my dream diary

I have been documenting all my trans-related dreams here and this is a new entry.

Last night, I dreamed I was preparing to play a woman's part in a stage play.

That is all I remember.

A Major Award

Petra Bellejambes of Voyages en Rose fame bestowed a major award upon yours truly: the Beautiful Blogger Award.

Sure I am a "blogger," but I dunno about the "beautiful" part. However, I am honored to receive recognition for this little spot on the Internet. Thank you, Petra, for the tribute.

The award does come with the some responsibilities.

1. I must thank the person who bestowed this honor upon me. Thank you again, Petra.

2. Copy the award and place it on my blog. Done.

3. Link to the bestowers’ site. Done.

4. Enumerate seven interesting things about yourself. Here they are:

• I own 64 pairs of shoes; two male pairs, 62 female pairs.

• I am such a perfectionist, i.e., anal retentive, that I actually counted my shoes before I wrote the previous entry.

• I attended the original Woodstock Music & Art Fair back in 1969.

• My first book sold enough copies to pay off the mortgage on my first house.

• I have an excellent sense of humor.

• I am a left-wing liberal and an atheist.

• I wanted to be a female impersonator when I grew up.

5. Nominate seven bloggers that you find beautiful. Here are my nominees for the Beautiful Blogger Award (in alphabetical order):

• Calie at Calie's Chronicles

• Diana at Diana’s Little Corner in the Nutmeg State

• Elaine Armen at Elaine's T* Art Blog

• Helen Boyd at en|Gender

• Jenna Elizabeth at Non-Cisgender

• Jodie Morgetron at Tres Bizarre

• Rebecca at Beck's Cafe

All seven of my nominees are bloggers, who are classically beautiful and most deserving of the award. Congratulations to them all.

last lengthy additions of 2009

Femulate closes 2009 with some new additions to the Famous Females of Height List:

5'8" - Marisa Miller - model

5’8” – Rosalind Russell – actress - films - born in my hometown

5'9" - Bar Refaeli - model

5'9" - Diane Sawyer - news reporter - television

5'11" - Brooke Hogan - singer - daughter of Hulk Hogan

5'11" - Hilary Rhoda - model (photo right)

6'3" - Katrina Hancock - sports reporter (Detroit area) - television

6'8" - Amazon Eve - model

Thank you Elaine Armen and JayCee for the Amazon Eve info, Meg Winters for Hilary Rhoda, Susan McDonnell for Katrina Hancock , and Suzanne Moore for Brooke Hogan.

my knee jerk

The story about the Pawlenty Newsweek interview came over the mojo wire late Monday night just as I was preparing to go to bed.

I was so outraged by the story that I quickly wrote about it here, then went to bed. In my outrage, I called Pawlenty a "Nazi" in both the title and text of my blog.

Next morning, I awoke and started having writer's regrets about calling Pawlenty a "Nazi."

To justify my name calling, I added the "update" to the post, which summarized the persecution of LGBT folks under the Nazi regime.

I still had writer's regrets and midday yesterday, I struck the word "Nazi" from the blog's title and replaced it with "transphobic." (I also struck that word from the first line of the post and replaced it with nothing.)

"Transphobic" was such a better choice than "Nazi." If I had not been so hasty publishing the original post, I like to think I would have used "transphobic" in the first place (after I calmed down about the story).

Sorry if I offended anybody with my first choice. Pawlenty is no more a "Nazi" than Obama is a "socialist," "communist," "fascist," or any other name the tea-baggers like to use when referring to our President.

On the other hand, what Pawlenty suggested is certainly on the road to a place I do not want to see our country go and he should be called out on it.

a proud parent

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Beware: transphobic Pawlenty wants to be our next president

Transgender advocates slammed Pawlenty over anti-transgender remarks in Newsweek interview.

Read all about it here.

UPDATE: Below is a brief history (courtesy of Wikipedia) of how the Nazi regime persecuted LGBTs. Don't think for a minute that certain factions on the right would not like to see the same thing happen in the USA; Pawlenty's pandering to these groups just strengthens their resolve and he deserves to be called out on it.

"In late February 1933, as the moderating influence of Ernst Röhm weakened, the Nazi Party launched its purge of homosexual (gay, lesbian, and bisexual; then known as homophile) clubs in Berlin, outlawed sex publications, and banned organized gay groups. As a consequence, many fled Germany (e.g., Erika Mann, Richard Plaut). In March 1933, Kurt Hiller, the main organizer of Magnus Hirschfeld's Institute of Sex Research, was sent to a concentration camp.

