One Person's Journey to Womanhood – Part 18

By Monica M

The final software skill one needs (in my opinion) and which really feeds and enhances all others is the internal female operating software. With apologies to Tolkien, “One skill to rule them and in the darkness bind them.”

I guess you could liken it to the spiritual side. It is the spirit of being a woman. It is being in touch with your body and with your emotions. It is a very different operating system from the male one. Since we have mostly been brought up to ignore our feelings and not be in touch with our bodies, we (as socialized males) need serious coaching in this area... well, I did.

The Art of Feminine Presence (AFP) is an intensive weekend course held in various locations around the country during the year. Usually, the intensive weekend is held in association with a teacher training weekend. I started on the intensive weekend in Portland in 2012 and followed that with the Teacher Training Level 1. I went to Atlanta in 2013 and did Teacher Training 2. I am now the first openly TG person to be a certified Level 2 Teacher in AFP.

Basically, what you learn in AFP is how to listen to your body. How to be aware of it physically, energetically and emotionally. As it is designed to reacquaint women with the Yin side that they have ignored and left behind (through the stresses of the modern world, jobs, etc.), it is ideal for us. It provides us with the skills and experiences that we missed when we took the male socialization path. The intensive weekend gives enough of the basics for you to work on by yourself. The Teacher Training provides new practices, but also takes the earlier practices to a deeper level.

Rachael Jane (the power behind AFP) has written a book about her techniques and those who are interested can check it out here.

Rather than go through the various techniques, I will just document what this body of practice did for me. The benefits were indeed many. I cannot recommend this practice too highly.

The work looks at the Yin and Yang energies that we all have and seeks to tap into the correct energy for the given situation. This seems much more sensible to me than talking about feminine and masculine.

Through the practices, I have really got in touch with my Yin energy. I am now much more in touch with my feelings. I cry more, I laugh more and I feel more. I spend much less time in my head and more time in my body. I know what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I know what success as a woman means to me because I have learned it through my body rather than intellectualized about it.

I remember during my first intensive weekend 18 months ago, one of the ladies (whose name escapes me) said to me that she would be curious to see what effect this work would have on me if I practised it diligently for a year. Well, I think I now have the answer!

The confidence gained through the application of the techniques in this work has led to a kind of virtuous spiral. The better I am at projecting as a woman, the more confidence I have. It has touched every aspect of my presentation from my voice to my movement and walk.

Through the work, I am able to ground very quickly if I am in a situation where I am read. Before, my thoughts would go into my head and I would panic. Now I ground myself in my womb space and carry on. I am not responsible for the other person's reaction to me. I can now fully accept that I am transgender and that this state is not something to be embarrassed about.

I am far more confident in my femininity. On my last teacher training course in April, at least two of the women (unprompted) said to me that I was more in touch with my feminine side than any of the cisgender women in the room. Also, during the course, a number of people (including Rachael Jane and Don, the photographer) said that there was no doubt in their minds that my core essence was feminine.

This work has really helped me to find the joy in life and the joy in being the type of woman that I am. Joy flows from this work. It is also very good for getting you in touch with what you really want, rather than what you think you want.

But above and beyond that, it gave me a group of wonderful, supportive and loving women friends, who I will be in contact with for the rest of my life and who I know I can call on if I need help. They all know that I am transgender, but have no problems accepting me as one of their own. What more can a transgender woman ask for? 

To me, this is the essence of being a woman; the hardware is just the sugar dusting on the icing. None of my new women friends care about my hardware; in fact, none have ever even asked me about it! To them I am Monica! I love these women; I have found my real joy in being a woman.

I love being a woman! (Part 17 of One Person’s Journey to Womanhood appeared here.)

 

 

 

Wearing Tahari Arthur S. Levine.

 

 

 

Actor Kenneth-Connor femulating in the 1963 British film Carry On Cabby.

Can't Have Enough!

One Person's Journey to Womanhood – Part 17

By Monica M

2010 was the year of two conventions: Esprit in Port Angeles (the classic coming-out convention) and Southern Comfort in Atlanta (the biggest convention of all).

