The Radicalguy

Recently, Ethan St. Pierre interviewed my friend Jamie Dailey on his TransFM Internet "radio" program. As you may recall, Jamie is the femulator I outreached with last week.

I missed the live Internet broadcast, but I downloaded its podcast to my iPod and listened to the interview during my daily commute.

The interview was wonderful. It was my first encounter with Ethan St. Pierre, "The Radicalguy," and I was very impressed. He is a superb interviewer with a great sense of humor. He seemed very familiar with Jamie and their interview was more like a conversation between old friends.

I wanted to hear more, so I commanded iTunes on my MacBook Pro to download a directory of all the Radicalguy interviews that were available. I selected a couple of interviews from the directory (the Jennifer Finney Boylan interview and the Helen Boyd and Betty Crow interview) to download to my iPod and I have been listening to those podcasts the past few days.

I have not been disappointed. Those interviews are as good as Jamie's interview and I will likely download all of Ethan's podcasts to my iPod.

By the way, Ethan is a female-to-male trans and his spouse if male-to-female, so he is very familiar with our area of endeavor. Visit his Web site for more information.

shopping

During lunch, I drove to the grocery store to buy food for lunch and stopped at PayLess, which is on the way. I bought two pairs of shoes: black oxfords for boy mode and flower pumps for girl mode. The pumps are the shoes I blogged about last week ("my Mother's pumps") and I was pleased that they had a pair in my size.

I wonder what went through the cashier's mind while she rang up my diverse gendered purchase, which, by the way, was a real good deal. Payless is having their "buy one and get the second half-off" sale, so my purchase cost only $35.

Now, I have to find something to wear to go with my new shoes!

towering Tyra

During dinner, the television is usually on and tuned to the local news. During commercials, I usually switch to the channel that broadcasts the Tyra Banks show in the 5-6 PM time slot.

I check out her show because sometimes the topic of the show is related to my fashionista side and sometimes to my trans side. I also check out her show to check out Tyra to see what wig and outfit she is wearing. She always looks gorgeous and is an inspiration to this little old femulator. (Here is a link to see what Tyra and some of her guests have worn on past shows.)

She is also tall. On yesterday's show, she towered over everyone, male and female. The high heels she wore had something to do with her towering height, but I was curious as to how tall she really is.

So, after dinner, I searched the Internet and found that she is 5'10" or 5'11" depending on who you believe. Either way, she is tall.

a pageant for the third sex

"A pageant for the third sex" describes a recent beauty pageant for our trans-sisters in India. Read the whole story here.

"Girl With A Hoop" is a boy

Renoir’s Daughters: How Renoir Feminized His Sons by Cara Healey is an interesting piece about French artist Pierre August Renoir and how he used his three sons to pose as girls for his paintings.

What would Jesus do?

I recommend reading Just Like Jesus on Jess and T's Our Life in Pink blog.

my Mother's pumps

Today, I received an e-mail from Payless announcing a shoe sale. I checked out the sale because I like their shoes (they are inexpensive and there usually is a nice selection in my size).

While browsing their shoes, I had déjà vu when I saw this high heel pump that they call "Hilt." It is a dead ringer for the first woman's shoe I ever wore.

When I was about 12 years old, my experiments with femulation began one day when an inner voice convinced me to try on a pair of my mother's stockings while I was home alone.

I had seen my mother put on her stockings more than once, so I had a pretty good idea on how to do it and I emulated her successfully, i.e., I got them on without running them.

I then checked out my pre-pubescent hairless stockinged legs in my mother's full length mirror. Wow – they were as shapely as the legs of a woman!

My inner voice convinced me that they might look even more shapely if I slipped on a pair of my mother's high heels. So, I found a pair of her high heel pumps, ones that look just like Payless's Hilts, and slipped them on my feet.

I checked out my legs in the mirror again and again was impressed how shapely and womanly my legs appeared.

That was the beginning. The rest was her-story, specifically Staci's story.

Whenever I dressed secretly at home, I always favored that pair of my mother's pumps. They were so pretty and they were also the highest high heels she owned.

Her pumps are long gone, but I plan to go shopping at Payless real soon now and buy a pair of my own.

my day at Wesleyan University

Tuesday, I went to Wesleyan University in Middletown, CT, to do outreach for a class on 21st Century sexuality.

For the first time, I wore the "royal purple" zip-front V-neck dress that I bought from Newport-News in December. It is from their Shape FX collection, which they claim are "designed to make the body you have, look like the body you want."

I'm not sure how they do it, but every Shape FX outfit I own improves my figure and the dress I wore yesterday was no exception. In my notes from yesterday, I wrote that I thought I looked "fab."

By the time I was ready to go out, it was 10:45 AM. Since I was not sure how long it would take to drive to Wesleyan and find a parking space, instead of shopping before going to the school, I drove directly to Wesleyan and found a parking spot across the street from the classroom building where I was doing outreach.

I was 90 minutes early! I sat in the car for awhile taking in the beautiful scenery, then decided to get out in the fresh air. I walked to the entrance of the classroom building where there were benches and I sat there until the class began.

I did not take a coat of jacket with me and I thought that might be a mistake because the temperature was in the low 30s early on, but by the time I arrived on campus, the temperature was about 60 and perfect for what I was wearing.

The classroom building has a cornerstone dated 1903. I wonder how many crossdressers were doing outreach at Wesleyan 105 years ago!

Thinking about my own life, when I stepped out en femme for the first time to attend my first support group meeting, I would never have imagined that 20 years later, I would be out and about freely femulating in public and speaking about it to a college class. (You've come a long way, baby!)

And, although I am 20 years older, my presentation as a woman is much better today. I mastered a lot of the "tricks of the trade" and I think I pass some of the time. My penchant for high heels does not help me pass, but like I've said before, at 6'2", my height is already a show-stopper, so what difference will high heels make.

Jamie, the other crossdresser who was doing outreach with me, showed up and a few minutes later, Maureen Sullivan, the professor showed up and escorted us to the classroom.

It was a small class: about 15 students, about half female and half male. I went first and talked for about 15 minutes, basically reciting my biography. Jamie spoke after me and covered more generic trans subject matter. Then, we took questions from the students.

We did not get a lot of questions and the only unique question I received had nothing to do with trans matters; the student asked me about the books I had written in boy mode.

