The words will take awhile to compose, but cropping and resizing photos is easy. So, while I compose the words about my trip to the Hamvention, I leave you with this photo. (That's me wearing my new LBD before going out to the Contest Dinner on Saturday evening.)
Before embarking on an extended time out en femme (like my trip to Hamvention this week), there is always some trepidation.
This morning, I awoke at 4 AM and could not fall back to sleep because I was thinking about all that could go wrong during my trip. By the time I got out of bed nearly two hours later, I was so agitated that I seriously considered cancelling my plans.
Mind you, all of my past extended times out en femme have been wonderful positive and affirming experiences with nary a problem.
So why do I worry?
It is my nature to worry. Always has been. And my biggest worry is that since I have never had any problems in the past, I am way overdue to have a problem.
That's the half-empty glass perspective; I need to concentrate on the half-full glass perspective, which is that since I never had a problem, I must be doing things right and if I continue to do things right, my track record should continue unblemished.
Now, that should be my mantra!
In case anyone is curious, here is my schedule for the femulating portion of this week.
Wednesday
• Drive from Connecticut to Western Pennsylvania.
• Stay overnight in Western Pennsylvania.
Thursday
• Drive from Western Pennsylvania to Dayton, Ohio.
• Check-in to my hotel.
• Attend my board of director's meeting.
Friday
• Attend Hamvention (work booth, attend presentations, visit other booths).
• Attend our annual Hamvention banquet dinner.
Saturday
• Attend Hamvention (work booth, attend presentations, visit other booths).
• Attend another Hamvention banquet dinner
Sunday
• Drive from Dayton to Connecticut
• Sleep
Sounds exciting?
Considering that I will spend most of that schedule en femme is exciting to me. The opportunity to be my female self 24/7 for a few days more than makes up for the 1500-mile roadtrip between here and there and back, which is a drag. Maybe next year I will fly.
I've worn women's clothing and cosmetics since the age of 16 -- but that doesn't mean what you might expect
Yesterday, Salon posted this article, which "is an adapted excerpt from Jon-Jon Goulian's memoir The Man in the Gray Flannel Skirt, available from Random House on May 17."
I read the article and identified with some of the things the author wrote, but not everything.
And so it goes.
I was also shimmering with pride after I read this story in The Barrie Examiner about Kyle Rehling, a transgendered youth, who "holds the distinction of being Barrie's first transgender student mayor."
Read the all about it here.
"Femulate" is this week's "Word of the Week" over at the always informative and entertaining Jessica Who? blog. (Thank you, Jessica!)
Coincidentally, I was Googling something trans-related yesterday and I ended up on a forum where some girls were discussing something or other that was trans-related, and one of the girls used the word "femulate" in her forum posting. She was not referring to this blog, but was using femulate as a verb.
And that was not the first time I have seen the word used in that way.
What have I done?
As Henry Frankenstein once remarked, "It's alive!"
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| 2010 Dayton Hamvention |
By this time next week, I will be well on my way driving 730 miles to Dayton, Ohio to attend Hamvention en femme.
I have attended Hamvention 22 times in the past 33 years, but last year was the first time I attended en femme. (You can read about that experience here).
Last year's attendance en femme was an affirming experience. As I concluded last year, "Overall, the weekend worked out great. Everyone I encountered accepted me one way or another.
"All my friends and acquaintances were very ok with the new me.
"The strangers who engaged me throughout the weekend, hams and civilians alike, accepted me as a woman, trans or otherwise.
"I could not ask for anything more."
Truth be told, I could ask for more... from me.
Last year, I had prepared ahead of time. I came out to the people I would encounter frequently throughout the weekend, like my editor and the guys, who would be staffing my organization's booth alongside me. They expected me to be en femme, so I had no problems facing them en femme.
On the other hand, I shyed away from other people I knew at Hamvention, who were not in the know. I was unsure how they would react, so I did not bother waking up the sleeping dogs and did not confront them with a new version of me.
