Read, But Not Dead

I wrote yesterday's Better Read Than Dead from my perspective based on my personal experiences being out in public en femme.

Your mileage may vary and probably will.

It is not a utopia out there... far from it. In some parts of the world, including right here in the good old USA, being read could result in your demise. The list of transwomen who have met their death after being read is not a short list and is not an old list; new names are added to the list too frequently.

Despite the bravado I expressed yesterday about being out en femme, I am very careful. When I am out en femme, I think like a woman thinks when she is out and about.

Thinking like a man won't cut it and may get you in trouble.

Anyone who plans to go out in public en femme should read an article like The Top Ten Things Every Woman Should Know about Personal Safety. Written by Darren and Beth Laur, their first tip is one of the things I am referring to.

"The first, and probably most important, component in self-defence is awareness: awareness of yourself, your surroundings, and your potential attacker’s likely strategies."

I urge you to read the entire article. But don't let it dissuade you from going out en femme; instead, use it to educate yourself so that when you do go out en femme, you will have your wits about you and you will be safe.

Better Read Than Dead

I received the following e-mail from Julia:

When you're out en femme and someone "reads" you or you run into any kind of trouble, how do you handle it?

Thanks again for all your inspiration!

Since I got my act together, I have been very lucky; I seldom notice anyone who I think might be reading me when I am out solo en femme. However, my mileage will vary if I am out en femme with other transpeople.

When I do get read, I seldom get more than a smirk or dirty look from a reader or a reader might nudge his/her companion to get their attention and "get a load of him."

I usually do one of two things when I think I’ve been read:

Ignore the reader and go about my business.

Flash a great big smile at the reader, which may disarm/confuse him/her.

There is a third option someone passed along to me that I would love to try, but never have:

Flash a great big smile at the reader, then say, "Yes, you recognized me. Would you like my autograph?"

Thankfully, there has never been a "scene" or any kind or trouble that I have had to deal with.

Now let me back up a bit and elaborate on what I wrote above.

Since I got my act together…

When I was a "man in a dress," I got read more frequently than I do now. But as my presentation improved, the readings diminished.

I seldom notice anyone who I think might be reading me…

Unless the reader confronts you or reacts in some way (a smirk, a laugh, a grimace, etc.) indicating that they know what's up with you, you never know for sure if they are reading you or just checking you out or even better, admiring you. (I always assume the last option, although when I was less confident about my presentation, I always assumed the first option.)

By the way, I wear eyeglasses in boy mode, but seldom wear them in girl mode except when I am driving. As a result, I might miss a read or two sans eyeglasses. However, my vision is not that weak, so I doubt that I am missing much.

All that being said, in my opinion it is better to be read than be dead. That is, it is better to go out and experience the world en femme and be read occasionally than to suffocate your woman in the closet.

Next Monday

Not much news on the Halloween front.

There still has been no announcement concerning any Halloween celebrations at work. With only four workdays left, the chances of a company-sanctioned Halloween celebration are getting slimmer and slimmer.

I found out today my boss is taking a vacation day on Halloween. That disappoints me because I wanted her to see me en femme if I do indeed go to work en femme on Monday.

I will not know that until Friday when my sister finds out her surgery schedule. However, I do have my costume picked out in case I do get the opportunity to wear one.

Still Femulating at the Atlanta Cotillion

Nearly a month ago, I wrote about femulating at the Atlanta Cotillion, which was only a few days after the 2011 occurrence of the event.

Dear Aunty Marlena just alerted me that photos from the 2011 cotillion are now on exhibit on flickr, so without further ado, here is the link.

Enjoy!

Dressing to Please Yourself

The topic of Ginger Burr's blog this week is "Please Yourself First" when it comes to deciding what to wear and dealing with people who criticize your wardrobe decisions.

"Generally speaking when you feel fabulous about how you look (even if others do not totally agree), their unsolicited comments have much less charge to them."

