I've worn women's clothing and cosmetics since the age of 16 -- but that doesn't mean what you might expect
Yesterday, Salon posted this article, which "is an adapted excerpt from Jon-Jon Goulian's memoir The Man in the Gray Flannel Skirt, available from Random House on May 17."
I read the article and identified with some of the things the author wrote, but not everything.
And so it goes.
I was also shimmering with pride after I read this story in The Barrie Examiner about Kyle Rehling, a transgendered youth, who "holds the distinction of being Barrie's first transgender student mayor."
Read the all about it here.
"Femulate" is this week's "Word of the Week" over at the always informative and entertaining Jessica Who? blog. (Thank you, Jessica!)
Coincidentally, I was Googling something trans-related yesterday and I ended up on a forum where some girls were discussing something or other that was trans-related, and one of the girls used the word "femulate" in her forum posting. She was not referring to this blog, but was using femulate as a verb.
And that was not the first time I have seen the word used in that way.
What have I done?
As Henry Frankenstein once remarked, "It's alive!"
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| 2010 Dayton Hamvention |
By this time next week, I will be well on my way driving 730 miles to Dayton, Ohio to attend Hamvention en femme.
I have attended Hamvention 22 times in the past 33 years, but last year was the first time I attended en femme. (You can read about that experience here).
Last year's attendance en femme was an affirming experience. As I concluded last year, "Overall, the weekend worked out great. Everyone I encountered accepted me one way or another.
"All my friends and acquaintances were very ok with the new me.
"The strangers who engaged me throughout the weekend, hams and civilians alike, accepted me as a woman, trans or otherwise.
"I could not ask for anything more."
Truth be told, I could ask for more... from me.
Last year, I had prepared ahead of time. I came out to the people I would encounter frequently throughout the weekend, like my editor and the guys, who would be staffing my organization's booth alongside me. They expected me to be en femme, so I had no problems facing them en femme.
On the other hand, I shyed away from other people I knew at Hamvention, who were not in the know. I was unsure how they would react, so I did not bother waking up the sleeping dogs and did not confront them with a new version of me.
This year, I plan to be more outgoing and show my pretty face (!) to everyone I know at Hamvention. I expect that most folks will just shrug their shoulders and be ok with it, but I will be prepared for worse reactions.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Call me "Jamie." It is not my real name; it’s the name I go by when I dress up like a boy.
I dress like a boy because I am a crossdresser. I prefer male clothing to female clothing. In addition, I try to act like a boy. I want to be masculine, not feminine.
I want to be able to go out in society and pass as a male, but my female characteristics are difficult to disguise, so passing is a tough goal to achieve. I will keep on trying to improve my presentation because I know it can be done.
Many crossdressers have websites where they display photos of themselves crossdressed and many of the photos are very convincing. These females look just like boys, so I know passing is possible. I may not be able to fool all of the people all of the time, but it would be nice if I could fool some of the people some of the time.
Also, there are websites that provide information on how to pass as a male. They describe how to walk, talk, and act like a boy; how to style your hair to look like a boy; what undergarments to wear to achieve a male form; etc., etc. There are also online stores that cater to crossdressers where you can buy everything you need to "express your masculine side."
My crossdressing started around the age of puberty. I don't know where the idea came from; it just popped in my head while I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower and there was one of Dad's suits hanging on the shower curtain rod.
That pinstriped suit called my name and I could not resist trying it on. It fit me like a glove. I felt so masculine wearing it and I could not take my eyes off myself preening in the full-length mirror mounted on the bathroom door.
Suddenly, I felt very guilty and was worried that I might be caught, so I slipped out of the suit as quickly as possible, hung it back on its hangar, and took a cold shower.
Since then, I dress in my Dad's and brother's clothes whenever I am home alone.
I prefer my brother's clothes because he is only two years older than I, so he dresses like a boy my age dresses, whereas my Dad's clothes are more adult, i.e., clothing that an adult male wears.
But Dad's wardrobe includes items that my brother's wardrobe does not, so when I dress, I borrow items from both my Dad and my brother. For example, my brother has no suits, whereas Dad has six suits and I guess after that first crossdressing experience in the bathroom, I have a thing for suits.
My favorite suit is one Dad wears when he and Mom go out to a fancy restaurant or to a dinner party. I like it because it has a more youthful look than his other suits, which are more conservative, i.e., the kinds of suits you wear to the office or to church.
