Fantasia Fair Diary: Day 0

(updated below)

This is the first installment of my Fantasia Fair Diary.

Today, I will be busy packing and getting things done around the house in preparation for my departure Sunday morning. So I won't be doing much blogging today.

Fall is Here

The weather here turned very fall-like yesterday with the temperature getting down to 38 degrees overnight. I expect to see similar weather conditions this week in Provincetown, 150 miles to the east.

Provincetown Webcam

My friend Diana posted this item on The My Husband Betty Message Boards last night and I want to pass it along to you here:

"For those who want to watch the coming and goings in P'town during Fantasia Fair, here is the Webcam on the corner of Commercial Street and Lopes Square (the town pier)."

The Webcam is about two block from where I am staying, so if you are patient enough, you might see me live from Provincetown.

UPDATE: I finished packing at 12:30 PM and the car is loaded and ready to go. But, I have a stomach ache and feel anxious.

Hopefully, I will be able to relax the rest of the day.

9 pairs of shoes

I started packing for Fantasia Fair last night and discovered that shoes, especially high heels eat up a lot of space.

Do I really need nine pairs of shoes for seven days and nights en femme?

I don't think so.

Three or four pairs are staying home.

Thankfully, I won't have to pack rain gear because the weather forecast for Fantasia Fair still looks good with temps in the mid-to-high 50s during the day and mid-40s at night. The only precipitation in the forecast is for the second Sunday, which is the day I drive home, so it really the won't rain on my parade en femme. (Just in case, I always have an umbrella stowed in my car anyway.)

crossdress like a star for Halloween

Just two weeks to go until National Femulator's Day, also known as Halloween. If you have not decided how to femulate on the 31st of the month, InStyle.com presents some ideas in their "Dress Like a Star for Halloween" slideshow.

The slideshow offers 12 suggestions for impersonating a "star" on Halloween. One and one-half of the suggestions are for male stars, but the rest are for female stars, although, I have to admit that I have never heard of some of them.

Josou Paradise

I occasionally search YouTube for trans-related videos and in doing so, I found about a half dozen or so from a Japanese television show.

Each of these videos shows a group of people standing on stage in front of an alcove whose contents is hidden by a curtain. Soon the curtain rises to reveal a seated pretty young woman and the audience oohs and aahs her. According to the description that accompanies the videos, the young women are actually young men dressed en femme. The oohing and aahing is justified because they look great.

I always wondered about the premise of the show, but not enough to research the subject. Yesterday, while researching something else on the Internet, I happened upon some Web sites that revealed what was going on. There is not a lot of information to be had, but here is what I managed to dig up. (If anyone has anymore information about this show, please pass it along.)

The television show is called "Gakkou e Ikou! MAX" and the crossdressing occurs on a segment of the show called "Josou Paradise." During Josou Paradise, a young man ("school ages") appears en femme as described above.

The femulation is so good that some people in the audience cannot believe that the young woman is actually a young man. To prove it, the doubters are encouraged to feel the femulator's breasts to determine if they are real!

Males in the audience can kiss the femulator, but this is done by putting a sheet of glass between the two as they kiss.

Sometimes, the femulator goes out and interacts with the public. On one occasion, a group of femulators participated in a fashion show intended for young women.

This popular youth-oriented variety show went off the air in September after an 11-year run.

Can you imagine an American version of Josou Paradise appearing on television here? You can be sure that I would be a regular viewer.

dressing your age

Dressing your age is a topic that comes up often in the femulator community.

Critiques say that many femulators dress too young for their age. They claim that short skirts, high heels, long hair, etc., are attributes of women and femulators under the age of 40, not old broads like me. They advise that women and femulators over the age of 40 should dress more conservatively.

I disagree. I am 57 and I don't think I look my age, so why should I dress my age? Why can't I be chic and dress stylishly.

To prove my point, look at this slide show on the Atlanta Examiner Web site. It presents photos of female celebrities aged 40 to 68, who they consider the "sexiest older women." These women are not dressing their age because they don't look their age.

One of the "sexiest older women" is actress Jane Seymour and I consider her my bellwether because we are about the same age (she is three weeks older than me). She dresses to kill, so why shouldn't I?

If you got, flaunt it.

last minute shopping

(updated below)

I started packing for Fantasia Fair last night. Yes, I don't leave for Provincetown until Sunday, but I have so much stuff and so little time.

I still need a couple of items and I will take an early lunch to find them, specifically, a pair of flats and a long scarf to accessorize my evening gown.

By the way, the weather forecast (according to Accuweather) looks promising for the whole week at Fantasia Fair: no precipitation and daytime temps in the mid 50s. I can live with that considering some of the bad weather stories I have heard about at past Fairs.

UPDATE: I scored a nice pair of black flats ($13) at Payless and a scarf/wrap ($9.99) at Burlington Coat Factory. I also bought a new black pocketbook ($19.99) at Burlington. It has lots of zippers, compartments, and a long shoulder strap, which these days is becoming a rare commodity, yet is so important for tall girls like me.

crossdressed in the past

William S. Osborne en femme in Boston circa 1901. (Click on the image to enlarge it.)

forced "man" dressing

My personality tends to be more female than male without even trying!

During the first half of my life (so far), my peers perceived me as a "sissy." This is not just an assumption on my part; I was told to my face many times that I was a "sissy" or the equivalent.

I did not go out of my way to be a sissy, rather I was just acting naturally. My personality directed me to do things a certain way. The problem was that that way sometimes did not meet the expectations of how a "man" would do things.

