Breakthrough

By Monica M

Today's guest post by Monica can be considered a follow-up to the series of posts that began here in April 2014. 

I recently went to SF and then on to Denver to go to Art of Feminine Presence (AFP) Training.

This was my fourth time going to AFP. I am still amazed that our community has not taken to this; it really is the best way I have found for getting in touch with my feminine essence.

My companion for the training was my friend and well known voice coach Kathe Perez

I was surrounded for six days by loving caring and sympathetic cisgender woman who treated me as one of their own.

I have a theory, if you want to learn Japanese, you do not go to Japan and hang around with Americans. Similarly, if you want to get in touch with you feminine essence, hanging around with cisgender women is likely to be more productive than hanging around with transwomen. I am just saying! Get outside your comfort zone and you will be amazed at what you can achieve and learn!

Before my recent trip to SF and Denver, I was a nervous. Despite being out in public (a couple of times a year) for five years, I was always on the lookout for people watching me. I cringed internally when people looked at me a second time or gave me anything more than a cursory glance.

Being in my womb space (as we call it in AFP – power centre in Feminine Power, etc... I do a lot of these feminine courses… LOL!) lessened the discomfort, but did not eliminate it.

When in SF, I went for laser treatment on my beard and was in guy mode for that time. Going to and from the clinic, I noticed (for the first time – how dumb is that?) that people look at me and everybody else, no matter how they are presenting. People are curious and enjoy looking at others. Had I been in girl mode, I would have flinched and been upset. I realised then that it is my response that was causing the problem.

This led me to thinking that I was setting the bar too high for myself. I was setting being a cisgender woman as the target and when I failed, I was getting upset and depressed. The realisation struck me that no matter what, I cannot be a cisgender woman. My hands are too big, my feet are too big and my facial structure is wrong. In short, my anatomy and my history are wrong. Hence, the target is not really achievable: even with hormones and surgery I will still fall short.

I have to accept that I came to this place of the feminine through a different route than cisgender women. That does not make me any less of a woman, just a different sort of a woman. I am a transgender woman and need to accept that as my reality. Because no one person encompasses all of the feminine – the feminine being too big – my part of the feminine is as good as anybody else’s. I am different but equal!

I realised that the best I can be is a transgender woman. I have to accept that as the foundation of my existence. At this realisation, a huge weight fell off my shoulders – why has it taken me so long to see this?! I could now set my target as being the best transgender woman that I could be. This, at least, was an achievable target and I could get into just being myself and enjoying being a transgender woman. I love being the woman I am; I do not know why I am like this, but I know it feels like home to me.

 At the AFP event in Denver, I normally would plague my sisters for feedback on where I was falling short in my presentation as a cisgender woman. This time, I don’t believe I asked even one person.

When I went to the Denver art museum with my friend Leli, people looked at me, but it just did not bother me. I just enjoyed being the woman I am.

On the last night in Denver, when I came back to the hotel, the bar was surrounded by men – a fireman's convention! A couple of weeks ago, I would have turned tail and headed for my room. This time, I just got into my womb space, touched base with enjoying myself as the woman I am and strode confidently up to the bar and ordered a glass of pinot noir. The barman knew I was different as he had seen me there a few times before, I did not care. I did the best I could and enjoyed it. Nobody even looked at me! I took my wine back to my room and toasted my new found joy!

How this applies to my project of finding the gift of being transgender, I am not sure, but I will keep on looking!

I posted the above on my Facebook page and Don Hajicek, a professional photographer who has taken the best shots of me, the ones that really show my femininity commented, as follows:

I can tell you from my perspective, what makes a woman a woman has zero to do with facial hair or jawline or proficiency with makeup. The essence is never external, which is why I urge my clients to forgo professional hair and makeup before a session. The feminine simply cannot be painted on or curled and cut. I learned a valuable lesson from you, my friend, and that is that our gender isn't proclaimed by the doctor who delivers us. It's more essential even than that. It's the soul. It's what shows up when we stop pretending. That's the definition of authenticity and I honor and applaud you for your authenticity and for your immense courage. You are an exceptional human and an exceptional role model for every person who wishes to live in their truth and their power. It was honor to work with you last year, and it continues to be an honor to have you in the tribe. smile emoticon

He was the only male that responded. The other 13 replies were from my AFP sisters telling me how they supported me and how me, just being my female self, was a great inspiration to them.

