Being Recognized

By Paula Gaikowski

Regular Femulate contributor, Paula G, proffers her first article of the year on a topic that is near and dear to all of us gurls.

Want to start an uproar on a transgender support site? Just mention the phrase “pass as a woman.” Some forum moderators will not even allow the topic! I personally never had an issue with the term, but realize that it can be and is hurtful to many of my sisters. There is also a lot of politics tied up in the term, for those reasons, I try not to use it.

However, the term constantly comes up, and is used in spite of all the criticism. Heck, younger transgender people use it without controversy. There is even a transpassing sub-reditt that asks for passing advice. I’ve reflected on this idea during my journey and wondered, what is it that I am striving for?

Just thinking about all the effort and time we put into our presentation. It starts with shopping for the right clothes, finding hip pads and forms that work. Then there is shaving and more shaving, along with laser or electrolysis. Then skin care, finding the right cosmetics, learning how to use them with hours of practice. Then our hair, searching for and learning how to style the wig that’s right for us. Lest we not forget the accessories, the perfect purse, jewelry, scarves and belts. Oh wait shoes! That’s a book in itself.

Then the night before, it all gets laid out for the morning. That’s when the magic happens and the Phoenix rises from the ashes. Out the door we go expecting what? Exactly what is it in our psyche, in our hierarchy of needs that we are trying to satisfy?

I am sure that I would get diverse answers from many of you and I would never be so presumptuous to think I have the singular and definitive raison d'être.

However, I believe I can identify a theme that is common for many of us. Something that runs deep in the DNA of transgender women and I’ll go one step further and venture to say it is, in fact, the same for every woman.

But first let me share with you how I came to this conclusion. I was watching a historical documentary that covered the life of Marie Curie. It was this particular phrase that was an epiphany. “Universally recognized as a woman who changed modern science.”

The words that echoed in my mind were “recognized as a woman.” She, in this instance, was being recognized as a woman who did something significant. Let’s take a look at the definition of recognize.

Recognize: acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of, accept, admit, realize, be aware of, be conscious of, perceive, discern, appreciate Synonym: officially approve, certify, accredit, endorse, sanction, validate 

I won’t go over this whole list of words, girlfriends, however, they all speak legions! When I walk into a store or office, your damn right I want to be “acknowledged” as a woman.

To hear the words “Thank you, Ma’am” ― isn’t that the “validation” we seek? How about being accepted, endorsed, or perceived as a woman?

This is exactly what I’m seeking when my heels tap the floor as I walk thru a hotel lobby. I want people to recognize that a woman is walking by. I want them to see a woman, to recognize me for what I am deep down inside: a woman.

Yes, Ma’am, that’s it!

Wearing Alexia Admor.

Rachel Sams

My Secrets

Paula wrote, "Love your style; please share your secrets with us!"

I had to think about my "secrets" because most of what I do style-wise comes naturally to me. I don't think about it, I just do it. And this is what I do.

Emphasize your assets.

My legs are my best assets, so I show them off by wearing short skirts and high heels. Heels make my legs even more shapely and short skirts reveal the results.

And there is some truth when I say, "My skirt's not too short – my legs are too long! " I have resigned myself to the fact that the styles I prefer are going to be on the short side due to my leg length.

Dress for your body's age, not your calendar age.

My arms are svelte enough for sleeveless sheaths and my legs are toned enough for short hemlines, so I show off what I've got (while I've still got it).

When in doubt, wear nude pumps.

Matched to my skin tone, they're a safe bet and they make my legs look even longer.

If it works, keep working with it.

When I find a style that looks good on me, I become a fan of that style and populate my wardrobe with more examples of that style. For example, I discovered that I look good in wrap dresses and as a result, I now own an assortment of wrap dresses.

On the other hand, keep an open mind. When you are shopping, try on styles that are not in your style book. You never know – it may look great on you. That's how I discovered that jumpsuits belong in my style book.

Never buy a boring coat.

"Outerwear should never be an afterthought," says Holmes & Yang co-designer Jeanne Yang. "So many people only see you in your coat—if you're not wearing something great underneath your trench, they'll never even know!"

With that thought in mind, fur coats are never boring. I own two full-length fur coats and a fur jacket. And I love animals, so all my furs are fake.

Own something in animal print.

Animal prints are timeless, racy enough, and always glamorous. I own a variety of animal print clothing and accessories.

