Caught

By Paula Gaikowski, Femulate Contributing Editor

Back in 1968, I was 9 years old. The style at the time amongst my third-grade classmates was mini-dresses, fishnet stockings and go-go boots. I became captivated by my female classmates and what they wore. Each day I wondered what pretty or cute outfit they would wear. So was it curiosity or envy that led me to my sister’s bedroom that morning?

To this day, I am not sure. I just remember wanting to wear dresses like the girls in school did. I also remember being jealous on days when they all went to Maywood School of Dance. I would see them afterwards going home in their tutus and leotards. I remember thinking, “Gosh, it would be fun doing ballet.” However, I knew to keep that thought to myself.

It was a Saturday, my parents were gone somewhere and my sister was out, too. There in the closet it hung, an above-the-knee brightly colored paisley dress. Just like the one the girls in my school wore. A hasty search turned up black fishnet pantyhose, panties and a slip.

I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to wear these clothes, I was so happy.

I threw off the pajamas that I had been wearing and next put on the stockings.

Thinking back, I wonder how I knew how to do that, I mean how does a 9-year-old boy know how to put on a pair of stockings? Well, not surprisingly it seemed to come very naturally.

Rummaging through her closet I found black go-go boots just like the ones Irene Barusso got for Christmas!

Wow, so this is what it feels like. Girls are so lucky!

Somewhere in the room I found a wiglet, a bun that my sister used for a wedding she was in.
The wig let led me to the vanity and then the makeup, lipstick, mascara, then eyelash curler.
I would sit and watch my sister and Mom put there makeup --- now it was my turn.

Spellbound and absorbed, it took a moment for me to hear the car in the driveway.

My sister.

Panicked, I ran down into the basement as the back door opened.

My sister, called for me and I answered, “Down here, I’m playing ping-pong.”

Who plays ping-pong alone besides a terrified 9-year-old transgender girl?

Meanwhile, in a frenzy I had stripped off all of the clothes and was rubbing off my lipstick the best I could.

I heard my sister go into the kitchen. I covertly made my way into her bedroom. In a panic I threw the dress, fishnets and panties on the floor of her closet.

I wandered into the kitchen trying my best to appear calm and innocent, “What were your doing?” she asked in a snippy tone.

I opted for the stock answer of guilt-ridden children everywhere, “Nothing.”

I ran away hoping to escape further questioning, I don’t remember much else about that day, however it remains a pivotal day in my mind. It was the first time I dressed up as a girl and it ignited something deep down inside me.

The next morning, I went to my closet to get dressed and there on the floor just as I had left them in my sister’s closet were the dress, pantyhose, panties and slip thrown in a heap on the floor of my closet.

I felt my face flush red and fear run through my body. “What now?” I thought. She knows, I’m caught what will happen to me?

I hid the clothes and later when the house was empty again I went down to my sister’s room and put everything neatly away.

She never said anything to me about that afterwards. I wonder what she thought and why she put the clothes there. Was it a way to admonish me? Or was it an olive branch of acceptance?

I’ll never know. My sister died one year ago this week.

Wearing Venus

Benjamin Koldyke emulating in the 2012 television series Work It!

Someday Funnies

Wearing Boston Proper

Amaury Nolasco femulating in the 2012 television series Work It!

I have a hunch

You may wonder why I am posting so often these days after announcing that I was reducing my blogging schedule.

The reason is that I have more free time on my hands than usual and that's because my back pain got worse and is preventing me from doing much of anything.

After receiving a clean bill of health regarding my annual physical, I complained about my back to my doctor, so he sent me for x-rays. They showed no problems, so he sent me for physical therapy.

The therapist says that my back problems are due to Kyphosis. Good news is that she believes that therapy will help me.

After two sessions of physical therapy, I feel much better. The backache is greatly reduced and I will continue going to therapy for eight more sessions to work on my Kyphosis.

Meanwhile, I am cooling my high heels until I am finished with therapy.

The outfit I ordered from JustFab arrived in the mail today and I tried it on without my usual shapewear. The skirt fits, but the sweater may be too big, so sooner or later, I need to try it on over shapewear to determine whether to return the sweater for a smaller size.

And so it goes.

Margot Robbie in the film Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood. (I saw the film last week and loved it!)

Liev Schreiber (right) in the 2009 film Taking Woodstock.

Woodstock

Fifty years ago, I convinced two friends to take a short drive with me to upstate New York to attend a rock concert. That rock concert was called "Woodstock" and the rest is history.

I took my Kodak Super 8 movie camera along for the ride and shot a roll of film. Actually, I only shot a half roll of film that weekend, but about six weeks later, I made the trip a second time and shot the rest of the roll.

After the film was developed, I cut and spliced the film to compare scenes of Woodstock during and six weeks after the event.

