Finding Myself in Beantown: A Woman's Story

By Paula Gaikowski

Dust settles over a cluster of lakeside cottages, their peeling paint a testament to a long winter’s slumber. Memorial Day beckons and with it, a surge of life. Families, laden with memories and anticipation unlock these weathered doors. The annual ritual unfolds – barbecues sizzle, laughter echoes across the water and stories of the past year weave through the crisp air. Yet, a shadow of unease lingers for me. A chance encounter last winter, with a neighbor from this very community still sends shivers. This reunion promises joy, shared meals and the warmth of reconnection, but beneath the surface, a thread of apprehension awaits its unraveling.

Every month or so, it’s the same. Skirt on, pantyhose, heels clicking, wig, makeup painting a picture of the woman I’ve always known myself to be. Then it’s off to Boston for my therapy session with Dr. D, who's been a rock for over ten years.

Dr. D’s office is in the heart of Boston’s busy medical center (photo above was taken by Dr. D in his office). The walk through the campus is a small victory. Here, in the city, I can just be myself and it feels good. With each confident stride through Boston’s bustling streets, a wave of joy washes over me – the city feels electric. I finally get to fully experience the world as the woman I am. But today, that feeling gets shaken up.

In the waiting room, I bump into Kathy, a familiar face from our summer stomping grounds in Maine. Generations of our families have vacationed there, practically living on top of each other. Panic hits. No one here knows about this side of me. These are all tough guys – military, police – and I can practically feel their expectations hanging in the air.

Kathy asks about parking and before I knew it, the truth spilled out. I tell her about the years of therapy, the secret I’ve been carrying. The shock on her face is a mirror to my own fear. But then, something amazing happens. The shock melts away and she seems to get it. She promises to keep my secret, even compliments my outfit and acknowledges the truth I've held close for so long.

Now, as I think about the upcoming summer, a knot forms in my stomach. Will rumors fly at barbecues and on lazy afternoons spent reminiscing? The unknown is scary, but something even stronger pushes back.

This is who I am. The years of hiding, the constant excuses – they don't matter anymore. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the woman I feel inside. It’s beautiful and it deserves to be seen, not hidden.

This isn’t a coming-out story in the grand sense, but a story about finding myself. It’s about having the guts to be who you are, even when the future is blurry. And maybe, just maybe, my story will touch someone else on a similar path, letting them know they’re not alone.

Wearing Madeleine

Filippo Timi femulating in the 2020 Italian film Fairytale (Favola).

No Picnic

Tony sat on the edge of his bed cupping his breasts in his hands thinking back to the Shirts vs. Skins touch football game at the family’s Memorial Day picnic. Tony remembered being very embarrassed when he ended up on the Skins team and everyone saw his breasts bouncing up and down the field.

During the game, Uncle Terry remarked, “Someone needs a bra.”

Tony’s Dad was Uncle Terry’s kid brother and he always listened to his older brother. So returning home after the picnic, Tony’s Dad asked Tony’s Mom to take Tony to Macy’s to buy a bra.

The next day, Tony’s Mom picked him up after school and drove to Macy’s. As they entered Macy’s lingerie department, a sales associate named Jamie greeted Tony and his Mom .

“What can I do for you today?” Jamie asked.

“My son needs to get fitted for a bra,” Tony’s Mom replied

“I’ll need to take your son’s measurements, so please follow me to the dressing room,” said Jamie.

Tony followed Jamie to an empty stall in the dressing room, then Jamie told Tony to take off his top. 

Tony did as he was told, Jamie took his measurements and then told Tony to wait while he found some bras for Tony to try on.

Jamie returned with an armful of bras and by process of elimination, Tony was fitted with a bra.

Five weeks later at the Independence Day family picnic, Tony ended up on the Skins team again, but was not embarrassed because he wore his bra throughout the game – just like his uncles, cousins and Dad, who were also on the Skins team.

(FYI, the first two paragraphs of this story are true and actually happened to me. The rest is my fiction.)

Wearing Bella Dahl

Anne Firth (right) in the 1944 British film Bell-Bottom George.

Saturday Night's Alright for Femulating

Wearing Boston Proper

Bradley Whitford and Jeffrey Tambor femulating in the television series Transparent.

