Dear Sixteen

By Paula Gaikowski

Sixteen is an age when we think we know everything, yet we know almost nothing. In my 60’s perhaps, I’ve learned a few things – one of those things is how little I do know. With that in mind I’ve decided to write a letter to my 16-year-old self.

Dear Paul or might I say Paula?

I am writing to you from the future. You don’t know me, but I know you very well. There are 50 years that separate us and time, you will learn, changes all, which in a practical sense, really makes me a different person. 

I won’t tell you how our life story goes, but I will tell you that there is nothing to fear. I won’t ask you how you are because I know exactly how you are: confused, conflicted and depressed about a lot of things. The disfunction at home, Mom and Dad’s fighting, their alcoholism, trouble with schoolwork and you feel lonely, uncertain and sometimes hopeless. 

There is also another really big thing that bothers you, a big secret that you are embarrassed and ashamed about. Yes, I know that you feel like and want to be a girl. I know that you dress in your mom’s and sisters’ clothes after school. I know that you have just read Christine Jorgensen’s biography and was moved by it. Yes, I know your deep dark secret. It’s okay. You have a condition that is not understood in 1976, but in a few years, there will be a name for it, “transgender.” You are transgender.

Before we talk about that big secret, I want to give you some advice about some of the mistakes we made along the way. 

First, take care of your health and your body. In our 20’s and 30’s, we drank a lot and it really had a negative effect on our life. We also over-ate and gained weight. We did this as a way to blur the anxiety and depression we were experiencing as a transgender person. 

Next year, our sister is going to build a house. Stay off the roof; you fall off and hurt your back.

At one point, you decide not to continue your education. One regret we have now is not doing so, please consider this carefully.

As for your home life, Mom and Dad in the year 2022 are much loved and better understood. Granted the environment you are living in now is emotionally unhealthy and a toxic environment for a young person coming of age. You leave home after high school and that will be for the best. Right now, you know what is right and wrong and what is good and bad. Trust your instincts they will serve you well.

So, let’s talk about your big secret. I know right now in 1976 Bruce Jenner is in the news for winning the Olympic decathlon. Guess what? In 2015, Bruce announced to the world that she is transgender and transitions as a woman. I won’t tell you her new name. I’ll let that be a surprise. Her biggest regret is hiding this secret and losing the chance to live as her true self for so many years.

In the year 2022, transgender persons will be much more common. The medical field will have treatments for persons like ourselves. You will be able to change your body to match how you feel inside. Gender reassignment surgery, facial feminization surgery, breast augmentation and hormone replacement therapy will be offered in most major medical centers and be covered by insurance.

Major corporations will help employees transition on the job and transgender persons even serve in the military.

I understand how joyful you feel when you spend time dressed as a girl and imagine life as a young woman. I also understand the apprehension you have if your secret was to get out at this time in your life; you fear that nobody would understand or support.

People will come and go out of your life and you shouldn’t be afraid to be yourself. You will find that people who care about you will accept you and support you. The persons who don’t are the ones who don’t stay in your life that long.

In the next few years there will be times when you have a chance to share your feelings with some – trust them and do it. I decided not to and regret that. 

You’ll have a relationship with a gay woman. Both of you will be navigating your awaking sexuality. She will offer to teach you about fashion, style and dressing as a woman. She will also offer to take you out and introduce you to other transgender persons. Take a chance and don’t be afraid.

Stop beating yourself up for being transgender. You did nothing wrong. You were born differently and have a different path than others. You are a good, kind, thoughtful, hardworking, intelligent and caring person. You have so much to give to the world no matter how you decide to live your life. Just trust how you feel and don’t be afraid of what others might think.

I had a good life living as a man. I’ve been successful and had a family and a wife. However, along with this has been periods of deep despair and a constant low-grade depression – a feeling that things are not right. A square peg in a round hole. Just get through the next few years, I would always say.

I know myself very well at this point in my life and have given “our secret” a lot of thought and consideration. I can say that deep down I know that I would have been happy living as a woman. I’ve learned over the years that these feelings are much deeper than wearing nice clothes and glamour. In my heart and inborn in me is a need to be seen, socialized and loved as a female. I know that I would have contributed to society and lived a full and satisfying life as a woman, wife and mother.

With Heartfelt Love, 

Your 63-year-old Self

Wearing Bebe

Femulating in Paris in 1964

Thor’s Day Out

Thursday, I dressed pretty and attended the Creative Cocktail Hour put on monthly by Real
Art Ways. “Held every third Thursday of the month. A diversity of cool cats and outcasts gathers to experience art and connect with one another.” 

