passing among the clueless

Passing is challenging.

Although I have been crossdressing since I was a young pup, I have only been going out in public on a frequent basis during the past year.

Before that, I did go out, but usually to attend support group meetings or some outing sponsored by my support group or another trans-organization. In reality, those outings were just extensions of my closet with minimal contact with the public and I did not have to worry about being read.

I had an epiphany about a year ago when I gathered up all my courage and went shopping at a local mall. One of the first things I did was go to Sephora for a makeup consultation.

During my consultation, I mentioned to the consultant that I had beard cover under my foundation and that I was wearing beard cover because I was a crossdresser. The consultant probably knew that I was a crossdresser already. She sensed my uneasiness and tried to settle me down by saying, "You only have one life to live and you should live it like you want. If someone has a problem, then it is their problem, not yours."

Those words have stuck with me ever since. Whenever I hesitate going out in public, I remember those words and they motivate me to go forward, the public be damned.

But I am still a novice going out and at a stage that when I interact with the public, I assume that I am being read (because of the closer proximity of that public). And I am waiting for them to give me a clue that they know.

Most of the time, I do not get that clue. Either the other party has no clue and I am passing or they are good at concealing the fact that they know.

I guess that instead of looking for a clue, I should just go with the flow, assume that I pass, and enjoy my time out en femme.

red

In honor of the World Champion Boston Red Sox, this week's "Femulate This" ladies will be wearing red.

GenderSAFE survey for college students

Brittney Hoffman, the GenderYOUTH coordinator at GenderPAC, is trying to get 1,000 people to fill out the GenderSAFE survey before December 1. The survey maps where colleges and universities stand on gender identity and expression issues.

If you are a college student, I urge you to complete the survey, which you can access here.

"all men want to dress up as a woman once in their lives"

"All men want to dress up as a woman once in their lives," is a remark attributed to Michael Ball, an actor playing the part of Edna Turnblad in the British production of Hairspray.

I dunno.

Speaking for myself, long ago when I was a youngster, I knew I wanted to dress up as a woman once in my life. And after I did it once, I was hooked and wanted to do it again and again and again!

But, I dunno if all men have the desire to crossdress once in their lives. In all my life, I cannot recall a single male acquaintance ever saying to me that he had a desire to don a wig, dress, makeup, and heels. On the other hand, that is not a topic males would discuss amongst themselves.

Maybe most average guys do have such thoughts and wonder how it would be to play for the other team, but being average guys, they keep such thoughts to themselves, so, who knows?

school for seduction

Last weekend while channel surfing, I came upon a British film titled School for Seduction.

I missed most of the film and normally I would have kept channel surfing except that the scene I came in on was very intriguing: a beautiful female instructor was teaching a classroom of women how to walk in a seductive manner. That caught my interest, so I stayed tuned while searching the Internet for a plot synopsis.

I found this on Blockbuster: "When an enchanting Italian temptress opens a School for Seduction in a small-town, four friends find their stagnant sex-lives taking on a whole new life in a passionate tale of love and lust."

My trans-radar is always on the alert and I quickly noticed that one of the women in the class was much taller than all the other women. A close-up of the tall woman revealed that she was wearing a wig that needed some work. I assumed she was male and further searching on the Internet confirmed my suspicions.

It was late and I started dozing off, so I went to bed. However, before I turned in, I added the film to my Blockbuster queue and the DVD should be arriving in my mailbox real soon now.

After the Red Sox game ended this morning at 12:58 AM, I was wired from watching the game, so I started channel surfing again and found School for Seduction again. Again, I came in on the middle of the film, but in an earlier scene than I came in on last week. And I learn that the crossdresser is a female impersonator honing his skills by attending the class.

A scene or two later, a group of students go to a nightclub to see the impersonator perform. He sings a torch song and the students gush over his performance with comments indicating how much the class has helped him.

I started dozing off, so I went to bed.

I look forward to watching the film from start to finish when it arrives in the mail.

Halloween plans

I am still up in the air about wearing a costume to work on Halloween.

Yesterday at work, I overheard some talk about costumes, but I was not sure they were talking about costumes to wear to work or costumes to wear other than work.

If I don't hear something more definitive on Monday, I will ask our receptionist if she is going to wear a costume, then pump her for any information she has regarding costume plans at work. Being the company receptionist, if anyone knows, she will know.

