I am my own girlfriend

This Throwback Thursday post was written over eight years ago. Revisiting it, I was surprised that what I believed is truer than ever applies today. 

I love females. Always did, always will.

When I reached dating age, I dreamed about dating the vast number of females who I found attractive. But I was very shy with the opposite sex and not at all skilled at chatting up females in order to get a date.

My attempts usually resulted in rejection. As I accumulated rejections, I became gun-shy and more reluctant to try again. As a result, I did not date very often.

On those rare occasions that I did date, it was usually of the blind variety. And there were seldom any second dates because (1) I did not find my blind date attractive or (2) if I did find my blind date to be attractive, my shyness kicked in and turned off my blind date. I was a sad sack on the dating scene.

Lacking a female companion, did I become my own girlfriend?

I studied the art of female emulation (femulation) and after years of practice, I managed to femulate myself into a female, who could look attractive under the right lighting conditions and/or from the correct viewing angle.

As I femulated more and more, dating a female became less important, but I continued to make my feeble attempts in the dating scene and accepted blind dates whenever the opportunity arose. One blind date was "love at first sight" and we dated for over two years, married, and had a child.

While I dated my future spouse, I stopped being my own girlfriend, that is, I stopped femulating all together and did not take up the cause again until we were invited to a Halloween party a month after our wedding day.

After nearly three years of not femulating, I was out of practice and having purged all my female paraphenalia before marriage, I had to borrow clothes for that Halloween outing. As a result, my femulation was just so-so in my humble opinion. Nevertheless, my skills were still good enough to fool some of the people some of the time and a female at the party asked me point blank if I was male, because she was not sure.

That outing caused me to recall how I had enjoyed femulating in the past, so I began anew, first in secret, than slowly out into the public after my spouse put two and two together and asked me if I liked to crossdress on days that weren't October 31.

I came clean about my "hobby" and she was very supportive and encouraged me to join a support group, which moved my femulation out of the closet of my home into the closet of my support group's meeting hall where I learned how to take my femulation out into public places.

Did I become my own girlfriend again?

I believe that when I was dateless and desperately seeking female companionship, I truly was my own girlfriend. But now I believe that the female I emulate is really me.

When I became my own girlfriend in the past, I was really becoming me, but did not realize it at the time. Now I realize that when I femulate I am presenting myself to society in the way I feel that best expresses me.

Wearing Veronica Beard (Source: Veronica Beard)

Michelle femulating at work on Halloween

(Send me your Halloween costume photo and see it in the Femulator spot like Michelle's photo today.)

Costuming

The first time I bought womenswear, I used the excuse that I was buying items for a Halloween costume. The excuse seemed to work, so I used it for years to expand milady's wardrobe.

In retrospect, I don't think I was fooling anyone. How many guys bother buying a bra and girdle to wear under a girly Halloween costume? Or buy an expensive wig for one night?

There was only one wig shop in my neck of the woods and I went back there three Halloweens in a row to buy expensive wigs for my "costumes." (What did I do — throw the wigs away every November 1?) It was a one-woman shop, so every year the same woman sold me my wig. I don't think I was fooling her much after my second purchase, but she never let on.

By the way, buying a girly costume off the rack is a hit or miss proposition. I found most costumes run small. Whereas XL womenswear always fits me, XL women's costumes usually don't come close. Only once did I have luck size-wise buying a woman's costume off the rack — a French Maid costume I bought at K-Mart in the early 1990's.

And so it goes.

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Nancy Ng femulates a lady pirate for Halloween.

(Send me your Halloween costume photo and see it in the Femulator spot like Nancy's photo today.)

Cleaving

Recently, I received the following request: While looking at your pictures, I noticed cleavage. Could you do a post on how to achieve it? I've tried but it never works for me. Thank you so much.

Up front (pun intended), I want to be clear that your mileage may vary because breast-wise I am naturally well-endowed for a male. I won't go into the reasons why I have feminine breasts because I don't know for sure myself, but I assure you that my girls fill a B-cup (and as a trans-girl, I could not be happier about those circumstances).

In the past, I used surgical tape to tape my breasts together and added makeup to create cleavage. It was very effective, but removing the tape was very painful and usually resulted in skin abrasions and minor bleeding that took days or weeks to heal.