This year, I plan to be more outgoing and show my pretty face (!) to everyone I know at Hamvention. I expect that most folks will just shrug their shoulders and be ok with it, but I will be prepared for worse reactions.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Call me "Jamie." It is not my real name; it’s the name I go by when I dress up like a boy.
I dress like a boy because I am a crossdresser. I prefer male clothing to female clothing. In addition, I try to act like a boy. I want to be masculine, not feminine.
I want to be able to go out in society and pass as a male, but my female characteristics are difficult to disguise, so passing is a tough goal to achieve. I will keep on trying to improve my presentation because I know it can be done.
Many crossdressers have websites where they display photos of themselves crossdressed and many of the photos are very convincing. These females look just like boys, so I know passing is possible. I may not be able to fool all of the people all of the time, but it would be nice if I could fool some of the people some of the time.
Also, there are websites that provide information on how to pass as a male. They describe how to walk, talk, and act like a boy; how to style your hair to look like a boy; what undergarments to wear to achieve a male form; etc., etc. There are also online stores that cater to crossdressers where you can buy everything you need to "express your masculine side."
My crossdressing started around the age of puberty. I don't know where the idea came from; it just popped in my head while I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower and there was one of Dad's suits hanging on the shower curtain rod.
That pinstriped suit called my name and I could not resist trying it on. It fit me like a glove. I felt so masculine wearing it and I could not take my eyes off myself preening in the full-length mirror mounted on the bathroom door.
Suddenly, I felt very guilty and was worried that I might be caught, so I slipped out of the suit as quickly as possible, hung it back on its hangar, and took a cold shower.
Since then, I dress in my Dad's and brother's clothes whenever I am home alone.
I prefer my brother's clothes because he is only two years older than I, so he dresses like a boy my age dresses, whereas my Dad's clothes are more adult, i.e., clothing that an adult male wears.
But Dad's wardrobe includes items that my brother's wardrobe does not, so when I dress, I borrow items from both my Dad and my brother. For example, my brother has no suits, whereas Dad has six suits and I guess after that first crossdressing experience in the bathroom, I have a thing for suits.
My favorite suit is one Dad wears when he and Mom go out to a fancy restaurant or to a dinner party. I like it because it has a more youthful look than his other suits, which are more conservative, i.e., the kinds of suits you wear to the office or to church.
Dad claims that that suit is a "channel knock-off," whatever that means? The fabric of the suit is a rosy pink boucle with blue undertones. It has a cropped jacket with four buttons and four pockets and a pencil skirt that’s 20 inches long.
Dad also has a matching pair of pink pumps with a 4-inch stiletto heel; he looks so masculine in that outfit! And, wow, my Dad has great legs; he sure shows them off in that suit with its skirt about four inches above his knees, wearing off-white pantyhose perched on those 4-inch pumps.
Dad is a beautiful male. He is a platinum blonde and always looks great no matter what hairdo he wears. His makeup skills are excellent, too, with huge eyes and full pouty lips.
I try to emulate Dad when I crossdress. And sometimes when I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like him.
Juan at New Male Fashion For The Alternative Man blog has featured some amazing images of Andrej Pejic during the past few weeks (that's where the image accompanying this post came from).
Andrej seems to look more feminine in each new photo shoot. Has he permanently switched sides and joined the other team yet?
Anyway, here are links to those recent Andrej image postings on Juan's blog:
I know that a few of my readers won't approve of Andrej Pejic being called a New Male. At least not in this editorial... starting with the title. "There's not much left of a male here", they might argue. "He's way more than wearing feminine stuff: he's unmistakably portraying a feminine character". "He's even wearing a breast-enhancing corset". "He's definitely in drag", they will say.
On the other hand, I'm sure that most of you people, like myself, will simply delight in his wonderful good looks. After all, for many decades now women fashion magazines have been promoting the "boyfriend's look", or "androgynous fashion" for the ladies. Isn't it time for the "girlfriend's look" for us?
What's more: aren't some of you dying to show up to a party in any of these getups? Be honest: Wouldn't that be lovely? But... would you look just as gorgeous?
My thoughts exactly!
