Inserts Inconclusive

I bought a pair of Dr. Dr. Scholl's “For Her Ball of Foot Cushions" last week and had two occasions to try them out.

On Saturday, I wore pumps with 4-inch stiletto heels for 8 hours. I was on my feet all morning on Saturday and by noon, my feet hurt badly. For the rest of the day, I went barefoot whenever I could.

On Tuesday, I wore pumps with 3-inch chunky heels for 10 hours. I shopped in the morning, but was off my feet most of the afternoon and evening. My feet felt fine until the very end of the day when the toe I stubbed two weeks ago began to ache.

Did the inserts make a difference?

It is hard to say.

You might conclude that....

1. The inserts did not help on Saturday, but did help on Tuesday, or

2. The pumps I wore on Tuesday were more comfortable than the pumps I wore on Saturday, or

3. My activity on Saturday was more stressful on my feet than my activity on Tuesday, or

4. A combination of all of the above.

I think the fourth conclusion might be the correct one. A true test would be to wear the same pair of shoes with and without the inserts for the same period of time, but this is not a scientific experiment and so it goes.

Nonetheless, I do plan to continue to wear the inserts.

Saved The Best For Last

I was dressed and out the door at 9:45 AM.

My main goal for the day was to attend two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University. Each semester, the class has a trans day and invites trans folks to tell their stories and then field questions from the students. The first class was at 12:20 PM, so I had some time to shop for shoes before meeting Diana to carpool to Southern.

First stop was DSW. They had many of the shoe styles I was looking for, but none in my size. So, I searched for anything in my size, but found nothing. I did find three pairs in the non-wide version of my size and tried them on. Sometimes the non-wides fit, but that was not the case at DSW yesterday.

Next stop was the mall. Online I saw some shoes at JCPenney that interested me, so that was where I intended to shop. I parked my car at the Nordstrom entrance, entered the mall through Nordstrom and lo and behold, their shoe department was in my way. I could not resist, so I looked around and found some shoes that I liked.

A saleman greeted me and I asked him what was the biggest size shoe that they stocked.

He replied that they had heels as high as six inches!

I laughed and explained that I was referring to shoe size, not heel height.

He laughed, then asked me what size I needed.

I told him the size and styles I was interested in and he went into the stock room to find what he could find.

Ten minutes passed and I was about to give up on him, but then he returned to the sales floor with a stack of ten shoeboxes; all in my size, but not in wide.

I went through his finds and eliminated about half of them on the basis of style. Then I tried on the remainder, but none of them fit. The salesman checked to see if any of them came in wide, but none of them did.

I thanked him for his help and walked through the mall to JCPenney. There I found the shoes that I saw online and asked the saleswoman if they had them in my size. She went into the stockroom, but came back empty-handed.

It was getting late, so I exited the mall, returned to my car, drove to Diana's house, got into her car, and she drove to Southern.

We arrived at the classroom and found 30 students and two other trans women, who we had done this with before. Usually, there are one or two female-to-males, but not this time, so it was just us four trans males-to-females to do the job.

The students in the two classes asked a lot of questions and in general, seemed comfortable interacting with us. I can recall only one question that I had not heard asked before, i.e., did I ever have an altercation with a male while I was en femme? My answer was "no."

Between classes, we had snacks at the student center with Professor Schildroth and talked about friends, acquaintances, and what is going on in the local trans community.

After classes, we read the students' evaluations of our presentations. Many of the students admit that we were the first trans people they have ever encountered. Just as many commented that the encounter left them with a very positive impression regarding trans people. The biggest revelation for a lot of them was that being trans does not mean being gay.

A few comments indicated that there was still some confusion, but in general, the evaluations indicated that we did a good job.

After the second class, three of us went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and then we went home.

I saved the best part of the day for last.

After the first class, a female student approached me. She said that when I entered the class, she thought I was a woman, not a trans woman, but a born woman.

Thank you, I thought to myself, but then she added that besides thinking I was a born woman, I was also the most beautiful older adult woman that she had ever seen in person!