I now use a painless method to create cleavage, which is just as effective. The key to my painless method is my bra, a Victoria's Secret Bombshell push-up bra. Victoria claims it adds two cup sizes and it is heavily padded to accomplish that feat.

The bra alone does not provide me with cleavage. I add breast forms to the mix, as follows:

I insert a breast form into a bra cup with one hand, lift my breast with the other hand and place the form under my uplifted breast. The uplifted breasts create the cleavage and the heavy padding of the Bombshell bra holds everything in place just like the surgical tape had done so in the past.

I have gone whole evenings without my breasts moving out of place, but if there ever is any slippage, I can quickly lift my breast(s) back in place when I have a private moment (like in a stall of the ladies' room).

After my breasts are in place, I add makeup, applying two shades of bronzer or powder. A dark shade adds depth to the shadows of the cleavage and a light shade enhances the front of the breasts to make them look more outstanding.

I apply the darker shade in the space between my breasts and sweep the powder upward and outward, creating a V-shape along the natural curve of the breasts, then I blend the powder until it looks like a shadow and not a strip of powder.

A little goes a long way, so don’t overdue it. You can always add more dark powder if needed; removing it is more difficult.

I apply the lighter shade to the front of my breasts and blend it back towards, but not all the way to the dark shade.

By the way, I made my own breast forms using a female impersonator's recipe: birdseed in a sock. (I actually used dried green peas instead of birdseed.)

1.  Use birdseed/dried green peas to fill a thin sock (not a thick heavy sock) to the cup size you desire.

2.  Tie off the sock as close as possible to the ball of birdseed/dried green peas.

3.  Trim off any access sock and fold the remainder over the knot. Under a bra, the knot does a good job of emulating a nipple.

By the way, I made my breast forms about 35 years ago and they are still good to go today.

If you have any questions, I will gladly try to answer them. In the meantime, practice, practice practice and your fine work will proceed you.

Need advice concerning femulating or other crossdressing-related matters, then e-mail me and I will happily give you my opinion on the matter. My e-mail address is stana-stana at sbcglobal.net.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Rachel femulated Caitlyn Jenner for Halloween in 2015.

(Send me your Halloween costume photo and see it in the Femulator spot like Rachel's photo today.)

When it rains...

Saturday, I will get glammed up to attend One Big Event, the Hartford Gay & Lesbian Health Collective's annual fundraiser, which includes a cocktail hour, dinner and dancing to a live band. It is a dress-up affair; men in suits and women in party dresses.

Instead of having nothing to wear, I have two new dresses to wear and I cannot make up my mind!

Both are scuba midi sheaths that I purchased from Dress Barn.

I already mentioned one in an earlier post. Oddly, that dress, a wine "sexy slit foil midi," has yet to appear on the Dress Barn website, but I did find it on the ECI New York website.

The other dress, a teal "brushstroke scuba midi," is on the Dress Barn website and both dresses appear in the Femulatee spot below.

The wine dress may be more special occasion than the teal dress, so I am leaning towards wearing the wine, but I won't make up my mind until I compare the two side by side. I had to order the teal dress online because they did not have my size in the local Dress Barn. Ultimately, I may have no choice because I may not even have the teal dress in time for the event.

Wearing Dress Barn (Source: Dress Barn and ECI New York)

Barbra Anne Taylor femulates a nurse for Halloween.

(Send me your Halloween costume photo and see it in the Femulator spot like Barbra's photo today.)

SaveSave

No Costume!

Wearing Moschino (Source: Hautelook)

Andee is bewitching this Halloween.

(Send me your Halloween costume photo and see it in the Femulator spot like Andee's photo today.)

Correcting History

I was reading the biography of a trans activist and was surprised by the statement that in 1992, she "lobbied America Online to change its policies and allow discussions on gender issues on their service. This led to the creation of the first public forum on a major online service, the Transgender Community Forum, one year later" (1993).

I majored in history and I am old enough that I was alive and kicking when some histories were made. And it bothers me when someone tries to rewrite history (like the so-called "historians" who tried to write transwomen out of the Stonewall uprising).

In this case, America Online's transgender forum was not the first public forum on a major online service... not by a long shot.

Anyone remember a transgender forum called Genderline on a major online service called Compuserve?