Her words are applicable to cisgender and trangender woman alike and I highly recommend reading them.

Unless there is something technically wrong with what I am wearing, like a run in my pantyhose, I ignore negative comments about my choice of dress. If I am happy with the way I look, that is what matters to me and I will be comfortable in my skins.

When I went to the mall the other day, I thought I was one of the best dressed customers, male or female, in the mall (at least in comparison to the ones I saw).

Do you realize how enpowering that is?

You just want to strut your stuff. And if someone checks you out, you know why --- because your dress is attractive, you stand out in the crowd. People are thinking that she or he really knows how to put herself or himself together.

Now I don't recommend wearing an evening gown and tiara to go shopping at the mall. Instead, dress a little over the top, but in a way that is plausible. For example, my mallwear was plausible for a businesswoman shopping or working at the mall. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Which reminds me, when I was wandering through the racks in Nordstrom on an outing earlier this year, a woman came up to me and asked me a question because she thought I was a Nordstrom saleswoman.

And so it goes.

She Speaks

Wednesday Afternoon

I spent most of the day en femme on Wednesday.

I shopped in the morning, which I detailed in my previous post. In the afternoon, I spent a few hours at a local college to speak to a class taught by my good friend Patty.

I arrived at the college (Lincoln College of New England) about 20 minutes early, parked my car and sat in it waiting for a break in the rain. The longer I waited, the harder the rain fell, so I finally gave into Mother Nature, opened my umbrella and walked to the administration building, where an administrator directed me to the correct classroom building. 

There were about 20 to 25 students in the class, approximately a 4:1 female-to-male ratio.

After a brief introduction, I gave my speech, which was basically my "No More Closets" post from last week. I had the post printed out and in my hand to refer to it in case I got stuck. But I amazed myself and completed the whole speech only referring to the printout at the very end because I wanted to repeat two lines in the last two paragraphs exactly as I wrote them.

I spoke for about 15 minutes and then took questions from the class.

Some of the questions were the same or similar to ones I received when I spoke to civilians in the past.

Some of the questions were unique, for example:

What is my male name?

How did I learn to do my makeup?

How did I start crossdressing?

How often do I dress like a male? [The student asking this question mistakenly assumed that I dress most of the time as a female. (I wish!)]

Do I have more female clothes than male clothes?

How many pairs of shoes do I own?

What is my e-mail address and the URL of my blog?

I received a couple of unsolicited comments from the students including "You look very nice," and "You don't look your age." (I really appreciate those comments as I begin my 7th decade on the planet Earth.) Also, an observer commented, "This is the best class I've sat in on all semester."

So again, I did my little part trying to inform civilians about transgenders. I hope I was successful.

She

Wednesday Morning

I spent most of the day en femme yesterday.

I was out the door at 9:45 AM wearing the black dress with the sequins pattern at the neckline that I bought from Ideeli and modeled at the fashion show. I also wore black hose and my mid-heel Mary Janes from Payless that never fail to be comfortable no matter how long I wear them. Earrings, bracelet, watch, and a black bag completed my ensemble.

I arrived at the mall at 10:15. It was raining hard, so I parked in the ramp even though I had an umbrella. Umbrellas don't help much to keep your feet dry and women's footwear offers little protection from the puddles.

My first stop was JCPenney. I quickly found a half-dozen dresses to try on, but one I really liked was missing its belt. I could not swipe a belt from another dress (not in my size) because the belt was attached to the dress with a plastic tie, so I stopped a passing saleswoman for help.

She told me to take a dress that had a belt to the cashier and she would cut the tie for me. So I carried my half dozen dresses plus one to the cashier and waited while she rang up another customer.

The saleswoman came by while I was waiting and said to the cashier, "She just needs you to cut the tie on a belt so she can try on the dress."

The cashier retorted, "Oh - I thought she was waiting to pay for the dresses."

