Monday musings

(Updated Below)
I watch awards shows to see the fashions worn by the female attendees and the rare male attendees, who show up in female attire. So, when I saw that a music awards show was on television last night. I watched it, but after about 15 minutes, I switched to a movie titled Passed Away.

I almost changed the channel as soon as the announcer announced that Jimmy Kimmel was the master of ceremonies (I hate don't care for Mr. Kimmel), but I stay tuned because Christine Aguilera opened the show (I love Ms. Aguilera). She was worth staying tuned, but I wasn't in the mood to sit through a lot of music that I did not like just to glimpse an occasional plate of fashion, so I moved on.

I switched back during commercials and I did catch the gorgeous Rihanna looking gorgeous as she collected an award, but that was about the extent my good catches during commercials.

***

I received my latest Spiegel clearance find and was surprised that it fit.

I had no doubt that the skirt would fit because it was in my size, but I was not so sure about the jacket. Spiegel did not have the jacket in my size, so I took a chance and ordered one size smaller. I was very surprised that it fit like a glove! I guess my weight loss made the difference.

The skirt also fit like a glove. It was a little shorter than I expected, but that won't prevent me from wearing it!

***

I plan to wear my new outfit on my next outing en femme, which will be next Tuesday, when I participate in outreach at two human sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University.

***
UPDATE: Regarding my first musing above, "hate" is a strong word. I don't hate Jimmy Kimmel. I just don't find him amusing or talented and sometimes I find him offensive, so I avoid him whenever possible.

imaginary portrait of Diane Arbus

Yesterday, I watched a film titled Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus starring Nicole Kidman and Robert Downey, Jr. It was an interesting film, but according to the film reviews I read today, the title was accurate and the story had little to do with the reality of photographer Arbus' life. That being said, I enjoyed the film and I recommend it. (In my opinion, most films starring Kidman and Downey have some redeeming value.)

In addition to the story, I enjoyed the 1950's fashions worn by the women in the film. Some of the dresses were like the title of another Kidman film, to die for.

Also, there was a trans-moment in the film. About half way through, Arbus attends a party where there are men in various stages of getting crossdressed. (Transpeople were occasionally the subject of Arbus' work.)

going out en femme with less peril

In response to yesterday's post, Christy Tindy wrote, "You're so right about personal safety. As I was leaving a drag club one time my girlfriend stopped me and asked if I had my car keys out.

"I didn't think much about it until she explained that you should have the keys ready and out where the lighting is good rather than a block away in the dark. Plus, you can use the key to defend yourself if it comes to it."

I have been using this key strategy for awhile... even in daylight. For example, whenever I am finished shopping en femme, whether it is day or night, I remove my keys from my purse before I leave the store or mall and head out to my parked car.

Also, you might consider adding pepper spray to your arsenal. They sell small cannisters specifically designed to attach to your keychain.

You can never be too safe!

the REAL perils of going out en femme

Yesterday, I wrote about my Tuesday evening out en femme and how I had a close encounter with a former co-worker, who I feared might out me at my workplace if she figured out who I was en femme.

Being outed at work is a real peril of going out en femme. It could result in the loss of your job and could negatively effect any future employment. However, there are worse real perils of going out en femme like the loss of your life.

Years ago, a bunch of girls decided to go to a gay bar after the conclusion of our support group meeting. I had never been, so I agreed to go to see what it was like.

As it turned out, I didn't like it. Smokey dim-lit bars are not my cup of tea, so I had one drink and hung around just long enough so that my clothes and wig stunk from the cigarette smoke.

The bar was not in the best neighborhood. The streets were not well lit and my car was parked a long block away. As I left the bar, another patron exited after me, followed me, and began accosting me. He thought I was one of the girls performing in the bar's drag show and he wanted a "date."

I was scared, so I ignored him, and walked to my car as fast as possible. (In retrospect, I should have returned to the bar and asked for an escort to my car.) He finally gave up pursuit, I assume, because I would pay him no mind. I escaped unharmed, although a little unnerved, but others have not been so lucky.

There are a lot of girls, who have turned up dead after being in similar situations and today we memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice.

For more information, visit the International Transgender Day of Remembrance Web site and find a Transgender Day of Remembrance event near you.

the perils of going out en femme

Last night, I went out en femme wearing my new babydoll dress that I bought during my last outing (see photo).

I did my makeup the way the Sephora representative suggested during my makeover and I was very pleased with the results. I love the new powder foundation; being a powder, it is very lightweight, but it does an excellent job as a foundation.

I tried to replicate what the Sephora rep did and I thought I did a decent job, but after looking at my photos from last night, I don't think I did my eyes correctly. Well, practice makes perfect and I will have another go at it real soon now.

Out the door and on the road, my first stop was Dress Barn to pick out and try on outfits to model at my support group's in-store party.

The Dress Barn saleswoman, who I have been working with organizing the party, accompanied me through the store and we picked out a large handful of items to try on.

While we were looking through the racks, a new customer walked in, who happens to be a woman I worked with for ten years or more. She left my company two years ago, but I thought she might recognize me because she had seen me in drag when I went to work en femme on Halloween a few years ago. Then, I wore an auburn pageboy wig and was about 15 pounds heavier, so she might have not put two and two together seeing me last night in my short blond wig, but I was still very concerned because she still has friends at my workplace and if she had any suspicions, I am sure it would get back to work because she is a "gossip."

I told the Dress Barn saleswoman about my concerns. Luckily, we had already picked out a load of outfits to try on, so she escorted me to a dressing room in the Women's section of the store far away from my former co-worker, who was shopping in the Misses section of the store.

I began trying on clothes. First, I tried on the three holiday party dresses we selected. The one I liked the best did not fit in the bust area. The other two fit perfectly and I chose one to model at our party.

Next, I tried on the daytime "office girl drag" outfits we selected. The first outfit I tried on was my favorite: a clingy multi-colored top and a black skirt with a black patent belt.

I had my doubts about the outfit. I just don't look good in outfits like that (skirts and tight tops) and the only way to make them work is to wear a jacket or cardigan to cover up what needs covering up.

But I was pleasantly surprised! Just as I was buttoning up the skirt, my saleswoman returned to see how I was doing and she said the top and skirt looked great. I had to agree. I love my new weight! A girlish figure with no bulges where there shouldn't be bulges. (Nine pounds down and I plan to lose more.)

I was done, so I got dressed, and escaped without encountering my woman friend. I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to do more browsing and take my time in Dress Barn. But it worked out anyway because I did what I went there to do despite my unexpected encounter.