I recall joining Genderline in the mid-1980's. After doing some research, I found that Genderline goes back to at least 1986 when Jennifer Wells was its section leader. According to my math, that predates America Online's transgender forum by seven years!

And so it goes.

Wearing Veronica Beard (Source: Veronica Beard)

Kaitlynn femulates Black Widow for Halloween

(Send me your Halloween costume photo and I will feature it in the Femulator spot, just as I did today with Kaitlynn's costume photo.)

Halloween Plans

My Halloween costume the last five years has been some variation of businesswoman drag, that is, I would wear an outfit that was appropriate womenswear for an office setting. I chose that costume because I went to work dressed as a woman the last five Halloweens.

Now that I am retired, I no longer have an office to go to. But I plan to do businesswoman drag again this year and spend the day out among the civilians as a woman.

I plan to visit places where I usually do business as a guy, for example, my bank, my hairdresser, my gas station. I also plan to go shopping at a mall or two.

Doing businesswoman drag on Halloween is a safe way to go out among the civilians en femme. I may pass some of the time, but when I don't pass, I don't have to worry about a negative reaction because it is Halloween and I am just wearing a costume.

Some transwomen eschew going out en femme on Halloween for one reason or another. Each to her own. I have had a blast every year I have done it and I am counting on having a good time again this year.

By the way, send me your Halloween costume photo and I will feature it in the Femulator spot below, just as I did today with Marie Anne's costume photo.

Marie Anne femulates Wonder Woman on Halloween

No Fantasia Fair for Me

On Sunday, a sister blogger wrote, "While I’m packing for Fantasia Fair this week some random thoughts…"

It takes me at least a week to pack for Fantasia Fair, so I took her comment to mean that she will be packing this week for Fantasia Fair, which is next week.

Monday morning, I woke up and smelled the coffee. I looked at the calendar and realized that she actually meant that Fantasia Fair is this week!

A couple of things threw me off.

She posted on Sunday that she was packing, but on Sunday she should be in her car on her way to Provincetown (or already there) and not home packing. 

The other thing that threw me off is that being semi-retired, I am not as calendar aware as I was when I was working. (What day is it?)

Anyway, Fantasia Fair is this week and I will not be attending. I will miss the sights and sounds of Provincetown and I will miss my friends who will be attending.

I thought about driving to Provincetown (it's a four-hour trip), spend a day or two during the Fair to meet up with my friends and take in the events that are open to the public. But that takes a little planning and obviously, since I did not even remember that the Fair was this week, I did not plan ahead.

In the past, I had a wonderful time at Fantasia Fair and I am sure I would have a good time if I attended again.

Maybe next year!

(If you would like to find out more about Fantasia Fair, I recommend my book Fantasia Fair Diaries.)

Wearing Ralph Lauren

A young male femulates Sailor Moon Jupiter.

You Never Know!

National Coming Out Day came and went last Wednesday. I did not do any coming out and I was not on the receiving end of any coming outs. Then surprise! On Sunday I received an email from a friend who announced that she is a transwoman.

She is a ham radio friend. I met her about six years ago at the Dayton Hamvention and since then, we have exchanged emails on ham radio topics and I see her every year at Hamvention. She has never met my male secret identity and only knows me as Stana, but she knows I am trans and has always been supportive.

I would have never guessed that she was trans. She had a strong male personality — not macho, but decidedly masculine — a man's man. There was not a hint of femininity in her speech, dress or mannerisms.

I was very surprised and I was very happy for her. I congratulated her on coming out and added that we will have a lot to talk about next time we meet up.

You never know!

Wearing Tory Burch (Source: Tory Burch)

Circa 1963, a femulator touches up her makeup. This Pinterest find looks like Casa Susanna, but I cannot confirm that as a fact. 

The Girdle Letters

Recently, Bobbie and I exchanged emails about girdles. Bobbie is very knowledgeable about foundation garments and offered some excellent advice on the subject. What follows are her thoughts on the matter.

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Over the past 40+ years, I've worn many different brands and styles of girdles from panty briefs to my favorite, the high-waisted long-leg panty girdle and longline bra ensemble. They fit me well and provide the degree of figure control I like and need.