Scarves are not for hiding.

Scarves are recommended for girls like us to hide our Adam's apple. I don't have much of an Adam's apple, so I never wore scarves... until about five years ago, when I came across my dear departed Mother's stash of scarves. One girls' night out, I wore one of her scarves in her honor; I liked the look and began collecting and wearing my own stash of scarves.

Bigger jewelry is better jewelry.

Most girls like us are proportionally larger than cisgender girls. As a result, some of the jewelry designed for cis-girls is proportionally too small for us. So when I shop for jewelry, I shop for jewelry that is bigger rather than smaller.

***

If you have any questions about my secrets or anything else, please ask (stana-stana at sbcglobal.net).

(Thanks to InStyle.com for helping me bring out my secrets.)

Caveat Emptor: This post is an edited rerun from two years ago

Michalina Manios, a Polish gurl

A Big Deal

Massachusetts Attorney General Maura Healey will be one of the keynote speakers at the Transgender Conference, First Event 2016. Ms. Healey will be among the many speakers, workshop leaders, and events at the conference.

The conference, in its 36th year, is being held January 20th to the 24th, 2016, at the Westin Hotel, Waltham MA, just outside of Boston.

Ms. Healey is an advocate for transgender rights, having supported the 2011 “An Act Relative to Gender Identity." Recently she testified in support of current legislation under consideration to protect transgender people in places of public accommodation.

This is a big deal for the trans community. Government officials attend LGBT events. For example, at One Big Event in November, Connecticut's Senator Blumenthal and Hartford's Mayor Segarra were in attendance and spoke at the event, but that was an LGBT event. Until now, government officials did not show up for trans-only events, so that is why it is a big deal that the Massachusetts Attorney General will be at First Event.

Hopefully, we have turned a corner and trans-only events will continue to attract government officials.

Wearing The Kooples.

Me and my friends at First Event, January 2005

Get Curvy

Recently, people have commented positively about my figure and Billie asked, “I would like to learn your secret to a wonderful and very womanly body!”

Over 50 years of femulating, I have tried various methods to achieve a girlish figure. I will not bore you with that history; instead, I will concentrate on my current modus operandi for getting curvy.

From top to bottom, I wear a bra, waist cincher, and panties. Over the bra and waist cincher, I wear a shapewear cami and over the panties, I wear a shapewear brief.

Waist Not Want Not

I wear a waist cincher to reduce my waistline by a few, but noticeable inches. My waist cincher is so old that the brand name tag is unreadable and I don't remember the brand, but it is nothing unusual. It is a dead ringer for this 12-inch long, front hook-and-eye closure Maidenform waist cincher that is available from JCPenney's, Kohl's, Macy's, etc.

Occasionally, I strap on my heavy-duty underbust corset if I think I will need a little extra curvature, but normally, my waist cincher is all I need.

For the Girls

Victoria's Secret claims that their Bombshell push-up bra will add two cup sizes. It is heavily padded to accomplish that feat. Since I am blessed with small, but decidedly female breasts, wearing a Bombshell bra makes my girls outstanding in their field without anything extra.

I am sold on Vicky's Bombshell bra and that is the only kind I have bought since they were recommended to me by a saleswoman at Vicky's. I think you will be happy wearing a Bombshell, but  if you are flat-chested, you probably need to wear a breast form to fill out the cups of the Bombsell. (Later, I will describe how to make your own breast forms.)

For the Boys

I wear panties under a Bali shapewear brief, although the shapewear manufacturers' claim that panties are not necessary "because they all make shapewear with a cotton crotch or an accessible crotch."

That being said, I wear panties to help manage my boy parts down under. I tuck and the panties help keep the tucked parts in place. I have had less success maintaining tucks wearing shapewear without panties, although your mileage may vary.

Whereas the panties keep my boys in check, the Bali shapewear brief flattens my tummy and rounds up my cheeks to achieve a more attractive and more feminine shape.

Smoothing Things Over

Over the bra and waist cincher, I wear Bali's cami torset top. It is a cami with the front cut out to allow you to wear whatever bra you want. Meanwhile, it smooths out any uneveness that may occur between the bra and waist cincher and it also eliminates the back fat that has long been an issue that I thought I would never conquer.

I tuck the shapewear cami into the shapewear brief to keep the cami from riding up.

Voila! That is how I achieve my girlish figure.

