Questions

I am participating in Trans*forming the Dialogue, Simmons College’s Online MSW Program’s campaign to promote an educational conversation about the transgender community. By participating in this campaign, I will be offering my perspective on what TO ask and what NOT to ask trans*people.

So, what are the do's and don't's when asking a trans person about their experiences?

My Golden Rule is do not ask a trans person any questions about their transness until you ask the following question and receive a positive answer: Do you want to talk about being trans?" 

No other questions should be considered until the trans person agrees to talk about it.

If the trans person does not want to talk about it, then do not pursue it and let them be. On the other hand, if the trans person gives you the go-ahead, they are still within their rights to refuse to answer any question for whatever reason.

Personally, I love to talk about being trans. I have even been known to ask civilians who seem hesitant or too polite to ask if they want to hear about my transness.

Being trans still fascinates me 50 years after trying on my first pair of heels. I love to talk about my trials and tribulations, my amusing experiences, my affirming experiences, my hits, runs and errors and my natural, no hormone, no surgery B-cups (LOL)!

Although I am willing to talk about being trans, I do reserve the right to not answer a question, but I have yet to ever invoke that option. So, ask away.

Street style, Cannes, May 2015

Womanless Beauty Pageant Contestant Number 4

Saturday Evening in Dayton

My Fridays and Saturdays at Hamvention are so similar that it is hard to remember what I did each day. Up at 5 AM to get ready, grab breakfast and get to the Hamvention before it opens to the public. Then staff the booth most of the day with breaks to attend any presentations that interest me or to visit other booths.

The only differentiation is what I wear and what I do in the evening. As I wrote yesterday, Friday, I wore my white blazer and pencil skirt from Fashion to Figure. Saturday, I wore my JB by Julie Brown Kole shift dress. Friday evening is my group's annual banquet and Saturday evening is a cook-out at the home of a board member who lives in the Dayton suburbs
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There is nothing to add about my daytime experiences at Hamvention that I haven't already written about in my previous posts. However, I will describe my evening at the cookout Saturday evening.

What I Wore Saturday Evening to My Board Member's Cookout ― The same outfit I wore when I drove to Ohio on Thursday. i.e., blue skin-tight jeggings from Dress Barn, black tunic top from Avon, black patent heels from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Berkshire nude thigh-highs. I accessorized with silver door-knocker earrings from Napier, silver dangling heart bracelet, black watch and a black hobo bag, all from Avon.

There are usually 30 to 40 people at the cookout. The majority are male and it seems that every year, there are new faces from the ham radio community, who were not in attendance at previous years' cookouts. Most of the females in attendance are wives of the hams and they kind of take over the kitchen.

When in Rome, do as the Romans, so I hung out in the kitchen with the ladies, while the guys hung out around the gas grill. The girl-talk was a pleasant break from the wall-to-wall ham radio talk of the previous 48 hours. One woman was surprised when I told her I had been a ham for over 45 years; she had assumed I was the wife of one of the hams at the cookout.

The only women I remember from last year's cookout was the hostess and the woman who was shooting daggers at me all night. Of course, my hostess was present this year, but the dagger lady was absent.

The handful of other women who were present were not in my memory, however, one of the women, a neighbor who was helping our hostess, remembered me and decided to welcome me into the club of women in the kitchen.

"Another woman!" she exclaimed when she saw me.

She became my best friend chatting with me throughout the cookout and introducing me to everyone else who joined our kitchen cabinet.

I had a wonderful time. It was so affirming to be treated as a lady by the other ladies. They had nothing to lose if they decided to ignore the me, unlike the sales ladies I encounter when I shop, who will lose sales if they ignore me. The ladies at the cookout welcomed me with open arms and it was so very, very nice!

Wearing Boston Proper

Actor Mehdi Dehbi femulating in the 2009 French film He's My Girl.

My Friday at Hamvention

Up at 5 AM, I shaved, showered, made up my face and got dressed for the "Big Show," that is, Hamvention ― the largest ham radio convention in the USA, if not the world. (How big? Last year, nearly 25,000 people attended the event.)

I wore the same outfit I wore to the transgender conference last month ― the white blazer and pencil skirt from Fashion to Figure. I think it is a killer outfit ― "Presidential" as the saleswoman at Fashion to Figure put it; a very professional look that was appropriate for a woman staffing a booth. I could not wait for the civilians to see me, so as soon as I was dressed, I took the elevator down to the hotel restaurant to eat breakfast.

The restaurant was about one-quarter occupied, mostly with business people on their way to conduct some business. None of my group were present, so I parked myself at a table and began breakfasting.

