Headmistress

After returning home from The Conference of Tolerance and Acceptance where I presented "Femulate: the Art of Becoming Womanly," my wife quizzed me about my day, particularly who attended my talk and what did they ask.

I told her all about it and later - after she had time to think about it - she said that I should be a "headmaster" for transgender kids.

"Wow - where did that come from?" I thought to myself.

Out loud, I said, "Yeah, but how do you get a job like that?"

She had no idea and neither did I.

It is something I would love to do, I just have to figure out a way to do it.

By the way, that was the first time in a very long time that I received a word of encouragement from my wife about me being en femme.

Another by the way, the photo up top shows me with Phoebe Scott at the Conference on Saturday. Phoebe mentors LGBT youth in Western Massachusetts. After she attended my workshop at the True Colors Conference last month, she asked if I would speak to her kids. I agreed, which resulted in my invitation to the Conference on Saturday.

Fashion Note: my dress and jewelry are from Avon, my shoes are from Nine West. Also, I loved Phoebe's outfit.

T News

Over the weekend, I added a new feature to the blog called "T News." It lists the latest transgender-related headlines with links to the rest of the stories wherever they may appear on the Internet. ("T News" is just below the Members photos in the sidebar.)

Today

I will be out en femme all day on Tuesday.

I want to pick up a few things for my upcoming Dayton trip, so I will visit some of my favorite stores in the morning.

In the afternoon, I will do outreach at two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.

You can expect a full report here in a day or two with photos, of course!

 

Andrej Pejić, male model.

Wearing Rochas.

Ramblin' Woman

On Saturday, I drove an hour north to Holyoke to attend and present at The Conference of Tolerance and Acceptance. The Holyoke Equal Rights Association (HERA) presented the event and invited all youth and their supportive adults to the free LGBTQ youth conference.

I was up early and fed our menagerie, then I ironed my dress, shaved my face, depilated my legs and arms with Veet, showered, did my makeup, dressed and was on the road by 9 AM.

On the way, I stopped at Shop & Stop to buy gas. Typical for a Saturday morning, each one of the six gas pumps had a customer, but I was the only one in high heel pumps!

In the recent past, I would make sure I gassed up in boy mode before a roadtrip en femme, so this was another baby step taken for me en femme. By the way, this Shop & Stop is where I regularly buy gas. I recognized the attendant in the cashier booth, but I don't believe he recognized me.

I arrived at Holyoke High School at 10:15, checked in at the registration table and encountered Phoebe Scott, the woman who attended my workshop at the True Colors Conference and asked if I would speak with the youth groups she mentors. She was responsible for my invitation to the Holyoke conference.

We chatted briefly then Phoebe pointed me in the direction of the cafeteria where I got a cup of coffee. I need to get out more because I did not know how to get coffee out of the cardboard box from Dunkin' Donuts.

The Holyoke police officer assigned to the school noticed my predicament and came to the rescue of the woman in distress. After rescuing me, Officer Sustache and I had a pleasant chat and he said he would attend my workshop (which he did).

Then I chatted with two Sheila's! One Sheila was a presenter from Northampton, who planned to talk about Shamanism and the concept of two spirits. I was very interested and attended her workshop at 11 AM.

The second Sheila had ferried a group of youths to the Conference from Leominster. We chatted until the Conference got rolling at 11. She was very interested in my "story."

There were 50 to 75 attendees and four sets of workshops beginning at 11 AM and ending at 4 PM. My workshop, "Femulate, the Art of Becoming Womanly," was in the 1 PM/after lunch slot. About a dozen people attended, which I assume was typical because the other workshops I attended each had a dozen attendees more or less.

I basically rambled on for an hour about my en femme life in the trenches interspersed with anecdotes, tips, and Q&A. If smiles and occasional laughter is any indication, most of the attendees seemed to like my workshop; a few even came up to me afterwords to say how much they enjoyed it.

There are three photos of my workshop on HERA's Facebook page. The one at the top of this post is my favorite; another shows the attendees and the third one is similar to the one above. Oddly, I was so absorbed in my presentation that I did not notice anyone taking photos!

