it is how God sent him

Helen Boyd's blog alerted me to this NY Times article concerning "Muxe," i.e., Mexican "men who consider themselves women and live in a socially sanctioned netherworld between the two genders."

"In Juchitan, Mexico, daughters are more valuable than sons. So mothers are encouraging their boys to become girls." from Marie Claire, March 2007

You can read more about Muxe here and here and view a video here.

(In my humble opinion, the Marie Claire article is much more revealing than the NY Times article.)

reorganized ephemera

I reorganized my ephemera pages.

Instead of displaying everything on one page, I organized the collection according to location.

The United States pages are almost fully populated, while the United Kingdom and Continental Europe pages are sparse. I plan to add ephemera to those pages as soon as possible, i.e., as soon as I have time to scan the items.

My First Holy Communion Dress (Almost)

Buy women's clothing online and soon your in-box fills up with e-mails soliciting you to buy more. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Fashionista that I am, I usually check out the e-mail solicitations to see what may be of interest to me.

Today, one of those e-mails had links that eventually led me to the dress you see on the right.

My first reaction was that they have to be kidding. The dress resembled the one my sister wore for her First Holy Communion back in the last century. I could not imagine an adult woman wearing such a concoction.

Here is the description:

Pencey Ribbon Dress

Unexpected details modernize a classic frock.

Silk-taffeta dress with crew neck and asymmetrical, contrast grosgrain banding at waist. Canvas panels at bodice. Inverted pleating at skirt and hidden zipper at back. Pleating at shoulders. Short sleeves. Lined.

33" long, measured from center back.
100% silk.
Dry clean.
Imported.

Then, the dress started to grow on me. The more I looked at it, the more I liked it! Yes, I can picture myself in that dress; I could pull it off.

I almost talked myself into buying it. Only two things prevented me from doing so. It did not come in my size and it cost $455! (They have to be kidding!)

Finocchio's ephemera

Last week, I had some success on eBay and added some female impersonator ephemera to my collection.

The first item arrived in yesterday's mail: a drink menu from Finocchio's, a San Francisco nightspot renowned for its female impersonators. I scanned the menu, added it to my ephemera page, and you can see it here.

Dress Barn party

From all the reports I received, my support group's Very Indulgent Party at Dress Barn last evening was a success.

I arranged the event and was supposed to be its hostess as well as a model in its fashion show, but I was unable to attend because after shoveling snow yesterday morning, I was placed on the disabled list.

I was very disappointed, but I felt a little better knowing that everyone had an enjoyable evening at the party.

Call Me Stana?

I chose Staci as my female name because it is the closest thing to a female version of my male name, Stanley. Here is how I arrived at Staci:

Stanislaus is the Slavic derivation of Stanley/Stanley is the English derivation of Stanislaus

Anastacia is the feminine derivation of Stanislaus

Staci is short for Anastacia

I'm not sure if these derivation of names is perfectly correct, but it is best I could come up with.

Last week, I discovered another and more direct feminine derivation of Stanley.

First, I found a postcard on eBay depicting a female impersonator named Stana Behavy (above left). Next, when updating my Famous Females of Height list, I found out about television actress Stana Katic (above right).

So, you can call me Stana.

Call Me Transgenderist?

Thank you all for all your thoughtful comments and e-mails regarding my "heavy" post here on Thursday. You gave me a lot of ideas to consider, but I think my friend Diana hit the nail on the head, i.e., I am a transgenderist.

While I was composing my heavy post (it took me two days to write it), the word "transgenderist" floated in and out of my conscious a couple of times, but I paid no attention to what my subconscious was floating by me. I knew I had encountered that term in the past, but as it floated by, I did not recall its meaning, so I let it go.

But I should have paid attention to my subsconscious because as Diana's comment revealed, my subconscious had something for me. (It is the first time I ever really noticed my subconscious thinking behind the scenes.)

Anyway...

Whereas the terms "crossdresser," "transvestite," "transsexual," etc., are a good fit for me only after some alterations, the term "transgenderist" fits me like a glove.

Don't confuse "transgenderist" with "transgender." Like crossdresser, transvestite, transsexual, etc., transgenderist falls under the umbrella of transgender, but is not the same as transgender.

