Happy Mother's Day

"Everyone thinks we're sisters, but actually, we're mother and son." (from New Yorker)

Mom was the most influential person in my life and influenced my penchant for crossdressing in a number of ways.

She was beautiful and did not need makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were all she ever used. I know because I enjoyed watching her put on her minimal makeup.

She always dressed like a fashionable lady and that was difficult to accomplish because money was tight when I was a kid. As a result, Mom sewed her own clothes, as well as clothes for my sister.

I guess I was jealous of my sister and wished that Mom would sew something for me, but there were few sewing patterns for boys' clothing. However, I would have been perfectly happy if she sewed a pretty dress for me like she did for my sister.

My Dad was a great guy, but he was not around much when I was growing up. He worked all the overtime he could get to make ends meet. For a few years, he also had a second job.

I can remember way back to my earliest memories when I actually thought that my father was a visitor because his appearances at home during my waking hours were so rare. So, during my formative years, Dad was at work, while my Mom was at home raising my sister and me.

Since I was raised in an environment where the father figure was absent most of the time, it is no wonder that I tended to follow in the footsteps of the only parental figure available to me, my Mom. As a result, I admired her and wanted to do the things she did. I did not know it at the time, but she was my role model.

I was a creative kid and Mom encouraged my creative side. I loved sports, especially baseball, but I was not very good at it (I could hit the ball a mile, but I threw "like a girl"). So early on, I knew where my strengths laid.

I spent a lot of time writing and drawing and my mother supported and encouraged me. Eventually, I became a successful professional writer with a lot of thanks going to Mom.

I looked like my Mom's side of the family and inherited many of her features like her long legs and her facial features. When I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like her; people would mistake us for mother and daughter, i.e., if she were alive and I dressed en femme in her presence.

Besides influencing my creative side, she also influenced my penchant for being feminine.

Mom often commented that because I had such nice legs, I should have been a girl. If she had made that comment once, I probably would have forgotten about it, but it seemed to me that she made that comment whenever she saw my legs bare. Don't you think that may have influenced me?

She also made comments about the way I walked. She said I "tippy-toed," i.e., I walked on my toes. I assumed from her comments that tippy-toeing was not the correct way for a male to walk, but I did not know how to walk any other way. She never showed me how I was supposed to walk, so I just kept on tippy-toeing.

I don't tippy-toe any longer. As I grew older, I must have figured out how to walk like a male. However, all my early years tippy-toeing may have facilitated my walking in high heels because ever since I slipped on my first pair of pumps, I never had a problem walking in heels.

I did not think that Mom knew about my crossdressing, because she never broached the subject despite the fact that I often got into her stuff and even ruined some items that I found out the hard way, were too small for me. I was very much in the closet then and I was just as happy that she did not know. But, she knew.

As newlyweds, my wife and I crossdressed for a Halloween party and when I mentioned our party plans to Mom over the phone, she asked if I had taken my box of "stuff" with me when I moved out.

I don't recall my response, but at that moment, I knew she knew. She never mentioned it again and neither did I.

However, once in awhile right up to her death, she would ask me, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I always thought she was referring to my crossdressing when she asked and I always said, "No."

In retrospect, I wish I had confided in Mom about me becoming a woman. She was so loving and so supportive that I think she would have helped me. (She was a great seamstress by the way and I can only dream about the outfits she might have sewn for her male daughter.) But, I did not confide in her and I regret it now.

But, if there is a heaven, I am sure Mom smiles down on me when she sees her firstborn dressed en femme enjoying her time as a woman.

So, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Your Loving Daughter,

Stana

May 2011 Famous Females of Height Update

This month's update of the Famous Females of Height List adds a new tall woman to the list and updates another who had made the list in the past.

Our newest addition to the list is 5'9" actress Alexandra Maria Lara, who appeared in the film The Reader.

Our update is a simple name change: 5'10" Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, nee Kate Middleton (see accompanying photo).

Inserts Inconclusive

I bought a pair of Dr. Dr. Scholl's “For Her Ball of Foot Cushions" last week and had two occasions to try them out.

On Saturday, I wore pumps with 4-inch stiletto heels for 8 hours. I was on my feet all morning on Saturday and by noon, my feet hurt badly. For the rest of the day, I went barefoot whenever I could.

On Tuesday, I wore pumps with 3-inch chunky heels for 10 hours. I shopped in the morning, but was off my feet most of the afternoon and evening. My feet felt fine until the very end of the day when the toe I stubbed two weeks ago began to ache.

Did the inserts make a difference?

It is hard to say.

You might conclude that....

1. The inserts did not help on Saturday, but did help on Tuesday, or

2. The pumps I wore on Tuesday were more comfortable than the pumps I wore on Saturday, or

3. My activity on Saturday was more stressful on my feet than my activity on Tuesday, or

4. A combination of all of the above.

I think the fourth conclusion might be the correct one. A true test would be to wear the same pair of shoes with and without the inserts for the same period of time, but this is not a scientific experiment and so it goes.

Nonetheless, I do plan to continue to wear the inserts.

Saved The Best For Last

I was dressed and out the door at 9:45 AM.

My main goal for the day was to attend two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University. Each semester, the class has a trans day and invites trans folks to tell their stories and then field questions from the students. The first class was at 12:20 PM, so I had some time to shop for shoes before meeting Diana to carpool to Southern.

First stop was DSW. They had many of the shoe styles I was looking for, but none in my size. So, I searched for anything in my size, but found nothing. I did find three pairs in the non-wide version of my size and tried them on. Sometimes the non-wides fit, but that was not the case at DSW yesterday.

Next stop was the mall. Online I saw some shoes at JCPenney that interested me, so that was where I intended to shop. I parked my car at the Nordstrom entrance, entered the mall through Nordstrom and lo and behold, their shoe department was in my way. I could not resist, so I looked around and found some shoes that I liked.

A saleman greeted me and I asked him what was the biggest size shoe that they stocked.

He replied that they had heels as high as six inches!

I laughed and explained that I was referring to shoe size, not heel height.

He laughed, then asked me what size I needed.

I told him the size and styles I was interested in and he went into the stock room to find what he could find.

Ten minutes passed and I was about to give up on him, but then he returned to the sales floor with a stack of ten shoeboxes; all in my size, but not in wide.

