It Suits Her

Wearing Elágia

Womanless beauty pageant contestant

It's Just a Phase

By Paula Gaikowski (paula.gaikowski@gmail.com)

"It's just a phase." An expression that has been uttered with dismissive familiarity in countless households, echoing through the lives of countless transgender individuals. The reality is that gender identity is a complex and deeply personal aspect of who we are. It is a journey, not a phase.

Over the years, as I've tried to solve this puzzle, I've observed various stages or phases that many of us experience. These stages are not linear, and some of us may skip or linger in certain ones. However, there seems to be common threads that connects us all.

In this article, I'll delve into these stages and share my own personal experiences. My hope is that by understanding these common experiences, we can support and uplift one another on our unique journey.

The Initial Spark

The journey of feminine expression often begins with a spark ignited in childhood, the teen years and sometimes adulthood. For many, this initial spark is a subtle yet profound curiosity or fascination with the feminine. In my case, this spark was ignited at a remarkably young age. I had this burning curiosity of what it might feel like to wear tights and a dress. A quiet envy of the girls in my class.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was just a little kid, maybe second grade, and I sneaked into my sister's room. Her closet was a whole new world to me, filled with clothes that were unique and beautiful I was particularly drawn to her fishnet stockings. I'd seen the other girls at school wearing them, and they looked so cool.

With a mixture of excitement and fear, I slipped on a pair of panties, the stockings and then a dress. It felt weird at first, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this was right. This was the beginning, my desire to be feminine to be a girl would bloom like a flower after a summer rain. It was a secret I kept hidden for a long time, but it was the beginning of a journey that would shape my life.

Secret Experimentation

As the initial spark ignited in childhood, the desire to explore femininity grew into a more conscious and deliberate experimentation. During this phase, I begin to actively seek out opportunities to express my feminine side in secret.

As I got older, my fascination with feminine things grew stronger. I'd spend hours alone in my sisters' and mom's rooms after school, trying on their clothes and makeup. The basement was my secret playground, filled with forgotten gowns, dresses and shoes I could use to transform myself.

The more I experimented, the more I craved the experience. The thrill of dressing in feminine clothing, the joy of applying makeup, and the desire to wake up as a girl became an all-consuming passion. However, the societal stigma surrounding this behavior cast a shadow over my experiences. Guilt and shame became constant companions, reminding me of the taboo nature of my desires.

I'd pray at night to wake up as a girl. I became so jealous of the girls in my class, but I knew this was something I had to keep secret. The guilt and shame were always there, but the joy and excitement I felt when I was dressed as a girl were even stronger.

Denial and Purging

As I entered adulthood, the pressures of societal expectations and dating began to weigh heavily on me. The desire to conform to traditional gender roles pushed me to suppress my feminine side, believing I could simply "push it down" and move on.

The military seemed like the perfect environment to bury my feminine desires. The masculine culture and rigorous training promised a cure for what I believed was just a childhood phase. But despite my efforts, the desire to express my femininity persisted. The sight of centerfolds hanging in my locker would ignite feelings of envy and longing, reminding me of the part of myself that I was trying to hide.

As the years moved on fear of rejection and the potential consequences of coming out often led to periods of purging. Whenever my femulating became too prominent or caused conflict in my marriage and family, I would resort to drastic measures, discarding my feminine clothing and accessories. This was a form of self punishment, self flagellation that was meant as penance or a cure. The initial relief from the guilt and shame was temporary, however. The desire to express my femininity would inevitably resurface, leading to a cycle of denial and purging.

Over time, I realized that I could no longer ignore this essential part of myself. The weight of this charade was becoming unbearable. The constant battle between who I was and who others expected me to be was exhausting, a relentless storm raging within. The constant struggle between my true desires and the expectations of others was exhausting and unsustainable. It was time to do something.

Self-Acceptance

After years of internal conflict and external pressures, I finally reached a turning point: self-acceptance. This was a transformative phase where I embraced my true self, acknowledging and celebrating my gender identity and expression.

Around the age of 50, I was at a low point, filled with self-loathing and dissatisfaction with my life. To cope with the anxiety caused by the conflict of identity, I had turned to excessive drinking and overeating as a form of self-medication.

Seeking the guidance of a therapist, I found relief and began to address the underlying issues. I found myself confiding in Dr. D about my need to express my femininity. Just to speak out loud and share the way I was feeling, was amazing I remember that first session where I told him my life story as it related to being transgender.