Dad claims that that suit is a "channel knock-off," whatever that means? The fabric of the suit is a rosy pink boucle with blue undertones. It has a cropped jacket with four buttons and four pockets and a pencil skirt that’s 20 inches long.
Dad also has a matching pair of pink pumps with a 4-inch stiletto heel; he looks so masculine in that outfit! And, wow, my Dad has great legs; he sure shows them off in that suit with its skirt about four inches above his knees, wearing off-white pantyhose perched on those 4-inch pumps.
Dad is a beautiful male. He is a platinum blonde and always looks great no matter what hairdo he wears. His makeup skills are excellent, too, with huge eyes and full pouty lips.
I try to emulate Dad when I crossdress. And sometimes when I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like him.
Juan at New Male Fashion For The Alternative Man blog has featured some amazing images of Andrej Pejic during the past few weeks (that's where the image accompanying this post came from).
Andrej seems to look more feminine in each new photo shoot. Has he permanently switched sides and joined the other team yet?
Anyway, here are links to those recent Andrej image postings on Juan's blog:
I know that a few of my readers won't approve of Andrej Pejic being called a New Male. At least not in this editorial... starting with the title. "There's not much left of a male here", they might argue. "He's way more than wearing feminine stuff: he's unmistakably portraying a feminine character". "He's even wearing a breast-enhancing corset". "He's definitely in drag", they will say.
On the other hand, I'm sure that most of you people, like myself, will simply delight in his wonderful good looks. After all, for many decades now women fashion magazines have been promoting the "boyfriend's look", or "androgynous fashion" for the ladies. Isn't it time for the "girlfriend's look" for us?
What's more: aren't some of you dying to show up to a party in any of these getups? Be honest: Wouldn't that be lovely? But... would you look just as gorgeous?
My thoughts exactly!
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| (Brearley Collection Photo) |
The Femulate hit counter climbed past the 2 million mark early this morning! All I have to say is "Wow!" and thank you all for coming back every day to read and see what I post here.
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| "Everyone thinks we're sisters, but actually, we're mother and son." (from New Yorker) |
Mom was the most influential person in my life and influenced my penchant for crossdressing in a number of ways.
She was beautiful and did not need makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were all she ever used. I know because I enjoyed watching her put on her minimal makeup.
She always dressed like a fashionable lady and that was difficult to accomplish because money was tight when I was a kid. As a result, Mom sewed her own clothes, as well as clothes for my sister.
I guess I was jealous of my sister and wished that Mom would sew something for me, but there were few sewing patterns for boys' clothing. However, I would have been perfectly happy if she sewed a pretty dress for me like she did for my sister.
My Dad was a great guy, but he was not around much when I was growing up. He worked all the overtime he could get to make ends meet. For a few years, he also had a second job.
I can remember way back to my earliest memories when I actually thought that my father was a visitor because his appearances at home during my waking hours were so rare. So, during my formative years, Dad was at work, while my Mom was at home raising my sister and me.
Since I was raised in an environment where the father figure was absent most of the time, it is no wonder that I tended to follow in the footsteps of the only parental figure available to me, my Mom. As a result, I admired her and wanted to do the things she did. I did not know it at the time, but she was my role model.
I was a creative kid and Mom encouraged my creative side. I loved sports, especially baseball, but I was not very good at it (I could hit the ball a mile, but I threw "like a girl"). So early on, I knew where my strengths laid.
I spent a lot of time writing and drawing and my mother supported and encouraged me. Eventually, I became a successful professional writer with a lot of thanks going to Mom.
I looked like my Mom's side of the family and inherited many of her features like her long legs and her facial features. When I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like her; people would mistake us for mother and daughter, i.e., if she were alive and I dressed en femme in her presence.
Besides influencing my creative side, she also influenced my penchant for being feminine.
Mom often commented that because I had such nice legs, I should have been a girl. If she had made that comment once, I probably would have forgotten about it, but it seemed to me that she made that comment whenever she saw my legs bare. Don't you think that may have influenced me?
She also made comments about the way I walked. She said I "tippy-toed," i.e., I walked on my toes. I assumed from her comments that tippy-toeing was not the correct way for a male to walk, but I did not know how to walk any other way. She never showed me how I was supposed to walk, so I just kept on tippy-toeing.
