Caught in the Act

As a teenager, I dressed in my mother's and sister's clothes whenever I was home alone.

One afternoon, my mother and sister went out and I figured I had an hour or so to dress pretty, so as soon as I saw them leave, I stripped off my boyswear and made a beeline for my mother's dresser. Within minutes, I had on her Playtex bra, Maidenform girdle and was snapping a pair of her nylons onto the girdle's built-in garters.

My sister had a new dress that I was dying to try on, so I headed upstairs to her bedroom, found the dress in her closet and slipped it over my head.

My mother had a pair of high heel pumps that I thought would look darling with the dress, so I went back downstairs to my parent's bedroom, located the heels and slipped them on my nylon stocking feet.

As I was standing in front of the full-length mirror in my parent's bedroom admiring myself in all my girly glory, I heard a car pull into the driveway.

Oh, no!

I assumed it was my mother and sister returning home, so I knew I had a couple of minutes to change and stash the womenswear because my mother had to back the car down our narrow driveway, get out of the car to unlock and open the garage door, carefully drive the car into our narrow garage and then close the garage door.

I ran upstairs to my bedroom, stripped off the womenswear, dressed in boyswear and hung my sister's dress in her closet. There was no time to return my mother's stuff to her dresser, so I stashed them in my bedroom figuring I could return them later.

What a close call!

A few minutes later, my mother asked me to come downstairs. So I went and found her in her bedroom holding up the pair of high heels I had borrowed.

In my panic, I had literally jumped out of her shoes and left them on the floor in front of the full-length mirror.

She asked me why her shoes were out of the closet.

Back then, I was a budding artist and sketched a lot, so I told her I borrowed the shoes so I could sketch a picture of high heel shoes.

She accepted my excuse, but in retrospect, I suspect she had an inkling about what was going on, but did not want to confront me without harder evidence.

I wish she had. It might have been a life-changing moment.

Do you have a story about being caught in the act that you would like to share with Femulate readers? If so, pass it along and I will post it here in the very near future.

Wearing Pamella Roland.

Johnny Mangum, professional femulator

Birthday Girl

I admit it: I am fussy when it comes to receiving gifts.

My family is well aware of that fact. So whenever Jesus' or my birthday approaches, they ask what I would like rather than take a chance and give me something I may not like. (By the way, my family is fussy, too, so I always ask them what they want.)

My birthday is in March, so I expect that my family will be posing the biannual gift question in February.

I'd like to tell them that I have lived the first 65 years of my life as a man (more or less) and would like to live the next 65 years of my life as a woman.

Maybe that is too much to ask. After all they are accustomed to Stan the man and may be unwilling to make the transition to Stana the woman.

In my heart, I know that is a lot to ask. So I am willing to step back and ask them to gift me a compromise: tolerate me presenting as a woman at work and in other professional scenarios and they can have Stan the man the rest of the time.

Making the transition on my birthday seems apropos, so that gives me some time to work it all out.

Miss Todd (1981)

Holly, Jackie, Candy and Blondie

My first blond hairdo

Holly Woodlawn died Sunday. She was the last surviving queen of Andy Warhol's famous crossdressing sidekicks that included Candy Darling and Jackie Curtis.

I found Holly Woodlawn and Jackie Curtis interesting in their day because they were born male, but living their lives as female.

I found Candy Darling interesting for the same reason. She was the blonde bombshell of the trio and reminded me of Jean Harlow. Although I admired Holly and Jackie, I wanted to be Candy.

But as a young woman, I avoided being a blond myself. My hair color was usually red, sometimes brunette, but never blond because I thought that all the boys wanted to be blonds when they crossdressed. It was bad enough that my heels were too high and my skirts too short ― I thought a blond hairdo would push me over the top and there would be no denying that I was a crossdresser.

I finally went over to the light side after hosting a support group meeting at a wig store (Tonkin's in Waterbury). As the hostess, I brought the snacks and played mother hen; I had no intention of buying a new wig.

When Kathy Tonkin was finished bewigging the other girls, she said to me, "Your turn."

I thought, "What the heck" and told Kathy to work her magic on me.

Minutes later, she fitted a short blond wig on my head. When I looked in the mirror, I loved what I saw and I became a blond forevermore.

Wearing Badgley Mischka.

Victoria Elizabeth

Amy and the Doctor

By Amy

Today, our regular contributor, Amy, writes about finding self-improvement in the doctor's office.

With self-improvement foremost in my mind, I have followed the zillions of magazine pieces written on face lifts, nose jobs, eyebrow lifts, neck lifts, etc. I have read everything I can on facial feminization surgery and all that can be accomplished. I perpetually come back to my own base line appearance and count my blessings; no prominent brow bone; no Adam's apple; reasonable cheek bones; very good skin. (Thanks Mom!)