I went through his finds and eliminated about half of them on the basis of style. Then I tried on the remainder, but none of them fit. The salesman checked to see if any of them came in wide, but none of them did.

I thanked him for his help and walked through the mall to JCPenney. There I found the shoes that I saw online and asked the saleswoman if they had them in my size. She went into the stockroom, but came back empty-handed.

It was getting late, so I exited the mall, returned to my car, drove to Diana's house, got into her car, and she drove to Southern.

We arrived at the classroom and found 30 students and two other trans women, who we had done this with before. Usually, there are one or two female-to-males, but not this time, so it was just us four trans males-to-females to do the job.

The students in the two classes asked a lot of questions and in general, seemed comfortable interacting with us. I can recall only one question that I had not heard asked before, i.e., did I ever have an altercation with a male while I was en femme? My answer was "no."

Between classes, we had snacks at the student center with Professor Schildroth and talked about friends, acquaintances, and what is going on in the local trans community.

After classes, we read the students' evaluations of our presentations. Many of the students admit that we were the first trans people they have ever encountered. Just as many commented that the encounter left them with a very positive impression regarding trans people. The biggest revelation for a lot of them was that being trans does not mean being gay.

A few comments indicated that there was still some confusion, but in general, the evaluations indicated that we did a good job.

After the second class, three of us went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and then we went home.

I saved the best part of the day for last.

After the first class, a female student approached me. She said that when I entered the class, she thought I was a woman, not a trans woman, but a born woman.

Thank you, I thought to myself, but then she added that besides thinking I was a born woman, I was also the most beautiful older adult woman that she had ever seen in person!

I thanked her profusely aloud as she examined my presentation real up close now. She thought I was about 45 years old and she was very surprised when I revealed that I was 60 (even up close).

Then she told me something very personal that I will not repeat here. I thought I detected her eyes beginning to well up.

The encounter became so emotional for me that I cannot remember if I gave her hug or not. (If I didn't, I should have.)

Those few minutes with her were priceless to me and I will remember her forever.

Out Tuesday and A Visit With HR

Out Tuesday

Tomorrow, I will participate in two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven.

Typically, four to eight trans people show up for this event. Professor Schildroth introduces us to the class, we each give a short biography, and then the students ask questions.

Sometimes the students have lots of questions and sometimes getting them to ask questions is like pulling teeth!

You never know, but either way, our participation gives us an opportunity to do outreach amongst the civilian population. To evangelize the fact that trans people are just like everybody else... maybe with just a little more fashion-sense.

A Visit With HR

After attending the Transgender Health and Law Conference on Saturday, I had questions for my Human Resource (HR) representative at work.

Before going into see my HR rep, I double-checked the employee handbook and as I remembered, there were no references to "gender identification" or "transgender."

I was concerned with the contradictory messages I thought I received from my HR rep on the two occasions I spoke to her about being transgender. I asked my rep about what I perceived as mixed messages.

Her reply was that there was no company policy regarding transgender or gender identity. On the other hand, she believed that the company would support my gender identity because it has always fully supported its gay employees.

She was very sympathetic and supportive. I don't think she was just humoring me, but you never know.

I thought about sending her a photo of myself en femme to show that I am presentable, but I hesitated to do so because I did not think it was the right thing to do at this time.

I did send her information about the bill in our state legislature that she was unaware of concerning the extension of the state's non-discrimination laws to cover transgenders.

And so it goes.

Transgender Health and Law Conference

Yesterday, I attended Connecticut TransAdvocacy Coalition's annual Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference at the UConn Health Center in Farmington, CT. I never saw so many tall women and short men in one place at one time!

Kidding aside, it was a great conference. I worked the registration table most of the morning, so I had an opportunity to meet many of the attendees. One hundred ninety-five had preregistered and there were approximately 35 walk-ins, so attendance was about 230, which is a 43% increase in attendance over last year's 160.

The crowd was evenly divided between women and men; there also was a good representation of our allies.

After my work was done, I ate lunch with Tanya, Melissa, and Vickie. I met Tanya at Fantasia Fair last October; she reads this blog religiously, so here's a shout-out to Tanya! Melissa and Vickie were new acquaintances. We all had a nice discussion over lunch.

After lunch, I attended one workshop in the afternoon concerning transgenders in the workplace. The presenters are involved in CABO, the Connecticut Alliance for Business Opportunities, LGBT Chamber of Commerce. Coming from an employer's perspective, they evangelized the hiring of LGBTs.

Most of the audience had an employee perspective, so members of the audience talked about their concerns. The discussion was so interesting that the session ran over its allotted time.

I stopped by CABO's booth afterwards and continued the discussion. I was so motivated by it all that I am seriously considering pursuing the establishment of an LGBT group at work for the good of my LGBT co-workers as well as myself.

I had been up since 4:45 AM, had worked hard in heels all morning, and by mid-afternoon, I was too pooped to Polka, so I left the premises at 2:30 PM after having a very rewarding day.

(I apologize for running the same candid photo as I ran yesterday, but hands down, it beats all of my posed photos taken at the conference. And again, thank you Jamie Dailey for taking some photos without twisting your arm!)

Earlier Today

A candid photo of me during a lull at the registration table at Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference earlier today. (photo by Jamie Dailey)

Nailing A Bargain

Today, I shopped during my lunch hour. Pantyhose, stick-on finger nails, and cushion inserts for my high heels were on my shopping list.

At Wal*Mart, I scored three pairs of L'eggs nude pantyhose in my size and a package of Dr. Scholl's “For Her Ball of Foot Cushions,” but no stick-on nails.

At Rite-Aid, I lucked out because they have my favorite brand of stick-on nails (Kiss) and they were on sale --- buy one set and get the second at half price. I bought four sets, which means I got one set for free.

If you use Kiss stick-on nails like I do, this is a good deal. But I believe the sale ends when they shut the stores on Saturday, so get down to your local Rite Aid ASAP.

By the way, I am trying shoe cushion inserts for the first time since my friend Patty recommended them. After I test them on Saturday, I will let you know how my feet feel after wearing heels all day long. My high heel foot pain, if any, is usually at the ball of my feet, never the heels and never the toes, so I hope Dr. Scholl's will make a difference.

