explore the city in her favorite outfit.

The day had been a travel whirlwind with flight delays and Brian was eager to unwind. As he checked into his hotel room, he smiled, thinking about the evening ahead. In his room, room service was ordered while Lena unpacked her special bags—a sleek, discreet packing case that contained her female wardrobe. She was excited to finally wear the elegant dress she had chosen for this trip: a fitted black dress with delicate lace details. The dress was complemented by a pair of open-toed pumps and a matching clutch. Lena carefully laid out each item on the bed and took a moment to admire the outfit. It was her way of balancing her professional life with her personal passions.

The transformation was both thrilling and soothing. She began with a warm bath, followed by a meticulous grooming routine. Lena enjoyed the process of choosing the right makeup, applying it with precision and making sure everything was perfect. The final touch was a spritz of her favorite perfume. As she looked in the mirror, she felt a wave of satisfaction. The dress fit perfectly and she felt both elegant and empowered. Confident and apprehensive she was ready to venture out into the world.

With a contented sigh, Lena headed out of the hotel room before the dreaded fear changed her mind (there is always that voice in the back of your head telling you not to do it). New York is known for its vibrant nightlife and charming streets and is relatively safe and LGBTQ+ friendly. She decided to start the evening with an early dinner at a quaint bistro recommended by local crossdressers. The restaurant had a cozy ambiance and a reputation for excellent cuisine with a quiet service approach. This was a perfect way to relax and just enjoy the moment.

Walking through the city streets, Lena enjoyed the feeling of the cool evening air and the subtle click of her heels against the pavement. Her dress swayed gently with each step and she couldn’t help but smile at the admiring glances she received. She felt confident and at ease, a stark contrast to the formal constraints of her workday.

At the bistro, Lena was greeted warmly and led to a table by the window, where she could enjoy her meal while people-watching. She ordered a glass of Chardonnay and the chef’s special for the night—a decadent seafood risotto. As she savored each bite, she felt a sense of liberation and contentment. This was her time, her space and her moment to be unapologetically herself. After the delicious dinner, Lena decided to explore a bit more. 

The meal was exquisite and Lena took her time enjoying each course, savoring every moment. She found herself chatting with fellow diners, who complimented her style and engaged her in light conversation. It was refreshing to connect with others in such an open, relaxed setting. Lena felt safe and accepted.

After dinner, Lena decided to stroll along Battery Park. The city’s iconic skyscrapers illuminated the night sky and the cool breeze felt invigorating. She wandered aimlessly, soaking in the sights and sounds of New York’s vibrant financial district, feeling a deep sense of liberation and joy. On a whim, she took the Staten Island Ferry, passing the Statue of Liberty. She felt liberated, the gentle wind in her hair and the glow of happiness spreading across her face. A couple of discreet selfies captured the moment to cherish later. This evening proved to be memorable for Lena, after years of balancing her dual identity.

As the night drew to a close, Lena returned to her hotel room, still savoring the evening’s experiences. Room service brought a bottle of Chardonnay and some cheese bites as she prepared for the following day's business meetings. The all-important makeup removal and moisturizing routine was carried out. She laid out her outfit for a day of touring art galleries in Soho and several museums—a full day of just enjoying the city and wandering wherever curiosity led her.

With a satisfied smile, Lena prepared for bed, already looking forward to her next adventure. She knew that every business trip was an opportunity to balance the demands of work with the joy of self-expression, making each journey uniquely rewarding.

While window shopping earlier, a moment of clarity struck her as she caught her reflection in the glass. The reflection wasn't an illusion but a real depiction of herself at this time, in this place, as she truly was—in mind, spirit and physical presence. What once felt like fantasy was now reality. Her mind shifted into a gentler, softer state and even her gait slowed and became more natural (well, she was wearing high heels). Lena’s anxiety and hyper-vigilance, though present, were now in the background, no longer front and center. With this newfound calmness, she carried herself confidently throughout the day, blending seamlessly into the bustling crowd of busy businesspeople navigating New York City.

