Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sweet 16 and How I Lost It

By Paula Gaikowski

Paula-G-Before-and-After-2

The woman was stunning, enjoying a classic feminine beauty that seemed effortless. She moved with an elegant charm in an ivory colored suit, her heels tapped musically as she exited the elevator leaving behind a rich floral scent. Most men would desire her, but I desired to be like her.

A few weeks later, I was in Lord & Taylor where I saw the most beautiful ivory suit on a mannequin. Paired with a pair of black pumps and purse it called out to me. I had to have it.
I checked the rack looking for a size that fit me. The largest one I found was a Misses size 16, but I wore a Women’s size 24. I bought the size 16.

I don’t know why, but I had to have that dress. It didn’t fit; the skirt wouldn’t go past my knees. It hung in my closet for three years. Sometimes I would take it out and hold it up and daydream.

Time had passed and today was the day; the suit was ready back from the cleaners. It hung there in a clear plastic bag. I was ready too, pantyhose, bra, Spanx, hair and makeup. I took her from the hanger and opened the zipper on the skirt, stepped into it, pulled it over my hips, and reached behind and heard the wonderful sound of “zzzippp!” as the skirt fit perfectly around my waist.

As I slipped into the jacket, the satin lining felt cool against my skin. As I worked the buttons closed, the jacket hugged my hips seductively and proudly accented my bust. I sprayed a bit of perfume and then stepped into my shoes. When I turned toward the mirror, there she was: the women from the elevator. Although I was smiling, a tear ran down my cheek.

In 2009, I turned 50 years old and had reached the weight of 280 pounds. I hated how I looked. I was a year or two away from high blood pressure and diabetes. My dreams of expressing my feminine side were slipping away. I was burdened with guilt, shame and self loathing.

Through the years, I had worked so hard and sacrificed for so many things for so many people in my life. Now at 50, the one thing I wanted most, the one thing that had nagged at me since childhood was going to be left unanswered. I could not do it. I could not let it go. I needed to express that woman who I knew lived inside me. I may never transition, but I needed to experience the world as a woman in some way.

I had no plan. I was still lost, but then one day during lunch I went to a local mall. I decided that I was going to buy makeup --- a good quality foundation. I walked around the sleek and polished cosmetic counters in Lord & Taylor. I was feeling horribly out of place and self-conscious.

I walked up to the Lacome counter and stammered out a request for a foundation with heavy coverage. The sales associate told me that their foundations were very sheer, but asked me to wait a minute; she walked over to another kiosk and spoke briefly with another sales associate.

Meanwhile I was turning red with embarrassment; I was sure they were shocked and appalled by my request. I fought the urge to bolt and run as I had done in earlier attempts. But I was starting to get weary of making excuses and being afraid. I had enough and I wasn’t going to run anymore. I was going to stand up to that bully who lived inside of me.

From across the aisle came a smile and a petite wave. Soon I found myself standing in front of an attractive young woman who was the manager of the NARS counter. Kasey, I would later learn her name, was pretty enough to be a model. Her make-up, true to her profession, was artistically perfect. She quickly put me at ease and started to explain the different types of foundations available.

For the first time in my life I spoke the truth openly about who I was. I told her that I was transgender and was starting to use makeup and wanted to develop a conservative business look for going out in the world. I didn’t know what to expect in return. I imagined the worst:  disdain, scorn, condescension, but instead, she responded with enthusiasm and it was contagious.

I listened intently to every word. Fifteen minutes later, I departed and walked proudly back to the car carrying my cute little NARS bag with my new foundation. Best of all, I felt good about my purchase; I didn’t feel guilty or shameful. For the first time in my life I felt acceptance.

About three weeks later I went back to the NARS counter. Still a bit apprehensive and uneasy about what my reception might be, I was relieved to be greeted by Kasey and a friendly smile. “Hey, how’s the foundation working for you?”

She then helped me pick out colors for my eyes and gave me advice on application. When she reached for her business card under the counter I noticed her lunch, a small container of soup, fruit and a bottle of water. As I walked away it dawned on me, if I wanted to look like a slender stylish woman I needed to eat like one.

I was a yo-yo dieter who always went back to a fat and bad carb-based diet. It was what I was used t, and it was destroying me physically, but also destroying any hope I had of stepping out into the world as a woman.

This was an epiphany. At that moment, I associated and connected my diet with being feminine and achieving my dream. I wanted to dress as a woman, socialize as a woman, and be accepted as a woman, that is, in all practical ways, I wanted to live as a woman. I finally realized that along with the clothes, cosmetics, manicures, perfume and hair, I also needed to include a diet!