When I realized that something was amiss, I began forcing myself to do things the way a "man" does things in order to be accepted as a "man" in society and not be shunned as being effeminate.

Often, I felt uncomfortable when I forced myself to be a "man." As time passed, I learned that being accepted in society as a "man" was not worth the effort. So as I grew older and wiser, I forced myself less often and let my personality act naturally more often.

I also began crossdressing more publicly at that time in my life* and my open crossdressing went hand-in-hand with my decision to stop forcing myself to act like a "man."

I enjoyed dressing as a woman and my normal personality did not conflict with the way I dressed, i.e., I was not a "man in a dress." Again, this is not an assumption on my part; I have been told more than once that when I crossdress, my personality is a natural fit for the way I am dressed.

I realized that the natural way for me was often the the feminine way, but so what? Why was I forcing myself to be something that I was not? So, I stopped acting like a "man" and instead, acted like "me."

So, why don't I drop the other shoe, i.e., why do I still force myself to appear as a man most days of the week? I stopped acting like a "man" long ago and have been acting like "me" ever since, so why don't I stop dressing like a "man" and begin dressing like "me"?

That is the question.

* FYI, I began crossdressing regularly in my early teens, but I had a keen interest in crossdressing much earlier and probably crossdressed for the first time when I was about 8 years old. I crossdressed in public (Halloween) for the first time in my late teens and I crossdressed in public (not Halloween) for the first time in my mid-30s.

prep work

In preparation for Fantasia Fair, I shaved my armpits yesterday.

Of all the body parts I depilitate, my armpits are the most sensitive and I must follow a routine a few days before I go out en femme in order to have armpits that are hairless and painless.

I apply Gold Bond powder first. Then, I use the sideburn trimmer of my electric razor to remove the long hair. Next, I apply powder again and use the rotary blades of my electric razor to remove the remaining hair. Then, I apply the powder again.

Next day and perhaps another day or two, I apply powder and eschew deodorant because the deodorant will burn like heck. After two or three days, I can use deodorant again.

Maybe there is a better way, but this way works for me.

borrowing

My best friend Patty offered to lend me some things for Fantasia Fair, so yesterday, I took a long lunch to visit her and see what she had to offer.

In addition to providing an excellent lunch (soup, salad, and freshly baked bread), she presented me with a half dozen outfits, coats, and jewelry that I could borrow. The outfits included beautiful formal and semi-formal dresses and a pants outfit. The coats came in an array of colors and styles.

I hauled my haul home and tried everything on today. Two of the dresses fit perfectly including my favorite of the bunch: a long beaded grayish-blue sleeveless crochet dress that I now plan to wear to one of the Fantasia Fair banquets. The other dress that fit was a long black velvet dress with see-through short sleeves and I plan to wear it out to dinner at Fantasia Fair. The other dresses and the pants outfit were lovely, too, but they were too tight in the chest, so I will not be packing them for the trip to Provincetown.

The coats all fit and I will be taking a selection of them to Fantasia Fair and the jewelry accessorizes the beaded dress, so that will be coming along for the ride, too.

Thank you so much for your generosity, Patty!

changes

If you have visited here before, you may have noticed that I made some changes to the layout of this blog.

The biggest change is adding the left sidebar. That new sidebar contains items related to this blog, while the right sidebar contains items external to this blog.

This is a work in progress and I will continue tweaking the format for a day or so.

plan B

"The gown" arrived yesterday. It is beautiful, but it is too small.

So with only a little over a week before I leave for Fantasia Fair, I am working on an alternate plan on what to wear to the Fantasia Fair banquets.

I may rerun something I wore in the past or I may buy something new if I can find something I like in a local store (no time left for mail or online ordering).

shopping for the Fair

(updated below)

I took an early lunch and went to the mall to shop for my week en femme at Fantasia Fair. I intended to shop for three things: silver shoes to go with my evening gown, false eyelashes, and a pair of pants.

For false eyelashes, I went to the M·A·C counter at Macy's. I told the saleswoman that I wanted false eyelashes that looked natural. She suggested two pairs and I picked one . I was surprised that the eyelashes did not include glue; it was a separate item that I had to purchase.

Speaking of separates... after considering what I wrote yesterday about mixing and matching separates to save space in my luggage, I decided I needed a nice pair of black pants. Since I have never bought woman's pants before (leggings yes, pants no), I decided to go to a store where I was likely to get assistance from a salesperson: Lane Bryant.

I knew what I wanted, but I was overwhelmed with the selection. After trying to look as lost as possible, a saleswoman asked me if I needed help. I told her I did drag and that I wanted a nice pair of black pants around size 16 Tall.

She was very helpful and found two pairs of black "Right Fit Lafayette pants," one pair in size 2 Tall and the other in size 1 Tall. She showed me to the dressing room and I tried on the size 2 Tall first. It fit fine. Then, I tried on the size 1 Tall and it fit more snugly than the 2 Tall. I was not wearing a girdle (or a mirdle), so I figured that the size 1 Tall would be a perfect fit when I wear them with my girdle.

The pants cost $49.50, but by opening a Lane Bryant credit card, I saved 15% and the total cost came to $35.76.

Online, Payless had a pair of shoes that I liked, so I visited the Payless store at the mall, but they did not have the shoe in my size. I looked at shoes in the other stores and only one pair (in Macy's) caught my eye, but the price tag ($99) scared me away.

