Meet the Civilians

This post recounts one of the first times I staffed a booth and interacted with civilians.

I attended True Colors Conference, a day long conference for school-aged GLBT youth at Central Connecticut State University. My support group had a table at the conference to distribute literature and to interact with the attendees. I volunteered to staff the booth from 9AM to 4 PM, which meant getting up at 5 AM to get dressed and drive to the university before the conference actually began.

I wore my new wig, black knot front dress and mid-heel pumps. I thought I looked rather lovely and felt wonderful especially since according to the morning weigh-in, I was down to my “playing weight.” I drove to the university and arrived at our table at 8:50 AM. I set up the table and had everything up and running as the on-rush of people began.

This was a potentially tough crowd – mostly high-school aged kids. There were also adults – teachers, guidance counselors, social workers, etc. The adults were very respectful. Many that passed our table without stopping smiled and some said “Hello.” Those who visited our table were pleasant and interacted with me without any issues. Some even complimented me.

The teenagers acted in a similar manner while I staffed the table, but when I walked around, I attracted more attention. I assume that while I was seated, attendees took me as just another middle-aged woman staffing a table, but when I stood up and walked around, my six-foot two-inch stature alerted some that I was not what I seemed to be while I was seated. Nobody did anything disrespectful (after all, this was a GLBT crowd), but I could not help noticing the extra attention.

I could try and convince myself that I am just so ravishing beautiful that people dropped everything to watch me pass by, but who would I be kidding. I was dressed more over the top than the average woman in attendance. Most of the women wore slacks, trousers or jeans. There was only a handful in skirts or dresses. So maybe my outfit was what attracted some of the attention.

I had a long talk with a 28-year-old woman, who was trying to convince me that I could wear women’s slacks and still crossdress. I don’t know if she was hinting that I might blend in better wearing slacks or whether she was just discussing women’s fashions. She could not understand why I had no interest in crossdressing in women’s slacks (my point being that I might as well dress in boy mode if I wear slacks). She also hinted that I was wearing too much jewelry.

At the table next to me were two 20-something women – recent college graduates named Jeanette and Jen, who were asking folks to sign a petition advocating the separation of church and state (where do I sign?). They were very friendly and we talked a lot during lulls in the crowd. Jeanette had some questions about crossdressing and I gave her a mini-education, while telling her my life story. She was very sympathetic. They were sad when they learned that I would not be staffing our table on Saturday.

I had lunch with two girls from my support group, and Namoli Brennet, a Tucson-based trans/genderqueer songwriter, who has been touring the country since 2002 when she released her first CD, “Boy in a Dress.” Namoli performed at the conference and also conducted a workshop. She is a very nice person in person! Funny thing is that I am familiar with the song Boy in a Dress, but I did not connect the song with her, the person with whom I was breaking bread. It was the first time I ever rubbed elbows with a rock star, so I guess I wasn’t used to associating a singer on my iPod with a real live person!

I received a lot of compliments at the conference, which just made the day so much nicer. Two were very memorable: One middle-aged woman, who I thought was one of the best looking attendees I saw all day, came by our table, smiled and said I looked very nice, I blushed. Later, a couple of high school girls came by our table and when I spoke (using my boy voice), they both were startled and looked up from the literature on our table. One of them then said, “Oh, my God, you’re beautiful!”

And so it goes.

Wearing Paige

Buster Keaton femulating in the 1921 film The Playhouse.

Old Lady is Better than No Lady

When I turned 50 years old, I wondered if I would still be femulating when I retired. I assumed that when I reached retirement age, I would look so old and unattractive that I would not want anyone (including myself) to see me en femme.

This June, I will have been retired seven years and I am still femulating no matter how old and unattractive I have become. Old lady is better than no lady and I look forward to continue femulating just like the gentle men in the image above.

Back in the 1960s, my grandparents were all spending their seventh decade on the planet Earth. My grandmothers dressed like most of the other women their age, that is, they dressed like “old ladies.” Fashion-wise, they made no attempt to compete with the younger generations. Their fashion sense reminded me of a line from the Saturday Night Live advertisement parody for Mom Jeans, “Get her something that says, ’I'm not a woman anymore, I’m a Mom!’”

Things changed and by the time my mother reached her seventh decade in the late 1970s, 60-year-old women were dressing more stylishly than their mothers had in their seventh decade... stylish enough that this girl was still borrowing stuff from Mom’s wardrobe when her Social Security checks began showing up.

Things kept changing and today, 60 is the new 40, 70 the new 50. People are living healthier and thus, longer lives. Reaching retirement age today does not have the same connotations as it did in the 1960s. I recall that  American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) commercial about a woman of a certain age who knows her way around miniskirts and can run in high heels.

Admittedly, not everyone my age fits that description... not even me. I seldom run even in flats, but I typically walk wearing heels, my hemlines seldom gets acquainted with my knees and I plan to dress my “age” for the rest of my life.

Wearing Ann Taylor

Harvey Korman femulating on television’s The Carol Burnett Show.

A Perfect Match

 

Wearing Piazza Sempione

Stas Fedyanin

From My Childhood’s Bookshelf

Wearing Bebe

Red Skelton and Broderick Crawford at a Hollywood star drag gala, circa 1950.

Acceptance by Women

By Kim

After reading your recent notes about acceptance by women, I thought you might be interested in a perspective a female friend offered some time ago. I don’t know if others will give any credence to her thoughts, but maybe they’ll have some resonance. For context, I’ve dressed all of my life, began to venture out of the house in my 40s and seem to pass very well. My experiences are similar to those of any middle-aged woman.