Repeating Diana's comment, "Transgenderists are persons who consistently live as members of the opposite gender either on a part or full-time basis. Some maintain their original identity in the work place or during formal occasions. Others appear in their new identity during all aspects of daily life. Transgenderists are unique because maintaining both masculine and feminine characteristics is integral to having a sense of balance. However, the outward presentation of these characteristics varies subtly depending on the individual's needs and sense of connection to each gender. Like transsexuals, many are interested in obtaining electrolysis, hormones and even cosmetic surgery to bring their outward presentation in line with their inner sense of self. However, like crossdressers, transgenderists are not interested in Genital Reassignment Surgery."

Adding to Diana's comment, "To elaborate on this distinction, even if a transgenderists lives "in role" as a member of the opposite gender on a full-time basis, what separates them from transsexuals, is that they derive pleasure from and value their genitals as originally developed. However, in most circumstances, it is unlikely that a transgenderist who lives in role full-time will disclose such private information without good reason. Because transgenderists are not interested in genital reassignment, they should not be confused with "non-operative" transsexuals or persons who are unable to have surgery due to financial or medical hardship. Although the majority of non-operative transsexuals live "in role" permanently, most need to adjust to a period of internalized incongruency during the time they are unable to have genital reassignment, if at all. Transgenderists do not go through this period of adjustment, because they are not interested in altering their genitals.

"Like transsexuals who are at the very beginning of transition, transgenderists frequently experience incongruent feelings regarding their gender identity. Unlike crossdressers these feelings persist "after the clothes come off" and the person dresses in their original gender. These incongruent feelings typically can be continuous, lasting for days and even weeks, until the individual recognizes a pattern in his or her needs. Transgenderists stop feeling incongruent when their needs are consistently met by maintaining characteristics from both genders."

Those words come from Gianna E. Israel's excellent article "Transgenderists: When Self-Identification Challenges Transgender Stereotypes," which I urge you to read in its entirety if you are interested.

New Heights

Peaches e-mailed me that she had an addition to my Famous Females of Height list: the 6-foot-tall Terry Farrell from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Before I added Ms. Farrell to the list, I looked her up on the Internet to refresh my memory as to what she looked like and as often occurs on the Internet, one thing leads to another and I found myself on the Celebrity Heights Web site, which offers "commentary, celebrity fan photos, quotes and gossip on the heights of celebrities."

I worked the site and discovered a bevy of tall females that were missing from my list and I have now corrected my omissions.

Caveat One: There are tall female celebrities listed on Celebrity Heights Web site that I did not add to my list because I have never heard of them. (It's my list, so I'll include who I want and I only want to include who I know.)

Caveat Two: The Celebrity Heights Web site lists heights by the half-inch, i.e., 5'8", 5'8.5", 5'9", 5'9.5", etc. My list lists heights by the full inch, so I rounded up anyone who was in between to the next full inch, for example, although Miss Staci Lana Hunter may be listed on the Celebrity Heights Web as 6'1.5", I listed her as 6'2".

Here is the list of omissions that are now on my list, listed according to height:

5'8": Tia Carrere, Ciara, Jill Clayburgh, Marcia Cross, Heather Graham, Veronica Hamel, Mel Harris, Jill Hennessy, Faith Hill, Jessica Lange, Angela Lansbury, Kelly LeBrock, Michelle Lee, Judith Light, Andee Macdowell, Ali MacGraw, Pamela Sue Martin, Maureen O'Hara, Elizabeth Perkins, Rihanna, Molly Ringwald, Tanya Roberts, Mimi Rogers, Isabella Rossellini, Rene Russo, Cybill Shepherd, Vonda Shepherd, Mary Steenburgen, Sharon Stone, Emma Thompson, Jo Ann Worley, Daphne Zuniga

5'9": Mischa Barton, Ingrid Bergman, Cate Blanchette, Joanna Cassidy, Carol Channing, Susan Clark, Natalie Cole, Polly Draper, Barbara Feldon, Pam Grier, Melanie Griffith, Rachel Griffiths, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Katherine Heigl, Stana Katic, Joanna Kerns, KD Lang, Sophia Loren, Tina Louise, Lee Meriwether, Patricia Neal, Nancy O'Dell, Paula Prentiss, Diana Rigg, Connie Sellecca, Joan Severance, Molly Sims, Alexis Smith, Lindsay Wagner, Kate Walsh, Esther Williams, Alicia Witt, Paula Zahn