After class, we three walked three blocks to Main Street to dine at the First and Last Tavern. I'm glad I brought a second pair of shoes, otherwise the walk might have been unbearable in the 3½” platform pumps I was wearing. Switching to a 3” non-platform pump made a big difference.

I don't think anyone paid much attention to us until we got to the restaurant, where I noticed some of the staff checking us out more closely. Our waiter was respectful and treated us like ladies.

The food was good and the conversation was excellent. We dined alfresco, which was very nice for a change.

We finished around 4 PM, walked back to the campus, split up, and drove home.

It was another excellent day out en femme, but I was exhausted by the time I arrived home and went to bed earlier than usual.

fallen limbs = shapely limbs

Muscles ache today that normally don't because I did the dreaded spring yard clean-up Saturday and Sunday.

This year, it was particularly onerous because during the winter, a huge branch broke from a tree and landed in the back yard. Normally, I would just drag it into the woods, but this one was so big that I could barely move it. So, I had to get out the chain saw and cut it down to more manageable pieces that I could drag into the woods along with the 50 or so other branches that were kind enough to break off in manageable chunks.

When I got on the scale this morning, I was happy to see that I weighed one pound less than the day I got married 25 years ago. Except for raking leaves in the fall, I do all my own yard work and it helps me to maintain my figure. All those fallen limbs make for shapely limbs!

males modeling dresses

I was looking at the spring fashions on the Internet today and I noticed what I believe were males modeling dresses. Here are two examples; you be the judge.

reaching further

This is going to be a busy month for me on the outreach front.

Last night, I received a call asking if I would do outreach for two Human Sexuality classes at Southern Connecticut State University on April 29. These are the classes I have been outreaching every semester for the past few years and I gladly accepted the assignment.

This is in addition to the outreach I will be doing at Wesleyan University on Tuesday, so, as a result, I will be out for the day en femme twice this month.

Fantastic!

just my style

I try not to watch too much television because I get hooked on the better stuff (like The Sopranos, John Adams, 30 Rock) and when I get hooked, I can't miss an episode.

I saw the ads for AMC's Mad Men, but avoided it because it seemed like just another prime time soap.

The show received good reviews and I will probably check it out in reruns, but not because of the good reviews, but rather because of the costume design.

"Set in 1960 New York, the daring new series is about the lives of the ruthlessly competitive men and women of Madison Avenue advertising, an ego-driven world where key players make an art of the sell while their private world gets sold."

Yeah, it sounds like a soap, but the clothing is just my style!

best deal in bras

Twenty-two percent of women in a new Consumer Reports survey said they always or often regret bra purchases. That's especially annoying when some bras cost more than $100. But does a woman or a crossdresser need to pay that much for a well-made bra that fits?

The answer is a resounding "no" and the details are here.

never worn out

This photo shows me in the spring of 1995 modeling a cocktail dress that I never wore in public. I love the dress and I think it looked lovely on me, but for one reason or another, I never wore it out en femme.

I still have the dress and it is in pristine condition. I believe it is still stylish enough to wear today, don't you?

So, I think it is time to take it out of storage and wear it to the next special occasion I attend. (It would be the perfect thing to wear to my cousin's wedding in June, but I don't think the family would agree with my wardrobe selection.)

next outing/outreach

The plans are set and I will be out en femme next Tuesday, which will include doing outreach at Wesleyan University in Middletown, CT. Specifically, I will be doing outreach with another crossdresser for a class dealing with 21st Century sexuality; sounds interesting!

The class is in the early afternoon, so I will have time to do other things. I will probably do some shopping at the mall and have lunch somewhere... maybe on campus.

It should be a nice day out femulating and I am looking forward to it.

kindred spirit

Surfing the net today, I came across the blog of a kindred spirit, Vickie Davis, who you might enjoy reading.

not sisters

Everyone thinks we're sisters, but we're actually mother and son.

(from a recent issue of The New Yorker)

just reward

I finished doing my taxes today. I don't usually wait this late, but I use tax software and my computer was in the shop during most of March in the repair queue waiting for a part.

It was worth the wait because after waiting so long, Apple decided to send me a new computer rather than make me wait any longer for mine to be fixed. This was a real sweet deal because my broken computer was over three years old, while its replacement is a brand new model, just released in January!

Anyway, I finished my taxes and I am getting the biggest refund I have ever received. And as a reward, I treated myself and bought this dress from Metrostyle 30% off list.

calendar

2008 March 29
Originally uploaded by staci-staci

I promise that this will be the last photo from the banquet that I will put on the blog. It is another from my friend Jamie.

The banquet is nearly a week past now and I still cannot get the thrill of temporarily being a woman out of my mind. So much so that I have been hatching plans for a day out en femme real soon now. Maybe a day at the casino, where I can play slots for an hour or two, eat lunch at a nice restaurant, and do some window shopping in the expensive stores that ring the casino (if I win at the slots, maybe I will even buy something).

I also began thinking seriously about attending the Be-All in Chicago at the end of May, which would include a 900-mile road trip en femme (never pumped gas en femme before).

And out of the blue, I received an e-mail yesterday asking if I'd be interested in doing outreach at a new venue: Wesleyan University. A professor is looking for a plain vanilla heterosexual crossdresser to speak at her class later this month, so I provided the dates I can appear.

It looks like my en femme calendar is filling up nicely.

more banquet photos

2008 March 29
Originally uploaded by staci-staci

This is one of the photos my friend Jamie sent me from my support group's banquet on Saturday night.

It seems that most of the attendees had digital cameras and they were using them; it was "The Night of a Thousand Flashes."

party likes it's 1997

My friend Michelle sent me a photo from 1997 attending my first Connecticut Outreach Society (COS) banquet. (I believe it was also the first COS banquet ever held).



We were crowded in a very small hotel banquet room and there was an assigned restroom nearby that we were supposed to use. Rebel rebel that I am, when nature called, I took the elevator down to the ground floor and used a real women's restroom and I remember being thrilled that the female patrons in the ladies' inner sanctum paid no attention to me!

voice training

Laura Kane sent me this link to an amazing YouTube video in which a young transwoman demonstrates how she attains a realistic female voice. Her technique is similar to the technique I have tried, but her results are a lot better than mine!

