Why I am the way I am... maybe

After reading Nadine's recent post "Of Course I Want Boobs," I got to thinking about my own boobs and recalled what I wrote eight years ago. 

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me.

Back then, physicians prescribed Diethylstilbestrol (DES) to prevent miscarriages in women who had had previous miscarriages.

Did my mother take DES? She is deceased, so I will never know. But, if she did take DES, then that may explain why I am the way I am.

DES can cause feminization of the male fetus and some studies suggest that otherwise-male children exposed to DES before birth may be more likely to be transsexual women than male children who have not been exposed.

Although I will never know if my mother took DES, there are other indications that she did. For example, I have Gynecomastia and although the causes of Gynecomastia remain uncertain, it has generally been attributed to an imbalance of sex hormones, that is, too much estrogen.

In addition to Gynecomastia, I am more womanly than the average guy in other ways. For example, my mannerisms and speech patterns have feminine traits and my emotions are more feminine than masculine.

A few years ago, I was doing outreach with three transsexuals at a local college and a student asked how the transsexuals' hormone regimen affected them. All three transsexuals admitted that they became more emotional after they began their hormone regimen, for example, one stated that she never cried at movies before taking hormones, but after taking hormones, she cried at movies all the time. I spoke up that I never took hormones and that I cry at movies all the time!

An overabundance of female hormones may be the cause of my proclivity for the feminine. And my parents may have nurtured that proclivity.

Dad was absent in my early life working two jobs to support his wife and kids. Mom cherished her firstborn child (me), coddled and pampered me and instilled in me many traits that were considered "feminine." With Dad absent early-on, Mom was all I had to model myself after and that I did, which just compounded my feminization.

I had two strikes against me (too many female hormones and too little male role modeling) and when my third opportunity to swing came, I just stood there with the bat on my shoulder and was called out (of the male gender) on a called third strike.

I did not bother swinging because I liked myself. I was very satisfied with the results of the first two strikes. I liked the way things were turning out. I did not mind being a girly boy.

Except for some abuse from the bullies and rejection by their female followers, being a girly boy was a pretty good deal. I could partake in whatever boy or girl pursuits interested me and not have to worry about tarnishing my image.

And when I took up the male pursuit of female impersonation, I found that I excelled at it because I already spoke and acted like a lady, I took to the art of cosmetics like a swan takes to water, and I could fill a size 38B bra without any padding.

And so it goes.

Wearing BooHoo (Source: BooHoo)

Willi Besle, professional femulator in early 20th Century Germany

Sizes: Good News and Bad News

The Bad

On Friday, I mentioned buying a new Rago bra and girdle. The garments arrived Friday afternoon and I tried them on to see how they fit. I ordered the bra and girdle sizes that I usually wear, so I was very disappointed that both items were too small.

I put the girdle on OK and it hugged me like a glove, but it was not long enough. Although it is billed as "high waisted," it barely reached my waistline and was obviously not designed for women who are 5 feet 14 inches tall. I returned it for a refund.

The bra was very tight. The cups were a perfect fit for my breasts, but the band was too small by about an inch and a half, so I sent it back and ordered the next larger band size. If you purchase this bra, I advise you to order it one band size larger than the size you think you need.

Update: The replacement bra (one band size larger) arrived today and it fits perfectly.

The Good

I joined JustFab about four years ago. On the first day of each month, they email me suggestions of new footwear that match my style requirements.

They have a nice selection of shoes and boots at reasonable prices (about $40 a pair), but size 11 was the largest size they offered. Sometimes 11 fits me, so early on, I ordered some heels from JustFab, but I had to return them because they were too small.

Even though I stopped buying footwear from JustFab, they kept emailing me new suggestions every month and every month, I rejected their suggestions. (If I don't reject them, they bill me after the 5th of the month whether I choose something or not.)

Retro-girl that I am, I have had a hankering for a pair of white booties. So when the monthly JustFab email arrived on Sunday, I decided to explore their offerings just for the heck of it and lo and behold, they had a pair of white booties to die for... if they only offered them in my size!

And then I noticed that they had the boots in size 12! I checked other boots and shoes that they offered and discovered that most of them also had a size 12 option.