Esprit was really great for helping one to get out and about. The town is small and seems to love the transgender community. There are so many other and more experienced transgenders out on the street, it makes it so much easier to make those first steps. For example, the Chinese Restaurant where we had dinner one night must not have had too many transgender diners because the staff came by frequently to gawk at us. By then, we were able to take it in our stride.

Typically, there are about 30 or 40 people at Esprit and you quickly get to know them all as you will meet them again and again in the various classes that you take. There were classes on makeup, safety, dress, deportment, voice, wigs, movement, etc. and there are usually a number of guest speakers.

The atmosphere is very friendly and helpful and the committee goes out of its way to help the new people. Couples are very welcome and there are special joint couple sessions. There is a real happy, festival atmosphere as those of us who have repressed our feelings and love of things feminine let it go! I would recommend it to anybody and especially to anybody who has a partner.

We drove to Port Townsend one day for some practice away from the safe home turf. We wandered around the shops in the town and nobody paid us any attention or bothered us despite me being as nervous as a kitten. While walking around the town, I slowly started to calm myself down... so much so that by the time we were leaving, I felt ready to go into an ice cream parlor to get some ice cream for my wife and some coffee for myself.

As soon as I walked into the shop and closed the door behind me, I noticed a troupe of school girls! Oh! No! The literature says that meeting a group of schoolgirls is the worst thing because they have no mercy on us transgenders. I nervously tip-toed past their big table to a table safely out in the yard. Not only did they not harass me, they never even looked at me! Phew!

Here are some photos from my time in Port Angeles. I am normally quite a shy person, but as I was throwing caution to the wind, I decided to go all out and even participated in the fashion show. It was fun.

Southern Comfort is a different experience altogether and it does pay if you are going to join a group as it can be very lonely amongst such a large crowd. It is interesting to see so many trans people, but it is not very intimate and quite impersonal.

Having said that my den mother (whose name I have forgotten, sorry) really did a great job keeping us together and organized. However, I don't think I would bother going to a convention again. I liken it to a Japanese student who wants to learn English. If she only hangs around with other Japanese students while she is in the USA, she will not really learn a lot. It is better to go native and in my case, I figured a better use of my time was to spend it with cisgender women.

But how? The best was yet to come!

Here are pictures from Southern Comfort.

(Part 16 of One Person’s Journey to Womanhood appeared here.)

 

 

 

Wearing Tahari Arthur S. Levine.

 

 

 

Actor George Sanders femulating in the 1970 film The Kremlin Letter.

One Person's Journey to Womanhood – Part 16

By Monica M

Clothes are one of the hardest things to get right even for cisgender women. You need to consider what colors best suit you, what styles best fit your shape, what patterns and textures look good on you, what accessories you need and above all, how to best express your personality through your clothes.

These are a bewildering number of combinations and permutations. But, when your clothes reflect your authentic self, you will feel and act confident. You will look more feminine and you most certainly will pass easier.

On first look, you are tempted to throw your hands in the air and just choose at random because it just seems way too hard. But help is on hand. All you need is a strategy and person to provide that strategy for you is and that person is Ginger Burr. She is freaking amazing. I cannot speak too highly of her. She operates out of Boston, is openly gay and treats transgender clients just the way you want to be treated: like any other woman.

You can find Ginger here.

She has a home study course, day courses, monthly calls and lots more. She takes pains to suggest and find the best clothes and best jewelry for you. In truth, having Ginger in your life is like having a one-woman research department who really wants to see you looking your best.

The great thing for us transgender women is that when you become a client of hers, you get access to her forum, where you can post pictures of your outfits and get feedback and suggestions from Ginger and the other girls on the forum. It is an invaluable service and what transgender woman does not have lots of pictures of herself?

During her private consultations, Ginger will give you a palette of which colors best suit you. She will measure you for the Fashion Fit Formula, which determines the best length for skirts, sleeves, where you necklace should hang, etc., etc.

She will also work with you to find a series of words that best describe your personality, for example, quietly complex, not to be messed with, bohemian chic, reflected beauty. You then try and ensure that any outfit you wear (including accessories) match these words. When the outfit matches the words, you look and feel great. It really does work and it takes away all that stress about what is best to wear. I highly recommend it.

You can find more about the Fashion Fit Formula here.