I stopped at another Payless store near work, but they did not have the shoe in my size either, however, the saleswoman did a search and found a pair in another Payless store that I can stop by on my way home from work this afternoon. (Wish me luck.)

UPDATE: The third Payless store had the shoe in my size and with the referral from the other store, I received a $3 discount. I also bought the matching handbag, which was on sale for $11, but I only paid $5.50 because Payless is having a BOGO (Buy One, Get One half off) promotion.

if I became a man, would you pay me more?

Catherine Price writes in today's edition of broadsheet, "Researchers from the University of Chicago and New York University looked at the experiences of transgender people in the workforce -- that is, people who had either transitioned from male to female or female to male -- and analyzed how their gender switch affected their pay. The result, as Time puts it, 'suggests that raw discrimination still remains potent in U.S. companies.'"

Read all about it here.

to pack or not to pack

One of the first things I did when I knew I was going to Fantasia Fair was start working on a list of what to pack for seven days en femme.

My previous longest stint en femme was four days at the IFGE Convention in 2004. Being anal retentive, I saved my packing list from that event and I used it as a reference while making my list for Fantasia Fair 2008.

To start, I listed the day-to-day Fantasia Fair activities and assigned one outfit to each. This resulted in six daytime outfits, six evening outfits, and one special occasion outfit.

Since I favor dresses over skirts, pants, and tops, mixing and matching separate pieces does not make much of a dent in my packing list, but I am reconsidering and may revise my list to include separates that I can mix and match to save some packing space.

Truth of the matter is that despite the list, I over-packed in 2004 (ten pairs of shoes) and probably will over-pack next weekend, but at least the list serves as a reminder of the "necessities" that I must be sure to bring with me to Cape Cod.

Currently, my packing list includes ten pairs of shoes, but I want to pare that down a bit. Shoes, especially heels, take up a lot of packing space. But shoes are also my weakness and I bet ten pairs make the roundtrip to Provincetown.

Do I really need four wigs? Do I really need three pocketbooks? My answers are probably "no" and "yes," respectively.

Wigs don't take up much space, but I am sure one of the four will stay home. On the other hand, pocketbooks like shoes, take up a lot of space, but I will probably take three because I "need" all three to match the outfits I plan to wear.

Luckily, I am driving my Subaru to Fantasia Fair (over four hours door-to-door) because I don't know how I would pack if I was flying. (FYI, some girls suggest shipping ahead by UPS, Fedex, or your carrier of choice.)

shipped

I ordered my evening gown for Fantasia Fair on September 14.

According to the seller, it would take 10-14 days to make the gown and 5 days maximum to receive it after they shipped it, which means they would ship it, worst case, around September 29.

Everyday, I checked the order status and as of yesterday, they were still making the gown (a week past the day they should have shipped it). With Fantasia Fair quickly approaching, I started formulating Plan B in case the gown did not arrive in time.

Good news! I checked the gown's status this morning and they shipped it! So, I should have it by week's end and in plenty of time for Fantasia Fair.

crossdressed in the past

Female impersonators performing circa 1965. (Click on the image to enlarge it.)

You have to be yourself. It's really all you can ever be.

So far, I have one "follower," Zagria. She has a blog called Gender Variant Biography, so I decided to visit it.

I spent an hour or so browsing Zagria's blog, which assembles biographies of "gender variant" people from the present, as well as the recent and distant past. I congratulate Zagria for her research and highly recommend that you visit her blog. I found the biographies fascinating especially those that were new to me.

One biography, Paul Whitehaed's, brought up a topic that is near and dear to my heart, that is, coming out publicly as a crossdresser. In a nutshell, Paul is an artist and a crossdresser, who en femme is Trisha Van Cleef, who is also an artist. Paul is public about his crossdressing and sometimes Paul and Trisha exhibit their artwork together.

After reading that, I was hooked and had to find out more, so I searched the Internet and Google came up with an interview on Alice Novic's Web site Alice in Genderland.

The interview provided more fascinating reading and Paul's answer to the last question of the interview was inspiring. If you read anything, make sure you read the last answer from which the following quote originates, "You have to be yourself. It's really all you can ever be."

After reading the interview, I felt the same as I did when I read the Grayson Perry interview.

Nearly a year ago, I wrote this about Grayson Perry here, "She is my hero/heroine because she is a public personality (like me), who happens to be a crossdresser (like me) and is very out about it (unlike me)...

"I have considered coming out as a crossdresser in my writing world... sort of run it up the flagpole and see who salutes and who burns down the flagpole. It certainly would spice up my life. Maybe I'll do it soon, maybe never, but it is something to think about."

And I do think about it a lot.

Many of my friends, relatives, and co-workers know (or suspect) that I am a crossdresser, so my official public outing would not surprise them. So what do I have to lose?

Probably not much, but, on the other hand, what would I gain? Most, if not all of the gains would be personally motivated, so would my selfish gains be worth the losses, no matter how few they may be?

I dunno.

With a week 24/7 en femme at Fantasia Fair looming on the horizon, I wonder if that experience might push me over the brink.

I'll find out.

more on less hair

Just a couple of additional thoughts regarding yesterday's discussion of hair removal products...

The containers of Veet that I bought yesterday were a bit more expensive than the containers of Nair I normally buy. However, Veet comes in a 13.5 oz/400 ml container vs. the Nair 5.4 oz/160 ml container, so that's two and one-half more times Veet than Nair for only a little bit more out of pocket. Also, I found a $2 discount coupon on the Veet Web site if I decide to buy Veet again.

