Erica's Favorite Photos (of Erica!)

Dear Stana,

I want to say thank you a million times. Femulate has become a very important positive thing in my life for one big reason ― it has helped me find a way out into the world as my true self. What could be bigger?

My goal is to transition to being the woman I am full time. This week has been my very first week of what I am planning to be a three-year process. It has been my dream to be myself at least since I was 12 years old. For more than four decades, I never have been able to see my way to fulfill this dream until now.

Seven months ago, I was at a very low point in my life. I had daily thoughts of ending it. A friend said to me he thought it was good I didn't keep a gun in the house. He maybe was right. A big reason I was depressed was because my marriage had ended. It was complicated, but a lot of the trouble was due to me being transgender. 

Just prior to my marriage, I had promised myself that trans was over and that I always would keep this secret from my wife. I had come out in two previous relationships, neither of which lasted long after that. Many readers here will understand what I mean by "purge." All of my clothes and shoes left one day in a box, picked up by a garbage truck in a Chicago alleyway. In the end, I had to try to tell my wife anyway. She was so angry that the marriage was pretty much over before I could give her a full explanation. (Amazingly, my ex-wife is very supportive now.)

I had to do something. I finally decided to do the obvious thing ― I decided to stop suppressing my transgender identity. What followed has been nothing short of a miracle. As therapy tells us, suppression and secrets take enormous emotional strength and exact terrible costs. So almost immediately after releasing myself, my mood soared to the highest point it had been for years. Body hair came off, I bought some new dressy clothes, heels, sleepwear, and so on for home life (I live by myself now). 

But then I realized this was not enough. I had to be out in public as a woman. My approach was to buy things I could wear everyday. I got some casual wear, sandals, capris pants, etc. and started just wearing these clothes all the time. I even spent a couple of days all around town in Minneapolis during Pride Week in my most feminine casual attire. Nobody said, “Boo.” I was onto something! 

In the seven months that followed, I practiced voice and mannerisms, got a lot more clothes, and even wore toned-down, androgynous outfits to work nearly every day. I wear these wedge-heeled booties all the time ― obviously women's ― no one seemed to notice or care. After a while, though, I came to the realization that what I have been doing is so good, so right, and so necessary for me to live the rest of my life that I decided that my transitioning to full time is the right course of action.

The first week of the New Year has been an intensely joyful launch of my transition. Really, I have been reborn. And I have a new sister, Ava Green, who has helped me enormously. I cannot thank her enough. Emotion wells up in me now when I think of her. 

The pictures you see were taken with Ava.  They, of course, jump off the charts as my favorite pictures of me that ever have been taken. She created an Eva Marie Saint North by Northwest look for me that moves me so much I know I am going to want to recreate and improve it again and again. Wow, I didn't think I could wear a form-fitting dress, but Ava got me into one. Being a woman is so very, very, very much fun!

I did feel some discrimination in my new role as myself ― all positive in my favor. It's amazing how people treat a well-dressed woman. "Yes, ma'am, can I help you,"  ...  "How are you ladies doing?" ... "That's such a pretty ring!" ...  They're all over you with kindness I don't remember getting before. Ava said I was natural at using my feminine face and smile. I suppose it comes from letting my emotions and true self out. Or maybe it was just from batting false eyelashes! 

The restaurant scene is at a great Thai place Ava suggested. Here's to you, Ava! And to you too, Stana!!

The road ahead will be long and undoubtedly will have many difficulties. I am way more public now than ever before. It's getting tricky, so I am trying to plan carefully how to come out completely ― including at work (where I'm not yet) ― at the right time. But my terror is gone. We can live our authentic lives as transgender women! We can do it!

Please let readers know, Stana, that I'm keeping a travelogue of my transition at http://ericajkilian.blogspot.com. I want to try to contribute to our community as much as possible, the same as you and many of the very fine people whose blogs you list. Your links are a wonderful resource. For example, I found Hannah's Diary through you, and from there I found Ava! Don't doubt for a second that you're doing something important here!

Thank you so much, Stana.

Erica Kilian

Calling all girls! My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Joie.

Actor Jonas Chernick wearing fur coat in the 2012 Canadian film My Awkward Sexual Adventure.

Trigger

I received an interesting and thought-provoking e-mail from Beverly commenting on my Sons post.

Regarding the nature versus nurture argument, Beverly falls on the nature side... that our gender gifts are a natural part of our persona and not the result of nurturing by our environment. However, Beverly added that "there has to be a 'trigger' somewhere to bring out whatever it is nature has gifted us with."

