Men

On Wednesday, Paula wrote about the options that exist for going places en femme. 

Been there, done that so often that I have absolutely no fear about going out anywhere en femme once I overcame the one big fear I had when I went out: encounters with men.

I had no trouble mixing it up with females, but I avoided males whenever possible. In general, I think females (except those who may be “family”) are more accepting of transwoman than males.

When I encounter females when I am out en femme, some may not figure me out and as a result, they just treat me like another female. Those who do figure me out seem to respect my desire to be a on their team and they also treat me like another female. I can count on one hand the negative encounters I have had with females when I am en femme.

Males are something else altogether. I worried how males would react if they figured me out when I was out en femme. I did not want to find out the hard way, so I avoided males. On the other hand, it is impossible to avoid all encounters with males and I can truly say that I cannot recall any negative encounters with the males I could not avoid, but I still continued to avoid them whenever I could.

Visiting New York City for four days en femme in June 2009, I realized that it would be difficult to avoid the millions of males that populate Manhattan. I overcame the problem the very first evening I was in the Big Apple.

I had checked into my hotel and had changed into female mode for a night out with some local acquaintances. While I was waiting to go out, I was adjusting the thermostat in my hotel room and managed to knock out the air conditioning. It was warm and I did not want to be without AC, so I called the front desk and they said they would send up a repairmen.

In the past, I would have gotten back into boy mode as quickly as I could so I would not have to face the repairman en femme, but that evening, I decided that the repairman would not be the last male I would encounter during my NYC visit, so I remained en femme.

The repairman arrived, reset the AC and was out the door in less than two minutes. He was pleasant and interacted with me as if nothing was amiss (other than the AC).

That interaction with the repairman set the tone for the rest of my stay in NYC as well as the rest of my stay on the planet Earth. I no longer fear encounters with males and I stopped avoiding them.

During my stay in NYC, I had no negative encounters with males. In fact, I had some positive encounters. Two males addressed me as “hon” (as in short for “honey”). And another male blew me a kiss while I was shopping in Sephora. And you know you’re onto something when a squad car full on NYC policemen check you out as you cross Sixth Avenue in Times Square wearing a dress and heels!

Those positive encounters convinced me that I was successfully passing as a female some of the time (and if you can make it as a female in New York City, you can make it as a female anywhere). My confidence was at an all-time high and has remained at that level ever since.

Wearing Chicwish

Bruno Sanches and Alex Lutz femulating on French television’s La revue et presse de Catherine et Liliane.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Venus

Eamon Farren femulating in Australian television’s Carlotta

Going Places

By Paula Gaikowski

We all start out furtively, drawn to our mother’s or sister’s closet, out of wonder and intrigue, and then one day, curiosity blossoms into bliss and we are changed forever. So begins our journey and at first, we experiment alone hidden away trying on lingerie, dresses, hosiery, shoes and makeup. As we evolve, we seek validation of our feminine visage. Eventually there comes a need to be out in the world as a woman, to be seen, accepted and validated. Those first steps are the most difficult, standing in front of the hotel room door and finding the courage to step out. I remember it well frozen with fear but still wanting to do it so badly.

How did I start going out in public? I have been asked that question often over the years and I’d like to share some of the tips and advice that made it fun and fulfilling for me.

My ventures out into the world were mostly from hotel rooms on business trips or from my home when the family was out for the day or away on vacation. So I recommend finding a base you can operate from whether it’s a hotel or home, you need a place where you can spend time getting ready to go out. This is a magical time while you transform yourself and the caterpillar turns into a butterfly, so it’s important that you can focus and enjoy the process.

It’s very important for me when out and about to be seen or even pass as a woman. However, I also love to wear feminine and stylish clothing. That being skirts, dresses, pantyhose and heels. Whereas most women wear slacks, capris or jeans. I like to use the maxim “to dress one level up.” If the ladies are generally dressed in jeans at the venue you are going, then wear slacks and a nice top. If they are dressed for the office in slacks and nice tops, then I’d try my skirts and fitted suits. You want to look nice without looking out of place. 

The winter season with sweaters and layers were always my friend and that is why a lot of my adventures were during the colder months. I could write a book about getting dressed and looking just right, but that’s part of your journey and you need to work at it and progress. That girlfriend is where the joy is in all of this.

If you’re standing in front of the mirror and she stares back at you, it’s time to go. But where? Here are some of the places I’ve had success at while growing my image and confidence.

