Gender Blind

When I was preparing for the Saturday ham radio meeting, I thought that there was a possibility that a long-time acquaintance who is blind might be in attendance. She had attended that meeting in the past, so I wanted to be prepared in case she attended on Saturday. As it turned out, she did not attend.

But what if she did attend? She would likely recognize my voice, but would she receive any clues that I was a woman? Would she notice my long nails when we shook hands? Would she smell my perfume?

Someday, I will run into her as a woman and I will let you know what happens. In the meantime, I leave you with a wonderful story that Michelle sent me from the UK about identifying gender when you are blind.

Wearing Trina Turk. I love this dress and wish they had it in my size.

Linus Rosenauer, male model

T Awareness Week Starts Friday

Transgender Awareness Week (#TransWk) begins this Friday and ends next Friday, which is Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR).

TDOR is an annual event honoring the memory of those lives lost in acts of anti-transgender violence, whereas T Awareness Week is intended "to help raise the visibility of transgender and gender non-conforming people, and address the issues these communities face."

Doing my part, I took a half-step when I went to work as a woman on Halloween Eve. I am thinking about completing the step next week by admitting to my co-workers that I am indeed transgender. It will come as a surprise to some my co-workers, while others may already suspect that something is up, so I will only be confirming their suspicions.

Please tell me why I should do it and/or tell me why I should not.

Note that my job is not on the line; Human Resources, my boss and her boss already stated that they fully support me, so losing my job is not an issue.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Wearing BB Dakota.

Landon Patterson, homecoming queen,
Oak Park High School, Kansas City, MO

A Connection

Whenever I encounter a transition story, I read it to see if there are any similarities between the subject transwoman and me.

Sure, our basic stories are usually similar ― she started out as a male with strong female inclinations, was bullied as a child, was confused, considered manning-up, yadda yadda yadda. But as they say, "there is no typical experience for people making the transition." Our stories are so different that I cannot make connection, that is, I cannot find anyone with an experience like mine so I can see how they navigated through the rough seas.

On Monday, Diana posted a link on her blog to a story about a transitioning CEO in Vermont named Christine Hallquist. The story starts off with Christine showing up at the office one day presenting as a male and then showing up the next day at a professional conference presenting as a woman, where she is fully accepted by her peers.

(Sound familiar? Reminds me of my trips to Hamvention, where I came out and was accepted by my fellow hams.)

And there's more.

Christine Conferencing

Before Christine came out at work, she had a photo of herself presenting as a woman in plain sight on her desk. "I thought, 'I'll use this as the vehicle to come out,'" she said. "But nobody ever asked who it was."

(Similarly, for over three years, I have had a framed photo of Stana on my desk at work in plain sight and nobody has ever mentioned it.)

There are other similarities, as well as differences between Christine and me. Nevertheless, I felt more of a connection with her than most transwomen I know.

Wearing Boston Proper.

Barney Rubble and Fred Flintstone, prehistoric femulators

why I am girly

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me.

Back then, physicians prescribed Diethylstilbestrol (DES) to prevent miscarriages in women who had had previous miscarriages.

Did my mother take DES? She is deceased, so I will never know. But, if she did take DES, then that may explain why I am the way I am.

DES can cause feminization of the male fetus and some studies suggest that otherwise-male children exposed to DES before birth may be more likely to be transsexual women than otherwise-male children who have not been exposed.

Although I will never know if my mother took DES, there are other indications that she did. For example, I have Gynecomastia and although the causes of common Gynecomastia remain uncertain, it has generally been attributed to an imbalance of sex hormones, that is, too much estrogen.

In addition to Gynecomastia, I am more womanly than the average guy in other ways. For example, my mannerisms and speech patterns have feminine traits and my emotions are more feminine than masculine.

A few years ago, I was doing outreach with three transsexuals at a local college and a student asked how the transsexuals' hormone regimen affected them. All three transsexuals admitted that they became more emotional after they began their hormone regimen, for example, one stated that she never cried at movies before taking hormones, but after taking hormones, she cried at movies all the time. I spoke up that I never took hormones and that I cry at movies all the time!

An overabundance of female hormones may be the cause of my proclivity for the feminine. And as I wrote here on Friday, my parents may have nurtured that proclivity.

Repeating what I wrote here, "Dad was absent in my early life working two jobs to support his wife and kids. Mom cherished her firstborn child (me), coddled and pampered me, and instilled in me many traits that were considered 'feminine.' With Dad absent early-on, Mom was all I had to model myself after and that I did, which just compounded my feminization."

I had two strikes against me (too many female hormones and too little male role modeling) and when my third opportunity to swing came, I just stood there with the bat on my shoulder and was called out (of the male gender) on a called third strike.