I had no idea that JustFab started selling size 12's! When did that happen?

Needless to say, I ordered the booties and they are on their way.

Wearing JustFab (Source: JustFab)

Mart Müürisepp femulates Nancy Sinatra on Estonian television's Your Face Sounds Familiar.

Girls & Boys

Girls & Boys is a short 2015 Swedish film that depicts high school life in a matriarchy, "a world where girls are hunters and boys are the catch."

I had never heard of this film and only discovered it while Googling something else on a rainy day this past weekend.

When I viewed the trailer for the film on YouTube, I was floored. See for yourself.

Yes, the boys are the ones in long hair, makeup and high heels, while the girls are in trousers and short hair.

The film's "teaser" on YouTube made me want to see more.



I searched for more and found the film's Facebook page and one short clip from the film, but nowhere can I view or purchase the film. If anyone has a lead on where to buy or see the film, I would appreciate it.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Poster for the film Girls & Boys (that's girl, girl, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy and boy in the photo)

Femulating at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

By Starla, Femulate Contributing Editor

(Artist conception)

Trump Son-in-law Registered to Vote as a Woman

This odd little news item has been all but abandoned by the press after it first hit the wires. (It's almost like they're not sure what to make of it.)

There is so much odd and unexplained about this revelation. Was this a purposeful act? Or a typo that never got fixed? (Or was it a Freudian slip? –Stana) I mean, I don't know why a male would register as a female on purpose unless they were transitioning or leading a de factro female life. And one would think that an obvious male voting with a female-coded registration would raise a few eyebrows, no?

In fact, speaking of eyebrows... is it just me or have others noticed that Kushner's brows are rather thin, well-shaped and groomed for a man? And what about his slight build and very smooth complexion? And that's a rather feminine gesture he's making in the photo accompanying the link.

Might or might not add up to something. I'm just sayin'...

Actually, before this story even hit the press, I had mentally checked off Kushner as one of those men who looked like he would make a very attractive female. Wouldn't shock me if he were a crossdresser.

I concur. The first time I saw him many months ago, my trans radar sounded off. Shaped, thinned and trimmed eyebrows are often a sign that a femulator is in our midst and this gent certainly has girlish brows, not to mention his clear complexion. Researching this matter further on the Internet, I also discovered that Kushner has a feminine "light tenor voice." Lucky! – Stana

Wearing ModCloth (Source: ModCloth)

Femulating on her big day!

Girdling My Loins

My diet has been very successful. Maybe too successful because I now have some loose skin where there used to be firm fat particularly on my thighs.

I am taking non-surgical steps to tighten the loose skin, but in the meantime, I am girdling my loins. I purchased a high-waisted long leg shaper or old school "girdle." It is from Rago and it is just like the girdles my mother used to wear — the girdles I borrowed from my mother when I started down the femulating path.

I also bought a Rago long line bra. I am hoping that with my weight loss and the combination of high-waisted girdle and long line bra, that I can forgo wearing a waist cincher, thus lightening my foundation garment regime.

A nice feature of this Rago girdle is that it has a slit in the crouch crotch that allows you to urinate without removing the girdle. (I have owned girdles that do not have this slit and in those cases, I have opened up the seam and created my own slit.)

Another nice feature is the built-in removable garters and clips, a feature that is often missing in 21st Century girdles and shapers.

The all-male cast of The Golden Girls: The Lost Episodes

Kids

In yesterday's post, I pondered how women react to our femulations. In general, spouses react negatively, while non-spouses react positively, but your mileage may vary.

What about the kids?

When my wife was pregnant, I worried about having a son. How would my son react to my crossdressing? Would it be better off if I hid my femulations from my son?

Then again, I am not the most masculine guy. In fact, I am so feminine that throughout my life, I was considered gay. What effect would a feminine male role model have on my son?

Thank, Goddess, we had a daughter. She turned out to be my greatest ally and once she even confided in me that if I decided to go all the way and have HRT and SRS, she would have my back.

Over the years, I have found that the daughters usually support their transgender Dads. I do know from second hand experience that is not always the case, but in more cases than not, I have seen daughters lovingly help their fathers transition into the women they really are.