My next stop was the first meeting of the Non Conforming Gender Variant Group(s). Since I exited Dress Barn so early, I was too early for the meeting, so I stopped at the Payless shoe store, where I have shopped numerous times for women's shoes while in boy mode. It would be my first time shopping in that store en femme and as I walked into the store, I noticed that the two saleswomen were the same saleswomen I had dealt with in boy mode.

I tried on a lot of shoes, but did not buy anything. I was just killing time and really did not intend to buy anything unless something really moved me and the only pair of shoes that moved me to make a purchase, did not fit.

I exited the store and the saleswomen bid me adieu. I don't know if they figured me out. They might have realized I was male, but I doubt that they realized I was the male who had shopped there for women's shoes in the past.

I arrived right on time for group meeting. Thirteen people showed up including five significant others (SO's). I knew everyone except two (a tranwoman and the SO of another transwoman).

Each of us told the group about ourselves and conversations were spun off from what different people said. I spoke first because no one else wanted to speak first and I gave my bio in a nutshell. There was no spin off from what I said.

Two hours flew by and it was very interesting, but with five couples in attendance, the conversations were more couples-oriented and not too pertinent to me. It's not that I don't have issues with my SO, but these conversations did not deal with my issues. And so it goes.

Thirty minutes later, I was back home and back in boy mode already looking forward to my next time out en femme.

out tonight

I will be going out en femme this evening.

First stop is Dress Barn to pick out and try on outfits to model at my support group's in-store party.

Second stop is the first meeting of the Non Conforming Gender Variant Group(s).

I will have a full report and photos for you here tomorrow.

clip-on comeback

Who would have thought that clip-on earrings would make a comeback? Not me, that is for sure.

Since I am in boy mode most of the time, I have resisted getting my ears pierced for those few hours each month when I am in girl mode. So I wear clip-on earrings.

These days, clip-ons are hard to find. Some stores don't carry clip-ons at all and the ones that do, have a very limited selection compared to the array of pierced earring they have for sale.

I am happy to learn this morning that clip-ons are making a comeback according to this article by Lindsay Mannering on The Huffington Post. Even our First Lady Elect was recently seen wearing a pair of vintage clip-ons.

I don't know how long it will take for the local retailers to begin stocking up on clip-ons, but as soon as they do, I will be buying them up before they go out of style again.

humor in an en femme vein

If you have been reading this blog long enough, you may have noticed that I enjoy celebrating the lighter side of being en femme. For example, see my blog post from earlier today.

One of my all time favorite Web sites for humor in an en femme vein is Transgender Graphics and Fiction Archive. Problem is that the site's last update was in March 2002, so I am always on the lookout for something more current.

A few days ago, I discovered "something more current," i.e., the TG Comics (and Stories) Web site. I have been perusing the site off and on since discovering it and I have had a few laughs (the toon accompanying this post came from that site; click on the image to enlarge it).

If you enjoy the lighter side of being en femme, I recommend that you visit TG Comics (and Stories) Web site.

guess I'm different!

next outing

Tuesday evening, I plan to make my next foray out in the world en femme.

First stop will be the Dress Barn where I am hosting a Very Indulgent Party for my support group next month.

I volunteered to model outfits at the party (like they had to twist my arm to do it), so Tuesday, I am going to work with a saleswoman to put together the outfits I will be modeling. One will be a daytime office girl ensemble and the second will be a glam holiday party ensemble.

Next stop will be the inaugural meeting of my friend Patty's Non Conforming Gender Variant Group(s). It will be a get acquainted meeting, so I don't expect to have any great ephiphany, but I do look forward to seeing some new and old faces. (If you are interested, e-mail me and I will provide contact information for the group and meeting, which will take place in central Connecticut.)

Oh... what am I wearing Tuesday evening?

Since I will be trying on clothes at Dress Barn, I will wear something I can slip in and out of easily, so I plan to wear the black babydoll dress that I bought at JCPenney last week. I promise to take photos.

just rewards

I got on the scale this morning (actually, I get on the scale every morning) and I have lost 8 pounds! (Isn't that equivalent to one dress size, more or less?)

Anyway, it was slow going, but I did it (and I plan to lose a few more pounds).

To reward myself, I bought this tweed bouclé jacket and skirt that Spiegel has for sale. Their original price was $79 and $49 respectively; their sale price is $14.99 and $12.99!

How can I resist?

passable vs. presentable

Passing, in regard to gender identity, refers to a person's ability to be accepted or regarded as a member of the sex or gender with which they identify, or with which they physically present. (from Wikipedia)

I like to think that I pass. Just today, I received an e-mail from a dear friend who wrote, "You pass so well."

But who am I kidding?

I am six feet, two inches tall (or a more dainty five feet, 14 inches tall) and I always wear heels of some height when I am out en femme (OEF). There are not too many women out there who are six-feet-two. (I list the famous ones here.) So, when I am OEF, my height is my biggest giveaway.

I can hear some of you saying to yourself, "Well, Girl, don't wear heels, then you will be shorter."

My response to that is even without heels, my height is still my biggest giveaway and adding three or four inches will not make much difference.

Last Friday at the mall, I passed some of the time.

While I was walking through the mall, I passed a few women walking in the opposite direction, who looked me in the eye and smiled. Of course, I returned the smile. When a woman smiles at another woman, it is a sign of camaraderie, so when a woman smiles at you when you are OEF, it is a good sign that they have accepted you into the club.

On the other hand, I have also passed women in the mall, whose smiles indicate that they have read me as a male. Their smiles (or smirks) indicate that they are mildly amused by my attempt to pass. Go OEF for awhile and you will begin to recognize the difference between smirks and genuine smiles.

At the mall last Friday, there were times when I did not pass.

For example, the saleswoman at Sephora referred to me as "he," then quickly corrected herself and referred to me as "she." I was not offended. When you are up close in another person's face, as when you are dealing with a salesperson, it is more difficult to pass because they are concentrating on you and therefore, are more likely to pick up telltale signs that you are male.

I have gone OEF enough to resign myself to the fact that sometimes I pass and sometimes I do not pass. There is not much I can do about my ability to pass because I believe I have pushed the envelope about as far as I can to emulate a woman without undergoing surgery.

Admittedly, my ultimate goal is to be passable, but since that is not always possible, I always try to make myself look presentable. If I present as the best woman I can be, then I will be less likely to attract attention and will blend in with the real women out there.

On the other hand, if I go to the mall wearing my highest heels, shortest skirt, largest breasts, biggest hair, and thickest makeup, I am going to attract a lot of attention. Dressed so, more people will check me out and thus increase the chances that people will recognize my birth gender.

