Internalized Transphobia

“…we have been exploring, among other things, how internalized homophobia and transphobia develops from us internalizing the voices of our bullies and then turning those voices onto ourselves and each other. Our internalized bullies police behavior, appearance and actions, judging each other as harshly as we've learned to judge ourselves. A really good example of this occurred over a year ago, when a trans woman commenting on a piece I had written said that she wished I would stop calling myself a transgender woman. She said that I will never pass as a woman and that she wished I would just go away. When we police each other's abilities to pass, we are expressing our own internalized sense of shame about who we are. This is just one of many ways our internalized transphobia effects the way we treat each other.”

So wrote Laverne Cox in an excellent article, Hung Up on Bullies: Internalized Transphobia, that you can read here on The Huffington Post.

I really don’t care

After dieting my feet for three weeks, I concluded that my feet are never going to fit comfortably into the red and black patent Mary Janes that I bought at Nine West last month.

(Why I thought that they fit ok when I tried them on in the store is a mystery.)

So, during my lunch hour Tuesday, I dashed to the Nine West store in boy mode to exchange the shoes for the next size up.

The saleswoman who sold me the shoes when I was en femme was not in the store; another young saleswoman was holding down the fort.

Now in the not-too-distant past, I would have formulated an elaborate excuse about the shoes.

"My wife asked me to return these and get a larger size."

"I bought these to wear for Halloween, but they were too small, so I'd like to exchange them for a larger size for next Halloween."

"My dog ate my homework."

Instead, I walked up to the saleswoman and told her, "I bought these shoes. They are too small for me and I'd like to exchange them for a pair in size 12."

Without batting an eye, the saleswoman broke the bad news to me: the store only stocks shoes up to size 11, but she could order a pair in size 12 and have them shipped to my home.

In the past, I might have suggested a Plan B, for instance, could I have them delivered to the store and pick them up when they come in? Anything to avoid giving my name and address to a stranger, who might later ring up the troops from Transphobia and send them to my house to decorate my trees with pink toilet paper.

Instead, I handed her my driver's license to copy my name and address to complete the transaction; my shoes should show up at the house in 5 to 7 days.

I really don't care anymore who knows about me.

That doesn't mean I go looking for trouble and tell every Tom, Dick, and Harriet that I wish I was a girl. But if someone I knew came up to me and confronted me about it, I would admit that I am really a woman, who happens to have the body of a man.

I don't blend and I don't care

Many wise transwomen recommend blending if you are trying to pass.

The theory says that if you dress like the other women in the environment you plan to be in, that is, if you blend in with the other women, you will lessen the chances of bringing attention to yourself, thus increasing the chances of successfully passing yourself off as a woman.

For example, if you are going grocery shopping, then jeans and a top would be your choice of apparel for blending in most places.

I have tried blending and it seems to work, but blending is boring. When I dress en femme, I want to dress EN FEMME, if you know what I mean. I dress to be noticed not to be ignored. If I wanted to be ignored, I'd dress en homme.

As Lucille Sorella wrote recently in her Feminization Secrets blog, "As a genetic woman, the last thing I want to do is blend in! I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress fashionably because I want to stand out in a crowd. I believe it’s a natural feminine desire to want to be noticed."

As a transwoman, I feel the same way.

And perchance I have to go to Stop & Shop to buy a few items while I am en femme, I just think of myself as another working girl dressed appropriately for the office, but overdressed for grocery shopping during her lunch hour or on her way home from the office.

Works for me.

Telltale Signs

Springhill High School, Louisiana, 1964

Starla has been searching the Internet for months looking for photos of student femulations in old school yearbooks. She has sent me a treasure trove of photos; some I have posted here, here and here in the past and I promise to post more in the future.

Anyway, Starla has become something of an expert in this field and as an expert, she wrote the following analysis.