What about kids who aren't your kids?

Twenty-five years ago, kids who aren't your kids would consider us freaks. They might laugh and insult us in public.

Today's kids are much more familiar with transgender folks. They see transgenders in the media every day and they may have friends or acquaintances who are questioning their gender, so being transgender is not a big deal.

In the past, I had to be careful femulating when my daughter had friends visiting her. I either had to sneak around the house or worse, use the cheap motel option. But even that has changed. My daughter's last boyfriend saw me crossdressed a couple of times and did not give a damn.

And so it goes.

Wearing Traffic People (Source: Simply Be!)

Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle femulating in the 1917 film Coney Island.

Our Female Admirers

I understand why a spouse or significant other (SO) would not embrace crossdressing by their partner. Among other things, a spouse or SO may feel that her man is less of a man if he crossdresses.

On the other hand, I don't understand why other women are often very enthusiastic when they encounter a crossdresser who is not their spouse or SO (not that there is anything wrong with that).

I frequently encounter other women who gush over my emulation. My female managers and co-workers loved it when I crossdressed for work. Believe me, I love any female's appreciation for what I am doing, but I am at a loss as to the reason for their appreciation.

Maybe some of the women who gush over femulators get some satisfaction from the fact that a member of the so-called "dominant sex" is trying to emulate a member of the so-called "weaker sex." ("Welcome to our club.")

Maybe some women admire femulators for being true to themselves.

I dunno. It's just another conundrum in a bucket full of conundrums that crossdressers and femulators encounter.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Professional femulator Harvey Lee

Huh?

The firestorm here last week spread to other blogs.

In reference to what I wrote, a reader made the following comment on another blog, "To suggest that ridicule and violence are okay because someone isn't good enough at their makeup skills, or didn't put enough effort into their outfit is ridiculous. More than that, it is dangerous. It hands the close-minded bigots a trans-approved excuse to be as mean and as cruel as they like."

Huh?

Go back and read what I wrote (not what the commenting trolls wrote) and it is clear that I never suggested that ridicule and violence are okay for any reason.

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Bojan Jambrošić femulates on Your Face Sounds Familiar on Croatian television.

Don't stand out as a fake

By Beth Elegirl

As always, I admire you for your leadership and vision that you bring to transgenderism. I also admire when you take a stand on something controversial. I simply wish to try to organize my thoughts on this very interesting topic. Here goes.

As you know, I am an architect. Many of my clients want to do projects that fit in with the traditional building styles of our region. Greek Revival has been a popular style over the centuries. And when my clients want to do Greek Revival, I always say that we are either going to do it all the way, or not at all. That is to say, if I design a Greek Revival house, all of the details, the eaves, the corners, the cornice, the trim... all of that is done exactly the way it would have been built 130 years ago.

I always advise my clients that if you just sort of do Greek Revival, then it stands out like a fake. It looks stupid. Some of the trim pieces are not in the correct proportion and the discrepancy is clear as a bell.

What I hear you saying is that if you are going to look like a traditional woman, then you better pay attention to all of the details so that you are as authentically and traditionally woman as you can possibly be. I understand that and I agree.

If you only get two-thirds of the way there, just like the Greek Revival knock-off, you will look silly. And you will look silly because you are going for traditional woman and you did not get even close.  It looks like you don't know what you are doing. And it is kind of funny.

In my perfect world, all of the items that are typically gender markers, which include clothes, what you put on your face, shoes, hair, nail polish, etc. will be able to be worn by anybody in any mixture. In this guise, people are simply wearing what feels comfortable and right to them. I'm experimenting with this now and it feels wonderful.

Recently my wife and I went to dinner and I wore an androgynous (Eileen Fisher) tunic-length blouse, bra (no padding), women's pleated knee-length flowing shorts, painted fingernails, no makeup, my hair with a bit of holding gel with a mildly feminine look and I don't think I have ever had a more enjoyable dinner in a restaurant. I don't think I even got so much as a sidelong glance either in the restaurant or walking in the streets. I would dress like that every day if I could.

I am in awe of the dedication, effort, time and money that you have expended to to bring together Stana, Traditional Woman.