Even if you have no interest in using a female voice, watch the video for its entertainment value because you will be surprised (at least I was) when she switches to her male voice.

Saturday night

Saturday night I attended my support group's annual banquet. It is a dress-up affair and I always dress to impress.



Ready

For months, I planned to wear the dress I bought from Victoria's Secret last fall, a black sleeveless V-neck tunic-style sweater dress with sequin on the front.



I did my makeup for a glam look. I wore false eyelashes and instead of the various shades of brown that I normally use to do my eyes, I used grays and blacks.

Patty, my fashion advisor, thought that I should wear my short blonde wig with that dress and I agreed. However, just for the heck of it, I also took out my mid-length blonde wig and my shoulder-length dark auburn wig to see which looked best after I did my makeup and dressed.

I tried on the mid-length blond wig and rejected that look. Next came the short blond wig and it looked very good. Finally, I shook out the shoulder-length dark auburn wig, plopped it on my head, and fell in love with the way it looked with my makeup and outfit.

I checked myself out in the full length mirror and something was not right. The V-neck of the dress revealed a large expanse of chest, which was as flat as a board. The dress screamed for something more.

I slipped off my dress. Then, I filled my bra cups with my homemade birdseed breast forms, which lifted my natural size A cup breasts up and brought them together. I used strips of surgical tape to bring them even closer together to create cleavage. I used some eyeshadow to make the cleft of my cleavage look deeper and then I powdered my whole breast area with translucent powder.

I slipped on my dress, looked in the mirror, and was very happy with the way I looked; I thought I actually looked a little "sexy" for a change. At the banquet, my friend Jamie said I looked like "a hottie," so I guess my assessment was correct.

After I took a few photos, I put on some Chanel No. 5 and did my nails. This was my first time using Kiss pre-glued stick-on nails and after a night of wearing them, I am impressed.

The largest Kiss nail was larger than the largest nail that Revlon provided with their defunct Maximum Speed pre-glued nails, which I used in the past. With the Revlon Maxies, the largest nail did not cover my thumbnail completely; there was a small gap. With the largest Kiss nails, there was no gap; the Kiss nails covered my thumbnails completely.

Also, the glue of the Kiss nails is a lot stronger than the Revlons. Once the Kiss nails were stuck on, they stayed on. I was very satisfied with the Kiss brand of nails and recommend them highly.

Set

I was out the door at 5:20 PM for the 25-minute drive to the hotel in Meriden, CT, that was hosting the banquet. The drive was uneventful and I arrived in plenty of time for the 6 PM cocktail hour.

Go

There were 55 paid guests and I assume that most of them showed up. I recognized about half the faces; the other half were new to me.

Some of the people I recognized did not recognize me; I guess I looked different than I usually looked. For example, I sat with a new acquaintance, Nicole, for over five hours at our support group's table at True Colors just two weeks earlier. Nicole did not recognize me at the banquet until they announced my name preceding my lip-sync performance during the follies portion of the evening.

Speaking of True Colors… I wore the same pair of heels at the banquet that I wore at True Colors and they did not bother me at all Saturday night, whereas they killed my feet at True Colors.

There were more genetic women in attendance than ever; probably one-fifth to one-quarter were genetic women, mostly significant others, as well as a contingent from a local nail/waxing establishment. One of the contingent complimented me on my dress.

My friend Deja was snapping photos, so I twisted her arm to take some photos of me in a more scenic area, i.e., the beautifully decorated lobby of the hotel. She agreed, but on the way to the lobby, we passed the swimming pool area and it looked as nice as the lobby, so we used it for my mini-photo shoot. (Two photos from that photo shoot appear here.)

I sat at the Board of Directors table, so I had the pleasure of conversing with our after-dinner speaker, Moonhawk River Stone. His after-dinner speech was inspiring and I was moved to become even more trans active. Coincidentally, at the banquet, my support group's executive director informed me that I am officially the editor of the group's monthly newsletter (I had been subbing for the past few months for the previous editor).

I was nervous as the time drew near for my lip sync performance. I was first up and relieved to get it over with! I think I did OK. I did not flub the words and everyone enjoyed the song I selected to lip sync, an obscure Lesley Gore semi-hit from the 1960s titled "Sometimes I Wish I Were a Boy."

When I returned to our table after performing, Moonhawk River Stone mentioned that he loved my song selection, which made me feel a lot better about my performance.

I mingled a lot through the evening. I became reacquainted with girls I had not seen for many months and in a few cases, many years. I also mingled with some of the new faces in attendance. I even met and chatted with one of my blog's regular readers, Chris. (Hi, Chris!)

I really enjoyed myself Saturday night. I thought I looked my best and that made me feel wonderfully womanly. Nothing could ruin my night except its end, which came around 12:20 AM when I decided to call it a night and drove home.

three thousand words

They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so here are three photos from my night out yesterday.


I am at home dressed to kill and ready for my big night out.


Enjoying myself posing next to the pool at the hotel that hosted our banquet.


A close-up of me and my friends.

big night tonight

Tonight is my support group's annual banquet, which is the trans-event of the year around here. It gives me an opportunity to dress to kill and you can be sure I will not waste that opportunity.

You can expect a full report and photos here tomorrow, sooner, or later.

male female models redux

Back in October 2007, I wrote about the urban legend that some of the fashion models wearing female finery on the catwalks of the fashion world are actually males.

Today, Anonymous commented that, "terri(sp?)toye was a transsexual high fashion model in the 70's. catwalks, some print ads...tho' not much can u find on her"

I Googled "terri toye," discovered that her name was "teri toye" (one r, not two). Google found some information on her including this Web page, which is a gallery of her work as a model.

validation

There is a message thread about validation on the MHB (My Husband Betty) Message Boards. Some people seemed concerned that when they receive a compliment about their appearance ("You look great"), the person making the compliment is really saying, "You look great... for a tranny."

So? I'd rather look "great" for a tranny than look lousy for a tranny!

I appreciate any compliment I receive, whether the person making the compliment reads me as a tranny or not. Perhaps, the nicest compliment I have ever received was, "You look better than most women I know."

You can't get much better validation than that!

Life as a Tall Girl

From today's New York Times, the story about a woman who is 6-foot-4... and she wears heels!