We've speculated about how many high school femulators may be actually trans versus those doing it just as a fun lark. I think my recent search activities have qualified me to make some speculative distinctions:

-- Comes to school crossdressed on “Opposite Sex Day” = probably not trans
-- Comes to school crossdressed on “generic" Halloween dress-up day = possibly trans
-- Comes to school crossdressed on Arbor Day, the 4th of July, or Millard Fillmore’s birthday = definitley trans

-- Wears Mom's ratty old wig = probably not trans
-- Puts own longish hair in simple pigtails = possibly trans
-- Drops $185 on a cut, color, and body wave = definitely trans

-- Other students react: "HA HA HA HA!! Look at Joe!!" = probably not trans
-- Other students react: "Gee, Joe doesn't look half-bad as a girl" = possibly trans
-- Other students react: "Where's Joe? And who's the new girl?" = definitely trans

-- Undergarments from Fruit of the Loom = probably not trans
-- Undergarments from Mom's lingerie drawer = possibly trans
-- Undergarments from Victoria's Secret "Members Only" sales catalog = definitely trans

-- Pageant talent: Comic striptease down to 1890's swimsuit = probably not trans
-- Pageant talent: Sensitive guitar and voice ballad = possibly trans
-- Pageant talent: Intricate dance number in 5" heels = definitely trans

-- Stubby, chewed nails with little sister's "Barbie Make-up Kit" polish = probably not trans
-- Lee's Press-on Nails = possibly trans
-- Acrylics with "Rose Garden" nail art motif = definitely trans

-- Shaves mustache = probably not trans
-- Shaves legs = possibly trans
-- Gets Brazilian bikini wax = definitely trans

-- No make-up = probably not trans
-- Make-up by mother/sister/girlfriend = possibly trans
-- MAC makeover = definitely trans

-- Celebrates pageant win by pumping fist and shouting "Woot! Woot! Woot!" = probably not trans
-- Celebrates pageant win with tears and a hug for the runner-up = possibly trans
-- Celebrates pageant win with tears and a hug for the male emcee = definitely trans

a complete pass

Another Tall Thursday

There has not been much new on the Famous Females of Height front lately. My last update was in mid-August.

It is not for a lack of trying, but every new lady whose height I checked out lately has come up short except for one: 5'11" Whitney Cummings, the comedian who stars on the new NBC television series Whitney.

Beware! Rant starts now!

I don't get it. People rave about Whitney and her television show.

Personally, I found the show to be unfunny.

Also, the show claims to be filmed in front of a live audience, but it sure sounds like canned laughs are used (maybe because the live audience finds the show unfunny, too).

End of rant!

Since there is only one addition this time around, I will reiterate the mission statement of the list:

I am over six feet tall, so when I femulate, I am a tall woman.

About the time I started femulating in my early teens, I became interested in tall women because they affirmed my existence as a tall woman, i.e., I was not the only tall woman out and about in society. Few were as tall as me, but maybe there were enough out there so that I could blend in more easily as just another tall woman.

In the past, tall women tried to blend in with their shorter sisters, so they dressed down (pun intended); instead of celebrating their height, they tried to hide it (to appear less intimidating to men).

Also, tall women did not have a lot to choose from clothes-wise. Few clothiers catered to tall women, so tall women had to make do with what was available, which typically did not celebrate tall women's height.

Today, tall women are out and proud and celebrate their height. They have more clothing to choose from now that more clothiers recognize their potential as customers. They no longer dress down to hide their height. They wear high heels and leg baring skirts and dresses. They don't care if they are intimidating. They've come a long way!

It is a great time to be a tall woman, or a tall femulator.

Read Today

I had no idea that some places require sterilization before a person can legally change his/her sex, but I found out all about it in Ann Tornkvist's article "Sweden’s shameful transgender sterilization rule" that appeared on Salon today.

And it’s not only in Sweden…

“'Forcible sterilization' [before SRS] has been quietly practiced for decades in countries typically cast as progressive on LGBT rights: France, the Netherlands, Australia and a number of U.S. states still require it. Italy and Germany have just recently overturned similar legislation."