Last time I attended was just before the pandemic. Avoiding crowds, I have not attended since... until yesterday. (Before the pandemic, I attended three or four times each year.)

I wore a new dress from Zesica via Amazon – a sleeveless Damask T-shirt cover-up dress in a sexy leopard print, nude pumps from Payless, nude bag from Christian Siriano, nude thigh highs from Berkshire, gold necklace and earrings from Avon and unmentionables from Rago. 

To offset all the nude-ity, I wore a black scarf, but that choice was rejected by my fashion consultant (my Missus). She suggested something brighter, so we went through my scarf stash and redressed with a gold scarf.

The “Hour” starts at 6, so I left home at 5:30 PM. Traffic was light once I got through ESPN Town congestion and I arrived at Real Art Ways at 5:50. Paid my admission and looked for a familiar and/or welcoming face. 

I immediately ran into Deja, a friend who I first met at our support group years ago. We bought drinks, then grabbed a couple of seats indoors to catch up with each other’s lives. After we were all caught up, we went outside to listen to the live band, where I ran into Audrey, another support group friend. Audrey took the photo above, while we tried to catch up, but it was difficult because the band was very loud.

I did not encounter any other old friends, but I did meet some new acquaintances – two girls like me, one girl who was indeterminate and a table of cisgender girls, who “loved” my outfit.

At 8 PM, I exited to avoid driving in the dark. 

It was fun to get out again and I plan to do so more often.

Wearing Soleiluna

Members of Transvestite Independence Club (TVIC) circa 1977

Someday Funnies

Wearing Paige

Members of the American Guild of Variety Artists (AGVA), circa 1965

Fear of Height

First time en femme among the civilians

Reading Paula’s post on Monday about being paralyzed by fear when attempting to go out en femme brought to mind my own going out en femme fears.

For years, I only went out en femme to attend support group meetings and support group-sponsored outings to restaurants, beauty salons, wig stores, etc. I was closeted the rest of the time because I feared that I would not pass due to my height (six foot two).

On at least one occasion, I made up my mind that I would go to the mall en femme. I drove to the mall, parked my car, sat in my car and finally got out of my car. And quickly got back in my car and drove home. Mission Not Accomplished!

There are not many women who measure up to my height, so my fear was justified. I resigned myself to being closeted forever. But then I began taking names – the names of women of height. 

Women of height affirmed my existence as a tall woman, i.e., I was not the only tall woman out and about in society. Few were as tall as me, but maybe there were enough out there so that I could blend in more easily as just another tall woman.

With new confidence, I drove to the mall again, parked my car, sat in my car, finally got out of my car, walked into the mall and the rest is herstory! 

It was not a perfect outing. A couple of women reacted in a manner that indicated that they might have figured me out. And that’s not surprising because it was my first time out among the civilians; I was a little nervous and might have done something to give myself away. Either that or they were just in awe of my Amazonian beauty (yeah – that's the ticket).

By the end of the day, I was strutting my stuff like a full-time woman. It felt wonderful. My fear of height was gone and I never hesitated again going out en femme among the civilians.

Wearing Bailey44

Womanless wedding, circa 1960

Someday Funnies

Wearing Ann Taylor

Alex Newell

Fear Not

By Paula Gaikowski

Paula on a train in London

I step toward the mirror; there she is “Paula.” A huge smile flashes across my face, a joyfulness takes over, a sense of relief. I primp in the mirror then pack my purse, credit cards, license, cash and room key. I primp in the mirror again. My nails! I forgot my nails. It takes a few minutes, but they’re pretty, a press-on French manicure – just the right feminine detail. 

I check my purse again. I’m nervous; there’s a bit of trepidation as I stand in front of the door. Faintly I hear his voice pulling me back. I stand there frozen. I open the door and step out and take a few steps. Filled with fear, I run back to the safety of the hotel room.

I go back out. This time I make it to the car. Oh gosh, as much as I want to, I can’t do this and I run back to the room. I spend the rest of the night doing my makeup and trying on different outfits. Next time I tell myself, next time.

I didn’t bust out of my and Dockers and into a skirt and heels without a struggle. This butterfly spent a lot of time as a caterpillar emerging. I spent most of the 90’s doing just what I described above and it wasn’t until 2006 that I started going out and about on a regular basis as a woman.

I was fearful of many things, but mostly it was a matter of self-acceptance. I gave myself permission to be transgender. Sounds simple, even silly, however, I finally realized that it was okay if I didn’t pass. I’ve grown a lot over the years. I no longer see my dressing as a woman as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. 

Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side. When I am in public, if somebody realizes that I was a transgender woman that is okay because I am. That made a big difference in my frame of mind and allowed me to walk out the door.

