Sorry - she's at work.

Technical Difficulties

On Thursday, IT changed my computer operating system from Windows XP to Windows 7. During the process, I lost all unanswered e-mails sent to me between Wednesday evening and Thursday evening (US Eastern Daylight Saving Time).

If you e-mailed me during that time and have not received a response by now, your e-mail was probably one that was lost, so please resend your e-mail. Thank-you!

Through the Glass Ceiling in Reverse – Part 2

Last Wednesday, my friend Rhonda wrote about her life as "A Working Woman." Her story generated a lot of questions and I am pleased that Rhonda offered to answer them here. The second part of her answers follows; part 1 appeared here yesterday.  

Part 2 – Paperwork

So how did I handle the paperwork involved with employment as a woman?

First, let’s go back to the volunteer jobs. Typical small organizations are so happy to have the help that they require little or no documentation --- maybe just a sign-in sheet. They are not going to ask you for identification to help fold chairs and clean up.

Be friendly and helpful. If you feel uncomfortable with overzealous questioning, say "no" and apply your efforts somewhere else. Nothing lost, nothing gained. Non-profit organization always need and love volunteers.

Full-time employment is different.

Here are some of the issues I have faced and suggestions for working around them (your mileage may vary).

On the first day of the job I provided a letter of disclosure. When you provide disclosure, assume that the hiring manager knows nothing about being transgender. Choose your words carefully and define terms as they apply to you. Very few outside of our transgender community have any feeling as to what motivates us.

I also provided a brief rationalization with some humor. Here is an example:

"High-level computer and management consulting positions became nonexistent after outsourcing and the great recession. It was obvious that resourcefulness was going to be needed (1) to use my existing skill set and (2) to find an interesting and motivating position. What began as exploration into gender expression, evolved into a desire for full-time utilization. Not wanting to travel exclusively as I had done in the past and seeking stable employment, I decided to seek non-profit work locally. The skills are the same; I just decided to do a little different packaging."

I prefaced my disclosure document by describing it as medically-sensitive information. Savvy hiring managers/personnel offices understand this terminology and will keep the information confidential, thus, they will not share it with either your direct supervisor or peers. That is your best-case scenario and did happen at one job where the organization was large.

Be aware that you will have to give you full legal name, show your legal Social Security card, state driver’s license and in some circumstances, proof of auto insurance and a birth certificate. Larger organizations are under strict requirements to obey the law. Unless you have had a legal name change, surgery, and have full new documentation including college transcript, be prepared to provide full disclosure.

Provide disclosure only at the time of a formal offer, thus limiting your exposure if they are not going to hire you under any circumstances. Up to that point, let them assume whatever they like and hope that their “needs” exceeds their prejudices. Hiring is so subjective that there is little else you can do. Stealth is not much of an option unless you are fully transitioned and your paperwork is impeccable.

So has it all been worth it?

Absolutely! After two years as an administrative assistant, I moved on to a database job at a well-known regional art museum. The director of fundraising left during my third year there and went on to another fundraising position. Shortly thereafter, he called and asked if I would like to be the office manager at his new organization. (A great vote of confidence!) I accepted and have held that position for two years.

Yes, dreams can come true. “All dressed up and somewhere to go.”

And I wish you "good luck" making your dreams come true, too.

 

Actor portraying Miss Texas on stage in Pageant, The Musical.

 

Wearing Spiegel.

Through the Glass Ceiling in Reverse

  Rhonda at work in 2005.

Last Wednesday, my friend Rhonda wrote about her life as "A Working Woman." Her story generated a lot of questions and I am pleased that Rhonda offered to answer them here. The first part of her answers follows; part 2 will follow tomorrow.

Part 1 - Volunteering

Many have asked for some details on just how Rhonda accomplished dual citizenship in the land of femininity.

First, let me thank my lucky star for the stubborn attitude I was born with. I knew very young that one gender was not going to contain me. I remember having dolls, kitchen sets and staging elaborate tea parties for my dolls. I remember my mother having beautiful shoes and at every opportunity, I would dress up in her chiffon and silk dresses and heels. Oh, it felt wonderful. But I also remember my outdoor sand box. There I had trucks, tractors and miniature road building equipment. Hours on end, I built roads, bridges and move my tiny trucks back and forth. The dirtier I got, the happier I became.