Saturday night outing

My support group's annual awards banquet is Saturday night. It is the local T-event of the year.

In recent years, the banquet headcount has been in the 60 to 70 range. I wonder if the economy ("The Bush Era of Prosperity") will have any effect on the headcount. I hope not because, as they say, "the more, the merrier."

The weather forecast for Saturday night is "mostly cloudy, with a low around 24." I plan to wear the cocktail dress I bought from Victoria's Secret last fall. Like a lot of what Victoria sells, my dress is skimpy, so I will have to wear one of my fake fur coats to fight off the cold temps Saturday night.

I will be performing in the "follies" after dinner is served. I lip sync and for this year's performance, I found a very obscure song from the early 1960s that I think will be very apropos for the event; the theme of the song is gender envy.

As usual, you can expect a full report here after the fact with lots of photos, too.

easter envy

Easter is not a big holiday in my family. We hardly notice it.

It was different when I was a kid. My family were practicing Roman Catholics, so it was a big holiday for us back then.

Our usual Easter routine was Mass on Sunday morning, dinner with the whole family at my aunt's house Sunday afternoon, and an egg hunt for the kids after dinner.

In preparation for Easter, Mom would get new Easter outfits for herself and my sister. My Dad and I wore whatever suit was the most recent addition to our wardrobes.

I was jealous of my sister. She usually got a new dress, new shoes, and a new hat for Easter. My female cousins got dolled up for Easter, too, meanwhile I was stuck in a boring suit.

Saturday, I will make up for my Easter envy and get dressed to kill for my support group's annual banquet. I can't wait!

the funny thing about black men in dresses

Why do black comedians like Tyler Perry, Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence don plus-size pantyhose and parade around as their feisty grandmas?

Read why here.

catwalk

I wish I lived in the Bay Area to participate in this event!

CATWALK, a new elite modeling competition that caters to the Transgender Community (male to female). The time has come for a modeling competition that embodies, class, beauty, style, fashion at its best! Its’ purpose is to encourage and empower the TG community to excel in the fast evolving world of fashion and unique marketing.

CATWALK, represent a new outlook for the transgender community. As the TG community is rapidly growing, empowerment, advocacy and leadership is instilled in this competition to secure proper representation of what the new TG community represents.

CATWALK corresponds to a cause! It is an event that responds to the HIV/AIDS epidemic and offers assistance unconditionally to serve the greater human race.

CATWALK symbolizes excitement, drama, pride, fun, movement, arts, delight, progrH style, evolution, pleasure, fashion, compassion, people, community and YOU!

Here is the CATWALK Web site.

Friday Q and A

During my True Colors workshop on Friday, folks asked a lot of questions.

Some were the same or similar to ones I have answered before.

Some were new and here are the ones that I remember:

Q: The way you move your hands and gesture is very feminine. Are you doing that intentionally?

A: It is not intentional.

I gestured while answering the question and suddenly became aware that my hand gestures were indeed feminine, which gave me pause.

I know that consciously, I am not acting any differently en femme and en homme. Maybe my subconscious is responsible for my feminine mannerisms.

Maybe it is context, i.e., I am acting the same en femme and en homme, but when I am en femme, those mannerisms look more feminine because I am dressed from head-to-toe like a woman. I recall crossdressing for a Halloween party in college and an acquaintance who knew me in boy mode, said that while crossdressed, he noticed that my mannerisms were the same when I was in boy mode, but that they were definitely feminine.

Maybe my mannerisms are feminine en femme and en homme, which would explain why I have been called a "fairy," "faggot," "twinkie," etc.


Q: Do you buy your clothes in a "big" women's store?

A: Not necessarily. I am a size 16 or 18 above the waist and a size 14 or 16 below the waist, so sometimes I find clothes that fit in the "Misses" section and sometimes in the "Women's" section.

Q: Are you happy with your male body image?

A: Yes


Q: What would you do if you could do it over again?

A: I would live 24/7 as a woman without hormones and surgery, but I would have electrolysis.


Q: Do you ever feel that you are really a female?

A: No was my quick reply, but on reflection, when I am en femme, sometimes I feel that I am really a female.

Friday fotos

Here are two photos from my Friday out en femme (click on the photos to enlarge them).

Here I am staffing my support group's table at the True Colors Conference.








Hanging out in the UCONN Student Union just like I did when I attended the university back in the 1970s except now I am dressed very differently.

fond of new found nails

Back in December, I mentioned that Revlon discontinued their Maximum Speed line of pre-glued stick-on nails, which I wore whenever I went out en femme. I stocked up on Max Speedies via eBay, but my supply is dwindling, so I have been searching for a replacement.

I think I have found it: Kiss Broadway pre-glued nails.

Kiss has a wider selection of pre-glued stick-on nails than Revlon ever had and the package that I bought has wider nails, too. I compared the largest Revlon nail with the largest Kiss nail and the Kiss nail is noticeably wider, which is a godsend to girls like us with larger than the average female fingers.

I have not worn my Kiss nails out yet, so I don't know how well they stay on. However, I plan to wear them to our annual banquet on the 29th and I will report back then.

yesterday

Yesterday, I participated in the True Colors Conference for school-aged GLBT youth and their adult supporters and/or facilitators (parents, teachers, guidance counselors, social workers, etc).

The day started early. I was up at 5 AM in order to be en femme and at the conference on the UCONN campus by 10 AM. The trip was about 90 minutes long, which included a 25-minute trip to my friend Patty's house to give her a ride to the conference. We arrived on campus at 9:15 AM.

On the way up, I demonstrated my female voice to Patty. She said it sounded "forced." I decided that I needed more practice and put my female voice back in the box.

First thing after we arrived at UCONN, we walked to Jorgensen Auditorium to pick up our Presenter packages. Everyone I encountered used the correct pronouns. So far, so good.

My schedule was to man staff my support group's booth until about 2:30 PM, then walk to the classroom where I would do my workshop, "Body Image and Male-to-Female Crossdressing."

We found my support group's table in the Student Union and I introduced myself to Nicole, who would be manning staffing the table with me.

I went to the women's restroom to freshen up. While in the restroom, a young woman complimented my outfit. She especially liked the belted look.

The morning was uneventful. Some people stopped at our table for information; mostly adults (school counselors and such), who were new to dealing with trans-children in their schools.