At least I have decided what I will wear if I do wear a costume. I plan to wear prostitute drag, that is, my shortest skirt, highest boots, fishnet hose, leopard top, boa, heavy makeup, big hair, etc.

I'll let you know if I go through with it as soon as I know! And there will be photos; you can count on it.

bad day en femme

the tooth of the hound

I love houndstooth, so naturally, I fell in love with this houndstooth jacket dress from Jessica London.

Jessica London sells "fashions for sizes 14W to 34W" and as a result, some of their fashions can look matronly. I don't want to dress matronly, so I am careful what I buy from Ms. London.

Before I ordered the dress, I asked my girlfriend Patty what she thought about it and it turns out that she also loves houndstooth and thinks that the dress would look great on me. That convinced me and I ordered the dress yesterday.

Patty also suggested that I accessorize with knee-high boots or red patent leather pumps and a matching red patent leather bag. I have knee-high boots, red pumps and a matching red bag, but they are not patent leather. But I think they will do.

blog review

I read all this blog's postings today (from February 6 to today). I corrected spelling, grammar, and format errors.

Also, I discovered questions embedded in the Comments that I failed to answer for one reason or another. I promise to answer all the questions I missed as soon as possible.

The Importance of Halloween

After reading this blog post, I am encouraged and may go to work in costume on Wednesday even if the company is not celebrating Halloween.

Agway vs. Victoria's Secret

Today, I went shopping at the local Agway. I bought a 40-pound bag of sunflower seed to feed my fine-feathered friends and two 40-pound bags of kitty litter for our cats. The bill came to $40.19. So, I no longer feel guilty about spending $150 for a to-die-for dress that I bought from Victoria's Secret. It was an online purchase* and an XL, so I hope it fits because XL is as big as it comes.

* By buying online, I was able to take advantage of a special $30 discount that was not available if I bought in-store. On the other hand, I do have to pay for shipping and if it doesn't fit, I have to pay to ship it back, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that it fits.

restoring our basic constitutional rights

In previous posts, I have advocated the inclusion of transgendered people in the EDNA legislation that is now stalled in the House of Representatives. The T members of GLBT need the same protection that this bill will afford the GLB members and they should not be thrown under the train to assure passage of this legislation.

Bush said he will veto this bill with or without T inclusion. And Congress lacks the votes to overturn his veto, so why are we wasting time debating this issue when there are more important issues to deal with, like restoring basic constitutional rights that Bush and his gang has stolen from us. These are rights that protect all Americans, not just GLBT Americans.

Senator Chris Dodd is fighting that battle for us, a battle that Senators Clinton and Obama are trying to dodge. Read his blog about what he is trying to do and read this blog to find out who your friends are.

I believe that our priorities should be to fight this battle first. Win back our constitutional rights and win the 2008 election. After we turn back the decider/dictator that resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, then we can fight the battle for GLBT rights (when it will be more likely to succeed ).

Halloween plans

Tonight is my support group's Halloween party, but I will skip it because it conflicts with the World Series. (I am a die-hard Red Sox fan and their appearance in a World Series is an event I will not miss.)

Halloween is actually a week away, but I have no plans except to pass treats out to the kids that show up at our door.

Mums the word at work about Halloween, so it looks like there will be no company-sanctioned Halloween celebration. I considered going to work in female costume anyway. But I don't think I have the guts to appear in costume without the company's encouragement, although I am sure a few people will appear in costume anyway.

There is still time for someone to cook something up. In past years, the engineers organized a Halloween party. So you never know, but I am not too optimistic at this late date.

design yourself stationary

Design-her Gals is a cool web site where you design an image of yourself (that's me on the right) and then you can use that image on free e-cards or personalized stationary, stickers, T-shirts, etc.

It is fun, so take a break and have some!

Monday morning quarterback

Last night, I received an e-mail from a dear friend, a genetic girl (GG), who was very upset after reading about the critique that my trans-sister gave me Thursday night, i.e., that I am "big" and that I should dress more conservatively in order to blend.

She wrote, "That's just plain rude and jealousy speaking! I admire the time, technique and pride you put into dressing en femme. You are not Transgender or Transsexual. You are a cross dresser and for someone who can not live en femme for prolonged periods of time - you put more effort than some T's and most definitely than some GG. I'm still fuming over this comment.

"Sure you're tall, so are most models. I took care of a woman a few years back that stood 6'2" at 90 and she took pride in her frame and height.

