forced "man" dressing

My personality tends to be more female than male without even trying!

During the first half of my life (so far), my peers perceived me as a "sissy." This is not just an assumption on my part; I was told to my face many times that I was a "sissy" or the equivalent.

I did not go out of my way to be a sissy, rather I was just acting naturally. My personality directed me to do things a certain way. The problem was that that way sometimes did not meet the expectations of how a "man" would do things.

When I realized that something was amiss, I began forcing myself to do things the way a "man" does things in order to be accepted as a "man" in society and not be shunned as being effeminate.

Often, I felt uncomfortable when I forced myself to be a "man." As time passed, I learned that being accepted in society as a "man" was not worth the effort. So as I grew older and wiser, I forced myself less often and let my personality act naturally more often.

I also began crossdressing more publicly at that time in my life* and my open crossdressing went hand-in-hand with my decision to stop forcing myself to act like a "man."

I enjoyed dressing as a woman and my normal personality did not conflict with the way I dressed, i.e., I was not a "man in a dress." Again, this is not an assumption on my part; I have been told more than once that when I crossdress, my personality is a natural fit for the way I am dressed.

I realized that the natural way for me was often the the feminine way, but so what? Why was I forcing myself to be something that I was not? So, I stopped acting like a "man" and instead, acted like "me."

So, why don't I drop the other shoe, i.e., why do I still force myself to appear as a man most days of the week? I stopped acting like a "man" long ago and have been acting like "me" ever since, so why don't I stop dressing like a "man" and begin dressing like "me"?

That is the question.

* FYI, I began crossdressing regularly in my early teens, but I had a keen interest in crossdressing much earlier and probably crossdressed for the first time when I was about 8 years old. I crossdressed in public (Halloween) for the first time in my late teens and I crossdressed in public (not Halloween) for the first time in my mid-30s.

prep work

In preparation for Fantasia Fair, I shaved my armpits yesterday.

Of all the body parts I depilitate, my armpits are the most sensitive and I must follow a routine a few days before I go out en femme in order to have armpits that are hairless and painless.

I apply Gold Bond powder first. Then, I use the sideburn trimmer of my electric razor to remove the long hair. Next, I apply powder again and use the rotary blades of my electric razor to remove the remaining hair. Then, I apply the powder again.

Next day and perhaps another day or two, I apply powder and eschew deodorant because the deodorant will burn like heck. After two or three days, I can use deodorant again.

Maybe there is a better way, but this way works for me.

borrowing

My best friend Patty offered to lend me some things for Fantasia Fair, so yesterday, I took a long lunch to visit her and see what she had to offer.

In addition to providing an excellent lunch (soup, salad, and freshly baked bread), she presented me with a half dozen outfits, coats, and jewelry that I could borrow. The outfits included beautiful formal and semi-formal dresses and a pants outfit. The coats came in an array of colors and styles.

I hauled my haul home and tried everything on today. Two of the dresses fit perfectly including my favorite of the bunch: a long beaded grayish-blue sleeveless crochet dress that I now plan to wear to one of the Fantasia Fair banquets. The other dress that fit was a long black velvet dress with see-through short sleeves and I plan to wear it out to dinner at Fantasia Fair. The other dresses and the pants outfit were lovely, too, but they were too tight in the chest, so I will not be packing them for the trip to Provincetown.

The coats all fit and I will be taking a selection of them to Fantasia Fair and the jewelry accessorizes the beaded dress, so that will be coming along for the ride, too.

Thank you so much for your generosity, Patty!

changes

If you have visited here before, you may have noticed that I made some changes to the layout of this blog.

The biggest change is adding the left sidebar. That new sidebar contains items related to this blog, while the right sidebar contains items external to this blog.

This is a work in progress and I will continue tweaking the format for a day or so.

plan B

"The gown" arrived yesterday. It is beautiful, but it is too small.

So with only a little over a week before I leave for Fantasia Fair, I am working on an alternate plan on what to wear to the Fantasia Fair banquets.

I may rerun something I wore in the past or I may buy something new if I can find something I like in a local store (no time left for mail or online ordering).

shopping for the Fair

(updated below)

I took an early lunch and went to the mall to shop for my week en femme at Fantasia Fair. I intended to shop for three things: silver shoes to go with my evening gown, false eyelashes, and a pair of pants.

For false eyelashes, I went to the M·A·C counter at Macy's. I told the saleswoman that I wanted false eyelashes that looked natural. She suggested two pairs and I picked one . I was surprised that the eyelashes did not include glue; it was a separate item that I had to purchase.

