Where's Billy?

Billy and I were best friends throughout grammar school. I can't remember how we became friends, but we had a lot in common and that is probably what drew us together. We were both Polish, which was a rare commodity in our neighborhood, we both went to the same church (a Polish parish, needless to say), we were both artists, which put us on the outs with the school's "in crowd," and we both were fascinated in the opposite sex. We had crushes on certain girls, but we both were also scared of them and never did anything about our crushes, at least not in grammar school.

Around puberty, maybe in the 7th or 8th grade, I remember Billy hinting that we dress as girls for Halloween. At that time, I knew something was up with me gender-wise, but I didn't know what. The idea of dressing as a girl for Halloween was very attractive, but I was also in public denial about my gender issues and told Billy that I had no interest in his Halloween costume plans.

I don't remember what I wore for a costume that Halloween, but I do recall that I went out with my usual Halloween trick and treat partner in crime, my other best friend, who lived across the street.

In school the next day, Billy mentioned that he did dress as a girl; he trick and treated at my house and was disappointed that I was not home to see him in his costume. Note that Billy never before trick and treated my house, so he made a special effort that night to show me his girl costume.

Around this same time, I remember that one of us decided that we should adopt girl names (why - I don't know) and for days, he addressed me by my girl name, which was "Susan" and I addressed him by his girl name, which I cannot recall now.

As I mentioned above, we were both artists. He was very good at painting and I was a very good at sketching. As an outlet for my budding trans psyche, I spent a lot of my free time back then sketching males wearing female clothing.  One day, Billy mentioned that he had been doing something similar and another day, he showed me some of his sketches. My reaction was to feign disinterest.

But my real reaction was fear. I was in uncharted waters; I did not know what was going on with him (or me). I had enough trouble sorting out what was going on with me without having to deal with what was going on with my best friend, so I basically ignored him and I think that was the beginning of the end of a beautiful friendship. We hung out less during our last days in grammar school and ended up going to different high schools. After a few years, we were both out of each others' lives.

I think Billy was reaching out to me. He probably was just as confused as I was and maybe he thought we would be better able to work things out as a team rather than solo. If that was the case, he was probably correct and I very much regret not reaching out to him and trying to work out together what the heck was going on. And so it goes.

Over the years, I learned through a mutual friend that Billy got married and lives two towns away, but our mutual friend said nothing about anything trans and I certainly did not ask.

But I often think about Billy and wonder if he really was trans (or was it just my 'magination) and if he ever did anything about it. I often hoped that one day he would show up at my support group and we could become best friends again except that this time we would be girlfriends.

(This post originally appeared in September 2008.) 

Wearing Joie (Source: Joie)

Movie poster for the 1967 double feature She Man and Queens At Heart.

Do you remember the first time?

By Starla Renee Trimm

Do you remember the first time you crossdressed? The first time you furtively slipped on some nylons or a dress or a bra or heels?

Oddly enough, I don't.

I feel like I must be the odd gurl out on this. Countless others over the years have described that first time to me. But I think and think and rummage through the cobwebbed corners of my brain and I got nothin'.

I grew up in New Jersey and my family moved to Florida in 1970 when I was 12. And honestly, I cannot recall a single instance of crossdressing before we made the move.

Thought about it, sure. Browsed the Sears catalog looking at the pictures of smartly-attired lady models and wondered what it was like to dress like that, certainly. Watched stylish actresses on TV and fantasized about wearing that dress or having that hairdo, yes… and often.

But I cannot recall ever actually putting on an article of female clothing until we moved to the Sunshine State. Even then, the memory banks are murky. I know that by the time we had been there for several months, I was regularly "borrowing" my mother's things. (And ashamed to admit, shoplifting wigs to wear – a nasty habit that I regret with shame to this day, yet I am also quite glad I was never caught.)

But I have no recollection of when, why and how I first slipped on her nightie or tried on her bras. Not any memory of anything that might have triggered the shift from fantasizing to femulating. Was it something I read or saw on TV? Or maybe just the fact that I was now old enough to be trusted to spend a few hours home alone giving me a relatively safe window to experiment? I have no idea.

The mind can play tricks on us in regards to memories. Things can be erased from conscious memory due to trauma and false memories can seem very real.

An example of the latter that has nothing to do with crossdressing. I still harbor a vivid memory of reading a magazine article about the Kent State shootings while laying on my bed at my grandparents' cottage in Vermont where I spent my summers growing up. But we never returned to Vermont after the move to Florida in the Spring of 1970 and the Kent State tragedy occurred in May of that year. In fact, 1969 was the last summer we spent in Vermont. Yet I have the strong, legitimate memory of watching the first moon landing that July on my grandmother's ancient DuMont black-and-white television complete with the dead fly permanently stuck between the picture tube and its protective cover.

