We Are Caitlyn

By Paula Gaikowski

Being transgender in the 60’s, 70’s, 80s and 90’s, information was a scarcity. I’d devour any bit I could find. In the 60’s, I’d scour the tabloids in the back of Maybrook Sweetshop for scandalous stories. In the 80’s, I’d tune into Sally Jesse or Donahue to listen to crossdressers and transsexuals tell their story.

Once in the 80’s, I sat furtively in the library reading Jan Morris’s biography Conundrum afraid to take it out for fear that “they” might know. In the back of that book, I remember finding a folded note; on it were four words “You are not alone.” A wave of emotions rolled over me. Someone else shared my problem and understood.

Then came the Internet and a community of like-minded persons who educated, supported and comforted each other.

Daily I read Femulate and other transgender sites. I am always eager to learn more about the transgender experience.

So then came Caitlyn Jenner. If she had rolled onto the headlines in the 1980’s, I would have bought her book and read it secretly in the parking lot at work. However, there was the Vanity Fair cover, her book and her television show and I stood there like a scared middle schooler at her first dance frozen.

Caitlyn Jenner is a controversial figure in our community, however, that wasn’t what was keeping me from picking up her book.

I was baffled myself.

I’ve now read her book and now I know why.

Every time I saw her picture and every time I heard a joke or transphobic comment, it judged and criticized me. She was the same age and had lived through the same struggle; she could have been the one who wrote that note. So when people mocked or insulted her they insulted and mocked me.

Reading her book was like a reading about myself, sisters’ clothes, over-compensating, denial, hidden makeup and clothes, sneaking out dressed, etc.

I hope to get some time after the holidays to review her book and share my thoughts with my sisters here at Femulate.

There’s a lot to think about.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Finalists in the Queen of Dhwayah transgender beauty contest in Kochi, India.

Better than a BB Gun

Wearing Parker dress, Wolford tights, Lulu Frost earrings, Serpui Marie clutch and Aquazzura pumps (Source: ShopBop).

Daniel Bilic femulates on the Croatian version of television's Your Face Sounds Familiar.

Christmas Time Is Here Again!

Wishing To Be A Girl

When I replied to Paula's comment regarding yesterday's image of a young boy telling Santa, "I wish I was a girl," it occurred to me that I do not recall ever wishing I was a girl. I just wanted to do the things that girls did, for example, act like a girl, play like a girl, dress like a girl, etc.

Acting like a girl was easy because I did not have to act. I acted like a girl naturally. And the bullies could not convince me to act otherwise.

Playing like a girl was easy too because I had a sister who was happy to have a playmate for girl play.

Dressing like a girl came later, but once I found the courage to dress like a girl, I was all in.

So I did not wish to be a girl because I was already living as a girl. Yes, I was a boy, but I did not let that stop me from being the best girl I could be.

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Boys can be Santa's helpers, too!

SaveSave

Been There, Done That

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Gloria's 1962 Christmas card photographed at Casa Susanna

Girl's Day Out

Tuesday, this girl went out for the day.

After I did my face and my hair and slipped into my undies, I had second thoughts about the outfit I had put together on Monday and began formulating Plan B.

Hanging in my closet was a hunter green lace dress that I wore to my support group's Christmas party about 25 years ago. It was dressy, not over the top and very suitable for an office Christmas luncheon. I slipped it on and discovered that the lining was falling apart (strike one), the zipper was not working properly (strike two) and it looked like an old dress (strike three). I literally threw it away and went back to Plan A.

After I put on "the outfit," I realized it would have been a mistake if I had not worn it. It made me feel like a million bucks and a few years younger.

The weather was unseasonably warm (in the low 50's), so I was able to wear my blue trench coat instead of a heavy winter coat. Perfect because the trench coat grazed my knees. Although I was very comfortable wearing "the outfit" to the luncheon, I was less comfortable wearing it around the mall and my trench coat would hide "the outfit" while I went shopping before the luncheon.

First stop was the nail salon in the Waterbury mall to buy a gift certificate for my daughter. In the past, I avoided that mall, as well as all the other stores in Waterbury because I spent the first half of my life in Waterbury and I did not want to run into anyone I knew from my male life.