I don't tippy-toe any longer. As I grew older, I must have figured out how to walk like a male. However, all my early years tippy-toeing may have facilitated my walking in high heels because ever since I slipped on my first pair of pumps, I never had a problem walking in heels.
I did not think that Mom knew about my crossdressing, because she never broached the subject despite the fact that I often got into her stuff and even ruined some items that I found out the hard way, were too small for me. I was very much in the closet then and I was just as happy that she did not know. But, she knew.
As newlyweds, my wife and I crossdressed for a Halloween party and when I mentioned our party plans to Mom over the phone, she asked if I had taken my box of "stuff" with me when I moved out.
I don't recall my response, but at that moment, I knew she knew. She never mentioned it again and neither did I.
However, once in awhile right up to her death, she would ask me, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"
I always thought she was referring to my crossdressing when she asked and I always said, "No."
In retrospect, I wish I had confided in Mom about me becoming a woman. She was so loving and so supportive that I think she would have helped me. (She was a great seamstress by the way and I can only dream about the outfits she might have sewn for her male daughter.) But, I did not confide in her and I regret it now.
But, if there is a heaven, I am sure Mom smiles down on me when she sees her firstborn dressed en femme enjoying her time as a woman.
So, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
Your Loving Daughter,
Stana
This month's update of the Famous Females of Height List adds a new tall woman to the list and updates another who had made the list in the past.
Our newest addition to the list is 5'9" actress Alexandra Maria Lara, who appeared in the film The Reader.
Our update is a simple name change: 5'10" Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, nee Kate Middleton (see accompanying photo).
I bought a pair of Dr. Dr. Scholl's “For Her Ball of Foot Cushions" last week and had two occasions to try them out.
On Saturday, I wore pumps with 4-inch stiletto heels for 8 hours. I was on my feet all morning on Saturday and by noon, my feet hurt badly. For the rest of the day, I went barefoot whenever I could.
On Tuesday, I wore pumps with 3-inch chunky heels for 10 hours. I shopped in the morning, but was off my feet most of the afternoon and evening. My feet felt fine until the very end of the day when the toe I stubbed two weeks ago began to ache.
Did the inserts make a difference?
It is hard to say.
You might conclude that....
1. The inserts did not help on Saturday, but did help on Tuesday, or
2. The pumps I wore on Tuesday were more comfortable than the pumps I wore on Saturday, or
3. My activity on Saturday was more stressful on my feet than my activity on Tuesday, or
4. A combination of all of the above.
I think the fourth conclusion might be the correct one. A true test would be to wear the same pair of shoes with and without the inserts for the same period of time, but this is not a scientific experiment and so it goes.
Nonetheless, I do plan to continue to wear the inserts.
I was dressed and out the door at 9:45 AM.
My main goal for the day was to attend two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University. Each semester, the class has a trans day and invites trans folks to tell their stories and then field questions from the students. The first class was at 12:20 PM, so I had some time to shop for shoes before meeting Diana to carpool to Southern.
First stop was DSW. They had many of the shoe styles I was looking for, but none in my size. So, I searched for anything in my size, but found nothing. I did find three pairs in the non-wide version of my size and tried them on. Sometimes the non-wides fit, but that was not the case at DSW yesterday.
Next stop was the mall. Online I saw some shoes at JCPenney that interested me, so that was where I intended to shop. I parked my car at the Nordstrom entrance, entered the mall through Nordstrom and lo and behold, their shoe department was in my way. I could not resist, so I looked around and found some shoes that I liked.
A saleman greeted me and I asked him what was the biggest size shoe that they stocked.
He replied that they had heels as high as six inches!
I laughed and explained that I was referring to shoe size, not heel height.
He laughed, then asked me what size I needed.
I told him the size and styles I was interested in and he went into the stock room to find what he could find.
Ten minutes passed and I was about to give up on him, but then he returned to the sales floor with a stack of ten shoeboxes; all in my size, but not in wide.
I went through his finds and eliminated about half of them on the basis of style. Then I tried on the remainder, but none of them fit. The salesman checked to see if any of them came in wide, but none of them did.
I thanked him for his help and walked through the mall to JCPenney. There I found the shoes that I saw online and asked the saleswoman if they had them in my size. She went into the stockroom, but came back empty-handed.
It was getting late, so I exited the mall, returned to my car, drove to Diana's house, got into her car, and she drove to Southern.
We arrived at the classroom and found 30 students and two other trans women, who we had done this with before. Usually, there are one or two female-to-males, but not this time, so it was just us four trans males-to-females to do the job.
