Trans-Manners

Hi Stana!

I’m a cis-woman who started reading your blog for the fashion and stayed for your unique perspective on trying to live an authentic life. Could you write a post about what good manners are for members of the public who encounter transgender people?

Thank you,

Beth

👦 / 👧

Hi Beth,

Thank you for the compliment, that is, "I’m a cis-woman who started reading your blog for the fashion."

Regarding your question, I will always remember when I unintentionally scared the living daylights out of a transwoman. I was attending a transgender convention, arrived in boy mode and boarded the elevator at the host hotel, which was occupied by a young transwoman.

I said, "Hello" and asked her if she was enjoying the convention.

She reacted like the proverbial deer in headlights.

Oops! I immediately realized my error and added that I was also attending the convention, but had not changed to girl mode yet.

She was relieved and I learned a big lesson. Whenever I encounter someone who I think is trans, I bite my tongue and don't say anything that gives away my assumption about their gender. I might say, "Hello" and make small talk, but I would never say something like, "Your femulation is great!" 

...for two reasons...

1.  What if they are not trans? I don't think I have to explain why misidentifying a civilian as trans is a big no-no.

2.  And if they are trans, they probably don't want anyone (even another trans) telling them that their cisgender is showing. Some trans people may not care, but it is better to err on the side of caution and not say anything because many trans people do care.

So the answer is that generic small talk is OK, but don't say anything that will burst the bubble of a trans person who is trying to make their way out among civilians in their true gender.

Wearing Diane von Furstenberg (Source: DVF)

Simon Hanselmann, cartoonist

No Surprise

Above Average

Commenting on my Thursday post, Meg wrote, "I wonder when you'll stop being surprised that you're treated as the woman you are."

Julie and Tina left concurring comments. I can imagine Cher saying, "Get over it" as she slaps me in the face.

For most of my life, I did not present as a woman among civilians. When I began stepping out as a woman, I questioned any attention I received — usually assuming the worst, that is, a civilian figured out that I was not what I appeared to be.

There is probably some truth in that assumption because early on, my presentation may have been lacking. But as I fine-tuned my presentation, I received feedback in my encounters with civilians that indicated that I was fooling some of the people some of the time.

Thirty years later, I think my presentation is better than average and when I am out, I assume that everyone accepts me as a woman. So I am no longer surprised when I am treated as a woman.

However, when I write about my days and nights out as a woman, I often mention the positive treatment I receive in order to encourage my readers that they too can go out and be accepted as the women they truly are.

And so it goes.

I'd wear this outfit (Source: Pinterest)

El Brendel femulates in the 1935 film Okay Jose.

Another Fashionista Day

Not a Pretty Picture Dept.

Here is a follow-up on the outfit I purchased from New York and Company last week.

Everything fit me fine. I liked the polka dot blouse and it is a keeper, but I did not like the pants.

The on-line photos gave me the impression that the pants were stretchy leggings made of a cotton and spandex blend. Instead, the pants were a rayon, nylon and spandex blend and did not stretch much at all... not like leggings. Instead of clinging to my legs like leggings, they covered my legs and did not hint at the shape of what was underneath.

Maybe they were too big, but they were also very wrinkled and not attractive at all (on me), so I am returning the pants along with the matching cardigan for a refund.

Ten Happy Piggies Dept.

I wanted to wear my "new" Nine West high heel pumps out to dinner last Wednesday, but I was a little hesitant. The heel is 4-1/2-inches high and at that height, comfort can be a problem.

I have high heel inserts that usually provide some comfort, but I decided to try something different: ball of foot cushions that I recently purchased. The cushions are different than to what I am accustomed. Rather than slipping the cushion in your shoe, you wear your hosiery over the cushion and the cushion has a loop that slips over your second toe (the little piggy that stayed home) to keep the cushion in place.

They worked. I wore my heels for over six hours and comfort was not an issue. I even wore them driving my manual transmission go kart.

(Source: Pinterest)

Frederick Weller femulates in television's In Plain Sight (2012)

I'm So Tired

Sorry, there were no Sunday Funnies yesterday! The past five days have been very hectic and the blog suffered as a result.