5'10": Lucie Arnaz, Teresa Graves, Sally Kirkland, Jane Leeves, Camryn Manheim, Bridget Moynahan, Jo Ann Pflug, Jean Smart, Peta Wilson

5'11": Carol Alt, Anna Chancellor, Adrianne Curry, Ellen Dubin, Jaclyn Lee, Kristanna Loken, Tracey Needham, Missi Pyle, Rie Rasmussen, Victoria Silvstedt, Taylor Swift, Gina Torres

6'0": Terry Farrell, Margaux Hemingway, Marjean Holden, Allison Janney, Jane Lynch, Aimee Mann, Marjorie Monaghan, Brenda Strong, Aisha Tyler

6'1": Yolanda Adams, Andee Frizzell, Monika Schnarre, Claire Stansfield

6'2": Bergen Williams

Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me

A Dress A Day is one of the blogs I read regularly. (If you love vintage dresses, you will love A Dress A Day.)

Erin, the brains behind A Dress A Day, recently reviewed a book titled Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me. The book offers fashion advice and in my opinion, belongs in the library of every serious femulator (read the review and decide for yourself). I dunno about you, but my mother offered me no fashion advice for the distaff side of my closet, so this book will fill that void.

My Theory of Operation

When I do outreach, the other presenters almost always identify as transsexual. I only recall doing outreach on two occasions with others who did not identify as transsexual.

Listening to the transsexuals tell their life stories always causes me to consider my own identity. Tuesday's outreach was no different. Since then, I have done a lot of thinking about my identity and I believe I have had an epiphany.

I identify as a heterosexual male-to-female crossdresser, who crossdresses once or twice per month (in deference to my spouse). However, I readily admit that if I had the opportunity, I would crossdress 24/7 and live full-time as a female without surgery, hormones, or other body modifications. I likely would get electrolysis, but nothing more than that.

If I desire to live full-time as a woman, am I still a crossdresser? Or am I something else... something beyond a crossdresser, but not quite a transsexual mainly because I never felt that I was a woman trapped inside the body of a male.

I admit that I am not the most manly male, at least according to other people's opinions of me. When I was young, I was called a "sissy," "fairy," "twinky," "faggot," etc. because others perceived me as being effeminate. That perception may still exist, but as an adult, the people I encounter are polite enough to keep such opinions to themselves.

I did not (or do not) make any effort to be effeminate (or masculine, for that matter). I always acted in a way that was natural to me and my natural inclination was to act effeminately according to the "standards" set by our society.

I never felt I had a masculine or feminine side and I never felt that I was a woman trapped inside the body of a male like the typical transsexual, who hid or suppressed their femininity in boy mode.

I never felt that I was a woman trapped inside the body of a male because SHE WAS NEVER TRAPPED!

I never suppressed my femininity because I never realized I was acting effeminately, so as far as I was concerned, there was nothing to suppress.

Back in college, I attended a Halloween party in drag. One of my classmates who knew me well was impressed on how my normal persona was such a good fit for my costume. Until he saw me in drag, he never realized that my everyday persona was so feminine. That confirms what I always believed, i.e., "I" am the same person in boy mode or in girl mode except that "I" am a better fit in girl mode.

In conclusion, I am not a woman trapped in a male body, rather I am a woman with a male body and I’m OK with that. I realize that my body has nothing to with my gender and further that having a male body does not make me less of a woman.

(By the way, this is pretty heavy stuff for me and I would greatly appreciate any and all opinions on my theory of operation.)

outreach yesterday

Yesterday, I did outreach for two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University. I did not go shopping as planned because I did not feel up to dealing with the Christmas shopping crowds that seemed to be out in full force yesterday.

As usual, I was the token crossdresser in the group doing outreach. The others were pre-op, post-op, and no-op male-to-female and female-to-male transsexuals and a spouse. In the first class, there were six in the group. In the second class, there were seven. In the past, about four was the max. As a result, the biography portion of the class was longer and ate into the Q&A portion of the class. I enjoy the Q&A more than the bio portion of the class because I have heard all the bios before and although I've also heard many of the questions before, there are usually one or two new questions that make things interesting.

Anna Schildroth, the professor of the class scored big points with me. When I saw her for the first time yesterday, she asked, "Did you lose weight?"