I did conclude that as I was aging some areas of my face were showing signs of drooping as fat and collagen were naturally lessening. I embarked on meeting with several dermatologists which turned out to be the best series of meetings, advice and support I could imagine.

Early on, I started in boy mode. Each doctor I met was a woman specializing in helping women look their best. I was right up front. I wanted to improve my appearance, to be more youthful, and have a soft feminine look.

The first of these doctors didn’t miss a beat and started me on a program called Thermage. You need to look into it, but in short, it is a form of laser passed over your face with the effect of triggering your skin to replenish lost collagen. For my skin type and other variables, the multiple sessions were very successful. An added benefit is that the laser greatly thinned my beard in the most natural way. What remains of my facial hair is thin, light in color, hidden easily under a very light foundation.

Secondly, I started on a prescription of Retin A. I have used it nightly for years. The evenness of color of my skin, the noticeably reduced pore size and near elimination of black heads is amazing. I use it everywhere below the eyes as my skin under my brows won’t tolerate it. I will never quit using this!

My appearance definitely improved and I began seeing all my doctors as Amy. At every office the staff and doctors cheered me on and enthusiastically helped me begin with new products. Dermal fillers were coming of age as was Botox.

I started eliminating frown lines between my eyes and filling little imperfections with these amazing products. They needed to be replenished, but I have found that by staying on schedule, I built a good foundation and moved forward.

Recently Juvaderm came on the scene and it was recommended I enhance my cheeks slightly for a more feminine shape. A more feminine contour was easily achieved and the skin under my eyes tightened and smoothed noticeably. Every place I have used fillers has served to make up volume in my face and slightly tightened the surrounding areas. Years melted away and people notice!

I now see four different doctors for these various tune ups! The method to this madness is that they all assess my needs and see things differently. Their skills are also different. One is especially good at removing the downturned line at the corners of my mouth. Another is particularly good at raising my brows and smoothing my forehead with Botox. So multiple opinions can matter.

Seeing multiple doctors in this way also taught me that I am not the only client pursuing a feminine appearance. Many of their trans clients have done far more invasive procedures; some are just discovering how helpful a dermatologist can be.

I am pleased to say that I have great relationships with these doctors and enjoy a very personable and intimate level of service. I love it when they do their magic and stand back and smile broadly! They enjoy helping me achieve my goals and would certainly do the same for you.

Wearing Brahmin.

Actor Richard O'Brien

It's a Very Nice Dress

As I mentioned here, I bought a dress at Macy’s before doing outreach on Tuesday: a Calvin Klein sleeveless black and white colorblock textured sheath.

I always prefer to shop for womenswear as a woman. Wearing foundation garments, wig, makeup, heels, etc., I can see how the clothing will really fit and look on me, whereas presenting as a male, I have to use my imagination when I try on a dress or skirt or top. AND Sometimes my imagination runs away from me and I end up returning the item because when I tried it on at home en femme, it doesn’t work for one reason or another.

Tuesday, I tried on the dress as a woman. It looked fabulous on me and I bought it.

A few days later, I tried the dress after I got out of the shower. No foundation garments, no wig, no makeup, no nothing except the naked male I pretend to be and the dress still looked fabulous on me! Most womenswear does not work with me when I present as a male, but this dress does!

It’s a very nice dress!

Wearing Alice + Olivia.

Charles Demetri

Looking Good!

Kandi's Favorite Photos (of Kandi!)

I cannot remember a time in my life where I have been so happy.

About a year ago, I finally came to the realization that I am a crossdresser. Once I did that, my life completely changed very much for the better. I lost weight and shed all the hair that covered my body. The biggest hurdle was telling my wife, who only said that she wanted me to be happy. What unconditional love! I have only been going out fully presenting this year and once I started, I've just kept going.

The photos submitted represent two outings I had recently, one of which was my attendance at a Beauty Class at Sephora. Me and about 15 girls (how great is that)! Under no circumstances do I pass when I am out. However, I have learned as long as you are honest about yourself, carry yourself with confidence and smile, people tend to accept you, many really welcome you!

I have made so many new friends since I have ventured out. Embracing my true self has also made me a much better man, a better husband, a better father. I am so much more accepting, open, caring, loving, I have become a person I am very proud of. And all it took was to be honest with myself. I only tell this story for others girls like myself, go out! I know (believe me, it only took me 50 years to gather the courage). It’s scary at first, but as long as you are smart about what you do and where you go and dress appropriately, you will find the world to be quite a remarkable place. Thank you to all the girls out there that have inspired me.