After my workshop, I attended Phoebe's excellent workshop at 3 PM. Titled "Revamping the Gender Perspective, according to the online description, it was "a workshop on understanding the gender spectrum and where you fall! Using our understanding(s) of stereotypes and playing with gender expression, we will explore and learn about gender identities in a fun and interactive way."

After that workshop, I said my goodbyes. Although I drove to Holyoke in heels, my feet needed relief by 4 PM, so I switched to flats and drove home after having another fun and very rewarding day as a woman.

Actor Sydney Chaplin femulating in the 1925 film Charley's Aunt.

Actress Hayley Mills femulating in the 1967 film A Matter of Innocence.

Two of a Kind

She wears the pants

Emasculated

"Femulate and the Emasculation of Men" turned up in a recent Internet search. Turns out it is the title of a post that appeared on Emasculated, a blog "discussing issues facing men in society."

Emasculated is very interesting especially if you are a girl like me. It touches upon a wide range of topics related to the emasculization of males, such as "Feminine Men," "Demale," "Emasculated Husbands," "Male Femininity and Gender Role Reversal," etc.

The blog is strictly text-based --- all words, no pictures, but the words are thoughtful and do not require pictures.

Check it out; I believe you will find Emasculated worthwhile.

Actor Errol Flynn (center) escorts Miss Robert Mitchum (left) and Miss Burt Lancaster (right) at a Hollywood star drag gala, circa 1950.

 

Wearing Spiegel.

I’m a Man

Steve Martin's 1984 epic The Lonely Guy tells the story of a "writer for a greeting card company" who "learns the true meaning of loneliness when he comes home to find his girlfriend in bed with another man."

The film contained one of those fleeting trans moments that has stuck with me forever. I only saw the film once back in 1984 and I was never sure about the trans moment. Did I see what I thought I saw or did I miss something?

To solve the 29-year-old mystery, I rented the film and watched it last night.

Approximately 12 minutes into the film, Steve's character is hunting for a new apartment. With real estate agent in tow, he finds an apartment he likes.

After agreeing to the terms of the lease, he exits the apartment. But just as he walks out the door, he asks the realtor out for dinner.

The realtor comes back with, "I'm a man."

The realtor (see photos) wore a skirt suit, makeup, a short, but decidedly female hairdo, and had a voice that most people would categorize as female. The actor portraying the realtor was a woman (Julie Payne).

Go figure.

Anyway, I found this trans moment interesting in light of our recent posts about femulators working as women.

Actor David Huffman working as a woman in television’s T. J. Hooker, 1984.

 

Wearing Parker.

In Your Dreams?

Long-time Femulate reader Pat wrote recently about her dreams and wondered about yours.

From time to time you have written about your dreams.

Most of my dreams have my crossdressing as a central theme. This has always been the case for me, but about two to three years ago, I used Chantix to help me kick a long-time smoking habit. One noted side effect of this drug was the potential for "vivid dreams."

They were not kidding. The dreams that I had when on that drug were frequent, memorable, amazingly vivid and almost always centered on my crossdressing. Those dreams were so memorable and enjoyable that I started writing them down and now I have a rather extensive dream log.

I just made another entry in my log about a dream I had this past weekend.

There was an item picked up be several news outlets about some people taking issue with Target regarding a gray dress that was being offered online. It seems that in the regular sizes, this dress was described as "Dark Heather Gray," but the same dress in plus sizes was described as "Manatee Gray."

A manatee is a wonderful, gentle aquatic creature that grows to several hundred pounds and is known as a "Sea Cow." It seems that some of Target's "plus-size patrons" took offense to the plus-size dress being offered as "Manatee (Sea Cow) Gray" rather than "Heather Gray." In response, Target pulled the dress off its website in both plus and regular sizes.

The evening before my dream, my wife and I discussed our weekend plans which included a dinner out and perhaps a movie. My dream was vivid in colors and also in sound/dialog. I was dressed in a very pretty dark "Manatee Gray" dress with a pink floral (roses) pattern. It was lined and my wife commented that it was of rather high quality since it came from Target. I told her that it had a great price for the quality of the dress. I also had on beige hose and classic high heel pink pumps that matched the flowers on the dress.

