Longevity

By Stephanie Julianna

Hello to all of Stana's readers. My name is Stephanie Julianna and like many of you, I have been an avid reader of this site for years. I have had the honor of having two stories of my adventures in crossdressing posted here. One story is about a Halloween back in the 90's when I worked my entire shift in feminine mode as an RN and one, more recently about being out and about in NYC back in the 80's.

Today I am submitting my inaugural article as a regular contributor with Stana's blessing. To get started, I will give a very short autobiography that will explain my credentials for being a member of this incredible community.

My name is Stephanie Julianna and I have been dressing since 1956 when I was left alone at home for the first time without one of my sisters babysitting me. I was seven years old. That was the first time that I rifled through my sisters' clothes and tried on their petticoats and dresses.

I never questioned why I had this incredible urge to dress like my sisters simply because I had never known a conscious moment to date that I did not love their clothes. But I also was very aware that I was singular in my desires among my other little boy friends. This began decades of secrecy and self-loathing for a host of reasons that I will talk about in future posts.

My life has been an incredible journey of love, rejection, self-loathing and eventually self-love and all that baggage that came with my love of the feminine during decades when it was not accepted and even spoken of as an aberration and sickness. My hope is by telling my story now and in future posts, that I will help many of us here that still struggle with their desire to present as female.

These are wonderful times compared to the decades I grew up in. Society has become so much more accepting as a whole to our community. However, many families and communities still believe that there is something “sick” or “wrong” with anyone that enjoys our lifestyle. They just do not realize that there was never a real choice. Just like genetic girls (GG's), we were born with this part of us baked into our DNA. So, like I wrote earlier, I have never known a day being any other way.

The pictures here are photographic evidence that support my claim of my longevity. The one with the black taffeta dress is my earliest surviving photo taken in 1980 in Provincetown, Cape Cod at a Lee Brewster Columbus Day weekend event. The one in the floral dress was taken this July at a friends house. To save you all from doing mind-numbing math, I was 31 in the early picture and I am now 71 years young in the latest one.

I look forward to telling my stories in the future with the hope of guiding, educating and even entertaining you. If my effort also helps some of you realize that what you have is actually a gift and is a part of what makes you the wonderful person that you are, that would warm this retired nurse's heart. Once a nurse, always a nurse.

Wearing Yumi Kim

Femulating in a music video done to the tune of  Lady Gaga’s “Boys, Boys, Boys/Fashion.”
You can view the video on YouTube.

Lashed At Last

Don’t know if it’s old age, change of diet, the environment or the wrath of Goddess, but my eyelashes are not as thick as they used to be.

I started using an eyelash primer to improve the situation. It helped somewhat, but it was not the be-all and end-all cure.

I considered false eyelashes, but in the past, I found them difficult to apply and I was forever losing a strip of eyelashes at the most inopportune time. But I did not have too many options, so I decided to try false eyelashes again.

Shopping on Amazon, I found what seemed to be a good deal: 50 pairs of eyelashes in five styles for only $12. And it included a pair of stainless steel eyelash tweezers.

I ordered the lashes along with \eyelash adhesive and they arrived just in time for my next en femme Zoom meeting.

For starters, I did not have to trim the lashes to fit my eyes because my big head comes with proportionately big eyes.

I used the included eyelash tweezers to hold the lashes while I applied the adhesive. After allowing the adhesive to dry for 30 seconds, I used the tweezers to place the lashes at the center of my lash line and with a finger, I lightly pressed the lashes along the width of my lash line. After the adhesive dried, I applied mascara and had the thick eyelashes of my youth!

I was very happy with my purchase. The lashes are quality items and using the included tweezers made it much easier placing the lashes on my lash line. And the lashes stayed in place all day long.

Wearing Bebe

A boy is femulated by his mother in this 1980’s video for The Who’s classic I’m a Boy.
You can view the video on YouTube.

I Stopped Pretending to be a Woman

Over the years, many genetic woman have complimented me on my taste in clothing, how well I put outfits together, do my makeup, my hair, my nails, etc. I am definitely not a dude in a dress, a guy in a gown, nor a fellow in a frock. Despite my size, I often pass as an attractive statuesque woman. And I am very proud of that achievement.

From years of experience, I have learned that my natural speech and mannerisms are such that when I am in male mode, strangers sometimes take me for a feminine gay man. As a result, my natural speech and mannerisms suit me well when I am en femme.

