I Go

Following up on Paula’s post about where to go out en femme and my post about encountering men when out, here is a post about traveling hither and yon in a motor vehicle en femme. 

I have driven my Subaru thousands of miles cross-country cross-dressed and my experiences as a woman driver were revealing to me.

🚘 Warning: If you are concerned about outing yourself, driving your vehicle might give you away. 

I live on a dead end off another dead end and having owned the same car for a long time, my neighbors know what I drive and on occasion, while exiting the neighborhood en femme, I have crossed paths with neighbors working in their yard or driving their vehicles in the opposite direction. I don’t know if they realized who was driving my car – no one ever mentioned seeing me en femme in my car. And even if they did, I am so out, it would not bother me, but if you are not so out, exiting your neighborhood en femme is something to consider.

Beyond your neighborhood, you might think that you are safe, but I always remember driving on I-90 in Boston, 125 miles from home, when a car passed me by blowing its horn and seeing my cousin waving as he passed by. (I was en homme at the time.) 

To add to the potential of being recognized, I have my ham radio call sign on my license plate. So if you have vanity license plates, that may be a giveaway as to who’s that girl driving your car. 

🚘 If I wear shorts or a short skirt or dress when I drive, tractor trailer drivers will occasionally honk in appreciation of the view. Even though I am an old lady, I have had this experience more than once.

🚘 No surprise here, but male drivers will take advantage of woman drivers. Men drive more aggressively when they cross paths with me. They assume that I will back off and give them the right of way, which I usually do, not because I am meek and mild, but because I am crossdressed. I do not want to get into an accident, then have to deal with civilians and police as an outed crossdresser, which showing my driver’s license will clearly reveal.

🚘 Following up on the previous point, I drive legal as a woman driver. I closely follow all the rules of the road because I don’t want to deal with police as a crossdresser. In my neck of the woods, dealing with the police is not an issue because they have been trained to deal respectfully with our kind. Beyond my neck of the woods, who knows? In any case, who wants to deal with the police respectfully or not?

🚘 Car trouble as a woman driver is a piece of cake. You won’t break a nail or get a smudge of car grease on your skirt fixing the problem. Being an AAA member is one solution, but instead of waiting for AAA to show up, just look helpless and soon a gentleman will stop by and do the dirty work. 

Once while shopping at a strip mall, I returned to my car with my purchases and my car would not start, so I opened the hood to see if that would help. It did! Within minutes, two gents in a pickup truck pulled up, assessed the situation and determined that my battery was dead. They carefully explained to me how to start the car by popping the clutch and I was quickly on my way.

🚘 Passing is easy as a woman driver. Just use your turn signal to indicate what you are doing and when the passing lane is clear, speed up to enter the passing lane. After you passed, use your turn signal again and return to the travel lane. 

Seriously, passing as a woman is easier sitting inside your car. Tinted glass and reflections off the glass camouflage your appearance so you are less likely to be read sitting in your vehicle. Waiting at a traffic light one night, a guy in the lane next to me rolled down the window on the passenger side of his car and tried earnestly to engage me in conversation. I ignored him, but I assumed that I passed especially since it was dark.

🚘 Roadtrips require stops for gas, food and overnight stays. Dealing with civilians who sell gas, food and overnight accommodations is no worse than dealing with the sales rep at your favorite boutique; they want your money, so they will treat you nicely in order to collect it. I have never had a problem – even those times when I checked into a hotel en homme and checked out en femme (or vice versa). No one batted an eye.

🚘 During long roadtrips, you are likely to need to use a restroom. I have no fear about using the ladies’ room in Connecticut because the state laws protect me, but I feel less comfortable using the ladies’ rooms in other states because their state laws may not protect me. However, I will feel even more uncomfortable if I don’t use the ladies’ room, so I do what I have to do and have never had a problem. 

For what it’s worth, I have successfully relieved myself in ladies’ rooms in the following states: Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Rhode Island and West Virginia.

And so I go.

Wearing Louisa Ballou

Scott Townsend femulating in the television movie Thirsty.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Alexa Admr

Drew Carey femulating on television’s The Drew Carey Show.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Bebe

Diedrich Bader femulating in the 1993 film The Beverly Hillbillies.

