Wearing Ann Taylor |
Femulating Fathers Fashion Show |
By Paula Gaikowski
Stana’s blog post “Gender on My Mind” prompted me to examine a lifetime of gender thoughts.
There are some out there who discover their gender identity at an older age. The popular expression currently is “to have your egg crack.”
For me, I’ve always known and my narrative will mirror so many of you out there. I started crossdressing at 8 years old and have never stopped. I prayed myself to sleep hoping to wake up a girl. I did what I had to fit in and get along, but always felt I was just going through the motions. I never really had a passion for sports, academics, or career.
I joined the Air Force at the prodding of my parents. I did well in the Air Force in a technical field, a masculine environment where even the woman I worked with dressed as I did wearing fatigues.
When I got out of the Air Force, I still had no plans for my life or the future. I was offered a great job at a high-tech company, so I started work there. What I saw the first week there astonished me and made me realize why I felt so lost and aimless.
I never had been around or worked with office women. About half the employees were women and the dress of the day was professional, skirt suits, dresses, heels, pantyhose, make-up. Big hair and designer purses were de rigueur. They talked about fashion, family, cooking and romance. I could relate. I was enamored. These were my people, my tribe. I wanted so bad to be like them. I wanted in.
I remember getting my first paycheck and cashing it at the local bank, then going to the mall and buying a dress like one I has seen a woman wearing in the office. It was way too small, a size 10. I sat in the car and opened the bag and looked at it reflectively. I remember being so bewildered and confused and thinking please someone help me.
Wearing Lilla P |
Darrell G. Raynor |
The mystery photo in Friday’s Femulator slot garnered one clue: the portrait in the image is King Willem-Alexander of The Netherlands. The cis-gender woman and alleged femulator remained unidentified.
Researching the matter, I discovered that King Willem-Alexander and his Queen Maxima are supporters of LGBT folks. In fact, the Queen attended a transgender symposium in Amsterdam in 2016. So that lends some credence that the taller woman the photo is a femulator.
Regarding Friday’s post, “Gender on My Mind,” Paula commented that if a person constantly questions their gender, thinks about gender, crossdresses, fantasizes about being a girl, a secretary, or wife, spends their whole life just contemplating this conundrum then you can conclude that that person is transgender. That fits me to a T!
Last week was stressful. A number of things went wrong topped off by a Friday night visit to the ER (for my wife, not me). Looking at a half full glass, my wife is OK now, the ER is only four miles from my home and we were back home by midnight.
And so it goes.
Wearing Joie |
Who wore it better? |
Most people do not think much about their gender. They go about their lives, day-to-day, interacting with their world without considering their gender. They are acclimated to the role that meets society’s expectations for their gender and their lives go on with few, if any any issues related to gender.
On the other hand, some people think about their gender all the time. Thoughts about their gender fill their waking hours. They are not acclimated to the gender role that meets society’s expectations. Everywhere they turn, issues arise that cause conflicts in their mind related to gender.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you probably are in the latter group of people rather than the former. I know I am.
Gender is on my mind most of the time. When I get dressed in the morning, I often think about how I would prefer donning a female wardrobe rather than a male wardrobe. When I interact with society during my day, I often ask myself, “what would ‘she’ do?” in certain situations and how would society react to “her,” rather than “him.” Even when I am asleep, I cannot get away from it because most of my dreams concern gender issues.
Sometimes, when I find myself thinking about gender, I berate myself because I feel I should be doing something more constructive than thinking about gender. And I wonder how my life would be if I resolved my gender issues, that is, if I lived as a woman 24/7, would all my thoughts and concerns about gender go away? Then would I be able to accomplish more than I am accomplishing now?
I fear that the answer is “no.” Gender would still be on my mind. Some new gender issues would occupy my time and some old gender issues would haunt me.
Such is the lot of a transgender.
I found this image on Pinterest allegedly a photo of a cisgender female and a femulator. There was no other information about this image on Pinterest and I was unable to find anything about it anywhere on the Internet. If anyone has any further info about the image, please speak up. Anyway, I was so impressed by the femulator that I had to post the image here. |