I thanked her profusely aloud as she examined my presentation real up close now. She thought I was about 45 years old and she was very surprised when I revealed that I was 60 (even up close).

Then she told me something very personal that I will not repeat here. I thought I detected her eyes beginning to well up.

The encounter became so emotional for me that I cannot remember if I gave her hug or not. (If I didn't, I should have.)

Those few minutes with her were priceless to me and I will remember her forever.

Out Tuesday and A Visit With HR

Out Tuesday

Tomorrow, I will participate in two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.

Typically, four to eight trans people show up for this event. Professor Schildroth introduces us to the class, we each give a short biography, and then the students ask questions.

Sometimes the students have lots of questions and sometimes getting them to ask questions is like pulling teeth!

You never know, but either way, our participation gives us an opportunity to do outreach amongst the civilian population. To evangelize the fact that trans people are just like everybody else... maybe with just a little more fashion-sense.

A Visit With HR

After attending the Transgender Health and Law Conference on Saturday, I had questions for my Human Resource (HR) representative at work.

Before going into see my HR rep, I double-checked the employee handbook and as I remembered, there were no references to "gender identification" or "transgender."

I was concerned with the contradictory messages I thought I received from my HR rep on the two occasions I spoke to her about being transgender. I asked my rep about what I perceived as mixed messages.

Her reply was that there was no company policy regarding transgender or gender identity. On the other hand, she believed that the company would support my gender identity because it has always fully supported its gay employees.

She was very sympathetic and supportive. I don't think she was just humoring me, but you never know.

I thought about sending her a photo of myself en femme to show that I am presentable, but I hesitated to do so because I did not think it was the right thing to do at this time.

I did send her information about the bill in our state legislature that she was unaware of concerning the extension of the state's non-discrimination laws to cover transgenders.

And so it goes.

Transgender Health and Law Conference

Yesterday, I attended Connecticut TransAdvocacy Coalition's annual Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference at the UConn Health Center in Farmington, CT. I never saw so many tall women and short men in one place at one time!

Kidding aside, it was a great conference. I worked the registration table most of the morning, so I had an opportunity to meet many of the attendees. One hundred ninety-five had preregistered and there were approximately 35 walk-ins, so attendance was about 230, which is a 43% increase in attendance over last year's 160.

The crowd was evenly divided between women and men; there also was a good representation of our allies.

After my work was done, I ate lunch with Tanya, Melissa, and Vickie. I met Tanya at Fantasia Fair last October; she reads this blog religiously, so here's a shout-out to Tanya! Melissa and Vickie were new acquaintances. We all had a nice discussion over lunch.

After lunch, I attended one workshop in the afternoon concerning transgenders in the workplace. The presenters are involved in CABO, the Connecticut Alliance for Business Opportunities, LGBT Chamber of Commerce. Coming from an employer's perspective, they evangelized the hiring of LGBTs.

Most of the audience had an employee perspective, so members of the audience talked about their concerns. The discussion was so interesting that the session ran over its allotted time.

I stopped by CABO's booth afterwards and continued the discussion. I was so motivated by it all that I am seriously considering pursuing the establishment of an LGBT group at work for the good of my LGBT co-workers as well as myself.

I had been up since 4:45 AM, had worked hard in heels all morning, and by mid-afternoon, I was too pooped to Polka, so I left the premises at 2:30 PM after having a very rewarding day.

(I apologize for running the same candid photo as I ran yesterday, but hands down, it beats all of my posed photos taken at the conference. And again, thank you Jamie Dailey for taking some photos without twisting your arm!)

Earlier Today

A candid photo of me during a lull at the registration table at Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference earlier today. (photo by Jamie Dailey)

Nailing A Bargain

Today, I shopped during my lunch hour. Pantyhose, stick-on finger nails, and cushion inserts for my high heels were on my shopping list.

At Wal*Mart, I scored three pairs of L'eggs nude pantyhose in my size and a package of Dr. Scholl's “For Her Ball of Foot Cushions,” but no stick-on nails.