All the best.

Beth

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Femulating British spy Lt. Col. Dudley Clarke (Source: Crystal Stephens)

Saturday Night Lives

By request, I am rerunning this story that I wrote and posted here over a year ago. I hope you enjoy it. Have a nice weekend!

Third Saturday of the month, we dine with our friends, Bill and Rosemary Lucas. We take turns, one month at their house and one month at our house.

Last month at our house, Rosemary and my wife Karen discussed how men can be self-involved. As an example, Rosemary went on and on about how Bill spent a lot of time and money on photography.

Not to be outdone, Karen mentioned how I spent a lot of time and money on crossdressing.

I turned beet red with embarrassment. My crossdressing was a family secret. I was incredulous that Karen would let the cat out of the bag, but in the heat of the moment, she wanted to up Rosemary's complaints about Bill.

"Who would have thought that about Stanley," commented Rosemary.

"I'm shocked," said Bill.

"Yes, 'Stan the Man' likes to become 'Pearl the Girl' about once a week," added Karen.

"I'd like to meet her," Bill said with a Cheshire Cat grin.

With a twinkle in her eye, Rosemary suggested, "Maybe Pearl can dine with us next month."

"I think that can be arranged," Karen replied.

"I can't wait!" Rosemary exclaimed. I did not say a word and the subject was dropped for other topics that I cannot recall because my head was spinning about what just happened.

On the way home, Karen apologized for telling Bill and Rosemary about Pearl.

"I accept your apology, but why did you go along with Rosie's idea about Pearl showing up for dinner next month?"

"At first, I thought it would be too embarrassing for you, but Rosie and Bill were so enthusiastic that I thought, why not. Pearl is a beautiful woman and she deserves to go out and be seen."

"I'll think about it," was where I left it.

The month passed and I thought it was a dead issue.

Over breakfast on the morning of our next dinner with the Bill and Rosemary, Karen asked, "What is Pearl wearing tonight?"

I didn't see that coming.

"Stan was planning to go to dinner without Pearl tonight," I replied.

"Rosie and Bill were expecting to see Pearl. In fact, I was expecting to see Pearl, too."

"But..."

"You are going to disappoint everyone. Why don't you stop being so self-centered and think about others for a change."

Karen was angry... very angry. I felt guilty and started reconsidering. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Bill and Rosie already know and it might be fun to get out of the house en femme, as the "girls" say.

I finally relented, "I guess Pearl can make an appearance tonight."

Karen's anger turned to elation, "Great! I'm so happy that she changed her mind."

I completed my Saturday chores by mid-afternoon and began transforming myself into Pearl.

I disrobed and applied hair removal cream on my legs, arms, breasts and as far as I could reach on my back. While waiting for the cream to do its job, I applied a shaving gel to my face, neck and armpits, put a fresh blade in my razor and got in the shower.

As the water washed the depilated hair from my body, I shaved. Then I cleansed my whole body, rinsed and stepped out of the shower.

After drying myself, I rubbed moisturizer into my soft skin, then I slipped on a pair of black lace panties (the only kind I will wear) and sat at the vanity to do my makeup.

I used some concealer to hide the faint shadow of my beard, then applied foundation and powder. I did my eyes next. The eyeliner makes them stand out and a deft application of mascara and eyeshadow make them look smoky and mysterious. Some blush and muted lipstick followed.

Pearl is a blond and has a variety of hair styles at her disposal, so I had to decide which coiffure she would wear. I selected a short wispy layered cut with flipped ends and dark roots that add authenticity to the wig. I slipped the wig onto my head, straightened it and finger-styled it.

I removed my undies from the bureau and pulled on a high waist panty girdle, while tucking Willy and his friends out of sight. Next came the matching long line bra and silicone breast forms that went into its cups.

Sitting on the bed, I put my pink-polished toes into a pair of suntan control-top sandalfoot pantyhose and worked the sheer nylon up my legs and over my girdle.

I slipped a black sheath dress over my head being careful not to smudge my makeup on the fabric.

Then I asked my spouse, "Karen, would you please zip up my dress?"

