Paula Gee Goodwin's Favorite Photo (of Paula Gee Goodwin!)

I actually find that as I grow in self confidence and am spending more and more time presenting my true self to the world I am taking less selfies. Keeping a blog going is like feeding an angry animal in the way it consumes photos and all too often, I forget to take any.

I think this is my favorite photo. It's not a sefie but one taken by my friend Justin David, a photographer, writer and generally very clever boy. It was part of a series he took as publicity shots for my orchestra, the London Gay Symphony Orchestra.

I am the only trans member of this particular LGBT group and was very pleased to be asked to be part of the photo series. We were asked to wear something that we thought was elegant or our idea of stylish; I went for this backless evening gown which was a bit odd at 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning.

I love the way the photo makes me look comfortable, confident and happy with myself. I like the black dress against the black background, so I almost seem to emerge from the blackness and I love the sparkle from the dress bodice and the shine of my trombone (precious).

This was one of the first photos ever taken of me,and certainly one of the first after I started to wear my own hair, so in many ways, it is a very early photo showing the real me, no disguise, no hiding, no trying to be somebody else, just me and my trombone.

In response to my open invitation to send your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo, I received a lot of photos and stories that I am posting in the the order I received them. My invitation still stands, so don't be shy, send me your photos! And by the way, there are currently 20 girls' photos in the queue.

Wearing Light in the Box.

Comedian Flip Wilson femulating on television's The Dean Martin Show in 1967.

Eating Pie

People have asked about what I wrote in my previous post, specifically "Wednesday was going to be a very big day out en femme for me. I was going to take the train to New York City to attend a conference with my boss and her boss: three business women in The City for the day."

No, I have not started working full-time as a woman.

Wednesday's trip to NYC was going to be a test for me and my bosses. I wanted to prove to them that I am a woman and not an embarrassment, so why not test that notion outside the office and amongst the general public who are not accustomed to my Halloween custom.

I was very disappointed that that opportunity was lost. Perhaps another will arise soon.

***

My Wednesday out en femme continued at the West Farms Mall, which in my opinion, is the premier shopping mall in Connecticut.

When I was doing my makeup Wednesday morning, I noticed that my bottle of Avon-brand liquid foundation was at its end. I also noticed that the Smashbox eye shadow primer I use was nearing its end, so it was time to restock and Sephora was my first stop at West Farms.

I quickly found the eye shadow primer, but I was overwhelmed by the huge selection of liquid foundations on display. Foundation brands and types were not as big an issue as was color. I have never been confident of the colors I use; I know my color choices are in the ballpark, but I want to hit a home run, so I asked one of the sales reps for assistance.

Filomena walked me over to the Sephora + Pantone Color IQ display where she used a handheld camera-like device to determine my color, which turned out to be medium beige. The result was entered into the Color IQ iPad and it displayed all the brands of foundations that were available in my color. I selected the Make Up For Ever HD Invisible Cover Foundation. My foundation color choices were always in the lighter than medium beiges, so I will be anxious to see how I look in my corrected color.

I exited Sephora at noon and decided to have lunch. Like most malls, the dining choices are mostly of the fast food variety, but I noticed a new-to-me restaurant that seemed to be a few notches up from the usual mall fare: Brio Tuscan Grille.

As soon as I entered Brio, I knew my estimate was correct. It was a very well-appointed restaurant and most of its clientele were well-dressed business people. I fit right in!

I was seated quickly and an attentive waitress could not have been nicer to me. She helped me select a glass of wine by providing two samples and I selected a 5-ounce filet with grilled veggies from the menu. It was delicious.

The rest of the staff treated me like a lady and the other diners ignored me like an old lady.

After finishing my meal, I needed to use the ladies' room and one of the staff pointed me in the general direction. The problem was that when I arrived at the facilities, the names of the restrooms were in Italian.

I know a few words in Italian, but not "ladies' room" and "men's room," so I selected the room on my left, the one called "Domme." (When faced with choices I am clueless about, I always select the choice on the left.)