Another advantage of Veet is that it comes in a pump container (like those hand lotion pump containers), which should make less of a mess than using the Nair squeeze container.

Veet also includes a plastic spatula to scrape off the hair. Dunno how useful that will be, but I will try it out.

A Tip

Finally, here is a tip when using Nair, Veet, or some other depilator.

Have a bottle of witch hazel and a face cloth handy in case you get the depilator on a sensitive body part. The witch hazel will cool the chemical burn and in my experience, prevent a rash and/or red skin that often follows some misplaced depilation.

Another Tip

Witch hazel is a great astringent. I use it on my face after shaving and before applying makeup. (I also love the scent of witch hazel.)

Nair vs. Veet

During my lunch hour, I went to my nearby discount department store to buy some things I needed at home. Near the top of my shopping list was Nair.

I have been using Nair like forever to remove hair and have learned what parts of my body to avoid because certain body parts do not like Nair at all. Those areas are my underarm area, areas near the base of my neck, and my nipple area. I am a happy Nair camper as long as I avoid those sensitive areas.

So, I visit the Nair area of my nearby discount department store and the Nair shelf is empty. I am shocked; there's nary a bottle of Nair to be found. (Maybe there is a crossdresser's convention in town and they bought up all the Nair! But, not likely because I would have heard about it.)

I noticed that there were a few bottles of a Veet on the shelf below the empty Nair shelf. I picked up a bottle and after reading the label, I concluded that it is similar to Nair, so I put two bottles in my shopping cart and kept on shopping.

During a break in the action at work this afternoon, I decided to see what the Internet had to say about Veet. I read the reviews and I became very worried about my purchase. Three out of four reviews were negative with reviewers complaining about all sorts of skin problems related to their use of Veet.

I was ready to get back in my car and go get a refund, but before I took that step, I checked to see how Nair faired in the Internet reviews.

Turns out that the Nair reviews were as bad as the Veet reviews. It seems that more people are more sensitive to Nair than I am, so I assume the same goes for Veet and I am safe, but I am holding onto my receipt just in case.

Michelle Obama Chooses Fast Fashion

Spotted: Michelle Obama wearing an H&M dress! BlackBook reports Obama wore the "Narciso Rodriguez–esque" dress while campaigning in Detroit, Michigan. Her sartorial choice was likely made in keeping with the current economic spirit as many might not find it prudent for our potential First Ladies to run around in designer outfits that cost $313,000.

Read all about it here.

call to P-Town

I phoned the hotel I will be staying at during Fantasia Fair to check on a few things.

Among other things, I wanted to find out if they have Internet access (so I can blog from the Fair). Turns out that they have free wifi.

I also wanted to find out about parking because their Web site says they do not provide overnight parking. Turns out that after Labor Day, parking is not an issue and that they do provide overnight parking.

Talking to the fellow at the front desk, I was impressed how friendly and welcoming he seemed. He actually sounded interested in the questions from this Fantasia Fair first-timer.

This was in high contrast to some of the hotel staff I have encountered at other trans events in the past* and he really made me feel comfortable about the prospect of staying at his establishment.

* One of the worst cases occurred when I was checking in at a hotel hosting a trans event about ten years ago. I was dressed en femme, yet the female at the front desk addressed me as "sir." It was not an auspicious start to that long weekend en femme.

three weeks until Fantasia Fair

Three weeks from now, I should be checked in at my hotel, dressed and ready to attend the first event, the welcome reception, of my 24/7 week en femme at Fantasia Fair.

I am so looking forward to Fantasia Fair! And I know it will be over before I know it.

By the way, I plan to keep a diary of my Fantasia Fair experience here on this blog with photos.

the seamy side of crossdressing

I have to get something off my chest.

A male gets dressed as a female on a television show or in a film. When he is finished, someone comments that his seams are not straight. In response, our hero checks out his gams, notices the unseemly seam and proceeds to adjust his hosiery to fix his fashion faux pas.

I think the first time I saw that scene was on the television show That Girl. On that show, Marlo Thomas's hapless boyfriend, played by Ted Bessell, had to dress as a woman for some reason and Marlo's father, played by Lew Parker, noted Ted's crooked seam(s).

Since that time, I've seen this scene repeated numerous times and each time I see it, it bothers me.

Why?

Because there are NO SEAMS!!!!!

I admit that you can still find, buy, and wear seamed hosiery (I know it, I've done it), but in every instance in a film or television show where the seam scene plays out, the crossdresser is not wearing seamed hosiery.

After I saw this scene a few times, I thought I was missing something and started looking for seams in my seamless hosiery! When I could not find any seams, I realized that the seam joke was just a carryover from the days when women and crossdressers wore seamed hosiery; I assume the writer(s) think that the joke is so funny that they continue to use the crooked seam joke despite the lack thereof.

Seamless hosiery began replacing seamed hosiery about the same time I started crossdressing. I distinctly remember that the first few pairs of stockings that I borrowed from my mother had seams, then suddenly, she started buying seamless stockings, and not much later than that, she switched to pantyhose that were also seamless.

By the way, this tirade was set off by a photo on flickr that I viewed earlier today in which a crossdresser is straightening his seams (according to the photo caption), yet he is wearing seamless hosiery.

I'm glad I finally got that off my chest. Now I feel better!

a boy wearing makeup

(I guess this is old news, but it is new news to me and maybe to you, too, so here it is.)