"Although Swedish leaders have been talking for months about repealing the sterilization law…"  "…the conservative Christian Democrats have doggedly opposed the repeal, arguing that sex reassignment surgery is a threat to traditional social roles."

You can read all about the government's robbery of a fundamental human right --- procreation --- here on Salon.

Over at The Huffington Post, Rebecca Juro takes MSNBC's Ed Schultz to task for guesting a gay man to discuss the Chaz Bono Dancing with the Stars controversy.

"The first concern is also the most obvious. Given that Chaz Bono is a female-to-male transsexual man, one has to wonder why Ed Schultz invited a gay man and not an actual transgender person to appear on his show to speak on the topic.It's kind of like hosting a discussion on issues faced by African Americans with a white person presented as an expert, and makes just about as much sense.

"The second problem is more difficult to recognize unless the viewer is already familiar with Chaz Bono himself. Bono is a man who is in a serious romantic relationship with a woman. He is therefore heterosexual, not gay. By asking Mike Rogers if the media attacks on Bono lead to gay bashing, Ed Schultz revealed his clear lack of understanding of what a transgender person is, as well as his ignorance of the difference between sexual orientation, the gender of the person one is sexually and romantically attracted to, and gender identity, whether an individual personally sees themselves as male, female, or something else entirely, a gender identity that doesn't fit neatly into either of those socially constructed boxes."

You can read the entire story here on The Huffington Post.

Finally, if you are a fashionista (guilty) with a penchant for high heel footwear (guilty again), you must read Dr. Steve Rosenberg's "Help... Is It a Shoe Problem or a Foot Problem?" also on The Huffington Post.

In the article, the good doctor describes how you can become your own foot doctor. This is a recommended read for girls like us who consider 4-inch high heel pumps to be our preferred daily footwear.

Back On

Electricity returned to my home after I had gone to sleep last night. I woke up with a start at 10:45 PM and went around the house shutting off lights, setting clocks, engaging the garage door opener, etc.

I also visited the blog before I went back to sleep to moderate outstanding comments and kill the Halloween countdown clock.

I received some of your Halloween femulation photos and will begin posting them in The Femulated spot tonight (and finally replace my 1996 attempt femulating Mrs. JFK). If anyone else has Halloween femulation photos that they would like to see posted here, please send them along.

Anyway, it is great to be back --- sorry about the interruption to your blog reading.

My Halloween Weekend

Snow began falling at noon on Saturday at my house. By dawn Sunday, 14 inches of snow was on the ground.

We lost power and Internet access at 2 AM Sunday. We still do not have power or Internet access this morning (I am writing this from work).

I took my sister to the hospital for her morning surgery yesterday. Her doctor gave us the big thumbs up after the 90-minute surgery.

We went home to deal with the power outage, then returned to the hospital when we found out what time she would be out of the recovery room and moved to her room.

She showed up at 5:30 PM and was in great spirits. We visited with her until she chased us out so we could score some food (McDonald’s) and go home to stoke the wood stove to try to heat the house.

I thank you all for your concern and positive thoughts  regarding my sister’s surgery. So far, so good.

It is going to take awhile for me to catch up with all your comments and e-mails, but I assure I will do so as soon as I get Internet access at home.

By the way, because of the storm and power outages, the governor postponed Halloween, so we had no trick or treaters visiting us last night, but that did not stop me from breaking open a bag of Almond Joys!

And so it goes.

Have a Happy Halloween Weekend!

I wish all Femulate readers a Happy Halloween Weekend!

If your Halloween costume is a femulation this year and you would like to share it, please e-mail me your costume photo and I will use it in The Femulated spot.

Miss K already sent me her photo (right) from a party she attended this past week and I used it in The Femulated spot the other day. (She is so gorgeous, I did not think you would mind seeing her photo again today.)

Anyway, there is always room for one more! So send me your Halloween pix and I promise to display it here.