I admitted that I lost eight pounds and I was happy she noticed. Then she added, "Well, it looks like you lost more than eight pounds!"

She made my day, but later she made my day again.

Before the second class, she came over to me and remarked that my legs were attracting a lot of attention. I asked her what she meant and she said that she was following me as I walked to the classroom and that she noticed a lot of people turning to notice my long legs. When she said that I blushed. (The accompanying photo from yesterday reveals the revealing length of the hem of my dress. Click on the photo to get a better view.)

Speaking of long legs, I noticed a tall attractive female student file into the first class and pegged her as being six feet tall. I don't recall her asking any questions during the Q&A portion of the class, but after the class was over, she asked, "Staci, how tall are you without heels?"

"Six two," I replied.

"Me, too," she said.

She was wearing flats, so I asked her if she wore heels. She said she does, but not currently because she just had knee surgery.

I was happy that here was a very tall girl, who was proud of her height and not afraid to wear heels. Good for her!

The questions asked of me were basically the same questions I have been asked at past outreaches with a few variations.

There was an amusing exchange with one student, who could not understand how I dressed in boy mode without people wondering about the telltale signs that indicated that I also dressed in girl mode. I did not understand what she was getting at, so she was more specific and said she was referring to the fact that since I get my nails done, don't people wonder what's with that. We all had a good laugh when I revealed that I use stick-on nails that come on and off in five minutes.

An admitted gay student asked me if I ever tried to stop crossdressing and I said that in the past, I was very guilty about crossdressing and tried to stop. I guess my Catholic upbringing had something to do with my guilt and I recalled the numerous times I planned to go to confession, confess my "sin," and stop dressing. (I never had the nerve to make that confession.) I also mentioned how I had purged a few times, but again took up crossdressing sooner or later.

Then I explained how as I grew older and a little wiser, I stopped feeling guilty when I realized that crossdressing was part of who I am and that I was going to be true to myself.

That was the last question of the day and I can't think of a more appropriate way to end it.

this week's femulations

I have two outings en femme on tap this week.

Tuesday, I join two or three other transfolk to do outreach at two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University. I have lost count of the number of outreaches I have done since my first one back in May 2006, but I keep coming back because it gives me an opportunity to inform college-aged people that crossdressers are real people too and not the caricatures that appear on television shows such as Jerry Springer.

If time permits, I also plan to do some shopping before I do outreach (I need a winter coat).

Sunday will be something new for me. I will be the hostess for my support group's Very Indulgent Party at the local Dress Barn. In addition to being hostess, I will also be a model in the fashion show during the party. Fifteen members and their significant others have RSVP'd and it should be a lot of fun.

Angie Harmon

Just caught a bit of Good Advice, a film starring Angie Harmon and Charlie Sheen. When I noticed that Ms. Harmon was taller (in heels) than Mr. Sheen, I checked her height on the Internet and as a result, I am happy to add the 5' 10" beauty to the Famous Females of Height list.

Don't you want to be part of the experience?

When I'm feeling down, feeling a little guilty about my trans-ness, or feeling a little depressed, I think about the following words from Hannah and Her Sisters by Woody Allen.

One day, a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe I didn't want to go on living.

I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded and pressed to my forehead.
I thought, "I'm gonna kill myself."

Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows."

Then I thought, "No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing."

I remember clearly, the clock was ticking and I was sitting there frozen debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much the gun slid off my forehead and missed me.

Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused.

My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing: I had to get out of that house. I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me.

I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding. I went into a movie. Didn't know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective.

I went up to the balcony and I sat down. The movie* was one I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching the screen and I started getting hooked on the film.

And I started to feel: "How can you think of killing yourself? Isn't it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."

And I'm thinking, "I should stop ruining my life searching for answers and just enjoy it while it lasts."

And after, who knows? Maybe there is something.

I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.

* Duck Soup starring The Marx Brothers

all bundled up

On Thanksgiving Day, I went to New York City to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. I had a great time, even though there were fewer celebrities in the parade that I recognized than there were last year.

Last year when I wrote about my trip to The City to view the parade, I noted that half the woman I saw "wearing skirts or dresses were also wearing black tights with black patent high heels." This year, the weather was a lot cooler and most women were bundled up to stay warm.

