Coming Out Unintentionally

By Lisa

Do the people in your life know that you identify as CD or TG or something else outside the traditional binary? How do they know? Did you disclose it to them or did you unintentionally out yourself? Those questions are important if you are still partially in the closet as I am.

Coming out unintentionally came to mind when I was watching the excellent documentary Our Dad, Danielle, which played at the 2021 Vail Film Festival (23-26 September 2021). 

Danielle came out unintentionally to her daughter, Sarah, on a day when Danielle thought everyone in the family was away on a shopping trip. She decided to lounge in the family’s swimming pool in her swimsuit, but her daughter was in an upstairs bedroom with the blinds open and saw her dad and couldn’t make sense of it. 

Why would her dad wear a woman’s swimsuit? Had he simply looked for the nearest suit because his own swimsuit wasn’t available? It was confusing to her, so she asked her mother about it. Danielle’s wife, Becky, thereupon insisted to Danielle that she come clean.

That part brought back a memory when something similar happened to me. It also was very real to me because I am blessed with access to a swimming pool too and love to go there as Lisa (I also love to wear a sarong because I think it looks simply lovely).

My children are all grown and because I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship with my wife, when she is at work over the weekend, it is time for Lisa to be out. On one such a Saturday I was dressed casually with no makeup or wig making myself some lunch in the kitchen when my 28-year-old daughter walked into the room. It was her house too growing up and she was looking for something, so she thought nothing of simply walking in. She took one look at me and the only word she could utter was, “What?!” Whereupon I said, “Give me a second…” and I rushed out of the room to change into my costume (guy clothes). 

When I reappeared, I sat her down and explained that I was TG. She was gobsmacked because she had no idea that her dad identified as a woman. I told her that when she was a little over five years old, she had walked into the closet I shared with my wife and had seen me in a bra, panties and stockings. She didn’t remember that happening, which I found fascinating because it obviously meant that she had no strong feelings associated with seeing me in women’s undergarments. It was not in her long-term memory. Whereas I had very strong feelings being discovered by her and it was indelibly stamped in my own memory! 

It may be that the incident occurred prior to the point when she start noticing gender differences. In any case, as we talked I learned that the most important question for her was whether my wife knew about my gender dysphoria. I assured her that my wife knew, but only as much as my wife was willing to know. 

And my daughter wanted to know whether my sons knew. They did not and still might not know except that I felt compelled to tell them so that they had a personal stake in defending TG rights when a “bathroom bill” was introduced in our state legislature.

From the day of that outing until now, my daughter has been my staunchest ally and supporter. She allows me to share with her some of my experiences and feelings about being Lisa. She knows Lisa is fundamentally who I am. 

Kids today are so much more aware of trans issues and they fully accept that some people have gender dysphoria. Still, I have learned to keep my filters intact with her. A daughter is still a daughter, even if she is an ally. There are some things that are just too personal, particularly between a father and daughter, to be said or shared. I believe that is true for any relationship: an ally of mine (and I have some others) should only know what someone in that particular type of relationship would generally know about me.

How about you? Have you inadvertently been outed? If so, what did you do? Was it ultimately a positive or a negative experience? 

My hope is that you benefited from someone important in your life knowing, as I did – even if it was unplanned!

Wearing Elisabetta Franchi

Fernand Raynaud femulating in the 1959 French film La Marraine De Charley (another rendition of Charley’s Aunt)

Someday Funnies: Look Femme, Feel Femme, Be Femme

Wearing Chicwish

Harold Lloyd femulating in the 1918 film Kicked Out.

Get the Pointe

In Monday’s post, I wrote, “...wore my Nine West 4-inch high heel slingback pumps both days and they were comfortable from beginning to end, so I believe the foot stretching exercises that I do every morning are having an effect.”

In the comments, ikaras asked, “What foot exercises are working for you?”

To make a short story long...

In recent years, I noticed that my ability to wear high heels has diminished – I cannot wear heels for very long without pain in my foot. I was aware of various foot exercises that were supposed to help the problem, but I  never tried them.

Two summers ago, I had lower back pain and my doctor sent me for physical therapy. The therapist gave me a handful of exercises to do and I have been doing them every morning ever since. 

One of the exercises is the single leg knee-to-chest stretch. As in the photo above, with my hand behind my left knee, I pull my knee in to my chest until a comfortable stretch is felt in my lower back and buttocks. I hold that position for 30 seconds while keeping my back relaxed. Then I repeat the stretch with my right leg. Then I repeat the left and right stretches two more times.