So, it is impossible for me to have been reading about Kent State in Vermont. As much as my intellect accepts that reality, the false memory persists to this day.

As for trauma and lost memories, maybe I did crossdress in New Jersey and was caught. And the experience was traumatic enough for my brain to hit the erase button.

I don't think so. Because I do remember the first time I was caught in Florida and it was very traumatic. But I still have the memory.

So anyway, how about you? Do you remember your first time? Or are your early memories of femulating lost to the ages like a wiped videotape? Are there more of the former or latter among us?

I'll let y'all figure it out. Right now, thinking about all this, my head hurts.

Wearing Trina Turk (Source: Rent the Runway)

Jannik Schümann femulated in the 2015 German film Mein Sohn Helen (My Son Helen).

Kids

I don't know if you noticed, but femulators are getting younger and younger!

High schools used to be the site of womanless beauty pageants for the under-20 crowd. Over time, middle schools joined the competition and now we are seeing grammar school boys donning dresses, heels, wigs and makeup to see who is the prettiest gurl in the first grade!

Then there is the latest craze: pre-teen drag queens who are emulating RuPaul instead of Roy Rogers.

(Yes, I am so jealous of today's youthful gender benders. If I had the opportunities during my youth that young gurls have today, I am sure I would legally be a Miss today.)

Anyway, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that I often feature femulations from the international Your Face Sounds Familiar television franchise in the Femulator slot below. Well I recently discovered that in the Philippines, there is a Kids spin-off of Your Face Sounds Familiar and yes, you guessed it, the kids are femulating, too!

A singing trio, the TNT Boys (Keifer Sanchez, Mackie Empuerto and Francis Concepcion), have femulated on the Kids spin-off a few times and they are very good. But they absolutely blew me away with their femulation of my favorite girl group The Supremes.

Now I am really jealous!

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Jimmy Fay (center) femulates a Shirley Temple wannabe in the 1934 film Million Dollar Baby. (Thanks to Chrissy for the heads-up about this film femulation.)

Fire Sale

My mother-in-law used to say it looked like my wife went to a "fire sale" when she would purchase the same exact item of clothing in a variety of colors.

I am guilty of the same thing. When I find something that is just right, I will purchase more of the same figuring that the item may not be available in the future. That's how I ended up with four pairs of the same high heel pumps, two in black and two in nude. Or the same sets of bras and girdles, one pair in white and the other in black.

Previously, I mentioned the pencil skirt I bought at Macy's last month. I did not mention that it is figure-hugging and one of the few skirts I own that shows off my derreire.

I have no rear end! My wife has commented more than once about my flat dupa. But somehow, this pencil skirt manages to adjust what little I have to give me a shapely butt. I assume it is the result of the tightness of the skirt and the stretchiness of the skirt's scuba fabric.

I bought the skirt in a beautiful shade of blue (called "Lazulite") and regretted not buying it in other colors, too.

Last week, I noticed a pop-up ad from Macy's showing the skirt on sale. And if I bought two, shipping was free, so I sashayed as quick as a Playboy bunny to the Macy's website and ordered one in black and one in red.

I am my mother-in-law's daughter-in-law!

Wearing New York & Company (Source: New York & Company)

During a fundraiser for Alzheimer's research, Kennesaw, Georgia, Mayor Derek Easterling performed as Christina Aguilera and was highly criticized by the local transphobes and haters. (Thanks to Peggy Sue for the heads-up about this story.)

Someday Funnies

Wearing Veronica Beard (Source: ShopStyle)

This is not a femulator. This is a male modeling the latest in men's fashions from Spanish designer Palomo. 

Happy Aphelion Day!

A nurse femulation, circa 1920

Tuesday, I went to the doctor for a physical ― my first in the 21st Century.

This was a brand new doctor for me. My old GP moved years ago (probably in the 20th Century) and his office is now nearly an hour away, so I have been looking for a new GP.

When I had my first bout with poison ivy in May, I went to the local urgent care center and while I was there, I asked if there were any GP's in that medical building (which is a very convenient 10 minutes from my home). They gave me a list and when I returned home, I researched the list and chose one as my new GP.

I think I made a good choice. He is young, personable and seems to know his stuff. Instead of giving me a physical, he wanted me to get blood work and then come back for the physical after he gets the results, which makes sense to me. (I got the blood work done Thursday morning.)