We broke for lunch and ate at the Student Union food court. I had Chinese food. The two female food servers used the correct pronouns with me, but I think the female cashier used "sir." It was noisy and it was hard to hear her, so I am not 100% sure about her "sir."

After lunch, I went to the restroom to powder my nose. On the way back to our table, a woman stopped me. She said she was manning staffing a table across the room from our table and she thought my smile was "so engaging." I turned red with embarrassment and thanked her for the kind words.

The afternoon was more of the same. Most memorable was one young male who came to our table. He was very nervous and hardly spoke. We tried to encourage him to speak freely, he was amongst friends, but he could not, so we loaded him down with our hand-outs and hoped that would help. (I so saw myself in his shoes when I was his age.)

As the time for my workshop approached, I started getting nervous. My main concern was that I had no idea what kind of audience I would face.

When it was time to go, I got my things together to walk to the Math & Science Building where my workshop was to be. As I left, I passed the table where the woman who complimented me was sitting. I smiled at her and she said, "Keep on smiling."

It was a long walk. It was actually only two city blocks long, but my feet were killing me. I specifically picked my shoes for a long day because in the past, I was able to wear them for long stints without a problem, but yesterday, they were killing my feet. Go figure!

I arrived at the classroom about ten minutes early and there were already about ten students in the class. I am terrible at guessing ages, but I think their ages ranged from late teens to the early twenties.

By the time I started my workshop, I had about 20 people in my workshop; 15 or so were student-aged and 5 or so were adults. (At the end, I received 17 evaluation forms, so either my headcount guesstimate was high or a few people did not fill out an evaluation form.)

I started off telling everyone to jump in with questions at anytime. I would rather try and answer their specific questions, rather then have them listen to me babble on about something they did not want to hear.

I proceeded to babble on for about 20 minutes or so telling them my life story. They were polite and did not interrupt, so I stopped in mid-life and asked them if they had any questions. And they did.

Some of their questions resulted in my babbling on a bit to try to expand on my answer, but most of the time was filled with Q&A.

A male adult asked me what I considered were the most important things that helped me to pass and I listed a bunch of things that I thought were tops in my femulation. After my workshop, I realized that I forgot to talk about attitude, which is probably as important or even more important then the things I listed.

The 90 minutes passed quickly and we were done.

I felt that I did an OK job, but most of the evaluations indicated otherwise. The evaluations ranged from fair, good, very good, to excellent with the vast majority in the very good and excellent range. Some of the evaluations contained suggestions for improvement and I will definitely incorporate the suggestions if I do a workshop again.

Here are some of the comments I received on the evaluation forms that made my day:

"She seems to be a lovely person."

"Great job!"

"I thought it was very eye opening... you don't have to be gay to cross-dress."

"I loved your expression! I think your really pretty as a woman!"

"I really liked how you explained everything, you made it very clear."

"Staci was very relatable, easy to talk to."

"I think you did a great job: I like that you went into real-life things that happened to you, not just facts."

"I felt very educated after. Staci was very willing to talk about anything with us. She was very open."

"Don't ever stop dressing so beautiful."

"Having a crossdresser as a speaker helps because they know what they go through and what its like."

"Staci was very honest in sharing her story - 'tricks of the trade.'"

"You rock!"

One comment bothered me: that I have issues with transsexuals because I referred to one as a "he."

The thing is that I am very careful with my pronouns and don't recall using "he" when I referred to a transsexual. Maybe a "he" slipped out, but I sure don't recall it happening during my workshop. If I did, I apologize for my error.

After our day at UCONN, we drove to Outback and met Diana for dinner. Nobody paid us much mind except the people in the booth across from us, who became very animated when they saw us three beautiful women. I was so tired by then, that I could care less!

It was a great day and I hope I will be able to do it again next year.

tomorrow

I am very excited about my day out en femme tomorrow. I don't do too many full days en femme, so tomorrow will be something special.

Stay tuned for a full report after the fact.

runs in the family

the feminine voice

Friday, I will be out en femme most of the day.

My friend Patty and I will take a short roadtrip to my alma mater, the University of Connecticut, to do workshops at the True Colors Conference for school-aged GLBT youth and their adult supporters and/or facilitators (parents, teachers, guidance counselors, social workers, etc.).

My workshop is "Body Image and Male-to-Female Crossdressing." Basically, I will be doing an extended solo version of what I do for outreach

In addition to the workshop, I will be manning the table for my support group, Connecticut Outreach Society (COS). After the workshops, Patty, Diana, and I plan to dine somewhere on the way home.

It will be nostalgic visiting my old campus; it will be my first visit since I graduated in 1973 and also my first visit there en femme. And, coincidentally, lunch for the conference will be served in my old dormitory.

To make my day even more interesting, I plan to use a female voice throughout the day instead of relying on my natural soft-spoken male voice to do my en femme speaking for me. I have been practicing my female voice for a long time now and it is time to let her out.

I have balked at using a female voice in the past because I felt silly when I did use it. Isn't that ridiculous? I am a guy dressed from head to toe like a woman, fully made up wearing a wig, woman's jewelry, perfume, etc., walking like a woman, using female mannerisms, etc. and all that did not make me feel silly, but using a feminine voice did.

Maybe there is more to it than that.

Using a female voice is just about the last step I can take in becoming a woman without hormones, surgery, permanent body modification, etc. Maybe using a male voice while en femme is the last link to my natal gender and subconsciously, I am afraid of breaking that link and admitting that I am really a woman.

Are You A Boy or Are You A Girl?

After I added today's Femulate This photo to the blog, the lyrics of this 1965 hit by The Barbarians popped into my head.

Are you a boy? Or are you a girl?
With your long blond hair you look like a girl
Yeah, you look like a girl
You may be a boy, hey, you look like a girl

You're either a girl or you come from Liverpool
Yeah, Liverpool
You can dog like a female monkey, but you swim like a stone
Yeah, a rolling stone
You may be a boy, hey, you look like a girl
Hey! Aw!

Hey!
You're always wearing skin tight pants and boys wear pants
But in your skin tight pants you look like a girl
Yeah, you look like a girl
You may be a boy, hey, you look like a girl
Hey!