One day, while counting down the 30 seconds, I thought about my high heels issue and wondered if I could stretch my foot while I was stretching my leg. After all, my foot was just hanging out in mid-air doing nothing! 

So I began stretching my foot during the knee-to-chest stretch. I simply swing my foot at the ankle in a tapping motion while stretching my toes like a ballet dancer performing the pointe technique, then swing my foot back to a natural standing (in mid-air) position. I repeat the foot stretch 30 times per set and use 30 foot stretches for counting down the 30 seconds of the knee-to-chest stretch set.

I have been doing my foot stretch exercise for about a year, but have not been able to see if they were doing any good because I have not worn high heels for an extended amount of time during the pandemic... until Saturday, when I wore high heels for eight hours.

My feet felt fine – no fatigue and no pain, so I assume my foot stretching had something to do with the big improvement in foot wear.

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on television (I prefer to play a nurse), so I am in no position to recommend that you do what I do, your mileage may vary, but it seems to have worked for me.

Wearing Elisabetta Franchi

U.S. Army infantryman Tony Starr femulates a burlesque queen for American troops in Korea, January 1946. 

Someday Funnies: The Long and Short of It

Wearing Shein

Forces in Petticoats femulating on the London stage in 1952. The Forces were comprised of former British Army, Navy and R.A.F. members.

Words of Wednesday

Who Wore It Better?

No contest. The lady on the left wore it better, but the lady on the right was a close second! By the way, the ladies are wearing mock neck ribbed dresses from Venus.

Commenting Tips

I moderate all comments. Therefore, after you submit a comment, it will not appear on the blog until I give it a thumbs-up. I check my email a few times each day and if I receive an email informing me that I have a comment to moderate, I get to it right away, but that could be minutes or hours after you submit a comment. So if your comment does not appear on the blog right away, don’t resubmit the comment. The blog did not eat your original comment; I just did not moderate it yet.

Another tip: Don’t insert a less-than (<) or greater-than (>) symbol in your comment. The blog software interprets the symbols as the start and end of HTML code and when your comment appears, it will not display anything you inserted between the symbols as well as the symbols.

And yes, you can insert HTML code in a comment. It is useful if you want to insert a link to a website or webpage in your comment by entering the following code:

   <a><href="www.femulate.org">femulate</a> 

Change www.femulate.org to the URL of the website/webpage you are linking to and change femulate to the name of the website/webpage you are linking to.

Wearing Isabel Marant

Casper Castello femulates in the 2011 Danish film Ladyboy.
You can view a clip from the film on YouTube.

Someday Funnies: If the shoe fits...

Wearing Nicole Miller

Brendan Jordan femulating old school Hollywood glamour

Zooming and Squeeming

Ready to Zoom on Saturday

This past weekend was my ham radio group’s big weekend with a Zoomed board meeting on Thursday and our annual conference Zooming on Friday and Saturday. I missed most of Friday due to family commitments, but I was all in on Thursday and Saturday.

The board meeting was only three hours long, yet I dressed fully en femme even though I would only be seen from mid-torso and up. Saturday was an all-day event (10 AM to 5:30 PM) – the longest I have been fully dressed en femme in a long while.

I wore my Squeem “Perfect Waist” waist cincher both days and I was reminded how comfortable as well effective it is. I also wore my Nine West 4-inch high heel slingback pumps* both days and they were comfortable from beginning to end, so I believe the foot stretching exercises that I do every morning are having an effect.

On the non-wardrobe front, I was visible en femme via Zoom to my fellow board members during the board meeting on Thursday where I was reelected as the group’s secretary for a 19th consecutive term! The board members are used to seeing me en femme via Zoom and in person at Hamvention, so it was not a big deal.

A bigger deal was Zooming en femme to the hundred or so conference attendees, many of whom have never seen me as a woman. Some are probably familiar with my male byline writing for ham radio publications for over 30 years and some are probably familiar with the female byline that I have been using the past 10 years, but not so much my female visage. Either way they seemed very comfortable interacting with me always using the correct pronouns and my female name. So I was very happy with that!

Which reminds me the first time I made a presentation to the public en femme. It was in person at Hamvention in 2018. (Stop me if you heard this story before.) 

After the presentation, a fellow came over to talk to me. He is a member of our organization and I have probably seen him at every Hamvention I have attended during the past 10 to 15 years.

The gent asked me, “How are you related to Stan Horzepa?”

I sure did not see that coming. It was music to my ears.