I wondered about my trigger. I wrote here that discovering the world of female impersonators moved me to try female impersonation myself at the age of 12. However, I had been exploring my gender gifts years before that, so female impersonation was not necessarily my trigger. But it was so long ago, that I am not actually sure what was my trigger.

Digging way down deep in my memory, I can only recall one event that may have started it all.

I was probably between the ages of 6 and 9 and for a day or two, I wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I remember I was home alone with my mother (my father and sister were out) and I covered my face with my mother's cold cream to simulate a clown's white face. What a mess!

I showed my handiwork to my mother and she volunteered to do a better job. She removed the cold cream and started anew applying various cosmetics to my face.

When she was done, I looked in the mirror and was shocked. Instead of looking like a clown, I looked like a girl. I still remember the bright red lipstick on my lips.

In retrospect, I am not sure if she realized what I was trying to do. I do not recall if I was clear about trying to be a clown. She may have thought I was trying to be a girl and acted accordingly.

Anyway, I was so embarrassed that I insisted that she remove the makeup before my father and sister returned home. She complied.

And I no longer wanted to be a circus clown when I grew up. I wanted to be a woman.

Caveat Emptor: This post is an edited rerun from two years ago.

Wearing Atlantic Pacific.

Professional femulators Billy and Ray, The Bigwood Twins.

Fashionista Friday

I watch old movies... the blacker and whiter, the better... and my TV is usually tuned to Turner Classic Movies (TCM). Wednesday evening, TCM showed and I watched True Confession, a wacky 1937 comedy featuring Fred MacMurray and Carole Lombard.

The film was fun and the humor held up despite being 79 years old. I particularly liked the acting of Carole Lombard. I had never sat through one of her films before and I thoroughly enjoyed her performance.

I also loved the outfits her female co-stars wore throughout the film. They were so classy and feminine that I wanted to ride the wayback machine back to 1937 in order to hit the racks at Macy's and Gimbels. (I am positive that I dressed like those women in a previous life.)

Una Merkel and Carole Lombard

Una Merkel, Edgar Kennedy and Carole Lombard

Carole Lombard and Eleanor Fisher

Carole Lombard and Fred MacMurray

Carole Lombard on the witness stand.

Carole Lombard and Una Merkel surrounded by cops.

Wearing Prada (coat), T by Alexander Wang (dress) and Manolo Blahnik (shoes).

Blonde having more fun!

This and That Thursday

In the news...

A few days ago, Stan Jones posted this 1979 womanless pageant photo on Pinterest. This event took place in Burns, Oregon, and I could not help wondering if any of these gurls are now militia men or women.

On the tube...

Last night, Turner Classic Movies (TCM) showed Come Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean. It was on past my bedtime, so I did not watch it, but I have seen it before and recommend it.

The plot, according to IMDB, "The Disciples of James Dean meet up on the anniversary of his death and mull over their lives in the present and in flashback, revealing the truth behind their complicated lives. Who is the mysterious Joanne and what's the real story behind Mona's son, James Dean Junior?"

Karen Black plays Joanne and is the key character from the perspective of a trans-chick flick.

In the air...

Frequent Femulate readers know that I go to Dayton, Ohio, every May to attend Hamvention. I already made my hotel reservations, but I am trying to decide how to travel to and from Dayton.

In the past, I have made the 735-mile trip by automobile with me driving solo both ways and I have learned to hate it, especially the return trip which I do in one day. After 13 hours on the road last year, I told anyone who asked that I would fly this year. I have said that before and ended up driving, but this year, I am seriously considering flying.

And if I fly, I will do it as a woman.

I have made many roadtrips including the Dayton trip, as a woman, but I have never flown as a woman. Jenn, one of the gurl hams I usually see at Hamvention sent me this link to a recent article about flying transgender. Despite that less than encouraging article, flying as a woman does not worry me; I will be thrilled to do so.

What gives me pause about flying as a woman is how to pack. For my Dayton roadtrips, I typically have two big pieces of luggage, my makeup tackle box and a computer bag. So I will definitely have to pack differently if I fly pretty.

Wearing Elizabeth and James.

Gurls attending the Closet Queen Ball in Los Angeles, circa 1974.

Piercing and Shaving

Susie Hune recently wrote to me about piercing her ears and removing her hair. Her thoughts on these topics were interesting and I want to share them with you.