My table just happened to be facing the only other business woman seated in the restaurant. Whenever I looked in her direction, I caught her checking me out. This went on until a couple of male colleagues joined her for breakfast, which was just about the same time that one of my male colleagues joined me for breakfast.

Let me tell you about my colleagues.

I am the second or third oldest person on the board. One board member is about 10 years older as is his wife, who usually travels with him as she did this trip. The rest of the board members range in age from 35 to my age.

Most of them got to know me when I was still presenting as a male, either through my prolific writing in the ham radio world or as fellow board members. In either case, I consider most of them friends and I think they feel the same way. So when I began presenting as my true self, they found that I was still the same person that they knew before, but with a better fashion sense. And they continued to treat me as a friend and from my perspective, I saw no change in the way they interacted with me.

And a few of my colleagues joined the group after my coming out, so they only know Stana and did not have to make any adjustments. And they have become my friends, too.

I usually girl-talk with the wife of the oldest board member and she mentioned to me that when she first saw me on Thursday evening, she remarked how different I looked. We discussed the improvements I made in my presentation, but she thought I overdressed for Hamvention, which brings undo attention to me and was a giveaway that I was (in her words) a "tranny."

My retort.

Whereas most of the female attendees at Hamvention are dressed casually, the females staffing the various booths at Hamvention in general, dress nicer than the attendees, and some even dress as nice (or nicer) as I dressed.

Maybe I am making too much of her remark about giving away the fact that I am trans by dressing too well. She seems to have accepted me in the club, for example, we occasionally go to the ladies' room together as women do and she has interacted with me in other ways that indicate I am part of the club. Perhaps, her remark was due to the fact that she knew me for a long time when I was still presenting as a boy.

Anyway, it seems to me that I was accepted as a woman by most of the civilians I encountered.

There is a lot of foot traffic on the convention floor and at times, the congestion is such that you find yourself stuck in place waiting for movement or looking for an opening… unless you are a tall, well-dressed woman; then the mostly male crowd parts way to let you pass or a male will stop in his tracks to let you use an opening through the throng.

Many males and a few females checked me out. In the past, it was usually middle-aged and beyond males who did the checking, but this year, I noticed that younger males also were checking me out, which was very affirming with regards to my improved presentation. And that probably precipitated the guys who tried to hit on me, as well as the guy who handed me his business card with his personal phone number scrawled on the back; "Please call me," he said.

While I was staffing the booth, a guy stopped by and remarked that he remembered me from the previous year because I had bought an item from his booth. I recalled buying the item, but I did not recall him, so I used my feminine charms and managed to never admit that I did not remember him.

Another guy asked me a question that I could not handle, so I jokingly said, "You'll have to ask him (referring to one of the guys staffing our booth) because I am just a 'booth babe'"

His response was, "And a very good 'booth babe'!"

Speaking of booth babes, the suite of booths across the aisle from us had three young ladies filling that role (just as they had the previous year), but this year, they all wore flats instead of heels. I wore heels, but occasionally went barefoot in our carpeted booth just to give my feet a break. I exchanged smiles with the women across the aisle throughout the weekend and I encountered one of them in the ladies' restroom where she remarked, "How pretty you look!"

My usual routine at Hamvention is to staff our group's booth, attend any talks of interest and tour the convention hall to see what the other booths are showing. Although Hamvention also has a huge outdoor flea market, I usually don't find anything I want, so I hate to waste precious time going up and down rows on a fruitless search.

This spring, I sold some radio equipment I was not using and planned to use the proceeds to join the 21st Century radio-wise and purchase a new radio to replace my 30-year-old transmitter/receiver (transceiver, a Kenwood TS-440S). I had researched the matter beforehand and pretty much knew what I wanted to buy (an Elecraft KX3).

Friday morning, my group has a two-hour forum, so I attended that to take photos for our group's newsletter, which I produce. After the forum, I made a bee-line to the Elecraft booth to buy a KX3.

Arriving at the booth, a gent staffing the booth quickly untangled himself from the conversation he was having with a male civilian to talk with me. I told him what I wanted to buy and he guided me to the area of their booth where sales were being handled and departed only after he was able to hand me off to a sales staffer, a woman who sadly informed me that they were sold out of all the KX3s they had brought. But I could order one with the incentive of no sales tax and no shipping charge.

I would have had to pay sales tax if I took a unit home from the show, so that incentive along with free shipping was very attractive. I took a blank order form, filled it out and returned the next day to place my order. The sales staff remembered me, so I must have made a good impression the day before.