The first steps I took out were from the hotel room to the car and then back to the hotel room under the cover of darkness. A great way to start, then I’d walk around the outside of the hotel, maybe passing a person or two. I’d go to the vending machine and buy a soda. I soon found some self-confidence and the fear subsided. 

Then one day, I left my room key in the room – dressed as a woman, I was locked outside. It was probably one of the best things that happened to me. This had been a nightmare of mine, but when it happened, I was remarkably calm knowing there was only one way to solve my dilemma, going to the front desk, showing my ID and getting a new key. Dressed in a black skirt suit, I approached the desk knowing I was crossing a threshold moment and was surprisingly composed. 

“Hi, I can’t believe it, but I seemed to have left my key in the room.”

Without missing a beat and with a smile, she asked for my ID. All this time I’m wondering does she realize that I’m a crossdresser? Is she going to gasp when she sees my ID? 

A professional, she smiled and handed me a new key and added, “I love that pin you’re wearing.” 

I thanked her and opened an honest conversation about my predicament. She was helpful and kind and I realized at that point I was going to be able to go out in the world and enjoy being a woman. After this, I would sometimes lock myself out on purpose just so I could have conversations and interaction with someone. Keep in mind, the persons at the front desk are typically young women who are very accepting and eager to help.

My next steps out into the world were shopping malls. At first, I’d just enter, walk the length of mall stopping along the way to look into the windows of different shops and use the reflection to notice if people were noticing me. They weren’t – they just walked by busy with their own lives. Eventually, I started going into different shops (my favorites were Nordstroms and Lord & Taylor). I was always treated as a lady, used the fittings rooms and bought dresses.

Another early destination in your voyage should be to a transgender boutique such as Glamour Boutique, Rori’s or Janet’s Place. Here you can show up en femme and be sure to find a supportive environment. My first makeover at the Glamour Boutique in the 1999 was life-changing.

Cosmetic counters are supportive and helpful to transgender women. After you’ve made your first few walkabouts, make an appointment for either a makeover or makeup lesson at MAC, Sephora or Ulta. Give them a call and tell them you are transgender and want a makeover. At Mac, a 60-minute full makeover in a private room is $60 and a 90-minute lesson is $90. You can expect a bubbly and expert makeup artist who is excited to help you. 

I started doing this in almost every city where I had a business trip. I’ve lost count on how many makeovers I’ve had, but I learned so much about makeup, cosmetics and femininity. This is a great next step in your journey.

Another safe and fun place are busy office parks. I’d find a busy office complex and walk through the lobby, stop and have a cup of coffee in the café and just stroll around and be seen. It’s just a great way to get out and build confidence.

Wig stores also count on the transgender community for a share of their business. Give them a call and make an appointment. If you are in New England, I recommend Amanda Thomas wigs in Nashua, New Hampshire. They are a great friend of the community.

I spent about five years going to a therapist – it was a great decision. I told my wife it was for depression and stress and she was on board 100%. Going to a therapist was one of the best things I could have done. Being able to talk about “anything” was so cathartic and healing. 

I never expected to go to a session dressed as a woman. When my wife and daughter were on vacation, I woke up on the morning of my appointment and got all dolled up and said, “What the heck!” and drove into Boston. I parked the car and strolled through the campus of Boston University Medical center in a business suit, had breakfast in the café, rode the elevator with a Boston cop and l use the ladies’ room. Then I met with Dr. D who smiled a mile wide when he saw me. A great break through and awesome session. I can only say if you are looking for a safe space to go out as a woman, your therapist is the place.

Going out with other girls or attending a support group meeting is another great way to meet others like you, learn from their experience and express your feminine side. I had the chance to attend a transgender conference when my business trip and the Colorado Gold Rush conference intersected. It’s an amazing experience to meet scores of other just like you. I’ve also made connections thru social media with other transgender women and met up with them while traveling. I’ve attended a support group meeting in Chicago, went to a concert in the UK and visited the Ronald Reagan Library.

Dining out by myself after a makeover or shopping in the mall was always fun. I always liked Cheesecake Factory where I’ve always been treated well as a lady.

I still have a few other events on my bucket list. I’d love to attend a wedding en femme or even be a bridesmaid. 

I’ve never flown as a woman and I know that many do. When on business, I would always envy all the businesswomen in the airports and always wished I could be like them. I’d love to fly somewhere as a woman with only my girl clothes and attend a class or conference as a woman for a whole week. 