The saleswoman replied, "No, she wants to try them on first."

My day could have ended right there! All the "she's" (referring to me) flying through the air was wonderful and affirming.

After that exchange and the cutting of the tie, I went to the dressing room to try on my finds.

The dress without the belt fit perfectly and looked nice, but the belt from the other dress was too small!

I managed to squeeze into the other five dresses. Two were too tight, two did not look right (on me), and the fifth (black/honey beige color block sheath) looked and fit great plus I thought it would go perfectly with new shoes that I had ordered from Shoedazzle (see photo above).

I paid for the dress, exited JCPenney, and headed towards Macy's. Along the way, I encountered the Nine West shoe store.

A couple of weeks ago, Patty and I were exchanging e-mails about shoes (she has even more pairs than I do --- her excuse is that she is cisgender, while I am not). She mentioned that she saw a pair of shoes “to die for” on the Nine West website: red patent leather Mary Janes with a black strap and heel.

Her description alone moved me to want to add those shoes to my collection, so I could not resist visiting the Nine West store to see if they were in stock. They had the nude patent version of the shoe on display, but not the red. The nude version was almost as attractive as the red, so I asked the saleswoman if she had a pair in my size.

She went into the stockroom to look, but came back with a disappointed look on her face and informed me that she had none in my size. Then she added, "But I have these in your size," and she held up the red version of the shoe!

I tried them on and they fit perfectly. Without hesitation, I proceeded to buy the most expensive shoe I ever bought in my life (see photo below).

Onto Macy's where I was underwhelmed by the selection of dresses for sale. I was so unimpressed that I know I took a couple of dresses to the dressing room to try on, but I cannot recall what they looked like nor whether they fit.

I headed for the exit and as I did, I passed through the women's plus-size department where I saw a drop-dead gorgeous black, white, and sequinced colorblock tunic sweater on display (see photo right). I took a size 0x to the dressing room.

It fit like a glove and as you might expect, just like any other glove, it did not cover the legs.

It was very short; "hits at thigh" according to the online description. It was something I would never wear on the street or in the mall or to outreach. It was definitely a party dress and with the holiday party season approaching, I decided to purchase it.

(I wonder if the dress will go with my new red patent Mary Janes --- maybe if I accessorize with red - maybe a red bag and/or scarf.)

Time was running out, so I left the mall with my purchases and drove a half hour to the college to do outreach.

By the way, I had no problems fitting in at the mall. No one gave me a dirty look, no one laughed at me, no one pointed at me, no one called mall security when I used the woman’s dressing room. A few people did check me out and that was to be expected since I was dressed a little bit better than the average mall shopper.

Every person (male or female) that I talked to was pleasant and helpful. I had an enjoyable conversation with the Nine West saleswoman talking about shoes, purses, and wallets --- she even joked with me about how she read my mind that I was looking for the red Mary Janes.

It was a wonderful morning at the mall.

(to be continued)

Under Cover

I occasionally receive e-mails asking me what beard cover (if any) I use.

I use and recommend a beard cover produced by RCMA (Research Council of Make-up Artists, Inc.). Their BC-2 is the color I use.

I bought it online in 2006 for about $8. I checked here today and the price is now $27. But a little goes a long way; I am still using the same tub I bought back in 2006, although I now need to use less of it since my beard has turned white/gray.

Womanly Yours,

Stana

Talking Tomorrow En Femme

Wednesday, I will speak to a class at a local college. I mentioned last week that this is the class that my friend Patty is now teaching.

A few people asked about the contents of my talk.

Usually, when I do outreach, I am doing it with four to six other people. In that case, we each give our biographies in a nutshell (about 5 minutes each) and then the students ask questions during the remainder of the class.

On Wednesday, I will be solo, so I plan to speak longer (the 15-minute version of my biography), then I will take questions from the students. 

In addition to speaking to the class, I plan to go shopping at the malls.

It should be a fulfilling and fun day out.