Now anytime I reached for food I asked myself, “What would a healthy woman eat?” Every time I made a correct choice, it connected me a tiny bit to my feminine side. No longer was making a healthy choice an act of self-denial, but instead, it was self-actualization and a step toward femininity. That realization made all the difference in my battle against weight.

As my weight dropped, I built a wardrobe and began to evolve as a woman. I started seeing a gender therapist and began to talk about my feelings openly. The guilt started to fade away. I began to accept the fact that I was transgender. I wasn’t doing anything wrong and I didn’t have to be ashamed about dressing as a woman. The world opened up to me.

What worked for me was simplicity. I live a busy life. My family has all kinds of foods and busy schedules. I didn’t go out and buy all kinds of diet food. Rather, I started counting calories.

Male bodies (unfortunately that’s what I’m working with here) burn 2000 calories a day if you don’t exercise. So I began slowly changing my diet. For example, for breakfast, instead of a cheese omelet, toast, butter, and bacon, I would have just eggs, maybe some mushrooms, and a slice of toast without butter. Then for lunch, maybe some soup and fruit, or a sandwich and some fruit. We are not even up to 1000 calories yet. Dinner just a small piece of meat, lots of vegetables and maybe some bread.

The trick is to eat different foods and get into a rhythm that is acceptable on a full-time basis. Your hunger will diminish and you will begin to lose weight. On weekends, I don’t go crazy but do enjoy nice dinners, pizza and maybe some beer.

Find an exercise that you can do regularly. If going to the gym is going to cause problems with your busy schedule, then find a niche of free time. I walk. I used to be a runner and laughed at walkers, but research will tell you that the benefits of walking are close to running. Best of all, I can do it anywhere. On the weekends, I can hike in the woods and during the week, I can trek through the office park. A half hour or an hour starts to slice off those 2000 calories.

Most importantly and listen closely here, if you do not enjoy exercise, you won’t keep it up. My walks are an escape. I enjoy them and feel as if something is missing if I don’t get that daily walk in.

The whole process is not rocket science. Eat healthier food, keep it under 2000 calories a day and exercise. The experts emphasize that diets do not work, but that eating healthy does work. I found a reason to eat healthy --- something that gave me more satisfaction than feasting: femininity.

 

Femulator

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Two femulators in Sweden (1967).

 

Femulate_Her_web

Shopbop

Wearing Zac Posen (dress) and Loeffler Randal (clutch).

Monday, June 3, 2013

My Art


I added a new link, my art, in the left sidebar and uploaded 290 images that you can view if you click on that link. The images are ones that I created for the blog.

Most of them are captioned photos, fumetti, or parodies that look at the humorous side of being trans. Caveat emptor: I thought they were humorous, or at least ironic, but your mileage may vary.

The upload is a work in progress. I need to edit the titles of the majority of images, but that should not stop you from viewing them.

After I finish with the titles, I plan to upload approximately 50 pieces of artwork that I created for my blogs and websites that predated Femulate.

Enjoy!




Christina Jaclyn

Christina Jaclyn, femulating Femulate reader.





DressBarn

Wearing DressBarn.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Bad News

2013-06-02 Last year, Fashion Bug announced that it was closing the doors on their chain of women's clothing stores.

Over the years, my wife and I did a lot of shopping at Fashion Bug; so much so that one store assistant manager asked me if I would like to be a model in one of their seasonal fashion shows.

I bought some very nice tops, sweaters, and dresses at Fashion Bug and they almost always had my size. Also, their sizes were very consistent; Size 12 fit the same no matter what item you tried on.

My favorite Fashion Bug purchase was a cocktail dress (see photo) that I found on a clearance rack. It was beautiful and I always received compliments when I wore it.

I miss the Bug and now I realized another one of my favorite clothing stores has fallen by the wayside: Newport-News.

I go way back with Newport-News --- so far back that I bought frocks from their mail-order catalog when they were called “Avon Fashions.” The first time I attended a trans support group meeting, I was wearing a Newport-News dress and over the years, my wardrobe has included many dresses, skirts, tops, and shoes from Newport-News, which I purchased at very reasonable prices.

Spiegel basically absorbed Newport-News and although it still uses the Newport-News brand at its online outlet store, Newport-News is essentially dead. Their URL (www.newport-news.com/‎) sends you to the Spiegel website, where you will find nothing new in the Newport-News line.

Like the Bug, I miss Newport-News and I also miss the old Spiegel. Their prices were always higher than Newport-News, but not sky-high as they are today. And worse, their sizes now run small --- so small that their largest sizes no longer fit me.