I bought books and tapes to learn how to speak as a woman, followed the advice they offered, practiced, practiced, and practiced some more. Eventually I achieved a very feminine voice, but whenever I used that voice in public, I felt that voice was not the real me. So I abandoned the fake voice and used my normal voice.

While attending Fantasia Fair in Provincetown a few years ago, I was chatting with two trans-women I had just met that day. We were discussing passing techniques and during our discussion, I mentioned how I always worried that my voice would give me away. They replied that my voice was perfect. And then they added that when they first saw me, they thought I was the genetic female spouse of some other attendee!

Being able to pass among your peers is perhaps the ultimate achievement. (If you can pass at Fantasia Fair, you can pass anywhere.) So passing is something I no longer worry about. If I pass and strangers think I am a woman, so be it. If I don't pass and strangers think I am a man dressed as a woman, that is OK, too; I won't deny it.

I stopped pretending that I am a woman because I don't have to pretend. I am a woman in many ways, probably in more ways than I know.

Unlike the classic transsexual model, I never felt I was a woman trapped in a man's body. Instead, I passed through the world in such a feminine manner that the woman in me never felt trapped. Instead, she was out there whether she was en homme or en femme.

And during those times when she was out there en femme, she blossomed and became whole. That explains why I so enjoy being en femme because then I am whole.

Wearing Nine West sandals.
I don’t like headless model fashion photos, but I love the outfit that this model is wearing,
not to mention that she is using the same computer that I am using to write this post!

Steve Buscemi (center) femulating in the 1994 film Somebody to Love.

Fantasia Fair First-Timer

Bandy was the resident canine at The Chicago House B&B 
in Provincetown, where I stayed while attending Fantasia Fair. 
She spent a lot of time resting on a couch in the B&B’s 
common area. Whenever I saw her, I would visit with her for 
a few minutes and rub the back of her ears – we became fast 
friends. While I was posing for photos before going out on Friday
evening, Bandy was off the couch for the first time in my memory 
and walked over to me. She wanted me to rub her ears and I 
happily complied while Melissa photographed the event.

After attending Fantasia Fair for the first time, the folks running the event sent attendees a questionnaire asking about our experiences attending the Fair. The questions and my answers appear below.

Attending Fantasia Fair was a great experience – so much so that I attended three more times and wrote a book about it. I intended to attend this year, but the Fair was cancelled because of the Trump Virus. So I will have to wait ’til next year to attend again.

On to the questionnaire...

What did you expect going to Fantasia Fair and how did it work out for you? 

Before going to Fantasia Fair, I read everything I could get my hands on about the event, so my expectations were that Provincetown was a very diverse and trans-friendly locale and that I would have the run of the town without having any worries. In general, my expectations were fulfilled, although I did feel nervous walking along around town late at night.

Anything funny happen?

Thursday evening, we were on our own for dinner, so a bunch of us went to the Lobster Pot to dine. As we entered the dining room, a civilian woman noticed us, so she alerted all the people at her table about our presence and they began craning their necks to get a good look. Five days in, I was sick and tired of tourists gawking at trans-ladies, so I waved at the table of gawkers using my girliest limp-wristed wave. Their mouths went agape and they quickly stuck their heads back in their menus.

Was Fantasia Fair special for you and why? Or why not? 

Fantasia Fair was special to me because it gave me the opportunity to experience being en femme for an extended period of time (seven days).

What presentation or talk was most meaningful and why?

Sandra Cole's group meeting for girls attending without their SO’s (significant others) was worth the price of admission. My SO was not very supportive about me attending Fantasia Fair and without her approval, it made me feel guilty (as do other things I do en femme). In a nutshell, Sandra made me realize that despite my wife’s lack of support, I must be true to myself and do things en femme occasionally.

For 1st timers... what did you learn that was important to you? 

Having attended a few long weekend trans-events in the past, I looked forward to the opportunity to be en femme 24/7 for seven days instead of three days. After seven days en femme, I reached a new level. I stopped thinking about the fact that I was en femme and began living like a woman. All the techniques I used to be en femme became second nature; I did not have to think about using those techniques because they were now natural. I believe that during Fantasia Fair, I came as close to being a natural woman as I could be and I hope that that second nature will stick with me forever.