And as a side bar,  Custom Made from New Jersey used to make a great line of girdles. I really came to appreciate the style 299, a high-waisted long-leg panty girdle and the 5780, style high-waisted long-leg panty girdle. Both were excellent for my figure issues.

The 5780 was made from "tweave" material — very lightweight but VERY controlling but wonderfully comfortable, so much so it could be worn all day and evening. Both styles had six detachable garters, a split crotch and hook and eye zipper closure. They were expensive, $60+ dollars each and only came in white. I mourn their passing into history. They were nothing like today's offerings. In fact, the style 5780 was my first experience trying on a girdle and OH WHAT A FEELING. I was hooked.

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After much experimental trial and trial and errors over the years, I can offer thr following. These are my choices by brand and style. 

Rago style 6210 — I wear this style for special occasions — LBD parties and girls' nights out. I wear size 2X based on my hip measurements. The waist is a little tight, but not too uncomfortable. This style is VERY good at controlling my flabby lower tummy due to a well-structured front panel. It also has a down stretch bum panel that shapes my saggy tush comfortably and prevents pull down especially when sitting. The high waist helps to anchor my longline bra. It has an open crotch feature for easy trips to the ladies' room. Be advised that it has a zipper to help make dressing easier, but the zipper can be annoying and sometimes pinches — not a deal breaker, but it's a personal thing — it takes a little getting use to. It has garters for stockings. This girdle can be worn all day and evening in relative comfort. It should be sized on hip measurements not waist size, otherwise it will be too loose or not as effective as one expects or desires.   

Miraclesuit — Various styles, especially the high-waisted long-leg panty girdle with a long torso. It is also available in a high-waisted panty brief — great when worn with a shorter skirt, skorts or shorts. Miraclesuit shapewear is, in a word, WONDERFUL!!  It has a reinforced front tummy panel, silicon leg bands to help with your stockings or pantyhose. It also has a special "back magic" rear panel that absolutely prevents rolling down. It also anchors my longline bra to really smooth my muffin top smoothly and comfortably. This girdle can be worn all day and evening — it's really effective at least for me. However it has a closed crotch making trips to the ladies' room a little more difficult, but not impossible. The sizing is true; I wear a size 2XL. This style is initially tight, but soon all you feel is firm and smooth and sleek. Again, I wear a longline bra for a total presentation. My only problem is when i get undressed, I feel really soft and flabby especially when being dressed for long periods of time.

I also like Elila style 8205 long-leg high-waisted panty girdle and corresponding style 8303 high-waisted brief. This style is VERY supportive and really looks sexy. It has bum lift bands which fixes my saggy tush comfortably. The matching bra helps with my presentation, but I usually wear forms to help fill out the cups. Very easy to wear all day and evening. It has a closed crotch making trips to the ladies' room a little more difficult, but not impossible. I wear over pantyhose. 

Consider the old Subtract high-waisted long-leg panty girdle and the corresponding high-waisted brief. These styles are available on the Internet on eBay. The remakes are by Cortland Foundations.   They have a triple tummy panel with double hip and bum panels and the long-leg style has a split crotch for easy trips to the ladies' room and six garter tabs and can be worn over pantyhose. Be advised these girdles are VERY tight and take a little time to get used to the degree of control offered. The sizing is based on waist measurements, but if you size based on hips, the waist will be a little tight at first, but both you and it will adjust to one another. 

I usually wear opaque or semi-opaque stockings or pantyhose under my girdle, but sometimes I wear thigh-high support stockings, 10mm compression, to hide a few scars on my legs. I use a body adhesive to help keep the band top stockings in place. The body adhesive also keeps my high-waisted long-leg panty girdles from rolling down or slipping.  

On a personal note, I almost always wear panties under my shapewear.  I really like Bali SkimpScamp full-coverage briefs, size 9 or 10. In addition, I also use Always Infinity size 5X pads in my panties to help contain any drips or seepage and to provide some additional coverage for Pete and the boys. These pads are so thin and flexible and absorbent you'll forget they are there. It just helps keep your underwear fresh and clean .

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Some additional information for future reference and possible consideration:

I really like the Elila 5415 front hook style. It's VERY good at fixing my muffin top problem. The bottom band anchors the bra and I usually wear my high-waisted long-leg panty girdle under the bra if the girdle has an open crotch. If not, I wear the bra over the girdle's waist band.  The bra has inner cup support bands for great support and uplift. This bra can be worn all day in complete comfort.   