One of the keys to looking good is good foundation wear and Ginger arranged for me to have a bra-fitting at Intimacy in Boston in October.

They did a fantastic job; I did not feel a bit embarrassed or weird. Now I have three bras which fit my breast forms and frame perfectly and I know I look good in them. I went in a 38C, came out a 40D and they fit snug and comfortably. I don't know why I am a D when my breast forms are C, but they are the best bras I have ever worn.

Ginger changed my clothes and thereby, changed my life by helping me really enjoy and love how I look.

I cannot leave the topic without mentioning padding. I look weird without padding; I am a real inverted triangle. With padding I look very authentic and that is how I want to look. I use the Veronica 5 from Classic Curves and it works really well for me.

This is my color palette from Ginger.

And this is an outfit that Ginger helped me select.

(Part 15 of One Person’s Journey to Womanhood appeared here.)

 

 

 

Wearing Bottega Veneta (dress), Dior (watch), Prada (boots) and Longchanp (suitcase).

 

 

 

Actor Kenneth More femulating for charity, circa 1960.

Video Me

This was totally unexpected!

While staffing our booth at Hamvention three weeks ago, a video crew from an online ham radio news website interviewed some of my peeps and the video from those interviews came online earlier this week.

Although I was not interviewed, I appear in some of the 51 minutes of video footage standing behind the person being interviewed. (If I knew I was being videotaped, I would have made an effort to increase my presence.)

You can watch all 51 minutes of video to see my appearances, but if you are not interested in the technologies being discussed, it might be boring. So to save you the trouble, I logged the times of my appearances and you can fast-forward to those times to see me.

Look for me in the polka dot dress standing behind the fellow being interviewed at time marks 3:16, 10:40, 16:00, 19:00, and 20:32. Later, I appear wearing my black and white print sheath at time mark 43:40. The last two (20:32 and 43:40) are probably the best of the bunch.

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

 

 

 

Wearing Lovers + Friends (skort) and Chinti and Parker (sweater).

 

 

 

Fashion designer and model Phillipe Blond.

One Person's Journey to Womanhood – Part 15

By Monica M

This is a short follow-up story to my embarrassing lobby walk incident. Almost one year to the day, I ended up in San Francisco again. By now, I had been through Esprit and Southern Comfort in Atlanta. While I was nowhere as confident as I am now, I was pretty gutsy.

I had never forgotten the lobby bellboy incident and it sometimes came back to haunt my dreams. I decided the best way to beat the ghost was to track it down to its lair.

Off I went en femme to the same hotel. What would you know? The same bellboy was on duty that day. I walked up to him, handed my camera to him and asked him to take a photo in the lobby.

I don't know what he thought, but he did not say anything apart from “Sure, Ma’am. Just here?”

And, here it is one year later! I don't think I pass particularly well in this photo, but it seemed to work. After he had taken the photo, I went to the ladies' restroom (you can see its door over my left shoulder). It was the first time I had ever been to a ladies' room in public. I looked upon it as my revenge for the embarrassment. It put the ghost to rest!

(Part 14 of One Person’s Journey to Womanhood appeared here.)

 

 

 

Wearing ViX.

 

 

 

Model Rickard Engfors.

Got to hand it to you

I have woman's hands.

My fingers are long and thin. My knuckles are not big or misshapen from manly manual labor.

Moreover, my index fingers are longer than my ring fingers.

In most women, the index and ring finger are roughly equal in length or the index finger is just a bit longer. But in most men, the ring finger is longer. That's a result of fetal exposure to testosterone (or lack thereof).

In 2006, the Max Planck Institute of Psychiatry in Munich performed a study comparing the index and ring fingers of 63 male-to-female transsexuals with 65 female and 58 male control subjects. The study found that the index and ring fingers of male-to-female transsexuals were more likely to match the control females than the control males.

In other words, in male-to-female transsexuals as in cisgender women, the index and ring finger are roughly equal in length or the index finger is just a bit longer.

We were born that way.

 

 

 

Wearing Donna Karen.

 

 

 

Actor Peter Barton femulating with big hair on television’s Sunset Beach in 1998.