Mathieu Francis is the boy wearing makeup in A Boy Wearing Makeup, which is a series of videos that describe basic makeup application, as well as how to achieve certain looks and apply makeup like the stars (Mischa Barton, Jennifer Anniston, Sophia Bush).

According to the Web site, "If he looks this pretty, imagine what he can do for you! Check out these tutorials geared towards people of any age, any race, and any sex. The boy is here to provide you comic relief, fun make-up application, and to help you realized the potential in all of us to do and become everything we've always dreamed."

I have not viewed all the videos, but the videos I have viewed are very good and I recommend them to you.

tall pair

Greg nominated two additions to the Famous Females of Height list:

Pauley Perrette (left), the 5'10" actress currently appearing on the CBS television series Navy CSI NCIS.

Christina Hendricks (right), the 5'8" actress currently appearing on the cable television series Mad Men

Fantasia Fair update

An e-mail arrived informing me that I will be staying at the Crown & Anchor Inn in Provincetown during Fantasia Fair. Crown & Anchor is Fantasia Fair headquarters, i.e., where the action is during the event, so I feel lucky to be staying there.

my Emmy award

I watched the Emmy awards on television last night.

The hosts were annoying and Jimmy Kimmel was not funny, but there were many beautiful women wearing beautiful gowns that this femulating fashionista found fascinating.

My award for the best gown of the evening goes to January Jones, who wore a Dolce & Gabbana white corset-style goddess gown. (Ms. Jones appears on the basic cable series Mad Men.)

Rebecca Hall's tall

I saw the latest Woody Allen flick tonight, Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Vicky in the title was played by Rebecca Hall, who was excellent in the role.

Ms. Hall is also tall as was evident throughout the film, so I looked her up and she is 5'9" and thus qualifies as the latest addition to the Famous Females of Heights list.

Transgender Woman Wins Discrimination Lawsuit

According to today's Washington Post, a federal judge ruled yesterday that a former special forces commander was discriminated against when officials at the Library of Congress revoked a job offer after learning she was transitioning from being a man to a woman.

Read all about it here.

Staci says...

This case may be a breakthrough for the transgender community because the decision was based on the court's interpretation of the Civil Rights Act's prohibition against sex discrimination, not based on a law prohibiting gender discrimination.

This is important because the Civil Right's Act is federal law that is in place, whereas there is no federal protection against gender discrimination. Based on yesterday's decision, trans folk may be able to use the Civil Rights Act as a tool to protect their rights instead of waiting for a gender law to become reality.

being scarce

I will be scarce for the next five days. I am going away on vacation with limited Internet access, so blog postings will be few and far between until I get back.

wear-a-dress day

Shoot! I missed it!

Why wasn't I informed?

This past Monday was International Wear-A-Dress Day 2008 and I didn't know anything about it.

Wait 'til next year.

lipstick on a pit bull drag

Here's the lowdown on doing Sarah Palin drag for Halloween.

To tell you the truth, I'm more interested in a Michelle Obama wig, than a Sarah Palin wig, but that's me.

I'm not used to wearing heels

The most recent addition to our Famous Females of Height list, 5'11" Dara Torres modeled two looks for the presentation of Charles Nolan's spring collection during New York's Spring Fashion Week.

"Torres said she did worry... that she might stumble on the runway like Carrie Bradshaw did in 'Sex and the City.'"

"I'm not used to wearing heels," she explained. "I wear flats and flip-flops all the time."

Read all about it here.

where's Billy?

After I wrote the previous blog entry, "fiddling around," I searched the Internet to find an appropriate image to complement what I wrote and I came up with a photo of a beautiful woman playing a violin.

The woman in the photo reminded me of someone from my youth, my best friend in grammar school, Billy. I think Billy resembles the woman in the photo and vice versa.

I have not seen Billy in over 40 years, so I have no idea what he looks like today, but take the Billy I knew in the early 1960s, put him in drag, and he would be a dead ringer for the woman playing the violin.

I never saw Billy in drag, but I know he dressed as a girl for Halloween at least once and I suspect he is trans.

Billy and I were best friends throughout grammar school. I can't remember how we became friends, but we had a lot in common and that is what probably drew us together. We were both Polish, which was a rare commodity in our neighborhood, we both went to the same church (a Polish parish, needless to say), we were both artists, which put us on the outs with the school's "in crowd," and we both were fascinated in the opposite sex. We had crushes on certain girls, but we both were also scared of them and never did anything about our crushes, at least not in grammar school.

Around puberty, maybe in the 7th or 8th grade, I remember Billy hinting that we dress as girls for Halloween. At that time, I knew something was up with me gender-wise, but I didn't know what and the idea of dressing as a girl for Halloween was very attractive, but I was also in public denial about my gender issues and told Billy that I had no interest in his Halloween costume plans.

I don't remember what I wore for a costume that Halloween, but I do recall that I went out with my usual Halloween trick and treat partner in crime, my other best friend, who lived across the street.

In school the next day, Billy mentioned that he did dress as a girl, he trick and treated at my house and was disappointed that I was not home to see him in his costume. Note that Billy never before trick and treated my house, so he made a special effort that night to show me his girl costume.

Around this same time, I remember that one of us decided that we should adopt girl names (why - I don't know) and for days, he addressed me by my girl name, which was "Susan" and I addressed him by his girl name, which I cannot recall now.

As I mentioned above, we were both artists. He was very good at painting and I was a very good at sketching. As an outlet for my budding trans psyche, I spent a lot of my free time back then sketching males wearing female clothing. I must have killed a forest doing it. One day, Billy mentioned that he had been doing something similar and another day, he showed me some of his sketches. My reaction was to show disinterest.