"On May 6, 1933, Nazi Youth of the Deutsche Studentenschaft made an organised attack on the Institute of Sex Research. A few days later the Institute's library and archives were publicly hauled out and burned in the streets of the Opernplatz. Around 20,000 books and journals, and 5,000 images, were destroyed. Also seized were the Institute's extensive lists of names and addresses of LGBT people. In the midst of the burning, Joseph Goebbels gave a political speech to a crowd of around 40,000 people. Hitler initially protected Röhm from other elements of the Nazi Party which held his homosexuality to be a violation of the party's strong anti-gay policy. However, Hitler later changed course when he perceived Röhm to be a potential threat to his power. During the Night of the Long Knives in 1934, a purge of those who Hitler deemed threats to his power took place. He had Röhm murdered and used Röhm's homosexuality as a justification to suppress outrage within the ranks of the SA. After solidifying his power, Hitler would include gay men among those sent to concentration camps during the Holocaust.

"Himmler had initially been a supporter of Röhm, arguing that the charges of homosexuality against him were manufactured by Jews. But after the purge, Hitler elevated Himmler's status and he became very active in the suppression of homosexuality. He exclaimed, 'We must exterminate these people root and branch... the homosexual must be eliminated.' (Plant, 1986, p. 99).
Memorial to Gay Victims of the Holocaust in Berlin (its inscription: Totgeschlagen - Totgeschwiegen (Struck Dead - Hushed Up))

"Shortly after the purge in 1934, a special division of the Gestapo was instituted to compile lists of gay individuals. In 1936, Heinrich Himmler, Chief of the SS, created the 'Reich Central Office for the Combating of Homosexuality and Abortion.'

"Gays were not initially treated in the same fashion as the Jews, however; Nazi Germany thought of German gay men as part of the 'Master Race' and sought to force gay men into sexual and social conformity. Gay men who would or could not conform and feign a switch in sexual orientation were sent to concentration camps under the 'Extermination Through Work' campaign.

"More than one million gay German men were targeted, of whom at least 100,000 were arrested and 50,000 were serving prison terms as convicted gay men. Hundreds of European gay men living under Nazi occupation were castrated under court order.

"Some persecuted under these laws would not have identified themselves as gay. Such 'anti-homosexual' laws were widespread throughout the western world until the 1960s and 1970s, so many gay men did not feel safe to come forward with their stories until the 1970s when many so-called 'sodomy laws' were repealed.

"Lesbians were not widely persecuted under Nazi anti-gay laws, as it was considered easier to persuade or force them to comply with accepted heterosexual behavior. However, they were viewed as a threat to state values and were often branded 'anti-social.'"

when the high heel shoe is on the other foot

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2009: my favorite year (so far)

Year-end reviews appear everywhere this time of year*, so I thought I would jump on the bandwagon and present my own year-end review.

This was a banner year for me and my blog.

Femulate readership more than doubled during 2009. A year ago, Femulate averaged just under 1500 hits per day; today, the blog averages over 3000 hits per day.

A year ago, 600 first-time visitors showed up per day; today, that average is 1300 per day.

Most telling is the repeat visitor statistic. A year ago, repeat visitors averaged 150 per day. Today, that statistic has more than tripled with an average of 475 repeat visitors per day! So, thank you to all my loyal readers.

There were two significant spikes in hits during the past year.

The first occurred during my trip to New York City. The hit count jumped as I began penning my trip diary and the count remained steady until the end of that diary. Then there was a hit count drop-off as the summer Internet doldrums kicked in.

The second significant spike occurred a few days before Halloween. It was as if everyone's femulation alarm clocks sounded off at the same time. But unlike the June jump in hits, a drop-off did not follow and the hit count has been impressive ever since with an all-time high hit count of 3628 occurring on December 1.

Enough with the statistics. On a personal front, this has been a fantastic year for me.

I have absolutely no fear about going out anywhere en femme. That was pretty much fait accompli in 2008, but this year, I was able to overcome the one big fear I still had when I went out: encounters with males.

I had no trouble mixing it up with females, but I avoided males whenever possible. In general, I think females (except those who may be "family") are more accepting of transwoman than males.

When I encounter females when I am out en femme, some may not figure me out and as a result, they just treat me like another female. Those who do figure me out seem to respect my desire to be a member of their club and they also treat me like another female. I can count on one hand the negative encounters I have had with females when I am en femme.