 

The Elila 5001 longline is another super bra —very supportive and great looking. It's a back hook style and can be put on and spun around (that is how I put on my bras) and when you slip your arms in the straps, you'll be glad you tried this style. 

 

The Cortland longline is very nice, very effective and very comfortable. Depending on size, the cups MAY be a little big, but enhancers can be worn to help fill in the cups. This is a good everyday bra and is reasonably priced. The Cortland 7808 longline bra is a remake of the Goddess 1304 which I thought was wonderful — great support and separation and it really took care of my muffin top.  

The Goddess 1304 can be found on the Internet as new old stock in limited sizes. You could not go wrong with this longline.

As far as a great high-waisted long-leg panty girdles, consider the Playtex 18-hour style available in long-leg and brief style. They are long since out of production, but can be found on the Internet as new old stock. The newer ones are best as they have a double tummy panel with a "floater" panel for extra tummy control and  tricot linings for the inner legs. This girdle can be worn for 18 hours. It is very firm and a little effort is needed to put it on, but oh so comfortable. If you have never tried this girdle before, once you have, you'll wonder why you have not condidered it before — it's really great.   It comes with garter tabs and clips for stockings and can be worn with pantyhose.

Wearing Tory Burch (Source: Tory Burch)

Eric Plant, British professional femulator, circa 1948

Sunday Shorts and Longs

Friday, I made the rounds around town – bank, gas station, Rite Aid.

Nothing unusual at the bank – still no free samples.

Filled her up at the gas station and after I paid up, the cashier and I gossiped. I used to see her once a week and now see her once a month since I retired and don't commute to work everyday.

As I began exiting the premises, she said that with Halloween fast approaching, she had thought of me buying gas on my way to work en femme last Halloween. She added that it would be hard to top last year's costume.

I replied, "I'll try!"

Picked up some vitamins and Nail at Rite Aid and as I was cashing out, I overheard a woman say that she was on her way to the book sale. I guessed that the town library was having a book sale, so I drove by the library on my way home and sure enough, the parking lot was filling up. So I parked my car and headed in. As luck would have it, the sale started at 10 AM and it was exactly 10:05, so the selection of sale items had not been picked over yet.

Most of the books were brand new or very highly read and at $1 per softcover, $2 per hardcover, how could you go wrong. I picked up three books. A ham radio book, a coffee table book about Warner Brothers' cartoons and a book about circus sideshows, titled American Sideshow by Marc Hartman.

I bought the sideshow book because I thought there might be some mention of female impersonators. Perusing the book last night, I did not find anything specifically about female impersonators, but there were some mentions of hermaphrodites, half men-half women, which were popular sideshow attractions in the first half the 20th century. It seems that most of the half men-half women were actually female impersonators or should I say, half-female impersonators, and not true hermaphrodites. Who knew!

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You may have noticed the Vote for Me! image in the upper right hand corner of this blog. Click on it and it takes you to a Danish dating site where you can vote for your favorite transgender blog. The votes will be compiled to determine the Gender Blogs Award for 2017. A cash award goes to the top vote getters, so please vote for you know who.

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Dhruv, a trans ally, has partnered with Trans Lifeline to create a public art project for Trans Awareness Week. Dhruv writes, " We need your help getting the word out to make this project a reality."

So check out www.SeeTheT.org

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Bill emailed me this great tip for painting fake nails.

"I make two loops of one inch wide masking tape, sticky side out... each wide enough to hold five finger nails. Stick the loops to a table or piece of paper. Carefully place new fingernails on the sticky masking tape.

"You can easily give each nail several coats of polish. When dry, just remove nails from masking tape and put in container until ready to wear."

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Also, a number of readers recommended imPRESS press-on fake nails over the Kiss stick-on fake nails (both brands are made by the same company). I actually purchased a set of imPRESS nails some time ago, but never used them because I had buyer's remorse and did not like the color of the nails that I bought. So I will have to revisit the imPRESS selection and try a different color.

Wearing Wolf & Badger (Source: Wolf & Badger)

Emma Ross Unknown femulator found on Pinterest: Isn't she lovely?