And "Boo" to you, too!

Zoltar Was Right

I just got a phone call from my sister and her surgery is a go for Monday. As a result, I won’t be going to work en femme on Halloween just as Zoltar predicted. Instead, I will take my sister to the hospital and stay with her until she wakes up from the anesthesia.

And so it goes.

What Zoltar Said

My sister is waiting to hear from the hospital whether Monday is a go or not, so my Halloween plans are still in limbo.

Anyway, last night I consulted my personal Zoltar fortune teller machine and asked, “Will I go to work en femme on Monday?”

Zoltar replied, “The answer is ‘no,’ but it is for the better.”

And so it goes.

Media Misrepresentation

Emerson Whitney wrote an excellent piece, "Trans Representation in the Media," which appeared on The Huffington Post yesterday.

The article could be sub-titled "Trans Misrepresentation in the Media" because that's what it's all about, that is, how the media mangles transgenders, sometimes on purpose (for its own agenda like at Fox news), sometimes insensitively (like at Saturday Night Live), and sometimes stupidly (like reporters who get our pronouns wrong).

All is not lost, however, and writer Whitney expresses hope that things may change for the better.

Read all about it here.

Read, But Not Dead

I wrote yesterday's Better Read Than Dead from my perspective based on my personal experiences being out in public en femme.

Your mileage may vary and probably will.

It is not a utopia out there... far from it. In some parts of the world, including right here in the good old USA, being read could result in your demise. The list of transwomen who have met their death after being read is not a short list and is not an old list; new names are added to the list too frequently.

Despite the bravado I expressed yesterday about being out en femme, I am very careful. When I am out en femme, I think like a woman thinks when she is out and about.

Thinking like a man won't cut it and may get you in trouble.

Anyone who plans to go out in public en femme should read an article like The Top Ten Things Every Woman Should Know about Personal Safety. Written by Darren and Beth Laur, their first tip is one of the things I am referring to.

"The first, and probably most important, component in self-defence is awareness: awareness of yourself, your surroundings, and your potential attacker’s likely strategies."

I urge you to read the entire article. But don't let it dissuade you from going out en femme; instead, use it to educate yourself so that when you do go out en femme, you will have your wits about you and you will be safe.

Better Read Than Dead

I received the following e-mail from Julia:

When you're out en femme and someone "reads" you or you run into any kind of trouble, how do you handle it?

Thanks again for all your inspiration!

Since I got my act together, I have been very lucky; I seldom notice anyone who I think might be reading me when I am out solo en femme. However, my mileage will vary if I am out en femme with other transpeople.

When I do get read, I seldom get more than a smirk or dirty look from a reader or a reader might nudge his/her companion to get their attention and "get a load of him."

I usually do one of two things when I think I’ve been read:

Ignore the reader and go about my business.

Flash a great big smile at the reader, which may disarm/confuse him/her.

There is a third option someone passed along to me that I would love to try, but never have:

Flash a great big smile at the reader, then say, "Yes, you recognized me. Would you like my autograph?"

Thankfully, there has never been a "scene" or any kind or trouble that I have had to deal with.

Now let me back up a bit and elaborate on what I wrote above.

Since I got my act together…

When I was a "man in a dress," I got read more frequently than I do now. But as my presentation improved, the readings diminished.

I seldom notice anyone who I think might be reading me…

Unless the reader confronts you or reacts in some way (a smirk, a laugh, a grimace, etc.) indicating that they know what's up with you, you never know for sure if they are reading you or just checking you out or even better, admiring you. (I always assume the last option, although when I was less confident about my presentation, I always assumed the first option.)

By the way, I wear eyeglasses in boy mode, but seldom wear them in girl mode except when I am driving. As a result, I might miss a read or two sans eyeglasses. However, my vision is not that weak, so I doubt that I am missing much.

All that being said, in my opinion it is better to be read than be dead. That is, it is better to go out and experience the world en femme and be read occasionally than to suffocate your woman in the closet.