After a busy day at the Hamvention, we returned to our hotel to freshen up before attending my group's annual banquet dinner with another group, AMSAT. Since I had an hour to freshen up, I decided to change outfits and wore my new gray flare dress from Fashion to Figure.

By 5 PM, my face is sprouting some of the hairs I closely shaved away 12 hours earlier, so before I freshen up my makeup, I must tend to the new beard growth. Here is a trick I learned years ago from Hollywood makeup artist, Jim Bridges. Instead of removing my makeup, shaving and then reapplying my makeup, I use an electric razor to go over the spots that have new beard growth. This is adequate for the small amount of hair I have to remove and I only have to touch up my makeup, rather than reapplying it all over again. It also helps avoid getting a shaving burn on my face, which may occur if I shave twice a day with a manual razor.

After getting gorgeous, I encountered a well-dressed couple about my age waiting to take the elevator down to the lobby. After we boarded the elevator, the woman remarked, "It's nice to see another tall woman."

I responded, "I'm 6 feet 2 without these" referring to my 3-inch heels.

And then I accurately guessed, "You look to be 5 feet 9."

She added, "Without these" referring to her heels.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Wearing L.A.M.B.

Actor Woody Harrelson in the 2003 film Anger Management

Fashionable Dayton: Saturday Daytime

What I Wore Saturday at Hamvention ― JB by Julie Brown Kole shift dress, nude patent high heel pumps from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Berkshire nude thigh-highs. I accessorized with black and silver loop earrings from WalMart, black and silver loop necklace from Fashion Bug; silver dangling heart bracelet, black watch and nude hobo bag, all from Avon.

Wearing Robyn

Actor Victor Rueda in the 1999 Spanish film Between Your Legs

Fashionable Dayton: Friday Evening

What I Wore Friday Evening to the TAPR-AMSAT Dinner ― Fashion to Figure gray flare dress, black patent high heel pumps from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Hue black tights. I accessorized with vintage door-knocker earrings from Napier; black and white print scarf, silver dangling heart bracelet, black watch and a black hobo bag, all from Avon.

Wearing Boston Proper

Actor Jeffrey Carlson on television's
All My Children in 2007

Fashionable Dayton: Friday Daytime

What I Wore Friday at Hamvention ― Fashion to Figure white blazer and white zippered pencil skirt, black top with a flower petal neckline from Avon, black patent high heel pumps from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Berkshire nude thigh-highs. I accessorized with vintage silver disc earrings, silver dangling heart bracelet, black watchand a black hobo bag, all from Avon.

Wearing Lafayette 148

Actor Clément Hervieu Léger in a 2009 episode of the French television series Suite-Noire

You All at Hamvention

I should have kept a log, but I estimate that 20 Femulate readers stopped by my booth at Hamvention to say "Hello." About half were repeats, girls who I had met during past Hamventions, while the other half were new encounters.

Some of those new encounters were so similar that it was scary.

Guy walks up to me while I am staffing the booth and says, "I read your blog."

I ask, "My ham radio blog?"

(I write a low-traffic, low-schedule blog related to radio and other non-trans interests, so I assume that the guy in front of me is a ham, but not necessarily trans.)

Guy responds, "No."

I respond, "Oh, that blog."

And then we proceed to discuss trans things!

Over half of the newbies never introduced themselves and their name tags were out of sight, so I amclueless as to who were the new girls I met.

One guy who did not introduce herself on Friday came back in girl mode on Saturday and introduced herself as "Tammy." And Tammy even wrote something for the blog, which I am happy to present to you now.

I thought I'd share my observations on the convention Stana attended last week. I also attended that convention ― one day en femme. In addition to attending the convention, I did travel three days as well as spent two evenings out eating and shopping en femme.

Just a little background ― the convention has about 260 vendor booths (one of which Stana staffed) and about 1441 electronic flea market spaces, so it's a pretty big event. About 25,000 people attend this convention ― I'd guess about 90% being men. 

The first day I attended in “boy mode” to get an idea of the lay of the land so to speak. I found the booth Stana was working and instantly recognized her. She was wearing an attractive business dress and heels appropriate for vendors working at the convention. She blended in with the rest of the vendors ― just a typical woman doing her job. We had a nice short visit and promised to exchange emails in the future.

On the second day of the convention, I attended en femme. Since I was not attending as a vendor ― just one of 25,000 people attending, I had to decide what to wear. My goal was to attend and blend in like any other woman attending. So here's how I made my decision ― starting with my feet and working up. 

Shoes ― I did not see any women (that were not vendors) wearing heels. All were wearing comfortable shoes suitable for a lot of walking. I decided to wear light colored running shoes. I did change the shoe laces to orange laces to make them a little more feminine. 