It turned out I made the correct choice, but I have to admit I was a little worried while sitting on the toilet trying to figure out which direction the shoes of the person in the next stall were pointed. I am sure they were pointed the wrong way, but maybe they did not know Italian either!

After dining, I browsed the racks in Lord & Taylor and Nordstrom and after getting over the sticker shock, I visited the Apple store to ask a genius a question about the iPad mini.

My feet were holding up very well after six hours in 3-inch heels, but I was done shopping, had bought more than I intended and decided to call it a day en femme.

Home by 4 PM, I kicked off my heels and reflected on my day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actor and professional femulator Jim Bailey in the 1987 film Penitentiary III.

Lemon Meringue Pie

Wednesday was going to be a very big day out en femme for me. I was going to take the train to New York City to attend a conference with my boss and her boss: three business women in The City for the day.

Needless to say, I was looking forward to the trip, but late on Tuesday, the conference was cancelled and so was the trip to NYC.

Handed a lemon, I decided to make a lemon meringue pie.

Wednesday morning, I phoned my boss and told her I was taking a vacation day. Then I shaved, showered, did my hair and makeup, dressed (new sweater dress from Dress Barn, black opaque tights, black Payless Karmen pumps), grabbed my coat and my bag and headed to the malls.

I arrived at the Westfield Mall in Meriden (CT) a few minutes after it opened. Usually, the mall is very quiet when it opens on a weekday, but it was very busy yesterday. I assume the now perpetual Black Friday had something to do with it.

Wow! How I have changed!

Only a few years ago, I would carefully strategize my mall visits. I would use an entrance with the least amount of foot traffic and sit in my car until I was sure no one else would be entering at the same time as me.

After the all-clear, I would enter the mall and avoid any males who might be traversing the mall and I would avoid eye contact with any human being I might encounter. I would be all business and go directly to the store(s) I was interested in visiting and not browse, window-shop and enjoy my shopping experience.

That version of Stana is so foreign to me now. Now I do the mall just like a typical civilian woman does the mall and I enjoy every minute of it!

Westfield Mall is in decline. JCPenney closed its doors earlier this year and its large footprint remains unoccupied. There are other vacancies throughout the mall and most of the replacements, if any, are of the dollar store variety.

However, one replacement is now a favorite spot for me to shop: Fashion to Figure. They have a nice variety of clothing for fuller figure girls like me, yet their price tags are very reasonable. And they were having a buy one item and get the second item at 50% sale.

I spent an hour trying on clothes in Fashion to Figure and cashed out with three new dresses and one new jumpsuit for $125. (I hope Stana gets invited to some holiday parties this year because two of the dresses are too party to wear to work.)

By the way, the sales associate was so helpful and enthusiastic. She picked out some excellent items for me to try on and when she helped zip me into one of the dresses, she noticed I was wearing my Squeem (she was wearing hers, too), yet she was mum about the stray hairs poking out from the top of my Squeem.

After Fashion to Figure, I exited Westfield and headed to West Farms Mall to continue my day out en femme.

 

 

 

Wearing Brahmin.

 

 

 

Actor and professional femulator Libor Landa in the 2003 Czech film Kamenak.

Lemonade

I received the following e-mail yesterday.

I am a life-long TV, so I feel able to comment.

My advice to nearly all those who contribute to your blog is simple:

Throw away the cameras and look long and hard in the mirror. Look at the women around you; you should blush with embarrassment. Cover your shoulders and knees and get rid of those “long luscious locks.” Very few women over 40 look good with long hair. None of you (and me) really look anything like women and that is a tragedy.

By the way, I have no photos of me. The last that were taken were 30 years ago for an article in The Times. No! It was 40 years ago – time flies.

Stop being delusional. A mirror does not lie except at a fairground.

Look at the professional femulators and actors. Even they with all the advantages – professional makeup, expensive wigs, etc., are rarely convincing and face the reality of a cruel life.

We’ve all been dealt a lousy hand!