There are a lot of layers and they can warm you up, but I solved the overheating issue by wearing short skirts! Short skirts and a fab figure are a winning combination!

Back to the Girls

I mentioned above that I don't wear breast forms because my natural B cups sitting comfortably in a Bombshell bra are more than adequate. But if I am wearing something revealing that will show off cleavage, I use breast forms to help create that cleavage.

In the past to create cleavage, I used surgical tape to squeeze my breasts together then added makeup to enhance the squeeze. It was very effective, but removing the tape was very painful and often resulted in skin abrasions and minor bleeding that took days or weeks to heal.

I now use a painless method to create cleavage ― a combination of a Victoria's Secret Bombshell push-up bra and breast forms, which is just as effective as taping and a lot more comfortable.

I insert a breast form into a bra cup with one hand, lift my breast with the other hand and place the form under my uplifted breast. The uplifted breasts create the cleavage and the heavy padding of the Bombshell bra holds everything in place just like the surgical tape had done so in the past.

I have gone whole evenings without my girls moving out of place, but if there ever is any slippage, I can quickly lift my breast(s) back in place when I have a private moment (like in a stall of the ladies' room).

Makeup For My Girls

After my girls are in place, I add makeup, applying two shades of bronzer or powder. A dark shade adds depth to the shadows of the cleavage and a light shade enhances the front of the breasts to make them look more outstanding.

I apply the darker shade in the space between my breasts and sweep the powder upward and outward, creating a V-shape along the “natural” curve of the breasts, then I blend the powder until it looks like a shadow and not a strip of powder.

A little goes a long way, so don’t overdue it. You can always add more dark powder if needed; removing it is more difficult.

I apply the lighter shade to the front of my breasts and blend it back towards, but not all the way to the dark shade.

DIY 

I made my own breast forms using a female impersonator's recipe: birdseed in a sock. (I actually used dried green peas instead of birdseed.)

1.  Use birdseed or dried green peas to fill a thin sock (not a thick heavy sock) to the cup size you desire.

2.  Tie off the sock as close as possible to the ball of seed or peas.

3.  Trim off any access sock and fold the remainder over the knot. Under a bra, the knot does a good job of femulating a nipple.

I made my forms over 30 years ago and they are still holding up.

And so it goes.

Wearing JustFab.

Peter Outerbridge (right) in the 1999 Canadian film Better Than Chocolate.

Erica's Favorite Photos (of Erica!)

Dear Stana,

I want to say thank you a million times. Femulate has become a very important positive thing in my life for one big reason ― it has helped me find a way out into the world as my true self. What could be bigger?

My goal is to transition to being the woman I am full time. This week has been my very first week of what I am planning to be a three-year process. It has been my dream to be myself at least since I was 12 years old. For more than four decades, I never have been able to see my way to fulfill this dream until now.

Seven months ago, I was at a very low point in my life. I had daily thoughts of ending it. A friend said to me he thought it was good I didn't keep a gun in the house. He maybe was right. A big reason I was depressed was because my marriage had ended. It was complicated, but a lot of the trouble was due to me being transgender. 

Just prior to my marriage, I had promised myself that trans was over and that I always would keep this secret from my wife. I had come out in two previous relationships, neither of which lasted long after that. Many readers here will understand what I mean by "purge." All of my clothes and shoes left one day in a box, picked up by a garbage truck in a Chicago alleyway. In the end, I had to try to tell my wife anyway. She was so angry that the marriage was pretty much over before I could give her a full explanation. (Amazingly, my ex-wife is very supportive now.)

I had to do something. I finally decided to do the obvious thing ― I decided to stop suppressing my transgender identity. What followed has been nothing short of a miracle. As therapy tells us, suppression and secrets take enormous emotional strength and exact terrible costs. So almost immediately after releasing myself, my mood soared to the highest point it had been for years. Body hair came off, I bought some new dressy clothes, heels, sleepwear, and so on for home life (I live by myself now). 

But then I realized this was not enough. I had to be out in public as a woman. My approach was to buy things I could wear everyday. I got some casual wear, sandals, capris pants, etc. and started just wearing these clothes all the time. I even spent a couple of days all around town in Minneapolis during Pride Week in my most feminine casual attire. Nobody said, “Boo.” I was onto something! 