One woman in our group wore an incredibly short skirt, with black tights and black patent heels despite the weather (something I would do), but she was the exception. Most women were dressed appropriately for the weather including Miss USA (pictured here), who looked beautiful. Click on the photo to magnify the image and check out her boots!

bras for boys

This story has been bouncing around the Internet for almost a week now and I am getting mixed messages from the various reports I have read.

According to the Reuters article, "A Japanese online lingerie retailer is selling bras for cross-dressing men and they've quickly become one of its most popular items.

"Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men's bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. The shop also stocks men's panties, as well as lingerie for women."

The mixed message is whether the retailer is targeting its boy bras for crossdressers or non-crossdresser, although I am sure they will accept anybody's money!

The beginning of the Reuters article indicates that crossdressers are the target customers, then the article seems to contradict itself by quoting the Executive Director of the retailer, "I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. Since we launched the men's bra, we've been getting feedback from customers saying, 'Wow, we'd been waiting for this for such a long time.'"

Other reports (like this one from Wallet Pop and this one from Inventor Spot) indicate that non-crossdressing males and metrosexuals are the target customers.

boys' names into girls' names

Are you stuck for a name for your femulated persona?

The easy way out is to use the feminine version of your boy name, for example, Andrew becomes Andrea, Jack becomes Jacqueline, and Pat becomes Pat.

If you don't know the feminine version of your boy name, here is a short list of boy names and their feminine equivalents.

evening gown out of the blue

Peaches, one of my regular readers, gifted me with a Jessica McClintock evening gown.

Peaches and her SO bought the gown during a sale at the Jessica McClintock warehouse in San Francisco. Peach's SO wore the gown for one occasion and since then, she has downsized and has no use for the gown.

Peaches was going to sell it on eBay, but before doing so, asked me if I wanted it gratis. How could I refuse such a generous offer!

The gown arrived and when I opened the box, I found a gorgeous white tea-length gown. I crossed my fingers that it would fit and when I slipped it over my head, it fit perfectly. Now I just have to wait for the right occasion to wear it.

Peaches and your SO, thank you both for the lovely gift!

(By the way, the photo depicts a different, but just as lovely Jessica McClintock gown.)

Monday musings

(Updated Below)
I watch awards shows to see the fashions worn by the female attendees and the rare male attendees, who show up in female attire. So, when I saw that a music awards show was on television last night. I watched it, but after about 15 minutes, I switched to a movie titled Passed Away.

I almost changed the channel as soon as the announcer announced that Jimmy Kimmel was the master of ceremonies (I hate don't care for Mr. Kimmel), but I stay tuned because Christine Aguilera opened the show (I love Ms. Aguilera). She was worth staying tuned, but I wasn't in the mood to sit through a lot of music that I did not like just to glimpse an occasional plate of fashion, so I moved on.

I switched back during commercials and I did catch the gorgeous Rihanna looking gorgeous as she collected an award, but that was about the extent my good catches during commercials.

***

I received my latest Spiegel clearance find and was surprised that it fit.

I had no doubt that the skirt would fit because it was in my size, but I was not so sure about the jacket. Spiegel did not have the jacket in my size, so I took a chance and ordered one size smaller. I was very surprised that it fit like a glove! I guess my weight loss made the difference.

The skirt also fit like a glove. It was a little shorter than I expected, but that won't prevent me from wearing it!

***

I plan to wear my new outfit on my next outing en femme, which will be next Tuesday, when I participate in outreach at two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University.

***
UPDATE: Regarding my first musing above, "hate" is a strong word. I don't hate Jimmy Kimmel. I just don't find him amusing or talented and sometimes I find him offensive, so I avoid him whenever possible.

imaginary portrait of Diane Arbus

Yesterday, I watched a film titled Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus starring Nicole Kidman and Robert Downey, Jr. It was an interesting film, but according to the film reviews I read today, the title was accurate and the story had little to do with the reality of photographer Arbus' life. That being said, I enjoyed the film and I recommend it. (In my opinion, most films starring Kidman and Downey have some redeeming value.)

In addition to the story, I enjoyed the 1950's fashions worn by the women in the film. Some of the dresses were like the title of another Kidman film, to die for.

Also, there was a trans-moment in the film. About half way through, Arbus attends a party where there are men in various stages of getting crossdressed. (Transpeople were occasionally the subject of Arbus' work.)