Next Monday

Not much news on the Halloween front.

There still has been no announcement concerning any Halloween celebrations at work. With only four workdays left, the chances of a company-sanctioned Halloween celebration are getting slimmer and slimmer.

I found out today my boss is taking a vacation day on Halloween. That disappoints me because I wanted her to see me en femme if I do indeed go to work en femme on Monday.

I will not know that until Friday when my sister finds out her surgery schedule. However, I do have my costume picked out in case I do get the opportunity to wear one.

Still Femulating at the Atlanta Cotillion

Nearly a month ago, I wrote about femulating at the Atlanta Cotillion, which was only a few days after the 2011 occurrence of the event.

Dear Aunty Marlena just alerted me that photos from the 2011 cotillion are now on exhibit on flickr, so without further ado, here is the link.

Enjoy!

Dressing to Please Yourself

The topic of Ginger Burr's blog this week is "Please Yourself First" when it comes to deciding what to wear and dealing with people who criticize your wardrobe decisions.

"Generally speaking when you feel fabulous about how you look (even if others do not totally agree), their unsolicited comments have much less charge to them."

Her words are applicable to cisgender and trangender woman alike and I highly recommend reading them.

Unless there is something technically wrong with what I am wearing, like a run in my pantyhose, I ignore negative comments about my choice of dress. If I am happy with the way I look, that is what matters to me and I will be comfortable in my skins.

When I went to the mall the other day, I thought I was one of the best dressed customers, male or female, in the mall (at least in comparison to the ones I saw).

Do you realize how enpowering that is?

You just want to strut your stuff. And if someone checks you out, you know why --- because your dress is attractive, you stand out in the crowd. People are thinking that she or he really knows how to put herself or himself together.

Now I don't recommend wearing an evening gown and tiara to go shopping at the mall. Instead, dress a little over the top, but in a way that is plausible. For example, my mallwear was plausible for a businesswoman shopping or working at the mall. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Which reminds me, when I was wandering through the racks in Nordstrom on an outing earlier this year, a woman came up to me and asked me a question because she thought I was a Nordstrom saleswoman.

And so it goes.

She Speaks

Wednesday Afternoon

I spent most of the day en femme on Wednesday.

I shopped in the morning, which I detailed in my previous post. In the afternoon, I spent a few hours at a local college to speak to a class taught by my good friend Patty.

I arrived at the college (Lincoln College of New England) about 20 minutes early, parked my car and sat in it waiting for a break in the rain. The longer I waited, the harder the rain fell, so I finally gave into Mother Nature, opened my umbrella and walked to the administration building, where an administrator directed me to the correct classroom building. 

There were about 20 to 25 students in the class, approximately a 4:1 female-to-male ratio.

After a brief introduction, I gave my speech, which was basically my "No More Closets" post from last week. I had the post printed out and in my hand to refer to it in case I got stuck. But I amazed myself and completed the whole speech only referring to the printout at the very end because I wanted to repeat two lines in the last two paragraphs exactly as I wrote them.

I spoke for about 15 minutes and then took questions from the class.

Some of the questions were the same or similar to ones I received when I spoke to civilians in the past.

Some of the questions were unique, for example:

What is my male name?

How did I learn to do my makeup?

How did I start crossdressing?

How often do I dress like a male? [The student asking this question mistakenly assumed that I dress most of the time as a female. (I wish!)]

Do I have more female clothes than male clothes?

How many pairs of shoes do I own?

What is my e-mail address and the URL of my blog?

I received a couple of unsolicited comments from the students including "You look very nice," and "You don't look your age." (I really appreciate those comments as I begin my 7th decade on the planet Earth.) Also, an observer commented, "This is the best class I've sat in on all semester."

So again, I did my little part trying to inform civilians about transgenders. I hope I was successful.

She

Wednesday Morning

I spent most of the day en femme yesterday.

