fear

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

I often write about going out en femme. It is exhilarating, invigorating, validating, and the most fun I can have without taking off my clothes. However, there is always a little fear in the back of my mind whenever I go out en femme.

My fear has two components.

• If I pass as a woman, I am a target for males who target women.

• If I don't pass as a woman, I am a target for males who target men dressed as women.

These are genuine fears. The ever-growing list of dead trans sisters validates my fears.

I am big and strong and if I was ever attacked, my attacker might regret it, but that does not lessen my fears.

President Roosevelt was correct and we should not let our fears debilitate us. My fears are not going to stop me from going out en femme; it is something I have to do.

Today, we must remember the dead trans sisters and brothers whose fears became their realities, but we must also continue to move forward away from the closet and validate our existence in society.

There’s Something About “Deception”

According to Julia Serano:

Few attempts to blame the victim are more blatant than when trans people are accused of "sexual deceit" or "sexual assault" simply because other people have chosen to express their attraction toward us. In reality, it is they who are guilty of cissexual/cisgender assumption (when one presumes that every person they meet is nontrans by default). Trans people simply exist, we are everywhere, and the rest of the world has to start recognizing and accepting that.

Read Ms. Serano's excellent article here.

weekend update, part 2

After a busy day yesterday, I sat down to relax with some reading material in front of the television. I narrowed my television viewing choices to the Patriots vs. Bills football game and the American Music Awards.

I expected that the football game would not be much of a game (my Patriots should win big time), so I decided to watch the music awards program and check on the game during commercials.

Please note that I am not a big fan of the current music scene. I like some of today's music, but most of it leaves me cold. However, as a crossdressing fashionista, I watch awards shows to see how the females are dressed to kill.

Two singers impressed me.

Fergie: I loved her micro minidress (and she has the legs to wear it).

Rihanna: I liked her dress, too, but what really impressed me was her height. I looked it up and she is either 5' 8" or 5' 9" depending on whom you believe. The very high heels she wore made her look taller.

By the way, the Patriots won 56-10.

weekend update

It was a very quite weekend trans-wise. Did some house mending Saturday, holiday shopping today, and now I am too popped to Polka.

Back on topic... A few days ago, I left a comment on Jodie's blog and as a result, me in my new do showed up in the comment sidebar.

Jodie commented on my comment and added, "Also -- I love the new avatar."

Thank you! I love the new do, too, and I can't wait to wear it out again.

wear what makes you feel special

Tony Alcindor blogged about winter fashion trends on The Huffington Post. It is a good read and I recommend it.

Mr. Alcindor also had some wise words about fashion, in general:

"A good rule of thumb is to only buy if you absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. If you truly love, then you should buy it and enjoy it. If you kinda like it, then forget it -- it's just an impulse. Fight it! You'll thank me when you don't have to look at that neon green coat staring at you from your closet, laughing at you."

And with the following statement, he really hit a home run with this crossdressing fashionista:

"Wear what makes you happy, wear what makes you confident, wear what makes you feel special."

eldorado

The image is a postcard size advertisement for Eldorado, which was a Berlin nightclub well-known for its diverse clientele during the Weimar era.

The ad was up for auction on eBay and I lost out. My high bid was about one-third of the winning bid.

I wish I could have added this card to my female impersonator ephemera collection, but I was loathe to bid higher because of the card's condition; the card had damage from being folded twice. (I cleaned up the image you see using Photoshop).

"Located at the corner of Motzstraße and Kalckreuthstraße in Berlin's Schöneberg district, the Eldorado was a popular destination during the 1920s and early 1930s for lesbians, homosexual men, transvestites of both sexes and slumming tourists. The nightclub featured cabaret shows, dancing and drinking in a stylish atmosphere." You can read more about it here.

The card would have been a nice addition to my collection, but it was too pricey and too damaged for my purse.

vox en femme

During outreach Wednesday night, one of the students asked how much different are our boy and girl personalities.