Next was dress, skirt, shorts, or slacks ― It was rare to see any women wearing a dress or skirt and none of them were wearing anything you would consider stylish (except for the vendors).  Any dresses worn by just someone attending would have fit right in at WalMart ― if that helps you figure out the “style factor.” I decided to wear black jeans.  The women's cut of the legs made them a little more slimming and stylish that your average “boy” jeans. 

The top was the hardest to decide on. There were a lot of women wearing T-shirts and light blouses. Comfort was the name of the game here so I wore a short sleeve, high neckline, light colored blouse. 

Most women attending were not wearing makeup ― maybe just a few were wearing lipstick. so I went with the minimum here also. A good foundation with setting powder, light eyebrow coloring to match the hair, just enough blush to add a hint of color and a lipstick just a little darker than my lips. The goal was for someone looking closely from a few feet away to think I wasn't wearing makeup. Jewelry was also kept simple ― silver hoop earrings and a silver watch ― similar to the other women attending.

How did it go? 

Great!! I had a wonderful time. I think I fit right in, maybe just a little nicer clothes than the average woman. I did have to get used to men opening doors for me, waiting for me to get out of my seat while getting off the bus, and suggesting I go first when waiting to buy something. 

When addressed in a gender specific way, I was usually called Ma’am. But I also got a “sweetie,” “hon," “honey” and “young lady” just like any other woman visiting the flea market spaces. Since there were so few women attending, I did have to get used to other women coming over to me to ask questions, get directions or just to chat about the convention. 

Even on the way home, I'd get women at rest stops starting conversations about where I was going and if I was going to do the trip in just one day. I stopped to see Stana at her booth the second day and I'm not sure she instantly recognized me ― although I'll bet her “radar” for these things is pretty good. 

What's the moral of this story?

Conventions and trade shows are good places to get used to dressing en femme as long as you don't dress too far above or below the average woman attending. If there's a good mix of men and women, you might not have to talk much. If there's a lack of women and you “pass," you'll probably find other women wanting to talk to you.

Street Style, Spring 2015

Womanless beauty pageant contestant.

Miamisburg

Thursday, May 14, continued

The traffic was very cooperative and I arrived at the Dayton (Miamisburg) hotel at the beginning of check-in time.

My hotel reservation was in error. My last name was spelled incorrectly and it had a male first name, so I handed the young lady working the front desk my Hilton Honors Awards card and asked her to correct my reservation.

She looked at my card, which has my female first name and the correct spelling of my last name, and said, "They really messed up your reservation, Ma'am."

(That's just what I wanted to hear.)

I uploaded my luggage to my room and relaxed. The hotel was about a year old and was drop dead gorgeous ― one of the nicest hotels I ever stayed in. I looked forward to being a woman in that beautiful environment, so I decided to dress-up for dinner and my radio group's board meeting.

What I Wore ― Fashion to Figure blue belted sleeveless dress, nude patent heels from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Berkshire nude thigh-highs. I accessorized with vintage silver disc earrings, silver dangling heart bracelet from Avon, black watch from Avon and a nude hobo bag from Avon.

I thought I looked lovely and took the elevator down to the first floor to find the restaurant. None of the board members mentioned meeting for dinner, so I assumed I would be dining alone unless I happened to run into someone I knew.

I was immersed in the sound of my high heels clicking on the marble floor when I turned the corner and found four of the board members and one of their spouses seated at a table in the open dining area off the lobby. They all greeted me and invited me to join them for dinner.

I took a seat and the waitress came by and asked, "Would you like a drink, Ma'am?"

At this point, the wife of a board member noticed that I looked different... in a positive way.

I have known most of the board members for 10 to 15 years, so besides radios and board business, we chat about our families, our jobs and our lives outside radio and the Thursday pre-board meeting is a chance to catch-up. This is an opportunity for the transgender topic to come up, but no one mentions it unless I mention it.

They may ask me, "How's it going?" without being specific about what "it" they are referring to, but that is about as specific as they get to the topic. I assume that my presentation gives off an impression that things are going well, and so it goes.

Dinner was excellent and as we finished up, the other board members showed up and joined the conversation at our table.

Seven P.M. was approaching and the board meeting was about to begin, so I returned to my room to get my laptop because I am also the organization's secretary and have to take the minutes of the board meeting.

Two hours later, the meeting ended and most of us called it a night because we had two full days ahead of us.

I returned to my room, removed my makeup and clothing, slipped into my nightie and bed and slept soundly until the alarm clock sounded at 5 AM.