There was a neighbor whose granddaughter visited the country for several weeks every summer. She was a year older than I and we played together for hours. She was quite the “tomboy” as they described rough and tumble girls back then and in a way, I related to her. Not that I was rough and tumble, quite the opposite, but because she could be both girl and boy. She could dress up in beautiful dresses on Sunday, but during the week she was climbing trees with me. So the concept of being both goes back a while.

Later in life, after years of getting over the guilt and practicing a feminine look/attitude, I ventured out. Much to my amazement, the Earth did not fall off its axis. In fact few noticed and just being Rhonda became a wonderful entertaining routine.

As in one of the e-mails I received this week, “You can only go to the mall so many times”. So I ventured out to museums and cultural events. I love classical piano music and became a member of the local piano guild. There were weekly concerts and the music was delightful. I met wonderful, enlightened, and happy people.

After one of the concerts I stayed, helped put away chairs, and cleaned up the refreshments – so that became a routine. I was asked if I could get there early and help with tickets, so I had another opportunity to meet people. No task was too insignificant and I volunteered to help stuff membership and invitation envelopes. Ultimately I became a board member and made many valuable and lasting friendships. Plus the music was wonderful.

I did the same attending and volunteering for the local jazz society and volunteered to serve refreshments at a local art museum. This expanded my circle of friends, gave me more opportunities to be out and built my confidence. Several part-time jobs opened up and I gladly accepted them, now back in my field of computer setup and database research.

One of my fellow volunteers at the art museum mentioned that she had a new job and asked if I would interested in her old job. I had already volunteered there, so I knew the job and manager. I interviewed and was hired in the fundraising office as an administrate assistant! I loved it. I kept that job for over two years until the office moved.

 

Actors Allan Zinyk and Peter Jorgenson femulating on stage in Leading Ladies in 2008.

 

Wearing J. Mendel.

My Short Extended Real Life Experiences

On Monday, Katie left a comment to my January 30th "It is hard work being a woman every day" post.

Katie wrote, "I am very interested in finding out more about your experience when you said, 'I have lived 24/7 as a woman for short extended periods of time.' I also had spent some time as a woman 24/7 a number of years ago...it was a product of my being madly in love with a boy (only time I was ever attracted to a guy), and not having money to pay for both grad school tuition and rent. I kinda just ended up being his live-in girlfriend for a few months."

My real life experience was nothing like Katie's in either the length of time or the situation.

The longest I have lived full-time in my preferred gender identity was when I attended Fantasia Fair for 7 days in 2009, but I discount that experience because the people who live and work at the site of the Fair, that is, Provincetown, MA, are aware that the transgenders are in town for week. Every tall female stranger is a suspected tranny and nobody passes.

How can you have a real life experience in your preferred gender identity if almost everyone you interact with knows your assigned at birth gender?

Although Fantasia Fair is a lot of fun and a great experience, it is not a real life experience. Similarly, the three-, four- and five-day weekend trans conventions I attended in the past are not real life experiences.

I can count my extended real life experiences on one hand.

My 2009 five-day stay in New York City to attend a workshop related to my profession.

My 2010, 2011 and 2012 five-day trips to Dayton, Ohio to attend a weekend long non-trans convention.

In the case of my New York City trip, I took AMTRAK in and out of the city in boy mode, whereas I drive from Connecticut to Dayton en femme each time. And I will do so again next month.

I just reread my blog posts about those extended stays in my preferred gender. Reading what I wrote years ago is revealing, especially with regards to the change in my confidence level. Back in 2009 after I arrived in NYC, I was ready to abandon ship at any time. Last year in Dayton, it was damn the torpedoes... there was no stopping me!

If you would like to read about those experiences, I documented the NYC trip here. Dayton in 2010 is in three parts: (1) (2) (3); Dayton 2011 is five parts (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) and Dayton last year is in four parts (1) (2) (3) (4).

Enjoy!

 

Alexander Bekker, male model.

 

Wearing JB by Julia Brown.

Another 101 Gal-Emulations

Starla did it again and repeated the feat of finding another 101 gal-emulation images in online high school yearbooks. [The photos above are my picks for High School Femulator Most Likely To Still Be Femulating Today (HSFMLTSBFT).]