In the dream, we had a wonderful dinner in a nice restaurant. After dinner we decided to go to the movies. My wife chided me about being slightly overdressed for dinner and that I was surely overdressed for the movies. In the dream I kept the dress on, changed to off-black hose and dark gray pumps, removed some jewelry, added a plain black jacket and was now only moderately overdressed for the movies.

After entering this dream in my log, I looked back at my prior entries and almost all of them had a direct connection to real-life events.

My question to you and your readers is whether your femulating dreams are more vivid than other dreams and whether your femulating dreams have connections to events or images that derive from what is going on in your life around the time of the dream?

What was even more interesting about my dream is that it happened the night before we went out to dinner. It was very lifelike and bore a heavy resemblance to the places that we went to after the dream.

It seems like some of my dreams presage actual events. I am not sure if that is an actual premonition or simply wishful thinking.

By the way, as a "plus-size patron," I was not offended at the reference to "Manatee Gray." I'm curious if you or your readers found the Target labeling snafu to be unsettling. (In my view, some people are a bit too sensitive.)

Femulating 100 years ago.

Wearing Metrostyle.

Busy Girl

Saturday, I will present a workshop, "Femulate, the Art of Becoming Womanly" at The Conference of Tolerance and Acceptance in Holyoke, Mass.

Tuesday, I will do outreach at two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.

May 4, I will attend the Stonewall Speakers' Bash in Hamden, Conn.  to celebrate the 25th anniversary of that organization.

One month from today, I will be driving to Dayton, Ohio to attend the annual Hamvention (the biggest ham radio convention in the world) that runs from May 17 to 19.

The roadrip to Dayton is approximately 750 miles. In my youth, I would drive from home to Dayton in one day. As I aged, I discovered that when the Hamvention started on Friday, I was tired from 12 hours on the road the day before. So the past few years, I drive about 8 hours on Wednesday, get a good night's rest and drive the remaining 4 hours on Thursday. As a result, I am well-rested to take on the convention on Friday.

I enjoy my life as a woman for those five days serving as a booth babe, seeing old friends and new technologies, attending talks and banquets, and meeting with the other directors of the organization I represent for our bi-annual in-person board meeting.

I also do a lot of thinking during the long hours on the road. As the New York radio stations fade away, I begin thinking about where I have been and where I am going on --- especially where I am going in this adventure I have been living.

I love being able to live as a woman and I am so glad that I came out as I did to give me more opportunities to experience life as the woman I really am.

       

Actors Scott Baio, Heather Thomas, and Douglas Barr femulating for the “Femme Fatale” episode of television’s The Fall Guy, 1985.

Wearing Elizabeth and James.

7 Million

Overnight, the hit counter for this old blog incremented past the 7 million mark!

So, thank you all for visiting this blog and making it a success.

Fit

I have had no luck buying online lately.

Two dresses I bought from Spiegel last month went back for a refund because they were too small. Two dresses I bought from ideeli this month went back for the same reason.

Sizes are all over the map. Not only do sizes from different makers differ, but sizes from the same maker differ! And this phenomena is not an online aberration; I’ve experienced the same problems in brick and mortar stores.

So last week, I hesitated ordering the Albert Nipon suit pictured in the photo above. This is a $395 100% silk suit that ideeli had on close-out for $130. The description claimed that the brand is “true to size,” so I took a chance and ordered it in my “true size,” which is 18.

The suit arrived on Thursday and when I opened the box, I was impressed with the beauty and quality of the suit. But would it fit?

I slipped out of my boy clothes, then slipped into my girl undies, held my breath and tried on the suit.

It fit!

I happily hung it in my closet and plan to wear it to one (or both) of the banquets I will attend next month at the Hamvention in Dayton.

 

Professional femulator Lypsinka appearing in the 1997 film Dragtime.

 

 

Wearing Lisa Perry.

Lucky Girl!

Sorry - she's at work.