It’s important to remember this is a joyful and delightful experience. Ask any sister who has spent time out in the world and they will tell you that the fears they had about going out were unfounded. Enjoy all the little successes, learn from the stumbles and remember, you are doing nothing wrong – it’s okay to be transgender, so let her loose and be free.

Wearing Nine West

Another modern couple (boy and girl)

Someday Funnies: The Million Dollar Question

Wearing New York & Company

Ross Adams femulating in an episode of British television’s Hollyoaks. 

Pronouns and We/Us

Meg wrote, “How do your readers feel about offering pronouns?

“I feel (you knew this was coming) like it’s the trans equivalent of “Latinx,” something non-Latinos came up with so they can show they’re supportive but the target group does not like at all.

“I think this is a cis-gender construct to show they're supportive of the non-binary community, but not really. If I’m in a dress, wig and heels, do I really need to say, “Meg, she/her?” Or if I am sans all of those things, should I need to say “he/him?” 

“At work, I leaned more and more towards androgynous/femme and the only reason I did not include pronouns is I felt that turned it into a bathroom issue and I wasn’t full Meg at any time.

“Also, too many ‘funny’ people are using the pronoun construct to just spew hate. I don’t need to give another venue to those sorts of people.

“The last couple of groups I joined, people gave pronouns. Some did prefer they/them or a zie variation, but the newest group is seniors and I’m pretty sure I could fill in the blank on pronouns for all of them.

“Your thoughts?”

Mark Your Calendars Dept.

The Casa Susanna documentary will air on PBS’s American Experience on Tuesday, June 27, 9-10 p.m. ET. (Thank you, Diana, for the heads-up.)

Wearing New York & Company

Jonny Beauchamp femulating on television’s Katy Keene.

Someday Funnies: What – No Cookies?

Wearing Paige

Edgar Nelson Barclift (September 14, 1917 – March 11, 1993) was an American choreographer and dancer. As a member of the United States Army's Theatre Section during the Second World War... (Source: Wikipedia)

Following a Trailblazer

Yesterday I was honored to have this photo added to an exhibit in Cleveland's LGBTQ+ complex, Studio W 117, as part of This is Trans: A Photography Journey of Love and Awareness. Today, I am also filled with pride to announce the newly renovated and updated Kandi's Land! Please check us out! Not a bad 24 hours or so. How did I get here?

I want to take this opportunity to thank Stana publicly for many reasons. This blog (her blog) normalized all of this for me and many. It showed what was possible. This blog also gave me the motivation to do one myself. I have always enjoyed writing, but was that tree that fell in the woods. If I write something meaningful, does it make a sound? Now I try to make that sound for our sisters. I don't have a magic wand to fix the big picture issues many sisters have to fight every day. I don't have the answers for many questions, including why am I this way?But I can use my blog, my voice, to be part of the chorus led by Femulate.

Please understand the work that goes into running places like Femulate and Kandi's Land. It is a labor of love. We do it because it matters. Every voice, every opportunity for one person to find out they are not alone, every shared experience, matters. Every time you are out, every interaction is another jelly bean in the jar. When you change one mind, you make a permanent and positive impression with someone, it all gets a little better for those that follow. It will never be perfect, nothing ever is. But it will get better, it is better, we must continue to strive for better.

We have to support each other; we need to remain a community and we need to thank trailblazers like Stana for showing us the way. I'll try to do my part on my miniscule microfiber of the internet. Support Femulate, check us at Kandi's Land out. Most importantly, love yourselves!

We now return to regular programming...

Wearing Ann Taylor

Alan Manson femulates Jane Cowl surrounded by other femulators in the 1943 film This is the Army. Click here to view this film on YouTube.

A Proclamation on Transgender Day of Visibility

Transgender Day of Visibility celebrates the joy, strength, and absolute courage of some of the bravest people I know — people who have too often had to put their jobs, relationships, and lives on the line just to be their true selves.  Today, we show millions of transgender and nonbinary Americans that we see them, they belong, and they should be treated with dignity and respect.  Their courage has given countless others strength, but no one should have to be brave just to be themselves.  Every American deserves that freedom.