This confidence and fearless approach gave her the courage to also take the subway (she had a Metro card ready), which was exhilarating—no one noticed her as they stared at their smartphones, playing Candy Crush or catching up on social media. She did this several times for short trips, loving every moment.

Not only did she enjoy public transit, but she also relished the ferry ride. Maybe next time, she would go up in a helicopter—that would be something, wouldn’t it? And what to wear—stockings or pantyhose? A mid-length skirt and ankle boots?

Wearing ModCloth

Kenyan femulator Dennis Karari

It Suits Her

Wearing Elágia

Womanless beauty pageant contestant

It's Just a Phase

By Paula Gaikowski (paula.gaikowski@gmail.com)

"It's just a phase." An expression that has been uttered with dismissive familiarity in countless households, echoing through the lives of countless transgender individuals. The reality is that gender identity is a complex and deeply personal aspect of who we are. It is a journey, not a phase.

Over the years, as I've tried to solve this puzzle, I've observed various stages or phases that many of us experience. These stages are not linear, and some of us may skip or linger in certain ones. However, there seems to be common threads that connects us all.

In this article, I'll delve into these stages and share my own personal experiences. My hope is that by understanding these common experiences, we can support and uplift one another on our unique journey.

The Initial Spark

The journey of feminine expression often begins with a spark ignited in childhood, the teen years and sometimes adulthood. For many, this initial spark is a subtle yet profound curiosity or fascination with the feminine. In my case, this spark was ignited at a remarkably young age. I had this burning curiosity of what it might feel like to wear tights and a dress. A quiet envy of the girls in my class.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was just a little kid, maybe second grade, and I sneaked into my sister's room. Her closet was a whole new world to me, filled with clothes that were unique and beautiful I was particularly drawn to her fishnet stockings. I'd seen the other girls at school wearing them, and they looked so cool.

With a mixture of excitement and fear, I slipped on a pair of panties, the stockings and then a dress. It felt weird at first, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this was right. This was the beginning, my desire to be feminine to be a girl would bloom like a flower after a summer rain. It was a secret I kept hidden for a long time, but it was the beginning of a journey that would shape my life.

Secret Experimentation

As the initial spark ignited in childhood, the desire to explore femininity grew into a more conscious and deliberate experimentation. During this phase, I begin to actively seek out opportunities to express my feminine side in secret.

As I got older, my fascination with feminine things grew stronger. I'd spend hours alone in my sisters' and mom's rooms after school, trying on their clothes and makeup. The basement was my secret playground, filled with forgotten gowns, dresses and shoes I could use to transform myself.

The more I experimented, the more I craved the experience. The thrill of dressing in feminine clothing, the joy of applying makeup, and the desire to wake up as a girl became an all-consuming passion. However, the societal stigma surrounding this behavior cast a shadow over my experiences. Guilt and shame became constant companions, reminding me of the taboo nature of my desires.

I'd pray at night to wake up as a girl. I became so jealous of the girls in my class, but I knew this was something I had to keep secret. The guilt and shame were always there, but the joy and excitement I felt when I was dressed as a girl were even stronger.

Denial and Purging

As I entered adulthood, the pressures of societal expectations and dating began to weigh heavily on me. The desire to conform to traditional gender roles pushed me to suppress my feminine side, believing I could simply "push it down" and move on.

The military seemed like the perfect environment to bury my feminine desires. The masculine culture and rigorous training promised a cure for what I believed was just a childhood phase. But despite my efforts, the desire to express my femininity persisted. The sight of centerfolds hanging in my locker would ignite feelings of envy and longing, reminding me of the part of myself that I was trying to hide.