Men

On Wednesday, Paula wrote about the options that exist for going places en femme. 

Been there, done that so often that I have absolutely no fear about going out anywhere en femme once I overcame the one big fear I had when I went out: encounters with men.

I had no trouble mixing it up with females, but I avoided males whenever possible. In general, I think females (except those who may be “family”) are more accepting of transwoman than males.

When I encounter females when I am out en femme, some may not figure me out and as a result, they just treat me like another female. Those who do figure me out seem to respect my desire to be a on their team and they also treat me like another female. I can count on one hand the negative encounters I have had with females when I am en femme.

Males are something else altogether. I worried how males would react if they figured me out when I was out en femme. I did not want to find out the hard way, so I avoided males. On the other hand, it is impossible to avoid all encounters with males and I can truly say that I cannot recall any negative encounters with the males I could not avoid, but I still continued to avoid them whenever I could.

Visiting New York City for four days en femme in June 2009, I realized that it would be difficult to avoid the millions of males that populate Manhattan. I overcame the problem the very first evening I was in the Big Apple.

I had checked into my hotel and had changed into female mode for a night out with some local acquaintances. While I was waiting to go out, I was adjusting the thermostat in my hotel room and managed to knock out the air conditioning. It was warm and I did not want to be without AC, so I called the front desk and they said they would send up a repairmen.

In the past, I would have gotten back into boy mode as quickly as I could so I would not have to face the repairman en femme, but that evening, I decided that the repairman would not be the last male I would encounter during my NYC visit, so I remained en femme.

The repairman arrived, reset the AC and was out the door in less than two minutes. He was pleasant and interacted with me as if nothing was amiss (other than the AC).

That interaction with the repairman set the tone for the rest of my stay in NYC as well as the rest of my stay on the planet Earth. I no longer fear encounters with males and I stopped avoiding them.

During my stay in NYC, I had no negative encounters with males. In fact, I had some positive encounters. Two males addressed me as “hon” (as in short for “honey”). And another male blew me a kiss while I was shopping in Sephora. And you know you’re onto something when a squad car full on NYC policemen check you out as you cross Sixth Avenue in Times Square wearing a dress and heels!

Those positive encounters convinced me that I was successfully passing as a female some of the time (and if you can make it as a female in New York City, you can make it as a female anywhere). My confidence was at an all-time high and has remained at that level ever since.

Wearing Chicwish

Bruno Sanches and Alex Lutz femulating on French television’s La revue et presse de Catherine et Liliane.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Venus

Eamon Farren femulating in Australian television’s Carlotta

Going Places

By Paula Gaikowski

We all start out furtively, drawn to our mother’s or sister’s closet, out of wonder and intrigue, and then one day, curiosity blossoms into bliss and we are changed forever. So begins our journey and at first, we experiment alone hidden away trying on lingerie, dresses, hosiery, shoes and makeup. As we evolve, we seek validation of our feminine visage. Eventually there comes a need to be out in the world as a woman, to be seen, accepted and validated. Those first steps are the most difficult, standing in front of the hotel room door and finding the courage to step out. I remember it well frozen with fear but still wanting to do it so badly.

How did I start going out in public? I have been asked that question often over the years and I’d like to share some of the tips and advice that made it fun and fulfilling for me.

My ventures out into the world were mostly from hotel rooms on business trips or from my home when the family was out for the day or away on vacation. So I recommend finding a base you can operate from whether it’s a hotel or home, you need a place where you can spend time getting ready to go out. This is a magical time while you transform yourself and the caterpillar turns into a butterfly, so it’s important that you can focus and enjoy the process.

It’s very important for me when out and about to be seen or even pass as a woman. However, I also love to wear feminine and stylish clothing. That being skirts, dresses, pantyhose and heels. Whereas most women wear slacks, capris or jeans. I like to use the maxim “to dress one level up.” If the ladies are generally dressed in jeans at the venue you are going, then wear slacks and a nice top. If they are dressed for the office in slacks and nice tops, then I’d try my skirts and fitted suits. You want to look nice without looking out of place. 

