dressing in drag for Ed Wood

"I'd get home, put a slip on, some high heels, hang out. Wearing bullet bras, garters, the whole shebang has given me newfound respect for women and profound respect for transvestites. It takes serious commitment for a man to really want to dress as a woman." – Johnny Depp at EW.com

dressing in dayton

In addition to being an amateur female impersonator, I am an amateur radio operator and attended the Dayton Hamvention this past weekend.

While in Dayton, I wanted to go out en femme Saturday night. When I mentioned my plans on (en)gender – the my husband betty message board, Jade Catherine contacted me. Jade Catherine ("JC" from hereon) lives near Dayton and had a friend staying at her house for the Hamvention, who is also a crossdresser. We decided to get together Saturday night en femme. Great! I would not have to go out crossdressed alone.

After two full days at the Hamvention, I was exhausted when I returned to my hotel room early Saturday evening; so exhausted that I was reconsidering my plans to go out en femme. But after a quick shower, I was reinvigorated and I prepared to go out.

I phoned JC and we decided to dine and go clubbing/dancing after dinner. JC, her spouse, her ham friend, Sarah, and I agreed to dine at Uno Chicago Grill in downtown Dayton.

I grabbed my keys and purse and walked down the hallway to the hotel lobby. (The accompanying photo shows how I looked before I left my hotel room.) A handful of people mingling in the lobby paid no attention to me despite my heels clicking loudly on the lobby floor.

I exited the hotel, walked to my car, drove downtown and found the restaurant, but circled the area for over ten minutes trying to find a parking space. I phoned JC for advice and her spouse suggested that I park in the same parking ramp where they had parked. She gave me directions to the ramp and I found it easily.

After parking my car, I had to walk about three blocks to the restaurant. There was not much foot traffic on my route, so I was a little worried about walking alone, but I wasn't going to let that stop me now.

On the way, a hotel shuttle bus was waiting at a traffic light and the bus driver smiled and waved at me (I smiled back). A block from the restaurant, there were groups of well-dressed people mingling outside the Schuster Center. They were probably attending an event in the center. No one paid much attention to me except one fellow, who was alone. He seemed very interested; maybe he was looking for a date!

I entered the restaurant and a waitress accompanied me to the booth where JC and company were already seated. I was stunned: What a group of beautiful woman! And so young, too!

After introductions, we chatted. I did not recognize Sarah's ham radio call sign and she did not recognize mine, so we likely have not crossed paths in the ham radio world. Turns out another ham, a non-crossdresser would be joining us. When he arrived, we exchanged call signs. I did not recognize his call sign, but he was familiar with mine having read some of the things I have written for the ham radio media.

We had a wonderful time getting acquainted, talking about our lives and careers. JC and Sarah are like me: plain vanilla crossdressers, not interested in sex-reassignment surgery, so we had a lot in common.

JC actually worked as a woman for a long time. And I can see why: she passes very well. Her photos on the Internet do not do her justice: she is even more beautiful in person. In addition to her very passable looks, she knows how to act, walk, and talk like a woman, too. She inspired me to stop being lazy and start practicing using a femme voice myself.

After a delicious pizza dinner, JC and I went clubbing, while her wife and the other hams returned home. Our first stop was a lesbian bar called Up On Main. The place was an old neighborhood bar with 15 or so lesbians inside. A DJ was playing music, but there was no one on the dance floor. Since JC was a dancer and not a drinker, she went straight to the dance floor and began dancing. I joined her and danced a bit, but JC is 20 years younger than me, so she kept on dancing while I sat out a song or two to rest.

After a half hour, JC was frustrated that no one else was dancing, so we decided to leave and go to a gay club downtown called Masque. Masque was jumping! Walking into Masque reminded me of those movies about the disco era, where the hero or heroine of the movie walks into Studio 54 or someplace similar.

Downstairs was a bar and a small stage, but no dance floor. At first, we thought the stage was the dance floor because when we came in, a couple were dancing on the stage. After walking around the bar and finding no other place to dance, JC decided to climb up on stage to dance and I agreed to join her, but before we did, I suggested we ask the DJ. Good thing we did because the stage was for a drag show! The real dance floor was upstairs. So I followed JC upstairs.

The dance floor upstairs was beautiful with fog and a fantastic light show, but the sound was deafening (my ears are still ringing). After one dance, JC wanted to leave because it was just too loud. She said next time we should bring earplugs.

By the way, while we were in Masque, a half dozen or so young females smiled at me. Maybe they were happy to see a mother figure in attendance! When I went clubbing in boy mode in my youth, I can count on one finger the number of young females that smiled at the boy mode Staci!

The women at Up On Main were friendly, too! I don't know if they had us figured out or not. For what it's worth, when I ordered a glass of water, the bartender called me "Sweetie" and not "Sir," so go figure!

We called it a night around midnight. I drove JC home. She invited me in, but I declined because I had a long drive home ahead of me on Sunday and wanted to get some sleep before I began my journey.

I had a wonderful time en femme in Dayton and I can't thank Jade Catherine enough for making it happen.

Kent State University bathrooms accommodate trans-students

May 18 2007 7:54AM

KENT, Ohio - Kent State University is accommodating transgender students with a newly relabeled unisex restroom that has four images on the door: a man, a woman, a person in a wheelchair and a man and a woman separated by a slash.

Read the rest of the restroom story here.

on the road

I will be on the road Thursday through Sunday, so my postings here will be scarce until I get back on Monday.

Jorgensen at the Jorgensen

I am a graduate of the University of Connecticut (UCONN, class of 1973 (yes, I am old!). When I attended UCONN, I was an aspiring writer and considered journalism as an outlet for my writing talent. So, I took a journalism class (and soon discovered that I did not want to be a journalist).

One assignment from my journalism class was to report on a lecture by Christine Jorgensen that the famous trans-woman was presenting at UCONN's Jorgensen Auditorium (no, the auditorium was not named after her).

I was so closeted back then. I feared that if anyone found out that I attended the lecture, I would become a marked man/trans-woman. Nevertheless, I was in awe of Ms. Jorgensen, who was one of my heroines back then, and I attended the lecture, completed my assignment, but I never told anyone about it.

I had buried this experience so well in my memory that I had completely forgotten about it until today when I came across this photo of Ms. Jorgensen on eBay.

boy selected prom queen

Fresno, CA - Johnny 'Crystal' Vera was named prom queen Saturday night as his fellow students cheered him on. Now he is hoping his victory will help spread a larger message.

Read the rest of the story here.

transgender: cover story of this week's Newsweek

"The Mystery of Gender" is the cover story of the May 21 issue of Newsweek.

With the growing number of Americans who consider themselves transgender, Assistant Managing Editor Debra Rosenberg and a team of Newsweek correspondents examines the question: what makes us male or female?

According to the National Center for Transgender Equality there are estimated between 750,000 and 3 million Americans (fewer than 1 percent)-many taking their intimate struggles public for the first time-who consider themselves transgender. With more and more young people identifying as a gender other than the one they were born with, and a growing number of schools like Smith College supporting their desire to live as the gender of choice, history and science suggest that gender is more subtle and more complicated than anatomy.

mother's day thoughts (redux)

Please read my Mother's Day thoughts in an earlier post.

believing in music: film about transgender chorus

Anyone attending a gay choral concert has experienced the strange power of seeing a group of gay men or lesbians singing together. Amplify that by about 100 percent, and you’ll get a slight idea of what it must be like to hear Transcendence, the transgender choir of San Francisco that’s the focus of the documentary The Believers. Music soothes the savage beast, and in this case, that beast is intolerance.