In the seven months that followed, I practiced voice and mannerisms, got a lot more clothes, and even wore toned-down, androgynous outfits to work nearly every day. I wear these wedge-heeled booties all the time ― obviously women's ― no one seemed to notice or care. After a while, though, I came to the realization that what I have been doing is so good, so right, and so necessary for me to live the rest of my life that I decided that my transitioning to full time is the right course of action.

The first week of the New Year has been an intensely joyful launch of my transition. Really, I have been reborn. And I have a new sister, Ava Green, who has helped me enormously. I cannot thank her enough. Emotion wells up in me now when I think of her. 

The pictures you see were taken with Ava.  They, of course, jump off the charts as my favorite pictures of me that ever have been taken. She created an Eva Marie Saint North by Northwest look for me that moves me so much I know I am going to want to recreate and improve it again and again. Wow, I didn't think I could wear a form-fitting dress, but Ava got me into one. Being a woman is so very, very, very much fun!

I did feel some discrimination in my new role as myself ― all positive in my favor. It's amazing how people treat a well-dressed woman. "Yes, ma'am, can I help you,"  ...  "How are you ladies doing?" ... "That's such a pretty ring!" ...  They're all over you with kindness I don't remember getting before. Ava said I was natural at using my feminine face and smile. I suppose it comes from letting my emotions and true self out. Or maybe it was just from batting false eyelashes! 

The restaurant scene is at a great Thai place Ava suggested. Here's to you, Ava! And to you too, Stana!!

The road ahead will be long and undoubtedly will have many difficulties. I am way more public now than ever before. It's getting tricky, so I am trying to plan carefully how to come out completely ― including at work (where I'm not yet) ― at the right time. But my terror is gone. We can live our authentic lives as transgender women! We can do it!

Please let readers know, Stana, that I'm keeping a travelogue of my transition at http://ericajkilian.blogspot.com. I want to try to contribute to our community as much as possible, the same as you and many of the very fine people whose blogs you list. Your links are a wonderful resource. For example, I found Hannah's Diary through you, and from there I found Ava! Don't doubt for a second that you're doing something important here!

Thank you so much, Stana.

Erica Kilian

Calling all girls! My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Joie.

Actor Jonas Chernick wearing fur coat in the 2012 Canadian film My Awkward Sexual Adventure.

Trigger

I received an interesting and thought-provoking e-mail from Beverly commenting on my Sons post.

Regarding the nature versus nurture argument, Beverly falls on the nature side... that our gender gifts are a natural part of our persona and not the result of nurturing by our environment. However, Beverly added that "there has to be a 'trigger' somewhere to bring out whatever it is nature has gifted us with."

I wondered about my trigger. I wrote here that discovering the world of female impersonators moved me to try female impersonation myself at the age of 12. However, I had been exploring my gender gifts years before that, so female impersonation was not necessarily my trigger. But it was so long ago, that I am not actually sure what was my trigger.

Digging way down deep in my memory, I can only recall one event that may have started it all.

I was probably between the ages of 6 and 9 and for a day or two, I wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I remember I was home alone with my mother (my father and sister were out) and I covered my face with my mother's cold cream to simulate a clown's white face. What a mess!

I showed my handiwork to my mother and she volunteered to do a better job. She removed the cold cream and started anew applying various cosmetics to my face.

When she was done, I looked in the mirror and was shocked. Instead of looking like a clown, I looked like a girl. I still remember the bright red lipstick on my lips.

In retrospect, I am not sure if she realized what I was trying to do. I do not recall if I was clear about trying to be a clown. She may have thought I was trying to be a girl and acted accordingly.

Anyway, I was so embarrassed that I insisted that she remove the makeup before my father and sister returned home. She complied.

And I no longer wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I wanted to be a woman.

Caveat Emptor: This post is an edited rerun from two years ago.

Wearing Atlantic Pacific.

Professional femulators Billy and Ray, The Bigwood Twins.

Fashionista Friday

I watch old movies... the blacker and whiter, the better... and my TV is usually tuned to Turner Classic Movies (TCM). Wednesday evening, TCM showed and I watched True Confession, a wacky 1937 comedy featuring Fred MacMurray and Carole Lombard.

The film was fun and the humor held up despite being 79 years old. I particularly liked the acting of Carole Lombard. I had never sat through one of her films before and I thoroughly enjoyed her performance.