I realize that even if I did run into an acquaintance, they probably would not recognize me, but they might recognize my wheels. My license plate displays my ham radio callsign, so anyone who knows my call (most of my family and friends) might wonder who was the blond driving my car.

But I don't give a damn anymore. If I ran into an old friend or acquaintance, I would say "Hello" rather than run away. Then I  could cross another person off my Coming Out To Do List.

So I went to the mall, found the nail salon, purchased a gift certificate and no one batted an eye. And I did not run into an old friend or acquaintance.

I did not browse the mall because time was of the essence and I had two more stops to make before going to the luncheon.

I drove to Big Lots in Wallingford (the city where I was formerly employed and where the luncheon was being held) to purchase CD/DVD jewel cases. Big Lots has the best price for jewel cases (25 for $5) and since the store was on the way to the luncheon, I stopped by to stock up.

I picked up two packages of jewel cases and went to the cashier to pay up. The cashier was a 20-something fellow and I think he was flustered by my presence. Instead of spouting out the usual, "Were you able to find everything you wanted?," he said something that I did not understand, so I asked, "What did you say?"

He replied, "I meant to say 'Were you able to find everything you wanted?'"

I don't know if he was flustered because I was a crossdresser or a ravishing beauty or a ravishing crossdresser. Whatever... I was amused as he settled down and handled the rest of the transaction in a professional and pleasant manner.

I have my car serviced at the dealer where I bought it in Wallingford. Whenever I have my car serviced, the dealer always gives me a coupon for a free car wash.  So after Big Lots, I went to the car wash to use a coupon.

There is only a brief encounter with a human being (to turn in the coupon), so I did not expect any issues and there were none, although the human being I dealt with is the same guy who I have encountered during past car cleansing. Evidently, he did not recognize me, my car or my license plate.

It was now high noon. I was five minutes away from the luncheon location, so I would be fashionably late.

I arrived at the banquet hall, parked my car and as I walked to the entrance, I encountered J, who was also on her way into the hall. I confessed to her that I was nervous and she said I had nothing to be nervous about, but that did not comfort me much.

I entered the hall and almost every seat was full and the contents of every full seat looked up as I removed my trench coat and revealed "the outfit." There was a definite buzz in the air. R, the fellow who organized the luncheon greeted me and pointed out the empty seats that were available. I was always on very good terms with R, so I took the empty seat next to him at his table.

I was the only woman at that table, but I had worked with all the guys at the table for years. In fact, I worked with one fellow at two previous places of employment, so we have known each other for over 30 years. The other fellows were always supportive when I dressed en femme at work for Halloween, so I felt comfortable with the group. As I settled in, one of guys offered to buy me a drink ("A glass of pineau, please"). That never happened when I attended past Christmas luncheons en homme!

One hyphenated word described the luncheon: anti-climatic.

It was as if I showed up in boy mode. Except for J, who said she loved my skirt, no one mentioned "the outfit" or the fact that I was presenting as a woman. Everyone called me "Stan" and socialized with me as they always had in the past.

I was seated at the first table in the room, so everyone had to pass by me to get to the bar and the food. About half the attendees greeted me in one way or another — waving, shaking my hand, giving me a hug, asking me how I like retirement, etc. Folks I have known for a long time stopped by and spent a longer time conversing with me.

A few co-workers confirmed my suspicion that they suspected I was transgender, so it is likely that most of my co-workers shared the same thought. I guess being transgender did not make a difference.

What a great bunch of people I worked with!

Wearing Metisu (Source: Metisu)

Jeffrey Donovan femulates in the 1997 film Catherine's Grove.

Outfitted

I attended my former employer's Christmas luncheon on Tuesday and the photo above shows what I wore: Avon top, skirt, scarf and jewelry, Hue tights and Payless shoes. It is late and I don't have the energy to recount my day out now, but I promise to tell all in tomorrow's post.

(Source: Harper's Bazaar)

Sonne Teal femulates in the 1962 French film La Poupée.

Outfitting

Today, I am attending my former employer’s Christmas luncheon and I will attend en femme. (You can read last week's posts to see how I came to that decision.)