Read the entire story here.

trans-woman elected president Of SF police commission

The San Francisco Police Commission has elected openly-transgender Commissioner Theresa Sparks as its new President.

Sparks, who joined the commission in 2004, has a long history of advocating for the transgender community, including working on a set of transgender-specific policy reforms adopted by the Police Commission in 2003.

Read the rest of this very interesting story here.

actresses portraying trans-women

I have a pet peeve: actresses portraying trans-women.

Here are two recent portrayals that come to mind that are so unrealistic: Rebecca Romijn on Ugly Betty and Famke Jannsen on Nip/Tuck.



Both are television portrayals, but the film industry is just as guilty using actresses to portray trans-woman, for example, Raquel Welch in Myra Breckenridge and Felicity Huffman in Transamerica.

Male actors should portray trans-woman because such portrayals would be more realistic if men filled the T-girl roles. Few actresses are the right size to realistically portray a male T-person. Their voices are not convincing and in boy mode, their mannerisms are not convincing.



When male actors do portray trans-woman, the portrayals are very realistic. Cillian Murphy in Breakfast on Pluto, Lee Pace in Soldier's Girl, and Johnny Depp in Ed Wood are examples of successful portrayals of actors portraying trans-woman.

Can you imagine someone like Drew Barrymore portraying Ed Wood? I think not.

miniskirts in history

The cacina, a sacred dance, at the Zuni Pueblo, New Mexico

Report upon United States Geographical Surveys West of the One Hundredth Meridian, in charge of Capt. Geo. M. Wheeler, Corps of Engineers, U.S. Army, 1875-1889

Jean Shrimpton, British birds, and miniskirts

Surfing the net, I came across the name Jean Shrimpton. Do you remember her? I do.

In the 1960s, Jean Shrimpton was a supermodel long before they coined the term "supermodel." She was English, part of the swinging London scene, and I was infatuated with her. In fact, I was so infatuated with her that I wanted to be just like her, which was kind of difficult for An overweight 16-year-old guy with acne.

About that time, my cousin dressed up as Twiggy for Halloween. He was a perfect Twiggy because he and she both had freckles and stick-thin pubescent figures.

Another Halloween, I dressed, more or less, like Jean Shrimpton. I certainly was not stick-thin and in my opinion, nether was Jean... well, not as stick-thin as Twiggy. Also, in my opinion, Jean was prettier than Twiggy and I was prettier than my cousin, so dressing like Jean Shrimpton certainly made sense to me.

Another British bird, Jacqueline Bisset, became one of my crossdressing models. My fascination with British girls had something to do with the miniskirt.

The mini was invented in Britain by fashion designer Mary Quant and it became the defining fashion symbol of "swinging London" in the 1960s. All the British "birds" wore miniskirts, more so than American girls, and I wanted to wear miniskirts just like the girls in Britain did.

When I made my first Halloween outing en femme as Jean Shrimpton, the dress I wore was just not short enough, so I used safety pins to shorten the hem, thus, my knee length dress became a thigh high mini.

Anyway, my attraction to the British distaff side continues to this day with Elizabeth Hurley and Kate Beckinsale now at the top of my wish (I was she) list. And I still like to wear short skirts!

mother's day thoughts

Mom died last summer. She was the most influential person in my life and influenced my penchant for crossdressing in a number of ways.

She was beautiful and did not need makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were all she ever used. I know because I used to enjoy watching her put on her minimal makeup.

She always dressed like a fashionable lady and that was difficult to accomplish because money was tight when I was a kid. As a result, Mom sewed her own clothes, as well as clothes for my sister. I guess I was a little jealous of my sister and wished that Mom would sew something for me, but there were few sewing patterns for boys' clothing. However, I would have been perfectly happy if she sewed a pretty dress for me like she did for my sister.

My Dad was a great guy, but he was not around much when I was growing up. He worked all the overtime he could get to make ends meet. For a few years, he also had a second job. I can remember way back to my earliest memories when I actually thought that my father was a visitor because his appearances at home during my waking hours were so rare. So, during my formative years, Dad was at work, while my Mom was at home raising my sister and me.

Since I was raised in an environment where the father figure was absent most of the time, it is no wonder that I tended to follow in the footsteps of the only figure that was available to me, my Mom. As a result, I admired her and wanted to do the things she did.

To add to my confusion, Mom often commented that because I had such nice legs, I should have been a girl. If she had made that comment once, I probably would have forgotten about it, but it seemed to me that she made that comment whenever she saw my legs bare. Don't you think that may have influenced me?

She also made comments about the way I walked. She said I "tippy-toed," i.e., I walked on my toes. I assumed from her comments that tippy-toeing was not the correct way for a male to walk, but I did not know how to walk any other way. She never showed me how I was supposed to walk, so I just kept on tippy-toeing.

I don't tippy-toe any longer. As I grew older, I must have figured out how to walk like a man. However, all my early years tippy-toeing may have facilitated my walking in high heels because ever since I slipped on my first pair, I never had a problem walking in heels.

I always took after the maternal side of my family ("You look like your mother"). So, it is no surprise that when I dress en femme, I resemble my Mom.

I don't know if Mom knew about her other daughter. I suspect she did because once she let it slip out that she was aware of my secret stash of female paraphernalia, but except for that one time, she never mentioned it.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

From your loving daughter, Staci.

transgender deceiver

Largo, Fla., city manager Steve Stanton attended a conference at city expense and dressed as a woman for two seminars without telling the city. Was he deceiving the citizens of Largo or just being incredibly prudent?

Read the whole story here.

transgender teens come out in Canada at young ages

As a child, Adrian Daniels wore hockey jerseys. He dreamed of marrying figure-skating champion Katarina Witt. And each night before he went to bed, he prayed that he would wake up the next morning with something he had always wanted: a penis.

Read the rest of the story here.

transgender law deadline approaching as New Jersey businesses watch and wait

On June 12, 2007, New Jersey Bill S362 will take effect, adding “gender identity or expression” to the list of classes protected from discrimination. Employers whose actions discriminate against transgender employees may face lawsuits. Difficult compliance issues face human resources officials, including questions like which bathroom to use, how to address co-worker and customer concerns, how to change official records, and insurance coverage of transgender health care.

For the rest of the story, go here.

Miss Transgender crowned in Nepal

Less than a month after the controversial staging of the Miss Nepal pageant, the country's gay community has held a Miss Transgender contest, in a double defiance of the Maoist opposition to beauty pageants as well as homosexuality.

Read the rest of the story here.

Once Again the HRC Sells Out Trans…

Read the bad news here!

still more guy things

I spent some more time doing guy things during lunch today.

I went to Home Depot to buy some super glue to fix one of my earrings. Then, I went to Payless to buy some new shoes, but they did not have the high heels I wanted in my size. Finally, I went to Kohl's and bought a darling dress: a black and white floral tie-back dress. It was on sale for $29.99, marked down from $50. I had a $25 gift card, so it only cost me $4.99 out of pocket.

a passing interest

This is a follow-up to my day doing outreach at two Human Sexuality classes at a local university last Tuesday.

I failed to mention how well I passed in my earlier post about that day!

As I wrote previously, I brought a second pair of shoes in case the first pair hurt my feet. By the end of the first class, my 3-1/2-inch stilettos had to go, so I asked D for the keys to her car so I could fetch my more comfortable shoes.

As I walked to her car, I saw a university dump truck parked right in front of D's car. The driver was talking with another university employee standing next to the truck. Oh, damn, just what I needed: the classic trans-woman nightmare, a Tranny Vs. Macho Guy face-off.