I replied that I am just about the same in boy and girl mode. People who know me in both modes claim that they don't see any difference. I admit that I do femme it up in order to be more passable in girl mode, i.e., I try to carry myself in a more feminine manner, but I confessed that I don't do much with my voice because I felt silly whenever I did it.

Isn't that a contradiction! When I dress to the nines as a woman including full makeup and wig, I don’t feel silly, but speaking in a feminine voice makes me feel silly.

And believe me, my feminine voice is not a silly high-pitched, Minnie Mouse-like falsetto. I actually bought Melanie Anne Phillip's How to Develop a Female Voice videotape, practiced with it, and managed to sound like a woman. So, why does speaking in a feminine voice makes me feel silly?

I guess it has something to do with the fact that I really do not have separate boy and girl personalities. When I am in girl mode, I am the same person that I am in boy mode. I do not express my feminine side when I am en femme because I don't have a feminine side! So, when I use a feminine voice, I am doing something that is so unlike myself that it makes me feel uneasy.

On the other hand, my goal is to use a feminine voice when I am en femme. Back in May, when I went out clubbing with my Ohio friend Jade Catherine, her perfect feminine voice inspired me to use my own feminine voice. After many false starts, I think I finally found a way to kick-start my feminine voice whenever I go out.

I usually start my en femme outings by getting in my car and driving somewhere. To put me in the mood, I dial up Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like a Woman! on my iPod and blast it through my car's audio system. And I always sing along.

My girl friend Patty said that one way to develop a feminine voice is to sing along to recorded music, especially female vocalists. When you sing, you are using the parts of your voice that woman uses when she speaks and you usually do not use the parts of your voice that a man uses when he speaks. (There are technical terms for this, but I don't want to get technical.)

Makes sense, so I went through the 8,000 songs stored on my iPod to find female vocals that would do the trick. I found a few that had potential, but they really did not work, so I kind of forgot about it.

Wednesday evening, after outreach, I was in a very good mood and I decided to reprise Man, I Feel Like a Woman! on my iPod and of course, I sang along. (By the way, I know all the words by heart because I lip-synched this song at my support group's banquet a few years ago.)

As I sang along, I realized that my feminine voice was kicking in especially during the verses when Shania is singing in a lower pitch… not so much during the chorus, when Shania is singing in a higher pitch. I played the song over again a few times and again yesterday morning, as well as this morning on my way to work, and my feminine voice kicked in each time.

So, I have my answer and found the perfect song to kick-start my feminine voice when I start out en femme. I'll let you know how it works next time I am out en femme.

Vox and the Fab Four

The word "vox" reminded me… Do you remember when the Beatles used Vox brand guitars, amplifiers and speakers when they performed live?

During that era, I remember cutting out a coupon from some magazine and sending it to Vox. In return, they sent me a Beatles poster depicting the Fab Four in concert. The poster also cataloged the Vox line of musical equipment. I remember drooling over the Vox guitars and dreaming of filling in with the Beatles or Beach Boys when George or Carl got sick.

I still have my copy of the poster somewhere.

30,000 customers served

Early this evening (Eastern Standard Time), the hit counter on this blog broke 30,000.

Thank you to all my loyal readers and to all who just stop by to take a peek!

the woman I sometimes am

Last night, I did outreach at Dr. Janell Carroll's graduate-level family therapy class at the University of Hartford. Joining me were my old friend, Barbara, a male-to-female transwoman, and a new acquaintance, Teo, a female-to-male transman.

I wore my new wig, new outfit, and new shoes. I love the retro look! Dr. Carroll complimented my look and considering the source, I was very pleased.

It was a little spooky though because when I looked in the mirror a certain way, I saw my mother! I do resemble my mother's side of the family and the new wig confirmed that fact.

Good news is that the Joy Baby Doll Pump is a very comfortable shoe. I wore them for over five hours and my feet were fine despite the three-inch heel.

There were approximately 15 students in the class. All, but one of the students were female, and most were already working as counselors, typically in schools.

We each told our "life stories." That took approximately 40 minutes leaving only 20 minutes for questions and answers.