Males are something else altogether. I worried how males would react if they figured me out when I was out en femme. I did not want to find out the hard way, so that is why I avoided males. On the other hand, it is impossible to avoid all encounters with males and I can truly say that I cannot recall any negative encounters with the males I could not avoid, but I still continued to avoid them whenever I could.

Visiting New York City for four days en femme, I realized that it would be difficult to avoid the millions of males that populate Manhattan. I overcame the problem the very first evening I was in the Big Apple.

I had checked into my hotel and had changed into female mode for a night out with some local trans friends. While I was waiting to go out, I was adjusting the thermostat in my hotel room and managed to knock out the air conditioning. It was warm and I did not want to be without AC, so I called the front desk, and they said they would send up a repairmen.

In the past, I would have gotten back into boy mode as quickly as I could so I would not have to face the repairman en femme, but that evening, I decided that the repairman would not be the last male I would encounter during my NYC visit, so I remained en femme.

The repairman arrived, reset the AC, and was out the door in less than two minutes. He was pleasant and interacted with me as if nothing was amiss (other than the AC).

That interaction with the repairman set the tone for the rest of my stay in NYC as well as the rest of my stay on the planet Earth. I no longer fear encounters with males and I stopped avoiding them.

During my stay in NYC, I had no negative encounters with males. In fact, I had some positive encounters. Two males addressed me as "hon" (as in short for "honey"). And another male blew me a kiss while I was shopping in Sephora.

Those positive encounters convinced me that I was successfully passing as a female some of the time (and if you can make it as a female in New York City, you can make it as a female anywhere). My confidence was at an all-time high and has remained at that level ever since.

On another personal note, I came to the realization this year that I am a woman.

As I wrote in November, "I am not a woman trapped in a man's body, I am really a woman. I think as a woman, I emote as a woman, I act as a woman, I speak as a woman, and whenever the opportunity arises, I present as a woman. To most of my acquaintances I am the most womanly male they know and that's because I really am a woman.

"True, my container is male (more or less), but its contents are 100% female.

"I am very adverse to fooling around with my container. Many things can go wrong and so far, my container has held up pretty well, so why mess with it. As a result, I have no interest in taking hormones or having surgery to modify my container so that it matches its contents.

"I am very happy being a woman and very glad that I am not a 'man.' I might be happier if I could present as a woman all of the time, but I have made choices in my life that make that impossible. So I live part-time as a male and part-time as a female, but no matter how I live, I am a woman all the time.

So that summarizes my year.

I accomplished a lot (I even managed to lose 10 pounds) and I am very happy with myself these days.

What will next year bring?

I am very excited about the prospects and wonder what I will be writing about one year from now.

* When else would you expect a year-end review, Bozo?

dressing with a little help from my friends

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Happy Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas!

Love,

Staci

(And here is another photo from my Wednesday evening visit to the Mohegan Sun casino.)

my amazing Amazon evening

Yesterday, I had a spectacular outing en femme.

I was dressed and out the door at 4 PM and drove to Middletown to dine with friends at an upscale restaurant. I was the first to arrive. A waitress seated me at our table and I ordered a mango martini.

My friends arrived a few minutes later: Maryann and Carole, the couple I have done outreach with so many times in the past, Robin and Arline, another couple who I have known for years, and one of my oldest trans friends, Diana.

Surprise! After Diana arrived, she announced that she was buying my dinner (in appreciation for some editing I have done for her recently). Thank-you, Diana.

The dinner and dinner conversation were excellent.

I told everyone that I was undecided about going to the Mohegan Sun casino after dinner. I was a little nervous about going by myself and needed a little encouragement.

Robin provided the encouragement. She has been to the casino numerous times en femme and said that I would have "no problem."

We departed around 7:15 PM and I drove 40 minutes to the casino. I never use valet parking, but it was so cold last night, I did not feel like walking through a damp, cold, and dimly-lit parking garage, so I pulled up to the entrance of the casino, gave the valet my car keys, and sashayed inside. I checked my coat and was ready to have some fun at the "Sun."

I immediately noticed that I was one of the few women in the casino wearing a dress (and a very nice dress at that). As a result, I caught men and women eyeing me at various times during my visit.

You can never be sure if they are looking because you are looking good or because you are looking trans, however, I do know I passed some of the time because while I was walking through the casino shopping mall, a guy who walked by me in the opposite direction remarked to his friends, "Did you see the Amazon?"