As we all know, the fears we had were unfounded. Some of us went out and passed some of the time, but if we didn’t pass, we were still treated with respect and politeness.

Still many of us struggle with that bit of apprehension when leaving the refuge of our home or hotel room. After two years of pandemic imposed exile, I find myself acting like I did back in the 90’s. Gazing at that door with trepidation and pondering “what if, oh no!” 

So I came up with a little psychological ploy to overcome my doubts, fears and worries. One of the hurdles I had to get over was that I thought of myself as a man going out into the world dressed as a woman. Although I live as man most of the time, deep down I am a woman and for reasons too complex and drawn-out to list here, I live as a man.

Before going out, I check myself over making sure my look is complete. I take several minutes and begin meditating. This is a very peaceful time. After getting dressed and transforming myself, I feel so feminine, harmonious and euphoric. 

I imagine myself as a transgender woman who transitioned many years ago. I live as woman every day now, I tell myself. There is no reason to fear because I wear these clothes and makeup every day. I am Mrs. Paula Gaikowski, a married woman with a loving husband and family. I have a successful career as a woman. This is who I really am and who I was meant to be, so go forth without fear or worry and enjoy being my true self.

When I walk out that door that’s how I see myself. t works for me; maybe it will help you, too. 

Wearing Venus

Femulating on Hungarian television’s Éretlenek

Someday Funnies: Moving Forward

Wearing Joie

Unknown femulating gentle man

Someday Funnies

The Ever-Expanding Wardrobe

I bought two Zesica dresses for my wife for her recent birthday. After unwrapping the dresses, she was very pleased with my choices. 

Then she asked me if I had purchased any for myself. I said, “No.”

The dresses I bought my wife were very nice – better than I expected, so I visited Amazon and ordered two dresses for myself.

Wearing Ted Baker

Femulator Nikki

Someday Funnies

Wearing Waimari

Angus T. Jones femulating in a 2008 episode of television's Two and a Half Men.

Slipping Slip Sales

By Paula Gaikowski

Last century, in the 1980’s, my wife called me in a panic. She had left the house in such a hurry that she forgot to wear a slip under the dress she wore that day! Fortunately, she was able to telephone a friend who brought one of her own to work and saved the day. 

That’s how important a slip was in a woman’s wardrobe at one time. Some of us here at Femulate might remember our mothers or sisters rushing around the house in a slip getting ready for work or church – another layer of femininity that most of us noticed and eventually sought out. One of my most lasting memories is probably Elizabeth Taylor in the 1958 move Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Secretly, many of us wanted to be her slinking around in that slip.

Slips serve various purposes. 

• They help a dress or skirt hang properly, especially when static cling might otherwise cause the dress to wrap around the wearer's legs. 
• They protect the skin from chafing against coarse fabrics such as wool; conversely, if the outer garment is made of fine fabric, a slip protects it from perspiration. 
• Slips may be worn for warmth, especially if the dress or skirt is lightweight and thin. 
• In very warm or humid climates, a slip made entirely from cotton may be desired. 
• Slips are often worn to prevent the see-through of intimate undergarments such as panties or bras. 
• Slips may also be used to prevent a silhouette of the legs showing through clothing when standing in front of a bright light source.

The decline of the slip coincidentally coincides with the decline of pantyhose. There was a changing of the guard in the mid-90’s. Women became managers and gained control over dress codes and fashion choices in business. Female executives began to realize that there was no compelling reason why she or her colleagues had to spend $50 to $100 a month on pantyhose or wear them when it was hot and humid. 

The same thing happened with slips as women started to define the dress codes in business, the need to spend extra money on a garment that was thought old fashioned and too hot in the summer was tossed aside. Products like Spanx, Shape Slips Slip Shorts, etc. helped smooth out bumps and panty lines and replaced slips. 

I have several slips in my wardrobe: a nude and black half-slip and a beautiful pastel pink with lace trim full slip. They are a delight to wear and add a layer femininity and with it, joy to the process of getting dressed. I welcome the layer of warmth they provide during the cold New England winters. I’ve also joined the modern girls and have a selection of Spanx-like garments that I love.

Slips still have a place in modern women’s wardrobe, although they now are reserved for special occasions. Many women still proclaim the glamour and sexiness of wearing a garment designed to look pretty and feminine.  I couldn’t agree more.

Wearing Venus

Alistair Sim (center) and other femulators in the 1957 British film Blue Murder at St. Trinian's.

E-Mail Subscriptions Not Working

A number of readers have written to me that their e-mail subscription to this blog are no longer working. My guess is that all e-mail subscriptions to Femulate are affected. 

Something is amiss and I am looking into it. In the meantime, access the blog through your web browser using www.femulate.org