What more could a transgender woman ask for? If I can do it. so can you. I am nothing special, I can assure you!

Wearing Young, Fabulous & Broke

Lorelei Erisis, professional transwoman, performer, filmmaker and former
Miss Trans New England, chatting with me at last year's True Colors Conference

Shorts

On Caitlyn Jenner

Smile, Caitlyn, smile!

I have not seen many post-transition photos of Caitlyn, but I have yet to see one in which she is smiling. She's got the world on a string and she should show it by smiling like the lady on the right!

On Mike Huckabee

In case you missed it, the presidential wannabee said, "I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, 'Coach, I think I'd rather shower with the girls today.'"

Yeah, that's the kind of ethical thinking we need in Washington!

But out of the mouth of boobs...

Huckabee's joke unintentionally reveals the real heart of the bathroom issue. It is not transwomen who are the problem, it's ciSgender men who are the problem.

On Fashion

I stock up on leggings, jeggings and skinny jeans, and now wide-leg pants are becoming fashionable again!

There is one advantage to being an old: I have been around long enough to see fashions come and go and come back again. And If I dig in my closet deep enough, I probably have something old that is new again.

Wearing Boston Proper

Comedian Zach Cregger (right) in television's The Whitest Kids U' Know (2011)

March 1962

Rhonda Williama

By Rhonda Williams

Today's post is written by regular Femulate reader and occasional Femulate contributor, Rhonda Williams.

March 1962, was a time when an important awakening occurred for me. Although born a boy and a very normal 14 year-old acting boy, I knew that deep inside me I was different. I loved my mother’s beautiful shoes. I preferred the company of girls at a time when most boys called them icky. I would go to bed at night thinking how wonderful it would be to wake up the next morning a girl. I loved the woman’s section of the Sears’ catalog and studied it at every opportunity. I remember, oh so well, the beautiful red dress my cousin wore one Sunday singing in the church choir. Oh, what I would have given to look like she did – maybe be her. Yes, different, but I did not know the depth or that my feeling had a name.

Why March 1962?

I ran with a little older group of boys from my neighborhood and they knew about a magazine called Sexology. It pretended to be scientific with doctors contributing scholarly articles about sex. Remember these were the dark ages of sex education so this addressed notions not talked about in polite company or any company.

As we passed Sexology around the car and read it, I had my life-informing moment. In an article Dr. Virginia Prince wrote entitled “166 Men in Dresses,” she wrote about her Transvestia magazine and transvestism, a term I had never heard of, much less associate myself. I was not even sure how to pronounce it, but saw myself there. A great weight was lifted. I was not the only one – there was this man called Virginia and me! I felt this inclination was so odd that I had to be the only person on the planet that felt this way.

There was no Internet, no on-line bulletin boards, no AOL and sex was barely mentioned. Certainly, the concept of a boy/man wanting to present as a woman could not be discussed or even hinted. The magazine Sexology was sold from under the counter and how my friends knew about it, I do not know. But, wow! And double Wow!

I went about the process of growing up knowing that transvestism or as we know it now, being transgender, would need to be dealt with, but, that came later.

So we have come a long way, baby. Caitlyn Jenner is on the front cover of the mainstream publication, Vanity Fair.

Thank you Virginia for opening the door of enlightenment for me. We are yet to see how the Caitlyn Jenner reality circus will play out, but I hope this will be an awakening for many, as was my 1962 moment.

Transgender now has a face. A tentative “Thank you, Caitlyn.”

Wearing Madeleine

Watching SNL reruns on VH1, my transradar went off during a commercial for an upcoming VH1 show featuring a variety of rock performers. As the announcer rattled off the performers who will appear, short video clips of those performers appeared on the screen and I noticed that one of the performers, Ezra Furman, was wearing a dress.

Using Google, I discovered that Ezra is a rock performer who occasionally wears female attire. Google turned up photos of Ezra performing on stage in a dress and also pointed to a music video for his song "Restless Year," where he really gets femmed up. 

Here is the link to the video ― I think you will enjoy it.

Watch the Birdie!

Hey Stana,

Have you ever considered a segment on self-photography?  You do an awesome job!