My five consecutive Halloween appearances dressed as a business woman probably made some of my co-workers wonder about my gender and even my sexuality. I did come out as transgender to HR, my manager, supervisor and a few close friends. I know for a fact that at least one co-worker assumed I was transgender and she was probably not alone. If anyone asked, I would have been honest with them, but no one ever asked, so I did not volunteer anything.

By the way, a couple of people expected me to show up en femme for my retirement luncheon and/or my last day at work. I thought about it, but chose not to. (Don’t know if I mentioned this before, but at my retirement luncheon, there was a poster containing photos of me at work during various times over my 20-years of employment. Included was a photo of me en femme at work.)

What to wear?

I was planning to wear an outfit a notch up from business woman drag. I had a couple of recent Dress Barn and Macy's purchases in mind. Then I read a few articles about what to wear to an office Christmas luncheon (as opposed to an evening office Christmas party). The outfits I planned to wear were a little conservative in comparison to what the articles suggested.

Monday morning, I looked through my closet trying to find something suitable to wear today when I came upon a gold pleated skirt that I bought on closeout from Avon years ago. I never wore it because it did not look good on me, but now that I lost weight, I wondered if it would look better. So I stripped down to my panties, paired the skirt with a black gold-bejeweled top, modeled my outfit in front of a mirror, liked what I saw and decided that is what I will wear along with black opaque tights, black patent Mary Janes with a chunky heel, black designer bag, gold scarf and gold jewelry.

The outfit is probably a little over-the-top for a Christmas luncheon, but this is my swan song, so I might as well go out with a bang.

Veronica Beard dress, Lizzie Fortunato earrings and Edie Parker clutch (Source: ShopBop)

Timur Rodriguez femulates Diana Ross on the Russian television version of Your Face Sounds Familiar.

Thoughts on My Girl's Night Out

In my problematical booties

There is not much to add to what I wrote in the previous post about my Friday night out with the girls from my office.

The night was uneventful and that's in a good way. No one gave me any trouble. I was invisible, although I did notice a forty-something male a few tables away checking me out, but nothing came of it either good or bad.

We talked a lot... about work, our kids, our spouses and my retirement. The only time the subject of gender came up was when I asked J if she knew I was trans. If I had not broached the subject, it probably would not have come up because these three women accepted me as another woman and treated me as another woman. And it was wonderful.

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Mark Tishman femulates on the Russian television version of Your Face Sounds Familiar.

Girls' Night Out

Friday evening, I had dinner with three women I used to work with: my former manager and supervisor and J, the executive assistant who invited me to the company Christmas party and responded to my RSVP with "Awesome, Sandy."

I don't have to tell you who was wearing a dress and who was wearing pants. In fact, I was the only person in the restaurant wearing a dress!

Although my friends were dressed more sensibly for the weather (snow flurries with temperatures in the low 20's), they gushed over my appearance. J said I looked "amazing."

I had to know about J's Sandy reference, so I asked her if she knew I was trans. She replied matter-of-factly, "Of course!"

My follow-up question was if Stan or Stana was invited to the company Christmas party? She said I could attend in whatever way I felt most comfortable.

So that settles that!

Speaking of comfort, I intended to wear my new white booties. I slipped them on, but after 15 minutes, my right foot's big toe was in pain. I took the bootie off to investigate and I thought that the seam of my thigh highs was the cause. I adjusted the seam so it was not under my big toe, put the bootie back on, but the pain persisted.

The bootie came off and on again a few times to readjust the hosiery, but I could not solve the source of the pain. By the way, my left foot's big toe was a happy camper in her bootie.

I did not have any toe cushions to try to relieve the pain, so I gave up and switched to the Christian Siriano high heel pumps you see me wearing in the accompanying photo. They are beautiful shoes, but I had not had an occasion to wear them out yet and after my big toe issue, I was a little concerned about the shoe's 4.5-inch heel.

Turned out that they were very comfortable and the very high heel was not an issue. I wore them all night long and did not switch to flats for the drive home. (By the way, people are amazed that I can drive a manual transmission vehicle while wearing high heels!)

(To be continued.)

Wearing Parker dress, Wolford tights, Lulu Frost earrings and Serpui Marie clutch (Source: ShopBop)

Boys and girls crossdressed at a Christmas party, circa 1935.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Sebastian Muntean femulates Corina Chiriac on Romanian television's Your Face Sounds Familiar.