Wearing Bebe

Nicole's French maid femulation

My Roadtrip to Hamvention

Wednesday, May 13

To avoid the morning commuter traffic, I left as soon as possible after getting out of bed, so I forgo dressing as a woman in exchange for preferred traffic conditions.

Except for a 10-minute back-up due to construction in Scranton, the trip went smoothly and I reached the half-way point by mid-afternoon and got a room in a Travelodge near the intersection of I-99 and the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

I could have continued driving, but check-in time at my hotel in Dayton was 3 PM, so there was not much point in driving further just to cool my heels in the hotel lobby waiting to check-in. (In the past, I would make the 727-mile trip in one shot both coming and going, but for the last 10 years or so, I have split the trip to Dayton in half in order to conserve energy for the two days at the convention.)

Turns out, there was a not so obvious truck stop across the street from my hotel room and for most of the night, I was kept awake by tractor trailers downshifting to make the left hand turn into the truck stop. Even earplugs did not help and I probably got less than three hours of well-needed beauty sleep.

Thursday, May 14

Unable to sleep, I rose early and had plenty of time to get ready, so I was all woman when I went to the hotel restaurant for the complimentary breakfast buffet.

What I Wore ― Blue jeggings from Dress Barn, black tunic top from Avon, black patent heels from Payless over Victoria's Secret bra and panties, a forgotten company's waist cincher and Berkshire nude thigh-highs. I accessorized with silver door-knocker earrings from Napier, silver dangling heart bracelet, black watch and a black hobo bag, all from Avon. For driving, I switched to black mid-heel wedges from Payless, which I am wearing in the accompanying photo.

The restaurant was quiet with about a half-dozen customers. The waitress was pleasant and treated me like a lady, but my woman's intuition told me that she suspected that something was amiss and that I wasn't.

After a filling, but uneventful breakfast, I returned to my room, finished packing, moved my luggage to the car and went to the front desk  to check out. The woman who checked me in the previous afternoon when I was in boy mode was working the desk. Now I was in girl mode; nevertheless, she was pleasant, all smiles and never let on that she suspected anything, although she most likely knew because I checked in under my male name and she was viewing that information as I checked out.

I sashayed to my Subaru and headed due west;  next stop: Dayton (actually Miamisburg).

Wearing Zoe

Grayson Perry's Claire

Fear and Loathing in Ohio

My annual Hamvention "booth babe" photo

No offense, but in general, Ohio is not the most liberal area of the old USA. So every year, when I begin my journey to Hamvention, I am a little concerned about receiving negative reactions while tripping through Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Ohio.

And on the heels of all the recent media attention on transgender issues, I was more concerned this year. Whereas, in the past, most civilians were not attuned to transpeople, so I could slip by and be taken for a big, old ugly woman. Now that the civilians are more aware transgender-wise, I might be more closely scrutinized and exposed as a big, old ugly guy wearing a dress.

I had two choices:

1) Take no chances and go to Hamvention as a guy, or

2) Throw caution to the wind and go to Hamvention as the woman I am

I selected the option number 2 and as it turned out, I had nothing to fear. I knocked it out of the ballpark.

I heard nothing but female pronouns throughout the weekend that were expressed without hesitation.

Whenever I walked through the Hamvention throngs, the mostly male crowd parted the way to let the me through.

Whenever I approached a Hamvention booth to more closely view a gizmo, the booth staff dropped everything to do my bidding.

Women (strangers and friends alike) complimented me on how I looked.

Women included me in the club on a couple of occasions during the long weekend.

Men checked me out. Some had the nerve to hit on me. One guy even gave me his phone number! I am used to men checking me out. Usually, they are my peers age-wise, but at Hamvention this year, I even noticed younger men checking me out.

I attribute my success to some subtle changes.

When I met my fellow board members for dinner Thursday night, the wife of one of the board members remarked, "She looks different."

And I did look different.

I lost 5 pounds.

My makeup was spot-on mainly due to finally getting the correct foundation color thanks to Sephora's Color IQ.

My new Kris Jenner hairdo is so stylish and a perfect fit for me, not to mention it is the first large-sized wig I ever owned and fits my head like a glove!

I knew had my act together and was completely confident as a woman.

Wearing Marc New York

Bride and bridesmaid femulations

I'm Back

Our regular scheduled program will return tomorrow, but I just want to post a short note that I am back home after an extremely busy trip to Dayton, Ohio, to attend Hamvention. The photo shows the ensemble I wore Thursday evening for dinner and my group's board meeting (Fashion to Figure dress, Payless pumps, Avon watch and vintage silver earrngs).