Suz


I take photos of myself nearly every time I present as a woman. I do it for two reasons:

• To feed this blog. (The blog is hungry for photos and it must be fed.)

• To see if the outfit I am wearing is good, bad, or ugly. (Photos are more revealing than a mirror. What I see in the mirror often looks different in a photograph. Photographing my fashion faux pas allows me to make adjustments, for example, put on a girdle so I don’t look so fat.)

Self photography is an art. I probably discard 4 out of 5 of the self-photos I take because there is something technically wrong with them (usually related to focus, framing, lighting, or worse, because I look fat).

Lately, I have been using my iPhone 5 for most of my self-photography. The quality of the iPhone 5 photos is very good in my opinion (good enough for me) and it is hard to beat the convenience.

The only problem is that the Camera app bundled with the iPhone does not have a self-timer and girls like us can’t live without self-timers! So I obtained other camera apps (Top Camera and Camera+) that do include the self-timer function. The former costs $3, the latter $2. And to do a self-timed selfie right. I also bought a small tripod ($4) that is designed to hold the iPhone while I get ready for my close-up.

I also use  a Canon PowerShot SD940 IS digital camera. It is full-featured (including a self-timer), takes excellent photos, and I thought it was the cat's meow until I started taking photos with my iPhone. Comparing photos taken during the same photoshoot with the Canon and the iPhone, I'd say that the results compare favorably. However, since I always have the iPhone in my purse, it is my go-to camera.

That covers the hardware, but what about the software, that is, the model in my selfies?

I learned that my best photos are ones in which I smile.

Over the years, I have seen thousands of photos of transgirls and I can never understand why some girls look so unhappy in their photos. They are living their dream although sometimes only momentarily and they should be very happy about it, yet some of them look like they just downed a spoonful of castor oil!

So, smile and smile naturally, not in a forced manner. I used to have a forced smile in my photos, but I worked on it and now my smiles look natural and the results are much better!

I am also becoming more adept at posing for my photos.

• I tilt my chin up slightly and extend my neck forward to avoid the double chin.

• Instead of a straight-on shot, I turn my shoulders slightly to the left or right. And pose with one leg in front of the other, for example, by crossing my legs at the ankle.

• With legs crossed, sometimes I will put one hand on my hip. This elbow jut pose results in a ladylike ballerina effect.

• To accentuate my legs, I thrust one hip to the side, stretch out my opposing leg as far as it will go, and point my toes.

Taking selfies as you pose in a mirror is tricky.

• For starters, shut off the flash, otherwise your selfie will be nothing but flash and that is not the result you want unless you are Barry Allen.

• Take mirror selfies while looking at your reflection in the mirror rather than looking at the trigger button on your smart phone. This is simple with the iPhone, because you can shoot a photo by clicking one of the iPhone's volume buttons, which is a lot easier than trying to click the virtual trigger button on the iPhone's screen.

• Before showing off your mirror selfies, use photo editing software to flip the image horizontally so that you look natural and not the opposite, which is what a mirror displays.

I am a work in progress and so is my self-photography, but practice, practice, practice and someday my photos will do justice to a complete woman.

Wearing Boston Proper

Comedian Darren Trumeter (right) in television's The Whitest Kids U' Know (circa 2010)

Making Water

"Transgender status has been all over the news lately. We (The National Law Review - ed.) have covered the various cases that have addressed transgender discrimination in lawsuits brought by the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission - ed.) as well as individuals since late 2014."

"Now the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has decided to get in on the action by entering into an agreement with the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) to 'provide NCTE affiliates and others with information and resources to help foster safer and more healthful American workplaces.' One of the primary focuses of the agreement is the question of restroom access for transgender workers."

Read the rest of the story from The National Law Review

Wearing Dior

Singer Paul Dennis femulating singer Karády Catherine Sztárban on Hungarian television.

Catherine's Favorite Photos (of Catherine!)

Please allow me to present two of my favorite photos. They are both from a lovely time in my life when I was enjoying frequent forays into ‘woman-world.’

The photo of me wearing a green outfit was taken at a weekend gathering of like-minded souls where I had to be my femme self for two complete days. I always felt special in this outfit and wish I could still have now the same reasonable figure that I had then. The skirt is very close-fitting and restricted my movement. I always wore higher and more slender than normal heels on occasions like this, when I would enjoy tottering around in a delightfully feminine, delicate and controlled manner.