I was ready for the worst! Making a beeline for D's car, I tried to ignore the guys, but, the guy standing by the side of the truck greeted me with a very flirtatious, "Good afternoon." while the guy in the truck smiled appreciatively as he drove away. They flirted with me! Wow – that was an affirming moment.

I switch shoes for a pair that was a little lower and a little wider and now I have to find the Student Union where D, M, and the professor were camped out in between classes. I had been in the Student Union before, but in the past, I just followed the professor to the building without paying attention to how we arrived there.

I got lost fast, so I asked for directions. First I asked a couple - girl and guy students - for directions. The guy was a real gentleman. He left the girl and walked with me down the sidewalk to a place where I could actually see the Student Union building... sort of. And pointed me in the right direction… sort of.

I headed in that general direction, but I was still a little lost. In the next building, I found two girls seated at a table selling tickets to something or other, so I asked them for directions and received similar treatment.

My success at passing was amazing that day especially since I thought that I didn't think I look my best!

Did I really pass or were the people I encountered just being very respectful of a person showing a lot of diversity?

I have no doubt that I passed with the truck guys. If they knew I was a guy, I don't think they would have flirted with me.

I probably also passed with the male student who gave me directions. He was just a little bit too solicitous dumping the young girl student to help out the older businesswoman on campus.

My encounter with the girls selling tickets was too short, so I don't know for sure, but I did not receive any discouraging signals from them.

Needless to say, I was very pleased.

And I apologize to my readers if this all seems a little tedious, but I am still at a stage in my trans-life where passing is still important and I want to note all my successes and failures.

Which bathroom to use is no easy question for transgendered people

Read about it here.

By the way, I have never had a hassle using a woman's restroom when I am out en femme.

guy things redux

Saturday afternoon, I went to the mall to buy a new dress, wallet, and shoes. I came home empty-handed. I saw nothing I liked.

That's what I get for going to a s'mall. I should have gone to a big mall where there are more stores and larger versions of the stores I visited at the s'mall.

guy things

My wife is going to a baby shower this afternoon, so I will be on my own and free to do some guy things. My plan is to go to JCPenney at the mall and buy a new dress and wallet, then go to Payless to buy some new high heel shoes.

my dream job

When I was a kid, adults often asked me (just like they probably asked you), "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I would answer with a definitive, "I dunno."

In reality, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I didn't dare tell anyone because I wanted to be a female impersonator (or FI, for short).

Female impersonation is not the kind of career choice that is going to make Uncle Joe or Aunt Nelly proud of their nephew, so I kept a lid on my dreams and never ran away from home to join the Jewel Box Revue.

I regret that decision now, but I try to make up for it through occasional female emulation. I also live the life of a female impersonator vicariously by reading about the subject as often as I can.

If you are interested in female impersonation, I recommend a couple of sites on the Internet that deal with its history:

Drag Artists & Female Impersonators, which is part of JD Doyle's Queer Music Heritage Web site.

David de Alba's Web site – Alba was a female impersonator and his Web site includes interviews with other female impersonators and pictorial tributes of other FIs.

Vermont House Votes to Add Transgender Protections

Read about the good news from our neighbors up north.

Alexis Arquette On Being Transgender

I always found Alexis to be interesting. Read about her latest adventures here.

a tough question, a tougher answer

Whenever I tell my trans life story like I did at two Human sexuality classes on Tuesday, I always mention that I never told my wife about my crossdressing before we were married because I bought into the old wives' tale that marriage would cure me of crossdressing.

When I did come out to my wife about crossdressing after we were married, she was initially supportive, but less so as the years passed. Meanwhile, I became better at crossdressing mainly due to her suggestion that I seek out a support group, which taught me how to be a better crossdresser. Regardless, I enjoy crossdressing a lot and would do it more often if my wife did not dislike it so. And I feel guilty for not telling her before we got married, so I only crossdress once or twice a month in deference to her.

On Tuesday, one of the female students asked me if I could do it over again and told my wife about my crossdressing before marriage and as a result, she dumped me, what would I do? Would I continue dating and try to find a woman that accepted my crossdressing? Or what?

That was a very thoughtful question and a difficult one to answer quickly. I replied that if I could do it over again and my wife rejected me before marriage because of my crossdressing*, then I probably would continue looking. I know that such a woman would be very hard to find and that I would probably be unsuccessful, give up, and live full time as a woman.

Truthfully, if I had to do it over again, I would live full time as a woman and skip the formalities of searching fruitlessly for a woman that accepted me. If one came along, that would be great, but I would not put a lot of effort into finding Ms. Right.

Recently, there was a survey posted on Helen Boyd's message board asking "what woman you'd actually want to be?" There were a wide variety of answers, but mine was unique: "Staci Hunter - I very much like the woman I am when I crossdress. If I could live as Staci full-time, I think I would be one heck of a woman and would not want to be anyone else."

I really believe that!

So, do I owe it to myself to live the way I want to live? Should I burn all my bridges behind me and start living as a woman on a full-time basis? Do I abandon my commitment to my wife and become the woman I want to be? We only go around once. I won't have this opportunity again. I just don't know.

* By the way, I asked my wife if she would have dumped me if I had told her about my crossdressing before we were married and she replied that she probably would have stuck with me anyway.

yesterday, all my troubles seemed so faraway

Yesterday, I participated in two Human Sexuality classes at a local university with two other trans-woman. In each class, we each took turns telling our trans-life stories and then the class asked questions.

In the first class, there were only two of us, D and myself because M was stuck in traffic. After our biographies, the professor split the class into two groups for the question and answer period. When I participated in the past, the professor was unable to do this because there were no empty classrooms available, but yesterday a room was available across the hall, so half the class followed me there and we had our Q&A period.

I found that this arrangement was much better than when the whole class asked questions to all the trans-participants. The group was smaller, more intimate, and personal, so the students were less inhibited asking questions. Also, since I was the only one answering questions, they concentrated on my transness and I did not have to deal with transsexual questions.

In the second class, an empty room was not available, so the class was not split, and the Q&A period was noticeably less dynamic with a lot of lulls and dead air.

In both classes, most of the questions I answered were similar to ones I answered in past classes, but there were a few unique questions, too.

Q: When you are out crossdressed in public, have you ever run into someone you knew and what did you do?

A: It occurred once. I was shopping in a department store and saw a female co-worker. Normally, I would have just continued shopping because I am confidant that no one recognizes me when I am crossdressed. But in this case, I avoided my co-worker because she had seen me crossdressed for a Halloween costume contest that my employer had conducted two years earlier. I thought that she would likely recognized me and I was not competing in a Halloween costume contest.

Q: Don't you worry that your voice gives you away when you are out crossdressed in public?

A: My voice has never been an issue as far as passing as a woman is concerned. (By the way, my voice is not deep and I am soft-spoken even in male mode. In female mode, I just crank the softness up a few notches and hope for the best.) Then, I turned the question around and asked the class, "If you did not know I was a crossdressed male, do you think my voice would give me away?" Three or four students answered, "No."

Q: What is your favorite crossdressing film?

A: Just Like A Woman, a British film that represents the most honest portrayal of a crossdressing heterosexual male I have ever seen. Although the film had a typical sappy Hollywood ending, I found the film valuable because I could relate closely to the crossdressing character.

The highlight of the day was during the first class. After we broke into two groups and the Q&A was concentrated on me, a female student asked about my nails.

Q: Why do you have your nails done only to go out once or twice a month?

A: I wear pre-glued, stick-on nails that take about 5 minutes to apply.