Talking to a knowledgeable and understanding professional was a profound relief. The weight of years of guilt and shame began to lift as I realized that my feminine side was not a flaw or a burden, but an integral part of who I was.

Through therapy, I came to understand that my femulating was not a selfish or malicious act. It was simply a way of expressing my true self, a part of me that had been hidden for so long. I realized that my feminine side made me a more compassionate, empathetic, and loving person.

Self-acceptance also meant accepting that my wife would never understand or support this part of me. It was a difficult realization, but an essential one. I had to acknowledge that our relationship was built on different foundations, and that she was not capable of understanding my experience.

Accepting this reality was painful, but it was also liberating. It allowed me to focus on my own well-being and pursue my happiness without seeking validation from others. As I continued to heal and grow, I was able to reduce my reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Out and About

One of the most significant milestones in my journey of feminine expression was the decision to go out in public. This step represented a profound shift in my self-perception, as I embraced my femininity in a public setting.

For me, the desire to be seen and validated as a woman was a powerful driving force. The simple act of being addressed as "ma'am" or "Miss" was an incredibly uplifting experience, reinforcing my sense of self-acceptance and belonging.

The initial steps out the door were filled with anxiety and uncertainty. However, once I overcame the fear, the experience was incredibly liberating and empowering. It was a very real demonstration of the internal journey of self-discovery and feminine expression. I was putting all those years of effort into something real.

For me, this phase began over 15 years ago, during my business travels. The anonymity of being away from home provided an opportunity to experiment with public visibility. By carefully building a wardrobe of conservative business attire, I was able to step into the role of "Paula," a confident and stylish woman.

My business trips provided a cloak of anonymity. Checking into hotels as a man, I would go to my room, discreetly opening my carefully packed luggage. Hidden beneath the surface lay a secret world of transformation: a collection of skirts, blouses, dresses, wigs, makeup, lingerie, and shoes, each piece chosen with meticulous care.

With a sense of anticipation, I would begin my transformation. In the early days, fear held me back. I would slip out of the hotel through side entrances, avoiding the main lobby. But as time passed, my courage grew. I ventured out more frequently, taking the elevator, chatting with the hotel staff, and exploring the city. It was a time of exciting freedom, a chance to embrace a side of myself that had long been hidden.

In the hotels, shops, and restaurants near corporate parks across America, Paula flourished. The experience was amazing, affirming my sense of being a woman and allowing me to connect with other people on a deeper level.

Self-Actualization

For many individuals engaged in Femulating, a significant milestone occurs when they achieve a level of comfort and confidence in their feminine presentation. Through the artful application of makeup, the cultivation of refined mannerisms, the careful selection of clothing, and the styling of their hair, these individuals begin to embody a sense of femininity that extends beyond mere appearance.

This phase often marks a turning point, as many femulators decide to publicly embrace their feminine identity. Some may choose to transition and live as women full-time, undergoing medical procedures and legal changes to align their physical appearance and legal status with their inner sense of self. Others may opt for a part-time approach, living and working as women while maintaining certain aspects of their male identity.

Many femulators find fulfillment and a sense of belonging through involvement in community organizations and events. Volunteering at museums, participating in local initiatives, and interacting with others as a woman can provide valuable opportunities for social connection and personal growth.

At this stage, the femulator has achieved a significant level of self-actualization. They have come out to friends and family, asserting their true identity and building supportive relationships. Their comfort and confidence in their feminine presentation allow them to navigate the world with greater ease and authenticity.

Peace and Repose

For many individuals who have engaged in Femulating, a time of peace and tranquility may eventually arrive. After years of exploring their identity and navigating the challenges associated with expressing their true selves, they may reach a point of acceptance and contentment.

This period of repose might be characterized by a reduced desire to actively dress up or present as female. While the memories of past adventures and the joy of living as a woman may remain cherished, other factors such as age, retirement, or health concerns may influence a shift in priorities.

Ultimately, the goal is to achieve a sense of peace and agreement with oneself regarding gender identity. Whether or not one continues to engage in Femulating, the decisions made along the way should be viewed with a sense of contentment and satisfaction.