Just Like Keira Knightley

I had a unibrow when I started to get serious about femulating (and I started to get serious about femulating about the time I stepped out of the house femulated for the first time and it was not Halloween.)

I did not have a solid unibrow, but there were enough hairs above the bridge of my nose that it was not very ladylike. So early on, I took a razor to that patch of hair.

In boy mode, nobody noticed that I now had two distinct eyebrows. (Wearing eyeglasses in boy mode also helped to disguise my eyebrow feminization.)

Emboldened, I bought eyebrow tweezers and an eyebrow trimmer. With the tweezers, I attacked the stray hairs and with the trimmer, I shortened any hairs that had grown to unruly, unladylike lengths.

The result was neater and more feminine brows. And in boy mode, nobody noticed.

Further emboldened, I began using the tweezers to thin my brows. I only thinned along the bottoms, never the tops because I had read on a number of occasions that you should not pluck along the tops of your brows.

Still nobody noticed, so I kept on thinning and the result was a perfect feminine sweeping curve along the bottom of my brows, while the top was not so perfect.

I was a little frustrated until I visited our public library and took out a book titled Beautiful Brows: The Ultimate Guide to Styling, Shaping, and Maintaining Your Eyebrows by Nancy Parker and Nancy Kalish.

The book deflated the advice about not plucking above your eyebrows and said to go ahead and pluck above, as well as below.

Immediately after reading that passage, I dropped the book, went to the bathroom, and plucked all the strays above my eyebrows!

Now my eyebrows, both tops and bottoms looked neat and feminine and since then, I continued to pluck and thin above and below.

Last week, while I was doing my makeup, I noticed how feminine my eyebrows had become. I realized that  I could stop shaping my eyebrows and just maintain what I have achieved.

I know this is such a minor matter in the grand scheme of things, but every little feminine matter counts when you are trying to feel as comfortable as you can in your skin.

Oh, by the way, in boy mode, nobody ever noticed or at least, nobody ever mentioned it.

Wednesday Wonderings

I read today where a Florida male high school student got in trouble for wearing high heels.

According to the report, Tampa Riverview High School principal Bob Heilman feared that the boy was being bullied and convinced the student to remove the heels for his own safety.

"The high heels didn’t violate any particular dress code, the principal conceded.

"While some of the high school students agreed with the principal, others felt that the student should just be allowed to wear what he likes."

Another boy wore a dress on Monday, according to Heilman.

"After we chatted, he decided not to do that. I was concerned about his safety."

(Photo source: The New Male Fashion For The Alternative Man)

---

To work Tuesday, I wore a flowing long-sleeved vee-neck burgundy tunic with a hem just covering my derriere over tight black jeans and black flats. No one commented on my outfit.

Also, I have been wearing a red-tinted lip balm since my recent bout with a cold. I started wearing the lip balm because my lips were getting chapped.

I so liked the look and feel of something lipstick-like on my lips (a little daily feminine touch) that I have continued wearing lip balm after recovering from my cold. 

---

I continue to use the ANEW Lash-Transforming Serum from Avon. I only apply it once a day --- in the morning before I moisturize --- rather than twice per day as I did when I started using it last May. My eyelashes continue to grow and fill out.

My eyelashes are a light shade, so I have to look closely to notice the change in boy mode. But apply some mascara and Wow! --- the change is spectacular!

---

Lately, my wife has been referring to me as “she.”

I am not sure why.

She seldom sees me dressed en femme. In deference to her, I do not dress en femme around the house; I only dress en femme at home to go out.

Am I so womanly now that I don’t need female clothing to throw off a female vibe?

Try On His High Heels, Too

Transgender Health and Law Conference

Transgender Lives, The Intersection of Health and Law Conference, takes place this Saturday, April 30, at the UConn Health Center in Farmington, CT.

Check out the line-up of presentations; they are all about the important things that affect each one of us. So, if you are in the area, you should attend the conference and if you are not in the area, you should think about making an effort to attend.

The conference site is strategically located on I-84 exactly halfway between Boston and New York City (110 miles either way).   

I volunteered to help out and will be working the registration desk throughout the day. If you attend the conference, please say "Hello" if you see me.

Many Happy Returns

Reviewing my day out shopping en femme on Thursday, I mentioned I was having buyer's remorse over the first dress I purchased that day: a long-sleeved A-line black and white that I purchased at Kohl's.

Truth be told, I bought that dress because I was a little desperate. After trying on a bunch of dresses at Kohl's, it was the best of the batch of the dresses that fit properly. I bought the dress just in case I was unable to find anything else that day.

As it turned out, I bought seven other dresses that day and they were all better than the one I bought at Kohl's, so I returned the dress for a refund today.

I also revisited my other purchases.

I loved the two dresses I bought at JCPenney, i.e., the little black empire dress and the black and white print sheath, which I wore out Thursday evening, as seen in the accompanying photo.

The JCPenney dresses were keepers, but I took a long hard look at my Dress Barn purchases.

I began to hate the way I looked in one dress (the belted white sateen shirt dress) and the thrill was gone with another dress (the black and white speckled print A-line), so I returned both for a refund today.

So I now have five new dresses instead of eight and $112 in my purse to spend on new shoes next time I am out shopping en femme.

Transition Wisely

I received an e-mail this morning with the subject "Transition Wisely."

At first blush, I was surprised to find an e-mail on that subject in my male e-mail in-box, then I realized it was an advertisement from Bluefly, a clothing retailer.

I was very amused!

I hope everyone has a great holiday!

Love, Stana

Dinner and Cocktails

After my morning and afternoon shopping en femme, I returned to my motel room to pick out a dress from my purchases to wear to dinner and cocktails Thursday evening.

When I was trying on the sleeveless A-line black and white print at JCPenney, I thought then that it would be the dress to wear to dinner. But I tried on all my purchases anyway, modeled them for my photographer (Mr. Canon Self-Timer), and decided that my initial choice was correct.

I rested awhile, touched up my face with my electric razor, and freshened my makeup laying on a few extra layers all around for a more glamorous evening look. The accompanying photo shows the results.

My editor, Miss K, has wanted to attend the Real Art Ways Creative Cocktail Hour for awhile, so we made plans to go together. I suggested that we dine out beforehand.