So, I try to present myself as a real woman would present herself in a similar situation. Last Friday, I even wore dress slacks instead of a skirt in order to be more presentable and I believe that helped.

While I was at Sephora perched on the makeover seat at the front of the store, I did attract the attention of a lot of passerbys, but none of them gave any indication that they recognized me as a male. All they saw was a woman getting a makeover, so they gave me an interested passing glance and went on their way.

It probably helped that I was seated, so that my height was hidden, but I think more important was the fact that I looked presentable in that situation. I really looked like a woman who had been shopping in the mall and stopped at Sephora for a makeover.

One more thing: if you are presentable, other people are more likely to respect you and treat you like a lady even if they know you are not really a lady. If I dress like a teen queen, I am not going to get much respect, but if I dress like a middle-aged woman (with impeccable taste, by the way), I have found that I get respect because I am trying to be a female clone, not a clown.

So, the bottom line is that, of course, you want to be passable, but before you can be passable, you must be presentable. And once you hone your presentation, you may or may not pass, but at least you know you did your best come what may.

(Thank you, Michelia, for suggesting this topic.)

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... NOT

(updated below)

I am mad!

While browsing the Internet this morning, I discovered that someone plagiarized my July 28 posting titled "men in skirts." They did not even bother to change the name of the article or its content. Their plagiarized version is almost word for word what I wrote back in July.

If you are interested, you can see the thief's handiwork here.

'Nuf said.

UPDATE: After I pointed out the error, they added a link at the end of the article indicating the original source.

Obama transition team is transgender-inclusive

From PageOneQ comes this story by Nick Cargo:

In what is being viewed as a strong signal to activists nationwide, the transition office of President-elect Barack Obama has issued a non-discrimination policy including sexual orientation and gender identity.

The Obama-Biden Transition Project does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, or any other basis of discrimination prohibited by law," says the website of the Office of the President-elect, Change.gov.

While Executive Order 13087, signed by President Clinton in 1998 to amend President Nixon's Executive Order 11478, prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation in hiring for the federal civilian workforce, it does not mention gender identity. "The inclusion of gender identity is a bold departure from the past," said ACLU Senior Legislative Counsel Christopher E. Anders, "and it sends a clear message."

Read the rest of the story here.

Controversy at the Crossdressers' Support Group Meeting

November 20 is Transgender Day of Remembrance

The Transgender Day of Remembrance was set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. The event is held in November to honor Rita Hester, whose murder on November 28th, 1998 kicked off the “Remembering Our Dead” web project and a San Francisco candlelight vigil in 1999. Rita Hester’s murder — like most anti-transgender murder cases — has yet to be solved. — from the Transgender Day of Remembrance Web site

Visit the Web site to find a Transgender Day of Remembrance event near you.

coming to terms

Yesterday, I mentioned that I had to look up the meaning of the word "pintuck."

Although I am a fashionista, I admit that I do not knowing the meaning of every fashion term. Google usually comes to my rescue when I a fashion term stumps me, as it did yesterday when I looked up "pintuck."

Yesterday, Google's first choice was Kohls.com Glossary of Fabric & Fashion Terms, which is where I found the definition for "pintuck."

Kohl's glossary is comprehensive and I recommend it highly.

Friday fun en femme redux

I was frustrated finding images for my "Friday fun en femme" blog posting. Neither the JCPenney or Dress Barn Web sites had those items I bought online, so there were no images to grab for my posting.

I revisited the JCPenney Web site last night and I did find an image of the skirt I bought, but in a different color, and I found a dress that is very similar to the one I bought at Dress Barn.

The skirt is an east5th long bias-cut skirt, described as follows:

A flattering A-line style makes a very versatile asset.

* tailored with a wider waistband
* invisible side zipper
* length looks good with boots, too

east5th long skirt has a full polyester taffeta lining. Plaid is polyester/rayon; solids are polyester/rayon/spandex. Washable and imported.

The version pictured here is Black/Polar Bear Plaid. The one I bought is Red/Polar Bear Plaid and is much prettier than the black version.

The dress is a Sandra Darren, described as follows:

Sheer mesh and satin stripes update the little black dress into a stunning favorite.

* softly pintucked
* mesh is layered over a black slipdress
* ribbon belt
* tailored and relaxed fit

Pintuck dress is polyester. Hand wash, line dry. Imported.

By the way, I had to look up "pintuck" and here is a definition: a small, narrow fold of fabric stitched together to create the appearance of a line or stripe.

The big difference between the dress pictured here and the one I bought at Dress Barn is that the pintucks on my dress are gold and silver and give the dress a completely different and amazing look. (When I wear, I promise to post a photo here.)

hit me with your best browser

The popularity of this blog amazes me!

Throughout the summer and early fall, the blog averaged 641 hits per day. When I began writing about my Fantasia Fair experiences, the hit count jumped 65% averaging well over 1000 hits per day.

I expected that number would drop off after I stopped blogging about Fantasia Fair, but on the contrary, the number increased averaging 1127 hits per day! Last Wednesday was an all time high (so far) with an eye-popping 1780 hits.

In the past, the hit count always dropped off on weekends, but not any longer; the last two weekends averaged 1244 hits per day.

During that same time period, the number of repeat visitors has jumped by 50%.

Meanwhile, I discovered that words written here are showing up in other Web places. In the left sidebar, I quote fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg ("Feel like a woman. Wear a dress!"). Below her quote is my retort, "Feel like a woman. Wear a bra!" Those two quotations were recently repeated on the "I Love Fashion" section of the Experience Project Web site.

Also, my "Top 30 Things Every Crossdressing Man Needs In His Wardrobe To Emulate A Woman" has been picked up by other Web sites.

I guess I must be doing something right and I hope I continue to do so, but I do appreciate your input about what I write (and don't write).

Is there any subject I should write more about? Is there any subject I should avoid? Is there anything new you would like me to write about?

I'd love to hear from you!

it figures...

Friday fun en femme

(updated below)

I went out en femme yesterday.

It decided to go out at the last minute. My week long eye problem started clearing up midday on Thursday and was completely gone when I woke up yesterday, so I called work, told the boss I was taking a vacation day, then I dressed to go out. I wore my real estate agent drag ensemble (white top, black slacks, pink suit jacket, and black booties).

I was on the road at 9 AM and my first stop was Contessa Corset Shop in West Hartford. It was a "pig in a poke" selection.

Since Irene's closed in New Britain, I have been looking for another local trans-friendly store to buy foundation garments. A lot of the local girls recommended Princess Lingerie Shop in Waterbury, but I am leery about driving around my old hometown en femme where I still have a lot of friends, relatives, and acquaintances, who are familiar with my car and its Amateur Radio call sign license plates. So, I searched online for another local store and the closest one was Contessa Corset Shop.