Womanly Yours,

Stana

College Drag

Miss Jan Brown, the Fantasia Fair program director and an old gal pal, is a regular reader of this blog (who isn't?) and she commented from Provincetown that all is well at the Fair, despite my absence!

Anyway, regarding the video of the high school Lady Gaga impersonator, Jan referred me to a collegiate drag show at Penn State over the weekend (as covered by the University's independent newspaper, The Daily Collegian).

Viewing The Daily Collegian article I was duly impressed by freshman Nick Gresh's femulation (see photo) and after a little Googling, I found a related video.

(Ah --- to be young and femulating again!)

Womanly Yours,

Stana 

Wish I Was There

Fantasia Fair is this week in Provincetown. Massachusetts (at the tip of Cape Cod). I attended last year for a half week and three years ago for a full week. I had a great time both times.

I did not go this year for a number of reasons. I hope to return next year.

I will attend vicariously this year by monitoring a webcam, which has a bird’s-eye view of Provincetown's main drag (sorry, I could not resist), specifically, the intersection of Commercial and Ryder Streets.

Watching this webcam during past Fantasia Fairs, I have spotted many of the transgenders in attendance and even recognized a few of my friends.

I hope to see a few this week, too.

Womanly Yours,

Stana

Bad Romance, but Good Femulation

Cheryl e-mailed me about a video on YouTube featuring 9th grade student Richard Goodman performing a song, Bad Romance, by Lady Gaga. It is excellent and I think you will enjoy it.

Here is the link. Enjoy!

Womanly Yours,

Stana

Reunion with the Girls

I attended my K-8 grammar school reunion yesterday afternoon. It was a multi-year reunion, that is, it included classes from the 1910s through the the 1970s.

I knew about 25 of the people in attendance; some were classmates and some were friends from my old neighborhood. I had not seen most of them in 45 years or more.

I had a wonderful time.

Looking back at the afternoon, I found it telling that I spent most of the time reunioning with my old female friends rather than my old male friends.

Up in the Air

I received a phone call Friday afternoon that threw my Halloween at work en femme plans up in the air. My sister is having surgery on the 31st and I may have to take her to the hospital that morning.

She will not know what her schedule is for that day until the 29th, so my plans are in limbo until then.

I have absolutely no problem taking my sister to the hospital en femme, but she has a big problem with it.

In consideration of the stress that she will already have facing surgery, I will not press the matter.

Even though she has no interest in meeting her sister face-to-face, she has been supportive from afar and I plan to be there for her when she needs her brother.

Opportunities

Halloween 2009

Big Woman on Campus

My friend Patty is now a professor at a local college. This semester is her first; she is teaching two classes and asked me to speak to one of her classes about being a woman, although male.

So I plan to take a vacation day off from work to speak to her class and field questions from her students.

Since the class is only an hour long, I will have time to do other things that day en femme (like "inspect" the fall fashions at the malls).

All Hallows' Eve

Halloween is just a little over two weeks away and there has been no official announcement at work regarding any events celebrating the holiday. Time is running out, so if they don't announce something real soon now, I expect that nothing is in the works.

Nevertheless, I am going to work en femme on the 31st whether there is an official celebration or not.

Womanly Yours,

Stana

Maybe a skirt-suit would’ve been more appropriate

Andrej as Marilyn

From today’s The Huffington Post, “After landing numerous covers striking his best womanly pose, Andrej Pejic gets to play one of the most famous women ever: Marilyn Monroe… For Lovecat's Fashion + Film Issue…”

You can view a slideshow of the amazing photoshoot here and an amazing video here.

I am sure you will enjoy and appreciate them as much as I did.

Womanly Yours,

Stana

The Eyes Have It

After seeing my visage in yesterday's post here, Patio asked me how I do my eyes.

I am happy to share my makeup regime, so here it is eye-wise.

First things first: I cleanse my face and apply moisturizer.