The students in the two classes asked a lot of questions and in general, seemed comfortable interacting with us. I can recall only one question that I had not heard asked before, i.e., did I ever have an altercation with a male while I was en femme? My answer was "no."
Between classes, we had snacks at the student center with Professor Schildroth and talked about friends, acquaintances, and what is going on in the local trans community.
After classes, we read the students' evaluations of our presentations. Many of the students admit that we were the first trans people they have ever encountered. Just as many commented that the encounter left them with a very positive impression regarding trans people. The biggest revelation for a lot of them was that being trans does not mean being gay.
A few comments indicated that there was still some confusion, but in general, the evaluations indicated that we did a good job.
After the second class, three of us went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and then we went home.
I saved the best part of the day for last.
After the first class, a female student approached me. She said that when I entered the class, she thought I was a woman, not a trans woman, but a born woman.
Thank you, I thought to myself, but then she added that besides thinking I was a born woman, I was also the most beautiful older adult woman that she had ever seen in person!
I thanked her profusely aloud as she examined my presentation real up close now. She thought I was about 45 years old and she was very surprised when I revealed that I was 60 (even up close).
Then she told me something very personal that I will not repeat here. I thought I detected her eyes beginning to well up.
The encounter became so emotional for me that I cannot remember if I gave her hug or not. (If I didn't, I should have.)
Those few minutes with her were priceless to me and I will remember her forever.
Out Tuesday
Tomorrow, I will participate in two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.
Typically, four to eight trans people show up for this event. Professor Schildroth introduces us to the class, we each give a short biography, and then the students ask questions.
Sometimes the students have lots of questions and sometimes getting them to ask questions is like pulling teeth!
You never know, but either way, our participation gives us an opportunity to do outreach amongst the civilian population. To evangelize the fact that trans people are just like everybody else... maybe with just a little more fashion-sense.
A Visit With HR
After attending the Transgender Health and Law Conference on Saturday, I had questions for my Human Resource (HR) representative at work.
Before going into see my HR rep, I double-checked the employee handbook and as I remembered, there were no references to "gender identification" or "transgender."
I was concerned with the contradictory messages I thought I received from my HR rep on the two occasions I spoke to her about being transgender. I asked my rep about what I perceived as mixed messages.
Her reply was that there was no company policy regarding transgender or gender identity. On the other hand, she believed that the company would support my gender identity because it has always fully supported its gay employees.
She was very sympathetic and supportive. I don't think she was just humoring me, but you never know.
I thought about sending her a photo of myself en femme to show that I am presentable, but I hesitated to do so because I did not think it was the right thing to do at this time.
I did send her information about the bill in our state legislature that she was unaware of concerning the extension of the state's non-discrimination laws to cover transgenders.
And so it goes.
Yesterday, I attended Connecticut TransAdvocacy Coalition's annual Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference at the UConn Health Center in Farmington, CT. I never saw so many tall women and short men in one place at one time!
Kidding aside, it was a great conference. I worked the registration table most of the morning, so I had an opportunity to meet many of the attendees. One hundred ninety-five had preregistered and there were approximately 35 walk-ins, so attendance was about 230, which is a 43% increase in attendance over last year's 160.
The crowd was evenly divided between women and men; there also was a good representation of our allies.
After my work was done, I ate lunch with Tanya, Melissa, and Vickie. I met Tanya at Fantasia Fair last October; she reads this blog religiously, so here's a shout-out to Tanya! Melissa and Vickie were new acquaintances. We all had a nice discussion over lunch.
After lunch, I attended one workshop in the afternoon concerning transgenders in the workplace. The presenters are involved in CABO, the Connecticut Alliance for Business Opportunities, LGBT Chamber of Commerce. Coming from an employer's perspective, they evangelized the hiring of LGBTs.
Most of the audience had an employee perspective, so members of the audience talked about their concerns. The discussion was so interesting that the session ran over its allotted time.
I stopped by CABO's booth afterwards and continued the discussion. I was so motivated by it all that I am seriously considering pursuing the establishment of an LGBT group at work for the good of my LGBT co-workers as well as myself.
I had been up since 4:45 AM, had worked hard in heels all morning, and by mid-afternoon, I was too pooped to Polka, so I left the premises at 2:30 PM after having a very rewarding day.