I did not call ahead to make an appointment because my decision to go out was a last minute thing. I had no idea how I would be treated. Well, I have good news: I was treated like a lady by the saleswoman named Brenda. She helped me find what I needed, made suggestions on other options, and was genuinely happy to have me as a customer. By the way, her prices were reasonable and comparable to online prices.

As I was leaving, I asked if I could recommend her store to my trans-friends and she said she would be happy to have more customers like me.

Next stop was West Farms Mall in Farmington. First stop in the mall was Sephora. My powder foundation is almost gone and since its manufacturer is also gone, I wanted to find something comparable.

A saleswoman greeted me and helped me find a comparable powder foundation. As I was checking out, I asked the saleswoman how much they charged for makeovers. She replied that makeovers were "free," but that all the cosmeticians were in a training class. She suggested that I could come back later in the day or make an appointment for a makeover on another day.

My next goal was to find a long lightweight sweater coat like the one Patty lent me for my week at Fantasia Fair. I browsed through a few store looking for a similar coat without success.

While in JCPenney, I browsed their dress department and found three dresses and two skirts that I liked. I took them to the dressing room and tried them on. Everything fit fine, but I only liked the look of two dresses and the one skirt on me. I purchased the three items.

The skirt is a long bias-cut A-line from east5th in red/polar bear plaid. The hem is at my mid-calf and will look great with boots.

One dress is a cute black cap-sleeve babydoll from B. Smart decorated with black buttons accenting its scoop neckline and pockets. It is lightly pleated below the collar and its hem is above the knee. It will look great in black tights and my black patent high heel Mary Janes.

The other dress is very '60s retro from Worthington. It is a simple dark gray short-sleeve A-line with metallic silver threads in the fabric. The collar makes it so retro; a curved piece with a gray button on each end (see my drawing of the collar). The hem falls above my knees and will look good with off-black hose and a pair of dressy heels.

(Sorry, but there are no photos of the dresses on the JCPenney Web site, so you have to put up with my rough descriptions and drawings.)

JCPenney had a sale, so the three items cost $98 vs. their list price of $188, which was a nice savings (and my last of the day).

I decided to take my purchases to my car, then continue shopping. But by the time I walked to the other end of the mall where my car was parked, my feet needed a break. As I passed Sephora again, I noticed that they were not too busy, so I decided to cool my heels while getting a makeover.

A cosmetician sat me at a makeover kiosk right near the entrance of the store and began working her magic on my face. (Being so strategically located, I had an audience throughout the makeover.) The transformation was amazing. I was very impressed by a product she used that shrank and smoothed out the bags under my eyes, which subtracted years from my visage. I bought a lot of the products that she used, so much so that I qualified for some "free" gifts.

My "free" makeover was hardly free, but I was very happy with the results and received a few appreciative glances as I exited the mall and walked to my car. (I really regretted not bringing a camera yesterday.)

My week-long bout with the allergy was taking its toll; I was tired and ready to call it quits for the day, but I wanted to show off my makeover one more time. So I decided to visit Dress Barn across the street from the mall and size up what they had to offer in anticipation of our party there next month.

After my spending spree at Contessa, Sephora, and JCPenney, I had no intention of buying anything at Dress Barn; I just wanted to familiarize myself with their offerings, but as I walked into the store, a dress on display in the window caught my eye. An overcoat over the dress hid a lot of it, but it still looked very attractive.

I entered the store and lifted the overcoat to see the rest of the dress. It was gorgeous, but the display model was too small and I did not see the dress on a rack in the immediate vicinity. So, I proceeded to look through the store and saw a lot of nice things that I noted to check out more closely during our Dress Barn party next month.

During my tour of the store, I did find a rack with three copies of the dress I saw in the window display. The largest of the three was a size 16. I examined it and I concluded that it was too small in the shoulder and bust area. I sighed as I hung it back on the rack.

I continued touring the store and just as I was about to leave, I returned to "the dress" and decided to try it on. What did I have to lose?

It fit like the proverbial glove and I had to buy it even though it was not on sale. With only four in the store and only one in my size, how likely would there still be one available a month later? I did get a 10% discount by signing up for a Dress Barn credit card.

The dress is a Sandra Darren black sleeveless mesh dress. Over the mesh are silver and gold vertical stripes that look like ribbons covering the length of the dress. Underneath the mesh is a black full slip with spaghetti straps. A black ribbon belt cinches the waist. Its hem falls below my knees. And did I say, it fits like a glove?

It is so classy; a very nice cocktail or holiday party dress. I'll probably wear it with black hose and my faux suede high heel platform pumps.

With that purchase and my credit card going down in flames, I decided to call it a day en femme... another wonderful day en femme.

UPDATE: I found this photo of a vintage '60s dress that has a collar similar to the one on the dress I bought at JCPenney.

out today

I went out en femme today. I will have a full report real soon now.

my fashion sense

I have fashion sense.

I can put outfits together and accessorize them. I can also do my makeup and style my hair (wigs). I'm no expert, but I think that for a natural born guy, I do well doing those girly things.

I read and practice a lot to improve my girly skills, but I think there is more to it than that. I think that I took after my Mom.

Mom was a fashion plate. We were not rich by any means; we were lower middle class at best, but Mom always dressed very nicely wearing outfits she sewed herself.

Mom was also beautiful and did not have to wear a lot of makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were the only ingredients in her makeup bag.

Overall, Mom's look was very classy.

I inherited my fashion sense from Mom. Over the years, I honed my girly skills, but to start, my basic girly skills came from Mom. When I was a little girly boy, I was fascinated watching her do her hair and makeup and sew pretty clothes to wear with beautiful hats and always, with high heels.

I am a high heel maven just like my Mom. In fact, a lot of girls my age have an affinity for high heels because our mothers came from a generation in which high heels were the standard footwear for going out. Similarly, girls my age favor dresses because that is what our mothers wore most of the time.

It is not only me; many of us get our fashion sense from our Moms. Luckily, my Mom had a great fashion sense and a little of that rubbed off on me.

Formal Portrait Via Photoshop

Denise e-mailed me some photos that she shot at Fantasia Fair. I liked one of the photos so much that I decided to convert it into a formal portrait.

Using Photoshop, I replaced the original background (a banquet hall) with a gold backdrop. I also deleted the name badge lanyard from around my neck and touched up my makeup.

I am very happy with the results.

Acceptance in Dreamland

Last night, I dreamed I was back in college during final exams, unprepared as usual in such dreams.