This phase of life offers an opportunity for reflection and appreciation of the journey taken. It is a time to embrace the lessons learned, the relationships formed, and the personal growth achieved. As individuals look back on their experiences, they may find solace in the knowledge that they have lived authentically and pursued their own path to happiness.

The journey of feminine expression for transgender persons and femulators is a complex and multifaceted one, marked by unique experiences and triumphs. From the initial spark of curiosity to the ultimate goal of self-acceptance and peace, this journey is a testament to the resilience and determination of those who embrace their true selves. By understanding the various phases of this journey and the common experiences faced, we can foster greater empathy, support, and acceptance for individuals navigating their gender identities.

Wearing Elágia

Renato Pozzetto femulating in the 1977 Italian film Gran Bollito (Black Journal).

Beyond Dreams

Wearing Gracia

Vincent Beier

Stuff: Sequins are a Girl’s Best Friend

By J.J. Atwell

Wait, I Thought It Was Diamonds

Well, perhaps a girl’s second best friend? There are lots of ways to bling up an outfit when going out. Bright colors come to mind and I’m certainly partial to those in girl mode. But if you really want to grab some attention, look for a sequin top or dress. Sequins are designed to catch and reflect the light. You can get them in pretty much any color you need to match the rest of your outfits. 

What To Know About Sequins

My good friend Gigi loves to dance. And she loves sequins. In fact, she even has a pair of sequin shoes to go with a sequin outfit when she goes dancing. 

What is a sequins? It’s a small, shiny piece of plastic or metal that gets sown to clothing (and other things) to catch and reflect the light. When you wear sequins, they seem to move as your body moves creating a nearly constant glitter. It’s a real attention getter. 

Sequins can also be heavy. Individually, they are very light, but sequins clothing can have hundreds of sequins. When you add that much to an article of clothing, the weight will be significantly more than the sequins-less garment. Fortunately, it is not so much that we can’t wear them!

Keep The Vacuum Handy

Sequins are a bit fragile. You may find some of them breaking off as you do normal things like sitting, moving around, getting into or out of a car. If you’re in the closet, you could inadvertently be outed by a rogue sequin. So you might want one of those little vacuums to pick up those suckers. Just kidding, but do be aware that detached sequins can be an issue. That could cause real trouble for those whose spouse doesn’t know or are in a DADT relationship. 

I’ll Be Back

Yes, there will be more glittery Stuff. As always, comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more stuff, so if there is something you would like to read about, please let me know!

Wearing Venus

Lucy outside London’s Philbeach Hotel, circa 2000

Change the Chanel

Wearing Boston Proper

Martin Short en femme at the 1989 Oscars.
Click here to view this femulation on YouTube.
Thank you Alyson for this femulation.

My Wild Life

I grew up in the city. The only wildlife I ever saw there were birds and squirrels, so it came as culture shock when I moved to my current home, which is surrounded by 5,000 acres of forest (protected reservoir property). Here I have seen a large variety of wildlife.

To make my home more wildlife attractive, I have an animal-proof bird feeder. It is essentially a two foot long metal tube with holes and perches for the birds to dine. Besides a large variety of birds, it has also attracted chipmunks, squirrels, raccoons, deer and bears. Being sturdy metal, bears have attacked the bird feeder and extracted its contents, but have not damaged it.

The wildlife put on quite a show on Monday. First a mother turkey and four kid turkeys showed up (they make an appearance almost every day). A half hour later, four deer show up – three generations – a mother, her two kids and her mother (they have become daily visitors now that the oak trees are shedding acorns). A half hour later, a black bear showed up and removed the bird feeder from its hook, but could not get the cap off the top of the feeder, so it was frustrated and departed after eating some birdseed off the ground.

Best show in town!

UPDATE: In addition to the wildlife attracted to the bird feeder, my yard has also been visited by rabbits, skunks, ground hogs, opossums, bobcats, red-tailed hawks, bald eagles and many other bird species.

How Trump Will Roll Back Trans Rights in 2025

Click here to read all about it.

Wearing Paige

 

Freddie Mercury, Roger Taylor and Peter Straker femulating in The Great Pretender music video.

Flying Femulated

I have never flown en femme. In fact, I have not flown in any mode since 2005, so my flying experience is not current. 

Since I am sorely lacking, when asked for advice about flying like a lady, I usually point to a blog of a girl who flew en femme frequently, but that blog is now only accessible by invitation. So when German reader Christina asked about flying en femme in the USA, I had to scramble for a response.