Furthermore, I did not hear a discouraging word during my visit. So, on the passing front, it was a very encouraging night.

The casino does not permit photography inside the casino, so I walked through the shopping mall looking for a place to take a photo and looking for someone to take the photo. When I found a photogenic spot, I asked the first friendly-looking woman I saw to take my photo and she happily agreed to do so (the result accompanies this blog posting).

Another reason I was in the mall was to check out the night club and get in some dancing, but the night club was not very busy. I imagine that on a Wednesday nights, the joint is usually not hopping, so I skipped the nightclub.

On the gambling front, I decided to gamble $100, no more, no less. I only play 25-cent slot machines, so I figured that $100 should be more than adequate for my two- or three-hour visit.

Immediately, I won $50, so I played with the casino's money for awhile, but I eventually fed their $50 and my $50 into their machines.

I had made up my mind to leave the casino at 10:30 PM. I was about $20 into my second $50 at about 10:15, when I sat down at what I figured would be the last slot machine of the evening. On my fifth or sixth spin, I won $150. Perfect timing. I collected my winnings, collected my coat and the valet collected my car with me tipping the coat check man and valet generously.

Last night was the first time I ever accessorized with a scarf. The scarf I wore was one of my deceased Mother's scarves; I felt that she was with me throughout the evening and may have brought me some luck at the slot machines. Thank-you, Mom!

Wednesday outing

I am going out en femme Wednesday evening for a holiday dinner at a nice restaurant with some friends from the transworld.

After dinner, I am not sure what I am going to do.

Maybe I will go to Mohegan Sun casino. Do a little gambling, do a little drinking, do a little dancing, and have a lot of fun.

I plan to wear the retro Mad Men-inspired apple green dress that I bought at Dress Barn back in September. (I tried it on this morning and it looks spectacular!)

Needless to say, a full report will follow on Christmas Eve or thereabouts.

something borrowed

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the challenge continues

Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I mentioned how I lost ten pounds since mid-September and I wanted to keep it off, so Thanksgiving would be a challenge for me.

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving and the food- and drink-filled weeks that followed without gaining a pound. I didn't lose anything, but considering all the temptations before me, I think I have been a very good girl maintaining my weight.

The challenge continues through New Year's Day and two weeks from today, I hope to report that the ten pounds I lost are still lost!

another Kodak moment

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tall Bond ladies

A few days ago, I read an article about James Bond films on the Internet and I realized that some of the actresses in the 007 flicks qualify for the Famous Females of Height List. In fact, two tall 007 actresses (Diana Rigg and Famke Janssen) have been on the list for awhile now.

Here are all the tall actresses and the 007 film they appeared in.

5’8” – Carole Bouquet – For Your Eyes Only

5’8” – Claudine Auger – Thunderball

5’8” – Lois Chiles – Moonraker

5’8” – Lois Maxwell – Miss Moneypenny in numerous James Bond films

5’8’ – Shirley Eaton – Goldfinger

5’9” – Diana Rigg (see photo) – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

5’9” – Maud Adams – Octopussy

6’0” – Famke Janssen – Goldeneye

femulation par excellence

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what's good for the gander is good for the gosling

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Christmas shopping success

The two dresses I bought for myself as a Christmas present arrived yesterday and they both fit perfectly!

I can recall the days that dresses from Vickie's were never big enough for me. A little downsizing on my part and a little upsizing by Vicky seems to have made a difference.

last night’s dream

I seldom remember my dreams, but when I do remember a dream, it is usually trans-related.

Overnight, I dreamed I was packing to attend a transgender convention. My mother was helping me pack and offered to lend me anything I needed.

Throughout the dream, I kept refusing whatever items she offered because I already had those items in my wardrobe.

Finally, she said with a knowing smile, “I bet you don’t have any of these.”

And with that, she revealed a storage area in the back of her closet that was full of girdles from the 1950s and 1960s.

That got my attention and as I began perusing the girdles to decide what to borrow, I awoke from my dream.

The dream interests me because I never confided in my mother about my crossdressing. I am sure that she knew, but she never brought up the subject.

Almost to her dying day, she often asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. At those times, I thought she was just trying to make conversation, but in retrospect, I think she was offering to lend a friendly ear.

I so regret not confiding in my mother. I believe my life would have been different if I knew my mother supported her “daughter.”