A Tough Question, A Tougher Answer

Whenever I tell my trans life story, I always mention that I never told my wife about my crossdressing before we were married because I bought into the old wives’ tale that marriage would cure me.

When I did come out to my wife after we were married, she was initially supportive, but less so as the years passed. Meanwhile, I became better at crossdressing mainly due to her suggestion that I seek out a support group, which taught me how to be a better crossdresser. Regardless, I enjoy crossdressing a lot and would do it more often, but I still feel guilty for not telling her before we got married (41 years later), so I only crossdress a few times a month in deference to her.

During outreach a few years ago, a female asked me if I could do it over again and told my wife about my crossdressing before marriage and as a result, she dumped me, what would I do? Would I continue dating and try to find a woman that accepted my crossdressing? Or what?

That was a very thoughtful question and a difficult one to answer quickly. I replied that if I could do it over again and my wife rejected me before marriage because of my crossdressing*, then I probably would continue looking. I know that such a woman would be very hard to find and that I would probably be unsuccessful, give up and live full-time as a woman.

Truthfully, if I had to do it over again, I would live full-time as a woman and skip the formalities of searching fruitlessly for a woman that accepted me. If one came along, that would be great, but I would not put a lot of effort into finding Ms. Right.

Recently, there was a survey asking “what woman you'd actually want to be?” There were a wide variety of answers, but mine was unique: "Stana - I very much like the woman I am when I crossdress. If I could live as Stana full-time, I think I would be one heck of a woman and would not want to be anyone else.”

I really believe that!

So, do I owe it to myself to live the way I want to live? Should I burn all my bridges behind me and start living as a woman on a full-time basis? Do I abandon my commitment to my wife and become the woman I want to be? We only go around once. I won't have this opportunity again. I just don't know.

* By the way, I asked my wife if she would have dumped me if I had told her about my crossdressing before we were married and she replied that she probably would have stuck with me anyway. 

Wearing Boston Proper

Bert Wheeler femulating in the 1931 film Peach O’Reno.

The Purse: Before and After

Wearing Rue La La

Alexis Mahi femulating in the 2017 French film Lenny.

Health News

I had a colonscopy this morning and I am very happy with the results: no issues, no problems, no nothing. My Pop’s life was cut short at age 66 by colon cancer, so I have been getting tested every five years, more or less. 

This has been my fourth time getting scopied – last time, they found some polyps that they removed during the procedure. Today, they found nothing! I have to say that the day before prepping for the test is no fun, but getting positive tests results makes up for it!

And so it goes.

Why AI?

The A.I. images I create for this blog have received mixed reviews. Some readers like them and some dislike them. (One reader disliked them so much that she swore that she would stop visiting the blog!)

I like them. 

In the past, I would find an image online (usually a photo) that had blog potential and then try to come up with an appropriate caption or dialog for that image. Now, using A.I., when I come up with an idea, I can create the exact image that I want to match that idea. 

Some of my earlier A.I. images did not come out exactly like I wanted (some still don’t), but I am learning how to get the A.I. engine to do my bidding more to my wishes. It’s getting better all the time.

Wearing Trina Turk

Roman Polanski femulating in the 1976 French film The Tenant.

A Real Life Experience

Has this ever happened to you? It really happened to me.

My wife and I were shopping for Christmas presents in Macy’s. She wanted to get a sweater for me. On the way to the men’s department, I saw a manikin displaying a to-die-for dress.

As we perused men’s sweaters, I could not get my mind off that dress. My heart was not into looking at menswear and I finally suggested to my wife that if she wanted to get me something that I would really like, she should gift me that dress. 

She happily agreed and we returned to the women’s department to see if they had the dress in my size. We found my size, but I did not want to try it on in boy mode with my wife in tow*, so she bought the dress and luckily it fit when I tried it on at home. And I received a gift that I really liked!

* I have tried on a lot of womenswear in boy mode, but I did not want to embarrass my wife, so I was loathe to do so in this scenario.

Wearing Venus

Artur Chamski femulating Malgorzata Walewska on Polish television’s Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo (Your Face Sounds Familiar).
Click here to view this femulation on YouTube.

Stuff: Maintaining It

By J.J. Atwell

Hello again!

Well, that sounds like a boring topic. Yes, it probably is. But it is a necessary part of putting on your femme persona. 