Are you a boy? Or are you a girl?
With your long blond hair you look like a girl
Yeah, you look like a girl
You may be a boy, hey, you look like a girl
Hey!
Yeah, you look like a girl, hey!
Yeah, you look like a girl, hey!
Yeah, you look like a girl, hey!
Yeah, you look like a girl, hey!

to die for

Up late last night nursing a tummy ache and surfing the television to find something to watch, I happened upon a 1995 film, To Die For, starring my favorite tallest actress, Nicole Kidman. I had not seen the film in years and as I watched it, I recalled why I liked it so much.

The story is very interesting and include a couple of twists. The whole cast does an excellent job.

In addition, Nicole is absolutely gorgeous. Her hair and makeup are perfect, and the outfits she wears are to die for. I would like to add every dress and suit she wore to my collection!

transitioning from 56 to 57

Today I am 56. Tomorrow I will be 57.

Dunno why, but for the first time in my life, adding a year is bothering me. Maybe it's because 57 is getting so very close to 60, which is a bellwether year to me, i.e., in my mind, 60 meant that you were as old as dirt. And to add to my trepidation about approaching 60, I can't forget that my Dad died when he was 66.

On the other hand, I don't feel, act, or look as old as dirt. Almost everyone I know who is my age is on some kind of prescription for some kind of health issue, while I am not.

En femme, I look younger than my actual age. In the guess my age poll I conducted here in January, 75% of the voters thought I looked younger than my actual age and over half (52%) thought I looked ten years younger than I really am.

Maybe the solution is to go full-time, i.e., be en femme 24/7 and thereby cut 10 years off my apparent age.

love the grape

Refinery29 enumerates the top looks and trends from Paris and Milan Fashion weeks.

Personally, I love the grape!

hard work

Being a woman is hard work.

Being a man being a woman is hard work, too... maybe even harder than a woman being a woman.

Women have a head start with regards to looking like a woman. Their prep time is nothing compared to my prep time. I guess if I was a man being a woman 24/7, my prep time would not be as bad, but it still would be worse than a real woman's prep time.

There's the hair. My prep involves removing a lot and adding not so much. And even a close shave with a new razor still finds me smearing on beard cover to camouflage my face.

There's the body. How many real women have to squeeze into a corset, girdle, and long-line bra to achieve some semblance of a female body? If I want a figure that is at all feminine, I need all that equipment and then there's the matter of hiding some equipment, too.

And there is no equipment that will reduce my Amazonian 6'2" to a Venusian 5'7". Yeah, I know if I didn't wear high heels that might help, but would it? At 6'2", I am taller than 99% of the female population, so what difference will another 3 or 4 inches make (other than make me feel less gorgeous)!

Being a man being a woman is definitely hard work, but I would not give it up for anything! As Oscar Hammerstein II once wrote, "I enjoy being a girl."

"We Like To Be Feminine. So We Don't Wear The Pants"

From TVNewser comes this tidbit:

"The Fox & Friends crew... were immersed in a discussion about pantsuits and Sen. Hillary Clinton when it came time to throw to Ainsley Earhardt who was handling news reader duties.

"Co-anchor Brian Kilmeade asked Earhardt if she ever wore pantsuits herself, and she said she had, but, 'Here at Fox, we like to be feminine. So we don't wear the pants.' Kilmeade wanted to make sure he wasn't misunderstood, though — he is firmly against pantsuits. 'If I was to run for office, I'd run on the pro-skirt platform,' he said."

How many shoes are too many shoes?

This article addresses the question, "Can a woman have too many shoes?"

"According to a recent study by ShopSmart magazine, the average American woman owns 19 pairs of shoes, with 15% of women owning 30 or more pairs."

How do I (a male-to-female crossdresser) compare?

Last count, I own 55 pairs, so that puts me ahead of the majority of women.

vintage crossdressing (1915)

vintage crossdressing (circa 1955)

a night among the girls

Wednesday, I went out en femme to do outreach, dine, and attend my support group's monthly Wednesday night meeting.

I wore a my new "heather charcoal" sweater-knit dress, gray tights, black 3½” high heel platform pumps, silver jewelry, and favorite wig. I thought I looked very nice (see my photo from yesterday's blog).

My first stop was St. Joseph College in West Hartford to do outreach for a Human Sexuality class with three transsexual women (Deja, Diana, and Gina). We each gave a short biography and then took questions from the class.

It was a large class, all female with approximately 10% asking questions. The question and answer session lasted 90 minutes. I don't recall any unique questions coming my way, but during the session, I discovered a new (to me) possible reason for my desire to crossdress: hormones.

The question that led to this had something to do with what changes the transsexuals experienced after taking hormones. One transwoman mentioned that before taking hormones, viewing a movie like Love Story had no effect, but after taking hormones, she cried like a baby viewing such a film. The other two transwomen agreed that they experienced the same change.

In response, I said that I never took hormones, but all my life, I cried viewing a movie like Love Story (but not Love Story itself, which I absolutely hate).

The professor suggested that perhaps I should be tested by an endocrinologist. I assume he was inferring that maybe I had an imbalance in hormones, i.e., too many female hormones and/or not enough male hormones. If that is true then it might explain other things… like my feminine breasts and my feminine traits.

Since puberty, my breasts have resembled a female's breasts rather than a male's and are able to fully fill an A cup bra and nearly fill a B cup.

And since forever, I have had feminine mannerisms. I never affected feminine mannerisms; they are natural to me, but they must be more feminine than masculine because in my youth, my mannerisms caused me to be called "fairy," "faggot," etc. And as an adult, people who know me en homme and en femme say that I am the same person with the same mannerisms in either mode. Go figure!

After the class, a group of students approached me and mentioned that they felt sorry for me because I am so sad! (I have heard this comment before during other outreaches.)

I did not think I was sad, but I guess my bio is kind of sad in that I admitted that I'd like to go out en femme more often, but I don't in deference to my wife.

On a happier note, one student commented that my outfit was "cute." That made my day until another student stopped by to say, "You are so pretty!" She was very pretty herself and I was stunned by her compliment.

After outreach, we four went to a nearby diner (Gold Roc) to dine. I have eaten there before and they have always treated me like a lady. Wednesday night was no exception.

Like most diners, they have a huge selection that is reasonably priced and hugely portioned. I ordered a three-egg omelet and finished only half of it. Wearing a corset limits my intake; I call it my "crossdressing diet."