The other photo is taken at the Marble Arch end of Hyde Park, London. I am on holiday staying in a hotel on the south coast of the UK. I travelled there dressed, taking with me no boy clothes whatsoever; packing only skirts and dresses accompanied by high heels, handbags and lovely lingerie. I am not a lover of tights (pantyhose) and wore stockings and suspenders (garter stockings) every day ― total and complete joy.

This outfit was worn on day three when I was feeling more relaxed. I walked to the train station after breakfast and bought a ticket to London. I remember travelling all alone in the carriage and exited onto the platform in London where I was also completely alone. Nobody else was around. This felt quite strange as here I was in one of the largest and busiest cities in the world and during my journey there for the last two hours, I was dressed as a woman, but there was not a soul to notice me.

Eventually I was in the real world and mixing with other humans, some of who were dressed like I was! I took the tube to Oxford Street and shopped for a few hours. I walked into Hyde Park and I asked someone to take this photo of me. No problem at all. I shopped a bit more, had a bite to eat and dreamily walked around as the winter evening grew darker and in the dimmer light, I merged amongst the others hastily going on their way.

I enjoyed the same travel arrangements back to my hotel where, sitting on my bed, I wondered at how easily and without mishap I had managed such a beautiful and amazing day out overflowing with so many feminine experiences and thoughts.

The remaining five days continued like this and as the days away approached number eight, I was sad to be leaving woman world and heading back to those drab old boy clothes again.

It is somewhat daunting to wake up in a room far from home surrounded by everything feminine. Almost as if I had swapped room with a woman in the middle of the night and had no option but to get dressed in her things. No choice and no decision to be made ― I have to leave the room as a woman and go out for the whole day. Even if I decided that I was going to give it all up and go back to being a boring male, I had to get dressed as a woman, have breakfast, pack my things, pay my bill and then drive all the way home in a skirt, as a woman stopping on the way to use the ladies loos! This experience of having no choice in the matter and having to get on with being feminine is an amazing feeling. Almost a relief and a good way to relax, give in and let go. I think it made me not think too much and allowed the feminine within me to take over.

During my stay, I shopped every day, trying on many skirts and dresses. I bought several pairs of stockings; some makeup, a pair of shoes and browsed for England! I walked a fair bit, took in a couple of classical concerts, visited many local sights and enjoyed a fine meal or two. I lost count of the number of times I accompanied other women to the ladies toilets.

All in all the whole week was incredible and many is the time I look at this photo and re-live feeling so special in this outfit ― completely different but normal ― as a smart, feminine everyday woman.
Thanks for allowing me to share these thoughts. I hope they are of use to someone.

Catherine

Calling all girls! My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Single

Czech professional femulator Libor Landa

Hilary's Favorite Photos (of Hilary!)

Stana,

I have been following your blog for a few years.

The pictures attached are my favorite pictures.

Because of my prior weight, I had very low self-body image.(I have attached a picture of me when I was a ++size women.) 

I tend to hide my body in non-forming clothing. I had the opportunity to spent the day at True Colors Artistry in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania and was worked on by the amazing Amanda Richards. She provided me the opportunity to improve my self-image. Simply one of the best days of my life!

Hilary

Calling all girls! My open invitation to post your favorite photo along with the story behind it and the reason it is your favorite photo still stands, so don't be shy, send me your fave foto. ― Stana

Wearing Saylor

Pretty in pink for the American Canyon, California, middle school beauty pageant

Proms

In high school, I did not date much. I interacted easily with girls on a day-to-day basis, but when it came to dating, I did not interact successfully.

Looking back, I realize that interacting with girls was easy because I was so feminine, I was really a girl. However, dating girls was difficult because I had to act like a male and that was so foreign to me that I was lousy at it.

When I attended my high school's prom, my sister had to set me up with her best friend as my date. That date went fine because I already knew my sister's friend well; it was as if we were two girls out on a date. The only problem was that one girl had to dress like a boy.

So as the prom season winds down throughout the land, I think about the pretty prom gowns I wasn't able to wear to my high school's spring formal.