As the years moved on fear of rejection and the potential consequences of coming out often led to periods of purging. Whenever my femulating became too prominent or caused conflict in my marriage and family, I would resort to drastic measures, discarding my feminine clothing and accessories. This was a form of self punishment, self flagellation that was meant as penance or a cure. The initial relief from the guilt and shame was temporary, however. The desire to express my femininity would inevitably resurface, leading to a cycle of denial and purging.

Over time, I realized that I could no longer ignore this essential part of myself. The weight of this charade was becoming unbearable. The constant battle between who I was and who others expected me to be was exhausting, a relentless storm raging within. The constant struggle between my true desires and the expectations of others was exhausting and unsustainable. It was time to do something.

Self-Acceptance

After years of internal conflict and external pressures, I finally reached a turning point: self-acceptance. This was a transformative phase where I embraced my true self, acknowledging and celebrating my gender identity and expression.

Around the age of 50, I was at a low point, filled with self-loathing and dissatisfaction with my life. To cope with the anxiety caused by the conflict of identity, I had turned to excessive drinking and overeating as a form of self-medication.

Seeking the guidance of a therapist, I found relief and began to address the underlying issues. I found myself confiding in Dr. D about my need to express my femininity. Just to speak out loud and share the way I was feeling, was amazing I remember that first session where I told him my life story as it related to being transgender.

Talking to a knowledgeable and understanding professional was a profound relief. The weight of years of guilt and shame began to lift as I realized that my feminine side was not a flaw or a burden, but an integral part of who I was.

Through therapy, I came to understand that my femulating was not a selfish or malicious act. It was simply a way of expressing my true self, a part of me that had been hidden for so long. I realized that my feminine side made me a more compassionate, empathetic, and loving person.

Self-acceptance also meant accepting that my wife would never understand or support this part of me. It was a difficult realization, but an essential one. I had to acknowledge that our relationship was built on different foundations, and that she was not capable of understanding my experience.

Accepting this reality was painful, but it was also liberating. It allowed me to focus on my own well-being and pursue my happiness without seeking validation from others. As I continued to heal and grow, I was able to reduce my reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Out and About

One of the most significant milestones in my journey of feminine expression was the decision to go out in public. This step represented a profound shift in my self-perception, as I embraced my femininity in a public setting.

For me, the desire to be seen and validated as a woman was a powerful driving force. The simple act of being addressed as "ma'am" or "Miss" was an incredibly uplifting experience, reinforcing my sense of self-acceptance and belonging.

The initial steps out the door were filled with anxiety and uncertainty. However, once I overcame the fear, the experience was incredibly liberating and empowering. It was a very real demonstration of the internal journey of self-discovery and feminine expression. I was putting all those years of effort into something real.

For me, this phase began over 15 years ago, during my business travels. The anonymity of being away from home provided an opportunity to experiment with public visibility. By carefully building a wardrobe of conservative business attire, I was able to step into the role of "Paula," a confident and stylish woman.

My business trips provided a cloak of anonymity. Checking into hotels as a man, I would go to my room, discreetly opening my carefully packed luggage. Hidden beneath the surface lay a secret world of transformation: a collection of skirts, blouses, dresses, wigs, makeup, lingerie, and shoes, each piece chosen with meticulous care.

With a sense of anticipation, I would begin my transformation. In the early days, fear held me back. I would slip out of the hotel through side entrances, avoiding the main lobby. But as time passed, my courage grew. I ventured out more frequently, taking the elevator, chatting with the hotel staff, and exploring the city. It was a time of exciting freedom, a chance to embrace a side of myself that had long been hidden.

In the hotels, shops, and restaurants near corporate parks across America, Paula flourished. The experience was amazing, affirming my sense of being a woman and allowing me to connect with other people on a deeper level.

Self-Actualization

For many individuals engaged in Femulating, a significant milestone occurs when they achieve a level of comfort and confidence in their feminine presentation. Through the artful application of makeup, the cultivation of refined mannerisms, the careful selection of clothing, and the styling of their hair, these individuals begin to embody a sense of femininity that extends beyond mere appearance.