Wednesday evening, I went out for my free dinner and when I returned home, I chronicled the evening for the blog before I went to bed because Thursday was Day One of my daughter's move.

Thursday, we rented a box truck from U-Haul, brought it home and loaded it with my daughter's belongings. I never drove anything bigger than a passenger van before, so I was a little nervous getting behind the wheel of the truck, but I got used to it very quickly. The truck had a rear view camera to facilitate backing up and that was a godsend.

Friday morning, Day Two of the move, we drove the truck to my daughter's apartment in Hartford. The building (formerly a factory) had a loading dock and a freight elevator, so we were able to move everything up to her fourth floor apartment by loading the freight elevator twice. Our cousin showed up to help us move and we managed to get everything into the apartment in two hours. Then, we assembled her bed and quit for the day. My daughter rewarded us with dinner at Outback Steakhouse.

We returned to her apartment Saturday to assemble some other furniture and unpack the essentials. We quit after four hours, went home, ate dinner and crashed.

I spent Sunday morning removing the ice covered snow from the driveway and sidewalks. The snow overnight turned to rain this morning, which froze on contact making power outages a possibility. I am crossing my fingers that that does not happen. So far, so good, but I am trying to finish and post this as soon as possible, just in case.

And I'm so tired!

Wearing Veronica Beard (Source: Veronica Beard)

Oslo Grace, model

There is such a thing as a free lunch: the rest of the story

Wednesday evening, I had a free dinner date courtesy of the Prudential Financial. The event was held at the Aqua Turf Club, the finest banquet facility in the area, so I dressed appropriately for a nice night out.

I wore a "parker green" belted bell-sleeve sheath sweater dress from New York and Company with "Tomalah Ombre Pumps" from Nine West. I accessorized with earrings, necklace and watch from Avon and a black satchel handbag from Jessica Simpson. I also wore a new hairdo: Noriko Reese in a shade of red called "Cherrywood."

Aqua Turf is only 20 minutes from my home, so I left at 5:30 PM to arrive at 5:50 PM for a 6 PM start. As I drove into the parking lot, I was surprised by the number of people walking into the banquet hall. For a second, I hesitated and thought about not mingling with hundreds of civilians (turned out that there were about 400 people in attendance), but I gathered up my handbag, exited the Subaru and joined the throng heading indoors.

There was a line of civilians checking in along with a lot of Prudential suits milling about and it seems that they all looked up when the tall redhead got in line. One of the suits came over to me, asked my name and directed me to the correct line for my last name (there were three separate lines for three divisions of the alphabet).

I exchanged banter with another tall woman joking about which line to get into because the lines were not clearly defined. She was in my line and I was in hers, so we swapped spots.

The suits checking me in did not blink when it came to my male name that I was registered under. I think they were too busy to care.

After I checked in, another suit escorted me to my table, which was occupied by a 50-something couple. Soon we were joined by two other 50-something couples and one gent who was solo. I was seated between two women and we chit-chatted throughout the evening... some girl talk and some talk about retirement planning.

The speaker, Tom Hegna, was excellent. He was entertaining and informative, has written five books on retirement planning and convinced me that the annuity I owned was a good thing after all.

The food was good, too. I have eaten at Aqua Turf in the past and the food was always over the top, but I assumed that a free dinner might be cut-rate. I was wrong; dinner was excellent.

I also assumed there would be some high pressure salesmanship at the event, but there was none. However, I expect I will receive a call from a Prudential suit in the near future.

The event broke up at 9 PM and I arrived home shortly thereafter.

The evening went very well. No one gave me an odd, knowing look. Rather, everyone treated me as a woman and I had a wonderful time.

Wearing Diane von Furstenberg (Source: DVF)

Wearing New York and Company dress, Nine West shoes and Avon jewelry 

There is such a thing as a free lunch

I just arrived home from my free dinner. It's too late to write much about it, but I will say that it went well. Standby for a full report as soon as possible.