"Yes, honey," she answered. She stopped combing her hair to assist with my zipper.

"There you go," she said when she finished zipping me up and closing the clasp just above the zipper.

"Thank-you, sweetheart."

I completed my look with some tasteful jewelry: a silver watch on my slender wrist, silver heart clip-on earrings and my wedding band and engagement ring. Finally, I added a set of stick-on nails to my fingers.

I straightened out my dress and smoothed the hem, which fell about three inches above my knees, then slipped on a pair of 4-inch black patent pumps. A spritz of perfume on my wrists and on the nape of my neck and I stand back to admire the finished product in our full-length mirror. Stan has left the building and Pearl was in his place!

I announced, "I'm ready," using a feminized version of my voice.

"You certainly are, Miss Pearl! I'm almost ready, too. Can you return the favor?"

Karen had just slipped on her green belted sweater dress and was waiting for me to zip her up.

"Sure thing," I said and I zipped up her dress.

"Check me out, honey, to make sure I look okay," she asked.

She spun around with her arms posed akimbo so that I could see any flaws in her ensemble.

"You look perfect," I said, "I am so lucky to be married to a drop dead gorgeous woman." Then I spun around with my arms posed akimbo so that she could see any flaws in my ensemble.

"Perfect... I am lucky to be married to a drop dead gorgeous woman, too," she replied.

We air-kissed each other so as not to smudge our makeup, grabbed our purses and walked to the garage.

Karen drove because I had never driven wearing high heels. It was only a half-mile ride to the Lucas home and when we arrived, Karen parked the car on the street and we walked hand-in-hand to the front door.

Karen rang the bell and we soon heard the clicking of high heels approach the door from the inside. The door was opened by a beautiful woman, who I didn't recognize.

Karen said, "Hi, Bill. You look lovely."

"Thank-you, but Bill's not here. Please call me 'Pamela.' May I assume your beautiful girlfriend is Pearl?"

"You assumed correctly, Pamela."

I was speechless. Pamela nee Bill looked fantastic. He was wearing a white jacquard mini-dress, off white metallic pantyhose, and silver strappy 4-inch sandals. His shoulder-length chestnut hair was up and his makeup was perfect.

"You look fabulous," I gushed.

"You, too, girlfriend. Let's take some photos!"

Wearing JustFab (Source: JustFab)

Chorus boys (center left and right) sort of femulating in the 2017 Emmy Awards television show.

It takes an effort to look effortless

By Paula Gaikowski

I just want to say I agree with Stana’s comments over the last few days.

There seems to be a vain of sanctimonious smugness that runs through our sorority, a political correctness that surrounds passing, sexuality and crossdressers in the transgender community. Let’s remember that together we are sisters supporting each other.

Transgender women just want the human race to know that we are women!

The hair, makeup, clothes, lingerie, voice lessons and of course, shoes are all gestures to the world that we are women.

Just like the cowboy who wears his hat, jeans and boots in the airport, he is saying to the world, "These clothes reflect who I am, a culture that I belong to, a philosophy that I adhere to and a vocation that I perform."

The banker, the rocker and the professor – they all send a message with their clothes.

That is the reason we do this – we want people to know who we are. That deep down, under the five o'clock shadow and receding hairline, we all have to some varying extent the hearts and souls of feminine beings.

That’s why we so often ask about passing, presenting or how do I look? It is the reason why we in the transgender community take more pictures than most tourists. Ever notice that you are the only person at the family reunion that knows exactly how to work the self-timer on the camera! We want acknowledgement, we are sending radio waves out into the Universe and listening, searching, longing to know if we are being heard.

I always dreamed of going out in public as a woman. When I turned 50, middle age crazy took over and I began working on it.

First, I began losing weight. Nothing makes you feel or look better, than being physically fit. I went from a size 26W to a 16 Misses. (How you lose the weight is another issue all together.)

I began buying makeup from a very helpful sales associate at the NARS counter. Every couple of weeks I’d buy another piece of cosmetic and she would tutor me. Kasey was the first person who taught me not to be ashamed of being transgender.

I would practice at home. Even if I wasn’t getting dressed, I would apply my makeup, getting better each time. I’d watch YouTube tutorials when I couldn’t practice.