At Rite-Aid, I lucked out because they have my favorite brand of stick-on nails (Kiss) and they were on sale --- buy one set and get the second at half price. I bought four sets, which means I got one set for free.

If you use Kiss stick-on nails like I do, this is a good deal. But I believe the sale ends when they shut the stores on Saturday, so get down to your local Rite Aid ASAP.

By the way, I am trying shoe cushion inserts for the first time since my friend Patty recommended them. After I test them on Saturday, I will let you know how my feet feel after wearing heels all day long. My high heel foot pain, if any, is usually at the ball of my feet, never the heels and never the toes, so I hope Dr. Scholl's will make a difference.

Just Like Keira Knightley

I had a unibrow when I started to get serious about femulating (and I started to get serious about femulating about the time I stepped out of the house femulated for the first time and it was not Halloween.)

I did not have a solid unibrow, but there were enough hairs above the bridge of my nose that it was not very ladylike. So early on, I took a razor to that patch of hair.

In boy mode, nobody noticed that I now had two distinct eyebrows. (Wearing eyeglasses in boy mode also helped to disguise my eyebrow feminization.)

Emboldened, I bought eyebrow tweezers and an eyebrow trimmer. With the tweezers, I attacked the stray hairs and with the trimmer, I shortened any hairs that had grown to unruly, unladylike lengths.

The result was neater and more feminine brows. And in boy mode, nobody noticed.

Further emboldened, I began using the tweezers to thin my brows. I only thinned along the bottoms, never the tops because I had read on a number of occasions that you should not pluck along the tops of your brows.

Still nobody noticed, so I kept on thinning and the result was a perfect feminine sweeping curve along the bottom of my brows, while the top was not so perfect.

I was a little frustrated until I visited our public library and took out a book titled Beautiful Brows: The Ultimate Guide to Styling, Shaping, and Maintaining Your Eyebrows by Nancy Parker and Nancy Kalish.

The book deflated the advice about not plucking above your eyebrows and said to go ahead and pluck above, as well as below.

Immediately after reading that passage, I dropped the book, went to the bathroom, and plucked all the strays above my eyebrows!

Now my eyebrows, both tops and bottoms looked neat and feminine and since then, I continued to pluck and thin above and below.

Last week, while I was doing my makeup, I noticed how feminine my eyebrows had become. I realized that  I could stop shaping my eyebrows and just maintain what I have achieved.

I know this is such a minor matter in the grand scheme of things, but every little feminine matter counts when you are trying to feel as comfortable as you can in your skin.

Oh, by the way, in boy mode, nobody ever noticed or at least, nobody ever mentioned it.

Wednesday Wonderings

I read today where a Florida male high school student got in trouble for wearing high heels.

According to the report, Tampa Riverview High School principal Bob Heilman feared that the boy was being bullied and convinced the student to remove the heels for his own safety.

"The high heels didn’t violate any particular dress code, the principal conceded.

"While some of the high school students agreed with the principal, others felt that the student should just be allowed to wear what he likes."

Another boy wore a dress on Monday, according to Heilman.

"After we chatted, he decided not to do that. I was concerned about his safety."

(Photo source: The New Male Fashion For The Alternative Man)

---

To work Tuesday, I wore a flowing long-sleeved vee-neck burgundy tunic with a hem just covering my derriere over tight black jeans and black flats. No one commented on my outfit.

Also, I have been wearing a red-tinted lip balm since my recent bout with a cold. I started wearing the lip balm because my lips were getting chapped.

I so liked the look and feel of something lipstick-like on my lips (a little daily feminine touch) that I have continued wearing lip balm after recovering from my cold. 

---

I continue to use the ANEW Lash-Transforming Serum from Avon. I only apply it once a day --- in the morning before I moisturize --- rather than twice per day as I did when I started using it last May. My eyelashes continue to grow and fill out.

My eyelashes are a light shade, so I have to look closely to notice the change in boy mode. But apply some mascara and Wow! --- the change is spectacular!

---

Lately, my wife has been referring to me as “she.”