Technical Difficulties

On Thursday, IT changed my computer operating system from Windows XP to Windows 7. During the process, I lost all unanswered e-mails sent to me between Wednesday evening and Thursday evening (US Eastern Daylight Saving Time).

If you e-mailed me during that time and have not received a response by now, your e-mail was probably one that was lost, so please resend your e-mail. Thank-you!

Through the Glass Ceiling in Reverse – Part 2

Last Wednesday, my friend Rhonda wrote about her life as "A Working Woman." Her story generated a lot of questions and I am pleased that Rhonda offered to answer them here. The second part of her answers follows; part 1 appeared here yesterday.  

Part 2 – Paperwork

So how did I handle the paperwork involved with employment as a woman?

First, let’s go back to the volunteer jobs. Typical small organizations are so happy to have the help that they require little or no documentation --- maybe just a sign-in sheet. They are not going to ask you for identification to help fold chairs and clean up.

Be friendly and helpful. If you feel uncomfortable with overzealous questioning, say "no" and apply your efforts somewhere else. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Non-profit organization always need and love volunteers.

Full-time employment is different.

Here are some of the issues I have faced and suggestions for working around them (your mileage may vary).

On the first day of the job I provided a letter of disclosure. When you provide disclosure, assume that the hiring manager knows nothing about being transgender. Choose your words carefully and define terms as they apply to you. Very few outside of our transgender community have any feeling as to what motivates us.

I also provided a brief rationalization with some humor. Here is an example:

"High-level computer and management consulting positions became nonexistent after outsourcing and the great recession. It was obvious that resourcefulness was going to be needed (1) to use my existing skill set and (2) to find an interesting and motivating position. What began as exploration into gender expression, evolved into a desire for full-time utilization. Not wanting to travel exclusively as I had done in the past and seeking stable employment, I decided to seek non-profit work locally. The skills are the same; I just decided to do a little different packaging."

I prefaced my disclosure document by describing it as medically-sensitive information. Savvy hiring managers/personnel offices understand this terminology and will keep the information confidential, thus, they will not share it with either your direct supervisor or peers. That is your best-case scenario and did happen at one job where the organization was large.

Be aware that you will have to give you full legal name, show your legal Social Security card, state driver’s license and in some circumstances, proof of auto insurance and a birth certificate. Larger organizations are under strict requirements to obey the law. Unless you have had a legal name change, surgery, and have full new documentation including college transcript, be prepared to provide full disclosure.

Provide disclosure only at the time of a formal offer, thus limiting your exposure if they are not going to hire you under any circumstances. Up to that point, let them assume whatever they like and hope that their “needs” exceeds their prejudices. Hiring is so subjective that there is little else you can do. Stealth is not much of an option unless you are fully transitioned and your paperwork is impeccable.

So has it all been worth it?

Absolutely! After two years as an administrative assistant, I moved on to a database job at a well-known regional art museum. The director of fundraising left during my third year there and went on to another fundraising position. Shortly thereafter, he called and asked if I would like to be the office manager at his new organization. (A great vote of confidence!) I accepted and have held that position for two years.

Yes, dreams can come true. “All dressed up and somewhere to go.”

And I wish you "good luck" making your dreams come true, too.

 

Actor portraying Miss Texas on stage in Pageant, The Musical.

 

Wearing Spiegel.

Through the Glass Ceiling in Reverse

  Rhonda at work in 2005.

Last Wednesday, my friend Rhonda wrote about her life as "A Working Woman." Her story generated a lot of questions and I am pleased that Rhonda offered to answer them here. The first part of her answers follows; part 2 will follow tomorrow.

Part 1 - Volunteering

Many have asked for some details on just how Rhonda accomplished dual citizenship in the land of femininity.

First, let me thank my lucky star for the stubborn attitude I was born with. I knew very young that one gender was not going to contain me. I remember having dolls, kitchen sets and staging elaborate tea parties for my dolls. I remember my mother having beautiful shoes and at every opportunity, I would dress up in her chiffon and silk dresses and heels. Oh, it felt wonderful. But I also remember my outdoor sand box. There I had trucks, tractors and miniature road building equipment. Hours on end, I built roads, bridges and move my tiny trucks back and forth. The dirtier I got, the happier I became.