C'est la vie!

 

Femulator

Covington-County-Hospital-Collins-MS-2012-03-16-4

Contestant femulating in the Covington County (Mississippi) Hospital womanless beauty pageant, 2012.

 

Femulate_Her_web

Wearing Armani.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Taller than Usual

Over two months have passed since the last Famous Females of Height update. Thanks to three readers' input and my recent spate of watching old movies starring tall female actors, this update is longer than usual.

Alexis Smith Here are the tall additions to the list:

5'8" – Greta Gerwig  – actress – film, Lola Versus

5'8" – Bianca Kajlich  – actress – television, Rules of Engagement

5'9" - Alexis Smith (photo right) - actress - film, The Horn Blows at Midnight

5'10" - Haydyn Gwynne - royalty – Netherlands

5'10" - Princess Maxima - actress, UK - source Sarahjane

5'11" – Kate Bock – model – Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Rookie of the Year - source Joni Roberts

6'0" - Jessica Williams - actress - television, The Daily Show - source Meg

6'1" - Aimee Mullins - actress, athlete, model - According to Wikipedia, "She was born with a medical condition that resulted in the amputation of both of her lower legs" and she is "able to change her height between 5 ft 8 in and 6 ft 1 in by changing her (prosthetic) legs."

 

Femulator 

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Femulator attending the Atlanta Cotillion, 2009.

 

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hedy_lamarr

Hedy Lamarr, actress and radio pioneer.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Mid-Femme Mode

2013-05-31 Beth mentioned to me how she goes out to places like Starbucks or JCPenney in "mid-femme mode" presenting not fully woman, but with feminine clothes, purse, etc., and has no problem.

I love going out full femme, but it is a lot of work and I have often considered going out in mid-femme mode when I don't have enough prep time. For example, instead of spending an hour applying makeup, maybe just put on some mascara and lipstick, then grab my purse and see how it goes.

I am the most feminine boy I know, so my speech and mannerisms are in the right ballpark. If I wore a bra and heels with one of my androgynous boy outfits, I might be able to pull it off.

Mid-femme mode would be pushing the envelope in a different direction and would be an interesting experiment in femulation.

What’s your mid-femme mode?

 

Femulator

candy-darling-2013-05-28

Actress Candy Darling (1944-1974).

 

Femulate_Her_web

 

 

Spiegel

Wearing Spiegel.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Odds and Ends

Last Part of My Hamvention Story

This is the final installment of my adventures en femme at Hamvention and it contains random bits and pieces that did not fit in with the themes I covered in the previous installments of my story.

IMG_0302_web Perfect Check In

Since I have a credit card that has only my first name initial (S) and my full last name, I always make my hotel reservation using my female name when I plan to be en femme during a hotel stay. When I arrived at the hotel on Thursday and checked in at the front desk, the woman working the desk pronounced my first and last name perfectly.

Many people pronounce my first name as if it rhymes with "Nana," when it actually rhymes with "Donna" and I lost count how many ways people have botched my last name (it rhymes with Mxyzptlk)!

(The accompanying photo shows me in my hotel suite shortly after check-in.)

Grand Entrance

Saturday evening, I attended a banquet I had never attended before. The schedule stated that the hours of the banquet were 7:30 to 10 PM. I assumed that the 7:30 start time was the time that the banquet room opened for the attendees.

I was dressed to kill.

I drove a half hour through a thunderstorm to the hotel hosting the banquet and arrived at 7:30 sharp.

The hotel lobby was suspiciously empty. At most banquets, groups of people are hanging back before entering the banquet room, but not this time.

I entered the banquet room and realized 7:30 was the time that dinner was served. Every table was full of seated diners waiting for their table to be called for the buffet.

As this six-foot-two women in five-inch platform pumps entered the room, 250 heads turned to look at me! And they continued looking at me as I tried to find the table where my reserved seat was located.

I was not embarrassed, but I was a bit flustered trying to find my seat. Finally, the fellow who had invited me to sit at his table, saw my predicament and escorted me to my seat.

Eyelashed

I mentioned awhile back that I began wearing false eyelashes whenever I am en femme: not big drag queen eyelashes, but conservative eyelashes that give my eyes just a little extra oomph.

I pretty much have the hang of putting on the eyelashes unless I am in a hurry, as I found out during Hamvention.

Thursday morning, I had plenty of time to do my makeup and I put on my eyelashes without an issue.

Friday and Saturday mornings were rushed. I had to shave, shower, makeup, dress, and eat breakfast by 7 AM when my ride departed for the Hamvention site.