We use many “accessories” when we get dressed. Obviously the clothes are important, but it’s more than just the clothes. 

My Stuff needs maintenance?

Yes, it does. Perhaps the most obvious thing is that your clothes need to be clean and wrinkle free. Pay attention to the care instructions that you’ll find on the tags of the clothes. Remember that the female version of clothing is often made of more delicate fabrics which may need more careful handling. 

And it’s not just clothes. Don’t overlook your shoes. Look at your favorite pair and check the soles and heels for wear. Is it time to replace them? Look at the uppers. Are they cracked or do they need polish or cleaning? It’s all part of the effort to present as your feminine best. 

Don’t forget your makeup brushes

Something that you might not think about are your makeup brushes. They need cleaning regularly to give the best results. 

How do you clean makeup brushes? It’s fairly easy. You can buy a special product to wash your brushes in or you can just go with a gentle liquid soap. Gather your brushes and clear the area around your sink. Fill the sink with some lukewarm water and a squirt of your cleanser. Wet the brush in the water and work the cleanser into the bristles. Place the wet brush on the side of the sink while you work on the other brushes. When you’ve done them all, drain the sink and rinse the brushes with cool, clean water. Gently squeeze out the water and re-form the bristles. Place the brushes on a towel to air dry, which will probably take overnight. 

Speaking of makeup brushes, here’s a funny story about forgetting them! I was bringing my genetic female friend Alicia to the cruise port and halfway there, she realized she forgot her makeup brushes for the trip! Who does that? We got a good laugh, but luckily we were able to stop at Walgreens where she was able to gather the necessities! Certainly not the quality she’s used to, but it got the job done for her trip! Just goes to show you how important these little things are when presenting as a woman. 

One more thing that needs maintenance – your wig. But that’s the subject of a future Stuff post.

I’ll be back

Yes, there will be more Stuff. In the meantime, comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more stuff, so if there is something you would like to read about, please let me know!

Wearing Rue La La

Scott Thompson femulating in an episode of Canadian television's The Kids in the Hall.

Favourites

I have an account on Deviantart where I post images I created for Femulate.org, as well as a few unposted images. I have posted a bunch over the years, but did not pay attention to how many until I checked my statistics. Turns out there are about 285 in all.

People who view the images that they like can designate an image as a “Favourite.” The image at the top of this post had the most (106) Favourites. The two below were second (105) and third (100).

Funny thing is that the images I think will be most favoured often are not! For example, the last image below was something I created quickly without effort and never thought it would be so popular! Go figure.

Holy Crossdresser!

 

Wearing Cynthia Rowley

Rachel

My Dream World

I have mentioned my dreams here in the past. I seldom recall them when I wake up, but the ones I do recall usually have a trans theme.

Over the years, my dreams have gone through a few stages.

The first stage, which lasted for many years were dreams about getting dressed en femme or trying to get dressed en femme and not being able to do so because something prevented me or because I woke up before I was dressed.

The second stage, which lasted a year or so were dreams about getting dressed en femme, then going out and encountering friends and family, who approved of my dressing.

The third stage, which has lasted for years are dreams where I am dressed all the time, that is, I do not get dressed in the dream, rather I am dressed as a woman from the get-go. Getting dressed is not part of these dreams because I am living as a woman full-time or I am a woman in these dreams (it is unclear which is the case).

My dream themes are random everyday occurrences that any woman may encounter. I am a woman full-time in my dreams experiencing those random everyday occurrences.

For example, once I dreamed I was back in college during final exams, unprepared as usual. With only 15 minutes to go before my Psychology course final exam started, I was out on the campus scrambling between buildings trying to find an exam schedule because I forgot where my exam was taking place.

At one point, I dumped the contents of my white pocketbook on the ground and rifled through each of its pockets trying to find the schedule. Still looking for the schedule, I woke up from the dream.

In that dream, I did not get dressed and I did not run into a friend or relative, who accepted me. I was already dressed and never noticed how I was dressed. Only when I searched my pocketbook was there any indication that I was dressed en femme. Getting dressed and being accepted was not an issue. Instead, I was dressed en femme and acting as a woman might in that situation.

How I became a woman is never given a thought; I am fully accepted as a woman in my dream world and no longer need the affirmation of others.

Wearing Cult Gaia Franco

Womanless wedding party, circa 1965