That led to a comment from another female student about how good I looked for my age. Immediately, another female jumped in and said how well I was put together. After that comment, nearly all the females started talking at once, commenting about how nice I looked. I blushed with embarrassment and thanked them for their compliments. That Kodak moment ended abruptly as the professor entered the classroom with the late M in tow, but I was basking in the glory of that moment for the rest of the day and even now as I write this I feel very pleased.

By the way, I wore my black wool suit yesterday. The jacket has three quarter sleeves, which are more like half sleeves on me. Under the jacket is a matching sleeveless knee-length A-line dress. I also wore off-black pantyhose, silver jewelry, and my sexy black high heel pumps. I looked very much like a business woman visiting the university.

I have never worn those shoes for an extended period of time, so I was unsure how comfortable they would be. So, I brought along another pair of shoes that I knew were comfortable and all-day wearable. Lucky I did because by the end of the first class, my feet hurt, so I switched shoes and was more comfortable the rest of the day.

We did not eat out after the classes like we normally do because D had to attend an evening class she is taking at another local university, so we ate in the student union.

All in all, it was another great day out en femme and I was sorry it had to end!

en femme again

Tomorrow, I spend the day en femme again.

I will be ready to go out about 9 or 10 AM. I will meet D around 11:30 AM and we will travel to the university in New Haven where we will be doing outreach for two human sexuality classes in the afternoon. Since I will have some free time before I meet D, I may do some shopping at the mall or maybe I will go to a park and take some photos.

The weather is supposed to be on the cool side, so I plan to wear something more winter-like than summer-like: a two-piece tweed suit.

I am so looking forward to the day out!

can I picture sophia loren wearing it?

Recently, I read a blog that discussed the subject of dressing appropriately for your age. The blog was "What To Wear This Very Second" and the pertinent post in that blog was "How To Dress Your Age."

I recommend reading it, but I want to repeat (and comment on) the author's checklist for determining whether someone is dressed appropriately...

So, when considering whether you'd look good in a particular piece, use the following checklist:

1. Do I look good?

2. Do I feel good?

3. Does it say something positive (and perhaps truthful) about my rank in life?

4. Can I picture Sophia Loren wearing it?

In my opinion, question number 4 does it for me! If I can imagine the 70-something Ms. Loren wearing the same outfit that I am wearing, then I believe it is perfectly appropriate for this 40-something-else female wannabe.

size

Lately, I have been noticing the tiny size of some women I know. Some seem to be only 5 foot 2 and 99 pounds soaking wet. They wear size 0 or less. They buy clothes in the children's department.

I do not compare favorably with such women. I am a foot taller and twice the weight (on a good day). So, when I am out en femme, I try to avoid tiny women like the plague.

Standing or walking alone, people see a big, tall woman, but if I stand or walk near a tiny woman, people now have a point of reference. They see how much bigger I really am and then the start putting two and two together and come up with man.

a rare sighting

During my lunch hour, I usually walk a mile or so around the office park here where I work.

Yesterday, while I was walking by the parking lot of one of our neighbors, I heard one of my favorite sounds: high heels clicking on pavement. I looked around and found the source of the sound: a woman walking through the parking lot wearing high heels. She also wore a skirt or dress with a mid-calf hemline under a long coat.

What a rare sight! On the average, I see one or two dozen women on my daily lunch hour walks, but I seldom see any wearing skirts and heels. Usually they wear slacks, trousers, or jeans with sneakers or flats, which is what I usually wear when I walk.

And that's the problem! If more women wore skirts and heels, then I wouldn't stand out so much when I wear skirts and heels.

questions & comments I received during outreach

I added a new page to My Adventures in Femulation. The page is called questions & comments I received during outreach and I will update it whenever I receive new questions and comments while participating in future outreaches.

outreaching again

I will be doing outreach May 1 for two human sexuality classes at a local university. This is always an interesting experience because it gives me an opportunity to show young adults that crossdressers are like other people and not crazy, perverted, sick, (you insert the adjective) individuals as often portrayed by the media.

Fielding the variety of questions that the students ask is stimulating. Some of the questions they ask, I have heard from students during past outreaches, but there are always a couple of unique questions that are thought provoking.

Now, the big question for me to answer is "what to wear?"

my new girly car

I bought a new car and picked it up at the dealer the other day. My feminine side must have been in high gear when I picked it out because when I drove it home and showed it to my spouse, she said it was "pretty."

Now, I am looking forward to driving my girly car en femme.

other sites for crossdressed film buffs

Two other excellent Web sites for crossdressed film buffs are Hazel Freeman's International Transgender Film Guide and Tiffany's TG Movie Guide. Hazel's guide lists any film with transgendered content, while Tiffany's guide only lists films with male-to-female transgendering.

site for crossdressed film buffs

I am a big film fan. Yet, I seldom go to the movies. (Last movie I saw at a theater was Clerks II.)

However, I do have a Blockbuster subscription and I also have the big movie package on Dish Network, so I watch a lot of movies from the comfort of my home.

Over the years, I lost count how many times I would be watching a film for the first time and surprise, crossdressing appears in film unexpectedly.

Being a crossdressed film buff, I used to make note of the film if it contained crossdressing. Then I found a Web site that already had recorded each film appearance of crossdressing. The site is JK's Transgender Movie Guide. It has been on the Internet for a long time and is very comprehensive. I highly recommend it.

some good news for the crossdressed

The IFGE (International Foundation for Gender Education) held their annual convention in Philadelphia last week. I did not attend, but author Helen Boyd did and she had some good news for crossdressers in her blog:

"When we arrived at IFGE, we were greeted nearly immediately by Veronica Vera & Mariette Pathy Allen, even while we were checking in! Miss Vera would answer the question 'Are crossdressers obsolete?' in her opening remarks the next day, & she looked fantastic. (Her answer, in a nutshell, was 'no.')

"Crossdressers made a graceful stand for their place in the trans community this year, as in addition to Miss Vera, Miqqi Gilbert received a Trinity Award & delivered an acceptance speech that both (1) asked crossdressers to step up & (2) asked anyone who would disrespect or exclude CDs to step off. I was damned glad to hear it, since there really are some trans women who come off so smug I often feel tempted to mention that being a woman does not prevent one from liking crossdressers."

a member of the third gender

Today's newspaper interviews James Lescene, who is an actor starring in I Am My Own Wife, a one-actor play about Charlotte von Mahlsdorf, who was born a man, but lived openly as a woman in East Germany under the Nazi and Communist regimes.

I appreciated Lescene's answer to the following question: Did Charlotte ever want to be a transsexual?

Lescene replied, "She said, 'I wanted to live as a woman. I did not want to become a woman.' She felt that was closer to who she was. She felt that was closer to who she was. In most cultures, there is a third gender, and I think she represents that. She didn't want to be a woman, and she didn't want to be a man. She wanted to be this third thing. The fact that during a period of history in which everybody was required to be either one thing or the other, strictly, she somehow managed to be that third thing. It's not that she wanted to be gay. She wanted to live her life as this third thing, which there was no room for.

"That's why the play is so timely, I think. I look around now and think it's crazy. Everybody has to be either this or that, even in the gay community. There's very little discussion or room for this third gender. When people think of transvestites or transsexuals, they always think of kooks. They don't think about the people who are quietly living their lives and trying to be their own person. For better or worse, Charlotte was her own person."

the old girls' club

There was an article in my support group's newsletter about a road trip to see a presentation by Jennifer Finney Boylan, the author She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders.