I botched up my eyelashes on Friday, but I was able to camouflage the botch with eyeliner.

Saturday was worse. I finally ripped off the lashes in disgust and threw them in the trash! I applied extra mascara to compensate.

Ham Radio in this Day and Age

Peter Lappin of  Male Pattern Boldness fame asked, "Would you mind mentioning at some point what ham radio operators actually DO in this age of the text message? -- or don't I understand what ham radio is; perhaps I don't!"

Basically, ham radio operators communicate with other ham radio operators around the world and around town using voice, text, or Morse code. In emergency situations (like floods, hurricanes, tornados, etc.), ham radio provides a valuable public service because it still functions when all other forms of communications (including cell phones) fail. As a result, emergency responders go to hams for reliable communications when everything else becomes unreliable.

This link describes ham radio in more detail.

 

Femulator

Actor Chris Williams (in white) femulating on television’s Ugly Betty in 2010.

 

Femulate_Her_web

ideeli

Wearing Donna Morgan.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Missed Boarding the Good Ship Lollipop

2013-05-29_matt_garber

It's amazing to me how Starla keeps finding more photos of high school boys dressing as girls for one reason or another.

Where was I when all this high school femulation was going on? I must have missed the day they were passing out tickets to board the Good Ship Lollipop at my high school.

But who am I kidding? Back then I did not have the nerve to femulate in public especially amongst my peers who already considered me a girl without having to femulate.

I guess I've changed during the past four decades. If my high school class ever has another reunion, you can be sure I would do like Bob Johnson in that old Holiday Inn Super Bowl commercial.

But I am getting off track.

Recently, Starla shipped me another collection of high school femulation images that she dug up out of online high school yearbooks.

Hands down, my favorite in this batch of 140 photos is the 1996 image (above) of Matt Garber from Coppell (Texas) High School. The photo's caption begs the question: Did other male students attend the prom wearing prom dresses, but without makeup? Needless to say, Miss Garber wins the High School Femulator Most Likely To Still Be Femulating Today Award.

I uploaded the new images to flickr and you may view them in two ways:

Method 1: Open one of the Yearbooks sets (A through Z) and you will find the newest uploads at the end/bottom of the set. (The oldest uploads appear at the beginning/top of the set.)

Method 2: Open my photostream and you will find the newest uploads at the top of page 1. The uploads get older as the page numbers get higher with the oldest uploads on the last page.

By the way, the contents of the Yearbook A through Z sets are organized according to school name, for example, the photos from Hard Knox High School would be in the Yearbooks H set.

 

Femulator

Femulating contestant performing during the talent competition at the Covington County (Mississippi) Hospital womanless beauty pageant, 2012.

 

Femulate_Her_web

Shopbop

Wearing Lover (dress) and Rebecca Minkoff (bag).

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Just Good Enough


I hope you enjoyed the long weekend break and the respite from my Hamvention stories. Despite the break, I did receive a few e-mails about my Hamvention experiences.

Beth wrote, "Thank you for reporting to us what sorts of responses you are getting from the ham populous… All I can say is that I continue to be amazed that you are accepted to the point that you are made to feel comfortable.  Quite simply, you continue to inspire."

My response was (more or less), "Thank you for your nice comments, Beth.

"I still find it hard to believe that the general population is so open-minded that they accept a tranny (me) in their midst all the time.

"I think I can attribute my success at being accepted to my ability to look just good enough so that people who might wonder about my cisgender are unsure and afraid to take that great leap and accuse me of being a man in a dress.

"For example, when I attended my first banquet at Hamvention, I was one of the first arrivals and was seated by myself. Two guys joined me; one was wearing a cowboy hat (atypical for southwestern Ohio) and the other was dressed like the trucker he actually was in a character T-shirt and jeans. They were both from Wyoming.

"In my mind, it was not the best case scenario. But we had pleasant chats throughout the evening and they treated me like a lady never giving the slightest hint that they had a clue.

"When I attended my second banquet at Hamvention, I was seated with three married couples and three single guys. While seated, two of the wives briefly and very quietly exchanged words, but I was able to hear the gist of what they said. One wife asked the other something about me ("her") and the other wife shrugged and said, "I don't know."

"Were they wondering about my cisgender or were they wondering if I was dating their friend, who was the guy who invited me to sit at their table or what? Whatever the case, they did not seem to have any problem with me.

"My life sure is interesting, if I say so myself!"



Professional femulator, circa 1955.


ShopBop

Wearing Vince (top), Calvin Klein Collection (skirt) and Pour La Victoire (shoes).

