Saving Lives by Busting Gender Norms

By Chris Dorso

I’ve got dresses in my closet, charity to raise money for and gender norms to break. For each day in December, I’m wearing a dress to support the necessary work of the Dressember Foundation team, who have raised over $10 million dollars to battle human trafficking. 

Why a dress every day, when Dressember offers the option that men can just wear ties for the month instead?

1. Because ties are stupid and dresses are fun.

2. And because gender norms are stupid, too. Why does it matter what we wear? (I’m not talking about full drag. That’s Draguary, which is an entirely different charity month.) Just me, as I am, pulling some dresses out of the closet and wearing them... and raising money to help people who are being exploited around the world.

Dressember is rated Platinum by Guidestar and 100% by Charity Navigator, so you know your money is going to people who can make change happen.

Here are some ways you can help:

1. Donate, obviously. Even a dollar. Or two. Or five. GO CRAZY, PEOPLE. Make me raise my goal.

(1a. Or donate somewhere else if you want. Something local, something important to you, whatever. Again, even a few bucks helps and charities have been really hit hard this year.)

2. Join the team! You can wear dresses (or ties, if you’re boring), too!

3. Do you have an old XL dress or two lying around that you don’t know what to do with? I’m anywhere from a size 14 to a 20, depending on the dress. I’ll come get it and add it to my closet and then at the end of the month, I’ll donate dresses to a local charity.

Please visit Chris’ Dressember webpage to donate to this charity.

Wearing New York & Company

Dave Foley plays a femulating dentist in the 2004 film Employee of the Month.

Are we a Third Gender?

Do a little research and I think you will agree that we exemplify the definition of Third Gender. 

The primary difference between us and other Third Genders is that many of us do not present as Third Gender all of the time, whereas other Third Genders are full-time. 

“In some cultures being third gender may be associated with the gift of being able to mediate between the world of the spirits and world of humans. For cultures with these spiritual beliefs, it is generally seen as a positive thing, though some third gender people have also been accused of witchcraft and persecuted. In most western cultures, people who do not conform to heteronormative ideals are often seen as sick, disordered, or insufficiently formed.” 

That in a nutshell is why many of us are not full-time – we live in a society where rather than being accepted, we are excepted (or worse). On the other hand, some of us have shed all the pretenses of being male, let our Third Gender fly and damn the torpedoes – full speed ahead!

    

Wearing Boston Proper

Una Muxe
“In Zapotec cultures of Oaxaca (southern Mexico), a muxe (also spelled muxhe) is a person assigned male at birth who dresses and behaves in ways otherwise associated with women; they may be seen as a third gender.” (source: Wikipedia)

10 Years Ago Today

Before COVID-19, I actually dressed en femme and went out among the civilians. The following recounts such an outing that occurred 10 years ago today. 

Tuesday, I spent the day en femme.

I wore my argyle tunic, black ribbed tights and black mid-calf boots. After I looked in the mirror, I wondered if I was showing too much leg.

Lisa and Nancy at work wore similar outfits on Monday. Lisa wore leggings instead of tights, but they were form-fitting and could be mistaken for tights. So I figured that my tights could be mistaken for leggings, unless the viewer got real close.

Who was I trying to kid? 

You had to be myopic not to see that I was wearing tights. The ribbing gave them away. If the tights were a solid color, then mistaking them for form-fitting leggings was in the realm of possibility, but the ribbing was very apparent and to my knowledge, there is no such thing as ribbed leggings.

So why did I go out showing so much leg? Because after I looked in the mirror, I liked the way that I looked! 

I was out the door at 9:30 AM.

First, I wanted to see the man with all the toys, so I drove to the mall. I entered through JCPenney and spent about 20 minutes browsing through items in the woman’s clothing department. I saw a few items of interest and tried on a couple of jackets, but I discarded each one for different reasons. 

While I was in JCPenney, I was very self-conscious about my leggy outfit and I kept looking to see if I was attracting any attention. I noticed none, so I felt more comfortable with my appearance, and walked out into the mall.

At the center of the mall, I found Santa; he was ready for action and I was his first customer. I gave him a break and instead of sitting on his lap, I sat next to him.

While his elves snapped a couple of photos, I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas and he said that if I had been a good girl this year, he would see what he could do.

I chose which photo I thought was the best and the elves printed two copies of my pick to take home with me.