I did not bother swinging because I liked myself. I was very satisfied with the results of the first two strikes. I liked the way things were turning out. I did not mind being a girly boy.

Except for some abuse from the macho boys and rejection by their female followers, being a girly boy was a pretty good deal. I could partake in whatever boy or girl pursuits interested me and not have to worry about tarnishing my image.

And when I took up the male pursuit of female impersonation, I found that I excelled at it because I already spoke and acted like a lady, I took to the art of cosmetics like a swan takes to water, and I could nearly fill a bra without any padding.

And so it goes.

(This post originally appeared in September 2009.)

Wearing Nichole Miller.

Actor Alec Mapa femulates in a 1997 episode of television's NYPD Blue. 

Big Day Out

Saturday, I spoke at a meeting of the operators of a ham radio network that covers the Northeast. As I wrote here Thursday, this would be different than when I attend and staff a booth at the ham radio convention (Hamvention) in Dayton, Ohio.

“I have some anonymity at the convention. I appear to be just another middle-aged woman attending the convention. Only if a civilian examines my name badge, recognizes my call sign, and then puts two and two together, do they realize that I am not the ham I used to be.”

Saturday, “I will not be anonymous at the meeting. My name and call sign will be announced before I speak…”

Knowing hams, I assumed that the attendees would be dressed in weekend casual garb. Since I was representing and evangelizing the ham radio group in which I am the secretary, board member and newsletter editor, I wanted to make a good impression, so I dressed a little better than weekend casual.

I wore the new zip front dress I bought at Dress Barn last week and accessorized with an animal print scarf from Avon, nude high heel pumps from Payless, a gold retro style watch from Avon and a pair of vintage retro style gold earrings. (The accompanying photo is how I looked before I left home for the meeting.) And I was correct — all the attendees wore weekend casual garb — one fellow even wore sweats.

I arrived at the meeting site, American Red Cross Headquarters in Farmington, Connecticut, ten minutes before the start of the meeting at 9 AM. There were four or five attendees already in the meeting room. In all, 14 attended myself included, ranging in age from mid-30s to the mid-70s. There was one other woman; she also was a ham and the wife of one of the other attendees.

I introduced myself and everyone was polite to the stranger (me). But no one engaged me in conversation. My guess is that they did not put two and two together and had no idea who I was.

About an hour into the meeting, I gave my 15-minute presentation. When I was done, some of the attendees were no longer polite — they now knew who I was and talked ham radio topics with me.

The fellow sitting next to me, who had ignored me up to that point, began talking to me like we were old friends. It turned out that we were old acquaintances. I recognized his call sign and realized that we had conversed over the airwaves using Morse code a number of times over 30 years ago!

When I left, the attendees thanked me for coming to their meeting and really seemed pleased that I had come.

I don’t think it could have gone any better. I never mentioned that I was transgender and everyone seemed to accept me as I appeared. No one confronted me about my past history as a male.

The only bad thing is that I completely forgot to take photos at the meeting!

I promised my wife that I would buy some groceries after the meeting and a Stop & Shop is on my way home.

Since I was on a roll, I decided to go grocery shopping as a woman instead of driving home, changing into boy mode and driving back to Stop & Shop. I hesitated momentarily because I was overdressed for grocery shopping, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and went grocery shopping anyway.

During 15 minutes of shopping, I noticed three or four guys checking me out, but no one else paid much attention to me until I queued up to check out. After I emptied my shopping cart onto the conveyor belt, I noticed the woman ahead of me look down at my shoes. Then she looked at me and remarked, “You are a brave woman to wear those heels to go grocery shopping!”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled at her. She didn’t know it, but she just made my great day that much greater.

Still on a roll, after I loaded the groceries into my car, I drove to the Stop & Shop gasoline station and pumped gas in my pumps.

Nadia

TGIF (TransGenders, It's Friday!)

This day's post is a little late because I am a little behind. And if anything gives me away, it's my flat little behind.

I thought about padding my posterior, but I have seen a few girls who have padded and in my opinion, it doesn't look real. The foam padding provides the correct shape, but it does not move like a real behind. Rather, it looks stiff ― just like foam padding!

Awhile ago, I found instructions on the Internet for enhancing your rear by using a pair of pantyhose to lift and shape your rear. The results looked good and since no padding was involved, the enhanced butt probably moves naturally, too. Sadly, I lost the instructions and Google cannot recover them for me.

If anyone has a clue where those instructions reside, please let me know. Also, I would love to hear your experiences femulating your posterior.

Meanwhile, have a great weekend!

Asian Desert and her girlfriend.

Further Out There

Depending on how closely you read this blog, you may or may not know that I am a "famous" author in the ham radio world who attends the world's largest annual ham radio convention every spring in Dayton, Ohio. And for the past 6 years, I have attended the convention as a woman.