My response: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That is especially true if you are a male-to-female transperson.

We have a lot going against us. Compared to the quintessential woman, we do not compare favorably. We are too tall, too heavy, too wide, too hairy. Our voices are too deep, our faces too masculine, and our bodies too unshapely. We are just too too. 

So should we all hide in the closet because we don’t resemble the quintessential woman?

Just like my trans sisters, there are cisgender women who don’t resemble the quintessential woman. Nonetheless, we are all women and we try to make the best with what we have.

And by the way, the mirror does lie. I always look fab when I look at my femme self in the mirror; to see what I really look like, I take a selfie.

And so it goes. 

 

 

 

Wearing Bebe.

 

 

 

Mimo Momo, femulator extraordinaire.

ad nauseum

ad nauseum - a Latin term for a discussion that has continued so long that it has continued "to [the point of] nausea" (Source: Wikipedia).

On my desk at work is a framed photo of me at work en femme on Halloween in 2012. It serves as a reminder to me of who I really am and is my way of virtually going to work every day en femme.

During the two years that that photo has been on my desk, only one co-worker has ever commented or asked about it and their question was an innocuous, "Who took the photo?"

I am not sure what that says about me or my co-workers.

• Maybe my co-workers suspect that something is going on with me, but are too polite to ask.
• Maybe my co-workers suspect that something is going on with me, but are bored with it, so don't ask about it and just wonder what is taking her so long to move on with her life.
• Maybe my co-workers feel that it is none of their business or maybe they just don't care.

Regardless, it will be interesting to hear my co-workers thoughts on the matter after the fact.

I appreciate all your concerns that you e-mailed me or left as comments to Thursday's post. I believe that I have everything covered (read my replies to your comments) and there is only one thing holding me back: telling my wife.

That one thing holding me back is a big thing and I am carefully strategizing  how I am going to handle it. Haste makes waste, as they say, but on the other hand, I am ready to burst and need to resolve this soon.

 

 

 

Wearing DailyLook.

 

 

 

Actor Hemmo Karja femulating in the 2014 Finnish film Nightmare 2.

Anna Maria's Favorite Photo (of Anna Maria!)

Hello Stana, 

I truly love your blog! Attached is my favourite photo and this is the story:

For me dressing and passing are a bit of a challenge. Like you I’m 61, but I’m also on the heavier side and therefore, I always try to look like anybody’s wife / sister / mother / neighbour, etc. I kind of pass well only because I don’t call any attention to me... until I open my mouth... my voice is a dead give away!

A few years ago I was a board member for a local crossdressers’ club; I was in charge of organizing the social events. We were trying to organize a fall weekend in a small town some 150 km east of Toronto. Many believe that small towns have closed-minded people and therefore it is best to stay away and the only way for me to find out was to actually visit them.

It was an unexpectedly warm, humid spring day and I was dressed way too warmly. When I arrived to the local hotel (it has about 25 rooms), initially the manager gave me that quick look women have for other not-too-attractive women, but she was very surprised when I began to explain why I was there. She actually pulled me to one side away from the front desk and I thought, "OK, she is going to tell me to go away," but much to my surprise, she wanted to know where had I bought my dress!

This lady has become a very dear friend to my wife and myself and that is what makes this photo my favourite.

We have been back so many times that I’m also on a first name basis with the hotel owner, who is very careful to address me by my name and with the proper pronouns depending on whether it is me or my alter ego. The local businesses and restaurants always treat me well, our friend loves to come shopping with us and club’s weekend event also was a blast!

Take care, 

Anna María


In response to my open invitation to send me your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo, I received a bunch of photos and stories that I am posting in the blog on an irregular schedule. My invitation still stands, so don't be shy, send me your photos!

Wearing Sofia Cashmere.

Actor Pyotr Krasilov femulating in Russian television's

Vse Smeshalos V Dome (All Mixed Up In The House) (2006).

