Better Late than Never

This has been a busy week with four medical appointments for me and my wife (one for me and three for my wife). Since I am my wife’s chauffeur and nurse, I was involved with all four appointments including one that lasted over five hours. As a result, I am a little behind answering emails and posting blog posts (e.g., this post is 12 hours late).

Fall fashions are popping up on all the clothing websites. I love the fall fashions, but hate fallen leaves! Check out the fall offering from New York & Company in the Femulate Her spot below. Is it Stana-worthy or should I save my money? 

I love the fact that Rago is now offering 15% discounts to Femulate fans and readers. Just use the stana15 discount code when making purchases from the Rago website. By the way, the discount was unsolicited; Rago contacted me to offer the discount, so we must be doing something right!

Fall also means that Fantasia Fair is coming soon. That annual event takes over Provincetown, Massachusetts for a whole week in October (October 16–23 this year) to celebrate transgender lives with workshops, presentations, talent and fashion shows, banquets, etc. I attended four times and had the times of my life, so Fan Fair comes highly recommended from this lady!

Wearing New York & Company

Wow!

Someday Funnies: Our Gurl’s All Grown Up!

Wearing Boston Proper

Femulating Jack Vidgen (right)

Perfect Storm/Store

My favorite clothing store (Roz & Ali nee Dress Barn) went out of business in 2019. The pandemic arrived about the same time the last Dress Barn store shuttered its doors. It was a perfect storm. 

I dared not venture out to the malls amid the pandemic to find a new favorite clothing store. So I was back where I started from – shopping remotely, online rather than mail-order like in my old closeted days.

Venus became my new favorite clothing store. Their styles were attractive as were their prices. My only complaint was that delivery was slow. So spoiled by Amazon Prime, a two week or more wait for a Venus purchase was unbearable. Truth be told, Venus has improved their delivery and my most recent Venus orders arrived in one week.

Daughter bought a dress at Target for my wife for Mother’s Day. It was a Made in China brand called Zesica. My wife liked the dress, so when her birthday approached, I decided to buy her another Zesica dress. But instead of driving cross town to Target, I found Zesica on Amazon and purchased two dresses for her online.

As I wrote here two weeks ago, she was very pleased with my choices. Then she asked me if I had purchased any for myself. I said, “No.” The dresses I bought my wife were very nice – better than I expected, so I visited Amazon and ordered two dresses for myself. 

Before I placed the order, I tried on one of the dresses I gifted my wife to get an idea what size to order for myself. Her medium-sized Zesica fit me, but was too tight, so I figured XL would be right for me. 

Near instant gratification, the dresses arrived 36 hours after I placed my order. I immediately tried them on and they were too big. So I revisited Amazon, ordered the same dresses in size Large and started a return for the two XL dresses. (Amazon returns are easy – just drop off your return in a UPS drop box, UPS Store or Kohl’s. I chose Kohl’s because I knew I would be passing right by a Kohl’s after my next medical appointment.) 

 

Near instant gratification again, the Large-sized dresses arrived soon after placing my new order. They fit perfectly and I wore the leopard print on my girl’s night out on Thursday. 

Shopping online with Amazon Prime is a good deal especially with their easy returns and their “Prime try before you buy” option. Amazon is my new favorite clothing store! 

You probably know that I am a big fan of Rago shapewear. Their bras and girdles are the only brand of unmentionables I wear these days. And girls who have followed my Rago recommendations are happy and shapely customers. 

The folks at Rago are aware of girls like us who favor their shapewear and as a result, Rago is now offering a 15% sitewide discount to Femulate fans and readers. Just use the stana15 discount code when you shop at the Rago website. How cool is that!

Wearing Rue La La

Selina Powers, professional femulator, circa 1965

Someday Funnies

Source: td2031 at https://www.deviantart.com/td2031

Dear Sixteen

By Paula Gaikowski

Sixteen is an age when we think we know everything, yet we know almost nothing. In my 60’s perhaps, I’ve learned a few things – one of those things is how little I do know. With that in mind I’ve decided to write a letter to my 16-year-old self.

Dear Paul or might I say Paula?

I am writing to you from the future. You don’t know me, but I know you very well. There are 50 years that separate us and time, you will learn, changes all, which in a practical sense, really makes me a different person. 

I won’t tell you how our life story goes, but I will tell you that there is nothing to fear. I won’t ask you how you are because I know exactly how you are: confused, conflicted and depressed about a lot of things. The disfunction at home, Mom and Dad’s fighting, their alcoholism, trouble with schoolwork and you feel lonely, uncertain and sometimes hopeless. 

There is also another really big thing that bothers you, a big secret that you are embarrassed and ashamed about. Yes, I know that you feel like and want to be a girl. I know that you dress in your mom’s and sisters’ clothes after school. I know that you have just read Christine Jorgensen’s biography and was moved by it. Yes, I know your deep dark secret. It’s okay. You have a condition that is not understood in 1976, but in a few years, there will be a name for it, “transgender.” You are transgender.