I recently digitized the film and uploaded it to YouTube where you can see for yourself what I saw at Yasgur's farm in 1969.

Enjoy!

Hard Work

Being a woman is hard work.

Being a man being a woman is hard work, too... maybe even harder than a woman being a woman.

Women have a head start with regards to looking like a woman. Their prep time is nothing compared to my prep time. If I was a man being a woman 24/7, my prep time would not be as bad, but it still would be worse than a real woman's prep time.

There's the hair. My prep involves removing a lot and adding not so much. And even a close shave with a new razor still finds me smearing on foundation to camouflage my face.

There's the body. How many real women have to squeeze into a girdle and long-line bra to achieve some semblance of a female body? If I want a figure that is at all feminine, I need all that equipment and then there's the matter of hiding some equipment, too.

And there is no equipment that will reduce my Amazonian 6'2" to a Venusian 5'7". Yeah, I know if I didn't wear high heels that might help, but would it? At 6'2", I am taller than 99% of the female population, so what difference will another 3 or 4 inches make (other than make me feel less gorgeous)!

Being a man being a woman is definitely hard work, but I would not give it up for anything! As Oscar Hammerstein II once wrote, "I enjoy being a girl."

Wearing Paige

Artur Chamski, Barbara Melzer and Krzysztof Szczepaniak perform "The Ketchup Song" on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo. Femulators Arthur and Krzysztof are the blonde and redhead, respectively, while Barbara is the brunette. Niesamowity!

Someday Funnies

Some Things Never Change...

Wearing Boston Proper

Harvey Korman femulating on The Carol Burnett Show.

Coming Soon

I discovered two interesting Swedish videos that I believe you will enjoy.

Wearing Venus

Femulating Flip Wilson

Searching for Mad

Search Me Dept.

About once a week, I get an e-mail suggesting that I write about a particular topic.

Having written 4600 posts, there is a chance that I have already written on that topic at least once.

For example, a reader recently informed me about the existence of Grayson Perry and that I should write about that crossdressing English artist.

Truth is that over the years, I have mentioned Grayson in over 20 posts.

How do I know?

I used the Search Femulate device below my photo in the sidebar of this blog. It is very effective and finds every mention of whatever topic I am looking for.

So if you are looking for posts on a particular topic, you can use Search Femulate, too.


Gone Mad Dept.

Mad magazine is going to stop publishing new content.

Good news is that now my collection of Mad magazines is complete!

Bad news is that I will miss Mad. It was a big influence on my life. Growing up, I probably learned more about society from Mad than any other source. Their satires and parodies were always right-on and revealed what was really going on behind the scenes.

Mad was also influential in my career as a writer. As a kid, I wrote and drew my own version of Mad called Crazy. I have been writing and drawing madly ever since. (The Dept. headings I use in this blog are a swipe directly from the pages of Mad.)

The header of my radio blog reads, "My subscription to Life expired, but I still have a subscription to Mad."

Sadly, not anymore!

Wearing Maggie Marilyn (Source: ShopBop)

Old school womanless wedding femulators

Bad News, Good News

July was the hottest month ever in this neck of the woods. It also was one of my most miserable months health-wise.

I mentioned my Fourth of July sty in an earlier post. Worse was the backache that developed about the same time. It was so bad that there was no way I could comfortably squeeze into a dress and high heels and enjoy my womanhood.

Some days were better than others, but I felt poorly for weeks. One month later, I think I am finally seeing the light and my back is almost back too normal.

There was some good news on my health front. I had my annual checkup and received a clean bill of health. Also, I lost more weight and I am down to an all-time low as an adult.

Bad news, more of my clothes are too big now as a result of the weight loss. Good news is that I had credit at JustFab and purchased the plain skirt and slouchy dolman sweater for only $7.62!

Wearing Venus

Actor Ross Martin femulating 

Outreach Memories

Doing outreach at Southern Connecticut State University

For over a dozen years, I performed outreach at various colleges and universities in Connecticut including a regular twice-a-year gig at Southern Connecticut State University for the Human Sexuality class taught by Professor Anna Schildroth. Anna left the University about the same time I retired, so I lost that outreach opportunity and have not been doing much outreach since then.

What's "outreach?"

It is an attempt to educate and enlighten non-transgender people about what it means to be transgender. Typically, we accomplish this by giving a brief autobiography and then answering questions from the students to clarify and expand upon what the students may already know or upon what we stated in our biographies.

Here are some of the more memorable questions I have answered doing outreach.

Q: Are you married?

A: Yes.

Q: ...to a woman?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you have any children?

A: I have a 30-something daughter, who is very supportive.

Q: Where do you go out when you go out as a woman?

A: The mall, restaurants, museums, shows, etc.

Q: Do you crossdress when you have sex with your wife?

A: Never

Q: Why do you have your nails done only to go out once or twice a month?