I exited the mall and drove to a strip of strip malls about ten minutes from the university where I would be doing outreach after noon. I intended to visit Dress Barn, Payless Shoes, Marshalls and Kohls, but by the time I finished visiting Dress Barn, it was time to drive to the university.

By the way, I tried on five dresses at “the Barn,” but bought none. Three were too small and the two that fit looked too big on me.

I arrived at the university and pulled up to the guard house that guarded the parking lot. After I explained why I was visiting the university, the guard said, “Park anywhere that is not reserved, Ma’am.”

“Thank you, sir.”

I parked the car, walked to class and on the way, a group of guys ogled me as I walked by.

“Thank you, guys.”

At the classroom, I met up with three other transgenders and the spouse of one. I had done outreach with all of them on many other occasions.

The two Human Sexuality classes had approximately 30 students each with females outnumbering males by about a 4-to-1.

The routine is that each of us spends about five minutes each telling our life stories in a nutshell. Then the students ask questions.

We hear many of the questions (like “How did you choose your female name?”) over and over again at each outreach, but there are always a few unique questions that require some thought to answer.

Yesterday, the students were very enthusiastic, had a lot good questions – so many so that we ran out of time before they had a chance to ask them all.

After the class, we read the students’ reactions to our presentations. I lost count of the number of reactions that admitted that before our presentations, the students thought that all transgenders were gay and now they learned that that urban legend is not true. Another common thread was that some of the students were apprehensive about our appearance, but afterwords, they felt very comfortable with us.

After the classes, I called it a day. I had not slept well the night before and I was exhausted, so I drove home and went to bed early. But before I fell asleep, I reflected on another fun and productive day out en femme and began looking forward to the next opportunity to be me.

Wearing J.Ing

Ving Rhames and fellow femulators in the 2000 film Holiday Heart

Growing Old Isn't for Sissies

As I close in on my 70th birthday, I am feeling my age. Aches and pains linger longer. I don’t move as fast as I did in the past, but I do get tired faster. My memory is not as good as it used to be and my eyesight is slowly getting worse.

On the other hand, my health is very good. I have no diseases and no prescriptions. And I look young for my age. I’m sure that never smoking and seldom drinking has something to do with it. Applying creams and moisturizers on a daily basis helps, too.

That being said, when I was younger, I assumed that when I became a senior citizen, I would not want to femulate because I would be an old lady. The desire to crossdress would dry up just like my youth. Who wants to look like an old lady? So I would abandon femulating and rest on my laurels.

Wrong!

The desire to femulate is stronger than ever. I want to femulate as often as possible because time is running out. But I feel so frustrated because the pandemic is keeping my femulations at bay. 

I do dress to the nines at home to keep in shape for future outings, but dressing up with no place to go is so boring. The holidays usually offer many opportunities to dress to kill, but not this year!

I am so anxious to femulate that I plan to dress en femme when I go to get vaccinated.

Wearing Adrianna Papell

“Old Lady” wearing Boston Proper dress and Nine West heels

Death of a Friend

The big names in our community garner a lot of press when they die, for example, the recent deaths of Jan Morris and Monica Roberts. But the death of the lesser-knowns in our community fade away without a word.

The following piece written by Paula Gaikowski, is a eulogy for one of those lesser knowns – Marcia Alvey.

I met Marcia back in the dark ages of the 90’s. I had a site on Geocites and she saw my picture and sent me an email. We were the same age. She lived in Portland Oregon and I lived in New England. We were both married, had children and were struggling with the angst of being transgender.  

Her story is not unlike yours, mine or ours and it is these shared experiences that bonded us together. 

As a child, Marcia always wanted to be a girl. There wasn’t any doubt, however, she did her best to fit in as there wasn’t any other real choice back then. She played football in college and graduated from Willamette University and went on to earn a law degree at Lewis and Clark Law School. She was admitted to the Oregon bar in 1987 and started her own firm in 1996. She married and raised two sons. 

After her divorce a few years ago, she decided to transition. She was an active volunteer with the Oregon Trial Lawyers Association and with Basic Rights Oregon seeking to protect the rights of LGBTQ Oregonians.

Throughout my life, I noticed that the feminine part of me, like a vine always moved toward the light. The growth of our friendship was one of those searching feminine moments, a need for someone like myself, who understood, respected and loved me. She was that light.

We shared our most secret secrets, words we did not dare to whisper to another soul. We shouted to each other in a language that only we understood because we were sisters of a type. What was foreign to others was native to us.

Watching her transition was amazing. I truly envied her and was awed by her bravery and the sensitivity and intelligence of how she approached it all.