At 5 PM, we met at a Mexican restaurant. Over dinner, Miss K revealed to me that nearly everyone at the organization I freelance for knows about me being transgender. I dunno if one of the three people I outed myself to let the cat out of the bag or whether my en femme appearance at the Dayton convention last year got back to the organization headquarters and spread throughout the building.

Either way, I do not mind at all.

Coincidentally, I was early getting to the restaurant and while I was waiting for Miss K, I thought about driving over to the organization's headquarters which is nearby and introducing the staff to Stana. If I knew that most of the staff already knew, I would have definitely made an appearance.

I also discovered that Miss K was under the impression that the Creative Cocktail Hour was a transgender event. I did mention early on that usually a dozen or so transgenders show up; I guess she misinterpreted that comment.

After dinner, I led our two-car convoy to the site of the cocktail party. The party was well underway with the parking lot already half full and the attendees filling up at the bar. (FYI, Miss K and I had one drink each.)

As luck would have it, there was a dearth of transgenders while we were there. I counted four girls that I knew; if there were others, I missed them or they passed.

We strolled around the complex checking out the eclectic collection of art and attendees. While we were viewing one of the exhibits, I had the rare experience of a male trying to engage me in conversation. He was middle-aged, but probably younger than me. We chatted for a few minutes about the exhibit and that was the end of it.

I was tired, so I sat the remainder of time and chatted with Miss K and my transgender friends. I had the longest conversation with Miss J, a post-op male-to-female transwoman. It was enlightening to me because I mentioned how trans is on my mind all the time, whereas it was not the same for Miss J.

I always assumed that being trans was always on a transgenders' mind before transitioning; that transitioning was a relief and permitted them to move on. Does that mean that if I transitioned, I would continue to dwell on the the subject, not be relieved, and not move on? It is something to think about (as if I needed something else to think about).

Miss K asked me if I was happy and I told her that when I am en femme, I am happier than I am at any other time. She then said to me that when she looks at me, she sees a woman, whereas that is not necessarily the case when she looks at other transwomen.

"Wow!" I thought to myself.

Miss K called it quits about 8 PM and I did the same about 8:30. I said my goodbyes and drove off into the sunset thinking about another great day en femme.

Yesterday, All My Dresses Seemed So Far Away

I had a big day out en femme yesterday!

My plans were to do some shopping, dine and attend the monthly cocktail party at Real Art Ways.

Since the venue for my plans were all in the Hartford area, I decided to stay in an inexpensive motel in the area rather than drive back and forth to my home. The money I saved on gas almost paid for the room.

It was windy and unseasonably cool yesterday. I wore my Victoria's Secret lightweight sweater dress, black tights, black heels, and black sweater coat.

I was out the door about 10 AM.

My shopping goal was to buy new dresses for my trip to Dayton and other womanly outings during the upcoming months. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I bought eight new dresses!

Seven Dresses of April (click on the image to enlarge it)

My first stop was Kohl's. I was interested in some of the cute dresses they have been showing in their recent ads. I found some of the advertised dresses, but none in my size. However, I did find some in my size that had potential.

After three trips to the changing room, I bought a long-sleeved A-line dress with a black and white print (first dress on the left in the photo). I love black and white prints, but I am having buyer's remorse over this dress.

I left Kohl's and drove to the mall, where I intended to peruse the dress racks at JCPenney. I parked my car at the mall and walked into JCPenney. As I headed to the dress racks, a 30-something male store employee checked me out and as I walked away from him, he began singing "I'm in love."

That was nice!

I found a half dozen dresses of interest and hauled them all to the changing room. They were all the same size, but only two fit: a Vee-neck empire "little black dress" (second dress in the photo) and a sleeveless A-line black and white print. I bought both, exited the mall, and drove across the street to Dress Barn.

When shopping at Kohl's or JCPenney, you are on your own, but at Dress Barn, the staff is more attentive (my guess is that they work on commission). They help you find what you need, set up your own personal changing room, fetch another size if the item you are trying on is the wrong size, etc., etc.

I found four dresses of interest, carried them to my personal changing room and was very disappointed --- they were all too small.

This has been my experience at Dress Barn lately. Whereas, their size Misses 16 usually fit me in the past, now their Misses 16 no longer fit. I have not gained any weight, so the store must have adjusted their sizing.

As I headed to the Woman Size side of the store, I asked the saleswoman about it and she acknowledged that my suspicions were correct.

She then helped me find some dresses on the Woman Size side, I found a few myself, and hauled eight dresses to my changing room. They all fit and I liked five enough to purchase (the five dresses on the right in the photo).

• Belted white sateen shirt dress (third dress in the photo)

• Navy menswear ruffle color dress (fourth dress)

• Black jacquard sheath dress (fifth dress)

• Black and white speckled print A-line dress (sixth dress)

• Two tone (navy blue and white) graphic print shift with a boat neck and spliced short sleeves (seventh dress )

After over four hours of shopping, I was tired, so I returned to the motel to rest awhile before going out for dinner. I brought my purchases to my room to try them on again and decide what to wear for dinner and cocktail partying.

In my room, I realized I was very thirsty, so I left my room to go find the vending machines. When I got to the vending room, I discovered that I needed my electronic room key to access the vending room and then it hit me that I had left the key in my room.

I asked a cleaning woman if she could let me into my room, but she said I had to go to the front desk to get a new key.

Nuts! I was in boy mode when I checked in and now I was in girl mode, so the situation was not giving me the warm fuzzies. I hoped that someone new was working the front desk, but lo and behold, the same woman who had checked me in was working the desk.

I explained my situation to her and I could tell that she did not recognize me. She asked for my room number and last name and  looked quizzical when I responded. I told her I looked different now and she literally lit up when she finally recognized me. As she handed me my new key, she said, "You look very pretty!"

I thanked her profusely, bought an iced tea in the vending area, and returned to my room to model my dresses and pick one to wear for the evening.

Out Yesterday

I had a wonderful day and evening out en femme yesterday and I will have a fill report here shortly.

In the meantime, I leave you with a photo from yesterday morning minutes before I went out.

Out of Here!

Yay! I am finally going out en femme on Thursday. Shopping, dining, etc., etc.

A full report and photos will follow.

Not So Fast

In my most recent posts here, I evidently gave some people the impression that I was transitioning real soon now.