Before we talk about that big secret, I want to give you some advice about some of the mistakes we made along the way. 

First, take care of your health and your body. In our 20’s and 30’s, we drank a lot and it really had a negative effect on our life. We also over-ate and gained weight. We did this as a way to blur the anxiety and depression we were experiencing as a transgender person. 

Next year, our sister is going to build a house. Stay off the roof; you fall off and hurt your back.

At one point, you decide not to continue your education. One regret we have now is not doing so, please consider this carefully.

As for your home life, Mom and Dad in the year 2022 are much loved and better understood. Granted the environment you are living in now is emotionally unhealthy and a toxic environment for a young person coming of age. You leave home after high school and that will be for the best. Right now, you know what is right and wrong and what is good and bad. Trust your instincts they will serve you well.

So, let’s talk about your big secret. I know right now in 1976 Bruce Jenner is in the news for winning the Olympic decathlon. Guess what? In 2015, Bruce announced to the world that she is transgender and transitions as a woman. I won’t tell you her new name. I’ll let that be a surprise. Her biggest regret is hiding this secret and losing the chance to live as her true self for so many years.

In the year 2022, transgender persons will be much more common. The medical field will have treatments for persons like ourselves. You will be able to change your body to match how you feel inside. Gender reassignment surgery, facial feminization surgery, breast augmentation and hormone replacement therapy will be offered in most major medical centers and be covered by insurance.

Major corporations will help employees transition on the job and transgender persons even serve in the military.

I understand how joyful you feel when you spend time dressed as a girl and imagine life as a young woman. I also understand the apprehension you have if your secret was to get out at this time in your life; you fear that nobody would understand or support.

People will come and go out of your life and you shouldn’t be afraid to be yourself. You will find that people who care about you will accept you and support you. The persons who don’t are the ones who don’t stay in your life that long.

In the next few years there will be times when you have a chance to share your feelings with some – trust them and do it. I decided not to and regret that. 

You’ll have a relationship with a gay woman. Both of you will be navigating your awaking sexuality. She will offer to teach you about fashion, style and dressing as a woman. She will also offer to take you out and introduce you to other transgender persons. Take a chance and don’t be afraid.

Stop beating yourself up for being transgender. You did nothing wrong. You were born differently and have a different path than others. You are a good, kind, thoughtful, hardworking, intelligent and caring person. You have so much to give to the world no matter how you decide to live your life. Just trust how you feel and don’t be afraid of what others might think.

I had a good life living as a man. I’ve been successful and had a family and a wife. However, along with this has been periods of deep despair and a constant low-grade depression – a feeling that things are not right. A square peg in a round hole. Just get through the next few years, I would always say.

I know myself very well at this point in my life and have given “our secret” a lot of thought and consideration. I can say that deep down I know that I would have been happy living as a woman. I’ve learned over the years that these feelings are much deeper than wearing nice clothes and glamour. In my heart and inborn in me is a need to be seen, socialized and loved as a female. I know that I would have contributed to society and lived a full and satisfying life as a woman, wife and mother.

With Heartfelt Love, 

Your 63-year-old Self

Wearing Bebe

Femulating in Paris in 1964

Thor’s Day Out

Thursday, I dressed pretty and attended the Creative Cocktail Hour put on monthly by Real
Art Ways. “Held every third Thursday of the month. A diversity of cool cats and outcasts gathers to experience art and connect with one another.” 

Last time I attended was just before the pandemic. Avoiding crowds, I have not attended since... until yesterday. (Before the pandemic, I attended three or four times each year.)

I wore a new dress from Zesica via Amazon – a sleeveless Damask T-shirt cover-up dress in a sexy leopard print, nude pumps from Payless, nude bag from Christian Siriano, nude thigh highs from Berkshire, gold necklace and earrings from Avon and unmentionables from Rago. 

To offset all the nude-ity, I wore a black scarf, but that choice was rejected by my fashion consultant (my Missus). She suggested something brighter, so we went through my scarf stash and redressed with a gold scarf.

The “Hour” starts at 6, so I left home at 5:30 PM. Traffic was light once I got through ESPN Town congestion and I arrived at Real Art Ways at 5:50. Paid my admission and looked for a familiar and/or welcoming face. 

I immediately ran into Deja, a friend who I first met at our support group years ago. We bought drinks, then grabbed a couple of seats indoors to catch up with each other’s lives. After we were all caught up, we went outside to listen to the live band, where I ran into Audrey, another support group friend. Audrey took the photo above, while we tried to catch up, but it was difficult because the band was very loud.