There was a neighbor whose granddaughter visited the country for several weeks every summer. She was a year older than I and we played together for hours. She was quite the “tomboy” as they described rough and tumble girls back then and in a way, I related to her. Not that I was rough and tumble, quite the opposite, but because she could be both girl and boy. She could dress up in beautiful dresses on Sunday, but during the week she was climbing trees with me. So the concept of being both goes back a while.

Later in life, after years of getting over the guilt and practicing a feminine look/attitude, I ventured out. Much to my amazement, the Earth did not fall off its axis. In fact few noticed and just being Rhonda became a wonderful entertaining routine.

As in one of the e-mails I received this week, “You can only go to the mall so many times”. So I ventured out to museums and cultural events. I love classical piano music and became a member of the local piano guild. There were weekly concerts and the music was delightful. I met wonderful, enlightened, and happy people.

After one of the concerts I stayed, helped put away chairs, and cleaned up the refreshments – so that became a routine. I was asked if I could get there early and help with tickets, so I had another opportunity to meet people. No task was too insignificant and I volunteered to help stuff membership and invitation envelopes. Ultimately I became a board member and made many valuable and lasting friendships. Plus the music was wonderful.

I did the same attending and volunteering for the local jazz society and volunteered to serve refreshments at a local art museum. This expanded my circle of friends, gave me more opportunities to be out and built my confidence. Several part-time jobs opened up and I gladly accepted them, now back in my field of computer setup and database research.

One of my fellow volunteers at the art museum mentioned that she had a new job and asked if I would interested in her old job. I had already volunteered there, so I knew the job and manager. I interviewed and was hired in the fundraising office as an administrate assistant! I loved it. I kept that job for over two years until the office moved.

 

Actors Allan Zinyk and Peter Jorgenson femulating on stage in Leading Ladies in 2008.

 

Wearing J. Mendel.

My Short Extended Real Life Experiences

On Monday, Katie left a comment to my January 30th "It is hard work being a woman every day" post.

Katie wrote, "I am very interested in finding out more about your experience when you said, 'I have lived 24/7 as a woman for short extended periods of time.' I also had spent some time as a woman 24/7 a number of years ago...it was a product of my being madly in love with a boy (only time I was ever attracted to a guy), and not having money to pay for both grad school tuition and rent. I kinda just ended up being his live-in girlfriend for a few months."

My real life experience was nothing like Katie's in either the length of time or the situation.

The longest I have lived full-time in my preferred gender identity was when I attended Fantasia Fair for 7 days in 2009, but I discount that experience because the people who live and work at the site of the Fair, that is, Provincetown, MA, are aware that the transgenders are in town for week. Every tall female stranger is a suspected tranny and nobody passes.

How can you have a real life experience in your preferred gender identity if almost everyone you interact with knows your assigned at birth gender?

Although Fantasia Fair is a lot of fun and a great experience, it is not a real life experience. Similarly, the three-, four- and five-day weekend trans conventions I attended in the past are not real life experiences.

I can count my extended real life experiences on one hand.

My 2009 five-day stay in New York City to attend a workshop related to my profession.

My 2010, 2011 and 2012 five-day trips to Dayton, Ohio to attend a weekend long non-trans convention.

In the case of my New York City trip, I took AMTRAK in and out of the city in boy mode, whereas I drive from Connecticut to Dayton en femme each time. And I will do so again next month.

I just reread my blog posts about those extended stays in my preferred gender. Reading what I wrote years ago is revealing, especially with regards to the change in my confidence level. Back in 2009 after I arrived in NYC, I was ready to abandon ship at any time. Last year in Dayton, it was damn the torpedoes... there was no stopping me!

If you would like to read about those experiences, I documented the NYC trip here. Dayton in 2010 is in three parts: (1) (2) (3); Dayton 2011 is five parts (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) and Dayton last year is in four parts (1) (2) (3) (4).

Enjoy!

 

Alexander Bekker, male model.

 

Wearing JB by Julia Brown.