Calling all girls! My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Alexis.

Alyssa and her daughter. Read all about Alyssa here.

Out to Outreach

After shopping on Tuesday, I drove to Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven to do outreach at the Human Sexuality class taught by Professor Anna Schildroth. I have been doing outreach at her class for ten years.

So what's "outreach?"

In my case, it is an attempt to educate and enlighten non-transgender people about what it means to be transgender. In the Human Sexuality class, we accomplish this by giving a brief biography of our transgender lives and then answering questions from the students to clarify and expand upon what the students may already know or upon what we stated in our biographies.

I am not alone doing outreach. Usually, other trans individuals join me. On Tuesday, in addition to me there was a post-op transman and two transwomen, one post-op, the other not.

After we give our biographies in a nutshell, I am paired with the non-op transwoman and do Q&A with half the class, while the post-ops do Q&A with the other half of the class. Half way through the class period, we switch with the post-ops and do Q&A with the other half of the class.

Here are some of the more memorable questions I have answered doing outreach.

Q: Are you married?

A: Yes.

Q: ...to a woman?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you have any children?

A: I have a 30-something daughter, who is very supportive.

Q: Where do you go out when you go out as a woman?

A: The mall, restaurants, museums, shows, etc.

Q: Do you crossdress when you have sex with your wife?

A: Never

Q: Why do you have your nails done only to go out once or twice a month?

A: I wear pre-glued, stick-on nails that take about 5 minutes to apply.

Q: How did you pick your female name? (This is probably the most asked question.)

A: It is a female version of my male name.

Q: What do you do when someone stares at you or reacts negatively to you?

A: I try to disarm them with a smile.

Q: What do you do when you are at a bar and a guy hits on you?

A: I say I am not interested and point to my wedding ring.

Q: Which bathroom do you use?

A: I always use the ladies' room.

Q: Did you have a hard time learning to walk in heels?

A: No, I took to heels like a duck takes to water.
.
Q: Don't you worry that your voice gives you away when you are out in public?

A: Usually my voice is not an issue. (By the way, my voice is not deep and I am soft-spoken even in male mode. In female mode, I just crank the softness up a few notches. However, I am always working harder to improve my feminine voice.)

(I turned the question around and asked the class, "If you did not know I was a male, do you think my voice would give me away?" Three or four students answered and they said, "No.")

Q: How do you hide your genitalia

A: I wear a panty girdle or Spanx panty to keep my genitalia in check. At one time, I tried a gaff, but discovered that it was very uncomfortable and that my male parts would escape frequently and required regaffing. The panty does a much better job keeping those parts in place and is much more comfortable.

Q: Do you do hormones or have you had surgery?

A: No. (My answer often surprises the students.)

Q: The way you move your hands and gesture is very feminine. Are you doing that intentionally?

A: It is not intentional. (I noticed that I gestured while answering the question and suddenly became aware that my hand gestures were indeed feminine, which gave me pause.)

Q: Do you buy your clothes in a "big" women's store?

A: Not necessarily. I am a size 16 or 18 above the waist and a size 14 or 16 below the waist, so sometimes I find clothes that fit in the "Misses" section and sometimes in the "Women's" section.

Q: What is your sexual orientation.

A: Lesbian.

Q: What would you do if you could do it over again?

A: I would live 24/7 as a woman without hormones and surgery, but I would have electrolysis.

Q: Do you ever feel that you are really a female?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you ever think about living full-time as a woman?

A: I think about it every day.

I don't go fishing for compliments when  I do outreach, but some come my way nonetheless.

A female student loved my hairdo and thought that my wig was my real hair. A pretty student said my makeup looked "fabulous." Another commented that I should teach the females in the class how to apply makeup.

One female student thought I looked good enough to do female impersonation.

Another female student commented how good I looked for my age. Immediately, another female jumped in and said how well I was put together. After that comment, nearly all the females started talking at once, commenting about how nice I looked. I blushed with embarrassment and thanked them for their compliments.

One student commented that my outfit was "cute." That made my day until another student stopped by to say, "You are so pretty!" She was very pretty herself and I was stunned by her compliment.

My most memorable outreach experience occurred four years ago.

After the class, a female student approached me. She said that when I entered the class, she thought I was a woman, not a trans woman, but a born woman.

Thank you, I thought to myself, but then she added that besides thinking I was a born woman, I was also the most beautiful older adult woman that she had ever seen in person!

I thanked her profusely aloud as she examined my presentation up close. She thought I was about 45 years old and she was very surprised when I revealed that I was 60.