I have some anonymity at the convention. I appear to be just another middle-aged woman attending the convention. Only if a civilian examines my name badge, recognizes my call sign, and then puts two and two together, do they realize that I am not the ham I used to be.

Recently, I was invited to attend and speak at a meeting of the operators of a ham radio network that covers the Northeast. I will not be anonymous at the meeting. My name and call sign will be announced before I speak and I can see the jaws dropping already!

The meeting is this Saturday and I admit to you that I am a little nervous about it.

Wearing Fashion to Figure.

Marie Sunshine.

It Gets Better

By Amy

Once gobs of Dermablend. Now only a light foundation is needed due to hair removal and shaving close.

Once my skin was course, now it is soft. (Retin A.)

Once clothes were ill fitting, now a size 8 is just right. Looks right.

Once my hair was short. Now it can be styled for either gender. (And color and highlights!)

Once I was directed to the men’s dressing rooms. Now I am welcome with the women.

Once my walk was clumsy. Now it expresses who I appear to be quite well.

Once I looked down and away from others. Now I smile and they smile back.

Once (I would notice), other diners would notice me. Now it is rare to see anyone take notice.

Once I would often hear the wrong pronoun. Not anymore.

Once I was alone. Now new friends are easy to make, and the encouragement is amazing.

Once I was gripped with fear while driving. Now a speeding ticket is no problem. (Yes, he was very polite.)

Once I avoided interaction, now men open doors for me, women converse.

Once uncertain looks meant ambiguity was obvious. Now only surprised smiles and good conversation follows.

Once the mall was the limit of my world. Now there are no limits to where I can go and what I can do.

Once questions of why and how were common. Now my sincerity, commitment and femininity are obvious.

The message is that if you are working hard at passing, you may actually pass better than you think. It takes time and practice, but it will get better. In recent years my many extended outings as Amy have been nothing but rewards. Every woman I meet seems to say, “Welcome to the Club!”

Wearing Brahmin.

Lisa takes a selfie after dressing for Halloween 2015.

I'm Down

On Saturday, I had an appointment with my hairdresser and since it was Halloween, the holiday came up in conversation while she was doing my hair.

One thing led to another and she asked if my workplace did anything for Halloween. I said a few people showed up in costume.

Then she asked me if I was a good sport and wore a costume. I pulled out my iPhone and showed her a photo of how good a sport I was.

She was flabbergasted and took my iPhone to show her mother who is the receptionist at the salon. Her mother was also flabbergasted.

I said I should have visited the salon on my way home from work on Friday so they could have seen my "costume" in person. Wait 'til next year, my hairdresser said.

On Monday, no one at work mentioned that I went to work as a woman on my Friday, Halloween Eve.

I did mention it to a co-worker who was absent on Friday and who knows I'm trans. I showed him my photo and he showed me a photo of his Halloween costume (an edgy wizard).

Anyway, I am kind of down today. That's not true. I am very down today.

I loved going to work as a woman on Friday. I loved going out during my lunch hour and after work as a woman. I loved being myself on Friday.

Once a year is not enough. Dressing in boy mode for work is the real drag.

Wearing LM by Mignon.

Actor Alec Mapa on the red carpet at the taping of RuPaul's Drag Race, May 2013.

Woman at Work: Wrap-Up

Three people noticed I was wearing a new wig, but no one 

noticed that I was wearing new glasses with burgundy 

colored frames!

I received a lot of positive comments about doing the live blog on Friday and plan to do it again if the opportunity arises and it makes sense to do it. Internet access is the key to doing it successfully, so doing it at work was a perfect scenario.

∞ ∞ ∞

Most of the live blog posts were short and I want to expand on what I wrote on Friday, so here goes!

∞ ∞ ∞

In the 10:05 AM Post, I mentioned attending a “gemba.”  When it was my turn to speak, I said “I had nothing” because I had no news regarding my part of the project under discussion. 

The moderator of the gemba, our Director of Engineering, asked me, “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to add?” 

Knowing him as long as I have, I am sure he was teasing me about my “costume.”

Anyway, after a long pause, I said, “No”, but after I thought about it, I wish I had said, “I guess you all figured out by now that I am transgender.” 

That would have been a gemba they would be talking about for years to come!

∞ ∞ ∞

When I went to show myself to my boss, I found her in her boss’s office (my boss and her boss are women and both know I am transgender, but now that I think about it, I bet that they don’t know that the other one knows because I came out to them separately).

Anyway, they were both wild about my “costume” and my boss’s boss blurted out, “You look better than (my boss)!”

I did not notice my boss’s reaction, but I think my boss’s boss might regret what she said. 