I am not sure why.

She seldom sees me dressed en femme. In deference to her, I do not dress en femme around the house; I only dress en femme at home to go out.

Am I so womanly now that I don’t need female clothing to throw off a female vibe?

Try On His High Heels, Too

Transgender Health and Law Conference

Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference, takes place this Saturday, April 30, at the UConn Health Center in Farmington, CT.

Check out the line-up of presentations; they are all about the important things that affect each one of us. So, if you are in the area, you should attend the conference and if you are not in the area, you should think about making an effort to attend.

The conference site is strategically located on I-84 exactly halfway between Boston and New York City (110 miles either way).   

I volunteered to help out and will be working the registration desk throughout the day. If you attend the conference, please say "Hello" if you see me.

Many Happy Returns

Reviewing my day out shopping en femme on Thursday, I mentioned I was having buyer's remorse over the first dress I purchased that day: a long-sleeved A-line black and white that I purchased at Kohl's.

Truth be told, I bought that dress because I was a little desperate. After trying on a bunch of dresses at Kohl's, it was the best of the batch of the dresses that fit properly. I bought the dress just in case I was unable to find anything else that day.

As it turned out, I bought seven other dresses that day and they were all better than the one I bought at Kohl's, so I returned the dress for a refund today.

I also revisited my other purchases.

I loved the two dresses I bought at JCPenney, i.e., the little black empire dress and the black and white print sheath, which I wore out Thursday evening, as seen in the accompanying photo.

The JCPenney dresses were keepers, but I took a long hard look at my Dress Barn purchases.

I began to hate the way I looked in one dress (the belted white sateen shirt dress) and the thrill was gone with another dress (the black and white speckled print A-line), so I returned both for a refund today.

So I now have five new dresses instead of eight and $112 in my purse to spend on new shoes next time I am out shopping en femme.

Transition Wisely

I received an e-mail this morning with the subject "Transition Wisely."

At first blush, I was surprised to find an e-mail on that subject in my male e-mail in-box, then I realized it was an advertisement from Bluefly, a clothing retailer.

I was very amused!

I hope everyone has a great holiday!

Love, Stana

Dinner and Cocktails

After my morning and afternoon shopping en femme, I returned to my motel room to pick out a dress from my purchases to wear to dinner and cocktails Thursday evening.

When I was trying on the sleeveless A-line black and white print at JCPenney, I thought then that it would be the dress to wear to dinner. But I tried on all my purchases anyway, modeled them for my photographer (Mr. Canon Self-Timer), and decided that my initial choice was correct.

I rested awhile, touched up my face with my electric razor, and freshened my makeup laying on a few extra layers all around for a more glamorous evening look. The accompanying photo shows the results.

My editor, Miss K, has wanted to attend the Real Art Ways Creative Cocktail Hour for awhile, so we made plans to go together. I suggested that we dine out beforehand.

At 5 PM, we met at a Mexican restaurant. Over dinner, Miss K revealed to me that nearly everyone at the organization I freelance for knows about me being transgender. I dunno if one of the three people I outed myself to let the cat out of the bag or whether my en femme appearance at the Dayton convention last year got back to the organization headquarters and spread throughout the building.

Either way, I do not mind at all.

Coincidentally, I was early getting to the restaurant and while I was waiting for Miss K, I thought about driving over to the organization's headquarters which is nearby and introducing the staff to Stana. If I knew that most of the staff already knew, I would have definitely made an appearance.

I also discovered that Miss K was under the impression that the Creative Cocktail Hour was a transgender event. I did mention early on that usually a dozen or so transgenders show up; I guess she misinterpreted that comment.

After dinner, I led our two-car convoy to the site of the cocktail party. The party was well underway with the parking lot already half full and the attendees filling up at the bar. (FYI, Miss K and I had one drink each.)

As luck would have it, there was a dearth of transgenders while we were there. I counted four girls that I knew; if there were others, I missed them or they passed.