What did you like about PTown?

Provincetown is very picturesque and most of the civilians I encountered were trans-friendly (or so clueless that they did not realize I was en femme). Most of the restaurants were excellent and during my 7-day stay, I think I had only one meal that was disappointing.

and not like about PTown?

Gawking tourists, cobblestone sidewalks and businesses that were closed for the season or open for limited hours.

Would you attend again?

Absolutely (budget-depending).

Is there anything you might change or add?

I would replace the cobblestone sidewalks with shag carpeting.

Wearing Venus

Stephen Riddle femulating in the British film Adventures of A Taxi Driver.
You can view the film on YouTube – the femulation begins at the 1:04:30 mark.

Not One Iota

Going out for the first time is a very big step in the life of a femulator.

When I grew tired of the closet, I wanted to go out en femme, but I was very apprehensive. After years of practice in the closet, I thought my dress, hair and makeup were passable, but my size worried me.

I did go out en femme to Halloween parties about a half dozen times and those experiences should have given me confidence about my femulating abilities. In each case, I dressed in “office girl drag” and strangers at those parties asked about me – they wanted to know, “Who is the woman not in costume?” Yet, I still shrank away from going out en femme because I thought my size would expose me as a faux female.

After about 20 years of femulating in the closet and out on Halloween, I joined a support group (Connecticut Outreach Society) that met 30 minutes away via the interstate. The group provided the option to dress at their meeting hall if desired, but I dressed at home and drove to the hall en femme. Perhaps, my Halloween experiences had emboldened me enough so that I did not fear driving en femme without the safety net of October 31.

I was a regular attendee of the support group’s meetings and eventually was on their board of directors, edited their newsletter and organized their annual banquets.

In addition to the annual banquet, about once a year, my support group had an outing – usually to a restaurant where we were ensconced in a separate dining room so as not to scare the civilians. I did not cotton much to those arrangements, but it was better than nothing and it did give me an opportunity to mix with the civilian staff of the restaurant and any civilian customers that I might encounter entering or exiting the establishment. And being a rebellious sort, I always used the civilian restroom instead of the bathroom assigned to us girls in order to mix it up with the civilians.

In retrospect, those outings don't seem like much, but they were baby steps in the right direction.

I wanted more, but I still feared that my size would out me. I attended a few trans conventions, which were typically held in high-rise hotels. In those scenarios, there was a greater chance to mix with the civilians, but in truth, the hotels were just a bigger closet than the one at home or at the hall where my support group met.

At one convention, a friend dragged me out of the hotel to shop and dine. Although I looked passable, those were deer-in-the-headlight moments. I acted like a man in a dress in fear of being found out rather than acting like a natural born woman. As a result, I was read right and left.

I retreated to the closets where I felt more comfortable and I became even more active in my support group editing their newsletter and running their annual banquet. The latter probably helped me a lot because I had to deal with civilians who ran the hotel where we held our banquets. In boy mode, I would contact the banquet person at the hotel and meet with her to arrange the event. In doing so, I was admitting to a civilian that I was trans and guess what? The world did not end and the news did not phase her one iota!

As I became more active, the need to go out increased. Finally, I had to do something, so one day, I dressed to shop – sweater tunic, leggings, booties, etc (see photo above) and drove to mall. I sat in my car for almost a half hour before I could overcome my fear and push myself out of my car and into the mall.

As an average looking, middle-aged woman, I was invisible shopping in the mall. No one paid any attention to me except for the sales people trying to sell me their wares. If any sales person figured me out, he or she did not indicate the discovery and treated me as the woman I portrayed. And guess what? The world did not end and my presence in the mall did not phase the civilians one iota.

The flood gates were now open and I began going out with great abandon. I attended a four-day workshop in Manhattan as a woman, I started doing outreach at colleges and universities as a woman,  I began attending ham radio events as a woman, I attended my law school reunion as a woman, etc. Whenever I went out, I went out as a woman.

And guess what? The world did not end and my presence in the world as a woman did not phase the civilians one iota.

Wearing Bosccolo

Jack McBrayer femulating on television's 30 Rock : A One Time Special.

Someday Funnies

Wearing New York & Company

 

Wearing vintage Dress Barn and Nine West

What Were You Made Of?

Among the books I owned as a child was a volume of nursery rhymes. That book included the following verse.

What Are Little Boys Made Of?