The winter season with sweaters and layers were always my friend and that is why a lot of my adventures were during the colder months. I could write a book about getting dressed and looking just right, but that’s part of your journey and you need to work at it and progress. That girlfriend is where the joy is in all of this.

If you’re standing in front of the mirror and she stares back at you, it’s time to go. But where? Here are some of the places I’ve had success at while growing my image and confidence.

The first steps I took out were from the hotel room to the car and then back to the hotel room under the cover of darkness. A great way to start, then I’d walk around the outside of the hotel, maybe passing a person or two. I’d go to the vending machine and buy a soda. I soon found some self-confidence and the fear subsided. 

Then one day, I left my room key in the room – dressed as a woman, I was locked outside. It was probably one of the best things that happened to me. This had been a nightmare of mine, but when it happened, I was remarkably calm knowing there was only one way to solve my dilemma, going to the front desk, showing my ID and getting a new key. Dressed in a black skirt suit, I approached the desk knowing I was crossing a threshold moment and was surprisingly composed. 

“Hi, I can’t believe it, but I seemed to have left my key in the room.”

Without missing a beat and with a smile, she asked for my ID. All this time I’m wondering does she realize that I’m a crossdresser? Is she going to gasp when she sees my ID? 

A professional, she smiled and handed me a new key and added, “I love that pin you’re wearing.” 

I thanked her and opened an honest conversation about my predicament. She was helpful and kind and I realized at that point I was going to be able to go out in the world and enjoy being a woman. After this, I would sometimes lock myself out on purpose just so I could have conversations and interaction with someone. Keep in mind, the persons at the front desk are typically young women who are very accepting and eager to help.

My next steps out into the world were shopping malls. At first, I’d just enter, walk the length of mall stopping along the way to look into the windows of different shops and use the reflection to notice if people were noticing me. They weren’t – they just walked by busy with their own lives. Eventually, I started going into different shops (my favorites were Nordstroms and Lord & Taylor). I was always treated as a lady, used the fittings rooms and bought dresses.

Another early destination in your voyage should be to a transgender boutique such as Glamour Boutique, Rori’s or Janet’s Place. Here you can show up en femme and be sure to find a supportive environment. My first makeover at the Glamour Boutique in the 1999 was life-changing.

Cosmetic counters are supportive and helpful to transgender women. After you’ve made your first few walkabouts, make an appointment for either a makeover or makeup lesson at MAC, Sephora or Ulta. Give them a call and tell them you are transgender and want a makeover. At Mac, a 60-minute full makeover in a private room is $60 and a 90-minute lesson is $90. You can expect a bubbly and expert makeup artist who is excited to help you. 

I started doing this in almost every city where I had a business trip. I’ve lost count on how many makeovers I’ve had, but I learned so much about makeup, cosmetics and femininity. This is a great next step in your journey.

Another safe and fun place are busy office parks. I’d find a busy office complex and walk through the lobby, stop and have a cup of coffee in the café and just stroll around and be seen. It’s just a great way to get out and build confidence.

Wig stores also count on the transgender community for a share of their business. Give them a call and make an appointment. If you are in New England, I recommend Amanda Thomas wigs in Nashua, New Hampshire. They are a great friend of the community.

I spent about five years going to a therapist – it was a great decision. I told my wife it was for depression and stress and she was on board 100%. Going to a therapist was one of the best things I could have done. Being able to talk about “anything” was so cathartic and healing. 

I never expected to go to a session dressed as a woman. When my wife and daughter were on vacation, I woke up on the morning of my appointment and got all dolled up and said, “What the heck!” and drove into Boston. I parked the car and strolled through the campus of Boston University Medical center in a business suit, had breakfast in the café, rode the elevator with a Boston cop and l use the ladies’ room. Then I met with Dr. D who smiled a mile wide when he saw me. A great break through and awesome session. I can only say if you are looking for a safe space to go out as a woman, your therapist is the place.

Going out with other girls or attending a support group meeting is another great way to meet others like you, learn from their experience and express your feminine side. I had the chance to attend a transgender conference when my business trip and the Colorado Gold Rush conference intersected. It’s an amazing experience to meet scores of other just like you. I’ve also made connections thru social media with other transgender women and met up with them while traveling. I’ve attended a support group meeting in Chicago, went to a concert in the UK and visited the Ronald Reagan Library.