We strolled around the complex checking out the eclectic collection of art and attendees. While we were viewing one of the exhibits, I had the rare experience of a male trying to engage me in conversation. He was middle-aged, but probably younger than me. We chatted for a few minutes about the exhibit and that was the end of it.

I was tired, so I sat the remainder of time and chatted with Miss K and my transgender friends. I had the longest conversation with Miss J, a post-op male-to-female transwoman. It was enlightening to me because I mentioned how trans is on my mind all the time, whereas it was not the same for Miss J.

I always assumed that being trans was always on a transgenders' mind before transitioning; that transitioning was a relief and permitted them to move on. Does that mean that if I transitioned, I would continue to dwell on the the subject, not be relieved, and not move on? It is something to think about (as if I needed something else to think about).

Miss K asked me if I was happy and I told her that when I am en femme, I am happier than I am at any other time. She then said to me that when she looks at me, she sees a woman, whereas that is not necessarily the case when she looks at other transwomen.

"Wow!" I thought to myself.

Miss K called it quits about 8 PM and I did the same about 8:30. I said my goodbyes and drove off into the sunset thinking about another great day en femme.

Yesterday, All My Dresses Seemed So Far Away

I had a big day out en femme yesterday!

My plans were to do some shopping, dine and attend the monthly cocktail party at Real Art Ways.

Since the venue for my plans were all in the Hartford area, I decided to stay in an inexpensive motel in the area rather than drive back and forth to my home. The money I saved on gas almost paid for the room.

It was windy and unseasonably cool yesterday. I wore my Victoria's Secret lightweight sweater dress, black tights, black heels, and black sweater coat.

I was out the door about 10 AM.

My shopping goal was to buy new dresses for my trip to Dayton and other womanly outings during the upcoming months. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I bought eight new dresses!

Seven Dresses of April (click on the image to enlarge it)

My first stop was Kohl's. I was interested in some of the cute dresses they have been showing in their recent ads. I found some of the advertised dresses, but none in my size. However, I did find some in my size that had potential.

After three trips to the changing room, I bought a long-sleeved A-line dress with a black and white print (first dress on the left in the photo). I love black and white prints, but I am having buyer's remorse over this dress.

I left Kohl's and drove to the mall, where I intended to peruse the dress racks at JCPenney. I parked my car at the mall and walked into JCPenney. As I headed to the dress racks, a 30-something male store employee checked me out and as I walked away from him, he began singing "I'm in love."

That was nice!

I found a half dozen dresses of interest and hauled them all to the changing room. They were all the same size, but only two fit: a Vee-neck empire "little black dress" (second dress in the photo) and a sleeveless A-line black and white print. I bought both, exited the mall, and drove across the street to Dress Barn.

When shopping at Kohl's or JCPenney, you are on your own, but at Dress Barn, the staff is more attentive (my guess is that they work on commission). They help you find what you need, set up your own personal changing room, fetch another size if the item you are trying on is the wrong size, etc., etc.

I found four dresses of interest, carried them to my personal changing room and was very disappointed --- they were all too small.

This has been my experience at Dress Barn lately. Whereas, their size Misses 16 usually fit me in the past, now their Misses 16 no longer fit. I have not gained any weight, so the store must have adjusted their sizing.

As I headed to the Woman Size side of the store, I asked the saleswoman about it and she acknowledged that my suspicions were correct.

She then helped me find some dresses on the Woman Size side, I found a few myself, and hauled eight dresses to my changing room. They all fit and I liked five enough to purchase (the five dresses on the right in the photo).

• Belted white sateen shirt dress (third dress in the photo)

• Navy menswear ruffle color dress (fourth dress)

• Black jacquard sheath dress (fifth dress)

• Black and white speckled print A-line dress (sixth dress)

• Two tone (navy blue and white) graphic print shift with a boat neck and spliced short sleeves (seventh dress )

After over four hours of shopping, I was tired, so I returned to the motel to rest awhile before going out for dinner. I brought my purchases to my room to try them on again and decide what to wear for dinner and cocktail partying.