Transgender Americans shape our Nation’s soul — proudly serving in the military, curing deadly diseases, holding elected office, running thriving businesses, fighting for justice, raising families, and much more.  As kids, they deserve what every child deserves:  the chance to learn in safe and supportive schools, to develop meaningful friendships, and to live openly and honestly.  As adults, they deserve the same rights enjoyed by every American, including equal access to health care, housing, and jobs and the chance to age with grace as senior citizens.  But today, too many transgender Americans are still denied those rights and freedoms.  A wave of discriminatory State laws is targeting transgender youth, terrifying families and hurting kids who are not hurting anyone.  An epidemic of violence against transgender women and girls, in particular women and girls of color, has taken lives far too soon.  Last year’s Club Q shooting in Colorado was another painful example of this kind of violence — a stain on the conscience of our Nation.

My Administration has fought to end these injustices from day one, working to ensure that transgender people and the entire LGBTQI+ community can live openly and safely.  On my first day as President, I issued an Executive Order directing the Federal Government to root out discrimination against LGBTQI+ people and their families.  We have appointed a record number of openly LGBTQI+ leaders, and I was proud to rescind the ban on openly transgender people serving in the military.  We are also working to make public spaces and travel more accessible, including with more inclusive gender markers on United States passports.  We are improving access to public services and entitlements like Social Security.  We are cracking down on discrimination in housing and education.  And last December, I signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law, ensuring that every American can marry the person they love and have that marriage accepted, period.

Meanwhile, we are also working to ease the tremendous strain that discrimination, bullying, and harassment can put on transgender children — more than half of whom seriously considered suicide in the last year.  The Department of Education is, for example, helping ensure that transgender students have equal opportunities to learn and thrive at school, and the Department of Justice is pushing back against extreme laws that seek to ban evidence-based gender-affirming health care.

There is much more to do.  I continue to call on the Congress to finally pass the Equality Act and extend long-overdue civil rights protections to all LGBTQI+ Americans to ensure they can live with safety and dignity.  Together, we also have to keep challenging the hundreds of hateful State laws that have been introduced across the country, making sure every child knows that they are made in the image of God, that they are loved, and that we are standing up for them.

America is founded on the idea that all people are created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout their lives.  We have never fully lived up to that, but we have never walked away from it either.  Today, as we celebrate transgender people, we also celebrate every American’s fundamental right to be themselves, bringing us closer to realizing America’s full promise.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, JOSEPH R. BIDEN JR., President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim March 31, 2023, as Transgender Day of Visibility.  I call upon all Americans to join us in lifting up the lives and voices of transgender people throughout our Nation and to work toward eliminating violence and discrimination against all transgender, gender nonconforming, and nonbinary people.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day of March, in the year of our Lord two thousand twenty-three, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and forty-seventh.

JOSEPH R. BIDEN JR.

Aspiration Is Inspirational

By Cathy Laura Peterson

Cathy Laura Peterson

Tami Knight closed her recent post with these lovely words, “friendship is aspirational, when we meet someone we like, because we find aspects of them we admire.” I absolutely confirm Ms. Knight’s perspective. I enjoy my regular visits to Femulate because it is very affirming and encouraging to know there are so many femulating women like me all across the country. Tami shared her lovely personal story of connecting with others in the everyday world as the woman she enjoys being. As I read about her experience, her aspiration became my inspiration to share my very similar experiences to her socializing at church.

I live in very open-minded LA. I’m mid-60s (but everyone tells me I look mid-50s). There are two “safe places” of cisgender gal-friends I see regularly, similar to Tami’s Congregational church. The first is a new-age/far-East influenced day-spa. The second is a women’s book club. 

I have been going to the spa every three to four weeks for over five years. The owner is an early 50s woman. The two female receptionists are early 40s. The staff of aestheticians, massage therapists, manicurists and beautician-stylists are ten gals and one male masseuse. They all only know me as Cathy and to quote Tami, it is these “women who are more social” and have been incredibly friendly and welcoming. Same as Tami, “I have no doubt that the owner and her staff have or might have figured me out, but how does one explain the friendly faces, smiles, and laughter from so many women?” The women at the spa are so fun to see. I love to hear, “Hi Cathy” or “she can sit right here” or “hello my dear, don’t you look lovely today,” or “let’s have her in salon number four today.”

