Someday Funnies: Look Femme, Feel Femme, Be Femme

Wearing Envy

20-something femulator

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly or Brenda’s Attempt at “Out and About”

By Brenda

I had a rare opportunity with no one home for a full 24 hours that would allow me to be “out and about” for an evening. My plan was to visit the mall, a hardware store and Ikea. I planned to leave the house upon nightfall allowing several hours of shopping. However, retail hours have been cut short and stores are not open until 10 p.m. anymore.

I had my outfit ready to go and would enjoy an afternoon at home first. I just needed to tape up the Zoom camera just in case I had a work call.

The Good

Wearing of a mask means I don’t need any real makeup except for eye shadow. Wearing glasses, the impact may be less. I still put on lipstick to match my press-on nails.

The Bad

An important package was to arrive at the last minute needing a signature, which put my departure time later than planned. This cost me time.

The neighbors set up a hockey net right in front of my driveway and played road hockey with their kids. That cost me time as I needed for them to go away so I could drive out without notice or suspicion.

My shoe size has gone from a size 10, 20 years ago to a size 11 and now it’s very much a size 12. Pre -planning helped me find a nice pump, but I really wanted a chunkier heel, but the stiletto would work. Is this what happens as we age – our feet get bigger?

COVID weight gain pushed my skirt size up two sizes, but a quick visit to the thrift shops solved that problem. In fact, I spotted another gurl casually spending time enjoying herself shopping.

The Ugly

My left knee has become problematic and of course, it was giving me pain the day before. This ruled out the high heels. No problem – my flats fit fine, but I will bring my pumps just in case.

So anxiously eyeballing the road hockey family, they finally realized it was too dark to play and packed up. By now it was 7:30 p.m. and I decided maybe I should just go straight to Ikea as the mall closed at 8 p.m.

Well, I managed to check out DSW just before closing hoping to find new shoes, but no luck.

Ikea worked out great as I followed through the maze, but what I wanted was out of stock. My knee held up well with the high heels with the shopping cart providing support.

The time savings without the check out line let me drop into Lowes to look up paint colors and stroll through appliances and kitchens. I was feeling very confident that I am sure the middle-aged woman would pass well in the power tools section as well. I did wear my flats.

So what does a femulator do when the stores close?

A drive-through coffee, a visit with a couple of ATM machines, return some books at the library drop box, drop off donation items at two charity boxes, but I did not mail any letters. I switched to my heels and parked farther away than normal allowing the swish of my skirt and the clicking of my heels to serenade my femininity.

I was home by 10:30 p.m. and changed into something more casual, but still feminine (as opposed to a sweat shirt and track pants) and enjoyed tidying up the kitchen and putting everything away.

I did enjoy my chance to go get some fresh air even though I had several obstacles in my way. My confidence went up as the mask provides a sense on anonymity, but in my hyper vigilance of reading reactions, I found no instance of double takes or confused stares that would put me on edge. Many shoppers go about their business unaware of others and I found that I am passable because I try to blend in for my age group and stay confident in knowing I belong. Just like the civilians, I too go about my business unaware of others (though my Spidey sense is always on).

One thing I did realize is that possibly I will seem out of place in the malls from a fashion standpoint. Women have moved to tight sport clothes, casual sweats, jeans and more casual footwear. The stylish woman is either hiding in her home or they too have adopted the new, super casual look. This is a look I don’t think I can pull off and blend into the crowd as I prefer the jacket, skirt and scarf that represents the executive assistant or secretary style.

Maybe I need to lose the extra weight and give the casual look a try. Maybe I also need to abandon the Spanx and girdle and leave the bra behind like todays woman, but then I won’t have a skirt or heels or stockings to make myself feel feminine.

Wearing Böhme

John Inman (right) femulating in British television’s Are You Being Served?

Being a "girl" vs. being a "woman" on Halloween

The following article originally appeared in the always entertaining Gwen’s Place, Glavyril's now-defunct blog. Although originally written as fiction, take it from me that there is a lot of truth in this story.

While many transgenders and crossdressers dress frequently and are out and about, surely many more indulge themselves only on special occasions – none of which is more special than Halloween. 

If they have a real gal in their lives who cares and wants to be supportive, be aware that it can be stressful for her. Understandably, she may be supportive of many things in private, but not want it to be general knowledge that her beau has a girly side.