Then she told me something very personal that I will not repeat here. I thought I detected her eyes beginning to well up.

The encounter became so emotional for me that I cannot remember if I gave her hug or not. (If I didn't, I should have.)

Those few minutes with her were priceless to me and I will remember her forever.

Wearing L'Agence.

Actor Lee Ingleby in British television's Fairy Tales (2008).

Out to Shop

Tuesday, I shopped and then did outreach at Professor Anna Schildroth's Human Sexuality class at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.

I was dressed and out the door at 9:30 AM wearing my zip front dress from Dress Barn, a red print scarf from Avon, nude high heel pumps from Payless, a gold retro style watch from Avon and a pair of vintage retro style gold earrings, topped with a blue trench coat from Fashion to Figure.

Monday, I received an order from Sephora, which included three free samples of various brands of mascara. Doing my makeup on Tuesday, I tried one of the samples, Lancome Hypnose Drama. I loved the results (longer fuller lashes without any clumping) and decided to purchase a full-size tube before I did outreach.

I arrived at the Meriden Westfield Mall just as it opened at 10 AM and sought out the Lancome counter in Macy's to purchase the mascara. The mall was quiet at 10 AM and there was no one in sight at the Lancome counter, so I visited the nearby enticing racks of dresses. I found three dresses: all Calvin Kleins, all size 14, to try on. (I am on the cusp of size 14 and since there were no 16s to try on, I had no choice.)

It amazes me how three dresses in the same size from the same manufacturer are all over the map regarding their fit.

The first dress I tried on was too too tight. I did not feel too bad about that because it was a very dressy dress and I had nowhere to wear it in the foreseeable future.

I had seen the second dress on a mannequin when I took my spouse shopping a week earlier and had fallen in love with it. It was smaller than the first dress and I could only zip it up one-third of the way. Again, I did not feel too bad about it because the price tag was way up there as was its hemline ― too short even for me.

The third dress fit just right and looked fab on me. It is a sleeveless black and white colorblock textured sheath (you can see it for yourself here). It is more practical than the other two because I can wear it to work or on a girls' night out, so I bought it and look forward to wearing it.

I got a taste of male privilege while the sale associate rang up my purchase.

As I was standing patiently in front of the register, this "man" probably about my age, maybe a little older, tries to take over my space. He had to return something and thought he could cut in on me. I did not budge and the sales associate told him he would have to wait until she was through dealing with the "lady."

He was steaming and I just smiled at him, which made him steam even more.

I returned to the Lancome counter, but there was still no one in sight, so I stopped a sales associate who was passing by for assistance. She was wearing a white smock that the folks who work the cosmetic counters usually wear, so I figured she could help me. And she did by quickly finding the mascara that I wanted.

After she rang up my purchase, she said, "I love your shoes. They are classic."

I thanked her for the compliment, then exited the mall with due speed to drive to New Haven to do outreach.

Actor Sid Silvers in the 1935 film Broadway Melody of 1936.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I did outreach at Professor Anna Schildroth's Human Sexuality class at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.

Wearing Parker.

Actor Miguel Bose in the 1991 Spanish film High Heels.

What's Right for Her

By Amy

Today, our new regular contributor, Amy, writes about what is right for her and she hopes some readers will relate to her views.

I know women who work in retail or in restaurants. They see other trans gals from time to time. Consistently they tell me how pleasant their interaction is with those that look great and act like they look ― great. They also say how difficult and uncomfortable the interaction can be with a trans gal that isn't comfortable, isn't blending in, and projects it. One woman told me how hard she tried to make this person feel comfortable in her store, but couldn't do so. Maybe in time.

For me...

• It's not about getting dressed; it is the reward of being well put together.
• It's not about getting overly dolled up; it is knowing I will blend with others perfectly and with style.
• It's not about copying another’s look; it is developing my own signature look.
• It's not about always color or always black; it is about knowing when to wear both.
• It's not about the legs; it is about an elegant hem line and its movement.
• It's not about hosiery (that’s over); but it can be about tights.
• It's not about heels that launch me over the others; it’s just not.
• It's not about dramatic makeup; it is that others expect me to look naturally pretty.
• It's not about the jewelry; it is about what makes me sparkle.
• It's not about a large breast or booty; it is about proportion and décolletage.
• It's not about really long hair; it is about age appropriate up-to-date hairstyles.
• It’s not about attracting attention; it is about getting an approving compliment or look!
• It’s not about standing out; it is about being invited to join in. (So fun!)

To paraphrase Margaret Thatcher, “If you have to remind people that you are a lady, you likely are not.”

Wearing Ann Taylor

Cecil Beaton