One question gave me pause: What were my goals for the future?

Wow! I had to think about that answer.

My reply was that I wanted to continue to spread the word about transwomen like me, so that society would be more tolerant and open-minded of our tribe. I also admitted that I am a successful professional writer, that I write this blog, and that I am planning to write a book to evangelize plain, vanilla crossdressers like me.

The evening ended too quickly and before I knew it, I was home removing all signs of the woman I sometimes am.

new look

Yesterday afternoon, I wore my new wig with full makeup for the first time.

outreach tonight

Tonight, I step out en femme and do outreach for a graduate-level family therapy class at a local university.

I will be sharing the "stage" with another male-to-female crossdresser, who I have known forever (Barbara was probably my first telephone contact with another crossdresser), Robin McHaelen, Executive Director of True Colors, who will speak about trans youth, and a third person, whom I don't know.

It will be a new experience in a number of ways:

First time doing outreach with grad students

First time doing outreach at this university

First time doing outreach with this group of presenters

I hope I do a good job!

I will have a full report for you here tomorrow and I hope to have some photos, too.

Justine

A Footnote in Trans Film History

Justine is a 1969 film. It was not a big hit. I did not see it and I don't recall if it played in any local movie theater back then.

At the end of 1969, when Playboy published their annual review of films, it mentioned that Justine contained crossdressing. I made a mental note of the film because back in 1969, crossdressing in any media was very rare.

During the ensuing 38 years, I had no occasion to see the film. During that time, I also noticed that Justine never showed up on any list of trans films, so I started to doubt Playboy's take on the movie

Yesterday, while I was waiting on dinner, I was channel surfing and came in on the middle of Justine playing on one of the cable movie channels. About ten minutes into my watch, a male appeared in full evening gown drag.

Playboy was correct after all.

more outreach

When it rains, it pours! Today, I received another request to participate in another outreach; this time at Southern Connecticut State University in December where I have done outreach before.

Naturally, I accepted and look forward to spreading the word!

tweezing

I tweeze my eyebrows for a more feminine appearance. Nothing drastic, but just enough to clean them up and make them a little thinner.

They are now at a point where I am satisfied with their appearance. So, I only tweeze for maintenance.

The last time I cleaned them up was over three weeks ago, just before my last outing en femme. In anticipation of my next outing on Tuesday, I decided to do some maintenance this morning.

I was surprised to discover that very little maintenance was required. I only had to remove four or five very thin hairs. I guess all my tweezing has finally resulted in some permanent eyebrow hair loss! Hurray!

the wife problem

TGIF

By the end of the week, I sometimes run out of things to write here, but I can usually some up with something that I think is humorous. So, in lieu of brilliant prose, I will post another image that I created during my coffee break today.

I hope you enjoy the graphic images that I create and post here. I do enjoy creating them.

like father, like daughter

House votes to leave trans-people out in the cold

I want to personally thank all our "allies" and "supporters" in the House of Representatives and the GLB community for making this possible... NOT!

The House of Representatives on Wednesday passed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act but with without protections for trans-workers after more than five hours of debate, wrangling, maneuvering and lobbying.

Read the whole article to learn who are your friends and enemies.

new outreach venue

After the dust settled yesterday, it turns out that I will be doing outreach at a graduate level family therapy class at the University of Hartford on Tuesday evening. This is a new venue for me, so I am excited about it.

Most of my previous outreaches have been with undergraduate students. Next Tuesday, the students will be future school counselors, psychologists, and therapists in private practice, so I expect that the Q & A will be a few notches higher than what I usually encounter.

It should be an interesting evening!

my ephemera update

My Ephemera web page displays my collection of female impersonator postcards and paper items.

I received the following e-mail last night indicating that one of the postcards (Sammy's Bowery Follies) was not related to female impersonators, so I removed that postcard from the web page.

Hi.

I thought I'd let you know that Sammy's Bowery Follies did not have female impersonators. It had a floorshow of aging ex-vaudevillians.

Regards,

Charlie (Sammy's Grandson)