I do keep up with such things (that’s my job), so my impression is that flying en femme in the States is not a big deal as long as you follow TSA rules. My impression was confirmed when I searched the Internet on the subject and found a frequent en femme flyer, who had this to say:

“I fly en femme all the time and my ID is my original birth gender and photo. I have not had any issues in the last five years. 

“Before that, TSA was getting used to us and I was occasionally taken in the private room and searched a couple time by new employees, but they are well-versed now. Looking at the male ID and seeing the woman in front of them, they can see the resemblance.

“One word of advice: go all the way or not at all. I can’t count how many time in the earlier years when I was underdressed female, on how TSA remarked, ‘There seems to be something on your chest, Sir’ and I responded, ‘Yes, that's my bra.’ So it helps if you don't care that they know.”

I believe that is the state of flying as a lady in the USA these days. Your comments on the matter are welcome.

Wearing ModCloth

Bernard Zette (in black) femulating in the 1988 film Bright Lights, Big City.

Stuff: Shoes

By J.J. Atwell

A footnote

I talked about measuring yourself here back on August 5th. One of my very dear friends, Kathryn, pointed out that I had left out shoes. Huge mistake on my part. Shoes are such an important part of our femme presentation and finding the right size can be difficult. 

What size am I?

How do you find out what size women’s shoe do you wear? In days of old, when you went to a shoe store, a salesperson waited on you. They would use something called a “Brannock Device” to measure your feet and determine what size you were. Of course, the device was different for men and women because there are differences between men’s and women’s feet. 

You might be able to find a store that still uses these or you could do what Kathryn did and buy a Brannock Device. That might be a bit of overkill for most of us, but it might be a fun thing to bring to your next group meeting. 

Can’t I just add two sizes?

Most of us don’t have a Bannock Device handy, so we follow the usual advice when converting men’s shoe size to women’s: add 1½ to 2 sizes. I’ve found that is a good starting point, but you’ll likely find that you need to move up or down a half or full size. And that will depend on the style of shoe and the manufacturer. That’s right, once again we find that sizes are just a number and that the shoe makers have differing ideas as to what that means. 

Everyone’s feet are different

You’ll often hear people asking what is the most comfortable brand of shoe. In fact, I consulted my good genetic girl friend Alicia about that when I was looking for a nice pair of heels. Her go-to brand is Nine West (Mine, too – Stana). For what it’s worth, she works in an environment where she wears heels regularly, so comfort is really important to her. But you’ll hear many different opinions about what shoes are comfortable. They are all valid. There is no one shoe brand that is the most comfortable for everyone despite what the advertisements might claim. 

Imagine looking for a good pair of walking shoes. Something you can put on and walk several miles in them. Of course, they need to be stylish so that they go with your walking outfit. Where do you start? Look at what others are wearing? Ask your friends? Get advice from a blog? All good places to get some direction about style. But none of them consider the important factor: you. How tall you are. Your weight. How you walk. Your stride. Your gate. The shape of your feet. These are all factors that will affect how well those shoes will support you when you walk. 

And it’s not just the feet

If you’ll be wearing shoes for a long time, you need to have a pair that works for you. Think about those variables for a bit. It seems like it would be impossible to figure in all the possible variations. Fortunately, there is a great solution: trial and error. That’s right, you need to try the shoes on. Hopefully, doing so before you buy them so you avoid future discomfort.

When trying on shoes (be it men’s or women’s), you should try on both shoes and walk around a bit. Pay attention to how they feel on your feet, especially the toes, width and the back of the heel. If they squeeze too much or if they easily slip off, then that’s not the right size for you.   

But wait you say, I’m looking for girl shoes, but I’m in guy mode. I don’t want to out myself in the store by trying them on around civilians. Valid concern. I can give you the standard advice here: don’t pay any attention to the civilians, go ahead and own it. But if that doesn’t work for you and you can’t try them on first, be sure you can easily exchange them. 

I’ll be back

I hope today’s footnote has helped you get to the bottom of your femme presentation. In the meantime, I’ll be finding more Stuff to write about. I welcome comments here on Stana’s blog or by email at Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com.

Wearing Elágia

Iain Armitage femulating in an episode of television‘s Young Sheldon.