Now concentrating on the eyes, here are the steps I follow:

1. I use a concealer under my eyes to hide my eye baggage.

2. I apply an eyeshadow primer on my eyelids and brow bone, that is, between my eyelids and eyebrows.

3. While the primer dries, I tend to my eyebrows plucking strays and trimming longs.

4. I use a light brown eyebrow pencil (Anastasia Perfect Brow Pencil's "Soft Brown") to outline and fill in my brows. I have been femulating Keira Knightly's eyebrows (see photo) and I think I have been successful.

5. I curl my eyelashes lashes for at least 30 seconds per eye.

6. I use a large eyeshadow brush and apply a light beige eyeshadow all over my upper eyelids and browbone.

7. I use a small eyeshdow brush and apply a dark eyeshadow (purple, brown, dark gray, etc.) along crease between eyelids and brow bone.

This is tricky to describe, but let me try.

Using the eyebrow brush, I pick up a tiny bit of dark eyeshadow on only one side of the brush. Then I bring the shadow side of the brush up to the center of the brow bone along the crease and move it towards the outer side of my eye to deposit most of the shadow on that portion of my eye.

Then I use a windshield wiper-like motion to go back and forth along the whole crease. My goal is to make the outer portion of the crease and brow bone darker than the inner portion with a smooth transition from light to dark; the wiper motion blends the shadow to create the smooth transition.

Overall, I try to use less shadow for daytime femulations and more shadow for nighttime femulations.

8. I reapply some light beige shadow just below my brows and blend it with the darker shadow below. Sometimes this will lead me to reapply the dark eyeshadow until I get it just right (or nearly so).

9. I pick up a tiny bit more of the dark eyeshadow and apply it to the outer third of the lid and use the windshield wiper motion again to blend the shadow on the lid.

10. I use a second small eyeshadow brush to pick up a tiny bit of a light eyeshadow (light beige, light gray, white, etc.) and dab the color near the center of the lid, then blend it with the dark eyeshadow already on your lid.

11. I use black eyeshadow as my eyeliner and apply it using an eyeliner brush intended for powder eyeliner. I find it less prone to error than using an eyeliner pencil or a liquid eyeliner.

I dab the tip (not the side) of the eyeliner brush in black eyeshadow and apply it to the upper eyelid as close as possible to the lash line. I start in the center of the lid and work my way out to the outer part of the lid, then I work my way in to the inner part of the lid. I go back and forth until the line is consistent (no breaks or fades) and as dark as I want it. At the outer edge of the lid, I extend the line beyond the lid, making it narrower until it comes to a point. Sometimes I give it a little curl upward, sometimes not.

12. I dab the side of the eyeliner brush and swipe it along the lower lid as close to the lash line as possible, then I use a cotton swab to smudge the line and blend it so that it is consistent.

13. I am always experimenting with different mascaras. Since I am an Avon Lady, I always try their latest mascara offerings, but for what it's worth, lately I have been using Rimmel brand mascara. I apply it once to the upper and lower lashes and let it dry. Then I use a metal lash comb to separate any lashes that are stuck together.

I always apply a second coat of mascara. Sometimes I will apply a third coat.

By the way, my eyelashes are amazingly long, so that augments the overall look of my eyes. I have been using the Avon's Anew eyelash growth serum religiously every morning for nearly two years and it has had a profound effect on the length and thickness of my eyelashes. Sorry to say that Avon discontinued the product, however, there are competitive products that may work just as well if you have sparse and/or short lashes.

After doing all the above steps, there is always some touch-up and clean-up involved. To help avoid messy clean-ups, use a brush to apply some loose face powder below your eyes. When you are done doing your eyes, simply brush away this loose powder along with any eye makeup crumbs that may have landed there.

All this sounds very complicated and I will admit that doing my eyes takes longer than doing the rest of my makeup, but I think the results are worth the effort. And the more you do it, the more quickly you will do it!