Raiding Her Closet

These two cartoons with a similar theme both appeared in the same issue of Playboy magazine, the November 1980 issue, which coincidentally also contained D. Keith Mano's article about Fantasia Fair.

During its heyday, Playboy seldom published cartoons with a crossdressing theme — perhaps one or two per year, so it was unusual to see two in the same issue. Maybe the Fantasia Fair article prompted the editors to dig into their backlog to find cartoons that were compatible with the Fan Fair article.

By the way, the cartoonists involved are big-time cartoonists in my book. The late Bill Hoest was best known for his daily comic strip The Lockhorns, while Skip Williamson was one of the premier underground cartoonists of the underground comix era.

 

 

 

Wearing Victoria’s Secret.

 

 

 

Comedian Darren Trumeter femulating on a
2007 episode of television’s The Whitest Kids U’ Know.

Sindi’s Favorite Photo (of Sindi!)

Not my most favorite, but one of my favorites. Dress Barn on clearance plus coupon :-) In response to my open invitation to send me your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo, I received a bunch of photos and stories that I am posting in the blog on an irregular schedule. My invitation still stands, so don't be shy, send me your photos!
	Sindi’s fave foto

 

 

 

Wearing Dabuwawa.

 

 

 

Actors Dieter Borsche and Georg Thomalla femulate in the
1951 West German film Fanfare der Liebe (Fanfares of Love).

It's No Fun Reading About Being A Girl

There was a silent auction during Fantasia Fair and one of the items up for bid was the November 1980 issue of Playboy magazine. That issue contained the infamous article that exposed Fantasia Fair to the world.

Titled "It's No Fun Being A Girl" and written by D. Keith Mano, I read that article back in 1980 and did not recall much of it. However, I do remember that the article impressed me that Fantasia Fair existed and provided an outlet for crossdressers to do their thing in public without fear. I hoped I would be able to attend some day.

Twenty-eight years later I finally made it, but that's another story.

Since the only thing I recalled about the article was the tampon "controversy," I wanted to revisit the article and see what impressed me 34 years ago. Searching online, I only found a few references to the article. However, I did notice that back issues of Playboy were available from a variety of sources, so I visited eBay and found a copy of the pertinent issue for $2.

When the magazine arrived, I began reading the article immediately. But, about half way through, I stopped reading it and skimmed the rest.

The writer was not trans in any way (at least, he did not admit to being trans). Rather, he was a civilian writing about his first person experience getting dressed as a woman and attending Fantasia Fair. He wrote a humorous piece, often at the expense of the trans folks attending the Fair.

The average Playboy reader would probably enjoy the humor, but I did not and that is why I stopped reading the article at the half-way point.

I did read the whole article back in 1980, but then there was next to nothing to read about being trans, so I relished every word (good or bad) on the topic. I don't recall if I found the article amusing back then – probably not because it hit too close to home – but the article did inform me about the existence of Fantasia Fair, which was something a confused 20-something transgirl could grasp onto.

 

 

 

Wearing Victoria’s Secret.

 

 

 

The “winner” of a recent womanless beauty contest.

Another Successful Outing

Each day, I get a little closer to going to work as a woman on a regular basis, that is, a more regular basis than once a year. Recently, the company reorganized my department. My boss moved on to another position in the company and I had a new boss, a woman who has been a co-worker for over 17 years. She and I have always had an excellent working relationship. Also, she has witnessed most of my Halloween appearances at work en femme. (She is the person who remarked that when I am en femme, I resemble a woman who was a former employee here.) We had a sit-down meeting this week to discuss my projects, both old and new.

It was our first one-on-one sit-down meeting since she became my boss, so I decided that it was a good time to tell her about what was really behind my Halloween appearances at work en femme. After discussing my projects, I told her I was a transgender woman.

She admitted that she was not surprised.

She also said that she was perfectly fine with me presenting as a woman at work.

And so it goes!

 

 

 

Wearing Louis Vuitton.

 

 

 

Actors Ben Savage and Rider Strong femulate
in a 1997 episode of television’s Boy Meets World.