During dinner, Gina asked me if I was done with my electrolysis. To her surprise, I told her I never had electrolysis. (I guess my close shave and beard cover was working real well on Wednesday!)

After dinner, we four moved on to the meeting of the Connecticut Outreach Society (COS). There were about 15 in attendance to hear the owner of Glamour Boutique talk about his store and product line. It was not a formal presentation, but rather a very informal talk.

There were some new faces (to me) in attendance. Although, I did not know them, some knew me through my writings and COS newsletter editing.

By 9:30 PM, I was very tired, exited, and drove home to end my day en femme.

out en femme yesterday

This is how I looked before I went out en femme yesterday. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

out en femme this afternoon and evening

I will be out en femme this afternoon and evening. My outing will include outreach at Saint Joseph College in West Hartford, followed by dinner, and my support group's monthly Wednesday meeting.

Tomorrow (or later), I will have a full report for you here maybe with a photo or two.

Free Chubby Style Book

When I was a youngster, I wore "husky" sizes in boy mode, but I preferred to wear "chubby" sizes in girl mode.

my ephemera update

I added a new postcard to My Ephemera Web page. An eBay acquisition, the postcard is from The Beige Room in San Francisco. It is not postmarked or dated, but it looks to be circa 1960.

Academy Awards fashion review

I watched about two-thirds of the Academy Awards telecast last night. I also watched about 90 minutes of the red carpet telecasts before the actual award show telecast.

I was not too impressed with the evening gowns worn by the stars. In my opinion, most of the gowns were just average, but there were a few stand-outs (Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Katherine Heigl) and one exceptional gown worn by Marion Cotillard. In addition to looking outstanding, she won the best actress award for her work in La Vie En Rose.

Unlike previous awards show, I saw no crossdressers last night, although Katherine Heigl's makeup looked like a novice crossdresser had applied it because she had on too much blush.

fashionista alert

The Academy Awards are tonight. The telecast begins at 8 PM EST, but there will also be telecasts of the stars arriving on the red carpet beforehand.

I watch the show to see the gals in evening gowns. Maybe this year, a trans-woman or two will show up in gowns, too!

drawing to crossdress

I drew a lot when I was a youngster, teenager, and college student. I think I used drawing as an outlet for my desire to crossdress because a lot of my drawings had crossdressing themes.

Drawing took a back seat in my life after I graduated from school and began pursuing a career.

I drew a few cartoons and pictures for my daughter when she was a youngster to entertain her, but it was nothing serious.

Last fall, my daughter encouraged me to take up drawing again and she dragged me to an art supply store where I bought some drawing supplies (pencils, pens, erasers, sketchpad, etc.). They sat on my desk unused until today.

Inspired by the artwork that J Morgetron sent me, I spent about an hour before dinner drawing the picture you see here. It is a self-portrait with a crossdressing theme.

It is not bad considering it is the first serious thing I have drawn in over 30 years. It even looks a little like me en femme!

prize arrives

A few weeks ago, I won a contest on J Morgetron's blog, Tres Bizarre.

The prize arrived today and I love it! J Morgetron did the artwork herself and it's theme is the reason I swear by my pot of orange beard cover.

J also sent along a story buk, Xingu by Edith Wharton, with a personalized inscription that I will cherish.

vintage crossdressing (circa 1903)

Arthur and Horace out en femme on the boardwalk, circa 1903.

fame and fortune... but not so much fortune

I received an e-mail from Diana yesterday informing me that this posting from my blog was reprinted in the newsletter of The Sunshine Club, a trans support group located in Hadley, Mass.

As occasional editor of my support group's newsletter, I have often reprinted postings from my blog, but this is the first time another support group has done so.

I don't mind; in fact, I am honored, but I just wish they had informed me that they were going to reprint it because I would have missed it if Diana had not alerted me!

My Favorite Mistake: Michael Musto On How Cross-Dressing Cost Him An Ad Campaign

"Women's clothes are always more fun than men's. And there was a picture in the article of me in this big hoop dress. But not looking female at all, I mean, I wasn't in drag, I was just standing there with my bicycle, in a hoop dress, looking kind of clownish."

Read it all here.

I need a thin red belt

Not exactly separated at birth, but certainly similar fashion sense, that's me on the left and Leighton Meester on the right. (Miss Meester is a TV star; I am just a TV.)

first transgender rally in Northampton, Mass.

NORTHAMPTON - Already the site of one of the region's oldest and biggest gay pride marches, Northampton is about to become home of the first transgender march in the eastern United States.

The New England Transgender March and Rally, which is scheduled for June 7, will feature speakers and entertainers from across the spectrum of the transgender community and is expected to draw participants from across the country.

Read the rest of the story here.

some people hate us (and that's why I do outreach)

Sara Whitman wrote this in her blog today:

"I have no words for how I feel today. Not only was a 15-year-old boy shot in the back of the head by someone who hated him because he was gay, because he was not masculine, because he wore jewelry and makeup, but also a 10-year-old boy hung himself in England.

"He wanted to be a girl. He wanted to wear his sister's clothes and makeup. His mother let him wear girl's underwear but told him he'd have to wait till he was older to wear makeup."

Read the rest of this sad commentary here.

India's cross-dressing Oprah

Rose (just Rose) is now India's first trans-gender talk-show host. Her show, "Ippadikku Rose" ("Yours, Rose") will be broadcast to up to 64 million people in the southern state of Tamil Nadu later this month. It is, according to the New York Times, "expected to cause a sensation."

Read the rest of the amazing story here

And read more here.

playing with dolls

I don't recall playing with dolls much when I was a youngster.

The baby dolls that girls played with back then did not interest me. I was interested in more creative playthings like drawing, cutting, and gluing, so I occasionally cut out paper dolls and created original outfits for the dolls to wear.

Barbie and the other fashion dolls showed up at the tail-end of my time as a youngster, i.e, about the time I stopped dressing paper dolls and started dressing myself in my mother's and sister's apparel.

Anyway, surfing the Internet, I discovered a Web site of online virtual paper dolls. Scissors are not required. Instead, you dress the doll of your choice by clicking on then and dragging items of apparel over the doll.