The ladies’ book club was referred to me by the spa owner and the gal who has always done my Swedish massage for five years. Sharon has hosted the club for about 20 years at her beautiful (and huge) house on a quiet tree-lined street in Santa Monica. We are currently reading and discussing All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. Most nights we are nine or ten women relaxed in a spacious living room with fireplace along with tea and scones. These gals also only know me as Cathy and once again, all I can do is wonder do they know? But they always treat me like any other woman in the group and this has carried over into meeting for coffee or lunch with three ladies I have become genuine friends with.

Granted, the westside of LA near the beaches is very progressive, PC and TG-friendly shops, clothing stores, restaurants, coffee shops, movie theaters, libraries, art galleries – so this provides the perfect environment to venture out as a woman among women. Perhaps all these gals know or at least suspect, but I have only experienced genuine kindness, laughs, fun conversations, smiles, hugs and a true acceptance among them simply as Cathy.

Tami’s thoughts on aspirational friendships are incredibly inspirational to me as I have navigated this delicate walkway at the spa and Sharon’s home these many years. And I can wholeheartedly say that being with women as Cathy only makes me wish to aspire to even more female friendships who will only know me as Cathy Laura Peterson. Times at the spa and book club are far and away the most relaxing, affirming and encouraging places to be as Cathy and I am so grateful for these ladies. Hopefully, you too will also be inspired to aspire to such opportunities for friendship with women solely as a woman. 

Side Note: I echo Tami’s words, “My voice is pretty good, but I might give out clues in a longer conversation and I dress like any other female wherever I am and carry myself with a sense of pride.” One fun outcome from my many years of individual and group gender identity counseling therapy has been for me to aspire to three female archetypes in my clothing, hairstyles and overall look when I aspire in public (these arose out of my therapist’s passion for Depth Psychology). 

First is Beachy BoHo Casual Pinterest Shabby Chic. Second is Professional Business Woman (law firm, accounting office, bank, finance company, etc.). And third is Elegant Garden Party/Wedding Reception/Bridal Shower/High Tea. For the spa and book club, I usually aspire to the Beachy BoHo Casual Pinterest Shabby Chic archetype and blend in very well like one of the gals.

I do envy Tami for her more traditional feminine dimensions. Like Stana, I pass very well in public even though I’m definitely a tall woman at 6 feet 2 – but 183 pounds with a 31-inch waist and long slender legs. My own hair is very full so I wear it in an age-appropriate style just over my collar all around. I have invested seven years with a naturopath-homeopathic gal’s prescribed intensive daily regimen of plant-based phytoestrogen extracts and capsules (alongside diet and exercise) resulting in amazing natural breast development. I now measure 39-31-35, wear Misses 10 or 12 and 36C bra. Also like Stana, I can no longer be without a shirt with family, friends, neighbors – so I have settled into good ways to stay covered and flattened. But it’s a very small price to pay as I aspire to acceptance among women as a woman.

Wearing Bella Dahl

Kayky Brito (left) femulating in Brazilian television’s Pepper Chocolate (Chocolate con Pimenta).

Someday Funnies: Beyond Chapeau

Wearing Ann Taylor

Piotr Gawron-Jedlikowski femulated Magdalena Narożna on Polish television’s Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo. Click here to view this femulation on YouTube.

My Trigger

Monday’s post and your comments to that post reminded me what may have been my trigger.

In the past, I have written that discovering the world of female impersonators moved me to try female impersonation myself at the age of 12. However, I had been exploring my gender gifts years before that, so female impersonation was not necessarily my trigger. But it was so long ago, that I am not actually sure what it was. 

Digging way down deep in my memory, I can only recall one event that may have started it all.

I was probably between the ages of 6 and 9 and for a day or two, I wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I remember I was home alone with my mother (my father and sister were out) and I covered my face with my mother’s cold cream to simulate a clown’s white face. What a mess!

I showed my handiwork to my mother and she volunteered to do a better job. She removed the cold cream and started anew applying various cosmetics to my face.

When she was done, I looked in the mirror and was shocked. Instead of looking like a clown, I looked like a girl. I still remember the bright red lipstick on my lips.

In retrospect, I am not sure if she realized what I was trying to do. I do not recall if I was clear about trying to be a clown. She may have thought I was trying to be a girl and acted accordingly.

Anyway, I was so embarrassed that I insisted that she remove the makeup before my father and sister returned home. She complied.

But now I no longer wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I wanted to be a woman.

Wearing Cynthia Rowley

William Hoeveler femulating for University of Pittsburgh’s 1938 womanless stage show.