I uploaded the new 101 gal-emulation images to flickr. To view the latest additions to the collection:

Method 1: Open one of the Yearbooks sets (A through Z) and you will find the newest uploads at the end/bottom of the set. (The oldest uploads appear at the beginning/top of the set.)

Method 2: Open my photostream and you will find the newest uploads at the top of page 1. The uploads get older as the page numbers get higher with the oldest uploads on the last page.

By the way, the contents of the Yearbook A through Z sets are organized according to school name, for example, the photos from Hard Knox High School would be in the Yearbooks H set.

 

The amazing femulating male model, Andrej Pejic.

 

Singer Taylor Swift wearing Kaufmanfranco (dress) and Christian Louboutin (shoes).

Conference of Tolerance and Acceptance

I will be attending and presenting a workshop at the Conference of Tolerance and Acceptance on Saturday, April 20 at Holyoke High School in Holyoke, Mass. The Holyoke Equal Rights Association (HERA) is presenting the event and invites all youth from the ages of 13-20 and their supportive adults to join this free, fun, and positive LGBTQ youth conference.

The Conference runs from 10 AM to 5 PM. My presentation will be "Femulate: The Art of Becoming Womanly."

The Conference is on Facebook.

Author F. Scott Fitzgerald femulating on stage in a Princeton University production, The Evil Eye, 1916.

Actress Charlize Theron wearing Dior.

Transgirl Allowed to Wear Dress to Prom

Tony Zamazai

"I'm actually going to be able to go to prom as who I really am."

With the help of the ACLU, transgirl Tony Zamazai will attend her prom at Spring High School in Houston dressed appropriately as a female.
This story came to me by way of Google and some of you readers (thank-you).

What is remarkable to me about the story is the reporting by KTRK TV, the ABC affiliate in Houston. The reporters got the pronouns correct referring to the student as "she" or "her" as appropriate despite the incongruity of her appearing in boy mode throughout the story.

KUHF FM and Houston Chronicle also got the pronouns correct.

Now that's progress!

On the other hand, the Fox and CBS affiliates in Houston used the wrong pronouns.

Shame on them.

Surprise!

AKA Miss Kent

A Reminder

The photo accompanying this post was taken in the lobby of my workplace when I went to work en femme this past Halloween. If you were reading this blog back then, I used the photo in my blog post about that day at work. In my opinion, it was my best photo that day.

Since I usually do not go to work en femme, I wanted a reminder of when I do, so I made a 5 x 7 print of the photo, mounted it in a wooden frame and it now sits on my desk in my cubicle at work.

It is wonderful to start the day at work seeing yourself the way you were meant to be. It also inspires me whenever I feel down and need a little kick in the derriere.

No one had said a word about the photo. I did notice a few people checking out the photo, especially a couple of guys who missed my Halloween appearance, but no one has asked, "Who's that?" or "Is that you?" I assume they already know it's me.

I wonder if anyone would say anything if I changed the photo to one of me en femme not taken last Halloween?

Happy Birthday, Jane Asher

Luiss San-Murguia, male model.

 

Wearing Spiegel.

Thor’s Day

Comedian Jimmy Fallon femulating Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, 2012.

 

Actress Emmy Rossum wearing Temperley London (dress) and Rupert Sanderson (heels).

A Working Woman

My thoughts about going to work en femme on a regular basis generated a lot of comments and e-mails including the following from my friend Rhonda, who does go to work en femme on a regular basis.

Hi Stana,

I very much appreciate you dilemma. Our need for self-expression and fulfillment does present quite a challenge especially when positive reinforcement seems to follow us everywhere.

I have always viewed my extra-gender activity as visits into the land of femininity. I guess it started very young viewing travel brochures (catalogues), progressed to quick visits and now I see myself as having a full travel visa. I visit at will and enjoy every blessed moment.

Would I ever want to live full time in the land of femininity? The thought has crossed my mind as extended visits have occurred and with the fact that I actually work full time there. Yes, dreams sometime come true. As with any extended trip, I am usually happy to have the option to return home. There I have family, friends, and obligations. Like you, I have made promises to others and myself.