The truth is that although my boss is pretty and is about 10 years younger, I think I can modestly say that I compare favorably to her as a woman.

∞ ∞ ∞

Friday as a woman was more like two days as a woman: a day as a woman at work and a day as a woman outside of work.

Outside work, I felt like an invisible woman passing unnoticed among the civilians. When I interfaced with civilians like the sales associates at Dress Barn and Macy's, they treated me like a female customer. I sometimes suspect and detect that such treatment is due to the $ in the word cu$tomer, but on Friday I think the treatment was genuine. At least it appeared genuine to me and that is what counts.

At work, everyone knows me as a guy the rest of the work year who does a good job looking like a woman one day of the year. Five co-workers know what's really up, but I don't know what the other 70 people think.

Comments like "you look too good" or "you do it too well" infer that they suspect something is going on beyond a Halloween costume. And those are just the folks like our CEO on Friday, who are vocal to my face about it. Others probably have similar opinions, but keep their thoughts to themselves or amongst themselves.

Whatever their thoughts, they all seem fine with me. I have an excellent relationship with everyone in my office and that probably has made it easier for them to accept me or put up with me during my one day per year fling as a woman.

So why do I do it?

Of course, I love doing it, but there is a small ray of hope that someday I will be able to go to work (and go everywhere else) as a woman all the time. My Halloween fling is a test for me and my co-workers for when that wonderful day finally arrives and I think we all passed. 

Actor Alex Newell on the red carpet at the RuPaul's Drag Race party, February 2014.

Live Blog: Woman At Work

8:03 AM Post:

Up at 5 AM. Took care of the menagerie and began the transformation at 5:35.

I took my time doing my makeup (slow, but steady), so it took a little longer getting ready.

Out the door at 7:05 and I arrived at work at 7:40.

Although I only mentioned that I would be a woman at work to my boss, no one is surprised and expected me to do it.

8:30 AM Post:

When I walked in the building this morning, I asked our receptionist to take some photos. Here is one:

8:45 AM Post:

Three people noticed that I am wearing a new wig!

8:48 AM Post:

The receptionist just called me "Staci," which is the name I used before switching to Stana. She also asked me how I tied my scarf and I gladly showed her.

9:15 AM Post:

There is a bit of a lull here, so here is another photo (sans glasses and cape) taken by the guy who sits in a cube adjacent to me. Instead of an iPhone, he used a Canon digital SLR camera.

10:05 AM Post:

I just attended a "gemba" (reps from various departments stand in a circle and update the group about the status of a project). The Director of Engineering ran this gemba and called me "Caitlyn." He is always impressed with my "costume" and was impressed again this year.

A few other people did wear costumes today. 

10:20 AM Post:

A number of women complimented me on my outfit and they love my shoes (I do, too)! They are also amazed on how well I navigate in them... just like a woman.

I bought these shoes from Nine West two years ago, but I never had the opportunity to wear them until now because I did not have an outfit that went with them.

So far, they have been very comfortable despite their 4-inch heel.

11:05 AM Post:

Going to Dress Barn in a little while. The sales associates wanted to see how the dress they sold me on Monday looks on me today.

12:35 PM Post:

I went to Dress Barn and the sales associates who sold me the dress on Monday were not in the store; they work later in the day today.

Not to waste a Dress Barn visit, I browsed the racks and took a half dozen items to the dressing room. Some things looked and fit better than others. 

One dress fit perfectly and looked great: a simple figure-hugging black sheath dress with a gold front zipper that makes the dress. I bought the dress and returned to work.

1:00 PM Post:

As I got ready to leave Dress Barn, my feet started complaining loudly and when I got to my car, I switched to my black medium height wedges. 

1:15 PM Post:

Another lull, so it is time for another photo. My boss' boss took this one on her iPhone as I stood in her office doorway. 

1:53 PM Post:

It is very quiet here. Friday afternoon and things are winding down.

I am very tired. I went to bed late watching the Patriots, got up early to femulate and did not sleep that well in-between because I was excited about today. 

One of my biggest fans here just stopped in to ask me how it is going. He goes out of his way to use the proper pronouns when I am a woman and he once said that I missed my calling and should have been a professional female impersonator.

2:50 PM Post:

This will probably be my last live post for awhile because I am leaving work and going to the mall to shop for a new evening gown. My next post will probably be from home this evening.

7:30 PM Post:

I was successful at Macy's at the mall. I bought a Connected sequin-lace cowl-neck sheath in purple. The photo on the website does not do the dress justice; the sequin is not apparent in the photo, but it makes the dress in person.

My feet had recovered by the time I arrived at the mall and I switched back to heels for my mall tour.

I am going to bed early tonight. I am exhausted!