* An Amazon Associate link

Wearing Jonathan Simkhai

Dick Shawn femulating in the 1984 film Angel.
You can view the film on YouTube.

Someday Funnies

Hats off to Angela for the idea for this funny!

Wearing Ulla Johnson

Femulating on a 1995 episode of Hungarian television’s Éretlenek.

The Ladies’ Room

Gina asked me for my take on using the ladies’ room when we are presenting as ladies.

As I recall, the first time I ever used the ladies’ room was at a venue where my support group was having its annual banquet. For our “convenience,” the venue assigned us our own private restroom. I was having none of that and when I had to go, I used the ladies’ room that all the cisgender ladies were using. 

Entering the ladies’ inner sanctum and mixing with the female civilians was the highlight of that banquet. And ever since then, I have always used the ladies’ rooms and have never looked back.

I feel completely safe using the ladies' rooms in Connecticut. I don't give it a second thought because Connecticut courts say to use the restroom that matches your gender presentation. So Stana uses the ladies’ room and Stan uses the men’s room.

Actually, I use the ladies’ room wherever I find myself ― Massachusetts, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia ― in locales that do not have Connecticut's diverse restroom policy. Using the restroom in those states is a little daunting, but there is no way I am going to enter the men’s room dressed to the nines in a skirt and heels! So I take a deep breath, gird my loins and use the ladies’ room in those foreign climes.

Some girls recommend getting in and out of the ladies’ room as fast as possible so as not to bring any attention to oneself, but in my opinion, a woman using the ladies’ room in a hurried and perhaps furtive manner may raise a few eyebrows. When I use the ladies’ room, I always put my best high-heeled foot forward. I walk into the ladies’ room as if I belong, do my business, wash my hands, primp in the mirror and exit when I am done. All the while, I try not to bring attention to myself by acting inappropriately.

Life in the ladies’ room is very different than life in the men’s room. In general, men mind their own business in the men’s room and do not strike up conversations with other men. They do their business, occasionally wash their hands and get out of Dodge ASAP while trying to avoid eye contact with any other men using the facility.

In contrast, ladies often greet other ladies in the ladies’ room and will strike up a conversation at the drop of a hat. I lost count how many times cisgender ladies have struck up a conversation with me by complimenting my shoes, my hair, my dress, the weather, the venue, etc. So be prepared to chat with the other ladies’ using the facilities.

Gina asked, “What sort of attention am I likely to get from other users if I use such facilities and how do I avoid the prospect of being asked to leave the establishment as a result of attracting the wrong kind!”

The average civilian does not examine every person they encounter to try to determine if they are trans or not. Unless the transperson presents in a way that will alert a civilian that something is amiss (or not a Miss), the transperson will blend into the background of the civilian’s daily routine. So if your presentation works out and about, it will also work in the confines of the ladies’ room. And you will not be asked to leave the establishment.

I have never had any issues using ladies’ rooms in restaurants, malls, bars, department stores, universities, highway rest stops, banquet halls, gas stations, colleges, museums, theaters, convention halls, fairgrounds or anywhere else. Nor have I ever heard a negative comment regarding my presence in the holy of holies. Worst case, I might get an odd look, which indicates to me that the looker is not sure whether I am a girl or a boy. 

Family restrooms offer a safe place to do your thing without worrying about causing a commotion, but I still use the ladies’ room even if a family restroom is available. I would rather encounter a woman looking at me oddly in the ladies’ room than a guy looking at me oddly in the family restroom.

Usually, I am not a distraction and I actually enjoy my ladies’ rooms visits! But I dread using the ladies’ room for its intended purpose. The stalls are too tight for an Amazonian like me and it is difficult to get half undressed in that confined space, which is essentially what you have to do in order to do what you have to do; raise your dress or lower your slacks, lower your pantyhose, lower your panties and if you are wearing a girdle, you have to deal with that, too.

And after you do your business and wipe yourself, you have to get dressed in that confined space. That’s why I closely check myself out in the mirror after exiting the stall to make sure everything is where it is supposed to be.

And while you are in the stall, don’t put your bag on the floor ― yuck! Hang it on the hook that is usually mounted on the inside of the stall door.

And most importantly, remember to sit to pee!

Wearing Eloquii

Johnny Downs femulating in the 1941 film All American Co-Ed.

You can view this film on YouTube and be sure to check out the stage full of femulators at the beginning of the film.

Someday Funnies

Hats off to Angela for the idea for this funny!

Wearing Boston Proper

Contestant in the 2019 Miss Engineering Womanless Beauty Pageant