Times have changed. As Ray Davies once sang, "Boys will be girls and girls will be boys" and today, boys do wear gowns to proms and girls do wear tuxedos, probably not at my Catholic high school, but at some of the more progressive schools in the land.

And so it goes.

Miss Garber was way ahead of the curve attending her prom in Texas in 1996.

Canadian lass, Rachel attended her prom in 2011. 

Chris attended her prom in the UK in 2012.

Questions

I am participating in Trans*forming the Dialogue, Simmons College’s Online MSW Program’s campaign to promote an educational conversation about the transgender community. By participating in this campaign, I will be offering my perspective on what TO ask and what NOT to ask trans*people.

So, what are the do's and don't's when asking a trans person about their experiences?

My Golden Rule is do not ask a trans person any questions about their transness until you ask the following question and receive a positive answer: Do you want to talk about being trans?" 

No other questions should be considered until the trans person agrees to talk about it.

If the trans person does not want to talk about it, then do not pursue it and let them be. On the other hand, if the trans person gives you the go-ahead, they are still within their rights to refuse to answer any question for whatever reason.

Personally, I love to talk about being trans. I have even been known to ask civilians who seem hesitant or too polite to ask if they want to hear about my transness.

Being trans still fascinates me 50 years after trying on my first pair of heels. I love to talk about my trials and tribulations, my amusing experiences, my affirming experiences, my hits, runs and errors and my natural, no hormone, no surgery B-cups (LOL)!

Although I am willing to talk about being trans, I do reserve the right to not answer a question, but I have yet to ever invoke that option. So, ask away.

Street style, Cannes, May 2015

Womanless Beauty Pageant Contestant Number 4

Saturday Evening in Dayton

My Fridays and Saturdays at Hamvention are so similar that it is hard to remember what I did each day. Up at 5 AM to get ready, grab breakfast and get to the Hamvention before it opens to the public. Then staff the booth most of the day with breaks to attend any presentations that interest me or to visit other booths.

The only differentiation is what I wear and what I do in the evening. As I wrote yesterday, Friday, I wore my white blazer and pencil skirt from Fashion to Figure. Saturday, I wore my JB by Julie Brown Kole shift dress. Friday evening is my group's annual banquet and Saturday evening is a cook-out at the home of a board member who lives in the Dayton suburbs
.
There is nothing to add about my daytime experiences at Hamvention that I haven't already written about in my previous posts. However, I will describe my evening at the cookout Saturday evening.

What I Wore Saturday Evening to My Board Member's Cookout ― The same outfit I wore when I drove to Ohio on Thursday. i.e., blue skin-tight jeggings from Dress Barn, black tunic top from Avon, black patent heels from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Berkshire nude thigh-highs. I accessorized with silver door-knocker earrings from Napier, silver dangling heart bracelet, black watch and a black hobo bag, all from Avon.

There are usually 30 to 40 people at the cookout. The majority are male and it seems that every year, there are new faces from the ham radio community, who were not in attendance at previous years' cookouts. Most of the females in attendance are wives of the hams and they kind of take over the kitchen.

When in Rome, do as the Romans, so I hung out in the kitchen with the ladies, while the guys hung out around the gas grill. The girl-talk was a pleasant break from the wall-to-wall ham radio talk of the previous 48 hours. One woman was surprised when I told her I had been a ham for over 45 years; she had assumed I was the wife of one of the hams at the cookout.

The only women I remember from last year's cookout was the hostess and the woman who was shooting daggers at me all night. Of course, my hostess was present this year, but the dagger lady was absent.

The handful of other women who were present were not in my memory, however, one of the women, a neighbor who was helping our hostess, remembered me and decided to welcome me into the club of women in the kitchen.

"Another woman!" she exclaimed when she saw me.

She became my best friend chatting with me throughout the cookout and introducing me to everyone else who joined our kitchen cabinet.

I had a wonderful time. It was so affirming to be treated as a lady by the other ladies. They had nothing to lose if they decided to ignore the me, unlike the sales ladies I encounter when I shop, who will lose sales if they ignore me. The ladies at the cookout welcomed me with open arms and it was so very, very nice!

Wearing Boston Proper

Actor Mehdi Dehbi femulating in the 2009 French film He's My Girl.