With only 15 minutes to go before my Psychology course final exam started, I was out on the campus scrambling between buildings trying to find an exam schedule because I forgot where my exam was taking place.

At one point, I dumped the contents of my white pocketbook on the ground and rifled through each of its pockets trying to find the schedule. I woke up from the dream shortly thereafter still looking for the schedule.

As I have written here before, I seldom remember my dreams, but those I do remember have a trans theme. The usual plot of those dreams is that I get dressed en femme and then run into a friend or relative, who accepts me in my feminine persona.

Last night's dream seems to be a step beyond that dream theme. Last night, I did not get dressed and I did not run into a friend or relative, who accepts me. Last night, I was already dressed and never noticed how I was dressed. Only when I searched my pocketbook was there any indication that I was dressed en femme. Getting dressed and being accepted was not an issue. Instead, I was already dressed en femme and acting as a woman might in that situation.

Maybe the dream is telling me that I have finally accepted my feminine persona and no longer need the affirmation of others.

Stay tuned.

Monday musings

(updated below)

I am fairly certain that my ills the past ten days are allergy-related.

I popped a Claritin-D 12-hour allergy pill last night and all my ills disappeared. Eleven hours later, my eyes are starting to water and my head is getting congested again. In an hour, I will pop another Claritin-D and I suspect I will feel great again.

***

I plan to go to Dress Barn today to arrange an in-store party for my support group.

***

My eyesight has deteriorated since my last visit to my optometrist over two years ago, so I plan to visit my optometrist today, which is conveniently located next door to Dress Barn, to see if they are on my new insurance plan, and, if so, schedule an appointment.

Last time, I picked out female frames that 99% of the public would never consider female. This time, I want to pick out something more feminine than my last pick.

***

My favorite source for warpaint, Marlene Klein Cosmetics, seems to be no more. The Web site has a lot of broken links, missing Web pages, missing images, and my e-mails have bounced back. If anyone knows anything about the current status of Marlene Klein Cosmetics, I would appreciate hearing from you.

***

UPDATE: This morning, I went to Dress Barn in boy mode to make arrangements for an in-store party for my support group. The store manager was enthusiastic and very accommodating. She said we can even have a fashion show during the party (an option I was unaware of).

The party would take place for two hours after the store closes, so we will have the run of the store. Everyone gets a 15% discount.

The store will provide refreshments and we can provide additional refreshments if we wish.

The store is a Dress Barn Woman store, so they do have larger sizes as well as Misses sizes.

I just have to confirm the date with my support group and then proceed with the party.

By the way, the store has some delicious clothing on display and I can't wait to return in girl mode to do some shopping.

Vote Sam Caliguri Out of Office

I am a liberal. At work, I am probably the most liberal person in the building. (I work in an engineering design and development shop and my fellow employees tend to be more conservative than I.)

I do not mix politics and work unless I am confronted by someone who is in my face with their political views. Most people know how I lean, so they don't confront me, but occasionally someone will.

Similarly, I do not mix politics and this blog unless it has a direct connection with trans issues. (The "Femulators for Obama" button down in the lower right frame is an exceptions, but it is just sitting there on display minding its own business. I have not been in your face blogging incessantly about Obama, McCain, Biden, and Palin.)

But I will get in your face about the candidacy of the State Senator running for re-election in my district, that is, the 16th senate district of Connecticut, which includes the towns of Southington, Wolcott, and parts of Cheshire and Waterbury.

In May 2007, the Connecticut state senate passed the gender anti-discrimination bill by a 30-4 margin (it died in the state house of representatives). My state senator voted against it. He also voted against the bill when it came up for a vote in his committee (the Education Committee) and I suspect that he will vote against the bill again if he has an opportunity to do so in the future.

For that reason, I urge you to vote against Sam Caliguri if you live in the 16th senate district of Connecticut.*

I also urge you to vote against the referendum calling for a state constitutional convention. Some of the groups in favor of that referendum are against GLBT and woman's rights and I assure you that they would do no good regarding trans issues.

* Senator Caliguri irks me for other reasons. He is one of those Republicans that hides the fact that he is a Republican. I have yet to find a mention of his party affiliation in any of his campaign literature. In fact, his campaign literature gives the false impression that he is an "independent," which he is not. Also, when I wrote to him to ask him to support the the gender anti-discrimination bill, it took him eight months to respond! I guess he was too busy being independent.

Halloween

Halloween is reputed to be the national holiday for crossdressers. And sometimes I do celebrate our holiday.

I was thinking about going to work today dressed as Sarah Palin, but I scratched that costume idea because I like to have a unique costume and the Alaskan Governor seems to be everyone's choice this year. So I thought about doing goth schoolgirl because I already have all the pieces for that costume (short black pleated miniskirt, ripped fishnets, high heel boots, etc.), but I lost my enthusiasm to get in costume because I have been feeling rundown all week from a cold or allergy attack that has been bothering me for about a week.

As it turned out, nobody showed up in costume at work today. I am torn; if I wore a costume, I would have been the only one to do so and would have felt a little out of place, however, I sure would have received a lot of attention (and I love attention).

I have dressed en femme for work in the past, but only when there was some kind of company-sponsored Halloween celebration. (You can read about one of those Halloween escapades here.) So far, I have not had the nerve to dress when there was no company-sponsored celebration. Maybe next year.

My support group had their Halloween party last Wednesday while I was attending Fantasia Fair, so I missed that opportunity.

So, looks like I won't be crossdressing for our big holiday this year. But I will leave you with a photo of my Halloween costume from 2004. It is my favorite costume, my best effort and I don't think I will ever be able to top it. But, wait until next year!

This Week: Change of Plans

Dunno if I caught a cold or am suffering from allergies, but I have felt poorly since Fantasia Fair Thursday. The lack of sleep during the Fair certainly played a part in it, but something else was going on and I had to take mass quantities of Vitamin C to try to keep things in check.

Vitamin C got me through the Fair, but when I returned home, I began feeling worse and started a regimen of allergy medicine to get me through it. Today, I still feel out of sorts and have a very low level of energy.

I do not feel up to visiting Dress Barn to set up a party for my support group, do not have much interest in dressing for Halloween, and the little woman convinced me not to do outreach tonight. So all my plans for this week have changed.

All things considered, I'd prefer to be in bed.

More Fantasia Fair Blogging

If you have not yet gotten your fill reading about Fantasia Fair, here are some postings from other blogs on the 2008 installment of the event:

* CDJanie's Blog has a collection of posts concerning Fantasia Fair. (Thank you Paula West for tipping me off about this one.)