Trump’s Transgender Agenda

Donald Trump’s hidden agenda (Project 2025) outlines several policies that will significantly impact transgender individuals if convicted felon Trump is elected president. Here are some key points:

Reduction in Protections – Convicted felon Trump’s agenda will roll back protections established by the 2020 Supreme Court decision in Bostock v. Clayton County, which extended Title VII of the Civil Rights Act to include discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.

Gender-Affirming Care – Convicted felon Trump’s agenda will cut federal funding for gender-affirming care for both children and adults. This will limit access to necessary medical treatments and support for transgender individuals.

Legal and Social Recognition – Convicted felon Trump’s agenda equates being transgender to “transgender ideology” and suggests it should be outlawed. This will lead to increased legal and social challenges for transgender people, affecting their ability to live openly and authentically.

Federal Policies – Convicted felon Trump’s agenda encourages the next conservative president to implement policies that favor traditional definitions of gender and family, which will undermining the rights and recognition of transgender individuals.

Convicted felon Trump’s agenda has sparked significant concern and opposition from LGBTQ+ advocacy groups, who argue that such policies will reverse hard-fought progress and harm the transgender community.

Femboys: Future Femulators?

In recent years, the term “femboy” has gained significant traction, particularly through social media platforms like TikTok and Tumblr. But what exactly does it mean to be a femboy and why has this phenomenon become so popular?

A femboy is typically a male or non-binary individual who embraces traditionally feminine behaviors, aesthetics and fashion while identifying as male. This can include wearing makeup, feminine clothing and accessories, as well as adopting softer, more delicate mannerisms. The term itself is a blend of “feminine” and “boy,” highlighting the fusion of gender expressions.

The concept of men adopting feminine traits is not new. Throughout history, various cultures have had different standards for masculinity and femininity. However, the modern femboy phenomenon began to take shape in the 1990s and has since evolved, particularly with the rise of the internet1.

Platforms like TikTok have played a crucial role in popularizing the femboy aesthetic. Hashtags such as #femboyfriday have created communities where individuals can share their looks, experiences and support each other. Influencers and content creators have also contributed to normalizing and celebrating this blend of gender expressions.

One of the most significant impacts of the femboy phenomenon is its challenge to traditional gender norms. Femboys defy the rigid boundaries of what it means to be masculine or feminine, promoting a more fluid and inclusive understanding of gender. This has opened up conversations about gender identity and expression, encouraging acceptance and diversity.

Femboys often incorporate elements of women’s fashion into their wardrobes. This can include skirts, dresses, crop tops and more. The key is not just in the clothing but in how it is styled to create a cohesive look that blends masculine and feminine elements. Accessories like jewelry, nail polish and makeup are also common, adding to the overall aesthetic.

The rise of the femboy has had a broader cultural impact, influencing fashion trends and media representation. It has also sparked discussions about the fluidity of gender and the importance of self-expression. By embracing both masculine and feminine qualities, femboys are helping to break down the binary view of gender and promote a more inclusive society.

The femboy phenomenon is more than just a trend; it is a movement towards greater acceptance and understanding of gender diversity. By challenging traditional norms and celebrating individuality, femboys are paving the way for a more inclusive future. Whether through fashion, behavior, or social media presence, femboys are redefining what it means to express oneself in today’s world.

Adopting female names is a personal choice for many femboys, often reflecting their gender expression and identity. This practice can be empowering and affirming, allowing individuals to align their names with how they feel and present themselves.

There are various reasons for adopting a female name.

Gender Expression – Names can be a significant part of one’s gender expression. Choosing a name that feels right can help femboys express their femininity more authentically.

Personal Identity – A name that resonates with one's identity can boost confidence and self-esteem. It can also help in social interactions, making it easier for others to understand and respect their gender expression.

Community and Belonging – Within LGBTQ+ communities, adopting a name that reflects one's gender identity can foster a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Some femboys prefer names that are traditionally feminine, while others might choose gender-neutral or androgynous names. Ultimately, the choice of name is deeply personal and varies from individual to individual. It’s about finding a name that feels right and represents who they are.

And so it is going.

Wearing Femzai.com

Rose also know as F1NN5TER

Kick Off

 

Wearing Ann Taylor

Tim Dashwood femulating on the Australian stage in Managing Carmen, a 2012 play about a crossdressing football/soccer player.