Marcia was always there for me willing to listen and respond with kind words or advice. She was a kind, generous and a gifted person. Being transgender is not easy and unless you are transgender it is difficult to understand.

I corresponded with Marcia for over 20 years supporting, comforting and advising each other as we struggled with the problem of being transgender, married and parents.

My own brother died exactly one month before, Marcia did. Because of this preoccupation, I didn’t email Marcia for awhile. Finally, a few weeks ago, I sent an email, then another and finally one with the words, “I’m worried please answer!”

Last night, I received this from Marcia’s sister,

Paula, 

This is Marcia’s sister. Marcia passed away a week ago after having gall bladder surgery. I am so sorry to tell you this way.

I was heartbroken, however, you my Femulate sisters are the only ones who can understand this relationship and the loss. I really can’t share it with my wife, family or friends.

I have not transitioned, but I know that Marcia found peace in doing so. In her last email, she expressed to me the joy and happiness she felt that she was now seen and accepted as a woman by her colleagues and friends.

Paula, 

I was thinking of you yesterday on my drive home from work. I wanted to tell you this information in the worst way; like a girlfriend would.

It is not earth-shattering. I just had the realization due to a few moments and experiences that there is hardly any remnant of maleness left. I am a woman now. I feel it very much physically. I feel it very much socially. 

I went to the paint store yesterday and bought two gallons of stain and supplies for my sons to stain my deck at my condo. The clerk put it all in a box. When it was time to go, he handed me the roller extension pole then said, “Let me help you out with this ma’am.” 

You know what? I was thankful and relieved. I also felt very much a woman…

I believe that we never really lose the people we love, even to death. Their love, thoughts and principles leave a permanent imprint in our hearts. They continue on in this way in every action, belief, and choice we make. So too will you, dear Marcia, in our community you will be with us

I’ll miss you dear girlfriend, thank you so much for always being there and listening and advising. You left us too soon.

Wearing Shoshanna

Don Edmondson femulating in the 1974 film Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes also known as Jive Turkey. You can view the film on YouTube.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wearing New York & Company

Femulating in the 1991 Mexican film Hembra o Macho (Female or Male). Also known as Un Abogado en Aprietos (A Lawyer in Trouble), you can view the film on YouTube.

What Else I’m Underwearing

I realized that my previous post was incomplete after receiving this comment: “No hip pads?”

In addition to the longline bra, corset and padded panty, I wear a SPANX Oncore Open-Bust Panty Bodysuit to smooth and sculpt my body, i.e, to put the icing on the cake that my other shapewear had created.

Also, to be complete, I usually wear Berkshire thigh highs. Occasionally, I will substitute the thigh highs with No Nonsense sheer-to-waist pantyhose if my hemline is very short or if I am wearing a romper or shorts. HUE opaque tights are another leg wear option.

Getting back to the hip pads comment, my response was “No hip pads. The foundation garments I wear reduce my waistline so that it appears I have hips and a 42-34-42 figure, more or less.”

My “more or less” equivocation haunted me all morning. I had not taken my measurements in years – certainly not since I lost weight, nor since I began wearing the current combination of shapewear. 

To sate my curiosity, I slipped on all my shapewear, took my measurements and took them a second time because I was surprised by my initial measurements. Turns out I was little more voluptuous than I thought – my measurements are 44-36-44.

Wearing Boston Proper

Carl Switzer femulating in a 1937 Our Gang comedy Mail and Female

What I’m Underwearing

Self-portrait in pencil (2008)

I am always trying to improve my presentation. Losing 25 pounds last year made a big difference, but also required that I purchase new foundation garments because the undies I had been wearing were now too big. So a review of what I am currently underwearing is in order.

From top to bottom...

My bra size did not change. Maybe because what I was wearing was too small and now fits just right. I wear a longline bra to keep my tummy in check and recently switched from a Rago to a Carnival longline bra. I switched because the Carnavil is a front closure bra, whereas the Rago is a back closure bra. The front closure is just so much easier to deal with especially with a longline bra. Caveat emptor: the Carnival runs small and I had to order one band size larger (42B instead of 40B).

My derriere was not very shapely before the weight loss and was even more lacking after the loss, so I decided to experiment with padded panties to improve things down under. I found the Rago High Waist Padded Panty to be the solution for me. It adds a nice curve to my derriere where there was none before and it also acts as a girdle to flatten my tummy.