I wish that were true, but it is not. I am ready to transition, have been for some time now, but my circumstances are such that I don't see it happening in the near future unless something changes.

I am sorry if I misled anyone.

My Circumstances

In response to yesterday's post, I received e-mails wondering about how my wife feels about being married to a feminine man.

I have always been feminine. I was a feminine boy, a feminine teenager, and a feminine adult (and I have the scars to prove it).

My wife fell in love with me, a feminine man. She never tried to change me while we were dating, nor during our 30 years of marriage.

Early in our relationship, she encouraged my dressing en femme. She bought me "pink" gifts and suggested I find and join a support group. I flourished as a woman because of my wife.

My wife has a debilitating disease. The disease inflicted her years before we met and I was aware of it going into our marriage.

Over the years, the disease has taken a toll on my wife. As her condition worsened, she became less supportive of my dressing en femme; as her health issues become more burdensome, she wanted to be free of the burden of my transgender issues.

Today, she accepts my need to express my transgenderness by dressing en femme, but she is not happy about it. As a result, I do not dress en femme as often as I would like. I do the best that I can under the circumstances.

I often wonder where I'd be today if her support and encouragement had continued.

On a related note concerning yesterday's post, my desire to "transition" is nothing new. I have felt that way for a few years now, that is, the desire to live 24/7 as a woman.

And my version of "transition" does not involve hormones or surgery; electrolysis would be the only intrusion I would allow to make my body more feminine.

My transition would simply be a matter of replacing my male wardrobe with a female wardrobe and living my life as the woman I was meant to be.

And so it goes. 

In the Meantime

I am ready. I want to transition and start living 24/7 as a woman tomorrow morning. But circumstances prevent this from happening... at least for now.

In the meantime, I will relish every opportunity that comes my way to be en femme.

But what do I do during the time I cannot be en femme? The answer: Be a feminine guy.

I am already feminine in many ways. I often say that I am the most feminine guy most people I know know. But I wondered how I could step it up, that is, be more feminine.

So I searched for an answer and Miss Google revealed a webpage that describes "How to Be a Feminine Guy."

I already follow most of its recommendations to one degree or another. And here are some things that I do that are not on the list:

- Speak softly and carry a big purse

- Wear jewelry: necklaces, bracelets, earrings, etc.

- Paint nails with a clear lacquer

- Wear feminine underwear, that is, panties and camis, or if need be, shapewear (girdles, bras, etc.)

- Use feminized mannerisms, specifically, carriage, posture, and hand and arm placement

- Wear female footwear; flats will do, but something with a little heel is even better

- Curl eyelashes and thin eyebrows

- Wear feminine hosiery; knee-highs, tights, and pantyhose (depending on how much leg will show)

So in the meantime, girls, be the most feminine male you can be!

Updates

Today, I updated the Womanless Archive and the New York City page of My Ephemera.

Transitioning Smart

Calie of Calie's Chronicles fame has an excellent post about using your head if and when you transition.

I highly recommend it and urge you to read her wise words.

Miss S

Affirmation is a wonderful thing!

Earlier today, I e-mailed a friend of mine. In the e-mail, I called her "Miss K."

In her responding e-mail, she called me "Miss S."

It was just a little gesture, but it made my day!

I've known this friend, a genetic female, for nearly ten years. For most of that time, she knew me only in male mode.

I came out to her about a year ago and she has been very supportive.

We have plans to go out to dinner soon (both of us en femme). Dinner is on me.

Booth Babe Wear

I am looking for one or two new outfits to wear when I am working the booth at the Dayton, Ohio, Hamvention next month.

I touched upon this last week, but was unable to resolve anything because I caught something and felt too ill to go out to shop en femme.

I am not sure if I had a cold, an allergy attack, or a combination of the two. Whatever it was, it is still with me; it's not as bad as last week, but still annoying and very tiring.

So I want to look professional for my presentation at the booth.

I don't look good in suits. In my opinion, I think I look frumpy when I wear suits.

On the other hand, I think dresses look good on me. So my search begins in the dress racks, sizes 14 and 16.

Wish me luck!

Pink Toenails

(updated below)

Currently, there is a brouhaha concerning a J. Crew advertisement that depicts a Mom painting her son's toenails pink (because it is his favorite color).

One hockey puck claims that the advertisement is "blatant propaganda celebrating transgendered children."

The puck continues, "Propaganda pushing the celebration of gender-confused boys wanting to dress and act like girls is a growing trend, seeping into mainstream culture."

Another hockey puck warns, "Put some money aside for psychotherapy for the kid—and maybe a little for others who’ll be affected by your 'innocent' pleasure."

I cheer the celebration of transgender children!

If there was a celebration of T-kids when I was young, maybe my generation of trangender brothers and sisters would not be so fouled up as some of us are (present company included). And maybe my T-generation would not have to fear for our lives whenever we attempt to live the genders we were born to be, not the genders we were forced to be.

I jeer the proposition that painting a boy's toenails pink will cause that boy to become transgender.

If a boy wants to wear pink nail polish because it is his favorite color, then that's one thing. End of story.

If a boy is a "boy," painting his nails, putting a ribbon in his hair, or putting him in a dress will not convince him to be a girl. He will just be one unhappy boy.

On the other hand, if a boy wants to wear pink nail polish because he feels it is a girlish thing to do, then there is a chance that he really is a girl. Painting his nails, putting a ribbon in his hair, or putting him in a dress will help make "her" complete. Denying "her" will result in one frustrated unhappy child.

UPDATE: My friend Patty e-mailed me about this matter; I asked her if I could post her e-mail and here it is.

Seriously?

Do we have nothing better to set our tails on fire with than an innocent advertisement for clothing!

Dr. Albow needs to spend some of the $$$ he's stolen -- oops I mean $$$ he's earned practicing as a licensed clinician, spewing his Dr. Phil unvalidated psycho-babble on well needed psychotherapy for HIMSELF -- can you say latent homo/transphobic???

I, as a women, as a consumer and as someone not only in the helping profession, but also as someone specializing in gender and sexual expressions, identity and orientation am outraged that we continue to allow these "professionals" to speak out to the public, let alone practice individual therapy!  Now that's propaganda. 

Sharp-Dressed Men

Spring is in the air and it seems that males everywhere are donning pretty frocks to participate in womanless events, according to the many stories coming in on the mojo wire this week.