There is a huge collection of dolls to dress, but the one that caught my eye was the "boys dressing like girls" paper doll. I tried it and enjoyed mixing and matching apparel to put together some cool outfits for the boy to wear.

The boy doll is rather pretty for a male, so when you add a wig, girl apparel, and jewelry, he passes very well!

Enjoy!

plans en femme

I am looking forward to a late afternoon and evening en femme one week from today.

First stop is Saint Joseph College in West Hartford, CT. I will be doing outreach at a human sexuality class with three other transwomen. The other three identify as transsexual (one post-op, two-pre-op); I am the token crossdresser.

Second stop will be dinner at a yet-to-be-determined restaurant in the Hartford area. The restaurant is yet-to-be-determined because it depends on who shows up for outreach and who wants to go where to eat after outreach. (I'm easy. I like all kinds of cuisine, so I will go anywhere.)

Third stop will be a visit to my support group's monthly Wednesday meeting. The meeting agenda will feature a representative from Glamour Boutique, who will talk about their store and product line.

Whenever I attend my support group's meetings, I feel like one of those people who goes to church once a year (usually on Palm Sunday to get free palms)! My last support group visit was Halloween 2006.

What would Staci do?

A few days ago, Meg sent the following e-mail:

"I'm going to go out (alone) for the second time tomorrow. I'm not sure I handle interactions with other people well. I assume they know that I'm just a 'Girl For A Day' and I say something to make sure that they know that I know that they know.

"But should I just assume that I pass perfectly and they don't notice that the voice doesn't match the outfit very well? I'm afraid that might make them uncomfortable about what to say (just in case I'm really a girl with a guy's voice, not a guy with a girl's wardrobe).

"What would Staci do?"

In the past when I went out, I waited for the people I interacted with to give me a clue that they knew I was a guy (because I wanted to know if I was passing successfully as a woman). If I did not get a clue, I often tried to give them a clue and sometimes I would just flat out say I was a guy.

Half the time, they were clueless and were surprised that I was a guy and not a gal.

The other half of the time, I was clueless and after I clued them in, I discovered that they already knew, but were accommodating me for one reason or another. Maybe they were being nice and respected my desire to be treated as a woman. If they were a salesperson, maybe they were patronizing me, i.e., they were trying to make a sale and did not want to lose the sale by acknowledging that they knew I was a guy.

After I realized this, I decided to go along with the flow and accept (and enjoy) the fact that I was being treated as a woman, for whatever reason. Hopefully, I passed, but if I did or did not pass, I sure did not want to out myself by intentionally giving them clues.

I admit that I am still curious and look for clues, but as they say, "Curiosity killed the cat," so I bite my tongue and try not to give myself away.

president's day

Our nation has had 43 presidents. If the estimates are correct that 5%* of the population crossdresses, then 2.15 of our presidents have crossdressed. So I wonder which of our presidents have also been first ladies?

*I think that 5% estimate is low, but that is a discussion for another day.

my horoscope

Usually, I don't read horoscopes. But last night, while reading the new issue of Harper's Bazaar, I noticed that their horoscope page featured the horoscope for Pisces (my sign), so I read it and here is how it read:

"The expectation in the air as you anticipate a change is making you nervous, and you find yourself torn between feeling trapped by others and wanting to pursue your own agenda. You also have to decide whether you have a right to break free or need to honor your obligations. Only searching your heart can help you with this."

Wow! That is so on the money that I could not believe it. When I read it, I felt like someone knew exactly what is going on in my head. It gave me pause.

women resembling trans-sisters, part 5

Victoria Beckham resembles Lon Chaney's portrayal of the phantom of the opera.

(Women resembling trans-sisters help us real trans-sisters to blend in society. They obfuscate the line between males and females, which makes it easier for real trans-sisters to pass.)

purses in film history

Kirk Douglas carries a designer bag in the 1953 film Act of Love.

women resembling trans-sisters, part 4

Actress Danielle Darrieux looks rather masculine in this Mon Film cover photo.

(Women resembling trans-sisters help us real trans-sisters to blend in society. They obfuscate the line between males and females, which makes it easier for real trans-sisters to pass.)

miniskirts in film history

Raymond Massey wears a belted tunic and skort ensemble in the 1936 film Things To Come.

Jean Shrimptom alert!

Today's Femulate This image features drop-dead-gorgeous swingin' '60s London model Jean Shrimpton.

If written about her here before, so there is no need to repeat myself. But yesterday, I came across a stash of her images on the net and I wanted to share one with you today.

Isn't she gorgeous and how about that to-die-for suit?

Happy Valentine's Day!

just don't call me late for a shoe sale

There was a discussion on a message board about what people preferred to be called: crossdresser, transvestite, transgendered, etc.

Back in the early 1960s, when I realized that I was not your typical all-American boy, there was very little information available to the average Joe or Jo-Ann about my version of human being. I found dribs and drabs in various encyclopedia and they only referred to "transvestites" and "transsexuals," nothing else. I did not believe I was transsexual and the very idea of being surgically modified scared the bejeebers out of me, so I identified as a transvestite.

That was my story and I stuck with it for a long time.

As information became more accessible (via the Internet, magazines, support groups, etc.) I became familiar with other terms of endearment used to describe my people. I still knew that I was not a transsexual and I was confused about the definition of "transgendered," so my choices boiled down to "transvestite" and "crossdresser."

From time-to-time, I shifted between identifying as a transvestite and identifying as a crossdresser. My shifts were related to what I had most recently read or what I had most recently heard, i.e., reading or hearing somebody's theory on why you should identify as one and not as the other.

After all these years, I believe that there is no significant difference between a transvestite or a crossdresser. I will answer to either name.

I will also answer to transgendered, which I believe applies to transvestites/crossdressers and transsexuals alike.

A dear friend of mine who is studying the transgendered on a graduate level calls me a "late-life transsexual." I think that means that I am a transsexual, but that I did not recognize that fact until later in life. Maybe.

I will admit that if I had to do it over again, I might live full-time or near full-time as a woman, but the only body modification I would undergo is epilation of my face and body. No surgery for me!

Does that make me a transsexual? Perhaps, but since I am not sure, I won't apply that term to me.

Instead, I prefer the term "transwoman." It has a nice ring to it and applies to transvestites/crossdressers and transsexuals alike. I think it fits me nicely.