* Diana’s Little Corner in the Nutmeg State: Off To Provincetown, MA On Cape Cod

* Morgans Journal: Craziness in my town #17

* Provincetown live .net: Provincetown Fantasia Fair 2008

* PTownMA: Personal Blog: Fantasia Fair and Round Up

Photo: Denise, Glenda, and myself taken at the Fantasia Fair Awards Banquet

This Week

Thursday evening, I am participating in a panel discussion on "LGBTQ communities" at St. Joseph College in West Hartford for an undergraduate course called "Cross-Cultural Psychology."

***

Friday is Halloween and I have no plans to dress in costume yet. There is nothing officially going on at work to celebrate the holiday, but I am keeping my ears open to find out if anyone is planning to wear a costume on Friday. If so, I may dress in costume, too. Then again, I may dress anyway even if no one else doing so.

***

Some time this week, I plan to visit the local Dress Barn to arrange a Very Indulgent Party for my support group. Here's the deal:

* Get up to ten friends (they'll do more, but ten keeps it fun for everybody) and book a party with Dress Barn by filling out their VIP form.

* I can book the party whenever I want, but they are willing to do it after hours if I want so we can have the entire store to ourselves.

* As the hostess, I get 25% off my entire purchase.

* My guests get 15% off.

* Staff will be there to help coordinate outfits.

* They provide refreshments.

Dress Barn has a reputation for being trans-friendly and they have hosted parties for trans girls before, so I expect they will go for it.

Fantasia Fair: Final Thoughts

Here is a shout-out to the new friends I made during Fantasia Fair:

* Andrea from Scandinavia
* Chantel from Los Angeles, CA
* Denise from Plymouth, MA
* Glenda from Cocoa Beach, FL
* Jan from Poughkeepsie, NY
* Joanne from Ontario, Canada
* Melissa from Hamden, CT

***

During my week en femme in Provincetown, I shopped, dined, and had many other encounters with civilians throughout Provincetown and never had a problem. Everyone I encountered was friendly and treated me like a lady with one exception. Twice, I bought items at Adams Pharmacy on Commercial Street.

First time, I found what I wanted to buy and stepped up behind a dude talking to the pharmacist who was standing at the cash register. The dude and pharmacist concluded their chat. I stepped up to the counter and the pharmacist turned his back on me and walked away instead of ringing up my purchase. I waited a minute or two for someone to ring me up. A middle-aged woman finally showed up to handle my purchase. She was very cold, avoided eye contact, and the only words out of her mouth was the amount of money I had to pay.

Second time, the same woman rang me up with the same level of frigidity.

In both cases, I was my charming self, but the only response I received was a blank cold stare. I would not say that Adam Pharmacy was transphobic, but they certainly were not transfriendly and being the only pharmacy in the center of town, I am sure they made a lot of money off the trans folks visiting town last week. Go figure!

***

I improved and streamlined my makeup skills during the week. Doing my makeup twice a day for a week, I found shortcuts to get the job done more quickly. ("Practice makes perfect.") By week's end, I probably shaved 15 to 20 minutes off my normal 1-hour makeup routine. I also was able to experiment with different looks and colors, which was a lot of fun!

***

I learned a lot about woman's footwear during my week en femme. Downtown Provincetwon uses cobblestones for many of its sidewalks and they are unforgiving when you wear high heels. I quickly learned which shoes to wear when I had a lot of walking to do, that is, my booties and my mid-heel pumps with the chunky heel. If I wanted to wear heels at an event, I carried them with me while walking in my comfortable shoes, then change to heels when I arrived at the event. Luckily, many events were in my hotel, so I did not have to carry heels around town that often.

***

I had a lot of fun mixing and matching separates (tops, jackets, skirts, pants) to create outfits during the week.

***

I reached a new level at Fantasia Fair. Femulating 24/7 for a solid week, you stop thinking about the fact you are femulating and begin living like a woman. All the techniques you use for femulation become second nature.; you no longer have to think about using those techniques because they are now natural. I believe that during Fantasia Fair, I came as close to being a natural woman as I can be and I hope that that second nature will stick with me forever.

***

Will I attend future Fantasia Fairs?

As my euphoria peaked at the end of the week, I told anyone who asked that I would be back next year and that I would begin saving money for the trip on Monday to make next year's trip possible.

After the banquet Saturday night, I began reconsidering my return next year or any year.

The civilians in Provincetown are aware that the circus is in town, which makes it impossible to pass. Every tall woman is a potential man, so the civilians check out every tall girl to see if that is the case. I never experienced anything untoward in Provincetown, but being a very tall girl, I soon became annoyed by the inspection that I (and all the other tall girls) had to undergo every time we walked outside.

If you are a closeted femulator and want to get out of the closet in a safe way, I highly recommend Fantasia Fair to you, but I don't need that. I could take the money I saved to bankroll a trip to Fantasia Fair and have a wonderful time shopping for a new wardrobe in the malls and outlet stores of Connecticut. Sure some people might gawk at me as I shopped, but most would not because (1) they would not be alerted beforehand that a crossdresser may be in their midst and (2) I often pass and do not attract attention to myself in a bad way, that is, in a way that gives away my birth gender.

I had a wonderful time at Fantasia Fair and I am sure I would have a good time if I attended again, but weighing the cost versus the potential of growing more as a woman, I think my money would be better invested elsewhere.

My friend Jamie hit the nail on the head. During one lunch, she distributed ballots to the Fantasia Fair attendees to vote for the Miss Cinderella Award. Another friend suggested that everyone vote for me, but Jamie remarked that the purpose of the award is to recognize the attendee who blossomed the most during the Fair and that Staci had blossomed before attending the Fair.

Nuf said!

Fantasia Fair: Day 7, Part 2

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2008

(Fantasia Fair: Day 7 below has more photos and a few words about Day 7. This post details Day 7 more fully.)

After my wonderful Friday, I was so tired that I stayed in bed instead of immediately getting up when I awoke.

When I finally got out of bed, I packed everything I did not need for the day so that I would not have to pack later (or on Sunday) to facilitate a quick getaway the next morning. By the time I was ready to go out, it was 10:30 AM.

It was another beautiful day weather-wise and I didn't need any outerwear, but I was kind of tired and did not feel like window-shopping the length of Commercial Street again. So, I chose to go to Lezli Whitehouse's workshop on voice and movement, even though it was already in progress.

I missed the voice portion and came in near the beginning of the movement portion. An hour later, I felt that I was moving and presenting in a more feminine manner than I had been an hour earlier, so the workshop was a success for me.

By the way, after the "walking the walk" workshop earlier in the week, I made a concentrated effort to move my hips in a feminine manner when I walked. I started feeling a difference in my walk around Thursday and I think I am finally getting it!