Friday, May 24, 2013

Very Comfortable in High Heels

Part 4 of My Hamvention Story

In the past, I have recounted my adventures en femme in sequential order, telling you what happened each day and night as it occurred. This time, I will try something different and describe a variety of vignettes in random order.

IMG_0348_web

I continued coming out to ham radio friends at Hamvention who I have not had an opportunity to come out to in the past. Their numbers are dwindling, but there are still a few stragglers out there in ham radio land.

As in the past, the people I came out to this year were fine with it. One fellow, who I have known for over 15 years (and who had no clue who I was until I pointed to my name on my badge) said, "As long as you are happy, that's all that counts."

The ham friends and acquaintances I came out to in past years are used to me. All refer to me as "Stana" and they all use the proper pronouns (she, her). One fellow slips up occasionally, but he is getting better all the time.

Two ham friends, who I have known for over 25 years are super-supportive. Whenever they see me, they are very enthusiastic and often complimentary. At our banquet Friday night, one of them said I looked "beautiful" and after he said that, I felt beautiful.

Some newer ham friends only know me as "Stana" and they are very cool with it. And my new female ham friends consider me part of their club and I am very cool with that.

More than one reader has remarked that they are surprised how well I have been accepted in the ham radio community, which tends to be more conservative rather than liberal. In addition, Dayton is about an hour from the Kentucky state line and as a result, Hamvention attracts a lot of attendees from the South, which also tends to be more conservative. So I had two strikes against me coming out to the Dayton crowd.

My first time at Hamvention 24/7 en femme in 2010, I felt a little uncomfortable going in, but my comfort level increased as I realized there was nothing to fear.

Now, I don't think about the fact I am en femme when I attend Hamvention because I am no longer en femme. My comfort level is such that I am complete as a person when I am en femme --- so complete that I am no longer en femme, rather I am a woman.

I love checking in and out of hotels as a woman. I love driving my car and pumping gas as a woman. I love dining and socializing with friends as a woman. I love doing everything as a woman because being a woman is my nature.

 

Femulator

Students femulating on stage at Indiana’s Tr-State College, 1911.

 

Femulate_Her_web

ideeli

Wearing Tahari Arthur S. Levine.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Joining a club that would have me as a member

Part 3  of My Hamvention Story

In the past, I have recounted my adventures en femme in sequential order, telling you what happened each day and night as it occurred. This time, I will try something different and describe a variety of vignettes in random order.

IMG_0319_web

There is a international ham radio organization that is intended for hams who have been licensed for 25 years or more. Since I have been licensed for over 43 years, I definitely meet the qualifications for membership and stopped by their booth to consider joining.

Two fellows attended to me and tried to convince me to join. After extolling all the virtues of joining, one fellow added that the club even has a sub-group for its female members.

After that remark, how could I not join.

My Readers at Hamvention

A surprising number of you who are hams and attended Hamvention, stopped by my booth to say hello. You know who you are and I thank you for making the effort.

Another reader e-mailed me that she attended Hamvention on Friday, but she could not find me and suggested that I should have mentioned which booth I staffed.

For reasons I won't go into, I do not mention the exact booth number here. However, as a hint, I have posted photos of me working the booth with my group's banner in the background. Read the banner and you will know which group I represent and the Hamvention program will tell you where my group's booth is located.

I never made it to the Friday night party that one reader invited me to attend. It began at 10 PM and by that time, I was well done and needed to go horizontal. (A lot of good that did me --- I only got about four hours' sleep.) Next day, I ran into the reader who invited me and her wife who is also a ham and explained why I was a no-show; they were very understanding.

One reader gets a special mention for an effort above and beyond the call of duty.

Midday Friday, I was exiting a forum and returning to my booth, when I heard someone call out my name.

I turned around and found the gent who was calling me. Turns out he is a long-time reader of Femulate, who came to the Hamvention just to meet me. He was not a ham and had no interest in Hamvention, yet he paid for parking ($5 to $10 depending on where he parked) and admission ($25) with no guarantee that he would find me among the 25,000 pocket protector wearers in attendance. Wow - what a fan!

For that effort, I was happy to chat with him (or her because she is one of us) as long as she wanted. She seemed genuinely happy to meet and chat with me; I just hope I met all her expectations and did not disappoint.

 

Femulator

Leslie-Hensen-Albert-Burdon-It's-a-Boy!-film-US-1933

Actors Leslie Hensen and Albert Burdon femulating in the 1933 film It's a Boy!

 

Femulate_Her_web

The Cut

Wearing Zuhair Murad.