At the time of the conversation, I was about 50 and had frequent business trips to the city where my friend lived. When possible, we would do typical things two women might do together – have lunch, shop, visit museums. 

Because she sometimes would not be free, however, I wondered how I could meet someone else who would care to spend time with someone like me. To that end I browsed the “women seeking women” section of Match. After looking at a number of profiles, I noticed that many women described themselves as being in their 40s, recently divorced, having children in college or otherwise out of the house, who now were identifying themselves as lesbians. This puzzled me: had they simply denied their desires for most of their lives or was something else going on?

I know what follows below expresses broad generalities, but I think it gives a general spirit of why some women may not only be accepting of us, but actually looking for someone like us.

I asked my friend about these profiles and she said something I never had considered. She explained that many of those women were not lesbians, but in reality, were looking for someone with an inherent and pronounced feminine soul.  

She went on the explain her thinking: many of those women had been married to men with whom they had little to no intimacy – either physically or emotionally. The husband made all of the important decisions without asking for her input. Worse, if she expressed an opinion, he might ridicule or demean her. Their sexual relations were quick and one-sided and the leisure time that they might have spent together as a couple was used instead for the husband’s outings with the boys.

My friend continued: with the kids now out of the house, a woman with this history had the freedom to pursue a very different kind of relationship. And what would she seek in that new relationship? Sharing, genuine sharing, of ideas, feelings, activities, intimacy. A relationship where two people talked about life and supported each other. A relationship where the two partners shared common interests – fashion, cooking, gardening, whatever the case may be,  and spend time together rather than each going their own way. And rather than quick, impersonal sexual relations, she could share intimacy that was more tender and loving.

My friend continued her thoughts by saying that the problem was that many of these women weren’t aware that someone like us existed or if they had some general awareness, it hadn’t occurred to them that someone like us might be a very good match. On one hand, she would have a male “beard” for occasions where she wished to present herself as being in a traditional marriage while at other times, she would have the female partner who fulfilled many of her desires in a relationship.

I met such a woman in my 50s. She had been married twice and those marriages had many of the characteristics described in the Match profiles (we did not meet that way). Although she was not specifically seeking someone like me, she found that my femme persona provided much of what had been missing in her relationships. 

We’ve shared a very full life as two women while I’ve also preserved my male persona for work and other occasions where it is necessary. We were married as two women, we’ve gone on long holidays as two women and as opportunities permit, we have all kinds of other outings together. Our home is tranquil and loving and after nearly two decades of marriage, there’s every indication we’ll continue to live happily ever after.

I don’t know if others will agree with my friend’s perspective or how much generality it might have, but I’ve always thought her insights were worth serious thought. And there you have it.

Wearing Adrianna Papell

Piotr Gawron-Jedlikowski femulated Magdalena Narożna on Polish television’s Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo (Your Face Sounds Familiar).

Click here to view an excerpt of this femulation on YouTube.

Just Average

Wearing Ann Taylor

Rory O’Neill, Irish professional femulator

That's What She Said

Wearing Boston Proper

Tracy Jordan femulates Star Jones on Saturday Night Live.

High Heels Are Good For You!

I received a number of emails about a study that claims that wearing high heels may be good for you. According to the study, women and men who wore the heels the most became better, more efficient walkers.

Meg Winters kindly gifted us the Washington Post article so that non-subscribers can read the it, too. Click here to read it.

30 Million!

Monday morning, the visitor count for this blog hit 30,000,000! Wow!

Wearing Paige

Frankie Thomas femulating as a nurse in the 1938 film Nancy Drew, Detective.

Practically Girls

Wearing Elisabetta Franchi

Iain Armitage femulating on television’s Young Sheldon.

Comfort Zone

What is your comfort zone?

• Crossdressing at home in secret

 

• Crossdressing at home in private (someone in your home knows what you are doing, but you do not socialize with them when you crossdress)

• Crossdressing at home and socializing with some or all of the residents of your home

• Going out among the civilians crossdressed as a Halloween “costume”

• Crossdressing at a support group meeting location

• Crossdressing at home and driving crossdressed to a support group meeting

• Going out among the civilians crossdressed under the auspices of a support group or organization for a short period of time (visiting a restaurant, wig store, beauty salon, etc.)

• Going out among the civilians crossdressed under the auspices of a support group or organization for an extended period of time (long weekend conventions, week-long Fantasia Fair, etc.)

• Going out solo among civilians to do outreach

• Going out solo among civilians to “safe” locations (gay bars, Pride events, etc.)

• Going out solo among civilians anywhere and everywhere

Except for crossdressing at a support group meeting location (I always crossdressed at home and drove to meetings), that list represents my progress as I stepped outside my comfort zone. I imagine many of you have followed a similar stepping out path. 

I also imagine that some of you are comfortably crossdressing somewhere on that path and have no plans to step outside that comfort zone. You may have legitimate reasons for staying put (family, work, etc.), but if fear is the only reason you stay put, then let me quote Franklin D. Roosevelt, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

I was stuck for a very long time because I had fears about going out crossdressed among the civilians – the same fears that many of you have. Time is what finally motivated me to step out of my comfort zone. I knew that life is short and I had already wasted a lot of my life living in fear. Did I want to die without trying to. face and overcome my fears? 

No, I did not. So I stepped outside my comfort zone and discovered that FDR was right. And I kicked myself for letting fear hold me back for so long. Regretting those lost 20- and 30-something years when I was a hot, but closeted chick (LOL)! At least I got out in time as an old lady! 

So I urge you to reconsider facing your fears and more fully enjoying your life as the woman you are.

Wearing Elly Bazar