"Comments like this is what had led to the many misperceptions in body image and low self esteem. Yes, you are tall and you wear clothing that is age and height appropriate - you don't go around wearing clothing that makes you look like a 12 year old hooker in drag."

I felt a whole lot better about myself after reading and sleeping on her e-mail.

downsizing

On top, I am a size 18. On the bottom, I am a size 16 (or so I thought). When I ordered this outfit from Metrostyle, I ordered the jacket in size 18 and the skirt in size 16.

A week later, the outfit arrived. The jacket fit perfectly, but the skirt was too big!

I reordered the skirt in size 14. It arrived yesterday and fit perfectly.

Go figure!

new postcard in my online collection

I just added a "new" postcard to my ephemera page. It is a circa 1950s postcard from Club 82 in New York City.

out last night

Just wanted to quickly post a photo here from last night's outing en femme. I will have more to say about last night later today.

The Rest of the Story...

I attended the monthly Creative Cocktail Hour at Real Art Ways in Hartford last night. I arrived around 6:15, met one of my trans-sisters, and basically hung out with her until she left at 8:45.

It was the usual eclectic crowd of artists, professionals, and students, with about a half dozen trans-people in the mix. I had one drink, an apple cider martini; it was delicious and made me mellow momentarily.

At one point, my trans-sister asked me to honestly critique her ability to pass, which I did. When I was done, I asked her to do the same and she had two criticisms: that I am "big" and that I should dress more conservatively in order to blend.

I am big; no doubt about that. At 6 ft 2 inches and 200-something pounds, I stand out.

I cannot do much about my height, but if I was thinner, I might look less like a quarterback in drag. So, now my goal is to get down to 190-something pounds and if I do, I plan to reward myself by buying a dress to die for from Victoria's Secret.

Regarding my wardrobe, I thought I was appropriately dressed for the cocktail hour (see the accompanying photo and judge for your self). Admittedly, the majority of attendees were not wearing skirts or dresses, but there were other women so attired, so I was not alone.

After my trans-sister made the "big" comment, I became self-conscious about my size and noticed how I dwarfed almost everybody (both men and women) at the cocktail party, so I sat down for a while to hide my size and give my feet a break from the new 3-1/2-inch platform pumps I was wearing.

My trans-sister left, but I hung out on my own to see if I would have any success mixing with non-trans-people.

I saw a woman I knew from past cocktail hours, so I walked over to see what was up with her. She had a new motorcycle and was showing it to another woman, who I did not know. She introduced me to the other woman, who turned out to be running for the city council in a neighboring city.

The neighboring city is known for its Polish population and this woman looked Polish to me. Being Polish myself, I asked her if she was Polish because she looked Polish. She acknowledged her roots and thanked me for saying she looked Polish. We connected and talked about our Polish roots until a guy she had met earlier showed up and latched onto her.

He ignored me until it was obvious I was not going away. Finally, he introduced himself and was pleasant with me, but I did not connect with him at all. He was after her and when I realized our conversation had reached a dead end, I decided to go home and watch the rest of the Red Sox game.

I was tired anyway, so it was no loss. And I felt I had achieved something by socializing with new people who were not from the trans-tribe.

When I arrived home, my wife commented on my blonde wig. She said it was not a good color for me.

I have been thinking it is time for a change. One of the reasons I conducted my hair color poll here last month was to get feedback on what color looked best on me. Brunette came in a close second to blonde. So maybe it is time to go wig shopping.

out tonight

I will be going out en femme this evening to a cocktail hour that lasts for hours and perhaps, dinner depending on the quality and quantity of the finger food at the cocktail hour.

Since I awoke, all I have been thinking about is going out. I can hardly concentrate on my work. Well, a couple of more hours and I am out of here to go home and get ready for my outing.

more tips from Bobbi Brown

I visited Bobbi Brown's web site and found more useful information for makeup mavens (like me).

Click on the Looks & Tips link near the top of the page and it reveals a pull-down menu of helpful items.

Select 10-Step Beauty Guide from the pull-down menu and a new window appears that allows you to click through the steps of doing your makeup the Bobbi Brown way.

They say a picture's worth a thousand words. Well, in my opinion, a video is worth a million words and on the right side of the page is another menu that includes four how-to videos you can view online (how to apply concealer, foundation, lip makeup, and mascara).

All good stuff! Explore the rest of the site and you will find even more.