I saved up and bought a good wig. Wig stores are all transgender friendly! If you don’t believe me call one, be polite and honest, tell them you are a transgender person looking for a wig and would like to come in. I guarantee you are not the first.

Once you have the hair, learn how to style it. Ask you your wig lady for lessons. I have had several classes where she taught me how to style and comb out my wig. After the classes practice, practice, practice.

I found a gender therapist and for the first time in my life spoke openly and face-to-face with someone about this. Speak with any girl and she will tell you this is a big part of self-acceptance. Because of this I was able to shed the guilt and shame I struggled with for years. I was also able to understand where I wanted to go with this. That’s when I set my goal of being able to go out in public as a woman on a regular schedule.

Get a big sister. Connect with another girl online or in person, even if you meet in drab as friends. Having someone like yourself to support each other is important.

Practice your voice with a smart phones recording app. Use your feminine voice every day.  I recite a memorized speech each day during my drive to and from work. After several months, my femme voice started to really sound natural.

Become a student of fashion, find a transgender mentor and study other women. Which one are you? Find your style and not your fantasy.

So much of my presentation has become second nature to me now. I walk out the hotel room door, smile at the maid and stop at the front desk without trepidation or anxiety. This self-assurance is contagious to everyone around you – it validates your appearance to them.

When I visit cosmetic counters in girl mode, I am always open about being transgender. When you get this close to a person they can tell I am transgender  The sale associates seem to love the diversion of having a transgender customer. We always have great conversations and I always ask them about my appearance. Most often, the words I hear are, poised, natural and classic.

They say 90% of presentation is attitude and confidence. This takes effort and work. That confidence and attitude comes from the steps I outlined above. My point is that it takes an effort to look effortless. This effort is all part of being a woman.

Please remember to enjoy the journey, the practice, the friendships, the accomplishments and even the failures.

Wearing Tory Burch (Source: Tory Burch)

Gabe Belyeu femulating on stage in La Cage Aux Folles.

Getting Good Enough

Yesterday's post, Not Good Enough, caused a bit of a firestorm.

Some readers commented that they were very offended by my post, that it stunk of passing privilege and was transphobic. One anonymous commenter even claimed that I was in the closet, which kind of contradicts my stinking of passing privilege.

A common thread running through the comments was that I was lucky to be blessed with good looks that facilitated my ability to femulate and even pass.

Luck had nothing to do with it, but hard work did!

When I started out of the closet, I was big guy – 6 feet 2, big-boned and overweight (I refer you to my before, not so overweight photo). My makeup skills were poor, my wigs were a mess and I had no fashion sense. And I walked around with my head down avoiding eye contact. No surprise that whenever I went out, I got clocked.

After a handful of humiliating outings, I did not complain, I did not whine. Instead, I decided to improve my presentation. There was not much I could do about being tall and big-boned, but I could lose weight. And lose weight, I did. Tipping the scales at 249 back then, I am 203 today and still working on losing weight.

To improve my makeup skills, I bought books and videos and studied them closely. Even better, I had a number of makeovers to see how the pros did my face. And I practiced, practiced and practiced some more.

I stopped buying $39 wigs and invested in hair that looked realistic and did not become a rats' nest after one wearing.

I studied fashion magazines to improve my fashion sense. I also discovered that with the right clothing I could even disguise being tall and big-boned. And I constantly checked out other women to see what worked and what failed, to see what I liked and what I did not like. I also studied how they walked and how they moved.

Surprisingly, my fashion sense "improved" just by losing weight. When I was overweight, I was buying outfits that looked good on someone less weighty. So when I lost the weight, my tastes in fashion now matched my weight.

Getting good enough became an obsession and was always on my mind. After a lot of work, I eventually I got there and these days, I receive comments like "You are a tall woman" rather than "You are a guy."

If I can do it, anyone can do it, but I am not saying everyone has to do it. Trans dress as you like, but be prepared to suffer the slings and arrows of civilian goons who are close-minded and can't help letting everyone know how close-minded they really are.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Peter Sramek femulates on Hungarian television's version of Your Face Sounds Familiar.