Speaking of separates... after considering what I wrote yesterday about mixing and matching separates to save space in my luggage, I decided I needed a nice pair of black pants. Since I have never bought woman's pants before (leggings yes, pants no), I decided to go to a store where I was likely to get assistance from a salesperson: Lane Bryant.

I knew what I wanted, but I was overwhelmed with the selection. After trying to look as lost as possible, a saleswoman asked me if I needed help. I told her I did drag and that I wanted a nice pair of black pants around size 16 Tall.

She was very helpful and found two pairs of black "Right Fit Lafayette pants," one pair in size 2 Tall and the other in size 1 Tall. She showed me to the dressing room and I tried on the size 2 Tall first. It fit fine. Then, I tried on the size 1 Tall and it fit more snugly than the 2 Tall. I was not wearing a girdle (or a mirdle), so I figured that the size 1 Tall would be a perfect fit when I wear them with my girdle.

The pants cost $49.50, but by opening a Lane Bryant credit card, I saved 15% and the total cost came to $35.76.

Online, Payless had a pair of shoes that I liked, so I visited the Payless store at the mall, but they did not have the shoe in my size. I looked at shoes in the other stores and only one pair (in Macy's) caught my eye, but the price tag ($99) scared me away.

I stopped at another Payless store near work, but they did not have the shoe in my size either, however, the saleswoman did a search and found a pair in another Payless store that I can stop by on my way home from work this afternoon. (Wish me luck.)

UPDATE: The third Payless store had the shoe in my size and with the referral from the other store, I received a $3 discount. I also bought the matching handbag, which was on sale for $11, but I only paid $5.50 because Payless is having a BOGO (Buy One, Get One half off) promotion.

if I became a man, would you pay me more?

Catherine Price writes in today's edition of broadsheet, "Researchers from the University of Chicago and New York University looked at the experiences of transgender people in the workforce -- that is, people who had either transitioned from male to female or female to male -- and analyzed how their gender switch affected their pay. The result, as Time puts it, 'suggests that raw discrimination still remains potent in U.S. companies.'"

Read all about it here.

to pack or not to pack

One of the first things I did when I knew I was going to Fantasia Fair was start working on a list of what to pack for seven days en femme.

My previous longest stint en femme was four days at the IFGE Convention in 2004. Being anal retentive, I saved my packing list from that event and I used it as a reference while making my list for Fantasia Fair 2008.

To start, I listed the day-to-day Fantasia Fair activities and assigned one outfit to each. This resulted in six daytime outfits, six evening outfits, and one special occasion outfit.

Since I favor dresses over skirts, pants, and tops, mixing and matching separate pieces does not make much of a dent in my packing list, but I am reconsidering and may revise my list to include separates that I can mix and match to save some packing space.

Truth of the matter is that despite the list, I over-packed in 2004 (ten pairs of shoes) and probably will over-pack next weekend, but at least the list serves as a reminder of the "necessities" that I must be sure to bring with me to Cape Cod.

Currently, my packing list includes ten pairs of shoes, but I want to pare that down a bit. Shoes, especially heels, take up a lot of packing space. But shoes are also my weakness and I bet ten pairs make the roundtrip to Provincetown.

Do I really need four wigs? Do I really need three pocketbooks? My answers are probably "no" and "yes," respectively.

Wigs don't take up much space, but I am sure one of the four will stay home. On the other hand, pocketbooks like shoes, take up a lot of space, but I will probably take three because I "need" all three to match the outfits I plan to wear.

Luckily, I am driving my Subaru to Fantasia Fair (over four hours door-to-door) because I don't know how I would pack if I was flying. (FYI, some girls suggest shipping ahead by UPS, Fedex, or your carrier of choice.)

shipped

I ordered my evening gown for Fantasia Fair on September 14.

According to the seller, it would take 10-14 days to make the gown and 5 days maximum to receive it after they shipped it, which means they would ship it, worst case, around September 29.

Everyday, I checked the order status and as of yesterday, they were still making the gown (a week past the day they should have shipped it). With Fantasia Fair quickly approaching, I started formulating Plan B in case the gown did not arrive in time.

Good news! I checked the gown's status this morning and they shipped it! So, I should have it by week's end and in plenty of time for Fantasia Fair.

crossdressed in the past

Female impersonators performing circa 1965. (Click on the image to enlarge it.)

You have to be yourself. It's really all you can ever be.