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| (Brearley Collection Photo) |
The Femulate hit counter climbed past the 2 million mark early this morning! All I have to say is "Wow!" and thank you all for coming back every day to read and see what I post here.
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| "Everyone thinks we're sisters, but actually, we're mother and son." (from New Yorker) |
Mom was the most influential person in my life and influenced my penchant for crossdressing in a number of ways.
She was beautiful and did not need makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were all she ever used. I know because I enjoyed watching her put on her minimal makeup.
She always dressed like a fashionable lady and that was difficult to accomplish because money was tight when I was a kid. As a result, Mom sewed her own clothes, as well as clothes for my sister.
I guess I was jealous of my sister and wished that Mom would sew something for me, but there were few sewing patterns for boys' clothing. However, I would have been perfectly happy if she sewed a pretty dress for me like she did for my sister.
My Dad was a great guy, but he was not around much when I was growing up. He worked all the overtime he could get to make ends meet. For a few years, he also had a second job.
I can remember way back to my earliest memories when I actually thought that my father was a visitor because his appearances at home during my waking hours were so rare. So, during my formative years, Dad was at work, while my Mom was at home raising my sister and me.
Since I was raised in an environment where the father figure was absent most of the time, it is no wonder that I tended to follow in the footsteps of the only parental figure available to me, my Mom. As a result, I admired her and wanted to do the things she did. I did not know it at the time, but she was my role model.
I was a creative kid and Mom encouraged my creative side. I loved sports, especially baseball, but I was not very good at it (I could hit the ball a mile, but I threw "like a girl"). So early on, I knew where my strengths laid.
I spent a lot of time writing and drawing and my mother supported and encouraged me. Eventually, I became a successful professional writer with a lot of thanks going to Mom.
I looked like my Mom's side of the family and inherited many of her features like her long legs and her facial features. When I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like her; people would mistake us for mother and daughter, i.e., if she were alive and I dressed en femme in her presence.
Besides influencing my creative side, she also influenced my penchant for being feminine.
Mom often commented that because I had such nice legs, I should have been a girl. If she had made that comment once, I probably would have forgotten about it, but it seemed to me that she made that comment whenever she saw my legs bare. Don't you think that may have influenced me?
She also made comments about the way I walked. She said I "tippy-toed," i.e., I walked on my toes. I assumed from her comments that tippy-toeing was not the correct way for a male to walk, but I did not know how to walk any other way. She never showed me how I was supposed to walk, so I just kept on tippy-toeing.
I don't tippy-toe any longer. As I grew older, I must have figured out how to walk like a male. However, all my early years tippy-toeing may have facilitated my walking in high heels because ever since I slipped on my first pair of pumps, I never had a problem walking in heels.
I did not think that Mom knew about my crossdressing, because she never broached the subject despite the fact that I often got into her stuff and even ruined some items that I found out the hard way, were too small for me. I was very much in the closet then and I was just as happy that she did not know. But, she knew.
As newlyweds, my wife and I crossdressed for a Halloween party and when I mentioned our party plans to Mom over the phone, she asked if I had taken my box of "stuff" with me when I moved out.
I don't recall my response, but at that moment, I knew she knew. She never mentioned it again and neither did I.
However, once in awhile right up to her death, she would ask me, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"
I always thought she was referring to my crossdressing when she asked and I always said, "No."
In retrospect, I wish I had confided in Mom about me becoming a woman. She was so loving and so supportive that I think she would have helped me. (She was a great seamstress by the way and I can only dream about the outfits she might have sewn for her male daughter.) But, I did not confide in her and I regret it now.
But, if there is a heaven, I am sure Mom smiles down on me when she sees her firstborn dressed en femme enjoying her time as a woman.
So, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
Your Loving Daughter,
Stana
This month's update of the Famous Females of Height List adds a new tall woman to the list and updates another who had made the list in the past.
Our newest addition to the list is 5'9" actress Alexandra Maria Lara, who appeared in the film The Reader.
Our update is a simple name change: 5'10" Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, nee Kate Middleton (see accompanying photo).