All excited about their upcoming Halloween party, Henry used some poor judgement with regards to body hair removal. Fortunately, his clever girlfriend defused his faux pas by doing him up in a homemade costume that no one will take seriously. Henry, who was likely planning on “working girl chic,” while feeling a bit ridiculous, probably does not realize what a favor his supportive girlfriend has rendered. 

Perhaps he even feels that she is trying to humiliate him? Not hardly – she even plans to cover for him, “Well, he didn’t want to shave everything, but he looks so cute and a little girl can’t be all hairy, now, can she?” 

No, Henry had “big girl” plans and had not planned to have a ribboned girlish bob, while wearing pink ruffles, carrying a dolly and girly handbag to the party. But Linda is not cruel and she spent a lot of time on his outfit! Folks will certainly chuckle if not laugh at “Henrietta” as Linda will call him. His buddies will be calling him that for months, but it will still look to them like a costume… perhaps over the top, but still a costume.

Now, a cruel Linda would have helped poor Henry look as much like a real woman as possible for the party, something out of the Devil Wears Prada motif, perhaps? Sure, the “Little Girl” might raise a few eyebrows but it is silly, innocent, heck boob-less and can likely be laughed off by folks, especially if “Mommy” plays along. 

As compared to a Henrietta with a glam coiffure, wearing a pencil-skirted Armani suit and Jimmy Choo heels, shaved, plucked, boobed and bejeweled, basically looking like an avid reader of Vogue. As the knowing smirks and pointed comments accumulate, Linda may likely let Henry take the fall as she thinks he should.

“Oh, he does it all the time. It seems I am dating another woman,” she might let slip after a drink or two.

So, if you are not ready to be outed, think “costume” not “real.” 

Wearing Venus

Lil Nas X femulates Nicki Minaj (Halloween 2020)

Halloween Recap

I began writing this post at sunset on October 31 while sitting in the front room keeping an eye out for kids coming up our long driveway to trick or treat.

Last year was the pandemic and no one showed up. Year before that, no one showed up because the weather was bad (rained heavily all day and night). And the year before that, only two boys convincingly dressed as female cheerleaders showed up.

The weather this year was perfect for trick or treating... dry and in the mid-60s, but I don’t expect many kids to make the trek here. Our neighborhood has matured and the kids are no longer kids and too old to trick or treat, so if we get any customers, they will be from the distant cul-de-sacs.

I did not dress for Halloween this year. I pulled out my old French maid uniform and thought about wearing it to present candy to the trick or treaters. Then I figured why go to all that trouble if we are likely to get few, if any trick or treaters. I would have ended up just sitting around en femme, tugging at my tight girdle and the hem of my short skirt, while my wife watched 90 Days Fiancé on the tube. (Early on I thought that the name of that show was 90 Days Beyonce and I wondered why Beyonce never made an appearance!)

Saturday night, I watched The Fly, old Frankenstein and Young Frankenstein on TCM. I never watched The Fly from beginning and end and I was surprised how good it was. Old Frankenstein is always enjoyable, but I forgot how short it was (only 70 minutes). I enjoyed Young Frankenstein, too, but it saddened me when I realized that most of the cast was dead. 

And then there’s Jerry Remy.

But there is some good news. Next week, I will do outreach at a local high school, so I will finally get out en femme among the civilians. And we had one trick or treater show up, so we are trending upwards!

Wearing Venus

Ana La Chica Bolera (Ana the Bowling Girl) is a situation comedy from Mexico in which all the roles are played by males. It is neither a film nor a television program. Rather, it is a web-only production that you can view on YouTube.

Someday Funnies: A day late and a goody short

Wearing Venus

Sid Silvers femulating in the 1935 film Broadway Melody of 1936.

Someday Funnies: En Femme Everyone on October Thirty-One

Wearing Boston Proper

Colin Baker femulating Marlene Dietrich on British television’s This Morning.
You can view this femulation on YouTube.

whatever works (still works)

I originally posted this in November 2009.

There is a joke that has been around the transgender community for awhile that goes like this:

What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?

Three years.

The joke implies that when someone realizes that he or she is a crossdresser, it takes three years to realize that he or she is a transsexual.

There is some truth to that joke. I have witnessed many folks come out as crossdressers, only to come out as transsexuals three or so years later.

But, sometimes it takes longer.

After crossdressing for over four decades, I recently came to the realization that I am a woman.

I am not a woman trapped in a man’s body, I am really a woman. I think as a woman, I emote as a woman, I act as a woman, I speak as a woman and whenever the opportunity arises, I present as a woman. To most of my acquaintances, I am the most womanly male they know and that’s because I really am a woman.