I was out the door at 9:45 AM wearing the black dress with the sequins pattern at the neckline that I bought from Ideeli and modeled at the fashion show. I also wore black hose and my mid-heel Mary Janes from Payless that never fail to be comfortable no matter how long I wear them. Earrings, bracelet, watch, and a black bag completed my ensemble.

I arrived at the mall at 10:15. It was raining hard, so I parked in the ramp even though I had an umbrella. Umbrellas don't help much to keep your feet dry and women's footwear offers little protection from the puddles.

My first stop was JCPenney. I quickly found a half-dozen dresses to try on, but one I really liked was missing its belt. I could not swipe a belt from another dress (not in my size) because the belt was attached to the dress with a plastic tie, so I stopped a passing saleswoman for help.

She told me to take a dress that had a belt to the cashier and she would cut the tie for me. So I carried my half dozen dresses plus one to the cashier and waited while she rang up another customer.

The saleswoman came by while I was waiting and said to the cashier, "She just needs you to cut the tie on a belt so she can try on the dress."

The cashier retorted, "Oh - I thought she was waiting to pay for the dresses."

The saleswoman replied, "No, she wants to try them on first."

My day could have ended right there! All the "she's" (referring to me) flying through the air was wonderful and affirming.

After that exchange and the cutting of the tie, I went to the dressing room to try on my finds.

The dress without the belt fit perfectly and looked nice, but the belt from the other dress was too small!

I managed to squeeze into the other five dresses. Two were too tight, two did not look right (on me), and the fifth (black/honey beige color block sheath) looked and fit great plus I thought it would go perfectly with new shoes that I had ordered from Shoedazzle (see photo above).

I paid for the dress, exited JCPenney, and headed towards Macy's. Along the way, I encountered the Nine West shoe store.

A couple of weeks ago, Patty and I were exchanging e-mails about shoes (she has even more pairs than I do --- her excuse is that she is cisgender, while I am not). She mentioned that she saw a pair of shoes “to die for” on the Nine West website: red patent leather Mary Janes with a black strap and heel.

Her description alone moved me to want to add those shoes to my collection, so I could not resist visiting the Nine West store to see if they were in stock. They had the nude patent version of the shoe on display, but not the red. The nude version was almost as attractive as the red, so I asked the saleswoman if she had a pair in my size.

She went into the stockroom to look, but came back with a disappointed look on her face and informed me that she had none in my size. Then she added, "But I have these in your size," and she held up the red version of the shoe!

I tried them on and they fit perfectly. Without hesitation, I proceeded to buy the most expensive shoe I ever bought in my life (see photo below).

Onto Macy's where I was underwhelmed by the selection of dresses for sale. I was so unimpressed that I know I took a couple of dresses to the dressing room to try on, but I cannot recall what they looked like nor whether they fit.

I headed for the exit and as I did, I passed through the women's plus-size department where I saw a drop-dead gorgeous black, white, and sequinced colorblock tunic sweater on display (see photo right). I took a size 0x to the dressing room.

It fit like a glove and as you might expect, just like any other glove, it did not cover the legs.

It was very short; "hits at thigh" according to the online description. It was something I would never wear on the street or in the mall or to outreach. It was definitely a party dress and with the holiday party season approaching, I decided to purchase it.

(I wonder if the dress will go with my new red patent Mary Janes --- maybe if I accessorize with red - maybe a red bag and/or scarf.)

Time was running out, so I left the mall with my purchases and drove a half hour to the college to do outreach.

By the way, I had no problems fitting in at the mall. No one gave me a dirty look, no one laughed at me, no one pointed at me, no one called mall security when I used the woman’s dressing room. A few people did check me out and that was to be expected since I was dressed a little bit better than the average mall shopper.

Every person (male or female) that I talked to was pleasant and helpful. I had an enjoyable conversation with the Nine West saleswoman talking about shoes, purses, and wallets --- she even joked with me about how she read my mind that I was looking for the red Mary Janes.

It was a wonderful morning at the mall.

(to be continued)