This phase often marks a turning point, as many femulators decide to publicly embrace their feminine identity. Some may choose to transition and live as women full-time, undergoing medical procedures and legal changes to align their physical appearance and legal status with their inner sense of self. Others may opt for a part-time approach, living and working as women while maintaining certain aspects of their male identity.

Many femulators find fulfillment and a sense of belonging through involvement in community organizations and events. Volunteering at museums, participating in local initiatives, and interacting with others as a woman can provide valuable opportunities for social connection and personal growth.

At this stage, the femulator has achieved a significant level of self-actualization. They have come out to friends and family, asserting their true identity and building supportive relationships. Their comfort and confidence in their feminine presentation allow them to navigate the world with greater ease and authenticity.

Peace and Repose

For many individuals who have engaged in Femulating, a time of peace and tranquility may eventually arrive. After years of exploring their identity and navigating the challenges associated with expressing their true selves, they may reach a point of acceptance and contentment.

This period of repose might be characterized by a reduced desire to actively dress up or present as female. While the memories of past adventures and the joy of living as a woman may remain cherished, other factors such as age, retirement, or health concerns may influence a shift in priorities.

Ultimately, the goal is to achieve a sense of peace and agreement with oneself regarding gender identity. Whether or not one continues to engage in Femulating, the decisions made along the way should be viewed with a sense of contentment and satisfaction.

This phase of life offers an opportunity for reflection and appreciation of the journey taken. It is a time to embrace the lessons learned, the relationships formed, and the personal growth achieved. As individuals look back on their experiences, they may find solace in the knowledge that they have lived authentically and pursued their own path to happiness.

The journey of feminine expression for transgender persons and femulators is a complex and multifaceted one, marked by unique experiences and triumphs. From the initial spark of curiosity to the ultimate goal of self-acceptance and peace, this journey is a testament to the resilience and determination of those who embrace their true selves. By understanding the various phases of this journey and the common experiences faced, we can foster greater empathy, support, and acceptance for individuals navigating their gender identities.

Wearing Elágia

Renato Pozzetto femulating in the 1977 Italian film Gran Bollito (Black Journal).

Beyond Dreams

Wearing Gracia

Vincent Beier

Stuff: Sequins are a Girl’s Best Friend

By J.J. Atwell

Wait, I Thought It Was Diamonds

Well, perhaps a girl’s second best friend? There are lots of ways to bling up an outfit when going out. Bright colors come to mind and I’m certainly partial to those in girl mode. But if you really want to grab some attention, look for a sequin top or dress. Sequins are designed to catch and reflect the light. You can get them in pretty much any color you need to match the rest of your outfits. 

What To Know About Sequins

My good friend Gigi loves to dance. And she loves sequins. In fact, she even has a pair of sequin shoes to go with a sequin outfit when she goes dancing. 

What is a sequins? It’s a small, shiny piece of plastic or metal that gets sown to clothing (and other things) to catch and reflect the light. When you wear sequins, they seem to move as your body moves creating a nearly constant glitter. It’s a real attention getter. 

Sequins can also be heavy. Individually, they are very light, but sequins clothing can have hundreds of sequins. When you add that much to an article of clothing, the weight will be significantly more than the sequins-less garment. Fortunately, it is not so much that we can’t wear them!

Keep The Vacuum Handy

Sequins are a bit fragile. You may find some of them breaking off as you do normal things like sitting, moving around, getting into or out of a car. If you’re in the closet, you could inadvertently be outed by a rogue sequin. So you might want one of those little vacuums to pick up those suckers. Just kidding, but do be aware that detached sequins can be an issue. That could cause real trouble for those whose spouse doesn’t know or are in a DADT relationship. 

I’ll Be Back

Yes, there will be more glittery Stuff. As always, comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more stuff, so if there is something you would like to read about, please let me know!

Wearing Venus

Lucy outside London’s Philbeach Hotel, circa 2000