They did check my vitals and took a urine sample. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health regarding my vitals and urinalysis, so so far, so good.

Since colon cancer runs in my family, he referred me for a colonoscopy (my third ― I hate the prep, but don't mind the test) and he also referred me to a vein center to deal with the varicose veins in my left leg.

I had varicose veins in that leg surgically removed over 25 years ago, but they returned about ten years ago. Now, instead of surgery, they stick a needle in my leg and insert some drug that dissolves the veins, so I will not have to go to the hospital as I did 25 years ago.

And so it goes.

Wearing BooHoo (Source: BooHoo)

Patrick Timsit (right) femulates in the 1995 French film Pédale douce.

Thor's Day

Dental Role Reversal Dept.

My first dentist from about age 5 to age 30 (circa 1956 to 1981) was a my father's boyhood friend.

His wife was the receptionist in his office.

When he retired, I searched for a new dentist and started going to a fellow my mother recommended. He eventually retired too (three years ago) selling his business to a woman fresh out of dental school and I began going to her.

Her husband is the receptionist in her office. (No, he does not wear a skirt.)

Tighten Up Dept.

Here is a tip from Dressing a Male as a Female:

Form-fitting clothing looks better than you think. It may look and feel a little awkward at first, but deciding to wear form-fitting clothing instead of baggy, relaxed styles is definitely the way to go. It creates the natural outline of a woman's body easier, and helps you create the full illusion. Whether it be dresses, skirts, pants or tops, clothing cut close to the body works best.

Shaken, Not Stirred Dept.

Best Bond Bond: Sean Connery

Best Bond Flick: From Russia With Love

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

David Michaels femulating in the 1998 film Rough Draft.

SaveSave
SaveSave

Happy Independence Day!

The Fourth of July is just a reference to a calendar date. No matter how much they try to brainwash us with "Fourth of July," remember it is really Independence Day, the day that the colonists thumbed their noses at the British and said we will do it our way, not your way.

Independence Day was the precursor of our Constitution and the Bill of Rights that some of our current leaders and fellow citizens are trying to amend to better fit their idea of what this nation should be: a nation under their “god.”

Well, their god is not my god. Their god does not have compassion for anyone that does not follow what they consider to be their self-defined "norms." There is no room for transpeople, as well as the other segments of GLBT in the nation under their god.

Our forefathers separated from Britain to get away from people like these so-called theists and it is time we reclaim the real meaning of Independence Day here before it is just a fond memory.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Femulator Shaun Mitchell and girlfriend Mel Wood in 2013. I wonder if they are still a couple today.

Cheeky Monday

Mark Your Calendar Dept.

A Reminder: Independence Day falls on the 4th this year!

Passing Interest Dept.

For Many Trans People, Not Passing Is Not an Option is an interesting article in Slate's GLBT Passing series. 

Cary Grant Never Said "Judy, Judy, Judy" Dept.

The three "Judy" songs on my iPod that I know by heart: Judy In Disguise (With Glasses) by John Fred and His Playboy Band, Judy's Turn To Cry by Lesley Gore and Suite: Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

Thanks To You Dept.

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to my Coffee Break fund. Your generous contributions help defray the costs of operating the blog and also motivates me to keep on blogging! Thank-you!

Wearing Intermix dress, Alexandre Birman sandals and Simon Miller bag (Source: Intermix)

A Femulate Favorite: the lovely British artist Grayson Perry

Someday Funnies

Wearing New York & Company (Source: New York & Company)

The femulating Le Cagelles of La Cage Aux Folles

Friday is for Femulating!

I See Nothing, I Know Nothing Dept.

Victoria kindly sent me this link at The Pegasus Archive, which contains hundreds of POW images in its Photo Gallery. The Gallery is arranged by country, camps and topic. Search the "Theatre" topic for possible femulations (like the one in today's "Femulator" slot below).

Glamulate Dept.

This week's glamulator is Alana, who recently underwent a glam makeover using the online app "Your Face on a Glamorous Magazine Cover In Seconds!"

What's Up Doc Dept.

I am going to a new (to me) doctor for a physical examination next week. If he sees the shaved parts of my body that males don't normally shave and asks why, should I admit I am trans or should I lie like a president?

Wearing a skirt or dress is not always a safe option for a crossdresser, but wearing manly garb like a pair of pants should not cause much concern. And if someone complains, just hit them with your purse. (Source: Pinterest)

A womanless wedding at Stalag XXIA (Copyright Michael Turnbull)