By Paula Gaikowski
I always wanted to go out and about and be seen as a woman, I almost did when I was 10 to 12 years old. I had planned to walk around the block and it’s good that I didn’t. Or maybe being outed would have led to a different path in life?When I think back to the times I was gendered correctly in public, it was always so powerful. In one way, it authenticates all the work I have put into my outfit, makeup, hair and accessories. The other part is that it validates the way I identify, as a woman; the world and society sees me as a woman and at that point, all the ideas and thoughts that have been out of alignment become synchronized, focused and for a short time, the stars align.
For instance, one time I was in the Lennox Mall in Atlanta and asked for assistance in the women’s department. “Excuse me Ma’am, I’m looking for…” These words almost knocked me down as they swept over me. I smiled demurely and answered, “I don’t work here, but you can find the Misses department over there.”
Another time I was wig shopping outside of Philadelphia, it was the typical beauty/wig supply store that you often see in urban strip malls. The young woman assisting me was very helpful and we tried on at least half a dozen wigs. We finally settled on a wig to purchase.
At this point, after all of this close interaction I assumed she knew I was a crossdresser. So I asked her, “Do you get many other men in here shopping for wigs?” She look at me a bit confused and replied, “What do you mean other men? Why do you say it like that?”
She was under no obligation or pressure to be polite and pretend she didn’t read me. She thought she was working with a woman and when I told her I was transgender, she was truly surprised. I can tell when someone is gaslighting me, she wasn’t. This incident gave me so much confidence and helped me evolve my feminine image over the next few years.
There are a few other times and I’ll add just one more. I was trying on gowns in the formal section of Nordstrom under the guise of needing a dress for my niece’s wedding. There was another woman also trying on gowns and here we were sharing a communal dressing room critiquing and complementing our different choices. The conversation between us ran the length of it all, what shoes to wear, body types, dress fit, foundations, bras and how a dress would be for dancing. In the past, I can tell when someone reads me and then peppers me with sanguine artificial comments. She really thought I was female, and for about an hour I was in a dream world.
As transgender persons, we struggle with incompatible identities, gender roles and biological sex. With that there often comes feelings of guilt, rejection, sadness and antipathy. We need and crave acceptance – all the ill thoughts and feelings can be wiped away when we are recognized for who we are.
“Excuse me, but she was next, can I help you, Miss?”
You just did!
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Wearing Rue La La |
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Silvia, antes y después de |