So far, I have one "follower," Zagria. She has a blog called Gender Variant Biography, so I decided to visit it.

I spent an hour or so browsing Zagria's blog, which assembles biographies of "gender variant" people from the present, as well as the recent and distant past. I congratulate Zagria for her research and highly recommend that you visit her blog. I found the biographies fascinating especially those that were new to me.

One biography, Paul Whitehaed's, brought up a topic that is near and dear to my heart, that is, coming out publicly as a crossdresser. In a nutshell, Paul is an artist and a crossdresser, who en femme is Trisha Van Cleef, who is also an artist. Paul is public about his crossdressing and sometimes Paul and Trisha exhibit their artwork together.

After reading that, I was hooked and had to find out more, so I searched the Internet and Google came up with an interview on Alice Novic's Web site Alice in Genderland.

The interview provided more fascinating reading and Paul's answer to the last question of the interview was inspiring. If you read anything, make sure you read the last answer from which the following quote originates, "You have to be yourself. It's really all you can ever be."

After reading the interview, I felt the same as I did when I read the Grayson Perry interview.

Nearly a year ago, I wrote this about Grayson Perry here, "She is my hero/heroine because she is a public personality (like me), who happens to be a crossdresser (like me) and is very out about it (unlike me)...

"I have considered coming out as a crossdresser in my writing world... sort of run it up the flagpole and see who salutes and who burns down the flagpole. It certainly would spice up my life. Maybe I'll do it soon, maybe never, but it is something to think about."

And I do think about it a lot.

Many of my friends, relatives, and co-workers know (or suspect) that I am a crossdresser, so my official public outing would not surprise them. So what do I have to lose?

Probably not much, but, on the other hand, what would I gain? Most, if not all of the gains would be personally motivated, so would my selfish gains be worth the losses, no matter how few they may be?

I dunno.

With a week 24/7 en femme at Fantasia Fair looming on the horizon, I wonder if that experience might push me over the brink.

I'll find out.

more on less hair

Just a couple of additional thoughts regarding yesterday's discussion of hair removal products...

The containers of Veet that I bought yesterday were a bit more expensive than the containers of Nair I normally buy. However, Veet comes in a 13.5 oz/400 ml container vs. the Nair 5.4 oz/160 ml container, so that's two and one-half more times Veet than Nair for only a little bit more out of pocket. Also, I found a $2 discount coupon on the Veet Web site if I decide to buy Veet again.

Another advantage of Veet is that it comes in a pump container (like those hand lotion pump containers), which should make less of a mess than using the Nair squeeze container.

Veet also includes a plastic spatula to scrape off the hair. Dunno how useful that will be, but I will try it out.

A Tip

Finally, here is a tip when using Nair, Veet, or some other depilator.

Have a bottle of witch hazel and a face cloth handy in case you get the depilator on a sensitive body part. The witch hazel will cool the chemical burn and in my experience, prevent a rash and/or red skin that often follows some misplaced depilation.

Another Tip

Witch hazel is a great astringent. I use it on my face after shaving and before applying makeup. (I also love the scent of witch hazel.)

Nair vs. Veet

During my lunch hour, I went to my nearby discount department store to buy some things I needed at home. Near the top of my shopping list was Nair.

I have been using Nair like forever to remove hair and have learned what parts of my body to avoid because certain body parts do not like Nair at all. Those areas are my underarm area, areas near the base of my neck, and my nipple area. I am a happy Nair camper as long as I avoid those sensitive areas.

So, I visit the Nair area of my nearby discount department store and the Nair shelf is empty. I am shocked; there's nary a bottle of Nair to be found. (Maybe there is a crossdresser's convention in town and they bought up all the Nair! But, not likely because I would have heard about it.)

I noticed that there were a few bottles of a Veet on the shelf below the empty Nair shelf. I picked up a bottle and after reading the label, I concluded that it is similar to Nair, so I put two bottles in my shopping cart and kept on shopping.

During a break in the action at work this afternoon, I decided to see what the Internet had to say about Veet. I read the reviews and I became very worried about my purchase. Three out of four reviews were negative with reviewers complaining about all sorts of skin problems related to their use of Veet.

I was ready to get back in my car and go get a refund, but before I took that step, I checked to see how Nair faired in the Internet reviews.

Turns out that the Nair reviews were as bad as the Veet reviews. It seems that more people are more sensitive to Nair than I am, so I assume the same goes for Veet and I am safe, but I am holding onto my receipt just in case.