Wearing Escada (Source: Rue La La)

Yours truly dining out Wednesday evening

Fashionista Wednesday

Black opaque tights with black patent high heel pumps

I am very busy this week packing for my daughter's move to Hartford, but I will be going out to dinner this evening and am looking forward to dressing to the nines.

In light of my Fashionista Wednesday, I recommend reading Rhonda's must-read "your style" post.

And over at Who What Wear, Kat Collins writes about three fashion blunders that may be aging you (and me).

Meanwhile, Romney recently asked me, "What is the 'rule' for color/shade of stockings in consideration of the color/shade of skirt?"

I really don't consider the skirt or dress color when choosing a hosiery color. I am more concerned with the shoe color, for example, I would never wear a shade of hosiery that is darker than the color of my shoe.

Being a fashionista, I usually wear a nude shade of hosiery because fashionable ladies don't wear any hosiery at all and a nude shade is as close to achieving the same results (I don't think my legs are good enough to go without hosiery.)

One look I love is wearing nude hosiery with nude high heel pumps. It creates the illusion of having longer legs (as if I needed that!).

For dress-up occasions, I often wear black or off-black for a sexier look. Dressing for my company's Christmas luncheon, I wore pin dot pantyhose, which added a bit of pizzazz to an otherwise plain off-black shade of hosiery.

If I wear tights, which I often do in the winter to add a little warmth when wearing a skirted outfit, I usually wear black opaque tights, which look very fashionable when worn with black patent high heel pumps.

I hope that was helpful. If not, ask again.

Black opaque tights with black patent high heel pumps (Source: Pinterest)

Alan Manson femulates in the 1943 film This Is the Army.

Dressing Daddy

I mentioned that my daughter gave me a Kate Spade handbag — an early Christmas gift to wear to my former company’s Christmas luncheon.

Christmas morning, she gave me three pairs of jeans. When I finally put on a pair last week, I realized that they were woman’s jeans.

Now that she is preparing to move to an apartment, she is going through her stuff to decide what to take, what to discard and what to give away. As a result, she gave me two Coach handbags, two Jessica Simpson handbags, a Victoria Secret makeup bag and a black pleated mini skirt.

Maybe now would be a good time to ask her to show me how to apply liquid eyeliner. She is very good at it; me, not so much.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Professional femulator Vicki St. James recounts "My First Time: Getting Caught in a Dress."

Dining Out

Recently, I have been receiving invitations from various financial investment businesses offering me a free dinner if I was willing to sit through their sales pitch on how to handle my retirement savings. I thought about taking up an offer and attending as Stana, but I did not because I was not impressed with the restaurants being offered.

The last invitation I received a few weeks ago was different — I was impressed with the restaurant. It is a dining establishment where I have eaten in the past and was always very pleased with the food. So I RSVP'd and will be going to dinner Wednesday evening.

It should be an interesting experience dining and socializing with a room full of strangers. I will let you know how it goes.

I fell in love with this outfit when I saw it in the daily email advertisement from New York and Company. So much so that I ordered the leggings, cardigan and blouse.

The result of Image-Googling "beautiful crossdresser" is this girl from Chile.

Someday Funnies

Wearing Veronica Beard (Source: Veronica Beard)

Lewis Bailey and his mother, Natalie

Coincidentally

My daughter has been anxious to leave the nest for awhile now, but has been unsuccessful finding a nest to purchase. So she has decided to rent and found a studio loft apartment in a converted factory in Hartford.

We visited the apartment on Monday, fell in love with the place and she will be moving in soon.

Coincidentally, the old factory also houses the offices of an LGBT organization on my list for potential volunteering.

Originally, the organization was low on my list because I was a little leery about the neighborhood and I was not enamored about the commute to and from Hartford.

I researched the neighborhood and it turns out it is rated one of the safer neighborhoods in Hartford. And the commute is not too bad... 25 minutes door-to-door. Since I will be a volunteer, I can probably choose my hours and avoid the morning and evening rush hours, so that makes the commute even easier.

As a result, the organization is now at the top of my list.

Wearing a Prada bag and a Tahari suit (Source: Rue La La).

Freddie Mercury femulating in a music video for The Great Pretender.