Under the bra and padded panty, I occasionally  wear a corset – the occasion being whether or not the outfit I am wearing is “body conscious” (“body con”). Corsets can be expensive, but I found a very inexpensive one that works for me – Frawirshau satin underbust corset that only costs $12.99! (It is so inexpensive that I bought a second one!)

So that’s the shape I’m in these days.

Wearing Marta Ferri  

Christian De Sica femulates in yet another film, Amici Come Prima, a 2018 Italian comedy.
You can view the film’s trailer on YouTube.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Boston Proper

Lino Banfi and Christian De Sica femulating in Belli Freschi, a 1987 Italian remake of Some Like It Hot. Thank you, Sara, for the information about this film, which you can view in its entirety on YouTube.
By the way, I loved the polka dot dress that Christian wore in this film.

Men are from Mars, but they can wear Venus

By Jeanine Williams

I was prompted to write this Femulate entry when I saw the lovely Carollyn Olson’s photo wearing the “Lace Detail Sweater Dress” from Venus that I also own and am pictured wearing here as well. 

I emailed Stana a few weeks ago after noticing that she featured several Venus items in the Femulate. I told her that I had mixed results with Venus sizing, so she encouraged me to write about it, but mentioned that she was happy with her selections.

I purchased this dress because I love sweater dresses, love the color and felt it was eye-catching, elegant and very feminine. Nevertheless I returned my XL for a 1X because it was too tight in the bust and underarms even though I was already swimming in it below the bodice. My wife, a professional seamstress, told me she can always take something in, so ordering a larger size is better in the long run. She’s altered several things for me, so I count myself lucky to have a spouse who not only approves of and assists me in my femulating endeavors!

Lots and lots of room in the 1X, which she took it in, but there was still way too much fabric to provide the silhouette I was trying to achieve, that the lovely Venus model accomplishes so nicely. That’s the reason for the belt. I didn’t have a briefer or bra that has detachable straps to allow me to use the clear ones I bought for this dress, so please try to overlook that.

The back of the dress is bunched and folded and held in place by the belt, so it does make for a nice look that way and I may still wear it with the belt after the second round of alterations. It is comfortable to wear, although the lace can be a bit scratchy. I would not consider it a quality garment, even though it has the appearance of one. It’s sized from XS to 3X, so Venus accommodates those of us like to wear the nice-looking skirts and dresses that usually stop at size 14 with other retailers.

If I had to change something about this dress it would be to lower or reduce the fabric at the neckline a little. I’ll discuss that a bit more with my comments on the “Glitter Bodycon Dress” that I’m also writing about, but it’s generally appealing as is and I like the hem of my skirts and dresses a few inches above my knees. I hope to wear it out and about in the future, but the verdict isn’t in yet.

My next review is the Glitter Bodycon Dress, which I had better luck with. It’s an XL and fits much better as it’s just a little bit too big for me below the waist.  In the photo, I’m using my left hand to sweep the extra inch or two behind me so that I can get that bodycon silhouette – so that’s on the list for an alteration.

I don’t like the higher neckline though and want to see if my wife can reduce or eliminate it and just leave the mesh insert. The other minor issue for me is that the dress gathers at the hem between the legs, which I’d prefer it didn’t, but it’s been designed that way and is part of the look. I’ll get used to that.  It’s a New Year's Eve or party dress, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be attending either this year.

My personal preference is a V or scoop neckline because it gives more area for the viewer to cast their gaze upon and takes away from emphasizing my face. I like to include my neck and a few inches below that in my appearance – it seems to round out my total look and tends to center the gaze of others on a larger area rather than concentrate on just my facial features. I think it also expresses confidence by showing a bit more of yourself, but then again I’m fortunate as I have a small Adam’s apple, so I don’t need to worry about that.

I think Venus is likely aware of the crossdressing community, based on some of their offerings. Although they don’t seem to market to us directly, I suspect we’re part of their target audience because of the extra large sizes, the ruched styling, the high necklines to hide the Apple of Adam and certainly, the hip and sultry look of their designs. If any of you know about their company policies please, do tell.

It occurred to me as I wrap this up that it would be wonderful and a service to Femulate readers for other women readers, as Stana does from time to time, to describe your purchase experiences and insights – what’s your favorite outfit, did it fit, was it sized right, was it worth the price, how does it make you look and feel and would you buy another item from the company? 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jeanine

Wearing Metrostyle

Gabriel Sanches femulating in the 2017-2018 Brazilian television series Pega Pega (The Big Catch)