Gender discovery and the progression as I see it, does not have to be a “either/or.” Why not both? We already know that our internal operating systems (masculine/feminine) are much more flexible than most, so why limit ourselves.

Eery morning I get dressed, put on my makeup, do my hair and go to work as any other woman would. There I interact in the office in a rather mundane way, do my assigned tasks, and enjoy every moment. There I am only known only as “Rhonda” and as an event coordinator and fundraiser. Much public contact is involved - evening dinners, cocktail receptions and private gatherings to mention just a few.

Do my constituents know? Maybe, but with confidence and a friendly attitude, I make it work. There have been weekend events and travel to business conferences that have made my time in the land of femininity seem to be extended stays but still, I return home. It is nice to have that option.

At the end of the day, I shower and comb the hair back into a masculine look. Some time after, I look into the mirror and see a sad man, but secondary comfort levels return. On weekends when I do not have business commitments, I wash the car, have woodworking and repair projects, and relax with my family unencumbered by my other life. I know that his type of integration might not be for everyone. Some see only fulfillment in being “true to yourself,” but I see reality in also being true to my commitments as well as self.

“If you look this good as a woman, why bother being a man?” Because you still enjoy it. You still have a home and family there. Be both, enjoy both, live both.

As a follow-up to her wonderful e-mail, I had to ask, "How does your family (especially your spouse) feel about you working en femme? How did you negotiate that?" Rhonda kindly replied.

I retired in 2001 after many years of IT consulting, traveling and too much general wear and tear on my body. My wife was already retired and the both of us home all day was just not going to work. To have back her quiet day, my wife was at that point to accept (willingly) anything. I started volunteering as Rhonda and from that came many job offers in the non-profit world.

Volunteering led to part time – part time led to full time and thus, a career in fundraising (8+ years now). I love what I do; I feel like I am giving back and “all dressed up and somewhere to go.”

I cannot overstate how  understanding and open my wife is. I honestly do not see myself retiring again anytime soon. As long as I am viable, enjoy the work and can make a reasonable presentation, I plan on continuing.

Happy Birthday, Jan Berry

Agus Beluchi, male model.

 

Wearing Jones New York.

Catching Up in My Platform Pumps

Combine the holiday weekend with a goal of finishing my income taxes once and for all and everything else suffered including my blog and e-mail correspondence.

My taxes are done and last night I caught up with my e-mail correspondence. However, I believe that one or two e-mails slipped through the cracks and got trashed inadvertently. So if you e-mailed me last week and have not received a reply, please resend your e-mail.

The blog will resume its normally scheduled programming, too.

So let's talk about shoes.

I ordered two pairs from Nine West that showed up at my abode in early January, but I only had an opportunity to wear them in real life recently.

I wore my buff "Flute" peep-toe pumps (all leather upper, 4 1/2" heel and 3/4" platform) all day-long at the True Colors Conference. They were comfortable throughout the day and I only took them off and slipped on flats while driving.

But - and this is a big BUT – my left shoe kept slipping off my foot! I had to grip my toes when I walked so I did not lose the shoe.

After that experience, I invested in a pair of heel gripper inserts. I have not worn the Flutes since, so the jury is still out on how well the gripper works, but I hope they work because I love my Flutes.

The other pair I bought, the black patent "Love Fury" (pointy-toe platform pump with all leather upper, 4 1/2" heel and 3/4" platform) worried me because of their pointy-toe design. I prefer rounded-toe designs because they usually are more comfortable than pointy-toe, but this girl needed a new pair of black patent heels (wore out my old pair) and pointy-toes are in again, so Love Fury was my choice.

I decided to break them in while I was home doing my taxes. My tax routine is to wrestle with TurboTax for an hour or so, mumble something obscene under my breath in the direction of the computer, then take a break for a half-hour or so (get coffee, get rid of coffee, etc.). As a result, I am not sitting all day long, but am moving around occasionally.

Turns out my Love Fury pumps are very comfortable and unlike my Flutes, they stayed on my feet. Now I can't wait to wear them out!

Two Tone Tuesday*

Actor James Franco femulating again (2011).

Vintage 1950s fashions.

* In honor of Helen's en|Gender, which just turned 10-years-old.

Don't Be Fooled Again

A Femulate classick!

She's At That Age