One Person's Journey to Womanhood – Part 14

By Monica M

The third of the software skills is presentation and I shall cover my ideas and experience of this in two postings: one on makeup and one on dress.

My feelings, overall, are that you need to minimize as much as possible the areas where one differs from genetic woman otherwise, why try to pass at all?

There are enough areas where we differ and nothing (not even radical surgery) can change: for example, square jaw, big hands, big feet, etc. The more areas where you deviate from the female norm, the quicker you get read. You never get read for just one thing; in my experience, it is a combination of signs that give you away.

Before even thinking about makeup, one needs to get one's skin properly in condition. Everybody has their own ideas on this and Stana has often told us of various products from the Avon range that she believes in. My personal preference is Demalogica as that is the first one I came across when I had my first dermabrasion.

Following on from one of Stana's posts on the benefits of dermabrasion, I was determined to get such a treatment done when I was next away from home. The place I chose was also an agent for Dermalogica. My technician did a skin analysis on me and recommended a Dermalogica regime for my skin. I told her I was transgender and she did not even smile. It was no big deal.

I followed her suggestions religiously and gradually, over about a year, my skin quality really changed. It did become more soft and with less big pores and less wrinkles. It really does make me look 10 year younger relative to my male peer group.

Now, whenever I go to San Francisco and am spending some serious time en femme, I go and have my eyebrows plucked and my face dermabraded. I have a wonderful technician in Maria Mameesh who works at Sanctuary Spa at the Bay Club, she knows I am transgender. If you go, see her and be sure to say “Hi” from me.

Makeup is one of those areas where you can easily get into a routine and often it is hard to see that your routine is not suiting you. I am sure that Stana will have lots to say on this whole topic and would love to hear her comments.

Except from the makeovers in 2005, from which I learned almost nothing, I have watched makeup lessons at Esprit and at Southern Comfort. I have followed the suggestions in Art and Illusion and I have had two different professional makeovers.

I have learned a lot from the professionals but, in truth, I have learned more from MAC makeovers that I have had. I had a wonderful one in Boston in October. I booked it just before lunch, my BFF BA (non-transgender) booked one for the same time slot and we really enjoyed ourselves.

The fact that I was transgender did not bother the MAC person in the slightest. When I sat in the chair, she handed me some wipes and told me to take off all my makeup. Gulp! In the middle of the shop! A few years ago I would have died at the suggestion (take off my beard cover!), but now, tra-la-la.

She did a wonderful job on me and even BA, who is skilled in this area, agreed. She really brought out the female in me. I nearly cried when I saw the result. It took me back to my original Padora dePledge makeover.

I intend, now, to get a MAC makeover every year or so. You learn so much each time. For the MAC makeover, you do need to pay or to agree to purchase a set amount of product. I doubt that MAC is any better than the others but I feel better there. Stana, as I have said, would be a much better guide than me in this area.

I thought I would finish by giving you my morning and nightly facial routine, which really works for me. Maybe others might like to share their routines below in the Comment section.

At night I use the precleanse with a special sponge cloth to remove all my makeup. I then use the special cleansing gel and the daily microfoliant on my Clarisonic brush. Then I apply the micro-needle roller all over my face and forehead. Next I apply the daily resurfacer and the multi-vitamin power serum and follow that with the super-rich repair and the age reversal eye complex. I know that seems a lot. And probably I am over doing it, but the results please me.

In the morning, I use the Clarsionic again with the special cleansing gel and then follow up with the Nu-face machine. Then I apply a moisturizer from Whole Foods that I like. The Clarisonic and Nu-face have brought my skin to an even higher level and I cannot recommend them too highly.

Next time, I will discuss dress.

(Part 13 of One Person’s Journey to Womanhood appeared here.)

 

 

 

Wearing Lapina.

 

 

 

Sha Na Na femulates as chorus girls in a 1978 episode of their television show.

One Person's Journey to Womanhood – Part 13

By Monica M

I said earlier that I started taking the whole presenting as a woman seriously in middle to late 2009 as I prepared for Esprit. For anybody who despairs about learning to apply makeup or to dress and present acceptably as a woman, here are my photos from my first experiment of making myself up (as opposed to being done professionally!). I look back and despair; I actually thought that I was doing OK and this was only five years ago! Truly, the journey never ends.