In my room, I realized I was very thirsty, so I left my room to go find the vending machines. When I got to the vending room, I discovered that I needed my electronic room key to access the vending room and then it hit me that I had left the key in my room.

I asked a cleaning woman if she could let me into my room, but she said I had to go to the front desk to get a new key.

Nuts! I was in boy mode when I checked in and now I was in girl mode, so the situation was not giving me the warm fuzzies. I hoped that someone new was working the front desk, but lo and behold, the same woman who had checked me in was working the desk.

I explained my situation to her and I could tell that she did not recognize me. She asked for my room number and last name and  looked quizzical when I responded. I told her I looked different now and she literally lit up when she finally recognized me. As she handed me my new key, she said, "You look very pretty!"

I thanked her profusely, bought an iced tea in the vending area, and returned to my room to model my dresses and pick one to wear for the evening.

Out Yesterday

I had a wonderful day and evening out en femme yesterday and I will have a fill report here shortly.

In the meantime, I leave you with a photo from yesterday morning minutes before I went out.

Out of Here!

Yay! I am finally going out en femme on Thursday. Shopping, dining, etc., etc.

A full report and photos will follow.

Not So Fast

In my most recent posts here, I evidently gave some people the impression that I was transitioning real soon now.

I wish that were true, but it is not. I am ready to transition, have been for some time now, but my circumstances are such that I don't see it happening in the near future unless something changes.

I am sorry if I misled anyone.

My Circumstances

In response to yesterday's post, I received e-mails wondering about how my wife feels about being married to a feminine man.

I have always been feminine. I was a feminine boy, a feminine teenager, and a feminine adult (and I have the scars to prove it).

My wife fell in love with me, a feminine man. She never tried to change me while we were dating, nor during our 30 years of marriage.

Early in our relationship, she encouraged my dressing en femme. She bought me "pink" gifts and suggested I find and join a support group. I flourished as a woman because of my wife.

My wife has a debilitating disease. The disease inflicted her years before we met and I was aware of it going into our marriage.

Over the years, the disease has taken a toll on my wife. As her condition worsened, she became less supportive of my dressing en femme; as her health issues become more burdensome, she wanted to be free of the burden of my transgender issues.

Today, she accepts my need to express my transgenderness by dressing en femme, but she is not happy about it. As a result, I do not dress en femme as often as I would like. I do the best that I can under the circumstances.

I often wonder where I'd be today if her support and encouragement had continued.

On a related note concerning yesterday's post, my desire to "transition" is nothing new. I have felt that way for a few years now, that is, the desire to live 24/7 as a woman.

And my version of "transition" does not involve hormones or surgery; electrolysis would be the only intrusion I would allow to make my body more feminine.

My transition would simply be a matter of replacing my male wardrobe with a female wardrobe and living my life as the woman I was meant to be.

And so it goes. 

In the Meantime

I am ready. I want to transition and start living 24/7 as a woman tomorrow morning. But circumstances prevent this from happening... at least for now.

In the meantime, I will relish every opportunity that comes my way to be en femme.

But what do I do during the time I cannot be en femme? The answer: Be a feminine guy.

I am already feminine in many ways. I often say that I am the most feminine guy most people I know know. But I wondered how I could step it up, that is, be more feminine.

So I searched for an answer and Miss Google revealed a webpage that describes "How to Be a Feminine Guy."

I already follow most of its recommendations to one degree or another. And here are some things that I do that are not on the list:

- Speak softly and carry a big purse

- Wear jewelry: necklaces, bracelets, earrings, etc.

- Paint nails with a clear lacquer

- Wear feminine underwear, that is, panties and camis, or if need be, shapewear (girdles, bras, etc.)

- Use feminized mannerisms, specifically, carriage, posture, and hand and arm placement

- Wear female footwear; flats will do, but something with a little heel is even better

- Curl eyelashes and thin eyebrows

- Wear feminine hosiery; knee-highs, tights, and pantyhose (depending on how much leg will show)

So in the meantime, girls, be the most feminine male you can be!

Updates

Today, I updated the Womanless Archive and the New York City page of My Ephemera.