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails,
And puppy-dogs' tails;
That's what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice,
And all that's nice;
That's what little girls are made of.

As a child, I found frogs and snails repugnant and I was afraid of dogs. On  the other hand, I loved sugar and spice. Also, I preferred things that were nice versus things that were not so nice, which often seemed to be preferred by my male contemporaries.

I was a little girl, but I did not know it. Luckily, I figured it out after I grew up to be a big girl.

Wearing Venus

Mark Tishman femulated Glukoza on Russian television’s One to One!
You can view the femulation on YouTube.

Four More Years (Goddess, Help Us!)

Writing for Vox, Katelyn Burns surmises how four more years of the current administration would affect transgender and LGBQ people (we would likely see our rights further chipped away).

Read all about it on Vox.

Meanwhile...

GOP convention speaker thanks the impeached President for rolling back transgender rights

As reported by The American Independent, Cissie Graham Lynch, the daughter of Franklin Graham and the granddaughter of Billy Graham, praised the impeached President for undoing much of the Obama administration's work to advance LGBTQ rights while giving a speech on the second night of the 2020 Republican National Convention.

Lynch, who serves on the executive evangelical advisory board of the impeached President's faith advisory council, took aim at transgender equality in particular and engaged in fear-mongering about transgender children.

Wearing Golden Goose jacket and Intermix dress

Nathan Janak femulates Ariana Grande on television's All That.
You can view this femulation on YouTube.

A Leg Up

Unlike the laddies, ladies have many hosiery options (unless, of course, you are a laddy who dresses like a lady).

I started femulating when ladies wore stockings with seams that were suspended by garters, typically, the garters built-into the girdles they wore.

That's how I started, but shortly thereafter, my hosiery supplier (Mom) switched to a new type of hosiery: stockings without seams. Since Mom switched, I also switched to stockings without seams, which were still suspended by “my” panty girdle (“my” because my girdle was “borrowed” from Mom).

A few years later, Mom switched again – to a another new type of hosiery: pantyhose. I switched too and wore pantyhose for over 35 years.

About ten years ago, I switched to thigh-high stockings with built-in stay-up support (I prefer the Berkshire brand). In general, I am very happy with the switch. During warm weather, they are cooler than pantyhose. In all weather, they are sexier than pantyhose and when nature calls, thigh highs are a non-issue unlike pantyhose.

My only complaint with thigh highs is that sometimes there is slippage and I have to find a ladies’ room to pull them back up, although, I do admit to sneaking a surreptitious thigh-high adjustment outside the confines of the ladies' room if the coast is clear.

I am curious.

What type of hosiery do you girls wear when you are dressing up?

Leave a comment or e-mail me with your answers.

Wearing A.L.C.

Irakli femulating Alena Apina on Russian television’s One to One!
You can view the femulation on YouTube.

Lemonade

I received the following e-mail recently.

I am a life-long TV, so I feel able to comment.

My advice to nearly all those who contribute to your blog is simple:

Throw away the cameras and look long and hard in the mirror. Look at the women around you; you should blush with embarrassment. Cover your shoulders and knees and get rid of those “long luscious locks.” Very few women over 40 look good with long hair. None of you (and me) really look anything like women and that is a tragedy.

By the way, I have no photos of me. The last that were taken were 30 years ago for an article in The Times. No! It was 40 years ago – time flies.

Stop being delusional. A mirror does not lie except at a fairground.

Look at the professional femulators and actors. Even they with all the advantages – professional makeup, expensive wigs, etc., are rarely convincing and face the reality of a cruel life.

We’ve all been dealt a lousy hand!

My response: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That is especially true if you are a male-to-female transperson.

We have a lot going against us. Compared to the quintessential woman, we do not compare favorably. We are too tall, too heavy, too wide, too hairy. Our voices are too deep, our faces too masculine, and our bodies too unshapely. We are just too too.

So should we all hide in the closet because we don’t resemble the quintessential woman?

Just like my trans sisters, there are cisgender women who don’t resemble the quintessential woman. Nonetheless, we are all women and we try to make the best with what we have.

And by the way, the mirror does lie. I always look fab when I look at my femme self in the mirror; to see what I really look like, I take a selfie.

And so it goes.

Wearing Boston Proper

Kel Mitchell femulating Oprah (“Okrah”) on television’s All That