For example, Aunty Marlena revealed womanless beauty pageants in North Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, Texas, and again in Texas.

Meanwhile, Miss Google mentioned womanless pageants in Connecticut, Tennessee, and yet another in Tennessee.

Clive pointed out a viral video from Thailand.

And Aunty Marlena came back with a ton of Ednas (of Hairpspray fame) popping up in Alberta, California, Georgia, Michigan, New York, Texas, Some Place, and Some Place Else.

So, put on your favorite sundress and enjoy the femulating festivities!

So Now I'm Her Secretary

My Weekend

My health was up and down all week long last week. Home Friday after work and whatever I had notched it up a lot and I felt terrible; flu-like symptoms, but not quite the flu.

I felt terrible all day Saturday.

I feel a lot better today; not 100%, but a big improvement over Friday and Saturday.

I was not online much during the past two days, so I have some catching up to do.

Standby for the forthcoming catch-up.

Womanless Pageant Next Door!

Is there anything as rare as a womanless pageant north of the Mason-Dixon Line?

That rare event will actually take place a mere 20 miles from home: at the Warner Theater in Torrington, CT on April 27.

Shannon clued me in about the event and I found this related article.

Dubbed the "Woah-Man Beauty Pageant," it is a fund-raiser for a local food bank with 43 local "girls" competing for the crown. A bridal shop will provide the dresses and gowns and hair salons will provide wigs and makeup.

I hope this is a trend and there will be more womanless pageants in this neck of the woods; maybe one that is so local that I will be able to participate.

High Heel Hangover

6 Steps to Getting Back on Your Feet Fast

By Neal M. Blitz, D.P.M., F.A.C.F.A.S., Chief of Foot Surgery and Associate Chairman of Orthopaedics, Bronx-Lebanon Hospital in New York

"It is no secret that high heels are 'bad' for your feet and over time they can cause all sorts of foot problems, but it's the day after wearing high heels that women can have major foot pain or discomfort. This day-after foot pain from wearing high heels is the called the 'High Heel Hangover'."

Read the rest of the story here on The Huffington Post.

Wednesday Washout

I have been wrestling with a cold for a few days and when I awoke this morning, I felt worse.

After contemplating my situation for about an hour, I decided that I would not have much fun out en femme the way I was feeling, so I cancelled my plans and spent the day in boring boy mode.

Wednesday Wanderings

I'm out en femme all-day Wednesday.

I was not sure I'd be able to do it, but I managed to knock off all my hot projects at work and can get away for a weekday.

I plan to go shopping to buy a couple of new outfits for my 4-day excursion en femme in May. I will be working a booth at a convention for two of those days and want to look professional.

The woman who work the other booths at that convention are all over the spectrum in the fashion department. There are a few "booth babes" in revealing tops, short shorts or short skirts, and sky-high heels, but the majority of booth women dress more casually wearing slacks or skirts and tops.

I prefer to dress somewhere in between, that is, more professional than the casual majority, but not too professional as to make people wonder what my profession may be (if you know what I mean).

So I will visit the mall tomorrow.

In the past, I've bought some nice outfits at JCPenney, but my most recent shopping trips there have been disappointing. Hopefully, I will have better luck tomorrow.

After the mall, if it is not too late and I am not too tired, I may go to the casino for an hour or two, then back home before the sun sets.

Rubbeldiekatz

While searching the Internet for new photos of Matthias Schweighöfers in the film Rubbeldiekatz, I discovered (1) the photo accompanying today's blog post and (2) a description of the film's plot that differs slightly from the plot I read about back in January.

Previously dubbed a German version of the film Tootsie, I found this plot description on KillerMovies:

"Based on a screenplay by Anika Decker (Rabbit Without Ears), the comedy, previously known as Woman in Love, but now carrying the working title of Rubbeldiekatz, follows an unsuccessful actor whose life takes a dramatic turn when he is mistakenly cast as a woman in a big Hollywood pic."

That differs from the plot of Tootsie in which an unemployed actor dresses as a woman in order to find work and lands the part in a daytime television soap opera.

I know the plots are similar, but for an anal retentive purest like me, I think they differ enough to mention.

Monumental Monday

Height is the subject of this first day of the work week with five additions to my Famous Females of Height List.

5'8" – Abbie Cornish – actress – film A Good Year

5'8" – Amber Heard (photo right) – actress – television Playboy

5'9" – Madison Riley – actress – film Grown Ups

6'0" – Antonia Okonma – actress – television (UK)

6'0" – Beth Orton – singer

The last two are from Meg of Call Me Meg fame… thank you, Girlfriend.

The Color Purple

I love the color purple.

The dress I wore my first time out en femme was purple and I have owned many purple outfits over the years. I believe it is a good color for me; in my opinion, I look good in my photos when I wear purple.

Take it from this fashionista: When you find a color that suits you, don't mess with success. Instead, add it to your wardrobe and put together outfits around that color.

While I was looking for something else on my computer this morning, I found the accompanying photo. I don't remember posting it here before, so here it is in all my purple glory back in 2003.

YouTube Femulate Channel

I have nothing to do with it, but there is now a Femulate channel on YouTube. Ashley informed me about it and I checked it out briefly, but I did not watch the three videos that are online there. Maria Jose from Finland is responsible for the channel.

Join the Club

If I Could Be A Woman

This video was a recommendation on Genderfork, a blog that I recommend.

Aspiring Ednas

Marlena wrote, "Your readers may find it interesting that a number of high schools and amateur theater groups in the U.S. and U.K. are now mounting their own productions of the musical Hairspray, complete with what looks like some quite good femulating by a troupe of aspiring Edna Turnblads in drag."

Check out these examples: 1, 2, and 3.

Real World

After an event like the banquet on Saturday night, it is very difficult to return to the "real" world on Monday morning.

After my daily regimen of moisturizer and anti-aging creams this morning, I wanted to apply my makeup.

When I walked into my closet to fetch clothes to wear today, I wanted to pick out a dress and a matching bag and heels.

Throughout the day, my feet still felt like I was wearing heels and I caught myself walking on my tiptoes a number of times and if no one was around, I kept walking on my tiptoes..

Also, my mind was somewhere else today.

Luckily, today I was Photoshopping images in an assembly-line fashion --- so my mind could be somewhere else.