I did not encounter any other old friends, but I did meet some new acquaintances – two girls like me, one girl who was indeterminate and a table of cisgender girls, who “loved” my outfit.

At 8 PM, I exited to avoid driving in the dark. 

It was fun to get out again and I plan to do so more often.

Wearing Soleiluna

Members of Transvestite Independence Club (TVIC) circa 1977

Someday Funnies

Wearing Paige

Members of the American Guild of Variety Artists (AGVA), circa 1965

Fear of Height

First time en femme among the civilians

Reading Paula’s post on Monday about being paralyzed by fear when attempting to go out en femme brought to mind my own going out en femme fears.

For years, I only went out en femme to attend support group meetings and support group-sponsored outings to restaurants, beauty salons, wig stores, etc. I was closeted the rest of the time because I feared that I would not pass due to my height (six foot two).

On at least one occasion, I made up my mind that I would go to the mall en femme. I drove to the mall, parked my car, sat in my car and finally got out of my car. And quickly got back in my car and drove home. Mission Not Accomplished!

There are not many women who measure up to my height, so my fear was justified. I resigned myself to being closeted forever. But then I began taking names – the names of women of height. 

Women of height affirmed my existence as a tall woman, i.e., I was not the only tall woman out and about in society. Few were as tall as me, but maybe there were enough out there so that I could blend in more easily as just another tall woman.

With new confidence, I drove to the mall again, parked my car, sat in my car, finally got out of my car, walked into the mall and the rest is herstory! 

It was not a perfect outing. A couple of women reacted in a manner that indicated that they might have figured me out. And that’s not surprising because it was my first time out among the civilians; I was a little nervous and might have done something to give myself away. Either that or they were just in awe of my Amazonian beauty (yeah – that's the ticket).

By the end of the day, I was strutting my stuff like a full-time woman. It felt wonderful. My fear of height was gone and I never hesitated again going out en femme among the civilians.

Wearing Bailey44

Womanless wedding, circa 1960

Someday Funnies

Wearing Ann Taylor

Alex Newell

Fear Not

By Paula Gaikowski

Paula on a train in London

I step toward the mirror; there she is “Paula.” A huge smile flashes across my face, a joyfulness takes over, a sense of relief. I primp in the mirror then pack my purse, credit cards, license, cash and room key. I primp in the mirror again. My nails! I forgot my nails. It takes a few minutes, but they’re pretty, a press-on French manicure – just the right feminine detail. 

I check my purse again. I’m nervous; there’s a bit of trepidation as I stand in front of the door. Faintly I hear his voice pulling me back. I stand there frozen. I open the door and step out and take a few steps. Filled with fear, I run back to the safety of the hotel room.

I go back out. This time I make it to the car. Oh gosh, as much as I want to, I can’t do this and I run back to the room. I spend the rest of the night doing my makeup and trying on different outfits. Next time I tell myself, next time.

I didn’t bust out of my and Dockers and into a skirt and heels without a struggle. This butterfly spent a lot of time as a caterpillar emerging. I spent most of the 90’s doing just what I described above and it wasn’t until 2006 that I started going out and about on a regular basis as a woman.

I was fearful of many things, but mostly it was a matter of self-acceptance. I gave myself permission to be transgender. Sounds simple, even silly, however, I finally realized that it was okay if I didn’t pass. I’ve grown a lot over the years. I no longer see my dressing as a woman as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. 

Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side. When I am in public, if somebody realizes that I was a transgender woman that is okay because I am. That made a big difference in my frame of mind and allowed me to walk out the door.

As we all know, the fears we had were unfounded. Some of us went out and passed some of the time, but if we didn’t pass, we were still treated with respect and politeness.

Still many of us struggle with that bit of apprehension when leaving the refuge of our home or hotel room. After two years of pandemic imposed exile, I find myself acting like I did back in the 90’s. Gazing at that door with trepidation and pondering “what if, oh no!” 

So I came up with a little psychological ploy to overcome my doubts, fears and worries. One of the hurdles I had to get over was that I thought of myself as a man going out into the world dressed as a woman. Although I live as man most of the time, deep down I am a woman and for reasons too complex and drawn-out to list here, I live as a man.

Before going out, I check myself over making sure my look is complete. I take several minutes and begin meditating. This is a very peaceful time. After getting dressed and transforming myself, I feel so feminine, harmonious and euphoric. 

I imagine myself as a transgender woman who transitioned many years ago. I live as woman every day now, I tell myself. There is no reason to fear because I wear these clothes and makeup every day. I am Mrs. Paula Gaikowski, a married woman with a loving husband and family. I have a successful career as a woman. This is who I really am and who I was meant to be, so go forth without fear or worry and enjoy being my true self.

When I walk out that door that’s how I see myself. t works for me; maybe it will help you, too. 

Wearing Venus

Femulating on Hungarian television’s Éretlenek