If you have any questions, I will try to answer them.

Womanly Yours,

Stana

No More Closets

I was in the closet for a very long time.

Although my interests in feminine things go back to my earliest memories, I did not take up crossdressing until I was 12-years-old. But once I began, I crossdressed at every opportunity, typically whenever I found myself alone at home.

When I was 19, I reached my tipping point and had to let Stana out of the closet. So I dressed en femme on Halloween despite the fact that I had nowhere to go.

Unlike today, where there is a Halloween event everywhere you turn, back in the late-1970s, there was not much Halloween-wise for a young adult. I had not been invited to any Halloween parties (I didn't even know of any Halloween parties) and I was too young to go to any bar that might be celebrating Halloween. So, Mom let her "daughter" borrow the car and I visited some friends and relatives to "trick 'n' treat." (How desperate is that?)

Post-Halloween, I was back in the closet honing my femulating skills while waiting for next year's Halloween party invitations. I never went out en femme to trick 'n' treat again, but I did get a few party invitations over the years.

I always attended the parties dressed as a woman, not as a woman wearing a woman's costume. Invariably, some party-goer would wonder why I wasn't wearing a costume and I would explain to their astonishment that I was in costume. Post-Halloween, I would be back in the closet again, but at least I realized that all the practice in the closet was not for naught.

Online (via Compuserve's Genderline), I discovered and joined a local support group in the early 1980s. Now, I was able to get out of the house en femme on days besides the last day of months beginning with the letter O. I attended meetings once or twice per month, always dressing at home and driving to the meeting place 25 miles away.

On occasion, the support group sponsored outings --- usually dinners at local restaurants, which sheltered us in a private room so we would not to mix with their "normal" clientele. I always attended, but being a rebel, I made a point of using the public ladies' restroom instead of the private restroom that had been assigned to us.

I wanted more and began attending trans conventions, which gave me the opportunity to have the run of a whole hotel for a long weekend en femme. 

But I realized that I was still in the closet. I just had more closet-space: in my home, in my support group's meeting places, and in trans convention hotels.

I still wanted more, so I became a little more adventurous. On my way to support group meetings, I would stop off to buy a refreshment at a convenience store or fast food joint. Amazingly, no one seemed to notice or care that I was en femme. I was passing or at least, I was accepted and that emboldened me to do more.

It took 55 years, but I finally summoned up enough courage to go out in public en femme. I decided to make that leap by going to the mall. I dressed en femme, drove to the mall, arrived just as it opened, and sat in my car for a half-hour trying to muster the courage to exit the car and walk across the parking lot to the mall entrance.

I finally pushed myself and did it and I spent the better part of day at the mall having the time of my life. Some people read me, but it was not the end of the world, and once I got a taste of the world en femme, I wanted more.

Subsequently, I picked my days and spent them en femme, shopping, dining, being entertained, enjoying the arts, etc., etc., and I loved it, doing what other women did when they were out.

It all felt so natural to me. I was always feminine. As I have written here before, I was not a female trapped in a male body, rather I was me trapped by society's expectations of what a male was supposed to be. The "problem" was that I preferred to fulfill society's expectations of what a woman was supposed to be.

Finally, I realized I was a woman, who happened to have a male body, but I was not going to let that little handicap hinder me from being the best woman I could be.

And so it goes.

Guam's Transgender Beauty Pageant

“Miss Kadenan Umatuiya was crowned Miss Guahan in the transgender beauty pageant held in Guam.

“The pageant was organised by a local arts group who used the event to raise money to go to the upcoming Pacific Arts Festival in Solomon Islands.

“Unlike other transgender pageants, it was a serious contest with a focus on indigenous culture. This pageant is about representing and preserving the indigenous Chamorro culture and promoting acceptance of transgender people.”

Read the rest of the story on the Radio Australia website and at Guampdn.com, which was the source of the photo above.