Michelle Obama Chooses Fast Fashion

Spotted: Michelle Obama wearing an H&M dress! BlackBook reports Obama wore the "Narciso Rodriguez–esque" dress while campaigning in Detroit, Michigan. Her sartorial choice was likely made in keeping with the current economic spirit as many might not find it prudent for our potential First Ladies to run around in designer outfits that cost $313,000.

Read all about it here.

call to P-Town

I phoned the hotel I will be staying at during Fantasia Fair to check on a few things.

Among other things, I wanted to find out if they have Internet access (so I can blog from the Fair). Turns out that they have free wifi.

I also wanted to find out about parking because their Web site says they do not provide overnight parking. Turns out that after Labor Day, parking is not an issue and that they do provide overnight parking.

Talking to the fellow at the front desk, I was impressed how friendly and welcoming he seemed. He actually sounded interested in the questions from this Fantasia Fair first-timer.

This was in high contrast to some of the hotel staff I have encountered at other trans events in the past* and he really made me feel comfortable about the prospect of staying at his establishment.

* One of the worst cases occurred when I was checking in at a hotel hosting a trans event about ten years ago. I was dressed en femme, yet the female at the front desk addressed me as "sir." It was not an auspicious start to that long weekend en femme.

three weeks until Fantasia Fair

Three weeks from now, I should be checked in at my hotel, dressed and ready to attend the first event, the welcome reception, of my 24/7 week en femme at Fantasia Fair.

I am so looking forward to Fantasia Fair! And I know it will be over before I know it.

By the way, I plan to keep a diary of my Fantasia Fair experience here on this blog with photos.

the seamy side of crossdressing

I have to get something off my chest.

A male gets dressed as a female on a television show or in a film. When he is finished, someone comments that his seams are not straight. In response, our hero checks out his gams, notices the unseemly seam and proceeds to adjust his hosiery to fix his fashion faux pas.

I think the first time I saw that scene was on the television show That Girl. On that show, Marlo Thomas's hapless boyfriend, played by Ted Bessell, had to dress as a woman for some reason and Marlo's father, played by Lew Parker, noted Ted's crooked seam(s).

Since that time, I've seen this scene repeated numerous times and each time I see it, it bothers me.

Why?

Because there are NO SEAMS!!!!!

I admit that you can still find, buy, and wear seamed hosiery (I know it, I've done it), but in every instance in a film or television show where the seam scene plays out, the crossdresser is not wearing seamed hosiery.

After I saw this scene a few times, I thought I was missing something and started looking for seams in my seamless hosiery! When I could not find any seams, I realized that the seam joke was just a carryover from the days when women and crossdressers wore seamed hosiery; I assume the writer(s) think that the joke is so funny that they continue to use the crooked seam joke despite the lack thereof.

Seamless hosiery began replacing seamed hosiery about the same time I started crossdressing. I distinctly remember that the first few pairs of stockings that I borrowed from my mother had seams, then suddenly, she started buying seamless stockings, and not much later than that, she switched to pantyhose that were also seamless.

By the way, this tirade was set off by a photo on flickr that I viewed earlier today in which a crossdresser is straightening his seams (according to the photo caption), yet he is wearing seamless hosiery.

I'm glad I finally got that off my chest. Now I feel better!

a boy wearing makeup

(I guess this is old news, but it is new news to me and maybe to you, too, so here it is.)

Mathieu Francis is the boy wearing makeup in A Boy Wearing Makeup, which is a series of videos that describe basic makeup application, as well as how to achieve certain looks and apply makeup like the stars (Mischa Barton, Jennifer Anniston, Sophia Bush).

According to the Web site, "If he looks this pretty, imagine what he can do for you! Check out these tutorials geared towards people of any age, any race, and any sex. The boy is here to provide you comic relief, fun make-up application, and to help you realized the potential in all of us to do and become everything we've always dreamed."

I have not viewed all the videos, but the videos I have viewed are very good and I recommend them to you.

tall pair

Greg nominated two additions to the Famous Females of Height list:

Pauley Perrette (left), the 5'10" actress currently appearing on the CBS television series Navy CSI NCIS.

Christina Hendricks (right), the 5'8" actress currently appearing on the cable television series Mad Men

Fantasia Fair update

An e-mail arrived informing me that I will be staying at the Crown & Anchor Inn in Provincetown during Fantasia Fair. Crown & Anchor is Fantasia Fair headquarters, i.e., where the action is during the event, so I feel lucky to be staying there.