But my real reaction was fear. I was in uncharted waters; I did not know what was going on with him (or me). I had enough trouble sorting out what was going on with me without having to deal with what was going on with my best friend, so I basically ignored him and I think that was the begiining of the end of a beautiful friendship. We hung out less during our last days in grammar school and ended up going to different high schools and after a few years, we were both out of each others' lives.

I think Billy was reaching out to me. He probably was just as confused as I was and maybe he thought he and his best friend would be better able to work things out as a team rather than solo. If that was the case, he was probably correct and I very much regret not reaching out to him and trying to work out together what the heck was going on. And so it goes.

Over the years, I learned through a mutual friend that Billy got married and lives two towns away, but our mutual friend said nothing about anything trans and I certainly did not ask.

But I often think about Billy and wonder if he really was trans (or was it just my 'magination) and if he ever did anything about it. I often hoped that one day he would show up at my support group and we could become best friends again except that this time we would be girlfriends.

fiddling around

Rome is burning while I fiddle around thinking about such things as what shoes to buy to go with my new evening gown.

If I put the time and effort that I spend femulating into something more important, would I make a difference? Maybe the world would be just a little bit better.

Maybe, maybe not.

Then again, maybe my efforts in femulation are doing some good. Personally, I know I get a lot out of it. And I know that writing this blog has helped a few people according to the feedback I have received.

But I am a worrier - always have been, always will be.

One of my biggest worries is what will other people think about me. If anything has been my downfall, it has been trying to please other people. I often succeed in making other people happy, but my success seldom makes me happy.

If I chose to please myself rather than please others throughout my life, I know my life would be different. Chances are I would have gone to NYC and tried to become a female impersonator instead of continuing my higher education to please my family.

What a sad sack I am! Maybe I need a vacation!

Crossdressed in the Past

Carlos "Bobby" DeCastro, female impersonator, circa 1958. (Click on the image to enlarge it.)

The Supremes and their fab gowns

Today's "Femulate This: Vintage Vriday" posting depicts Mary Wilson of The Supremes circa 1965.

I was a 1960s rock 'n' roller and The Supremes was one of my favorite groups from that era. In my opinion, their sound epitomized Motown in the 1960s. I bought most of their 45s and some of their LPs during the singing group's heyday.

In addition to their music, I loved their style. The gowns they wore on their television appearances were fab and I dreamed about starting my own singing group just so I could dress like them.

One thing holding me back was my singing voice or lack thereof. My singing voice has not prevented me from buying and wearing fabulous evening gowns. Occasionally, I even lip-sync while wearing one.

If I can get my act together in time, I hope to lip-sync at the Fantasia Fair Follies this year.

And speaking of gowns and Fantasia Fair, I finally found a gown to wear to the Fantasia Fair banquet (see photo to the right).

I searched and searched trying to find one similar to the gown that I wanted, but was not available in my size. The gown I found is very similar, costs less and they have it in my size! I plan to order it today.

like mother, like father

back to square one (evening gown saga, part 6)

Last time I wrote about this, I had e-mailed the seller to see if they had the evening gown I wanted one size smaller or one size larger than the size I ordered, which they did not have in stock.

The seller e-mailed me yesterday that the largest size they had in stock was two sizes smaller than the size I ordered.

No thanks. There is no way I can squeeze into something two sizes smaller. So, I asked for a refund and renewed my search for an evening gown.

What Has Sex Got to Do With It, Ex-Man Asks Court

This is an excellent commentary by Ann Woolner. I highly recommend reading it.

choking on my granola

(updated below)

Nothing like turning the page of the local newspaper first thing in the morning to find a huge full-color photo of a T-girl on the entertainment page. I almost choked on my granola!

Let me explain.

The political philosophy of the local newspaper is diametrically opposed to my own political philosophy. The newspaper is on the right side of the political spectrum, I am on the left. The newspaper's idea of diversity is to hire a white male that wears bow-ties.

The only reason I subscribe to the rag is because it is my hometown newspaper. In addition to informing me about what is going on in town, it also informs me about who has died. I am at an age where old friends are dying off and obituaries in the local rag are the only way I know about their deaths.

Anyway, I turn to the entertainment page this morning and there is a huge photo of trans actress Candis Cayne. The caption says something about Candis getting ready for the second season of her television series. There was no mention of her trans-ness.

Despite the "family values" purported by the editors of the local rag, they always are willing to show a little T & A on the entertainment page. I assume that they assumed the photo of Ms. Cayne was just another photo of a scantily provocatively clad actress that they could use to titillate their readers.

And my guess is if the editors knew a little bit more about Ms. Cayne's background, they would not have featured her photo today.

I think it is time to write a letter to the editor praising the paper for their display of diversity this morning.

UPDATE: I grabbed the photo of Ms. Cayne from the online edition of the newspaper and it appears above right replacing the photo of Ms. Cayne appearing on her television show, "Dirty Sexy Money," that I posted here originally.

"Fashion Rocks" host in drag

Around 10 PM last night, I remembered that "Fashion Rocks" was on CBS.

I don't mind watching beautiful models strutting their stuff amidst rock music. I can handle that. So, I switched channels to the local CBS affiliate and there was the host of the show, Denis Leary, in drag.

"Good timing," I thought.

Denis was wearing an evening gown, long blingy earrings, and carrying a matching purse and high heel pumps (his feet were too big for the pumps).