These were taken within a month of each other. Learning points: bushy eyebrows, unplucked and uncolored eyebrows, male glasses, rough skin, no contouring, no beard cover to mention, messy lipstick, nylon wig.

I am living proof that you can start from nowhere and present much better than this!

As I have said, the idea when we got to San Francisco was to go en femme to Hansen Fontana to buy a real hair wig. My wife did not want to go down to the lobby with me, so I went down myself and was to wait for her at the corner of the next block. (I cannot believe now how uncomfortable we all felt. It was as if we were peddling drugs or porn or something.)

So, here I am in this photo, all innocent and untainted and ready for my very first day in the world as Monica (I have made this day my “Monica birthday”). There is no look on my face of the horror and embarrassment that is going to befall me in ten minutes! Learning points: poor makeup, wig not long enough, scarf highlighting the square jaw, purse too small, sunglasses on indoors, dress too drab for the hotel.

So I stand facing the door with my hand on the handle taking deep breaths to steady my nerves. My wife kisses me goodbye and wishes me the best. I feel like I am going over the top and into battle in the First World War. I am right!

I peep through the peephole and the coast is clear. I open the door and walk to the elevator as femininely as I can, which means shaking my ass in some peculiar way (what was I thinking?!?) (Note that this is before any movement training, etc.)

I wait, holding my breath and praying, hoping that the elevator is empty. It is. I press lobby and down I go.

I am in such a rush to get through the lobby and out into the street that I almost bowl over one of the hotel managers as I speedily make my way from the elevator lobby to the main lobby. He looks at me in an odd manner and I am conscious of him looking at me. I hope it is just because I am in a hurry and nearly floor him. I am wrong!

As I enter the main lobby, the bellboy is walking towards me. He is tall, athletic and probably 25. As soon as he sees me, he turns on his heel and walks back to the other young guys at the bellhop station all the time pointing back at me through his body. He thinks I cannot see him pointing at me and smirking, but while I can only see his back from where I am, his profile is reflected in the mirrors behind the main desk and I can see everything.

By this time, my heart is beating faster than hummingbird’s wings. Help! What do I do? I continue to walk to the front door, where he has now placed himself and opens it with a theatrical sweep and smirking says, “This way, Madam”.

By now, I know that I am not passing even at the beginners’ level. I opt to bluff it out. I could not think of another strategy!

“Thank you, my good man,” I say and I politely bow to him as I exit the front door.

So, I am on the street and in the crowed. The thought that I have to run that gauntlet in reverse almost unnerves me. I go to the appointed corner and wait for my wife. She appears in a few minutes. We exchange stories and head off. She does not want to walk with me; so, she stays a few paces behind. We have about three blocks to walk.

We enter Bryant Street where Hansen Fontana is located and it must have been my lucky day! The street is being dug up and there are lots of guys with hard hats and shovels hanging around and digging, etc. My heart sinks for the second time except now it sinks even lower because I know I don't pass at all!

I say, “God, if you want to take me, this would be a really good time!”

She ignores my prayer and I live on to walk through the second gauntlet. I am expecting cat calls and whistles. Nothing happens: I had forgotten, this is San Francisco… nobody cares; they have seen it all before.

We get to Hansens and choose a wig. Victoria cuts the wig to the style that best suits me (Victoria is great; she does all my wigs now). I put it on and head the long way back to the hotel practicing my mincing feminine walk, my wife a few paces behind pretending that she is not with me and surveying those who see me to see how well I am passing; much better than with the nylon wig is her conclusion.

I get back to the hotel. The same bellboy is there as I push through the revolving doors. He does a double-take. He is not smirking and this time, he is really unsure if I am a guy in a dress or not. I breeze past, into the elevator, go to my room and take this shot.

One of the most embarrassing and nerve-racking days of my life is nearly over! I get my makeup off, get into my guy clothes and head down to the street where my wife is waiting in a coffee shop. The bellboy ignores me. I live to fight another day.

(Part 12 of One Person’s Journey to Womanhood appeared here.)

 

 

 

Wearing Torn by Ronny Kobo.

 

 

 

A femulator strikes a pose in the early 1960s.