According to the article, “After her presentation Ms Boylan opened up the floor for questions. After several ‘easy’ questions… Jenny was hit with a rather uncomfortable question from a genetic woman in her early 50s. The woman was truly trying to work this thing called transgenderism out, but she took the mood of the whole night in a different direction with her barrage of questions and comments.

“The tone of her questions was searching, but antagonistic. She basically said that she didn’t get transgenderism and that how can Jenny, after living the life of a privileged upper class white male, now expect to be welcomed as a woman. She further pointed out that Jenny did not have to go through growing up as a female, being teased by boys, dealing with menstruation, dealing with childbirth, and facing everyday discrimination. The woman topped it off by saying ‘frankly, I don’t want you as a member of my club.’

“Jenny was clearly shocked as was most of the audience and was taken aback and put on the defensive. She paused to compose herself, thought, and delivered her answer. Jenny agreed that these were all fair questions but that she did not expect them and could not answer them all right now…”

True, Jenny (and I) “did not have to go through growing up as a female, being teased by boys, dealing with menstruation, dealing with childbirth, and facing everyday discrimination.” However, growing up as a white male, who had yearnings to be female, at least some of the time, I was teased by boys and faced discrimination.

As a boy, I was not considered “macho,” although that term did not even exist in the English language when I was growing up. Other boys called me “fairy,” “twinky,” ”faggot,” and “sissy.” I did not know why. I did not think that I acted effeminately. I did not think that I looked effeminate either; I was the biggest kid in my class (200 pounds by the 5th grade) and I was the first boy who had to shave (by the 8th grade). I loved playing baseball and football, but I was usually picked last when choosing up sides (I could hit the baseball a mile, but I threw “like a girl.”). I did very well in grammar school (salutatorian in my graduating class) and was often considered the “teacher’s pet.” Maybe that gave the other boys mixed messages.

Things were not much better in high school. Some of the jocks got on my case. On graduation day, I recall a jock asking why I was in line with the boy graduates instead of the girl graduates. I also remember my Spanish teacher wondering aloud if I would dress like a senorita for “Spanish Night.” (I threw her for a loop when I showed up dressed like a Cuban revolutionary sporting a fake beard, cigar, and fatigues.)

By the time I was in high school, I had been experimenting for years with my sister’s and mother’s wardrobe. I felt very guilty about it and was sure that I was destined to spend eternity in Hell.

Attending a Catholic high school did not help matters. Once a month, the nuns marched us to church next door to confess our sins. One time, I remember making up my mind to confess my crossdressing sins, but when I got in the confession booth, I froze up and could not get out the words describing my sins. The priest sensed something was wrong and said he would forgive any sin I was too embarrassed to recall to him. All I had to do was admit that I had sins(s) I was too embarrassed to enumerate.

Here was my chance to get off the hook, a free pass that would enable me to start anew with a clean slate, but I blew it. I could not admit that I was hiding something from the priest! I ended up saying two Hail Mary’s and two Our Father’s and berating myself for years over that flub!

College was no better, but by then, I was used to my status and made the best of it. Boys and now even some girls teased me. Try asking a girl for a date when that girl thinks you are a “fairy” or worse. How many times did I hear “you are a nice guy, but…?” It hurt and I could not understand why I was being hurt. In my mind, I was not effeminate, so why was I being treated as if I was effeminate.

Today, I still don’t think I am effeminate; I act like I always acted and that is as my natural self; I am not faking it, I am not pretentious; I am not trying to fool anybody. But, now that I am older and a little wiser, I can put two and two together and realize that there must be some feminine traces in my male persona that other people recognize.

So be it. I try not to be concerned how others think about me. In my gut, I still care some of the time, but I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t care and maybe someday, I will be completely free of guilt.

And, in response to the woman who said she did not want Jennifer Boylan as a member of her club, I say “that’s ok,” because, as Marx once said, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

happy holidays

I just want to wish "happy holidays" to everyone who reads this blog!

still more photos

TM, another friend, e-mailed me more photos from Saturday's banquet. Here they are!

"...sweet, sugar, candyman"

Here is another photo from my support group's annual banquet on Saturday. My friend D took the photo and e-mailed it to me. It shows me lip-synching "Candyman" during the Follies portion of the evening.

the banquet

Saturday night, I attended my support group's annual banquet. There were over 60 people in attendance. The majority of the attendees were male-to-female transfolk, but there also was a growing minority of genetic females in attendance numbering about 15 or so. They were either the significant others of the transfolk or female supporters of our support group. It is interesting that every year; the ratio of genetic females to transfolks attending the banquet has increased.

I received a service award for the work I did for the support group (editing the newsletter, chairing the banquet, doing outreach, etc.). I was very surprised to receive the award.

I saw some old friends and acquaintances at the banquet that I had not seen in years, which was nice.

During the "follies" portion of the event, I lip-synched Christina Aguillera's Candyman. I was very nervous and I messed up some of the lyrics, but nobody noticed or seemed to care and I received applause after I performed and was not hooted off the dance floor.

Our guest speaker was a psychology professor from a local university. I was supposed to do outreach for one of her classes last fall, but I had to cancel at the last minute because it coincided with my Mom's death. Our outreach chairlady introduced me to the professor and she was very nice, remembered our e-mail exchange, and hoped that I could do outreach at her class another time.

It was a bad camera night. Maybe the ghost of George Eastman was in attendance and jinxed all of us who were using filmless digital cameras. I have only one or two acceptable photos from the evening and I know other attendees who were also having bad luck with their cameras.

I decided to wear the dress I wore to the Avon representative Christmas party. It was more formal than the others I had in mind and more appropriate for the occasion, and in retrospect, I am glad I wore it because it received a lot of compliments. Miss R e-mailed me on Monday with the following, "But I have to tell you, at the banquet Saturday night when you went up to receive your award... the GGs (genetic girls) at the three tables around mine, all you could hear was, 'Look at that Dress! Where did she get that dress? It's Gorgeous!'"

Unlike last year, the non-trans guests in the hotel did not bother us. Some seemed intrigued by us, some just ignored us. A large group of us ended up in the hotel bar after the banquet and most of the non-trans patrons paid no attention to us. And as I was leaving the hotel to go home, a young woman entering the hotel said, "I love your dress."

last night

I had a fantastic time at my support group's banquet last night, but I did not get home until 3 AM and into bed until 3:30 AM. As a result, I am too tired to write about the evening today, but I promise to write about it in the next day or two.

another adventure

I added another adventure to My Adventures in Femulation. It is titled at work en femme.

big night out

Saturday night is my support group's annual banquet. All the girls will be dressed to kill including your truly, but I am having second thoughts on how to dress.

Originally, I planned to wear the blue cocktail dress I wore to the Avon representative Christmas party, but now I am thinking about wearing something I have not worn before (I have a couple of options in that regard).

After I do my hair, makeup, and put on my undies tomorrow afternoon, I will try on my various outfit options, see how they look, and decide then which one I will wear.

And after my big night out, I promise to make a full report here accompanied by lots of photos .

Femulate This: photo

As you may or may not know, every day I post a new Femulate This: photo, i.e., the photo in the right frame of this blog. But I so like the current photo that I will let it be for another day (or two).

Isn't that a woman's prerogative?

crossdressing at work

I spotted someone crossdressing at work yesterday!

A 20-something blonde, who works in Human Resources was crossdressed as a male. She wore a man's shirt (one like the field engineers here wear with the company logo on the breast pocket), black Docker's trousers, and black shoes (flats that looked like the black walkers I own). Her shirt and trousers were big and hid her feminine figure. She wore no makeup and had her shoulder-length hair pulled back so that her ears were completely revealed.