The joke was that the host kept whatever clothing he wore during the broadcast and this outfit was something his wife wanted.

Not much of a joke, but in the spirit of keeping you informed about all femulations I encounter, I have to report it here.

a trans victory in Maryland

Great news... Maryland's highest court today blocked a Montgomery County referendum aimed at repealing a new law that protects transgender people from discrimination.

Read all about it here.

High Heel Horrors

After reading this article about the health issues associated with wearing high heels regularly, I guess I found something positive about my inability to be en femme 24/7.

As long as I don't fall flat on my face from wearing high heels, the few hours once or twice a month that I wear heels is not likely to cause any long term harm.

On the other hand, if I was en femme 24/7, I probably would not wear heels all the time just like naturally-born women who are en femme 24/7.

5-Inch Heels: A Users Guide

Kira Craft wrote a user's guide and commentary on very high heels:

"Nice girls don't wear five-inch heels. Or at least- they didn't. Lately, the same skyscraper shoes you would find in the red light district have been given a spit and polish by the fashion cognoscenti."

Read the rest of the story here.

I never wore five-inch heels, but I came pretty close: a pair of black patent platform pumps with a 4¾-inch heel. I bought them a year ago and wore them once.

I've walked in many high heels before, typically in the 3½ to 4-inch heel range. The height of the heel has never affected my ability to walk. Pain in my toes or balls of my feet are usually the source of discomfort, if any.

My platform pumps were a different matter. Their 4¾-inch heel was not an issue, but their ⅞-inch platform took some getting used to.

I immediately noticed something different as I stood up after strapping on the platform pumps for the first time. While my heels were in contact the ground, the front of my feet were sitting on a platform ⅞-inch above the ground. This incongruity was apparent while walking, too.

I acclimated to walking in the platforms heels quickly, but they just did not feel as "natural" as walking in non-platform heels.

As I wrote, I only wore them once: when I modeled for a trans organization fund raiser last September. I wrote then, "The shoes I wore were surprisingly comfortable despite their 4¾-inch heels. I could not wear them while driving my car to and from the event because it was impossible and probably dangerous to manipulate the brake, clutch, and gas pedals wearing those shoes (I wore more sensible high heels for the trip), but I wore them all night at the fashion show and was not hobbled like I have been by shorter high heels."

I have not worn them since the fashion show because I think they would attract too much attention. Attracting attention modeling in a fashion show is a goal, attracting attention shopping in the mall is not, so I have put my platforms away until the next fashion show, assuming platforms are still in fashion when that opportunity arises.

crossdressed in the past

Another photo from the Eldorado in Berlin during the Weimar Era in pre-Nazi Germany. This one depicts four boys femulating girls.

crossdressed in the past

A group of girls and femulating boys having a good time at the Eldorado in Berlin during the Weimar Era in pre-Nazi Germany

nighty night, part 2

Good news is that the cami and tap sleep set that I ordered from Avon fit like a dream and I look forward to wearing them while I dream at Fantasia Fair.

evening gown, part 5

My evening gown saga continues.

I ordered the evening gown yesterday afternoon. Late afternoon, I received an e-mail telling me they were out of stock in my size.

What a disappointment!

I wrote back asking if they had the gown one size smaller, but I have not heard back from them yet. (Keep your fingers crossed for me.)

crap

Transsexual Files Complaint

September 5, 2008

WINDSOR LOCKS — - A transgender woman who says a local bar refused to allow her to sing on a karaoke night has filed a complaint with the state Liquor Commission.

Michelle Merrill says a manager at the Skyline Restaurant would not let her sing on Aug. 22 because she is a transsexual. The 35-year-old Enfield resident was born a male and began sex-change procedures 10 years ago.

Merrill says the manager told her other patrons complained that she used the women's bathroom and he didn't want people like her in the bar.

You can read the rest of the story here.

Crap like this happens all the time and articles about this kind of crap appears in the newspapers throughout the world regularly. This story is a little more personal because it is closer to home... about 45 minutes up the road at a restaurant right across the street from where I park my car when I travel by air from Bradley International Airport (BDL).

This isn't some hole-in-the-wall biker bar on some back road in Podunk. No, this is a restaurant in the heart of the BDL complex, a locale where you would think people would be more open-minded considering the diversity of people moving in and out of BDL 24/7.

I think this is all a result of the trickle-down philosophy of our current regime, which says that it is OK to crap on the poor, the non-white, the non-Christian, and/or the non-heterosexual in this country.

This country needs a change and I don't mean a name change ("McCain" for "Bush"). I pray to my Goddesss every night that a real change is going to take place real soon now and that the man from Illinois is going to lead us out of the valley of despair.

Goddess Bless America!

evening gown, part 4

The seller of the evening gown I was interested in buying to wear to the Fantasia Fair banquet finally responded to my e-mail. I was unsure if the gown would be long enough for someone my height (6' 2"), so I asked for its length.

The response was 52 inches from under the arm to the floor, which should be adequate. So, I will order the gown in a day or two.

finding my voice

I am easily distracted by thoughts of Fantasia Fair and the opportunity of being en femme 24/7 for seven days and nights.

The longest I have been en femme without a break was during the IFGE Convention in 2004. I arrived at the convention hotel late Wednesday afternoon, dressed female to attend a welcome cocktail party, and remained in female garb until the end of the banquet on Saturday night. So, the extent of my longest stretch en femme was about 3¼ days or 24/3.25. At Fantasia Fair, I will be en femme twice as long.