I also loved the outfits her female co-stars wore throughout the film. They were so classy and feminine that I wanted to ride the wayback machine back to 1937 in order to hit the racks at Macy's and Gimbels. (I am positive that I dressed like those women in a previous life.)

Una Merkel and Carole Lombard

Una Merkel, Edgar Kennedy and Carole Lombard

Carole Lombard and Eleanor Fisher

Carole Lombard and Fred MacMurray

Carole Lombard on the witness stand.

Carole Lombard and Una Merkel surrounded by cops.

Wearing Prada (coat), T by Alexander Wang (dress) and Manolo Blahnik (shoes).

Blonde having more fun!

This and That Thursday

In the news...

A few days ago, Stan Jones posted this 1979 womanless pageant photo on Pinterest. This event took place in Burns, Oregon, and I could not help wondering if any of these gurls are now militia men or women.

On the tube...

Last night, Turner Classic Movies (TCM) showed Come Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean. It was on past my bedtime, so I did not watch it, but I have seen it before and recommend it.

The plot, according to IMDB, "The Disciples of James Dean meet up on the anniversary of his death and mull over their lives in the present and in flashback, revealing the truth behind their complicated lives. Who is the mysterious Joanne and what's the real story behind Mona's son, James Dean Junior?"

Karen Black plays Joanne and is the key character from the perspective of a trans-chick flick.

In the air...

Frequent Femulate readers know that I go to Dayton, Ohio, every May to attend Hamvention. I already made my hotel reservations, but I am trying to decide how to travel to and from Dayton.

In the past, I have made the 735-mile trip by automobile with me driving solo both ways and I have learned to hate it, especially the return trip which I do in one day. After 13 hours on the road last year, I told anyone who asked that I would fly this year. I have said that before and ended up driving, but this year, I am seriously considering flying.

And if I fly, I will do it as a woman.

I have made many roadtrips including the Dayton trip, as a woman, but I have never flown as a woman. Jenn, one of the gurl hams I usually see at Hamvention sent me this link to a recent article about flying transgender. Despite that less than encouraging article, flying as a woman does not worry me; I will be thrilled to do so.

What gives me pause about flying as a woman is how to pack. For my Dayton roadtrips, I typically have two big pieces of luggage, my makeup tackle box and a computer bag. So I will definitely have to pack differently if I fly pretty.

Wearing Elizabeth and James.

Gurls attending the Closet Queen Ball in Los Angeles, circa 1974.

Piercing and Shaving

Susie Hune recently wrote to me about piercing her ears and removing her hair. Her thoughts on these topics were interesting and I want to share them with you.

A summer or so ago, my daughter and granddaughter finally convinced my wife that I should get my ears pierced (took about three years). Conservatively, I’ve noticed that about 90% of the guys with any kind of earring are wearing them on both ears. (I think they can’t remember for sure which side they’re supposed to go in!)

So we all trooped over to the mall and Piercing Pagoda and got ‘em done. I got the little gold balls that were unobtrusive and wore them to Mass the next day. I had one comment by a friend of mine in the choir, followed by another member. Both were very positive! No comments from any of my other choir members… or even sneaky glances! It was a non-event and very anti-climactic. Not sure how I feel about that.

Now I have access to my wife’s earrings and have had fun going out to Kay Jewelers to pick out new ones (as Susie, of course).

So, no time like the present, Stana. In fact, give yourself a present!

This leads to another subject: outward appearances and what the public will accept.

I’m almost 70 and one of my greatest regrets is that I didn’t have something done with my body hair when I was younger. I body shave everyday and it’s time-consuming to say the least. Half-hour showers are the norm and I wish removal of gray hair with laser was possible.

If I have one suggestion for anyone in our shoes (heels), it’s find ANY excuse to get all the non-female hair removed from your body as young as you can!!! Laser or electrolysis… just get it removed! There will come a time in your life where you’ll regret not doing so. If you consider that I spend about 30 minutes per day for face and body… multiplied by 365 days per year… that’s a lot of shaving cream, razor blades, and water. The plus side is the feeling you have when you are hair-free below the neck. Oooh, that’s nice, particularly in a nightie!

And again, I go everywhere in the summer in women’s shorts with bare legs and no one gives me a glance (except for the few that know all about me and from them I hear “nice legs!”)
.
In summary, get your ears pierced, Stana, and encourage your readers to get all their masculine hair removed using any and all excuses available.

Wearing La Femme.

Xavier Dolan