And somewhere else is a place I have visited many times in the past.

It is a place where I debate myself about living in the "real" world vs. living in the real world.

So far, the debate always concludes with me returning to the "real" world.

My Feet Hurt

Saturday evening, I attended the annual banquet of the Connecticut Outreach Society at the Four Points Sheraton in Meriden.

I began primping at 2:30 PM and was out the door at 5 PM.

Twenty-five minutes later, I was ringing the bell at my friend Patty's home to show her what I had wrought. Patty answered the door, but she would not let me in because her and her hubby had the bug and did not want me to get it. So I removed my fur coat and modeled my outfit for her while standing on her front porch. She loved my dress and my wig; she said it is the most flattering wig she has ever seen me in.

As I put my coat on and prepared to depart, Patty said she had a gift for me. I could not imagine what she had for me as she repaired to the kitchen to fetch the surprise. She returned with a Barbie Fashionistas head with long wavy blond hair.

I have not played with Barbie dolls in awhile, but evidently they now have a Fashionistas series that allows you to swap heads with different hairdos and makeups. The swappable head  Patty gave me is called "Cutie." She gifted me it to me because of my reputation as a "fashionista." I love it!

And my reputation is well-deserved. My outfit for the banquet included a pair of sexy strappy sandals. I had worn these shoes to the banquet a few years ago and they were foot cripplers. But I figured that since I lost some weight since I wore them last, that they would not hurt as much. Fashionista that I am, I also figured that I would put up with any pain in deference to being fashionable.

As I stood on Patty's doorstep, my feet were already killing me (specifically the balls of my feet) and the night was still young. Patty said I should get gel inserts that they sell to alleviate foot pain.

I thought that that was such a good suggestion that I decided to stop at a CVS on the way to the Sheraton. So, I thanked Patty for the gift and was on my way again.

Five minutes later, I was walking into the CVS way overdressed for a shopping trip. As I walked through the store searching for the foot supplies, one guy checked me out, but the other customers paid me no mind.

I found the foot supplies rack, but what I needed was out of stock, so I exited CVS.

I had a laugh as I walked by the check-out counter. The woman working the register is the cashier that always gives me an odd look when I am in boy mode purchasing L'eggs pantyhose, Kiss stick-on nails, or Nair hair remover. Now here I was walking right past her dressed to kill in girl mod and she did not even notice.

As I got back in my car, I heard a wolf whistle. I did not look around to see where it came from; instead, I got in my car and once I was seated, I looked in the rear and side view mirrors trying to find the whistler, but I was unsuccessful.

I drove to the hotel, parked my car, and walked gingerly inside. I found our banquet room and a lot of old friends and acquaintances. Eventually, there were 50 transgender folks and their significant others in attendance ranging in age from the early 20s to late 70s. I knew about half the crowd; the other half were new to me.

I sat with a table full of old friends and our after-dinner speaker, Ethan St. Pierre. The conversation at that table was rousing and a lot of fun; it made for a great evening.

Old friends stopped by to chat and compare notes on what we had done since our last meeting, which in many cases was last year's banquet.

Wendy, who I have known for over 20 years came by and she was wearing a dress that was exactly like mine except that the silver and gold flecks in the vertical ribbons of my dress were replaced by red flecks in hers (we both bought our dresses at Dress Barn).

Wendy introduced me to one of her friends, Tracey, who is a regular reader of this blog and we had a nice conversation and short photo shoot.,

A cocktail hour, an excellent meal, Ethan's after dinner speech, a poetry reading by Tristan and three songs performed by one talented lady, Deja, filled the first half of the evening, then the DJ virtually spun platters  the rest of the evening.

Since my feet hurt, I only danced to two songs: one I requested ("Dance, Dance, Dance" by the Beach Boys) and "Legs" by ZZ Top. I considered dancing barefooted, but I did not want to ruin my fashionista image. Only kidding! Actually, I worried that I might not be able to get my shoes back on and I did not relish walking barefooted across the parking lot in 20 degree weather. (By the way, a pair of my boy shoes awaited me in the car for the drive home.)

The banquet ended at midnight and four of us moved on to the hotel bar. Saturday night was "salsa night" and the bar was full with mainly a male crowd. The testosterone level was so high that I walked out after walking in, but my friends coaxed me back in and we found four seats together at the bar.

The guys stayed away, but the lady who manages the bar and one of the cocktail waitresses engaged us in conversation. The waitress remarked that we did our makeup better than she did (she needed no makeup, in my opinion) and the manager wanted to know who did our makeup (we all admitted to doing our own makeup). I nursed one drink for an hour and departed about 1:30 AM, and I was home before 2 AM.

During the evening, a long-time friend asked, "So when are you going to get it over with and go 24/7?"

I shrugged. Later I asked her why she asked me that question and her response was the highlight of the evening up to that point.

She said that I have always put such a great effort into my presentation, that mine was the best, that I pass as a woman, et cetera., et cetera, and it follows that I should live 24/7 as a woman. She is well-aware of my marriage situation and realizes I cannot live 24/7; her remark was in jest, but with a big grain of truth embedded in it.

That highlight was topped later in the evening by another long-time friend, who I see about once or twice a year. She remarked, "You are so feminine now," I was surprised at her unsolicited comment and she continued explaining how feminine I have become in my speech and mannerisms.

Wow!

Consciously, I am not intentionally acting or speaking in a more feminine manner. I act naturally without any pretenses.

Have I evolved without realizing it? Am I now completely comfortable in my skin, which is decidedly female, and have escaped all those male shackles that have been holding her back for so long?

Yes.

Banquet Last Night

This photo will have to suffice for now.

I did not get to bed until 2:30 AM , so I am still removing the cobwebs from my head! I promise more words later.

That's my good friend Angie and I posing for photos outside the banquet hall around 10 PM.

Banquet Tonight

Tonight is the biggest transgender social event of the year in this area: the Connecticut Outreach Society's annual banquet. I will be attending with bells on.

About 2 PM, I will drop everything to get ready for the banquet. A close shave, a warm shower, and makeup application will take about an hour, maybe a little longer because my makeup will have to be perfect for the big event. Then I will get dressed, do my hair, and take a few photos, which should take about a half-hour.