Back in 2004, I was not out and about. Support group meetings and organized support group outings were the extent of my en femme outings and I recall that during the first days of the convention, I refused to leave my hotel room unless accompanied by my roommate despite the fact that the whole hotel was full of trans-brothers and sisters.

As the convention progressed, I gained confidence and began moving throughout the hotel without requiring my roommate at my side. I had so much confidence that I even ventured outside the hotel to experience being en femme in the fresh air and I began speaking to "civilians" and not limiting my conversation to the other convention attendees.

By the convention's end, I felt that I had made a lot of progress. Today, I realize that the only progress I made during that long weekend was feeling comfortable and confident inside a very large closet.

Since then, I have made much more progress. I go out in public en femme and feel comfortable and confident during my outings most of the time. My "closet" now encompasses the world. Maybe not the whole world, but I consider that part of the world where I venture in boy mode as a safe place for me in girl mode, too.

So, going to Fantasia Fair, I am very comfy about being out and don't expect much personal growth in that area. However, one of my goals for personal growth is to find my female voice and I think that Fantasia Fair will offer an opportunity to achieve this goal by means of Lezli Whitehouse's workshop, "Introduction to Voice Transitional or Shifting Safely."

Here is the workshop description from the Fantasia Fair Web site:

"Add to your flexibility and vocal resilience as you would add to your wardrobe. Voices are very flexible, yet need to be understood in order to not cause damage. They need to be exercised shaped and monitored in order to create a shift, safely. This should be done with little stress and careful attention in order to create lasting habits that will take you where you want to go. This can happen with time, focus and some simple techniques to allow your inner voice to become more public and more confident. Your voice is what sets the tone for "who you are presenting" to the world. Even if you don't want to shift for a life time transition, why not put on the voice to match the rhinestone earrings, not the cowboy voice? Come explore your vocal possibilities. Lezli will guide and lead you through an exploration of the resonance, variety, musicality and soft-strength that is your Voice. As an extension of her workshops, Lezli is offering two additional mornings of Guided Warm-Ups, for those who want to maintain or nurture a feminine voice shift for the day or the week."

Sounds perfect! And I hope I will perfect a lady's voice by the week's end.

tall drink of water

Greg informed me that Olympic champion swimmer Dara Torres is 5' 11½" tall, so I have just added her to my ever-growing Famous Females of Height list.

Judge by Job Performance, Not Gender Identity

Majority of Americans Agree That Transgender Employees Should Be Judged by Job Performance, Not Gender Identity

According to a recent national survey, seven out of ten heterosexual adults (71%) agree that how an employee performs at their job should be the standard for judging an employee, not whether or not they are transgender.

Read all about it here.

nighty night

I am an Avon lady, i.e., I sell Avon products.

Last night, it was time to turn in my biweekly Avon order and as usual, before I do, I browse the catalogs and brochures to see if there is anything I need.

During my browse last night, I noticed the sleepwear on sale and I realized I have nothing to wear when I go to bed during the week I will be attending Fantasia Fair where I will be en femme 24/7. I could wear a pair of my boy mode pajamas, but that would ruin the mood of being female 24/7, so instead of pajamas, I will be wearing the lovely pleated cami and tap sleep set pictured here.

tall Krall

One of my favorite singers is Diana Krall and I just learned today that she is 5' 8½" tall, so I have duly added her to my Famous Females of Height list.

October 31

I am sitting at my desk at work yesterday afternoon and the administrator to the president of my division pops into my cubicle. She is relatively new, maybe on the job for three months, so we hardly know each other. She is checking out my face and says something like, "I wanted to see what you look like."

I am very puzzled and then she drops the other shoe: she heard I did drag on Halloween and wanted to see what I looked like en homme. Satisfied, she left my cubicle.

I went to work en femme for a Halloween contest back in 2003. I was surprised that five years later, people are still talking about it.

I was curious, so later in the afternoon, I visited her to find out who spilled the beans.

It seems she was in a meeting and joked that the company should have a cross-gender day where all the women come in dressed like men and all the men come in dressed as women. Someone else in the meeting, who has been with the company awhile, chimed in about how well I did drag.

She asked me what I wore and I told her about my pinstripe suit and auburn wig (see photo). Then, I told her I would e-mail her a photo. So I went back to my cubicle and e-mailed her a photo.

She responded that I looked very good, had good taste, and maybe I could do it again if the company decides to have another Halloween event.

I responded that I might wear a costume on Halloween whether there was a special Halloween event or not.

She responded, "Why not."

Don't be surprised if I do go to work en femme on October 31.

Michelle Obama

After Barack Obama's very excellent acceptance speech last night, his wife and children joined him on stage and I noticed that Michelle Obama was wearing flats (and a beautiful dress). I also noticed that even in flats, she was almost as tall as her husband. So, I looked her up and discovered that she is a statuesque 5' 11" tall.

As a result, I proudly add Michelle Obama to my Famous Females of Height list.

evening gown, part 3

I have received nothing but rave reviews concerning my choice of evening gown for Fantasia Fair (thank you all for your comments) and I am on the verge of ordering the gown as soon as I hear back from the seller.

I e-mailed the seller about the gown's length. Since I am 5' 14" tall, I want to be sure that the gown is long enough. So, keep your fingers crossed that it is indeed long enough.

evening gown, part 2

My search for an evening gown to wear to the big banquet at Fantasia Fair continued last night.

I found one that I really like (pictured here; click on the photo to make it bigger). What do you think?