The first time I saw her, I thought it was a new male employee or a male employee visiting from another branch of our company. Only when she spoke did I recognize her.

Today, she is back in girl mode.

It must be nice to have the option to dress as a boy one day and to dress as a girl the next day!

"Mrs. Cunberg"

I found an interesting item on eBay this morning: a photo of a crossdressed man. Although it is a nice colorized photo, it is the accompanying description that I found interesting.

Here is the description unedited:

"THIS IS ACTUALLY MY GRANDFATHER,HE WAS SO GOOD AT DRESSING LIKE A WOMAN THAT WHEN HE TOOK MY FATHER TO SCHOOL ALL HIS CLASSMATES WOULD GREET HIM AS MRS,CUNBERG,IM SHOCKED TO FIND PICTURE AS IT WAS HIDDEN VERY WELL IN ATTIC,MY FATHER WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BUT SAID HE WAS A WONDERFULL MAN,"

crossdressing event of the year

The local crossdressing event of the year, my support group's annual banquet, will be held this Saturday evening. In the recent past, we have had 60-70 crossdressers, friends, and supporters in attendance, dressed to kill in evening gowns and cocktail dresses. The evening usually begins with a cocktail hour, followed by a sit-down dinner, an after-dinner speaker, an awards ceremony, live entertainment, and dancing with a DJ spinning the CDs.

I have performed a few times in the past and will lipsync one song this year. I have been practicing for weeks and look forward to my performance.

I happened to catch The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert last night. It was the first time I had seen that film from beginning to end and I got a couple of ideas from the lipsyncing performances in the film to add to my act on Saturday.

My outfit is all picked out and ready to wear: the blue cocktail dress I wore to the Avon representative Christmas party. I am 99% sure that no one who attended the Christmas party (besides me) will be attending my support group's banquet, so my outfit will be brand new to all onlookers.

I do plan to wear more comfortable shoes. The pair I wore to the Christmas party were not very comfortable and if I wear them Saturday, I will be hobbled by the time I am supposed to perform my lipsync act. So, I will wear an old pair of black strappy 4-inch high heel pumps that are oh-so-comfortable. The are sexy looking shoes that I will glam up with rhinestone clip-ons.

The only thing I have to get are some false eyelashes and some glam eyeshadow (just clipped a Max Factor 2-for-1 coupon from today's newspaper - good timing).

I think I will really enjoy this year's banquet. I was chairlady for the past three banquets and it was a real job running the affair. This year, someone else is chairlady, so I will be able to relax, have fun, and enjoy the whole evening!

Oh, my God, you're beautiful!

Yesterday, I attended a day long conference for school-aged GLBT youth that was held at a local university. My support group had a table at the conference to distribute literature and to interact with the attendees. I volunteered to man the booth from 9AM to 4 PM, which meant getting up at 5 AM to get dressed and drive to the university before the conference actually began.

I wore my new wig, black knot front dress, and mid-heel pumps. I thought I looked rather lovely and felt wonderful especially since according to the morning weigh-in, I was down to my "playing weight." I drove to the university and arrived at our table at 8:50 AM. I set up the table and had everything up and running as the on-rush of people began.

I met some old friends from the T-world. There were others in attendance, but I missed them.

This was a potentially tough crowd: mostly high-school aged kids. There were also adults: teachers, guidance counselors, social workers, etc. The adults were very respectful. Many that passed our table without stopping smiled and some said "Hello." Those that visited our table were pleasant and interacted with me without any issues. Some even complimented me.

The teenagers acted in a similar manner while I manned the table, but when I walked around, I attracted more attention. I assume that while I was seated, the teenagers took me as just another middle-aged woman manning a table, but when I stood up and walked around, my six-foot two-inch stature alerted some that I was not what I seemed to be while I was seated. Nobody did anything disrespectful (after all, this was a GLBT crowd), but I could not help noticing the extra attention.

I could try and convince myself that I am just so ravishing beautiful that people dropped everything to watch me pass by, but who would I be kidding. I was dressed more over the top than the average woman in attendance. Most of the women wore slacks, trousers, or jeans. There was only a handful in skirts or dresses. So maybe my outfit was what attracted some of the attention.

I had a long talk with a 28-year-old bi-woman, who was trying to convince me that I could wear women's slacks and still crossdress. I don't know if she was hinting that I might blend in better wearing slacks or whether she was just discussing women's fashions. She could not understand why I had no interest in crossdressing in women's slacks (my point being that I might as well dress in boy mode if I wear slacks). She also hinted that I was wearing too much jewelry.

At the table next to me were two 20-something women; recent college graduated named Jeanette and Jen, who were asking folks to sign a petition advocating the separation of church and state. They were very friendly and we talked a lot during lulls in the crowd. Jeanette had some questions about crossdressing and I gave her a mini-education, while telling her my life story. She was very sympathetic. They were sad when they learned that I would not be working our table on Saturday.

I had lunch with D and J, two girls from my support group, and Namoli Brennet, a Tucson-based trans/genderqueer songwriter, who has been touring the country since 2002 when she released her first CD, Boy in a Dress. It was the first time I ever rubbed elbows with a rock star.

Namoli performed at the conference and also conducted a workshop. She is a very nice person in person!

Funny thing is that I am familiar with the song Boy in a Dress (I have it on my iPod), but I did not connect the song with her, the person with whom I was breaking bread.

I received a lot of compliments today, which just made the day so much nicer. Two were very memorable: One middle aged woman, who I thought was one of the best looking attendees I saw all day, came by our table, smiled and said I looked very nice, I blushed. Later, a couple of high school girls came by our table and when I spoke (using my boy voice), they both were startled and looked up from the literature on our table. One of them then said, "Oh, my God, you're beautiful!" You be the judge: see the photo accompanying this posting.

in her maidenform

Click here to see larger version.

women resembling trans-sisters

Look at this photo of Britney Spears that accompanied an online new story about her checking out of rehab.

Doesn't she look like a male-to-female crossdresser? Maybe it is the wig or the low-key makeup or the suit, but whatever… she looks like a trans-sister to me. Which got me thinking about other women who look like trans-sisters.

I have nothing against women, who look like trans-sisters. They help us real trans-sisters to blend in society. They obfuscate the line between males and females, which makes it easier for real trans-sisters to pass.

Consider this list of tall females of notoriety:

5 ft 8 in: Ellen DeGeneres, Shelley Duvall, Jane Fonda, Anne Hathaway, Paris Hilton, Whitney Houston, Angelina Jolie, Milla Jovovich, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Diane Keaton, Anna Kournikova, Debra Messing and Meg Ryan

5 ft 9 in: Lauren Bacall, Jennifer Beals, Annette Bening, Candice Bergen, Mariah Carey, Lynda Carter, Cher. Chelsea Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Joan Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Lauren Graham, Katie Holmes, Jane Kaczmarek, Julia Roberts, and Martha Stewart

5 ft 10 in: Joan Allen, Marian Anderson, Bea Arthur, Jules Asner, Tyra Banks, Elizabeth Berkley, Sandra Bernhard, Naomi Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Ciara, Cindy Crawford, Marcia Cross, Laura Dern, Diana, Princess of Wales, Minnie Driver, Jenna Elfman, Linda Evangelista, Angie Everhart, Louise Fletcher, Daisy Fuentes, Daryl Hannah, Anjelica Huston, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Heidi Klum, Lisa Kudrow, Christine Lahti, Queen Latifah, Courtney Love, Mandy Moore, Sandra Day O’Connor, Gwyneth Paltrow, Katey Sagal, Carly Simon, Leelee Sobieski, Mira Sorvino, Charlize Theron, Christy Turlington, Kathleen Turner, Shannon Tweed, Liv Tyler, Sean Young, and Serena Williams

5 ft 11 in: Susan Anton, Grace Jones, Nicole Kidman, Lucy Lawless, Julie Newmar, Cynthia Nixon, Queen Noor, Vanessa Redgrave, Rebecca Romijn, Claudia Schiffer, and Anna Nicole Smith

6 ft: Ann Coulter, Geena Davis, Macy Gray, Jerry Hall, Mariel Hemingway, Famke Janssen, Elle MacPherson, Eleanor Roosevelt, Brooke Shields, Uma Thurman, and Sigourney Weaver

6 ft 1 in: Brigitte Nielsen and Venus Williams

6 ft 2 in: Julia Child and Staci Hunter

6 ft 3 in: Lindsay Davenport and Janet Reno

6 ft 4 in: Rebecca Lobo

Yes, a lot of these women are drop-dead gorgeous and would never be mistaken for trans-sisters, but there are a few who might.