Dining out by myself after a makeover or shopping in the mall was always fun. I always liked Cheesecake Factory where I’ve always been treated well as a lady.

I still have a few other events on my bucket list. I’d love to attend a wedding en femme or even be a bridesmaid. 

I’ve never flown as a woman and I know that many do. When on business, I would always envy all the businesswomen in the airports and always wished I could be like them. I’d love to fly somewhere as a woman with only my girl clothes and attend a class or conference as a woman for a whole week. 

It’s important to remember this is a joyful and delightful experience. Ask any sister who has spent time out in the world and they will tell you that the fears they had about going out were unfounded. Enjoy all the little successes, learn from the stumbles and remember, you are doing nothing wrong – it’s okay to be transgender, so let her loose and be free.

Wearing Nine West

Another modern couple (boy and girl)

Someday Funnies: The Million Dollar Question

Wearing New York & Company

Ross Adams femulating in an episode of British television’s Hollyoaks. 

Pronouns and We/Us

Meg wrote, “How do your readers feel about offering pronouns?

“I feel (you knew this was coming) like it’s the trans equivalent of “Latinx,” something non-Latinos came up with so they can show they’re supportive but the target group does not like at all.

“I think this is a cis-gender construct to show they're supportive of the non-binary community, but not really. If I’m in a dress, wig and heels, do I really need to say, “Meg, she/her?” Or if I am sans all of those things, should I need to say “he/him?” 

“At work, I leaned more and more towards androgynous/femme and the only reason I did not include pronouns is I felt that turned it into a bathroom issue and I wasn’t full Meg at any time.

“Also, too many ‘funny’ people are using the pronoun construct to just spew hate. I don’t need to give another venue to those sorts of people.

“The last couple of groups I joined, people gave pronouns. Some did prefer they/them or a zie variation, but the newest group is seniors and I’m pretty sure I could fill in the blank on pronouns for all of them.

“Your thoughts?”

Mark Your Calendars Dept.

The Casa Susanna documentary will air on PBS’s American Experience on Tuesday, June 27, 9-10 p.m. ET. (Thank you, Diana, for the heads-up.)

Wearing New York & Company

Jonny Beauchamp femulating on television’s Katy Keene.

Someday Funnies: What – No Cookies?

Wearing Paige

Edgar Nelson Barclift (September 14, 1917 – March 11, 1993) was an American choreographer and dancer. As a member of the United States Army's Theatre Section during the Second World War... (Source: Wikipedia)

Following a Trailblazer

Yesterday I was honored to have this photo added to an exhibit in Cleveland's LGBTQ+ complex, Studio W 117, as part of This is Trans: A Photography Journey of Love and Awareness. Today, I am also filled with pride to announce the newly renovated and updated Kandi's Land! Please check us out! Not a bad 24 hours or so. How did I get here?

I want to take this opportunity to thank Stana publicly for many reasons. This blog (her blog) normalized all of this for me and many. It showed what was possible. This blog also gave me the motivation to do one myself. I have always enjoyed writing, but was that tree that fell in the woods. If I write something meaningful, does it make a sound? Now I try to make that sound for our sisters. I don't have a magic wand to fix the big picture issues many sisters have to fight every day. I don't have the answers for many questions, including why am I this way?But I can use my blog, my voice, to be part of the chorus led by Femulate.

Please understand the work that goes into running places like Femulate and Kandi's Land. It is a labor of love. We do it because it matters. Every voice, every opportunity for one person to find out they are not alone, every shared experience, matters. Every time you are out, every interaction is another jelly bean in the jar. When you change one mind, you make a permanent and positive impression with someone, it all gets a little better for those that follow. It will never be perfect, nothing ever is. But it will get better, it is better, we must continue to strive for better.

We have to support each other; we need to remain a community and we need to thank trailblazers like Stana for showing us the way. I'll try to do my part on my miniscule microfiber of the internet. Support Femulate, check us at Kandi's Land out. Most importantly, love yourselves!

We now return to regular programming...

Wearing Ann Taylor

Alan Manson femulates Jane Cowl surrounded by other femulators in the 1943 film This is the Army. Click here to view this film on YouTube.