Lunch was at Napi's again and was excellent again.

The keynote address followed lunch and was presented by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Titled "Growing up Haunted," Jennifer read excerpts from her last two books. She is a great story-teller and was very entertaining. I did notice a hole in the plot of her "hiding in the attic wearing her sister's wedding gown" story (what happened to the flashlight), but I enjoyed her presentation nonetheless.

The Fantasia Fair Awards Banquet was on tap for the evening, so I returned to my room to get ready. I touched up my face and bod with an electric razor, then applied a new layer of warpaint. My makeup was flawless, but there was a problem that would affect me all night long. As soon as I made up my eyes, they started watering and all night long, I was wiping tears away. I had been fighting allergy symptoms the second half of the week and I think that was the cause (and not bad makeup or dirty makeup brushes) because I had the same watery eye problem all day yesterday without wearing makeup.

I slipped into the gown that I borrowed from my friend Patty's closet, added bling, and my strappy sequins sandals and I thought I looked fabulous! (The gown, not me, received a lot of compliments throughout the evening.)

Next, I had to decide which wig to wear. I had my long, curly auburn wig and I intended to wear it in an up-do using the silver combs that Patty lent me, but the wig would not cooperate and I gave up trying to tame that mane.

I liked the way my short blonde wig looked the previous night, so I decided to play with it a bit. Instead of shaking it out and finger combing it as I usually do, I combed it all out using my wig comb. Instead of a casual do, I ended up with a more formal do. Then, I started playing with height and managed to tease enough wisps of hair up to create a little crown. Then I applied mass quantities of hair spray to make sure that my do was not going anywhere.

I was happy with the results. (You can see them for yourself in the photo above right.) During the banquet, a pretty waitress said, "I love your hairdo," so I guess I did good.

The banquet was at a restaurant about ten minutes away by car and Diana gave me a lift. We arrived in plenty of time, found a table for four, and dug into the fabulous appetizers. (In my opinion, the appetizers were better than the main course.)

Denise and Glenda joined us and we had a great evening conversing, kibitzing, taking photos, and watching the awards presentation. No one at our table won anything.

The bash ended at 10 PM and Denise gave Jan from Poughkeepsie and I a ride back into town leaving us off in front of my hotel. Jan suggested we go to the piano bar in the hotel, so we entered the bar and walked its length, but there were no empty seats. However, we sure attracted a lot of attention as we passed through. So, we camped out on the veranda next to the bar and soon were joined by a contingent of trans girls and friends returning from the banquet.

Sue Nagel from Joy of Nails in Waterbury sat next to me and we talked about the purpose of the Fair and the services she provides at her shop. Like the Fair, her shop gives closeted crossdressers an opportunity to dress in a friendly environment outside the closet. I told her that I might visit her shop for a makeover and she didn't think I needed one because I pass so well.

On that note, I excused myself, returned to my room, finished packing and went to bed.

I slept a few hours, rose at 4:30 AM, and was on the road at 5:30 AM.

My week en femme 24/7 was over and I was exhausted from it, but I think I have reached a new level. More about that in my next blog posting in which I summarize the week.

Fantasia Fair: Day 6, Part 2

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2008

(Fantasia Fair: Day 6 below has more photos and very few words about Day 6. This post details Day 6 more fully.)

This turned out to be a very busy and full day! It was a very emotional and fun day, too!

After getting ready and having my continental breakfast, I attended a presentation by my friend Diana L titled "Building a Grassroots Coalition for Trans-Issues." I helped Diana before and after her presentation, which was very good. Not many people showed up and I think that might be due to a last minute change in locations for Diana's presentation.

Lunch was at the same location as Diana's presentation, i.e., Napi's Restaurant. (By week's end, I ended up eating lunch at Napi's three times and each time, the meal was excellent and included delicious desserts.)

After lunch, I went back to my hotel for the keynote address du jour: "Transgender Victories and Challenges" by Mara Keisling. Ms. Keisling is a good speaker, her subject was interesting, and the time flew by.

Next, I attended a group session for trans people who are attending Fantasia Fair without their Significant Others (SOs). Titled "Cinderella - Alone in Paradise," the session was run by Sandra Cole, who is "is a sexologist, nationally AASECT Certified as a sex educator and sex counselor, and for thirty-eight years has been faculty in University academic medicine. For the past 25 years she has been friend and colleague with the transgender community, working with transgender individuals and their partners on topics of sexual health, intimacy and relationships. Over a period of 20 years she has conducted scores of important group discussions at Fantasia Fair, where she experiences many wonderful friendships, amazing programs and creative events." (from the Fantasia Fair Web site)

Six of us attended the session and we each poured our hearts out telling our stories about our relations with our SOs. I broke down near the end of my turn to speak. I am not going into details except to say that Sandra was very supportive of me and said that considering my circumstances (which she said were "difficult"), there is nothing wrong in what I do in order to be the real me. She made me feel great about what I do and I am so glad that I decided at the last minute to attend her group session instead of attending the "Fierce Evening Makeup" presentation.

The session went 30 minutes over its two-hour allotment and I think we all would have been willing to stay and talk things out longer except that we all had other commitments, in my case, getting ready for the Fantasia Fair Follies and the Post Follies Fetish Party.

I did not pack for fetish. The only things I brought that I thought were remotely fetish were my black booties and my black fishnets, so I had to decide what to wear with my "fetish" leg and footwear. I slipped on my Victoria's Secret black sequins sweater tunic, but it is so low-cut that all the bras I brought with me would show. I tried a cami to hide my bra, but that looked lousy. Finally, I decided to go bra-less and after adding some bling and my short blond wig, I achieved a six-foot-two Joey-Heatherton-like look!

I thought I looked very hot and throughout the night, a lot of other people agreed with my personal assessment. (The photo above right shows me and TM before the Follies began.)

The Follies were downstairs in my hotel's theater, so I did not have far to go and when I showed up, I received the oohs and aahs of trans people and civilians alike. Wow... did I feel great! I wanted everyone to see me, so I kept getting up to walk around and talk with anyone I knew.

The Follies is a fund-raiser for a local soup kitchen, so during intermission, Donna Marie, the head of the Fantasia Fair "volunteers," handed me a bucket to go around the hall to ask for donations. Perfect! I strutted my stuff throughout the crowd filling the bucket with greenbacks and filling my ears with compliments. ("You are so pretty," was my favorite compliment of the evening.)

By the way, the Follies were excellent and showcased a lot of talented people, some of professional caliber. The show seemed to fly by and the next stop was the Fetish Party at Club Purgatory.