True, my container is male (more or less), but its contents are 100% female.

I am very averse to fooling around with my container. Many things can go wrong and so far, my container has held up pretty well, so why mess with it. As a result, I have no interest in taking hormones or having surgery to modify my container so that it matches its contents.

I am very happy being a woman and very glad that I am not a “man.” I might be happier if I could present as a woman all of the time, but I have made choices in my life that make that impossible. So I live part-time as a male and part-time as a female, but no matter how I live, I am a woman all the time.

Whatever works.

Wearing Jonathan Simkhai

Richard E. Grant en femme in the British film Everybody’s Talking About Jamie.

Swingin’ ’60’s Chick

In honor of our favorite holiday on Sunday, I am reposting past Halloween posts every Friday in October. The following is a repost from my old blog, dated October 2006.

Saturday was fabulous!

My makeup went on flawlessly. I think that after 40 years, I am starting to get the hang of it! I was trying to achieve that big eye look that was popular back in the late 1960’s and I think I did a good job of replicating it. False eyelashes were the key to achieving the look. I was very happy with the results.

Darn fishnets started tearing as soon as I pulled them up over my fanny, but the tear was in the crotch and did not spread, so I left well enough alone. After I put on the dress and the boots, I looked just like another swingin’ chick of the ’60’s!

I was ready to go at 5:30 PM, which was much too early for heading out to my support group’s meeting/party, so I decided to visit my friends Patty and Ron and let them see my costume. I called to make sure they would be home (they would) and then I hit the road.

I wanted to stop and buy some pastry for the party. I remembered that the local IGA’s have nice pastry, so I stopped at the IGA in Southington to shop for the sweets. Note well that with my go-go boots, I am about 6 feet 5 inches tall and dressed unlike anyone else in the store. I walked to the extreme opposite corner of the store where the bakery was located and I did not notice anyone noticing me, neither customers or store staff.

I picked up some strawberry and cheese mini-Danishes and proceeded to the cashier. There were two lines, each with about 4 or 5 customers. As is my way, I managed to choose the slow line and was stuck right behind an elderly couple who were taking their sweet time unloading their shopping cart.

A 30-something woman in the other line noticed me and smiled while checking me out intently. I don’t know if she was smiling because she liked my costume or because she realized I was male. I was hoping that we would leave the store at the same time and that she might say something, but with Ma and Pa taking their sweet time in front of me, she was long gone by the time I checked out.

As Ma was removing the last item from her carriage, she noticed me, gave me the once over, then turned to the business at hand, i.e., paying the cashier.

I was next. The male cashier asked, “How I was doing this evening?” and showed no signs that he knew I was crossdressed. I paid for the pastry and exited the store truly amazed at how anti-climatic it all had been.

I visited Patty and Ron and met their two bijon frise dogs. Everyone including the dogs, seemed to like my costume.

Then, I headed up to West Hartford for the party. There was a nice crowd... about 15 to 20 people, most in costume. It seemed that almost everyone brought some goodies to eat. It was quite a sweet spread!

I received a number of compliments for my costume and makeup. That was nice!

I guess most everyone had a good time because the meeting/party did not break up until after 11 PM, which is the latest I have ever seen a support group meeting break up.

Wearing New York & Company

Couple crossdressed for Halloween

Someday Funnies: Costume... Not!

For me, there is a lot of truth in this cartoon. Attending civilian Halloween parties en femme, I overheard the words spoken above at least twice. Another time, I was asked point-blank what was my sex. Still another time, a male tried to pick me up because he thought I was a female. Yet still another time, a female tried to pick me up because she thought I was a lesbian. And so it goes! 

 

Wearing Alexis

Bing Crosby femulating in the 1960 film High Times.
You can see Bing in pink on YouTube.

Here Comes the Boy Bride

Over the weekend, I came across a copy of the November issue of Reader’s Digest and I was very surprised to see an item in the magazine’s “Life in these United States” section: a cute photo of a young boy and girl crossdressing as a bride and groom. 

The photo illustrated an item titled “He’s a Family Man” submitted by the grandmother of a five-year-old boy, who wrote, “When I asked my five-year-old grandson why he was so anxious to turn six, he replied, ‘So I can finally get married and have kids!’”

I have not read Reader’s Digest in years, so maybe the magazine has become more liberal, but it is one of the last places I would expect to see an image of a crossdressed boy.

Wearing ModCloth

'Little Billy' Rhodes femulating in the 1926 film Oh, Baby!