Where's Billy?

Billy and I were best friends throughout grammar school. I can't remember how we became friends, but we had a lot in common and that is probably what drew us together. We were both Polish, which was a rare commodity in our neighborhood, we both went to the same church (a Polish parish, needless to say), we were both artists, which put us on the outs with the school's "in crowd," and we both were fascinated in the opposite sex. We had crushes on certain girls, but we both were also scared of them and never did anything about our crushes, at least not in grammar school.

Around puberty, maybe in the 7th or 8th grade, I remember Billy hinting that we dress as girls for Halloween. At that time, I knew something was up with me gender-wise, but I didn't know what. The idea of dressing as a girl for Halloween was very attractive, but I was also in public denial about my gender issues and told Billy that I had no interest in his Halloween costume plans.

I don't remember what I wore for a costume that Halloween, but I do recall that I went out with my usual Halloween trick and treat partner in crime, my other best friend, who lived across the street.

In school the next day, Billy mentioned that he did dress as a girl; he trick and treated at my house and was disappointed that I was not home to see him in his costume. Note that Billy never before trick and treated my house, so he made a special effort that night to show me his girl costume.

Around this same time, I remember that one of us decided that we should adopt girl names (why - I don't know) and for days, he addressed me by my girl name, which was "Susan" and I addressed him by his girl name, which I cannot recall now.

As I mentioned above, we were both artists. He was very good at painting and I was a very good at sketching. As an outlet for my budding trans psyche, I spent a lot of my free time back then sketching males wearing female clothing.  One day, Billy mentioned that he had been doing something similar and another day, he showed me some of his sketches. My reaction was to feign disinterest.

But my real reaction was fear. I was in uncharted waters; I did not know what was going on with him (or me). I had enough trouble sorting out what was going on with me without having to deal with what was going on with my best friend, so I basically ignored him and I think that was the beginning of the end of a beautiful friendship. We hung out less during our last days in grammar school and ended up going to different high schools. After a few years, we were both out of each others' lives.

I think Billy was reaching out to me. He probably was just as confused as I was and maybe he thought we would be better able to work things out as a team rather than solo. If that was the case, he was probably correct and I very much regret not reaching out to him and trying to work out together what the heck was going on. And so it goes.

Over the years, I learned through a mutual friend that Billy got married and lives two towns away, but our mutual friend said nothing about anything trans and I certainly did not ask.

But I often think about Billy and wonder if he really was trans (or was it just my 'magination) and if he ever did anything about it. I often hoped that one day he would show up at my support group and we could become best friends again except that this time we would be girlfriends.

(This post originally appeared in September 2008.) 

Wearing Joie (Source: Joie)

Movie poster for the 1967 double feature She Man and Queens At Heart.

Potential

Joann Roberts was one of the people who helped me discover my true self.

Jump on the wayback machine to the mid-1980s and you will find me religiously attending my support group meetings twice a month. Those meetings were my only opportunity to be en femme beyond my closet at home and I seldom missed a meeting.

I was still learning the art of femulation back then. My wigs looked like wigs, my makeup was all wrong, my heels were too high and my skirts were too short. (I guess some things never change.)

Besides giving me an opportunity to go out en femme, attending support group meetings helped educate me about the finer points of femulation. By chatting with the other girls in attendance and listening attentively to speakers who appeared at our meetings, I corrected the errors of my presentation.

Joann Roberts was one of our speakers. She spoke for about an hour and then hung back to chat with us as we perused the books she had for sale: her Art and Illusion: A Guide to Crossdressing and her Art & Illusion Companion, which was a supplement to the original Art and Illusion.

I bought a copy of both books. After I paid her, she thanked me for my purchase, then she added, "I could not help noticing you during my talk."

"Huh?" was my clever response.

"You are a natural and have a lot of potential."

I managed to squeak out a "Thank-you" and went on my way.

I will never forget what Joann said to me that night and thanks to her, I have been working on my "lot of potential" ever since.

Wearing Self Portrait dress and Sergio Rossi pumps (Source: Intermix)

Alan Coyne femulates on stage in Charley's Aunt '66.

Thursday Dinner

After shopping on Thursday, I met Shauna at the Westfarms Mall for dinner at 6.

We dined at BRIO Tuscan Grille, an Italian restaurant where I have dined en femme in the past, but always alone, so it was nice to have a dinner companion for a change.

Shauna and I go way back having met at a Connecticut Outreach Society (COS) meeting about 20 years ago. I was the first transwoman Shauna ever met in person and we hit it off from the start.

Shauna dropped out of sight while her children were growing up, but now she wants to get out en femme again and she reached out to me. I let her know that COS was still active, so she went to a recent meeting and then she asked me about a girls' night out and that is how our Thursday evening get together came about.

She said she was a little nervous about being out among the civilians, but she had nothing to fear but fear itself. Most of the civilians paid no attention to us and the handful who had to deal with us face-to-face (like the restaurant waitstaff) treated us like ladies.

After dinner, I remembered that I wanted to buy some makeup (Lancome mascara and eyeliner), so we went to Sephora, but they were out of stock. Then,we tried the Lancome counter in Macy's where I had better luck.

After my Macy's purchase, we decided to call it a night. We both had a great night out and plan to get together again real soon now.

Wearing Boston Proper (Source: Boston Proper)

Romain Duris femulates in the mall in the 2014 French film The New Girlfriend.