A: I wear pre-glued, stick-on nails that take about 5 minutes to apply.

Q: How did you pick your female name? (This is probably the most asked question.)

A: It is a female version of my male name.

Q: What do you do when someone stares at you or reacts negatively to you?

A: I try to disarm them with a smile.

Q: What do you do when you are at a bar and a guy hits on you?

A: I say I am not interested and point to my wedding ring.

Q: Which bathroom do you use?

A: I always use the ladies' room.

Q: Did you have a hard time learning to walk in heels?

A: No, I took to heels like a duck takes to water.
.
Q: Don't you worry that your voice gives you away when you are out in public?

A: Usually my voice is not an issue. (By the way, my voice is not deep and I am soft-spoken even in male mode. In female mode, I just crank the softness up a few notches. However, I am always working harder to improve my feminine voice.)

(I turned the question around and asked the class, "If you did not know I was a male, do you think my voice would give me away?" Three or four students answered and they said, "No.")

Q: How do you hide your genitalia

A: I wear a panty girdle or Spanx panty to keep my genitalia in check. At one time, I tried a gaff, but discovered that it was very uncomfortable and that my male parts would escape frequently and required regaffing. The panty does a much better job keeping those parts in place and is much more comfortable.

Q: Do you do hormones or have you had surgery?

A: No. (My answer often surprises the students.)

Q: The way you move your hands and gesture is very feminine. Are you doing that intentionally?

A: It is not intentional. (I noticed that I gestured while answering the question and suddenly became aware that my hand gestures were indeed feminine, which gave me pause.)

Q: Do you buy your clothes in a "big" women's store?

A: Not necessarily. I am a size 16 or 18 above the waist and a size 14 or 16 below the waist, so sometimes I find clothes that fit in the "Misses" section and sometimes in the "Women's" section.

Q: What is your sexual orientation.

A: Lesbian.

Q: What would you do if you could do it over again?

A: I would live 24/7 as a woman without hormones and surgery, but I would have electrolysis.

Q: Do you ever feel that you are really a female?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you ever think about living full-time as a woman?

A: I think about it every day.

I don't go fishing for compliments when  I do outreach, but some come my way nonetheless.

A female student loved my hairdo and thought that my wig was my real hair. A pretty student said my makeup looked "fabulous." Another commented that I should teach the females in the class how to apply makeup.

One female student thought I looked good enough to do female impersonation.

Another female student commented how good I looked for my age. Immediately, another female jumped in and said how well I was put together. After that comment, nearly all the females started talking at once, commenting about how nice I looked. I blushed with embarrassment and thanked them for their compliments.

One student commented that my outfit was "cute." That made my day until another student stopped by to say, "You are so pretty!" She was very pretty herself and I was stunned by her compliment.

My most memorable outreach experience occurred four years ago.

After the class, a female student approached me. She said that when I entered the class, she thought I was a woman, not a trans woman, but a born woman.

Thank you, I thought to myself, but then she added that besides thinking I was a born woman, I was also the most beautiful older adult woman that she had ever seen in person!

I thanked her profusely aloud as she examined my presentation up close. She thought I was about 45 years old and she was very surprised when I revealed that I was 60 a the time.

Then she told me something very personal that I will not repeat here. I thought I detected her eyes beginning to well up.

The encounter became so emotional for me that I cannot remember if I gave her hug or not. (If I didn't, I should have.)

Those few minutes with her were priceless to me and I will remember her forever.

By the way, I am available to do outreach. Contact me via e-mail at stana-stana (at-sign) sbcglobal.net

Wearing Boston Proper.

Oliver Thornton and Maulik Pancholy femulating in a 2016 stage production of The Taming of the Shrew.

Why

Marian posted her reaction to the announcement that I was ending this blog. In response, I commented why. Since I never went into those details here, I am repeating my comment now.

Thank you for the very kind words, Marian. 

You are correct: I spent a lot of time producing each blog post... two hours minimum, but more typically three or four hours! When I was working, I usually put the blog together in the morning before work and put the bow and ribbon on it during lunch. It provided a needed break from writing very technical manuals. 

Since I retired, I typically spent the morning putting together each blog post. The three and four hour chunks were more noticeable and it did not provide a needed break from anything... it became a job. And after nearly two years of retirement, I got tired of doing it, so I quit.

I was overwhelmed by the reaction to my quitting. All my regular correspondents had something to say, but what really surprised me were all the strangers who wrote to me saying how important the blog was to them. I had no idea!

So I decided to continue writing the blog on a limited basis. Once or twice a week at the most. And so it goes.

Best Wishes,

Stana

Someday Funnies

Wearing Joie

Marcie Brown, femulator and Femulate reader

Someday Funnies

Gender switched via the Snapchat smart phone app

Wearing New York & Company

21st Century Husband and Wife