Since we had not eaten since noon, Denise from Plymouth and I stopped for pizza slices on the way to the Fetish Party. Needless to say, we were way overdressed for a pizza palace and were gawked at by the help and customers alike.

Next stop was the Fetish Party. A few people dressed somewhat fetishly, but the majority were dressed more clubby than fetishly.

The music was loud and the beat was infectious at Club Purgatory; so much so that I decided to dance. Chantel from L.A. was nearby and she became my first victim. I danced my ass off for about ten minutes, then we quit for awhile. As I left the dance floor, a gay dude asked if I won the best evening gown costume. I said there was no such contest, but thank you for the compliment anyway.

Fifteen minutes later, I was ready to dance again and Glenda from Cocoa Beach was my next victim. I really got into it again, dancing as furiously and femininely as I could with the light show and the music molding me into a dancing queen. I reached a new level... I was no longer a femulator, I was a woman, at least in my mind. People at the bar were watching me and I continued to give them something worth watching. It was a fabulous moment, probably the highpoint of my week.

I didn't want to stop, but after 15 minutes or so, my thighs ached and needed a break. As I left the dance floor, the gay dude (I do not pay much attention to gay dudes, so I am not sure if he was the same dude who commented on my "evening gown") said I was the only one on the dance floor who knew how to dance. I thanked him and quickly scurried to a group of friends for protection in case he wanted to pursue me.

Wow! What a night! The crowd was thinning out as closing time approached, so I returned to my hotel walking on a cloud.

Fantasia Fair: Day 5, Part 2

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2008

(Fantasia Fair: Day 5 below has more photos and a few words about Day 5. This post details Day 5 more fully.)

I was up and at 'em (or more like "up and Eve") and into my female morning routine (shower, shave, makeup, pick an outfit to wear, dress, continental breakfast, and make my plans for the day).

The morning talks did not interest me, so I decided to go shopping again. The weather was the nicest so far.

My goal was to visit a vintage clothing store. The store had some delicious vintage clothing on display in its windows, but it was closed when I was in the neighborhood on Wednesday.

I walked about a mile to the store, but it was closed even though its posted hours indicated that it should be open. I was disappointed.

I window-shopped my way back down Commercial Street and visited some of the stores of interest, but I did not find anything I wanted to buy.

Soon it was time for lunch. My lunch ticket for the day was for my own hotel, so I returned to my room to freshen up, then went downstairs to the dining room on the enclosed veranda.

Lunch that day was a disappointment. Despite the pleasant weather, it was not warm enough to be sitting on a veranda to eat a meal and I was uncomfortable. Also, the food was only so-so. On a positive note, the luncheon conversation with the other girls was fun (I found the conversations over meals this week were always great fun and I tried to sit with new people as often as possible to make the conversations even more interesting.)

The keynote address at 1 PM was a panel discussion titled "State of the Trans Union." I especially wanted to hear the words of my favorite trans personality Ethan St. Pierre, but others on the panel spoke more than he did and I was a little disappointed. However, it was an excellent discussion (Stephen Whittle's words were worth the price of admission). I hung around for the open discussion after the panel discussion ended, but I just listened and did not participate because I did not have anything to offer.

Most of the Fantasia Fair attendees from my support group made a date to dine together at the Lobster Pot, a restaurant with rave reviews from folks, who had dined there in the past.

I changed into my outfit for the evening and primped (see photo above right) for my night out. Then I walked the four or five blocks to the restaurant in my short bubble skirt, which attracted the attention of some of the passerbys.

Three of my friends were waiting outside the restaurant, including one of my biggest fans, Teresa Marie (aka TM), who jokingly pointed out that my skirt was too short for the weather. (I call TM "one of my biggest fans" because she tells everyone that in her opinion, I am pretty.)

After two other friends showed up, we went inside to join still other friends, who already were seated in the restaurant. As we girls entered the dining room, I noticed that we caught the attention of a table of six or eight civilians, who were gawking at us. Before I sat down, I waved at them using my girliest limp-wristed wave. They did not wave back.

Dinner was excellent. I had three crab and seafood cakes topped by hunks of lobster meat. It was so filling that I could only eat one and one-quarter of the cakes. And, as usual, the dinner conversation was wonderful.

After dinner, we went to Club Purgatory for karaoke. Fifty-seven years on the Planet Earth and I have never seen karaoke in person, much less participate in karaoke, but I was going to do karaoke this night.

I so wanted to do Wendy by the Beach Boys, but it was not one of the available karaoke tunes. As a long time Beach Boy fan, I know a lot of their songs by heart, but they had only two to choose from: Fun Fun Fun (one of my faves) and California Girls (one of my least favorite Beach Boy hits), so I signed up to karaoke the former and put my sign-up sheet in a fishbowl with the other sign-up sheets.

It was my lucky day... not! The DJ picked my name out of the fishbowl to be the first karaoke performance! No, not me! I was hoping to witness a few karaoke performances before my turn came up. Holey Shirt! I was so not prepared for this!

By the way, I did not get lubricated for this event. In fact, the only alcohol I drank all week was two glasses of wine at the welcoming reception Sunday night. In retrospect, I should have gotten well lubricated before my maiden karaoke performance, but so it went and I was called up by the MC, who was a professional drag performer.

Before I began, I mentioned to the MC that I was a novice and she announced that fact to the crowd. So I hoped that the crowd would be sympathetic if things did not go so well.

Things did not go so well. I lost my place after the first verse of the song and it took me another verse to catch up with the music. I also sang in falsetto and did not sound much like Brian Wilson... more like Minnie Mouse. Despite my awful performance, the crowd cheered me on and most people said I did OK (they were too kind).

I decided to try and redeem myself, so I signed up for another song: Shania Twain's Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under, which I kind of knew because I had practiced singing it when I was considering lipsyncing it for my support group's banquet entertainment.

Second time around, I did better than the first time. I sang in my natural voice and I kept up with the music most of the time. The crowd reacted well, just like the first time. (My guess is that they were well lubricated!)

In retrospect, I should have picked Man! I Feel Like a Woman, which I knew cold. I think the key to doing karaoke is to pick a song you know by heart and just sing your heart out to the music and avoid reading the lyrics appearing on the karaoke screen. Next time...

Around midnight, the crowd was thinning out and my friend, Denise from Plymouth offered to give me a ride back to my hotel, which I gladly accepted. (Even though Provincetown has a very open, liberal, and diverse population, I was still concerned about walking the streets alone late at night especially the way I was dressed!)

I had a wonderful day on Thursday and went to sleep with visions of female impersonators dancing in my head.