A summer or so ago, my daughter and granddaughter finally convinced my wife that I should get my ears pierced (took about three years). Conservatively, I’ve noticed that about 90% of the guys with any kind of earring are wearing them on both ears. (I think they can’t remember for sure which side they’re supposed to go in!)

So we all trooped over to the mall and Piercing Pagoda and got ‘em done. I got the little gold balls that were unobtrusive and wore them to Mass the next day. I had one comment by a friend of mine in the choir, followed by another member. Both were very positive! No comments from any of my other choir members… or even sneaky glances! It was a non-event and very anti-climactic. Not sure how I feel about that.

Now I have access to my wife’s earrings and have had fun going out to Kay Jewelers to pick out new ones (as Susie, of course).

So, no time like the present, Stana. In fact, give yourself a present!

This leads to another subject: outward appearances and what the public will accept.

I’m almost 70 and one of my greatest regrets is that I didn’t have something done with my body hair when I was younger. I body shave everyday and it’s time-consuming to say the least. Half-hour showers are the norm and I wish removal of gray hair with laser was possible.

If I have one suggestion for anyone in our shoes (heels), it’s find ANY excuse to get all the non-female hair removed from your body as young as you can!!! Laser or electrolysis… just get it removed! There will come a time in your life where you’ll regret not doing so. If you consider that I spend about 30 minutes per day for face and body… multiplied by 365 days per year… that’s a lot of shaving cream, razor blades, and water. The plus side is the feeling you have when you are hair-free below the neck. Oooh, that’s nice, particularly in a nightie!

And again, I go everywhere in the summer in women’s shorts with bare legs and no one gives me a glance (except for the few that know all about me and from them I hear “nice legs!”)
.
In summary, get your ears pierced, Stana, and encourage your readers to get all their masculine hair removed using any and all excuses available.

Wearing La Femme.

Xavier Dolan

Rebelling from Gender

Shannon, a Naugatuck Valley girl like me, suggested some blogs I should visit and perhaps, add to my blog list. And so I did.

Faith's Adventures of a Gender Rebel got my attention immediately with a recent post that included the following image.

Faith looks gorgeous in the photo (she looks gorgeous in all her photos), but it was the caption of this particular photo that did it for me!

I dress like this because I just love being a man.

I have seen photos of Faith in various Internet locations in the past, but I did not know anything about her until Shannon sent me the link to her blog. Turns out that Faith has been posting photos on the Internet like forever, but only started her blog this past August.

I was fascinated by her blog posts mainly because we have so much in common. (If it wasn't for the age difference, I'd wonder if we were sisters separated at birth!)

I spent Sunday evening reading and enjoying her blog and I highly recommend it to all.

Wearing Eloquii.

Femulating actors in the 2014 film Billy Shakespeare.

Femulating Loves Company

A little company in the real world can go a long way in building your confidence for solo excursions. 

By Amy

A long, long time ago, I can still remember that going out as Amy alone was pretty scary. So I found a kind soul whose business was helping someone like me shop. She specialized in crossdressers. She did one’s makeup and hair, and in general, got one to the mall! I spent a couple days with her and she was constantly telling me how well I was doing.

In a few months, I gave it another try with even better success. We did the obligatory shopping, plus dinners out, museums and attractions in the area. I even met a few of her friends. My confidence was building quickly. Can you say hubris?!

In the following years, I started asking for appointments with women who were wardrobe consultants and had never considered helping someone like me. (I was rarely turned down). With an explanation by phone or a sincere email or both, I made appointments with these women in different cities (in my travels) and really had a great time improving my selection of clothes and personal style, as well as getting to know them.

I found that it took no time at all for us to warm up on the initial meet and have a fun day! In following visits, our relationships usually went beyond shopping to meeting for coffee in the morning just to talk, doing lunch or dinners. I have become friends with several of these women and stay in touch all the time.

One friend no longer does the wardrobe thing and instead, she is very involved in fashion shows,and productions of other events. So we have met up at different locations such as Phoenix Fashion Week to see the show and go behind the scenes to meet the many people she knows working the show. Very fun and the models are so pretty!

The moral to the story is that my seeking help or a partner to get me out made it possible to develop confidence, meet others and begin some long-term friendships that otherwise would not have happened. I often count my blessings that this group of gals is so accepting of me and willing to count me as someone who is fun to be with. And the circle is still growing!

Wearing Ann Taylor.

A 20-something femulator takes time out from shopping for a selfie.

Stana's Favorite Images of 2015