My goal is to be out the door by 5 PM. Then I drive 30 minutes to my friend Patty's home to show her my outfit. Finally, a 5-minute drive to the hotel hosting the event and the fun evening begins!

You can expect a full report and photos here in a day or two.

Transgender Student Dresses En Femme For Prom; Mom Does Her Make-Up

Despite the pronoun issues, I so love this story!

(I wish it was me.)

I Wore A Dress To Work Today

Well - it isn't actually a dress. It is a long sleeve green and blue plaid tunic with a hemline that falls just below my derriere. I am wearing it over jeans.

Kind of androgynous --- most people probably won't notice, but in my mind, it is "girly" and that is what counts.

I wonder if any women will notice?

Speaking of women at work...

Last Friday, I met with the head of HR to bitch about my review. She made me feel better about it and when we were done discussing that, she asked how things were going on the transgender front.

During that discussion, she mentioned that she had not told anyone about my coming out to her last spring, but she said that if I thought anyone else should know, she would inform them if I felt uncomfortable about doing it.

I admitted that I thought she might have informed the other HR rep because it was her duty to share that kind of information (what do I know about HR). She assured me that she would not tell anyone without my permission.

I thought about it over the weekend and figured it would be good to have as many HR people in my corner as possible. For example, if something came up while the head of HR was away, it would be nice to have a backup who knew about my situation. So early this week, I asked the head of HR to inform the other HR rep and she said she would.

So now I am officially out to three women here at work.

The Femulated: Harry LeSabre

In Kurt Vonnegut's 1973 novel, Breakfast of Champions, Harry LeSabre was a car salesman at a Midland City Pontiac dealership owned by Dwayne Hoover. Harry was a "transvestite," but only he and his wife knew about it.

For the dealership's Hawaiian Week car sale promotion, Dwayne suggested that Harry dress a little more flamboyantly or Dwayne would fire him. This caused Harry to wonder if Dwayne knew that Harry liked to wear women's clothes.

After discussing his suspicions with his wife, he concluded that Harry did not know, and he showed up for work on Monday wearing a green leotard, straw sandals, grass skirt, wreath of flowers and a pink T-shirt inscribed "Make Love Not War."

And so it goes.

(Yesterday’s  The Femulated: image --- repeated here --- was my attempt to celebrate my favorite author's only transgender character.)

Baby, It's Cold Outside

It is still March and this is New England, but this weather is ridiculous. Snow Monday, snow last night! The forecast for Saturday night — Banquet Night — is "Partly cloudy, with a low around 18." That is 18° Fahrenheit, not Celsius.

I guess I will be wearing my fake fur coat to the banquet. Not that I mind wearing my "fur" — it is glamorous and so comfy, but you would think that one week into spring that some lighter outerwear would be sufficient.

Error

The caption of today's The Femulated: image reads "Dwayne Hoover, circa 1973." It should read "Harry LeSabre, circa 1973."

(At this time, I can publish this post, but I cannot access the caption editing function, otherwise, I would have fixed the caption without publishing this post.)

And so it goes.

Retrospective

Just for fun, I decided to compare what I wore to the Connecticut Outreach Society banquet in the past. I was surprised to learn that I have attended 12 banquets and to see how many different looks I managed to pull off!

I hope you will enjoy the banquet photo collage I put together. It represents the following years:

• Top Row:1997, 1999, 2001, 2002

• Middle Row: 2003, 2004, 2005,2006

• Bottom Row: 2007, 2008,2009,2010

(Click on the photo to enlarge the image.)

Man Wearing High Heels and Skirt

This young man seems so happy wearing high heels even on a rainy, windswept day that I had to share his joy with you. His photos appear on the High Heels For Men blog, one blog that I visit every day.

Banquet Time Is Here Again!

After my makeover before last year's banquet.

Connecticut Outreach Society's annual banquet is Saturday evening. It is the biggest trans social event of the year in these parts and draws 50 to 75 trans people, their supporters, partners, admirers, etc. every year. A good time is had by all.

This year's after-dinner speaker is Ethan St. Pierre. I have not seen or heard from Ethan since Fantasia Fair, so I am looking forward to seeing him on Saturday.

I also look forward to seeing my favorite fashion consultant, Patty, before the banquet. She lives near the hotel and if our schedules are in sync, I usually stop by before the event to show off the results of her advice.

When I was less outgoing a few years ago, the banquet was a very big event for me. It was a rare opportunity to get dressed to the nines and socialize with my "girlfriends," who were similarly attired.

I was so closeted back then that I rented a room at the hotel, arrived in boy mode, and changed into girl mode in my room. When I was ready to make my way down to the banquet hall, I would look through the peep hole of my hotel room door to make sure no one was around. Then I would open the door slightly to see beyond what I could not see through the peep hole.

If all was clear, I would walk down the hall and hope that I would not encounter any civilians in the hallway or worse, in the elevator.

In the lobby, I would scurry as fast as my 4-inch heels would permit me to the banquet hall, check-in, and stay within the hall's confines until the event ended. If, heaven forbid, Mother Nature called, I would slink to the bathroom that the hotel designated for our kind of "girls."

Those days are long gone.

Now I dress at home, drive a half-hour to the hotel, walk the walk through the parking lot and lobby proudly strutting my stuff with no thought about avoiding civilians, male or female. During the banquet, I will repair to the lobby if the music is too loud to gossip with the girls and if Mother Nature calls, I use the most convenient ladies' room, not necessarily the one designated for our kind.

And the banquet is no longer the end-all and be-all event of the year for me. I am no longer stuck attending trans-only events; I relish all opportunities to really be myself out in the real world. But I still forward to the banquet to visit with friends, old and new.

Attention: Connecticut Trans Folks

If you live in Connecticut like I do, please pop over to my friend Diana's blog and find out what you can do to help promote transgender rights in "The Land of Steady Habits."

82 Club Postcard

I added this postcard to my female impersonator ephemera collection.

The postcard depicts the performers at New York City's 82 Club (also known as "Club 82") circa 1960. The nightclub was in the East Village at 82 East 4th St. It had a 20 year run and closed its doors for good in 1978.

More Than Just A Man Or A Woman

"I Want To Be More Than Just A Man Or A Woman" appeared on Salon yesterday. It is a very interesting read, as are the comments that follow.