Take 6-foot-tall actress Famke Janssen, for example. She played a man (a pre-op and later post-op transsexual) in the television series Nip/Tuck and was mistaken as a transvestite in the film Celebrity. Personally, I would never confuse her as a trans-sister, but evidently someone thought that her persona was such that they cast her in those trans-sister roles. Similarly, Rebecca Romijn plays a post-op transsexual on the television series Ugly Betty. I dunno, but maybe in Hollywood, just being tall qualifies you to act as a trans-sister.

By the way, I have a pet peeve with Hollywood regarding the casting of trans-sisters on film and television. I hate it when a female is cast as a trans-sister. I think a male playing a trans-sister would be more realistic and lend credibility to the role.

walk like a woman

No matter how gorgeous you look, if you walk like a man, you will give yourself away.

When I first started going out en femme, I looked ok for a novice because I had been experimenting with clothing and makeup for a long time, but I had never been out of the house (except for Halloween). As a result, I walked like a man because there was no need to do otherwise dressing in the confines of my home.

My girlfriends admonished me, so I began to make a conscious effort to walk like a woman. After years of practice, it has become a second nature. When I am en femme, I find myself walking like a woman without making a conscious effort to do so. It is part of putting on my game face when I get dressed, i.e., a part of switching into girl mode.

So, how does one learn to walk like a woman? Instead of taking the time to explain how, I direct you to the following links that explain how:

• How to Walk Like a Diva
• How to Walk Like a Catwalk Model
• How to Walk in High Heels

the elephant in the room

A lot of my relatives are aware that I crossdress. I won't explain how they know, but I assure you that they know. (Also, some of them don't know that I know that they know.)

When I visit my relatives who are in the know, I feel like I am the elephant in the room because no one will say anything to me about my crossdressing, although I know that they speak about it behind my back.

I think I should dress en femme this upcoming Easter Sunday. I'm thinking of a real girly pastel dress with matching purse and heels, etc., etc. Then go visit my relatives.

I wonder if they would mention my crossdressing then?

my adventures in femulation

I have added a new link where you can read my past adventures in femulation. Some of my adventures come from my old blogs and old web pages, while some have never been published before.

I hope you will enjoy them and maybe they will inspire you to have your own adventures in femulation.

a no go

Yesterday, I woke up tired and felt out of sorts most of the day. The cold rainy weather did not help my condition, so I decided not to go out en femme last night.

my own roller coaster ride

I received the following e-mail today:

Do you have an opinion on going to therapy as a way of resolving CD/TG issues? I sometimes think there should be a conclusion to my feelings and frustrations. You seem to have reached a steady state, which I haven't reached. I can't see a happy medium.

Here is my response:

My life is a roller coaster ride as it relates to my transgenderism. Some days, I want to chuck it all, throw out my girl wardrobe and swear off crossdressing for the rest of my life. Other days, I want to pack up the car with my girl wardrobe, runaway from home, and live full-time as a woman in some other part of the country. Most days, I am somewhere in between.

Now that I am older and wiser, I know the first option is a big mistake because in the past, I have purged and sworn off crossdressing, but sooner or later, I come back crossdressing more passionately than ever. So, when those purging thoughts come my way, I ignore them because I know they will go away sooner or later.

In fact, I woke up this morning in a purging/swearing-off frame of mind. Then I start reading my e-mail and find an e-mail from Newport-News in my in-box. It is for a spring clearance sale. I go to the Newport-News web site to see what is on sale and I see a suit that I have had my eye on at one-third off the list price. Next thing you know, I'm ordering the suit and purging is the farthest thing from my mind.

My roller coaster ride has a lot to do with my wife. She is not very supportive and to keep the peace, I don't crossdress as much as I would like. I think if she were supportive, my life might be more like a Sunday ride in the park instead of a roller coaster ride.

I cannot give you my opinion on whether therapy would help or not because I have never been in therapy. I seem to be in the minority because most T-people I know have been in therapy for their T-issues. Some claim that therapy has helped. Your mileage may vary.

You wrote that I "seem to have reached a steady state." I think it appears that I have reached a steady state because I have resigned myself to my situation and try to emphasize the positives, rather than the negatives to make my ride as comfortable as possible.

found something to wear

Last night, I looked in my closet to find something to wear en femme when I go out Thursday night.

I found my black knot front dress that I wore only once before. It should be very suitable for a cocktail party. And I am sure I have a pair of black high heel pumps to go with the dress.

don't have a thing to wear

I plan to go out en femme Thursday night and I don't have a thing to wear!

out soon

I have not been out en femme for about a month and I am itching to get out. If all goes well, I will go to a cocktail hour after work on Thursday.

The cocktail hour* is a monthly event at a local art center. Being an art center, the place attracts a very liberal and diverse crowd.

A couple of my T-friends broke ground and attended the cocktail hour a few years ago. They had a great time, were accepted without reservation, and recommended the place to the rest of us.

Since then, I've gone there a half dozen times and usually find ten to twelve of my T-friends there amongst the crowd. I try to mix in with the crowd, but have had limited success and usually end up socializing with my T-friends (not that there is anything wrong with that) instead of making new non-T-friends

I don't know if I scare people off or what. I am not exactly ugly. In fact, I think I am very presentable. On the other hand, I am shy. Maybe if I try to be more outgoing I will be able to make some new friends.

I'll let you know what happens.

* It is an "hour" in name only and usually lasts from 6 to 10 PM, more or less.

The Queen

Helen Mirren has been winning awards right and left this year for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II in the film titled The Queen. Every time I encounter that film title, I recall another film with the very same title.

I read the Village Voice in the late 1960s, for its politics, music and film reviews, writers, and its occasional (very occasional) references to something related to crossdressing, transvestism, etc. I was in my late teens and desperate for information about crossdressing and transvestism and the only straight media to ever broach those subjects were the Voice and Rolling Stone.

One day back in 1968, I was reading the Voice and came across a display ad for a new film titled The Queen. Whoa! The ad showed a guy in various stages of applying makeup to become a girl. I had never seen anything like this before! I knew that The Queen would never be shown locally, probably nowhere in the whole state or even in all of New England. If I wanted to see it, I would have to take the train to New York City and see it there.

But what would people think of me entering or exiting the movie theatre where The Queen was playing? Would that news leak back to my hometown and cause me to be ostracized me as a teen queen? So, I decided that it would be safer if I did not go to The City to see The Queen.