(I apologize for running the same candid photo as I ran yesterday, but hands down, it beats all of my posed photos taken at the conference. And again, thank you Jamie Dailey for taking some photos without twisting your arm!)
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A candid photo of me during a lull at the registration table at Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference earlier today. (photo by Jamie Dailey)
At Wal*Mart, I scored three pairs of L'eggs nude pantyhose in my size and a package of Dr. Scholl's “For Her Ball of Foot Cushions,” but no stick-on nails.
At Rite-Aid, I lucked out because they have my favorite brand of stick-on nails (Kiss) and they were on sale --- buy one set and get the second at half price. I bought four sets, which means I got one set for free.
If you use Kiss stick-on nails like I do, this is a good deal. But I believe the sale ends when they shut the stores on Saturday, so get down to your local Rite Aid ASAP.
By the way, I am trying shoe cushion inserts for the first time since my friend Patty recommended them. After I test them on Saturday, I will let you know how my feet feel after wearing heels all day long. My high heel foot pain, if any, is usually at the ball of my feet, never the heels and never the toes, so I hope Dr. Scholl's will make a difference.
I did not have a solid unibrow, but there were enough hairs above the bridge of my nose that it was not very ladylike. So early on, I took a razor to that patch of hair.
In boy mode, nobody noticed that I now had two distinct eyebrows. (Wearing eyeglasses in boy mode also helped to disguise my eyebrow feminization.)
Emboldened, I bought eyebrow tweezers and an eyebrow trimmer. With the tweezers, I attacked the stray hairs and with the trimmer, I shortened any hairs that had grown to unruly, unladylike lengths.
The result was neater and more feminine brows. And in boy mode, nobody noticed.
Further emboldened, I began using the tweezers to thin my brows. I only thinned along the bottoms, never the tops because I had read on a number of occasions that you should not pluck along the tops of your brows.
Still nobody noticed, so I kept on thinning and the result was a perfect feminine sweeping curve along the bottom of my brows, while the top was not so perfect.
I was a little frustrated until I visited our public library and took out a book titled Beautiful Brows: The Ultimate Guide to Styling, Shaping, and Maintaining Your Eyebrows by Nancy Parker and Nancy Kalish.
The book deflated the advice about not plucking above your eyebrows and said to go ahead and pluck above, as well as below.
Immediately after reading that passage, I dropped the book, went to the bathroom, and plucked all the strays above my eyebrows!
Now my eyebrows, both tops and bottoms looked neat and feminine and since then, I continued to pluck and thin above and below.
Last week, while I was doing my makeup, I noticed how feminine my eyebrows had become. I realized that I could stop shaping my eyebrows and just maintain what I have achieved.
I know this is such a minor matter in the grand scheme of things, but every little feminine matter counts when you are trying to feel as comfortable as you can in your skin.
Oh, by the way, in boy mode, nobody ever noticed or at least, nobody ever mentioned it.
According to the report, Tampa Riverview High School principal Bob Heilman feared that the boy was being bullied and convinced the student to remove the heels for his own safety.
"The high heels didn’t violate any particular dress code, the principal conceded.
"While some of the high school students agreed with the principal, others felt that the student should just be allowed to wear what he likes."
Another boy wore a dress on Monday, according to Heilman.
"After we chatted, he decided not to do that. I was concerned about his safety."
(Photo source: The New Male Fashion For The Alternative Man)
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To work Tuesday, I wore a flowing long-sleeved vee-neck burgundy tunic with a hem just covering my derriere over tight black jeans and black flats. No one commented on my outfit.
Also, I have been wearing a red-tinted lip balm since my recent bout with a cold. I started wearing the lip balm because my lips were getting chapped.
I so liked the look and feel of something lipstick-like on my lips (a little daily feminine touch) that I have continued wearing lip balm after recovering from my cold.
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I continue to use the ANEW Lash-Transforming Serum from Avon. I only apply it once a day --- in the morning before I moisturize --- rather than twice per day as I did when I started using it last May. My eyelashes continue to grow and fill out.
My eyelashes are a light shade, so I have to look closely to notice the change in boy mode. But apply some mascara and Wow! --- the change is spectacular!
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Lately, my wife has been referring to me as “she.”
I am not sure why.
She seldom sees me dressed en femme. In deference to her, I do not dress en femme around the house; I only dress en femme at home to go out.
Am I so womanly now that I don’t need female clothing to throw off a female vibe?