Years later, The Queen was released on videotape. I purchased a copy and watched it on my TV. It was not a great film, but I wonder how that film would have affected me if I had seen it back when I was 17?

t-ad

While I was cleaning house, I found a magazine clipping that I saved. There is no date on it, but I would guess it is over ten years old.

I saved it because the women in the ad look like classy crossdressers (just like me).

if Hitler was transgendered

I am transgendered and believe that transgendered people should have the same rights and be treated equally as non- transgendered people.

That being said, if you knew of an evil transgendered person, who is in a position to harm other people, how would you feel about using that person's transgenderism against him/her in order to prevent him/her from causing that harm?

For example, if Hitler were transgendered, how would you feel about criticizing and ridiculing Hitler because of his transgenderism even though you are hurting yourself and the cause of other transgendered people? Would the greater good of preventing a Hitler be worth sacrificing the transgendered cause?

passing my age

She's got legs; she knows how to use them.*

Personally, I think that my legs are ok, but other people have convinced me that they are more so. My mother often said I had beautiful legs (and that "you should have been a girl with legs like yours"). My wife and other genetic women have admitted that I have nicer legs then they do. Members of my support group have complimented me
on my legs, too.

I am tall, so my legs are long; maybe their length causes an optical illusion making them look better than they really are. I don't know, but I am not going to argue with success. If other people are happy with my legs, then I am happy with them, too.

So, I ask myself, "Since my legs are such a great asset, why not show them off?" I usually respond by wearing skirts and dresses with short hemlines (sometimes scandalously short hemlines) and high heels that are 2, 3, or 4 inches high.

When I add 4-inch heels to my 5-foot, 14-inch stature, I standout in a crowd topping out at an Amazonian 6 and 1/2 feet! So, when I am out in that crowd, some people may think I am an Amazon; other people may think I am a man in drag.

One rule of thumb for passing is that you should dress your age, i.e., if you are an XX-year-old crossdresser, you should dress like an XX-year-old genetic woman. At my age (XX equals 40-something-plus) that means long skirts and lower heels or worse. By "worse" I am referring to the fact that these days genetic women dress like genetic men! Trousers and slacks, not skirts and dresses, is the norm especially among women my age.

I remember dining recently with four other T-girls at City Steam in downtown Hartford. The place was full of 20 and 30-somethings, men and women alike. Do you know how many people I saw in the restaurant wearing a skirt or a dress? Two: one of the T-girls I was dining with and me! I did not see one genetic woman in a skirt or dress. The temperature was hovering around 0 degrees that evening, so that had something to do with the dearth of hemlines among the distaff side of the crowd. Yet, you would think that there would be a few skirts around the knees of some genetic women, but there were none.

If I wanted to pass that night, I should have worn slacks, not the short black skirt that I did wear. And if I really wanted to pass that night, I should have worn flats instead of high-heeled boots, socks instead of pantyhose, a plaid shirt instead of an animal-print top, boxers instead of a panty girdle, a t-shirt instead of a bra. Also, I should have nixed the make up and left my pocketbook, wig, and jewelry at home. Then, I would have passed easily, but as a man.

In my opinion, passing is overrated. If I have to make a choice between dressing to pass or dressing to thrill, I will choose dressing to thrill every time. Sometimes, I dress to pass, but that is no fun. For starters, when I dress to pass, I usually am not very happy with the clothing I wear. To make matters worse, when I dress to pass, I constantly worry about passing. I cannot enjoy myself out en femme. It is a real drag!

On the other hand, when I dress to thrill, I am very happy with the way I look and I can be myself because I do not worry about passing. What is interesting is that sometimes when I am dressed to thrill, I pass!

Here is my favorite passing-when-I-wasn't-trying story.

Years ago, I did office girl drag for Halloween at work. I ran my pantyhose early in the day, so during lunch, I went to CVS to buy another pair. I did not want to cause a commotion, so when I entered the store, I went straight to the first employee I saw and explained my predicament, i.e., I had run my pantyhose and needed another pair for my Halloween costume. The woman I spoke to responded with, "The pantyhose are in the last aisle, ma'am." And so it goes.

So when I go out en femme, I am likely to dress to thrill and show off my legs rather than dress to pass. If I do pass, then that is just an extra thrill.

* You all probably recognize that line from ZZ Top's hit recording "Legs." I wonder if you remember a brief T-moment in the video for that song. In that video, leggy girls, who are dressed over-the-top, are shopping in a boutique outfitting another girl who is more conservatively dressed. The T-moment occurs when one of the leggy girls grabs a dress from a guy who is holding the garment up to himself to see how he looks in it.

her history

hobby – An activity or interest pursued outside one's regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure. (The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition, 1992)

I encountered female impersonation for the first time when I was 11 or 12 years old. That "encounter" was a newspaper advertisement for the 82 Club, a New York City nightclub that featured female impersonators. The advertisement asked, "Who's No Lady?" and contained a photo of a beautiful female impersonator.

The advertisement fascinated me. I was intrigued that a male could transform himself into a gorgeous female. Every week, I anxiously awaited the appearance of a new 82 Club advertisement and I was seldom disappointed as male after male was shown transformed into a beautiful female.

I was so intrigued that I began experimenting with female impersonation myself. Using my mother's and sister's wardrobes and cosmetics, I tried to transform myself into a young lady. I enjoyed every minute of it, but I started feeling very guilty. None of the guys I knew did what I did. I wondered if something was wrong with me.

I tried researching the subject, but all I could find were some foreboding references to "transvestism" in the encyclopedia. I also had a pretty good idea that Mom and Sis would not be happy about me using their stuff. But, I loved it too much to give it up, so I closeted my female impersonation, only to come out occasionally on Halloween.

I guess all my practice in the closet helped me become adept at female impersonation because more than once, when I attended Halloween gatherings, other attendees asked about me, "Who's the woman not wearing a costume?" If you can pass on Halloween, you can pass anytime and anywhere!

I thought about going to New York and becoming a professional female impersonator, but what would "they" think, so I went back in the closet and everyone was happy with me... except me.

I grew older and wiser and realized that I should have followed my dreams, but by then, I had commitments that would not permit me to run away from home and join the circus, so I had to be satisfied with female impersonation as a hobby rather than a vocation.

Although I am much older and a little wiser now, I still do not know why I enjoy female impersonation. I have read lots of articles that try to explain why we do what we do, but as far as I am concerned, none of the explanations ring true. Whenever I try to shoehorn myself into one of those explanations, I always conclude, "That's not me."

I love the ritual of transforming myself from male to female (and I loathe the reverse transformation). I am fascinated by the art of applying makeup. I love wearing dresses and heels and nylons and lingerie. I enjoy trying to speak, act and move like a lady.

If there is more to it, I really don't care. At this stage in my life, I have decided to play with the cards I have been dealt (and not try to figure out why I have been dealt four queens and a joker). I am going to enjoy myself and stop worrying why I am having fun.

wouldn't it be nice!

My girl wardrobe hangs right next to my boy wardrobe in my closet. Below, shoe boxes containing high heel pumps, sandals, and slingbacks are stacked next to my boy shoe collection. My makeup kit sits on the floor between the shoe boxes and the box storing my earrings, necklaces, bracelets, girly watches and rings. Next is a box containing my lingerie, and pantyhose. And next to that is a box containing my purses and pocketbooks. My wigs are in another box on a nearby shelf.

After I shower and shave and begin dressing for work, I am often tempted to don my lingerie, a pretty blouse, a knee length skirt, nude pantyhose, and a pair of pumps instead of my usual men's wear. And put on my makeup, wig, and jewelry, then grab my purse and go to work.

Wouldn't it be nice!